March 29, 2010
GREED'S GOT COMPANY. HATE IS BACK.
The greed epidemic has enlisted its old buddy, hatred. The Tea Party people, for a less-than-shining example, disguise themselves as patriots and preach hatred. They call President Obama a tyrant, the new code for "Nigger." Their mercenary mouthpiece, Sarah Palin, spreads lies, fear and hatred for $100,000 per speech. As a bonus, she also incites violence against our lawfully elected leaders, urging her audience to "reload." They are the reverse image of the peace and civil rights movements of the 1960s and 70s, railing against "the system." Only this time around, they advocate, rather than protest, violence and hatred. They further enlist religious faith as an instrument of evil, a ruling class trick as old as religion itself.
The simple truth is that hatred, greed and violence are evil. There is no middle ground here. Greed is wrong, hatred is wrong and violence is wrong. No religion leaves any wiggle room on that score. As flawed as they are, the 10 Commandments cover these things unequivocally, and anyone claiming to believe in them while espousing hatred, greed and violence is also a liar, another no-no according to the Commandments. None of these things are okay, not in good times, bad times or in between times.
Using evil as a means to an end is what created this mess in the first place. The orgy of greed by wealthy individuals robbed trillions of dollars from the working classes in a reverse Robin Hood scheme: robbing the poor and giving to the rich. Millions of lives were damaged for the greed of a few. When the house of cards erected by the financial manipulators collapsed, the right-wing administration that participated in this looting was voted out of office, handing the White House and both Houses of Congress to the Democrats, in the process making history by electing America's first black president.
So massive was the damage done to America by the right wing, the cleanup job they left us will take years. Greed and corruption has become endemic, and America's economy resembles the city of New Orleans, thrown an anchor when it was drowning by the Cheney Administration. For years after the 2004 hurricane that nearly destroyed it, New Orleans stood as a rebuke to the right wing by thriving among the ruins, slowly rebuilding itself while the Federal Government fiddled. From 2000 to 2008, there was no help anywhere in America for citizens who were not wealthy. For the very wealthy, the United States Treasury was open for Looting Season.
Their naked greed very nearly ruined the greatest economy the world has ever seen. The Cheney Administration oversaw the biggest peacetime transfer of wealth in human history, with less than 1% of the population now owning more wealth and assets that the bottom 95% of American citizens combined. On top of that, the corporate princes wanted the only thing that greed demands - more. Already fabulously wealthy, the greedy corporate princes resorted to fraud and larceny on a previously unimaginable scale. Now they refuse to recognize the will of the people who voted for reform of the system they corrupted.
The disgraced phonies who were voted out of office did not repent or show any shame at all, nor did they even acknowledge in any way how vast was the damage they wrought. Instead, they turned on a new President who was generously trying to work with them. So quick were they to bite the hand of friendship and bipartisan cooperation that Mr. Obama is lucky he still has 10 fingers. Now they field the Tea Party movement, founded on fear, ignorance and hatred. Talk about not getting it.
This is one of those movements guaranteed to get more press coverage than votes. Sensationalism might sell, but it has a shorter shelf life than cottage cheese. Only a small minority of Americans are stupid enough, venal enough or naive enough to support these puppet-masters of the Tea Party movement, whose only agenda is regaining power for greed's sake. If greed needs fear, hatred and violence to achieve its ends, then it will use fear, hatred and violence. If it needs to corrupt and misrepresent religious teachings, it will not hesitate to do so. If greed needs to sell out all our tomorrows for a tidy profit today, consider it done. Greed is all about now.
Let these people admit what they are doing, and openly proclaim their greed and hate and their violent intentions. That won't happen of course, since they are cowards and charlatans. Only a cowards hate, and only charlatans hide behind a God that stands for the opposite of everything they stand for. Only a fool swallows any of this, those poor souls incapable or even worse, unwilling to think this whole thing through to its logical conclusion; evil begets evil, with no exceptions.
Fortunately for the puppet masters, the Good Lord who's name they cynically invoke at every opportunity has provided them with no shortage of fools to do their bidding. No army ever marched without somebody convincing them that God is on their side. For greed to succeed, the rest of us simply have to shut up about all this. Any volunteers to hold your tongue while evil bigots attempt to capture America for their greedy overseers? Our silence will be taken as an endorsement. It's good versus evil time. Speak up while you still can.
The simple truth is that hatred, greed and violence are evil. There is no middle ground here. Greed is wrong, hatred is wrong and violence is wrong. No religion leaves any wiggle room on that score. As flawed as they are, the 10 Commandments cover these things unequivocally, and anyone claiming to believe in them while espousing hatred, greed and violence is also a liar, another no-no according to the Commandments. None of these things are okay, not in good times, bad times or in between times.
Using evil as a means to an end is what created this mess in the first place. The orgy of greed by wealthy individuals robbed trillions of dollars from the working classes in a reverse Robin Hood scheme: robbing the poor and giving to the rich. Millions of lives were damaged for the greed of a few. When the house of cards erected by the financial manipulators collapsed, the right-wing administration that participated in this looting was voted out of office, handing the White House and both Houses of Congress to the Democrats, in the process making history by electing America's first black president.
So massive was the damage done to America by the right wing, the cleanup job they left us will take years. Greed and corruption has become endemic, and America's economy resembles the city of New Orleans, thrown an anchor when it was drowning by the Cheney Administration. For years after the 2004 hurricane that nearly destroyed it, New Orleans stood as a rebuke to the right wing by thriving among the ruins, slowly rebuilding itself while the Federal Government fiddled. From 2000 to 2008, there was no help anywhere in America for citizens who were not wealthy. For the very wealthy, the United States Treasury was open for Looting Season.
Their naked greed very nearly ruined the greatest economy the world has ever seen. The Cheney Administration oversaw the biggest peacetime transfer of wealth in human history, with less than 1% of the population now owning more wealth and assets that the bottom 95% of American citizens combined. On top of that, the corporate princes wanted the only thing that greed demands - more. Already fabulously wealthy, the greedy corporate princes resorted to fraud and larceny on a previously unimaginable scale. Now they refuse to recognize the will of the people who voted for reform of the system they corrupted.
The disgraced phonies who were voted out of office did not repent or show any shame at all, nor did they even acknowledge in any way how vast was the damage they wrought. Instead, they turned on a new President who was generously trying to work with them. So quick were they to bite the hand of friendship and bipartisan cooperation that Mr. Obama is lucky he still has 10 fingers. Now they field the Tea Party movement, founded on fear, ignorance and hatred. Talk about not getting it.
This is one of those movements guaranteed to get more press coverage than votes. Sensationalism might sell, but it has a shorter shelf life than cottage cheese. Only a small minority of Americans are stupid enough, venal enough or naive enough to support these puppet-masters of the Tea Party movement, whose only agenda is regaining power for greed's sake. If greed needs fear, hatred and violence to achieve its ends, then it will use fear, hatred and violence. If it needs to corrupt and misrepresent religious teachings, it will not hesitate to do so. If greed needs to sell out all our tomorrows for a tidy profit today, consider it done. Greed is all about now.
Let these people admit what they are doing, and openly proclaim their greed and hate and their violent intentions. That won't happen of course, since they are cowards and charlatans. Only a cowards hate, and only charlatans hide behind a God that stands for the opposite of everything they stand for. Only a fool swallows any of this, those poor souls incapable or even worse, unwilling to think this whole thing through to its logical conclusion; evil begets evil, with no exceptions.
Fortunately for the puppet masters, the Good Lord who's name they cynically invoke at every opportunity has provided them with no shortage of fools to do their bidding. No army ever marched without somebody convincing them that God is on their side. For greed to succeed, the rest of us simply have to shut up about all this. Any volunteers to hold your tongue while evil bigots attempt to capture America for their greedy overseers? Our silence will be taken as an endorsement. It's good versus evil time. Speak up while you still can.
March 27, 2010
WEIRD STUFF IN THE NEWS
Check out these developments:
Is there a better name than "Bombshell McGee" in the news lately? Women's nicknames don't get much better than that. Well, this tattoo-covered siren actually has a second wild nickname, "Evil Cunt," which is sort of intriguing too. Too bad about all that Nazi stuff. That just ruins the whole deal. Call people stubborn, but the fact is that no one likes a Nazi. They just don't want to hear about the "good parts" of the Third Reich.
Speaking of Nazis, the only Pope to have ever worn their uniform, the come-hither Hitler Youth ensemble, Pope Benedict XVI seems not to have learned all that much about character judgement since those days. It turns out that a few years back when he a was only Cardinal Ratzinger, he let a pedophile priest in Milwaukee off the hook rather than risk any embarrassment for The Church. He chose not to defrock the priest who sexually molested 200 deaf boys. Nazis and Chesters? Wow. How would you like to be the priest who has to explain these things to the faithful? Don't look for this guy's name in the Pope Hall of Fame anytime soon.
The financial collapse of 2008 has claimed its first European country to go bankrupt, Greece. From the sound of things, Germany and France are negotiating a leveraged buyout of that ancient nation. Greece, the Lehman Brothers of nations.
Now that the Republicans have succeeded in inciting violence by their supporters against Democratic legislators, it's a little too late for them to act shocked and condemn all the the violence and death threats. They should have thought of that when they were egging those people on and waving their banners for the cameras from the steps of the Capitol Building during a rally earlier this week. Now these Tea Party cretins are feeling their oats so much that they're planning to march on Washington carrying guns. That ought to convince people they're just like anyone else. That is, anyone else who thinks its okay to attack Congressmen and pack heat in the supermarket.
Speaking of sour grapes, Sarah Palin has joined the Tea Party Tour as their featured speaker for $100,000 a night, just in case someone thought any of this made sense. Now there's a lady who knows how to turn a tidy profit on a resounding electoral defeat, and doesn't let her ignorance hold her back. Hell, anyone can learn stuff, but it takes a special brand of person to make idiocy a political asset! You have to hand it to all these people, they're batshit crazy and don't care who knows it.
Coming in under the news radar is the announcement that America and Russia have agreed to significantly reduce their nuclear arsenals, down from enough nukes to toast the planet 50 times over to about enough to toast the planet only 30 times. Apparently President Obama has been busy with other stuff besides Health Care and trying to convince Republicans to act like grownups. This is good news, which is probably why it was ignored by the media. No toothless goobers with Bibles and guns, no tattooed Nazi bimbos, no Tiger Woods and his baker's dozen girlfriends who look just like his wife, just guys in suits negotiating the elimination of a bunch of bombs and missiles, each one of which can destroy a major city in flash and render the surrounding area uninhabitable for millennia. Let's hope they keep this up.
Now that Google has committed to defying the Chinese government over the issue of Internet censorship, the rest of Corporate America hasn't exactly rallied to their side, not even their fellow communications companies. The silence of the corporations is pathetic. Not surprising, but pathetic just the same. This example of standing on principle (proper, ethical behavior) seems to perplex the Corporate Princes. As little as we expect of these people in the way of character and common decency, they still manage to disappoint. They had their chance to reject tyranny but put profits first instead. Sort of like the American corporations who did a brisk business with the Nazis until the day they declared war on us. Looks like Google is on their own here.
Is there a better name than "Bombshell McGee" in the news lately? Women's nicknames don't get much better than that. Well, this tattoo-covered siren actually has a second wild nickname, "Evil Cunt," which is sort of intriguing too. Too bad about all that Nazi stuff. That just ruins the whole deal. Call people stubborn, but the fact is that no one likes a Nazi. They just don't want to hear about the "good parts" of the Third Reich.
Speaking of Nazis, the only Pope to have ever worn their uniform, the come-hither Hitler Youth ensemble, Pope Benedict XVI seems not to have learned all that much about character judgement since those days. It turns out that a few years back when he a was only Cardinal Ratzinger, he let a pedophile priest in Milwaukee off the hook rather than risk any embarrassment for The Church. He chose not to defrock the priest who sexually molested 200 deaf boys. Nazis and Chesters? Wow. How would you like to be the priest who has to explain these things to the faithful? Don't look for this guy's name in the Pope Hall of Fame anytime soon.
The financial collapse of 2008 has claimed its first European country to go bankrupt, Greece. From the sound of things, Germany and France are negotiating a leveraged buyout of that ancient nation. Greece, the Lehman Brothers of nations.
Now that the Republicans have succeeded in inciting violence by their supporters against Democratic legislators, it's a little too late for them to act shocked and condemn all the the violence and death threats. They should have thought of that when they were egging those people on and waving their banners for the cameras from the steps of the Capitol Building during a rally earlier this week. Now these Tea Party cretins are feeling their oats so much that they're planning to march on Washington carrying guns. That ought to convince people they're just like anyone else. That is, anyone else who thinks its okay to attack Congressmen and pack heat in the supermarket.
Speaking of sour grapes, Sarah Palin has joined the Tea Party Tour as their featured speaker for $100,000 a night, just in case someone thought any of this made sense. Now there's a lady who knows how to turn a tidy profit on a resounding electoral defeat, and doesn't let her ignorance hold her back. Hell, anyone can learn stuff, but it takes a special brand of person to make idiocy a political asset! You have to hand it to all these people, they're batshit crazy and don't care who knows it.
Coming in under the news radar is the announcement that America and Russia have agreed to significantly reduce their nuclear arsenals, down from enough nukes to toast the planet 50 times over to about enough to toast the planet only 30 times. Apparently President Obama has been busy with other stuff besides Health Care and trying to convince Republicans to act like grownups. This is good news, which is probably why it was ignored by the media. No toothless goobers with Bibles and guns, no tattooed Nazi bimbos, no Tiger Woods and his baker's dozen girlfriends who look just like his wife, just guys in suits negotiating the elimination of a bunch of bombs and missiles, each one of which can destroy a major city in flash and render the surrounding area uninhabitable for millennia. Let's hope they keep this up.
Now that Google has committed to defying the Chinese government over the issue of Internet censorship, the rest of Corporate America hasn't exactly rallied to their side, not even their fellow communications companies. The silence of the corporations is pathetic. Not surprising, but pathetic just the same. This example of standing on principle (proper, ethical behavior) seems to perplex the Corporate Princes. As little as we expect of these people in the way of character and common decency, they still manage to disappoint. They had their chance to reject tyranny but put profits first instead. Sort of like the American corporations who did a brisk business with the Nazis until the day they declared war on us. Looks like Google is on their own here.
March 25, 2010
GOOGLE - I, CHINA - 0: THE BATTLE OVER WHO OWNS THE INTERNET
In a shocking development, a huge international corporation grew a conscience. The search engine Internet giant Google, who had earlier bowed to the Chinese government's demand that they censor their content in China, reversed themselves and refused to alter their site. They shut down their Chinese operation and directed users to their Hong Kong site, which, though still in China, is not censored. This is a huge deal and an international confrontation between a brand new Superpower feeling its oats and a communications giant that dominates the world wide web, these days the most essential and influential communication and marketing tool in the world.
