The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO) has obtained secret minutes of the International Olympic Committee's (IOC) meeting from a few years back when they decided to award the 2008 Olympic Games to China's capital city of Beijing. This august body is internationally known as the arbiters of clean gamesmanship, guardians of the Olympic spirit of fair play and an organization that awards Olympic hosting duties to the city that will best uphold these lofty ideals, at least within their own headquarters. Elsewhere, they enjoy a less than savory reputation as a politically driven propaganda machine and a money hungry organization of elites hiding behind the mantle of promoting sporting purity while pursuing their real agenda of separating nations and individuals from as much of their hard earned as they possibly can. So far, so good.
When Beijing was selected the chairman of the IOC called the meeting to order with the following words: "Esteemed colleagues: We are here to cast our final votes on the finalist cities for the 2008 Summer Olympics. We will consider all our usual criteria; accessibility to sports fans, Olympic-worthy venues and a strong dedication to the highest ideals of fair competition... Mr. Recording Secretary, fill in the rest with the usual high-minded horse shit for the record. You know the drill. Now gentlemen, let's get down to business. Any objections to Beijing?"
A delegate: "Well sir, are you aware of their government's record of human rights abuses, their heinous treatment of Tibet, their record of ignoring international copyright laws, their censorship of the the press, their unbelievably flagrant pollution of their own nation and their immediate neighbors, the political prisoners, the child labor..."
Chairman: "Who's the new guy? And is he aware of the thickness of the envelopes China handed each one of us? I don't recall anyone turning those down! And is our novice colleague aware of the billions more in store for each of our firms when it comes to constructing all the facilities they'll need? We don't want to get burned again like when we awarded the games to some cities that already had a shitload of sports complexes, hotels, mass transit, plentiful housing for Olympic villages, modern media centers and stadiums. It was all we could do to clear a couple of million apiece in kickbacks..."
The new guy: "Mr. Chairman, may I remind you of..."
Chairman: "Whatever it is, keep it to yourself, sir. Everyone here knows that China's economy is growing faster that Larry King's prostate. And we all know that nobody gets to vote on how all that dough is spent. We're talking zero accountability here, gentlemen. We're talking no criticism from the media, we're talking the score of our lifetimes!"
The new guy again: "But Mr. Chairman, it is well known how unsuited Beijing is the Olympics. I have a study before me detailing their lack of sports facilities, mass transit, hotels...."
Chairman: "Bingo! Did you think the construction company you work for got you appointed to the IOC committee to make sure the gymnasts have enough talcum powder? They ponied up some serious dough to the rest of us for the right to a piece of this humongous pie. This is the big leagues, young man! Leave the preaching and the hand wringing to the U.N. and get with the program here."
The new guy: "The program, sir? I was under the impression that our mission here was to ensure that the Olympic Games would be awarded to the most deserving candidate city, the one that will best personify the ideals of fairness, openness and international brotherhood!"
Chairman: "One of you guys want to wise up this sob sister before I puke all over the podium?"
A veteran IOC member: "Listen up, Earnest! You wok for the largest road building firm on the planet. Have you seen the pathetic roads in China lately? You guys play your cards right, you're paving China for the next decade, and your own driveway with gold! I represent a huge international mass transit corporation. What I see is beyond these games is 1.3 billion potential commuters. See that guy over there? His company builds gigantic huge swimming pools and water parks all over the world. Who the hell did you think dreamed up Synchronized Swimming, dolphins? Otters? The gentleman to his left owns a company that erects stadiums and race tracks. On his right is the CEO of Mega Hotels, and next to him is the a partner of Intertel, the premier builder of state-of-the-art media and communications facilities. You getting the polaroid here, Pollyanna?"
The new guy: "Yes, sir, yes I think that I am! The IOC is merely a sham to siphon off billions of dollars from the honest citizens of the host nations, not caring a bit about the athletes or the fans or the ideals of a level playing field and..."
The veteran member: "Your point being...?"
The new guy: "Mr. Chairman, Misssss-terrrrrr Chairman! Allow me to go on record to state my vehement objections to this sham and mockery..."
The veteran member: "Before you sprain your conscience, Gomer, there's one more colleague I'd like to point out. See the fellow over there, the one with the eye patch and the scars? That's Lance Boyle, head of Rabid Deployment, the largest private mercenary corporation on the planet. His boys have decided the outcome of half the small foreign wars you don't hear much about for the past 30 years. Guess who's company is handling security at Beijing?"
Chairman: "You were saying, sir....?
The new guy: :" Never mind, Mr. Chairman, and please excuse my outburst, sir"
Chairman: "Like it never happened, son. So, we're all agreed, then? Beijing it is for the summer of 2008! Let the record reflect a unanimous vote. The contracts are ready for signatures, men, the offshore shore accounts await the wire transfers. Let the games begin!
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