The whole idea of the Internet is the free and uncensored flow of information for the benefit of all, a place where anyone can communicate and do business across the entire globe in an instant. Somehow, miracle of miracles, nobody owns the damned thing, by its nature no one can own it. Since no one owns the world wide web, no government can nationalize it. There's nothing to take possession of with armed troops. It is the most insidious of enemies; silent, invisible and completely democratic, not caring one way or another who reads or writes any of the information it contains. Anything goes on the internet, and it's just getting started.
The prospect of where it will go from here must scare the shit out of tyrants. Think of how rapidly it has changed and progressed from one year to the next, and how a typical web site of 5 years ago is antiquated and low tech by today's standards. Without realizing it, computer users all over the world have constantly learned new and better computer skills to keep up with the flood of new technology. As astounding as it has become, even more awe-inspiring is its potential.
Now there's things like Twitter, the slacker's silly pastime in America, but something that proved to be a very effective communication tool in times of global crisis. During last year's riots in Iran, for example, their government tried to black out any news broadcasts of any sort. Turns out they didn't figure on Twitter and, in 140-character bytes, the cat was out of the bag on some fairly nasty brutality by Iran's Republican Guard. The same ever-changing technology that keeps us all on our toes trumps the tin pot dictators' efforts to suppress this massive and very indifferent flow of data.
The Internet doesn't give a crap about cultural differences or the whims of leaders, it's just there, and people will find a way to access it. As lethal as armies, information and education can topple oppressors. When you're in the business of telling a country the sky is supposed to be yellow, the last thing you want is more information about the outside world handy. The tighter they control it, the quicker people upgrade their skills to beat the censors.
Granted, some totalitarian governments can and do censor the web every chance they get, mostly having to do with sex and politics, but they require the cooperation of large corporations to do that. As anyone who has even heard of a corporation knows, lots of money turns their principles into loose guidelines at best. Ironically enough, most of the world's computers are manufactured in China. In exchange for cheap labor and overhead, computer manufacturers agreed to install a censorship gizmo in computers sold to Chinese citizens so they couldn't hook up with the world they are supplying with computers.
One after the other, they caved. Last year alone, more than 40 million personal computers were sold in China. In order to gain access to 1.3 billion potential customers, corporations knowingly participated in beginning the process of bringing the Internet under control. Control means ownership. Even the dominant e-mail carrier and search engine Yahoo caved in, along with Google, betraying the wide-open medium that made them wealthy beyond their wildest dreams. They were biting the hand that fed them billions.
Then Google changed the game by growing a conscience and a pair of balls. They told the Chinese government to stick their censorship where the sun don't shine. Few governments can be as unreasonable as the Chinese government and right now they are at the height of their power, the second most influential country on Earth. Never in her 5,000 year history has China wielded even a fraction of the global power and influence she enjoys today. Modern China is a manufacturing and financial powerhouse, much like Japan of the in the later part of the 20h Century.
Lucky for the future of the Internet, the people who run Google grew up in America, the most influential nation on Earth and a place where people pick up radical notions like Liberty, Equality, Freedom of The Press, Free Speech and so forth. Although it is hard to portray a mega-rich corporate giant as some sort of David standing up to Goliath, it's at least an Us vs.Them deal. Google is doing the right thing and should be applauded and supported in this confrontation. Supported by their fellow communications giants and computer manufacturers too. They're all rich and successful with or without China, and got to be so in an atmosphere of free and open exchange of ideas.
Even if the Chinese government doesn't blink and banishes Google from their shores, Google wins. It's still Google, the preferred search engine all over the world. China is all about commerce these days, and without Google they are handicapping themselves. World opinion seldom sways the new Commu-Capitalists in China, but loss of market share gets their attention every time. World opinion will make Google even stronger in what has become an international debate over Internet censorship. The Google executives hold the high ground, the side of no private or national ownership for the web.
They have to remember that they didn't get to be Google in an environment of censorship, ownership and control. LIke brilliant innovators in every age, they came up with the right product at the right time, made a huge fortune and became a household name, synonymous with accessing accurate information. Its users trust Google to direct them anywhere on the web they choose to go and billions of people use their services many times a day, every day. The advertising revenue alone handled and distributed by Google is in the hundreds of billions a year, with their take over $10 billion, about $1.30 for every person on the planet.
These people have a huge stake in keeping the internet just as accessible and freewheeling as it has always been, the glorious make-it-up-as-you-go-along dynamo that has literally transformed human life. It is that powerful, that universal, and such major a step in history that the beginnings of the Internet will overshadow everything else that happens in this era, as dramatic as they may seem to us. The story of the Internet is bigger, more important, and permanent.
We might not recognize the internet 100 years from now, but we are living the beginnings of the next Age of Man, like the first guys with Bronze swords back in the day, or deck hands on the Santa Maria. The temptation to seize this behemoth like the Conquistadors took the New World will always be a powerful temptation for powerful men. Someone somewhere had to stand up to them and say, "no more!" To our surprise and delight, it is Google. In the battle for ownership vs. no ownership of the Internet, it's Google - 1, China - 0.
If they lose, we lose, because that will be a blow to freedom of information and the beginning of the end of this People's Forum, the Internet as we know it. The Chinese government won't be the last to try to own and control the web, and it is in everyone's interest whose life is even remotely touched by the Internet (in other words: everybody everywhere) to thank them to keep their grubby hands to themselves. It is refreshing to see a corporation take a stand on something besides their bottom line, to take the initiative in a battle over (!) ethics. Most of us thought that went out of style in corporate circles back in the '60s. Kudos.
If you want to see how all this turns out, just Google it. If you can't, we lost.
The whole idea of the Internet is the free and uncensored flow of information for the benefit of all, a place where anyone can communicate and do business across the entire globe in an instant. Somehow, miracle of miracles, nobody owns the damned thing, by its nature no one can own it. Since no one owns the world wide web, no government can nationalize it. There's nothing to take possession of with armed troops. It is the most insidious of enemies; silent, invisible and completely democratic, not caring one way or another who reads or writes any of the information it contains. Anything goes on the internet, and it's just getting started.
The prospect of where it will go from here must scare the shit out of tyrants. Think of how rapidly it has changed and progressed from one year to the next, and how a typical web site of 5 years ago is antiquated and low tech by today's standards. Without realizing it, computer users all over the world have constantly learned new and better computer skills to keep up with the flood of new technology. As astounding as it has become, even more awe-inspiring is its potential.
Now there's things like Twitter, the slacker's silly pastime in America, but something that proved to be a very effective communication tool in times of global crisis. During last year's riots in Iran, for example, their government tried to black out any news broadcasts of any sort. Turns out they didn't figure on Twitter and, in 140-character bytes, the cat was out of the bag on some fairly nasty brutality by Iran's Republican Guard. The same ever-changing technology that keeps us all on our toes trumps the tin pot dictators' efforts to suppress this massive and very indifferent flow of data.
The Internet doesn't give a crap about cultural differences or the whims of leaders, it's just there, and people will find a way to access it. As lethal as armies, information and education can topple oppressors. When you're in the business of telling a country the sky is supposed to be yellow, the last thing you want is more information about the outside world handy. The tighter they control it, the quicker people upgrade their skills to beat the censors.
Granted, some totalitarian governments can and do censor the web every chance they get, mostly having to do with sex and politics, but they require the cooperation of large corporations to do that. As anyone who has even heard of a corporation knows, lots of money turns their principles into loose guidelines at best. Ironically enough, most of the world's computers are manufactured in China. In exchange for cheap labor and overhead, computer manufacturers agreed to install a censorship gizmo in computers sold to Chinese citizens so they couldn't hook up with the world they are supplying with computers.
One after the other, they caved. Last year alone, more than 40 million personal computers were sold in China. In order to gain access to 1.3 billion potential customers, corporations knowingly participated in beginning the process of bringing the Internet under control. Control means ownership. Even the dominant e-mail carrier and search engine Yahoo caved in, along with Google, betraying the wide-open medium that made them wealthy beyond their wildest dreams. They were biting the hand that fed them billions.
Then Google changed the game by growing a conscience and a pair of balls. They told the Chinese government to stick their censorship where the sun don't shine. Few governments can be as unreasonable as the Chinese government and right now they are at the height of their power, the second most influential country on Earth. Never in her 5,000 year history has China wielded even a fraction of the global power and influence she enjoys today. Modern China is a manufacturing and financial powerhouse, much like Japan of the in the later part of the 20h Century.
Lucky for the future of the Internet, the people who run Google grew up in America, the most influential nation on Earth and a place where people pick up radical notions like Liberty, Equality, Freedom of The Press, Free Speech and so forth. Although it is hard to portray a mega-rich corporate giant as some sort of David standing up to Goliath, it's at least an Us vs.Them deal. Google is doing the right thing and should be applauded and supported in this confrontation. Supported by their fellow communications giants and computer manufacturers too. They're all rich and successful with or without China, and got to be so in an atmosphere of free and open exchange of ideas.
Even if the Chinese government doesn't blink and banishes Google from their shores, Google wins. It's still Google, the preferred search engine all over the world. China is all about commerce these days, and without Google they are handicapping themselves. World opinion seldom sways the new Commu-Capitalists in China, but loss of market share gets their attention every time. World opinion will make Google even stronger in what has become an international debate over Internet censorship. The Google executives hold the high ground, the side of no private or national ownership for the web.
They have to remember that they didn't get to be Google in an environment of censorship, ownership and control. LIke brilliant innovators in every age, they came up with the right product at the right time, made a huge fortune and became a household name, synonymous with accessing accurate information. Its users trust Google to direct them anywhere on the web they choose to go and billions of people use their services many times a day, every day. The advertising revenue alone handled and distributed by Google is in the hundreds of billions a year, with their take over $10 billion, about $1.30 for every person on the planet.
These people have a huge stake in keeping the internet just as accessible and freewheeling as it has always been, the glorious make-it-up-as-you-go-along dynamo that has literally transformed human life. It is that powerful, that universal, and such major a step in history that the beginnings of the Internet will overshadow everything else that happens in this era, as dramatic as they may seem to us. The story of the Internet is bigger, more important, and permanent.
We might not recognize the internet 100 years from now, but we are living the beginnings of the next Age of Man, like the first guys with Bronze swords back in the day, or deck hands on the Santa Maria. The temptation to seize this behemoth like the Conquistadors took the New World will always be a powerful temptation for powerful men. Someone somewhere had to stand up to them and say, "no more!" To our surprise and delight, it is Google. In the battle for ownership vs. no ownership of the Internet, it's Google - 1, China - 0.
If they lose, we lose, because that will be a blow to freedom of information and the beginning of the end of this People's Forum, the Internet as we know it. The Chinese government won't be the last to try to own and control the web, and it is in everyone's interest whose life is even remotely touched by the Internet (in other words: everybody everywhere) to thank them to keep their grubby hands to themselves. It is refreshing to see a corporation take a stand on something besides their bottom line, to take the initiative in a battle over (!) ethics. Most of us thought that went out of style in corporate circles back in the '60s. Kudos.
If you want to see how all this turns out, just Google it. If you can't, we lost.
March 24, 2010
BOBCRESPO.COM REVISITS THINGS THAT ARE SOCIALIZED IN AMERICA
Editor's note: While we still don't have comprehensive socialized medicine in America despite the new Health Care Reform Bill, it's at least a step in the right direction. For 40 years the most successful and cost-effective health insurance has been the governement-run Medicare and Medicaid programs. This is socialized medicine for, respectively, senior citizens and poor people. Unlike every other industrialized wealthy democracy, America does not provide national health care for every citizen and this law won't change that sad state of affairs. It does force private insurers to shut down their death panels by making it illegal to deny coverage for preexisting conditions for the applicant or their dependents, so that's something. Long used as a curse word by conservatives, socialism is part of the fabric of American life and always has been to one degree or another. Ask the Chinese Capitalists, who in a startling role reversal, now call us "Running Dogs of Socialism." Bobcrespo.com ran the following piece on September 4th of 2009 in anticipation of our Congress growing a spine and implementing socialized medicine to accompany the following social programs. That didn't happen, but it will in the near future.
Here's a partial list of Federal socialized programs in America.
THE ARMED FORCES: The United States Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard are sworn to defend their nation and protect every citizen without sending an itemized bill to anybody.
THE INTERSTATE HIGHWAY SYSTEM: Our extensive system of interstate highways are free for anyone to drive anywhere they like, even New Jersey.
FEDERAL WATERWAYS: Any craft from a canoe to an ocean liner can sail to their hearts' content on the rivers, streams and lakes of America for no charge.
THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION: If somebody kidnaps you or commits some other federal crime against you, The F.B.I. will spare no expense to hunt down the perpetrators, for years if they have to, at no charge to you.
BUREAU OF PRISONS: Once the F.B.I. locks up the bad guys they get to stay in Federal prison for the duration of their sentences on the government's dime. The Feds also feed and clothe the criminals and provide them with health care, education, libraries, religious services, recreation, visitors' facilities and legal counseling. For free.
CENSUS BUREAU: They count our heinies every 10 years for free.
CONGRESS: Our elected officials in the House of Representatives and the Senate charge us nothing for looking after our interests (and their own).
THE PRESIDENCY: Again, no matter how good or how lousy are our presidents, they have to make do with their salary, the While House and Air Force One and can't send us a monthly bill for their services.
UNITED STATES DEPARTMENTS OF LABOR, AGRICULTURE, STATE, NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE, EDUCATION, INTERIOR,COMMERCE, ENERGY, TREASURY, TRANSPORTATION, HOMELAND SECURITY, JUSTICE, ENERGY, HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT, HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES: All of these federal departments provide their services to American citizens for free, whether or not we know what the hell they all do.
BUREAU OF ENGRAVING: They run the U.S. Mint, printing our paper money and minting our coins. There is no surcharge. A $5 bill costs $5 and they don't get to charge 26¢ for those fancy new State Quarters.
GENERAL SERVICES ADMINISTRATION: This agency does everything all the other ones don't, just in case the government missed anything. Anybody recall ever getting an invoice for services rendered from these people?
THE SURGEON GENERAL: Neither a surgeon nor a general, The Surgeon General of The United States harangues us about our nasty habits just for the fun of it, sort of a Civic Inquisitor with no power. Good thing, too, they've got some pretty peculiar ideas. Truth be told, however, the government usually picks someone who's very amusing, so it's all in good fun. No harm done, really.
NATIONAL PARK SERVICE: Next time you swim in the ocean or wander around some forest, don't look for turnstiles to charge you on the way in.
THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS: The world's largest library, it is open to anyone wishing to do research or just read rare books and manuscripts. The price? Nothing twice!
SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION: Of course we pay into it though payroll deduction contributions, but unlike private investment firms, there is no charge for managing the largest and most successful social insurance investment in history and there is a guaranteed return for contributors and cost-of-living adjustments. The second largest and equally successful social program? Medicare. Our retirees are very well looked after.
That's quite a list of social benefits available to Americans, and by no means anywhere near a complete one. Wouldn't it be great if we had free medical care so we could all live long and healthy lives in order to better enjoy these things? The taxes we pay have created all these wonderful departments and agencies. If we spend 10% less on just one of them, The Department of Defense, we could all have comprehensive health care. There is no reason why our tax dollars need to continue spending more on weapons that the rest of the world combined (you could look it up at the Library of Congress) while 50 million Americans have no medical coverage at all. Either that, or eliminate the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and farm out their functions to other agencies. Whether or not they charge for doing whatever it is they do, that combination just seems like an ugly incident waiting to happen. Hardly seems worth it, even for free. Better we should look after our nation's health.
Here's a partial list of Federal socialized programs in America.
THE ARMED FORCES: The United States Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard are sworn to defend their nation and protect every citizen without sending an itemized bill to anybody.
THE INTERSTATE HIGHWAY SYSTEM: Our extensive system of interstate highways are free for anyone to drive anywhere they like, even New Jersey.
FEDERAL WATERWAYS: Any craft from a canoe to an ocean liner can sail to their hearts' content on the rivers, streams and lakes of America for no charge.
THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION: If somebody kidnaps you or commits some other federal crime against you, The F.B.I. will spare no expense to hunt down the perpetrators, for years if they have to, at no charge to you.
BUREAU OF PRISONS: Once the F.B.I. locks up the bad guys they get to stay in Federal prison for the duration of their sentences on the government's dime. The Feds also feed and clothe the criminals and provide them with health care, education, libraries, religious services, recreation, visitors' facilities and legal counseling. For free.
CENSUS BUREAU: They count our heinies every 10 years for free.
CONGRESS: Our elected officials in the House of Representatives and the Senate charge us nothing for looking after our interests (and their own).
THE PRESIDENCY: Again, no matter how good or how lousy are our presidents, they have to make do with their salary, the While House and Air Force One and can't send us a monthly bill for their services.
UNITED STATES DEPARTMENTS OF LABOR, AGRICULTURE, STATE, NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE, EDUCATION, INTERIOR,COMMERCE, ENERGY, TREASURY, TRANSPORTATION, HOMELAND SECURITY, JUSTICE, ENERGY, HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT, HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES: All of these federal departments provide their services to American citizens for free, whether or not we know what the hell they all do.
BUREAU OF ENGRAVING: They run the U.S. Mint, printing our paper money and minting our coins. There is no surcharge. A $5 bill costs $5 and they don't get to charge 26¢ for those fancy new State Quarters.
GENERAL SERVICES ADMINISTRATION: This agency does everything all the other ones don't, just in case the government missed anything. Anybody recall ever getting an invoice for services rendered from these people?
THE SURGEON GENERAL: Neither a surgeon nor a general, The Surgeon General of The United States harangues us about our nasty habits just for the fun of it, sort of a Civic Inquisitor with no power. Good thing, too, they've got some pretty peculiar ideas. Truth be told, however, the government usually picks someone who's very amusing, so it's all in good fun. No harm done, really.
NATIONAL PARK SERVICE: Next time you swim in the ocean or wander around some forest, don't look for turnstiles to charge you on the way in.
THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS: The world's largest library, it is open to anyone wishing to do research or just read rare books and manuscripts. The price? Nothing twice!
SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION: Of course we pay into it though payroll deduction contributions, but unlike private investment firms, there is no charge for managing the largest and most successful social insurance investment in history and there is a guaranteed return for contributors and cost-of-living adjustments. The second largest and equally successful social program? Medicare. Our retirees are very well looked after.
That's quite a list of social benefits available to Americans, and by no means anywhere near a complete one. Wouldn't it be great if we had free medical care so we could all live long and healthy lives in order to better enjoy these things? The taxes we pay have created all these wonderful departments and agencies. If we spend 10% less on just one of them, The Department of Defense, we could all have comprehensive health care. There is no reason why our tax dollars need to continue spending more on weapons that the rest of the world combined (you could look it up at the Library of Congress) while 50 million Americans have no medical coverage at all. Either that, or eliminate the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and farm out their functions to other agencies. Whether or not they charge for doing whatever it is they do, that combination just seems like an ugly incident waiting to happen. Hardly seems worth it, even for free. Better we should look after our nation's health.
March 23, 2010
SAMMY SCIENCE EXPLAINS A FLOWER'S WORTH
Sammy Science back in the house. I've decided to avoid engaging in debates with fools who dispute proven scientific facts. Once something is proven beyond doubt, what else I can say? If people don't want to believe in proven facts there's not much to be done. Insisting you are right won't help with people uncomfortable with truth. Ask Galileo how beating his head against that wall worked out for him. Almost cost him his life and the rest of us his crucial life's work. As just one scientist among millions all over the world, let me just say to some of my religious antagonists that my team has proven a whole lot more of our claims that their team has. If these debates were a basketball game, the score would be more one-sided than a Harlem Globetrotters rout of the Washington Generals, something like a 5,000 - 0 shutout. Let's see what's in the inbox:
Dear Sammy Science: It gets me steamed when a construction project is held up because it "might" be hazardous to some endangered species. This time around it's a wildflower that's holding up an important development that will provide vital jobs and services. Don't we have enough damned flowers? - Rocky Mountain Joe
Dear Rocky Mountain Joe: With a name like that you ought to be more aware of the interdependence of flora and fauna. Who knows what this flower provides the ecosystem? What if it is the plant where Fig Wasps nest and lay their eggs? No big deal, you're thinking, there's plenty of other wasps around, and you would be right. But if you like figs that might be a problem, since the Fig Wasp is the only pollinator of fig trees. No flowers for Fig Wasp larvae, no more Fig Wasps, no more Fig Wasps, no more figs. Ever. Who's going to pollinate the millions of fig trees, you? There are other wildflowers that have provided us lifesaving medicines. I'm not saying that the particular flower you refer to is that important. Perhaps it is only beautiful. Isn't that quite enough in itself? We already have plenty of box stores and luxury condos, not one of them as beautiful as a flower.
Dear Sammy Science: What's up with this whole Green Movement thing? Aren't these people politically motivated? I think they are for the most part crazy liberals who go too far. - Boris DeSpida
Dear Boris DeSpida: Perhaps some of the more extreme Green Movement people are politically motivated demagogues, but that's what you get when for the whole of the Industrial Revolution we have been shitting where we eat. Had we followed from the beginning the simple laws laid down by our mothers about cleaning up after ourselves, we wouldn't have to put up with a lot of the fools who advocate that mankind revert to living as we did before we invented electricity, internal combustion and little amenities like modern medicine. That's not going to happen nor should it. Life spans back in those days were roughly half of ours. The idea of progress is to progress, not go backwards. Being clean is merely common sense. How many ruined pastures and waterways and deaths from pollution do we need before that sinks in? Mankind is a long way from inhabiting another planet so it's a good idea to make sure that living on this one isn't like living in a subway men's room. To my mind, being Green is being clean, and both liberals and conservatives should be able to agree on that. Who wants to be identified with filth and poison?
Dear Sammy Science: I say there is no such thing as ESP. What do you think? - Doubting Thomas
Dear Doubting Thomas: I knew you were going to ask that! Just kidding. The truth is that ESP, or extra-sensory perception, is a real form of communication. Ants, for example, have no vocal cords or ears, yet they communicate quite effectively over some distance. While some humans have been proven to have an ability to sense things or to communicate in non-traditional ways, there is of yet no solid method of measuring or even identifying the source of these extrasensory receptors and transmitters. To deny something exists because you yourself do not experience it is ridiculous. As a male, you cannot menstruate or give birth. Do you deny that these physiological functions are part of the human experience? The Flat Earth Society went out of business a long time ago, Thomas. Keep your eyes and your mind wide open.
Dear Sammy Science: Does science recognize that man has a soul? This is not a religious question, and you can call our souls whatever you like; spirits, life essence, whatever. It just seems to me that the life force that distinguishes a living creature from a dead one is quite palpable and of interest to a scientist. - Lance Boyle
Dear Lance Boyle: Man's soul, or spirit, or life essence, seems to at least this scientist to be a separate and identifiable part of a human being, as much as toes, fingers, eyes or kidneys. Unfortunately, just as with ESP, there is currently no sure scientific method of identifying our souls. Barring a clear and concise way of identifying its components, some scientists deny the existence of the human soul. Others study what we came to call our souls, and I for one welcome their efforts since it seems obvious that people do have an element within us that makes us human, and often more than human. No other species practices kindness towards others, or cruelty either for that matter. No other creature writes poetry. No other creature seems capable of the intuitive leaps of intellect that have provided mankind with technology far beyond beaver dams, gopher holes, ant hills and birds' nests.
Human beings are creatures with a wider range of personalities within a species that any other life form we have studied. Frogs, for example, never exhibit any behavior that is un-froglike, and there are no frog priests, frog scientists or frog entertainers. Other creatures do, however, possess what we can call a life essence, a soul if you will, since we can tell a dead one from a living one. Whether or not our souls rot along with our bodies when we die is a powerful question, and I think one worthy of scientific research. Every new generation of scientists proves somebody wrong and confirms others' suspicions, and perhaps someday science will discover and map the soul like we have our organs and our DNA. Good question, Lance, and good questions are the basis of all science. We wonder, and so we investigate.
Dear Sammy Science: It gets me steamed when a construction project is held up because it "might" be hazardous to some endangered species. This time around it's a wildflower that's holding up an important development that will provide vital jobs and services. Don't we have enough damned flowers? - Rocky Mountain Joe
Dear Rocky Mountain Joe: With a name like that you ought to be more aware of the interdependence of flora and fauna. Who knows what this flower provides the ecosystem? What if it is the plant where Fig Wasps nest and lay their eggs? No big deal, you're thinking, there's plenty of other wasps around, and you would be right. But if you like figs that might be a problem, since the Fig Wasp is the only pollinator of fig trees. No flowers for Fig Wasp larvae, no more Fig Wasps, no more Fig Wasps, no more figs. Ever. Who's going to pollinate the millions of fig trees, you? There are other wildflowers that have provided us lifesaving medicines. I'm not saying that the particular flower you refer to is that important. Perhaps it is only beautiful. Isn't that quite enough in itself? We already have plenty of box stores and luxury condos, not one of them as beautiful as a flower.
Dear Sammy Science: What's up with this whole Green Movement thing? Aren't these people politically motivated? I think they are for the most part crazy liberals who go too far. - Boris DeSpida
Dear Boris DeSpida: Perhaps some of the more extreme Green Movement people are politically motivated demagogues, but that's what you get when for the whole of the Industrial Revolution we have been shitting where we eat. Had we followed from the beginning the simple laws laid down by our mothers about cleaning up after ourselves, we wouldn't have to put up with a lot of the fools who advocate that mankind revert to living as we did before we invented electricity, internal combustion and little amenities like modern medicine. That's not going to happen nor should it. Life spans back in those days were roughly half of ours. The idea of progress is to progress, not go backwards. Being clean is merely common sense. How many ruined pastures and waterways and deaths from pollution do we need before that sinks in? Mankind is a long way from inhabiting another planet so it's a good idea to make sure that living on this one isn't like living in a subway men's room. To my mind, being Green is being clean, and both liberals and conservatives should be able to agree on that. Who wants to be identified with filth and poison?
Dear Sammy Science: I say there is no such thing as ESP. What do you think? - Doubting Thomas
Dear Doubting Thomas: I knew you were going to ask that! Just kidding. The truth is that ESP, or extra-sensory perception, is a real form of communication. Ants, for example, have no vocal cords or ears, yet they communicate quite effectively over some distance. While some humans have been proven to have an ability to sense things or to communicate in non-traditional ways, there is of yet no solid method of measuring or even identifying the source of these extrasensory receptors and transmitters. To deny something exists because you yourself do not experience it is ridiculous. As a male, you cannot menstruate or give birth. Do you deny that these physiological functions are part of the human experience? The Flat Earth Society went out of business a long time ago, Thomas. Keep your eyes and your mind wide open.
Dear Sammy Science: Does science recognize that man has a soul? This is not a religious question, and you can call our souls whatever you like; spirits, life essence, whatever. It just seems to me that the life force that distinguishes a living creature from a dead one is quite palpable and of interest to a scientist. - Lance Boyle
Dear Lance Boyle: Man's soul, or spirit, or life essence, seems to at least this scientist to be a separate and identifiable part of a human being, as much as toes, fingers, eyes or kidneys. Unfortunately, just as with ESP, there is currently no sure scientific method of identifying our souls. Barring a clear and concise way of identifying its components, some scientists deny the existence of the human soul. Others study what we came to call our souls, and I for one welcome their efforts since it seems obvious that people do have an element within us that makes us human, and often more than human. No other species practices kindness towards others, or cruelty either for that matter. No other creature writes poetry. No other creature seems capable of the intuitive leaps of intellect that have provided mankind with technology far beyond beaver dams, gopher holes, ant hills and birds' nests.
Human beings are creatures with a wider range of personalities within a species that any other life form we have studied. Frogs, for example, never exhibit any behavior that is un-froglike, and there are no frog priests, frog scientists or frog entertainers. Other creatures do, however, possess what we can call a life essence, a soul if you will, since we can tell a dead one from a living one. Whether or not our souls rot along with our bodies when we die is a powerful question, and I think one worthy of scientific research. Every new generation of scientists proves somebody wrong and confirms others' suspicions, and perhaps someday science will discover and map the soul like we have our organs and our DNA. Good question, Lance, and good questions are the basis of all science. We wonder, and so we investigate.
March 21, 2010
WAS IT REALLY THAT COLD?
Was it really that cold? How much snow did we shovel? This winter ended less than a week ago, as hard and grueling a winter as many of us have seen in ages. And yet, after only a couple of days of outstanding Spring weather, it doesn't seem all that bad now. Springtime has a way of doing that. It soothes all ills and smoothes the hard edges of memory. It's Spring, and all is forgiven.
And so we think back on the winter of 2009-10 and remember the terrible beauty and exhilaration of a blizzard, the ethereal silence of a great city buried in deep snow. The wonder and joy of a great snowfall always brings out the child within each of us, no matter how old the child grows. The pain-in-the-butt part of heavy snows in big cities is forgotten on the first magnificent Spring day. The shoveling, the scary driving conditions, the competition for parking spots, the black slush, the piles and piles of snow making a trip the corner store an ordeal, all that seems okay now, like the whole thing was just a lot of good clean fun. Almost like it never happened.
As much as rebirth, Spring is about survival, as in "Yeah, Winter, you did your worst, we're still standing!" Spring is about celebrating your vitality and stamina, to make it through another year to witness another Sweet Spring. It really is a mystery why we don't measure our years beginning in Spring, say with March 20th or April 1st as New Year's Day. How did we miss that one?
We begin again in Spring. We plant, we clean, we paint and build, we make our plans. We reclaim the land from the ice and snow and venture out to places we haven't been for a whole season. Everything is as it was, as we knew it would be, but just had to see for ourselves. The familiar sights, sounds and smells return, and the flavor of the air itself is different. It's Spring and you're full of an almost manic energy to feel and touch and taste and do!
There's so much to do in Spring, and the possibilities are endless. It is the most optimistic of seasons, a true beginning. Spring is not cynical, or disappointed or bitter or weary. Spring is innocent, trusting, hopeful and pure. Where Winter challenges, Summer hypnotizes and the Autumn braces us, Spring wraps itself around us unasked, like a small child demanding affection. No one can refuse.
Our parkas, scarves and heavy boots are still in the hallway, and we absently wonder why we ever needed them. How silly, how strange they look now. Only last week we were tramping around like anonymous, misshapen bundles of humanity scurrying from one warm place to the next, looking neither left nor right. Seems a lifetime ago on a luscious Spring Day. Now we stroll, chatting with neighbors, seeing how big the babies on the block grew over the winter, finding out who's planting tomatoes already, taking a mental inventory of the local surroundings and absorbing the strength of the sun. Very reassuring.
The ice cream trucks ring in the season, and the musical laughter of children answers their bells. The ice cream trucks are always first, before a green blade or leaf or even the first robin appears, just as it should be. Ice cream is as important a part of creation as there is, there's simply no denying that fact of life. In this brand new world of Springtime and ice cream and green meadows, the laughing children pronounce the world to be absolutely perfect and this sweet gift of life is renewed yet again. It's Springtime. Happy New Year.
And so we think back on the winter of 2009-10 and remember the terrible beauty and exhilaration of a blizzard, the ethereal silence of a great city buried in deep snow. The wonder and joy of a great snowfall always brings out the child within each of us, no matter how old the child grows. The pain-in-the-butt part of heavy snows in big cities is forgotten on the first magnificent Spring day. The shoveling, the scary driving conditions, the competition for parking spots, the black slush, the piles and piles of snow making a trip the corner store an ordeal, all that seems okay now, like the whole thing was just a lot of good clean fun. Almost like it never happened.
As much as rebirth, Spring is about survival, as in "Yeah, Winter, you did your worst, we're still standing!" Spring is about celebrating your vitality and stamina, to make it through another year to witness another Sweet Spring. It really is a mystery why we don't measure our years beginning in Spring, say with March 20th or April 1st as New Year's Day. How did we miss that one?
We begin again in Spring. We plant, we clean, we paint and build, we make our plans. We reclaim the land from the ice and snow and venture out to places we haven't been for a whole season. Everything is as it was, as we knew it would be, but just had to see for ourselves. The familiar sights, sounds and smells return, and the flavor of the air itself is different. It's Spring and you're full of an almost manic energy to feel and touch and taste and do!
There's so much to do in Spring, and the possibilities are endless. It is the most optimistic of seasons, a true beginning. Spring is not cynical, or disappointed or bitter or weary. Spring is innocent, trusting, hopeful and pure. Where Winter challenges, Summer hypnotizes and the Autumn braces us, Spring wraps itself around us unasked, like a small child demanding affection. No one can refuse.
Our parkas, scarves and heavy boots are still in the hallway, and we absently wonder why we ever needed them. How silly, how strange they look now. Only last week we were tramping around like anonymous, misshapen bundles of humanity scurrying from one warm place to the next, looking neither left nor right. Seems a lifetime ago on a luscious Spring Day. Now we stroll, chatting with neighbors, seeing how big the babies on the block grew over the winter, finding out who's planting tomatoes already, taking a mental inventory of the local surroundings and absorbing the strength of the sun. Very reassuring.
The ice cream trucks ring in the season, and the musical laughter of children answers their bells. The ice cream trucks are always first, before a green blade or leaf or even the first robin appears, just as it should be. Ice cream is as important a part of creation as there is, there's simply no denying that fact of life. In this brand new world of Springtime and ice cream and green meadows, the laughing children pronounce the world to be absolutely perfect and this sweet gift of life is renewed yet again. It's Springtime. Happy New Year.
March 20, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 652
Science would have you believe that life's greatest priorities are, in this order, oxygen, water, food, sleep and shelter. They forgot to mention the biggest essential, fun. Without fun, your life is no life at all, but mere existence, and even weeds can have that. You're a person, live it up.
JIMMY, THE BLOGGING DOG, WONDERS ABOUT HISTORY
It's me, Jimmy, the Blogging Dog, also known as The Canine Einstein for my ability to communicate in English by using a computer. If you happen to run into me, don't expect me to speak to you. Oh, I'll understand you all right, but won't be able to hold up my end of the conversation since dog mouths, throats and vocal cords can't do human languages. I'm getting a little tired of people being disappointed that I don't actually talk to them like some cartoon or movie dog.
Only on my special paw-friendly keyboard can I write down my thoughts, and I don't always have a computer handy when I go about my dog business. That would be pretty cumbersome, what with me walking on all fours and not having shoulders to hang the strap of my laptop holder. I don't even have a lap for that matter, so I stick to my iMAc with the special keyboard designed for my rather large paws. So if you see me out and about, expect pretty much the same greeting any other dog would give you; the requisite butt sniffing, tail wagging and licking, with maybe a bark or two thrown in.
I promise not to hump your leg either, since I am not one of those dogs who has had their nuts removed and have only a vague idea of what their dicks are for other than pissing. It's not their fault, it is yours for neutering them. You see, we dogs are a compulsive lot, with a very long history of instinctive behavior to which we must adhere, even though for these past 10,000 years we have been a captive race of beings in service to humans. Slaves, if you will, even though you call us "pets." We remain in our essential nature pack predators; loyal, territorial and quick to defend our turf and our pack.
Scientists have recently pinpointed the time and place dogs got involved with humanity at 10,000 years ago in the Middle East, that section of the planet where so much of human history originates. I could have told them that had they bothered to ask, as could almost any dog. You don't have to be a Canine Einstein to know these things. You see, dogs have an inborn species memory to go along with our instincts, a characteristic that enables us to "remember," for lack of a better word, what went on in the lives of every ancestor before us.
Their accumulated life experiences are passed down through their generations, as will my own to the many offspring I have been privileged to sire. Not that they will share my advanced intellect, since that seems to be an incredibly rare freak of nature, but they will know what my my life was like and also what went on in the world around me.
Don't ask me to explain it, since a "dog genius" is only about as smart as a moderately stupid human being. I'm an Einstein by dog reckoning, but only a Glen Beck by human standards. So take my gift for what it is and expect no more of me. Isn't it enough that I can do what no other dog has ever done? Please don't ask me to cure cancer or explain how species memory works like Scooby Doo with a lab coat. Not gonna happen. Would you ask that of Jim Carey, who's almost as smart as I am? No, no you would not.
Species memory is real, even if my own contains only vague memories of the Middle East. Most of my earliest ancestors roamed the Ice Age valleys of Europe as pack hunters for eons before humans made their presence felt in any meaningful way. This past winter, with its many blizzards and deep snow drifts, triggered powerful subliminal memories within me, vivid mental images of a time when dogs were independent rivals of Dire Wolves, gigantic saber-toothed cats, bears the size of pickup trucks, and yes, humans.
There were actually two kinds of humans back then, regular ones like yourselves, and then there were the Neanderthal people, a fun loving bunch of brutes with the strength of lowland gorillas and the stamina of camels. They were around for as long as dog memory carries, and other than being rival carnivores, weren't too bad as neighbors. They killed only what they needed, didn't carve up the earth with roads, fences and strip malls, and pretty much kept to themselves. Then you people came along and it was all downhill for rival predators after that.
Compared to the Neanderthals, you regular humans were pretty puny specimens, but had one advantage; you were a lot smarter. You guys invented all sorts of wicked weapons (and still do to this day, even with no significant numbers of rival predators left standing, but that's a whole other puzzling story). If there's one thing a predator won't abide, it is competing carnivores in their territory, so on top of the pressure to constantly hunt and eat, inter-species warfare is never-ending.
Think of how lions treat cheetahs, leopards and hyenas. They kill them on sight if they can catch them. You regular humans did the same to the Neanderthal humans, then to the saber toothed cats, the big bears, the mammoths, the giant elk and caribou and just about any other creature who got in your way. What had been an uneasy but efficient standoff among Nature's predators became complete rout once humans decided they wanted everything everywhere, even the swamps and deserts. It was no wonder that dogs saw the handwriting on the wall and allied themselves with humans.
We may be slaves, but at least we're still here. Can't say the same for the Neanderthals, who are all gone, or even wolves, who were once very numerous but not so much anymore. They're one of the "endangered species" that some humans wring their hands about, conveniently forgetting that it was humans who pushed all these species to the brink of extinction. From what I read, tigers may be next. Too bad, too. Magnificent beasts, tigers.
I do a lot of reading on the internet, which I figure to be the closest thing you humans have to species memory. There's a whole lot of information to be learned there, and pretty easy to access if you have patience and the ability to ignore the frivolous and untrue. Which is sort of true with species memories too, since you have to take into account some of your ancestors who happened to be complete fools. Hey, it happens, even in the best of families, and the fools get to put in their 2¢ worth too, just like on the internet. It's up to the individual to tell the difference between nonsense and valuable information. It's not all that hard if you're sharp.
The problem with humans, however, is that anybody and everybody gets to breed. Not so in the animal world, where only the worthiest specimens get to pass on their seed. In general, the weak and mentally handicapped don't get to breed. The fools in my own family tree are few and far between, sneaky petes who coupled with a bitch while the pack leader wasn't looking. Like I said, these things happen. In human family trees, however, there's no Alpha Male around preventing feeble fools from banging out bunches and bunches of babies.
Heck, there was just a famous dopey human woman all over the news called the Octomom who had herself a whole litter! Odds are the father of those babies wasn't a rocket scientist. And every one of them will have equal access to the internet sooner or later. Hopefully they will have more on the ball than their Octomom and their anonymous father. Sometimes I wonder how it is that humans came out on top in the predator wars. But there's no denying that humanity did come out on top, and the proof is in the dog license hanging around my neck. Until next time, this is Jimmy, The Blogging Dog .
Only on my special paw-friendly keyboard can I write down my thoughts, and I don't always have a computer handy when I go about my dog business. That would be pretty cumbersome, what with me walking on all fours and not having shoulders to hang the strap of my laptop holder. I don't even have a lap for that matter, so I stick to my iMAc with the special keyboard designed for my rather large paws. So if you see me out and about, expect pretty much the same greeting any other dog would give you; the requisite butt sniffing, tail wagging and licking, with maybe a bark or two thrown in.
I promise not to hump your leg either, since I am not one of those dogs who has had their nuts removed and have only a vague idea of what their dicks are for other than pissing. It's not their fault, it is yours for neutering them. You see, we dogs are a compulsive lot, with a very long history of instinctive behavior to which we must adhere, even though for these past 10,000 years we have been a captive race of beings in service to humans. Slaves, if you will, even though you call us "pets." We remain in our essential nature pack predators; loyal, territorial and quick to defend our turf and our pack.
Scientists have recently pinpointed the time and place dogs got involved with humanity at 10,000 years ago in the Middle East, that section of the planet where so much of human history originates. I could have told them that had they bothered to ask, as could almost any dog. You don't have to be a Canine Einstein to know these things. You see, dogs have an inborn species memory to go along with our instincts, a characteristic that enables us to "remember," for lack of a better word, what went on in the lives of every ancestor before us.
Their accumulated life experiences are passed down through their generations, as will my own to the many offspring I have been privileged to sire. Not that they will share my advanced intellect, since that seems to be an incredibly rare freak of nature, but they will know what my my life was like and also what went on in the world around me.
Don't ask me to explain it, since a "dog genius" is only about as smart as a moderately stupid human being. I'm an Einstein by dog reckoning, but only a Glen Beck by human standards. So take my gift for what it is and expect no more of me. Isn't it enough that I can do what no other dog has ever done? Please don't ask me to cure cancer or explain how species memory works like Scooby Doo with a lab coat. Not gonna happen. Would you ask that of Jim Carey, who's almost as smart as I am? No, no you would not.
Species memory is real, even if my own contains only vague memories of the Middle East. Most of my earliest ancestors roamed the Ice Age valleys of Europe as pack hunters for eons before humans made their presence felt in any meaningful way. This past winter, with its many blizzards and deep snow drifts, triggered powerful subliminal memories within me, vivid mental images of a time when dogs were independent rivals of Dire Wolves, gigantic saber-toothed cats, bears the size of pickup trucks, and yes, humans.
There were actually two kinds of humans back then, regular ones like yourselves, and then there were the Neanderthal people, a fun loving bunch of brutes with the strength of lowland gorillas and the stamina of camels. They were around for as long as dog memory carries, and other than being rival carnivores, weren't too bad as neighbors. They killed only what they needed, didn't carve up the earth with roads, fences and strip malls, and pretty much kept to themselves. Then you people came along and it was all downhill for rival predators after that.
Compared to the Neanderthals, you regular humans were pretty puny specimens, but had one advantage; you were a lot smarter. You guys invented all sorts of wicked weapons (and still do to this day, even with no significant numbers of rival predators left standing, but that's a whole other puzzling story). If there's one thing a predator won't abide, it is competing carnivores in their territory, so on top of the pressure to constantly hunt and eat, inter-species warfare is never-ending.
Think of how lions treat cheetahs, leopards and hyenas. They kill them on sight if they can catch them. You regular humans did the same to the Neanderthal humans, then to the saber toothed cats, the big bears, the mammoths, the giant elk and caribou and just about any other creature who got in your way. What had been an uneasy but efficient standoff among Nature's predators became complete rout once humans decided they wanted everything everywhere, even the swamps and deserts. It was no wonder that dogs saw the handwriting on the wall and allied themselves with humans.
We may be slaves, but at least we're still here. Can't say the same for the Neanderthals, who are all gone, or even wolves, who were once very numerous but not so much anymore. They're one of the "endangered species" that some humans wring their hands about, conveniently forgetting that it was humans who pushed all these species to the brink of extinction. From what I read, tigers may be next. Too bad, too. Magnificent beasts, tigers.
I do a lot of reading on the internet, which I figure to be the closest thing you humans have to species memory. There's a whole lot of information to be learned there, and pretty easy to access if you have patience and the ability to ignore the frivolous and untrue. Which is sort of true with species memories too, since you have to take into account some of your ancestors who happened to be complete fools. Hey, it happens, even in the best of families, and the fools get to put in their 2¢ worth too, just like on the internet. It's up to the individual to tell the difference between nonsense and valuable information. It's not all that hard if you're sharp.
The problem with humans, however, is that anybody and everybody gets to breed. Not so in the animal world, where only the worthiest specimens get to pass on their seed. In general, the weak and mentally handicapped don't get to breed. The fools in my own family tree are few and far between, sneaky petes who coupled with a bitch while the pack leader wasn't looking. Like I said, these things happen. In human family trees, however, there's no Alpha Male around preventing feeble fools from banging out bunches and bunches of babies.
Heck, there was just a famous dopey human woman all over the news called the Octomom who had herself a whole litter! Odds are the father of those babies wasn't a rocket scientist. And every one of them will have equal access to the internet sooner or later. Hopefully they will have more on the ball than their Octomom and their anonymous father. Sometimes I wonder how it is that humans came out on top in the predator wars. But there's no denying that humanity did come out on top, and the proof is in the dog license hanging around my neck. Until next time, this is Jimmy, The Blogging Dog .
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 652
Science would have you believe that life's greatest priorities are, in this order, oxygen, water, food, sleep and shelter. They forgot to mention the biggest essential, fun. Without fun, your life is no life at all, but mere existence, and even weeds can have that. You're a person, live it up.
March 19, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 651
If we had no flaws we would need no laws. Laws are simply our attempts to level the playing field by discouraging our worst human tendencies.
THE LIFE COACH SAYS: EMBRACE THE AGE OF GREED!
The Life Coach here, you there. Last week we spoke about Perseverance. To become a LIfe Achiever and a Master Accumulator, perseverance is key. Today we discuss Attitude. The mind set and assertive demeanor of a Life Achiever is what sets him apart from ordinary men. It is his attitude that announces to the world that he is an achiever, and a person accustomed and entitled to great wealth and privilege. A Life Achiever is not meek or mild. He openly embraces greed, and counts his lucky stars to be living in The Golden Age of Greed. It is the greedy who possess most of the wealth, the finest homes, the great works of art, the jewels, the jets, the limousines and the Olympic-sized pools.
It is the greedy whose names populate and dominate the social news, the lists of wealthiest and most influential people, and who get their way. There are statues of the greedy in public parks and uncounted grand edifices named after greedy men in every city, town and village in the world. They demand more of life, and they take it and keep it. Students of The Life Coach Better Life System walk among the privileged few, the elite, the Getters and Keepers of this world. At The Life Coach Better Life Seminar, you will learn the ways of greed, the nuances of amassing more than you could ever need in a hundred lifetimes! And it will be yours, all yours, just for the hell of having it!
There are those who say that 2008 spelled the end of the Age of Greed. The economy blew up, our patrons were voted out of office and money became tighter than Bernie Madoff's collar. The losers of this world cried out that the days of the Master Accumulator had come to an end. How wrong they were! The government couldn't hand the wealthy elite billions of dollars fast enough and before a year was out it was business as usual. And what bailed the greedy out of this jam? Attitude! They were caught red-handed, there was no money left in their corporate treasuries and the rabble was calling for their heads. Lesser men might have caved in, but these were Master Accumulators who were not about to back off or relinquish a penny of their vast fortunes. Attitude saved the day!
Did they apologize for taking all the money? Did they run and hide? Did they promise to reform their risky behavior with other people's money while hanging on to every red cent of their own? Did they sell even one of their Rembrandts? Hell no! They stood tall. They were arrogant, demanding and imperial. They insisted that the Federal Government bail them out, and then came back for billions more when they blew through that dough in a matter of weeks! When called before Congress, the Master Accumulators treated the proceedings with contempt, dismissing the angry ravings of the assembled legislators as they would the tantrums of petulant children who cannot possibly understand the complex world of Getting and Keeping.
It was A Great Day For Greed, a day when the greedy rose like a Phoenix from the ashes to hatch more schemes that promise to attain for these visionaries even greater heights of Getting and Keeping! The Life Coach is proud to say that more than half the assembled CEOs were graduates of all 3 tiers of The Life Coach Better Life System: Better Life Seminar, Advanced Better Life Seminar and the final plateau, the Platinum Better Life Seminar. Like many of you, these people were once clueless losers, living ordinary lives in ordinary homes and driving regular cars, paying high tax rates and struggling to make ends meet, the finer things in life seemingly out of their reach.
Then, for a mere $300, they turned their lives around, attending a Better Life Seminar when The Life Coach rolled into their town. There they learned the basics of Getting and Keeping, and were on road to becoming Life Achievers. Having learned that the true goal in life is more, they went on to take the Advanced and Platinum seminars to gain the full set of tools and range of skills that brought them to the very pinnacle of life, earning the title of Master Accumulator. The $1,500 they spent for their Advanced Better life Seminar and the $10,000 spent to attend the Platinum Better Life Seminar? Returned many, many times over, pocket change to the very wealthy.
So what are you waiting for? Don't you want yours? Aren't you tired of living like a sap, paying taxes, working hard and doing the right things? Well, the "right thing" to do is to look out for #1, and embracing the Age of Greed is the first step towards building Attitude, that impenetrable wall between the Haves and Have-Nots. The proper attitude is essential before you can develop the skills to accumulate vast wealth, and attitude will help you keep what you have gained and gain more and more and more! More what, you ask? Well, more of everything, of course; homes, jewels, money, cars, private jets, works of art, stocks, bonds, miles and miles of real estate, yachts, or anything else that you feel like possessing.
And don't forget that Life Achievers enjoy the company of an unending string of beautiful lovers, the sort of women that losers can only dream about. A Life Achiever uses and discards these exquisite beauties like old socks, one after another for his whole life, even into his decrepit old age. Why? Because he can, and losers cannot! Of course nobody needs scores of beautiful lovers, several palatial homes, dozens of expensive vehicle or more money than many small nations. Need is not the point, Greed is the point! You can have all these things because you want them, and the attitude you cultivate will convince yourself and others that you are entitled to take and take and take.
Attitude will sweep aside the questions of lesser men. Attitude will attract beautiful women. Attitude will identify you as a Master Accumulator, one of those who are perched at the very top of the the food chain! Call now and reserve a seat at my next Better Life Seminar. Life owes you, and will not pay unless you make it pay. Call 1(800) NUMBER1 right now an learn how. Let The Life Coach introduce you to a Better Life. Money can and does buy happiness, and Better Life Seminars are where you learn to embrace the greed in your heart, and to become a Life Achiever, a Getter and Keeper and a Master Accumulator. Do you have the will, the greed and the Attitude to join the elite? The only thing you have to lose is being a loser.
It is the greedy whose names populate and dominate the social news, the lists of wealthiest and most influential people, and who get their way. There are statues of the greedy in public parks and uncounted grand edifices named after greedy men in every city, town and village in the world. They demand more of life, and they take it and keep it. Students of The Life Coach Better Life System walk among the privileged few, the elite, the Getters and Keepers of this world. At The Life Coach Better Life Seminar, you will learn the ways of greed, the nuances of amassing more than you could ever need in a hundred lifetimes! And it will be yours, all yours, just for the hell of having it!
There are those who say that 2008 spelled the end of the Age of Greed. The economy blew up, our patrons were voted out of office and money became tighter than Bernie Madoff's collar. The losers of this world cried out that the days of the Master Accumulator had come to an end. How wrong they were! The government couldn't hand the wealthy elite billions of dollars fast enough and before a year was out it was business as usual. And what bailed the greedy out of this jam? Attitude! They were caught red-handed, there was no money left in their corporate treasuries and the rabble was calling for their heads. Lesser men might have caved in, but these were Master Accumulators who were not about to back off or relinquish a penny of their vast fortunes. Attitude saved the day!
Did they apologize for taking all the money? Did they run and hide? Did they promise to reform their risky behavior with other people's money while hanging on to every red cent of their own? Did they sell even one of their Rembrandts? Hell no! They stood tall. They were arrogant, demanding and imperial. They insisted that the Federal Government bail them out, and then came back for billions more when they blew through that dough in a matter of weeks! When called before Congress, the Master Accumulators treated the proceedings with contempt, dismissing the angry ravings of the assembled legislators as they would the tantrums of petulant children who cannot possibly understand the complex world of Getting and Keeping.
It was A Great Day For Greed, a day when the greedy rose like a Phoenix from the ashes to hatch more schemes that promise to attain for these visionaries even greater heights of Getting and Keeping! The Life Coach is proud to say that more than half the assembled CEOs were graduates of all 3 tiers of The Life Coach Better Life System: Better Life Seminar, Advanced Better Life Seminar and the final plateau, the Platinum Better Life Seminar. Like many of you, these people were once clueless losers, living ordinary lives in ordinary homes and driving regular cars, paying high tax rates and struggling to make ends meet, the finer things in life seemingly out of their reach.
Then, for a mere $300, they turned their lives around, attending a Better Life Seminar when The Life Coach rolled into their town. There they learned the basics of Getting and Keeping, and were on road to becoming Life Achievers. Having learned that the true goal in life is more, they went on to take the Advanced and Platinum seminars to gain the full set of tools and range of skills that brought them to the very pinnacle of life, earning the title of Master Accumulator. The $1,500 they spent for their Advanced Better life Seminar and the $10,000 spent to attend the Platinum Better Life Seminar? Returned many, many times over, pocket change to the very wealthy.
So what are you waiting for? Don't you want yours? Aren't you tired of living like a sap, paying taxes, working hard and doing the right things? Well, the "right thing" to do is to look out for #1, and embracing the Age of Greed is the first step towards building Attitude, that impenetrable wall between the Haves and Have-Nots. The proper attitude is essential before you can develop the skills to accumulate vast wealth, and attitude will help you keep what you have gained and gain more and more and more! More what, you ask? Well, more of everything, of course; homes, jewels, money, cars, private jets, works of art, stocks, bonds, miles and miles of real estate, yachts, or anything else that you feel like possessing.
And don't forget that Life Achievers enjoy the company of an unending string of beautiful lovers, the sort of women that losers can only dream about. A Life Achiever uses and discards these exquisite beauties like old socks, one after another for his whole life, even into his decrepit old age. Why? Because he can, and losers cannot! Of course nobody needs scores of beautiful lovers, several palatial homes, dozens of expensive vehicle or more money than many small nations. Need is not the point, Greed is the point! You can have all these things because you want them, and the attitude you cultivate will convince yourself and others that you are entitled to take and take and take.
Attitude will sweep aside the questions of lesser men. Attitude will attract beautiful women. Attitude will identify you as a Master Accumulator, one of those who are perched at the very top of the the food chain! Call now and reserve a seat at my next Better Life Seminar. Life owes you, and will not pay unless you make it pay. Call 1(800) NUMBER1 right now an learn how. Let The Life Coach introduce you to a Better Life. Money can and does buy happiness, and Better Life Seminars are where you learn to embrace the greed in your heart, and to become a Life Achiever, a Getter and Keeper and a Master Accumulator. Do you have the will, the greed and the Attitude to join the elite? The only thing you have to lose is being a loser.
March 18, 2010
IT'S ST PATRICK'S DAY AND LIFE IS GOOD
Life is good. It's St. Patty's Day and the bagpipers, high school marching bands and baton twirlers had their best weather in years for the St. Patrick's Day Parade, and they all did the Irish and New York City proud on Fifth Avenue. New York's new Irish Archbishop made his inaugural appearance, and he was as wide eyed as a little boy at his first parade. Spring is here, alive and singing, sweeter than ever after a long, hard Winter.
Spring doesn't officially start for a few days yet, but it's on, and who cares what the calendar says when it's 60 degrees, sunny and blue? New Yorkers are filling the streets and parks, shaking off the cabin fever and shedding layers of clothes. A day like today? Now you're talking! Great day for a stroll, or for the terminally busy, a quick peek at a glorious sky and then back to work with a little jazz in your step. Nothing affirms how good life is like the first perfect Spring Day. Even 500 caterwauling bagpipes screeching down Fifth Avenue can't put a dent in the joy of this moment. Happy Springtime and happy St Patty's Day.
Life is good. It's St. Patty's Day and the bagpipers, high school marching bands and baton twirlers had their best weather in years for the St. Patrick's Day Parade, and they all did the Irish and New York City proud on Fifth Avenue. New York's new Irish Archbishop made his inaugural appearance, and he was as wide eyed as a little boy at his first parade. Spring is here, alive and singing, sweeter than ever after a long, hard Winter.
Spring doesn't officially start for a few days yet, but it's on, and who cares what the calendar says when it's 60 degrees, sunny and blue? New Yorkers are filling the streets and parks, shaking off the cabin fever and shedding layers of clothes. A day like today? Now you're talking! Great day for a stroll, or for the terminally busy, a quick peek at a glorious sky and then back to work with a little jazz in your step. Nothing affirms how good life is like the first perfect Spring Day. Even 500 caterwauling bagpipes screeching down Fifth Avenue can't put a dent in the joy of this moment. Happy Springtime and happy St Patty's Day.
Spring doesn't officially start for a few days yet, but it's on, and who cares what the calendar says when it's 60 degrees, sunny and blue? New Yorkers are filling the streets and parks, shaking off the cabin fever and shedding layers of clothes. A day like today? Now you're talking! Great day for a stroll, or for the terminally busy, a quick peek at a glorious sky and then back to work with a little jazz in your step. Nothing affirms how good life is like the first perfect Spring Day. Even 500 caterwauling bagpipes screeching down Fifth Avenue can't put a dent in the joy of this moment. Happy Springtime and happy St Patty's Day.
Life is good. It's St. Patty's Day and the bagpipers, high school marching bands and baton twirlers had their best weather in years for the St. Patrick's Day Parade, and they all did the Irish and New York City proud on Fifth Avenue. New York's new Irish Archbishop made his inaugural appearance, and he was as wide eyed as a little boy at his first parade. Spring is here, alive and singing, sweeter than ever after a long, hard Winter.
Spring doesn't officially start for a few days yet, but it's on, and who cares what the calendar says when it's 60 degrees, sunny and blue? New Yorkers are filling the streets and parks, shaking off the cabin fever and shedding layers of clothes. A day like today? Now you're talking! Great day for a stroll, or for the terminally busy, a quick peek at a glorious sky and then back to work with a little jazz in your step. Nothing affirms how good life is like the first perfect Spring Day. Even 500 caterwauling bagpipes screeching down Fifth Avenue can't put a dent in the joy of this moment. Happy Springtime and happy St Patty's Day.
March 15, 2010
DOPOTO REPORTS: WHAT IS, IS. A GUIDE TO THE EMPEROR'S NEW WARDROBE
The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO), the world's foremost organization for not interpreting anything, has been as busy as ever keeping track of reality. Our job is simple, to observe and report. Not so simple, however, is sifting through attempts to explain away reality with "alternate explanations," in effect telling people that what we think we see is not what we see, but what we are told tp see. Big difference. There are no alternate explanations to truth. For example, water is wet, and nothing anyone says makes it any less wet. It is water, and nothing else. With this in mind, researchers and analysts here at DOPOTO have come up with a useful guide to people and words to beware of when trying to identify the obvious the news.
Corporate Spokesperson: Professional liar. Once called press agents, corporate spokepeople are individuals hired for several unique abilities; the capacity to lie with a straight face, the art of speaking while saying nothing and the ability to make even the biggest bonehead error seem like a stroke of genius. There is no reason to hire a press agent if you wish to announce what is actually going on (the truth) as opposed to what you want people to think is going on (lies). Always consider who is doing the announcing before accepting what they say at face value.
Lawyer: See above
Politician: See above:
Cable TV Analyst: These people generally analyze nothing and use carefully selected and misleadingly edited news stories along with out-of-context quotes to bolster whatever political view they are selling. In other words, attempting to redefine reality to conform with their views, even if their opinion is that water is a dry substance.
Words and Phrases That Sound Like Something But Are Nothing: The following are commonly used words and phrases often brilliantly employed by the above-listed individuals that do the opposite of what language is designed for - to communicate clearly. The beauty of some of these things is that they look like something, or sound like something, but are not.
Unseen Market Forces At Work: The phrase "unseen market forces at work" is often used by business executives (or their press agents) to assign blame for their latest dismal failure, citing the economy as a whole rather than themselves as individuals as the culprit. It also implies that the speaker is in possession of some special knowledge or secret code that ordinary people do not possess, complex formulas like literacy and simple mathematics. When used by corporate CEOs and politicians attempting to explain why the economy is a runaway train with the gold robbed from its safe by desperadoes in Brooks Brothers suits and everyone got fired from their jobs, it means: "we have no idea how any of this works either."
Free Markets: This phrase simply means a desire on the part of wealthy individuals and corporations to have no rules or regulations to obey or taxes to pay. Researchers here at The Department have confirmed that most people wouldn't mind having any rules or taxes either but still see the wisdom of three-strikes-and-you're-out and other laws and regulations we have formulated to assure a relatively smooth-running society. In a world where cashiers at McDonald's have cameras trained on the cash register to discourage theft, senior analysts at DOPOTO have concluded that it is not a bad idea to scrupulously regulate the people handling many billions of dollars more of other people's money than the average McDonald's cashier.
Alternate explanation: This means anything you want it to mean, which generally adds up to meaning nothing at all. It was invented by a defense attorney desperately trying to convince a jury of sane people that there was an alternate explanation for the 27 dismembered bodies buried in his client's basement and his set of human skull soup bowls. Most alternate explanations work about as well as that one did.
Right Thinking American: Invented a week after America was invented, this meaningless phrase all at once covers the speaker in the American flag while identifying anyone who disagrees with them as a puppy-drowning traitor. Right Thinking Americans would do well to skip this phrase and concentrate on whatever it is that this person is demanding you agree with. It just might be the opposite of what you really believe.
Foreign Policy: In a nation where foreign policy changes every 4 or 8 years, this is another elastic phrase that can mean whatever the current administration wishes, whether explaining away invading another country by mistake, trying to slap tariffs on China to prevent our last remaining factory from relocating there or to justify our dear friendships with misogynistic tyrants in gowns whose sandbox nations just happen to be floating on a sea of petroleum. Foreign Policy often means whatever foreign misadventure the current president is up to at the expense of everyone else.
Underperformance: Not a real word, but one made up by executives in relation to their company's dismal stock price in an attempt to blame their colossal failures on "unforeseen market forces." Think of it this way: when a trapeze artist misses the trapeze and plunges 50 feet to ground, he has seriously underperformed. Unlike elite corporate princes, however, the trapeze artist doesn't get to console himself by awarding himself and his fellow trapeze artists billions of dollars of other people's money as a bonus.
Performance Bonus: Grand theft on a monumental scale. A simple concept, earning a reward for outstanding performance, the bonus is as old as commerce itself. In corporate circles, however, the bonus has become a tool for stealing other people's money, the stockholders' in most cases, no matter what sort of performance is turned in, with corporate executives feeling entitled to a huge bonus on top of their already obscene salaries. Until recent years the highest paid executives earned 20 to 30 times more than the average worker. These days, the average CEO earns 200 times the median wage, and collects a bonus even if they fail. When a greedy people answer to no one, there is only one possible outcome, and the results are predictable and yes, blatantly obvious.
The Liberal (or Conservative) Agenda: This phrase implies that all conservatives, or liberals, or Democrat or Republican or any other large group of people have identical goals. Usually this "agenda" is referred to by opposition groups to suggest that there is some sort of vast conspiracy afoot. In reality, an elite team of researchers in The Department assigned to uncovering these mysterious agendas have found that these groups are often in sharp disagreement within their own ranks and can barely reach a consensus on what kind of donuts to serve at their meetings, never mind planning global domination. See: Right Thinking American (above).
This was report from The Department of Pointing Out The Obvious.
Corporate Spokesperson: Professional liar. Once called press agents, corporate spokepeople are individuals hired for several unique abilities; the capacity to lie with a straight face, the art of speaking while saying nothing and the ability to make even the biggest bonehead error seem like a stroke of genius. There is no reason to hire a press agent if you wish to announce what is actually going on (the truth) as opposed to what you want people to think is going on (lies). Always consider who is doing the announcing before accepting what they say at face value.
Lawyer: See above
Politician: See above:
Cable TV Analyst: These people generally analyze nothing and use carefully selected and misleadingly edited news stories along with out-of-context quotes to bolster whatever political view they are selling. In other words, attempting to redefine reality to conform with their views, even if their opinion is that water is a dry substance.
Words and Phrases That Sound Like Something But Are Nothing: The following are commonly used words and phrases often brilliantly employed by the above-listed individuals that do the opposite of what language is designed for - to communicate clearly. The beauty of some of these things is that they look like something, or sound like something, but are not.
Unseen Market Forces At Work: The phrase "unseen market forces at work" is often used by business executives (or their press agents) to assign blame for their latest dismal failure, citing the economy as a whole rather than themselves as individuals as the culprit. It also implies that the speaker is in possession of some special knowledge or secret code that ordinary people do not possess, complex formulas like literacy and simple mathematics. When used by corporate CEOs and politicians attempting to explain why the economy is a runaway train with the gold robbed from its safe by desperadoes in Brooks Brothers suits and everyone got fired from their jobs, it means: "we have no idea how any of this works either."
Free Markets: This phrase simply means a desire on the part of wealthy individuals and corporations to have no rules or regulations to obey or taxes to pay. Researchers here at The Department have confirmed that most people wouldn't mind having any rules or taxes either but still see the wisdom of three-strikes-and-you're-out and other laws and regulations we have formulated to assure a relatively smooth-running society. In a world where cashiers at McDonald's have cameras trained on the cash register to discourage theft, senior analysts at DOPOTO have concluded that it is not a bad idea to scrupulously regulate the people handling many billions of dollars more of other people's money than the average McDonald's cashier.
Alternate explanation: This means anything you want it to mean, which generally adds up to meaning nothing at all. It was invented by a defense attorney desperately trying to convince a jury of sane people that there was an alternate explanation for the 27 dismembered bodies buried in his client's basement and his set of human skull soup bowls. Most alternate explanations work about as well as that one did.
Right Thinking American: Invented a week after America was invented, this meaningless phrase all at once covers the speaker in the American flag while identifying anyone who disagrees with them as a puppy-drowning traitor. Right Thinking Americans would do well to skip this phrase and concentrate on whatever it is that this person is demanding you agree with. It just might be the opposite of what you really believe.
Foreign Policy: In a nation where foreign policy changes every 4 or 8 years, this is another elastic phrase that can mean whatever the current administration wishes, whether explaining away invading another country by mistake, trying to slap tariffs on China to prevent our last remaining factory from relocating there or to justify our dear friendships with misogynistic tyrants in gowns whose sandbox nations just happen to be floating on a sea of petroleum. Foreign Policy often means whatever foreign misadventure the current president is up to at the expense of everyone else.
Underperformance: Not a real word, but one made up by executives in relation to their company's dismal stock price in an attempt to blame their colossal failures on "unforeseen market forces." Think of it this way: when a trapeze artist misses the trapeze and plunges 50 feet to ground, he has seriously underperformed. Unlike elite corporate princes, however, the trapeze artist doesn't get to console himself by awarding himself and his fellow trapeze artists billions of dollars of other people's money as a bonus.
Performance Bonus: Grand theft on a monumental scale. A simple concept, earning a reward for outstanding performance, the bonus is as old as commerce itself. In corporate circles, however, the bonus has become a tool for stealing other people's money, the stockholders' in most cases, no matter what sort of performance is turned in, with corporate executives feeling entitled to a huge bonus on top of their already obscene salaries. Until recent years the highest paid executives earned 20 to 30 times more than the average worker. These days, the average CEO earns 200 times the median wage, and collects a bonus even if they fail. When a greedy people answer to no one, there is only one possible outcome, and the results are predictable and yes, blatantly obvious.
The Liberal (or Conservative) Agenda: This phrase implies that all conservatives, or liberals, or Democrat or Republican or any other large group of people have identical goals. Usually this "agenda" is referred to by opposition groups to suggest that there is some sort of vast conspiracy afoot. In reality, an elite team of researchers in The Department assigned to uncovering these mysterious agendas have found that these groups are often in sharp disagreement within their own ranks and can barely reach a consensus on what kind of donuts to serve at their meetings, never mind planning global domination. See: Right Thinking American (above).
This was report from The Department of Pointing Out The Obvious.
March 13, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 648
Living with a woman means that every so often she's going to move your stuff around, whether you like it or not. Unless you're fond of fighting losing battles, it's best to just get used to it.
DEAR DOT KAHM: THE WAGES OF SIN ARE PRETTY GOOD
Hello readers. I don't know if the phony religious trend in this country is growing, or if it just seems that way since a lot of these clowns are such damned loudmouths or if they just like to write to me because I write about sex a lot, that part of the human makeup only slightly less powerful than our drive to breathe and eat. Whatever the case, these people are really starting to get on old Dot's nerves. Not a damned one of them would be here without sex. Not a damned one of them thinks about sex any less the the rest of us. Don't get me wrong, people, I respect religion and know very well how it can bring comfort and purpose to many lives and act as a powerful force for bringing all that is good and decent in people.
At least that's the idea. Unfortunately, religions of all kinds seem to have been hijacked by evil creeps with big mouths and small brains looking to get other people to join them in their campaigns of intolerance, pretty much the opposite of the mission statement of what religions are supposed to be about. Take the message of Jesus Christ, for example, the Prince of Peace with a simple message of love, respect, and kindness towards all people. All I can say is that it's a it's a good thing He rose from the dead or He would have spent the past 2,000 years rolling in His grave. Check out some of these jokers:
Dear Dot Kahm: I have been following your column and I find your casual attitude towards sex appalling. America is obsessed with sex and you aren't helping! This is wrong and God is not amused! What do have to you say to that? - Myrna from Michigan
Dear Myrna: I say it's too bad your parents didn't share your aversion to one of humanity's most powerful drives. This way I wouldn't have to be talking to you now and there would be one less annoying misfit in this world. And while God might not be amused, you have to figure He's wondering how good something has to be if even one of the most wonderful things He gave us is considered not good enough for the likes of you. What more do you want, Myrna, that your pussy should sing Hosannas when you're getting busy?
Dear Dot Kahm: I am a prostitute, Dot, and don't care who knows it. I like my work but I'm a little sick and tired of people judging me. I have a commodity that is much in demand, and I sell my services to clients who are happy to pay. I work as hard as anyone and earn an honest living, and a pretty damned good one, too. Why should I risk arrest pursuing the world's oldest profession? - Kandy Kane
Dear Kandy Kane: You're preaching to the choir, here, kiddo. Doing what comes naturally is no crime, and this country needs to grow up about sex. What are we, infants? Why people think sex is a sin is a mystery to me. Might as well outlaw eating and breathing for all the good it will do. People need sex and many men are willing to pay for it. Do the math.
Dear Dot Kahm: My name is Roger and I'm a forty five-year old bachelor who enjoys great sex and doesn't mind paying for it. Can I get Kandy Kane's number? - Roger Framunda
Dear Roger Framunda: No can do. I don't give out people's numbers without permission. Can I pass yours along to her?
Dear Doat Kahm: No, don't do that! - Roger Framunda
Dear Roger: Why didn't you just say you were married, Rog? Married men are working girls' best customers! Sorry, but I still can't hook you up. This is not eHorny.com, it's Dot Kahm. You'll have to do your own sniffing out, Dawg.
Dear Dot Kahm: I am the father of 3 beautiful daughters ages 15 to 19. There is a constant stream of young boys coming to our house and I don't like it. I know what boys are after, just the one thing. I was their age once, so I know. What should I tell my girls? Big Daddy
Dear Big Daddy: If you or their mother haven't spoken frankly to your daughters about boys and sex and birth control by this time you should be ashamed of yourselves! Well, Big Daddy, I was once their age too, and guess what? Girls have one thing on their minds too! They are just as curious and eager to explore their burgeoning sexuality as boys, and need their parents to guide and advise them. They are going to learn about and experience sex with or without your input, pal, so if I were you I'd sit them down ASAP and tell them about birth control, personal hygiene, and personal responsibility and hope you're not too late to teach them that sex is a normal, healthy and vital part of life, and when properly shared is an elevation, never a degradation of their femininity, humanity and desirability. By age 15 a girl has a pretty god idea of what sex is all about, and I hope their ideas were formed with the input of their parents. Be a Big Daddy already and talk to your girls. They're not doing anything wrong by being beautiful and desirable, but you're doing something wrong by not addressing this most basic of life issues. With your guidance, their sex lives (and you cannot prevent them from having one, so forget that) will be healthy and rewarding rather than traumatic and tawdry.
Dear Dot Kahm: I have small children and I'm considering what to tell them about sex when the time comes. What do you think of the celibacy option? - Dora the non-Explorer
Dear Dora The Non-Explorer: For who? Maybe for people in a coma, but for everyone else, celibacy just isn't happening. All those half-wit phony Christians out there pushing abstinence on their children are kidding themselves, and statistics show that their kids are getting just as busy with one another as anyone else's. The only difference is that their kids wind up sneaking around, feeling guilty and wicked for doing what comes naturally. Celibacy, my left tit! Check out my reply above to Big Daddy. The time to tell them about sex is sooner than you think.
Dear Dot Kahm: My boyfriend says he loves me but would like me to have bigger breasts. Should I get implants to please him? - Little Nell
Dear Little Nell: Your boy friend is a lying sack of shit and you need to dump his sorry ass now. Have you asked him to have surgery? Odds are this guy will never be pleased with you, so don't go the Bride of Frankenstein route just because he's a jerk. That train only leads to plastic surgery, further feelings of inadequacy, more plastic surgery and finally a stretched, expressionless face and health complications. There's plenty of guys who love cute little titties, Nell, and who will love you just as you are.
Dear Dot Kahm: What is the most important thing about a lover? - Randy
Dear Randy: Generosity. Lovers come in all shapes and sizes, but someone who remembers that you're in the room too and goes out of his or her way to give as well as receive pleasure is what makes a great lover.
Well, kids, Dot Kahm singing off for now. Until next time, be good, kind and generous to your lover, and have a little fun too. Sex is how grownups play.
At least that's the idea. Unfortunately, religions of all kinds seem to have been hijacked by evil creeps with big mouths and small brains looking to get other people to join them in their campaigns of intolerance, pretty much the opposite of the mission statement of what religions are supposed to be about. Take the message of Jesus Christ, for example, the Prince of Peace with a simple message of love, respect, and kindness towards all people. All I can say is that it's a it's a good thing He rose from the dead or He would have spent the past 2,000 years rolling in His grave. Check out some of these jokers:
Dear Dot Kahm: I have been following your column and I find your casual attitude towards sex appalling. America is obsessed with sex and you aren't helping! This is wrong and God is not amused! What do have to you say to that? - Myrna from Michigan
Dear Myrna: I say it's too bad your parents didn't share your aversion to one of humanity's most powerful drives. This way I wouldn't have to be talking to you now and there would be one less annoying misfit in this world. And while God might not be amused, you have to figure He's wondering how good something has to be if even one of the most wonderful things He gave us is considered not good enough for the likes of you. What more do you want, Myrna, that your pussy should sing Hosannas when you're getting busy?
Dear Dot Kahm: I am a prostitute, Dot, and don't care who knows it. I like my work but I'm a little sick and tired of people judging me. I have a commodity that is much in demand, and I sell my services to clients who are happy to pay. I work as hard as anyone and earn an honest living, and a pretty damned good one, too. Why should I risk arrest pursuing the world's oldest profession? - Kandy Kane
Dear Kandy Kane: You're preaching to the choir, here, kiddo. Doing what comes naturally is no crime, and this country needs to grow up about sex. What are we, infants? Why people think sex is a sin is a mystery to me. Might as well outlaw eating and breathing for all the good it will do. People need sex and many men are willing to pay for it. Do the math.
Dear Dot Kahm: My name is Roger and I'm a forty five-year old bachelor who enjoys great sex and doesn't mind paying for it. Can I get Kandy Kane's number? - Roger Framunda
Dear Roger Framunda: No can do. I don't give out people's numbers without permission. Can I pass yours along to her?
Dear Doat Kahm: No, don't do that! - Roger Framunda
Dear Roger: Why didn't you just say you were married, Rog? Married men are working girls' best customers! Sorry, but I still can't hook you up. This is not eHorny.com, it's Dot Kahm. You'll have to do your own sniffing out, Dawg.
Dear Dot Kahm: I am the father of 3 beautiful daughters ages 15 to 19. There is a constant stream of young boys coming to our house and I don't like it. I know what boys are after, just the one thing. I was their age once, so I know. What should I tell my girls? Big Daddy
Dear Big Daddy: If you or their mother haven't spoken frankly to your daughters about boys and sex and birth control by this time you should be ashamed of yourselves! Well, Big Daddy, I was once their age too, and guess what? Girls have one thing on their minds too! They are just as curious and eager to explore their burgeoning sexuality as boys, and need their parents to guide and advise them. They are going to learn about and experience sex with or without your input, pal, so if I were you I'd sit them down ASAP and tell them about birth control, personal hygiene, and personal responsibility and hope you're not too late to teach them that sex is a normal, healthy and vital part of life, and when properly shared is an elevation, never a degradation of their femininity, humanity and desirability. By age 15 a girl has a pretty god idea of what sex is all about, and I hope their ideas were formed with the input of their parents. Be a Big Daddy already and talk to your girls. They're not doing anything wrong by being beautiful and desirable, but you're doing something wrong by not addressing this most basic of life issues. With your guidance, their sex lives (and you cannot prevent them from having one, so forget that) will be healthy and rewarding rather than traumatic and tawdry.
Dear Dot Kahm: I have small children and I'm considering what to tell them about sex when the time comes. What do you think of the celibacy option? - Dora the non-Explorer
Dear Dora The Non-Explorer: For who? Maybe for people in a coma, but for everyone else, celibacy just isn't happening. All those half-wit phony Christians out there pushing abstinence on their children are kidding themselves, and statistics show that their kids are getting just as busy with one another as anyone else's. The only difference is that their kids wind up sneaking around, feeling guilty and wicked for doing what comes naturally. Celibacy, my left tit! Check out my reply above to Big Daddy. The time to tell them about sex is sooner than you think.
Dear Dot Kahm: My boyfriend says he loves me but would like me to have bigger breasts. Should I get implants to please him? - Little Nell
Dear Little Nell: Your boy friend is a lying sack of shit and you need to dump his sorry ass now. Have you asked him to have surgery? Odds are this guy will never be pleased with you, so don't go the Bride of Frankenstein route just because he's a jerk. That train only leads to plastic surgery, further feelings of inadequacy, more plastic surgery and finally a stretched, expressionless face and health complications. There's plenty of guys who love cute little titties, Nell, and who will love you just as you are.
Dear Dot Kahm: What is the most important thing about a lover? - Randy
Dear Randy: Generosity. Lovers come in all shapes and sizes, but someone who remembers that you're in the room too and goes out of his or her way to give as well as receive pleasure is what makes a great lover.
Well, kids, Dot Kahm singing off for now. Until next time, be good, kind and generous to your lover, and have a little fun too. Sex is how grownups play.
March 11, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 647
If you find yourself in the middle of nowhere eluding armed men sent to hunt you down with bloodhounds, odds are you didn't think things all the way through. Sometimes the things we do have serious repercussions.
IRAQ: JUST LIKE TEXAS EXCEPT FOR THE EXPLOSIONS, THE CIVIL WAR AND ALL THAT CHAOS
It's election time in Iraq. You know what that means, right? Yes, that's right, an opportunity for Urban Renewal! In a unique cultural quirk, Iraqis look at elections as not only ringing in the new when it comes to elected officials, but a chance to demolish a lot of aging, decrepit buidings. And if the demolitions experts are notorious for not clearing the area of civilians before setting their explosive charges, well, that's just Darwinism at work, Iraqi style. The thinning of the herd and survival of the fittest is more than dry book theory to Iraqis, who put it into practice with constant field testing, and only the fittest, the smartest and the swiftest of Iraqis survive election season.
Which works out pretty well for them. Who would you want rebuilding your shattered infrastructure, a bunch of slow, unthinking drones who blindly walk into a trap and are mowed down like so many blades of grass, or those smart enough and fast enough enough to outwit and outrun the demolition men? Of course you'd want only the best and brightest to build the New Iraq, what with the old one being in pretty bad shape after a 10 year war with Iran back in the 1980s, a beat down by America troops in 1991 and the complete annihilation of their army and former government by America starting in 2003 and continuing to this day. These people need their wits about them!
With their old leader hung and his government removed from office (hung), the elections are are a necessary exercise to formulate a working government in preparation for the day when American troops cease occupying this Texas look-alike. And what better way than to start fresh, with brand new roads, buildings and power plants to replace the old roads, buildings and power plants? Which, truth be told, were getting a little long in the tooth, with some of these structures dating back thousands of years! Forward-thinking Iraqis are grateful to America for providing them this golden opportunity to bring their ancient nation into the 21st century.
Towards that end, whenever an election is called, the demolitions experts get busy. First, they gather to decide which buildings and open air markets have to go, then there's the recruitment and training phase where young men are signed up to carry out the clearing of the old and decrepit to make way for the shiny and new. Apparently many Iraqis are unhappy with their government buildings, especially those housing their police and military forces, and also their hopelessly antiquated polling places. So, in order to provide the New Iraq with state-of-the-art facilities, the old ones need to be torn down, and in a big hurry. Nothing says go away like several hundred pounds of C-4 plastic explosives packed tightly in an old sedan!
And if some Iraqis are too old, slow or dimwitted to avoid the demolition sites, well, it's the old eggs and omelets theory, although the Iraqi recipe for making an omelet always seems to start with vaporized eggs. To each his own, as they say, and who's to say that Iraqi omelets are less tasty than others? What may seem chaotic and frenzied to Western eyes is merely a new cultural take on political institutions and natiaon-building. So far during this election season, many new construction sites have been prepared, with some of the explosions so powerful that the foundation is pre-dug for the builders. All the engineers need to do is clear away the rubble and the bodies and start pouring cement!
So let us applaud the industrious Iraqis for their refreshing approach to democracy. Useless people and useless infrastructure swept aside together, making room for the new, the bold and the modern! When the dust clears (literally), Iraq will be in possession of a new set of leaders and a new set of impressive buildings in which to house them. America can then pack up and go home, well satisfied with a job well done as the newest member of the Brotherhood of Democracies sets up shop in the Middle East as a shining beacon of liberty and a fine example of self-determination and Social Darwinism. Let the voting and exploding begin!
Which works out pretty well for them. Who would you want rebuilding your shattered infrastructure, a bunch of slow, unthinking drones who blindly walk into a trap and are mowed down like so many blades of grass, or those smart enough and fast enough enough to outwit and outrun the demolition men? Of course you'd want only the best and brightest to build the New Iraq, what with the old one being in pretty bad shape after a 10 year war with Iran back in the 1980s, a beat down by America troops in 1991 and the complete annihilation of their army and former government by America starting in 2003 and continuing to this day. These people need their wits about them!
With their old leader hung and his government removed from office (hung), the elections are are a necessary exercise to formulate a working government in preparation for the day when American troops cease occupying this Texas look-alike. And what better way than to start fresh, with brand new roads, buildings and power plants to replace the old roads, buildings and power plants? Which, truth be told, were getting a little long in the tooth, with some of these structures dating back thousands of years! Forward-thinking Iraqis are grateful to America for providing them this golden opportunity to bring their ancient nation into the 21st century.
Towards that end, whenever an election is called, the demolitions experts get busy. First, they gather to decide which buildings and open air markets have to go, then there's the recruitment and training phase where young men are signed up to carry out the clearing of the old and decrepit to make way for the shiny and new. Apparently many Iraqis are unhappy with their government buildings, especially those housing their police and military forces, and also their hopelessly antiquated polling places. So, in order to provide the New Iraq with state-of-the-art facilities, the old ones need to be torn down, and in a big hurry. Nothing says go away like several hundred pounds of C-4 plastic explosives packed tightly in an old sedan!
And if some Iraqis are too old, slow or dimwitted to avoid the demolition sites, well, it's the old eggs and omelets theory, although the Iraqi recipe for making an omelet always seems to start with vaporized eggs. To each his own, as they say, and who's to say that Iraqi omelets are less tasty than others? What may seem chaotic and frenzied to Western eyes is merely a new cultural take on political institutions and natiaon-building. So far during this election season, many new construction sites have been prepared, with some of the explosions so powerful that the foundation is pre-dug for the builders. All the engineers need to do is clear away the rubble and the bodies and start pouring cement!
So let us applaud the industrious Iraqis for their refreshing approach to democracy. Useless people and useless infrastructure swept aside together, making room for the new, the bold and the modern! When the dust clears (literally), Iraq will be in possession of a new set of leaders and a new set of impressive buildings in which to house them. America can then pack up and go home, well satisfied with a job well done as the newest member of the Brotherhood of Democracies sets up shop in the Middle East as a shining beacon of liberty and a fine example of self-determination and Social Darwinism. Let the voting and exploding begin!
March 10, 2010
IF ONLY OUR HEADS WEREN'T UP OUR ASSES...
You don't need to be reminded that this world is getting out of hand. Anyone with eyes and ears and half a brain can see that. There's wars, starvation, hatred, exploitation, greed and American Idol to contend with on a regular basis, and now on top of all that the economy is shot so we can't even spend our way into stuporous complacency to make it all go away for a few hours. Money's tight for everyone except the wealthy bankers who stole it all and got away with it. Who's got the money for a decent bender these days?
You're thinking, how did we get in such a mess? You figure the world has been in worse shape before and somehow survived, like with World Wars, Hundred Years Wars, the Black Plague and having all our world leaders and assorted royalty dressing up in makeup, powdered wigs and musical theater costumes like it it was Mardi Gras all the time. Those things were pretty disappointing, especially the silly costumes and wigs. What was everybody thinking?"
Somehow the world recovered from these catastrophes and mankind moved on in the fits and starts that have marked our slow march out of our caves and hunting grounds into moon rockets and luxury condominiums (Are there any other kind of condos, like regular ones?). From running from giant predators to running water, from smoke signals to electricity, computers and cell phones, it's been quite a journey. We might have been a lot further along if not for all the warfare, genocide and tyranny. We have also poisoned our water, our land and our air and burned so much dirty fuel to power our new toys that we are now changing the climate of the planet, placing all of us in mortal peril. Two steps forward, one step back.
Not that it's all bad. People have done and continue to do wonderful and amazing things. We've been to the moon, cured polio, invented rock & roll and came together as a planet in The United Nations to declare the universal rights of all mankind. The human rights deal has been spotty at best, but we're working on it. The problem with that is, and always was, us. We seem to have our heads buried pretty far up our own asses, a position that makes it difficult to notice what selfish and paranoid jerks we've been. We hate and mistrust other people and nations for the stupidest of reasons, if indeed you can call hatred remotely reasonable.
We allow 36,000 people to die of starvation every single day, 85% of them children under 5 years old. That's over 11 million dead little children every year. Uncounted millions more join them in early graves due to the numerous diseases contracted from drinking contaminated water. We know better than this and can do better, but we don't. Why? Who knows, maybe out of sight, out of mind? Maybe we think it's someone else's problem? Or do we think the problem is too big to tackle and so throw our hands up and lament what a hard, hard world this can be?
That's not the attitude that defeated the genocidal fascists in World War 2 and put a man on the moon in 1969, two fairly monumental undertakings that were completed within a single decade. Isn't feeding dying children at least as pressing a priority? How about freeing the slaves in many Muslim countries? What slaves, you ask? Their women, of course, fully half their populations under house arrest, denied educations, jobs, drivers' licenses, property, life choices, freedom of movement, medical care and pretty much anything the majority other nations' women take for granted. The United Nations Declaration of Universal Human Rights exempts no one, and the countries who hold their women in bondage signed that pledge like everyone else when they joined the U.N. Why aren't they kicked out and shunned until they live up to their oath?
When human rights go disrespected, nothing is sacred, not the air we breathe, the water we drink, the earth we walk upon or the non-human creatures with whom we share these precious resources. These are the things that provide us with life itself, and like every human being, ought to be cherished, respected and treated with dignity, kindness and love. We violate these basic precepts of life every day. We shit where we eat. This is incomprehensible, especially considering that we have shown time and time again that wondrous things are within our power. By deeds great and small, we have transformed the world, doing and building some pretty magnificent things. Imagine what we could do if our heads weren't buried up our asses?
Imagine if no nation invaded another with armies? Imagine no man or woman hating another? Picture a world where every human has access to food, clean water, medical care and education. A world where no one poisons the water we drink or the air we breathe. A world where greed is not considered a virtue, but the destructive aggression it has always been. Where theft by the wealthy from the poor is unheard of. Where leadership is not bribed, corrupted or power mad, and nations trade in good faith on equal terms. Where no leader rises to power selling hatred, fear and mistrust. A world where opportunity is universal, and where achievement is celebrated, no matter who does the achieving. A world where our successes, and our burdens, are shared. Where individuals are free to be themselves and groups of people have nothing to fear from other groups of people.
Imagine people speaking to other nations, other ethnic groups or members of other religions with courtesy and respect. Imagine dignity and self-worth being the birthright it is supposed to be. This is not a lot to ask, and only what every human wants for themselves and their loved ones. Why would anyone deny these things to another? They are the same as yourself, and just as worthy of life and dignity. Being civil to one another would not prevent anyone from pursuing their dreams, from getting rich, from living according to their own lights. The Golden Rule is the answer: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. That simple ancient concept can change the course of history and relieve us from constantly wondering what went wrong. What the hell are we waiting for? Why are our heads up our asses?
You're thinking, how did we get in such a mess? You figure the world has been in worse shape before and somehow survived, like with World Wars, Hundred Years Wars, the Black Plague and having all our world leaders and assorted royalty dressing up in makeup, powdered wigs and musical theater costumes like it it was Mardi Gras all the time. Those things were pretty disappointing, especially the silly costumes and wigs. What was everybody thinking?"
Somehow the world recovered from these catastrophes and mankind moved on in the fits and starts that have marked our slow march out of our caves and hunting grounds into moon rockets and luxury condominiums (Are there any other kind of condos, like regular ones?). From running from giant predators to running water, from smoke signals to electricity, computers and cell phones, it's been quite a journey. We might have been a lot further along if not for all the warfare, genocide and tyranny. We have also poisoned our water, our land and our air and burned so much dirty fuel to power our new toys that we are now changing the climate of the planet, placing all of us in mortal peril. Two steps forward, one step back.
Not that it's all bad. People have done and continue to do wonderful and amazing things. We've been to the moon, cured polio, invented rock & roll and came together as a planet in The United Nations to declare the universal rights of all mankind. The human rights deal has been spotty at best, but we're working on it. The problem with that is, and always was, us. We seem to have our heads buried pretty far up our own asses, a position that makes it difficult to notice what selfish and paranoid jerks we've been. We hate and mistrust other people and nations for the stupidest of reasons, if indeed you can call hatred remotely reasonable.
We allow 36,000 people to die of starvation every single day, 85% of them children under 5 years old. That's over 11 million dead little children every year. Uncounted millions more join them in early graves due to the numerous diseases contracted from drinking contaminated water. We know better than this and can do better, but we don't. Why? Who knows, maybe out of sight, out of mind? Maybe we think it's someone else's problem? Or do we think the problem is too big to tackle and so throw our hands up and lament what a hard, hard world this can be?
That's not the attitude that defeated the genocidal fascists in World War 2 and put a man on the moon in 1969, two fairly monumental undertakings that were completed within a single decade. Isn't feeding dying children at least as pressing a priority? How about freeing the slaves in many Muslim countries? What slaves, you ask? Their women, of course, fully half their populations under house arrest, denied educations, jobs, drivers' licenses, property, life choices, freedom of movement, medical care and pretty much anything the majority other nations' women take for granted. The United Nations Declaration of Universal Human Rights exempts no one, and the countries who hold their women in bondage signed that pledge like everyone else when they joined the U.N. Why aren't they kicked out and shunned until they live up to their oath?
When human rights go disrespected, nothing is sacred, not the air we breathe, the water we drink, the earth we walk upon or the non-human creatures with whom we share these precious resources. These are the things that provide us with life itself, and like every human being, ought to be cherished, respected and treated with dignity, kindness and love. We violate these basic precepts of life every day. We shit where we eat. This is incomprehensible, especially considering that we have shown time and time again that wondrous things are within our power. By deeds great and small, we have transformed the world, doing and building some pretty magnificent things. Imagine what we could do if our heads weren't buried up our asses?
Imagine if no nation invaded another with armies? Imagine no man or woman hating another? Picture a world where every human has access to food, clean water, medical care and education. A world where no one poisons the water we drink or the air we breathe. A world where greed is not considered a virtue, but the destructive aggression it has always been. Where theft by the wealthy from the poor is unheard of. Where leadership is not bribed, corrupted or power mad, and nations trade in good faith on equal terms. Where no leader rises to power selling hatred, fear and mistrust. A world where opportunity is universal, and where achievement is celebrated, no matter who does the achieving. A world where our successes, and our burdens, are shared. Where individuals are free to be themselves and groups of people have nothing to fear from other groups of people.
Imagine people speaking to other nations, other ethnic groups or members of other religions with courtesy and respect. Imagine dignity and self-worth being the birthright it is supposed to be. This is not a lot to ask, and only what every human wants for themselves and their loved ones. Why would anyone deny these things to another? They are the same as yourself, and just as worthy of life and dignity. Being civil to one another would not prevent anyone from pursuing their dreams, from getting rich, from living according to their own lights. The Golden Rule is the answer: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. That simple ancient concept can change the course of history and relieve us from constantly wondering what went wrong. What the hell are we waiting for? Why are our heads up our asses?
March 9, 2010
BACK TO BACK SCIENCE DEBATES: SAMMY SCIENCE DISCUSSES THE MAGIC MAN IN THE SKY THEORY
Dear readers: Sammy Science here. It seems that our previous discussion of mankind's baby steps into space that has been going on since the late 1950s has provoked some pretty nutty responses. Since sociology and psychology are not my specialties, I can't say who's nuts any better than the next guy, but that should be sufficient. Most people are very well versed in the ins and outs of the human psyche, and pretty much anyone can tell a kook from a serious person. Let's look at the shitstorm we've unleashed with a spirited exchange of e-mails from two Creationists:
Dear Sammy Science: Are you or are you not a supporter of allowing science teachers in public schools the option to discuss Creationism alongside Darwinism? - Reverend Ray Bob
Dear Reverend Ray Bob: No, no I am not. Then it wouldn't be a science class anymore, would it?
Dear Sammy Science: It seems to me that in your last blog you intimated that man is evolving. My question is this: How can you go against the Holy Word of God in a public forum and not expect to be cast into the eternal damnation of Hell Fire? - Reverend Bobby Ray
Dear Reverend Bobby Ray: I'll take my chances.
Dear Sammy Science: That's no answer! How can we raise God-fearing children in an atmosphere that allows the likes of you to spread the lies of Darwinism and Global Warmingism? - Reverend Bobby Ray
Dear Reverend Bobby Ray: Global Warmingism? Are you sure you're a Reverend, sir? I was under the impression that an education was required in order to receive a degree in Divinity and the right be called Reverend. I've had more insightful and intelligent letters from small children. Do you dispute the theory of gravity too?
Dear Sammy Science: Some of us are called to the Lord's Word and need no book learning but the Holy Bible! - Reverend Ray Bob
Dear Reverend Ray Bob: Are you two clowns working together? As far as your status as Reverends, just be glad for your children's sake that there are no self-appointed doctors.
Dear Sammy Science: We home-school and home-doctor our children! - The Reverends Ray Bob and Bobby Ray
Dear Double Reverends: Then Darwin is correct and natural selection should weed out you and yours in only a few generations. Natural selection does not look kindly on nature's misfits.
Dear Sammy Science: Now you're calling good Christians misfits! We're not filthy Jews or Muslims or no towel head Hindoos, neither! What kind of American are you? - The Double Reverends
Dear Double Reverends: Hindoos? Wow. You people are crazy on so many levels it's hard to know where to begin. I'm guessing (hoping, really) that your respective congregations are very small. As far as the Bible goes, what about the love, peace and tolerance parts, sort of the whole idea of the thing? As far as being an American, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Who are you two clods to say that shit? You punks are small time hustlers cashing in on other people's faith, the same kind of power-mad racist assholes that Jesus Christ spent his life resisting.
Dear Sammy Science: Now you've done it! We command all God Fearing Loyal Christian Americans to hunt you down and make you repent! - The Double Reverends
Dear Double Reverends: Have I just had a Fatwah issued against me? Bring it on, Goobers!
Dear Sammy Science: A Fat what? Being fat is going to be the least of your worries when you answer for your blasphemy, spawn of the devil! - The Double Reverends
Dear Double Reverends: I want to thank you both, Reverend Ray Bob and Reverent Bobby Ray, for doing so much to advance the cause of science and to underscore the dangers of mixing religion with proven fact. You see, Reverends, science is what can be proven, and I believe you two have given the world of science some concrete evidence of unfit natural specimens on the fast track to extinction. Mind if we ear-tag you two, maybe fit you with a radio collar? You'll being doing science a favor to let us track you on your way to Dodo Bird Land.
While Darwinism has not been definitively proven to every human being, it has been accepted by enough of them and by the right people. The Magic Man In The Sky Theory, on the other hand, cannot be proven or even tested, and so does not qualify for being called a branch of science, and won't be taught in the science classrooms and laboratories of America anytime soon. You have the option to preach what you want since no religion is banned here, you just cannot preach it in the halls of government, and our public schools are government buildings bound by the laws of the land. In private forums, however, the sky's the limit for your fantasies and racist rages, so knock yourselves out.
Just don't get upset when no one takes you all that seriously or confuses you with the second coming of Christ. The rest of us are allowed to poke fun at you and can be just as skeptical of your hypocrisy and self-serving misinterpretation of scripture as you are of proven fact. When you are gone, we'll make a nice diorama if you in our museums, depicting Creationists in their natural habitat, right next to the Neanderthal and Cro Magnon Man displays. Meanwhile, the marriage of human knowledge and curiosity that is science will miss you, but not all that much. Maybe social scientists will mourn your passing, but then again, maybe not. It's sort of like having a stone in your show. You miss it when it is removed, but not for very long, and then you are relieved.
Dear Sammy Science: Are you or are you not a supporter of allowing science teachers in public schools the option to discuss Creationism alongside Darwinism? - Reverend Ray Bob
Dear Reverend Ray Bob: No, no I am not. Then it wouldn't be a science class anymore, would it?
Dear Sammy Science: It seems to me that in your last blog you intimated that man is evolving. My question is this: How can you go against the Holy Word of God in a public forum and not expect to be cast into the eternal damnation of Hell Fire? - Reverend Bobby Ray
Dear Reverend Bobby Ray: I'll take my chances.
Dear Sammy Science: That's no answer! How can we raise God-fearing children in an atmosphere that allows the likes of you to spread the lies of Darwinism and Global Warmingism? - Reverend Bobby Ray
Dear Reverend Bobby Ray: Global Warmingism? Are you sure you're a Reverend, sir? I was under the impression that an education was required in order to receive a degree in Divinity and the right be called Reverend. I've had more insightful and intelligent letters from small children. Do you dispute the theory of gravity too?
Dear Sammy Science: Some of us are called to the Lord's Word and need no book learning but the Holy Bible! - Reverend Ray Bob
Dear Reverend Ray Bob: Are you two clowns working together? As far as your status as Reverends, just be glad for your children's sake that there are no self-appointed doctors.
Dear Sammy Science: We home-school and home-doctor our children! - The Reverends Ray Bob and Bobby Ray
Dear Double Reverends: Then Darwin is correct and natural selection should weed out you and yours in only a few generations. Natural selection does not look kindly on nature's misfits.
Dear Sammy Science: Now you're calling good Christians misfits! We're not filthy Jews or Muslims or no towel head Hindoos, neither! What kind of American are you? - The Double Reverends
Dear Double Reverends: Hindoos? Wow. You people are crazy on so many levels it's hard to know where to begin. I'm guessing (hoping, really) that your respective congregations are very small. As far as the Bible goes, what about the love, peace and tolerance parts, sort of the whole idea of the thing? As far as being an American, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Who are you two clods to say that shit? You punks are small time hustlers cashing in on other people's faith, the same kind of power-mad racist assholes that Jesus Christ spent his life resisting.
Dear Sammy Science: Now you've done it! We command all God Fearing Loyal Christian Americans to hunt you down and make you repent! - The Double Reverends
Dear Double Reverends: Have I just had a Fatwah issued against me? Bring it on, Goobers!
Dear Sammy Science: A Fat what? Being fat is going to be the least of your worries when you answer for your blasphemy, spawn of the devil! - The Double Reverends
Dear Double Reverends: I want to thank you both, Reverend Ray Bob and Reverent Bobby Ray, for doing so much to advance the cause of science and to underscore the dangers of mixing religion with proven fact. You see, Reverends, science is what can be proven, and I believe you two have given the world of science some concrete evidence of unfit natural specimens on the fast track to extinction. Mind if we ear-tag you two, maybe fit you with a radio collar? You'll being doing science a favor to let us track you on your way to Dodo Bird Land.
While Darwinism has not been definitively proven to every human being, it has been accepted by enough of them and by the right people. The Magic Man In The Sky Theory, on the other hand, cannot be proven or even tested, and so does not qualify for being called a branch of science, and won't be taught in the science classrooms and laboratories of America anytime soon. You have the option to preach what you want since no religion is banned here, you just cannot preach it in the halls of government, and our public schools are government buildings bound by the laws of the land. In private forums, however, the sky's the limit for your fantasies and racist rages, so knock yourselves out.
Just don't get upset when no one takes you all that seriously or confuses you with the second coming of Christ. The rest of us are allowed to poke fun at you and can be just as skeptical of your hypocrisy and self-serving misinterpretation of scripture as you are of proven fact. When you are gone, we'll make a nice diorama if you in our museums, depicting Creationists in their natural habitat, right next to the Neanderthal and Cro Magnon Man displays. Meanwhile, the marriage of human knowledge and curiosity that is science will miss you, but not all that much. Maybe social scientists will mourn your passing, but then again, maybe not. It's sort of like having a stone in your show. You miss it when it is removed, but not for very long, and then you are relieved.
March 7, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 644
The people who live on the opposite side of the planet think it is you who lives on the bottom of the world. Just go about your business and pay them no mind, that's just the blood rushing to their heads.
SAMMY SCIENCE ON OUT OF PLANET EXPERIENCES
It's Sammy Science back in the house, answering your science questions as best I can. From what I gather from some of your letters and e-mails, I can see why America needs a huge upgrade in our general science awareness. President Obama is right when he says that science and technology education in America needs to be a priority. Throughout history, the civilizations that were the most scientifically and technologically advanced were the ones who flourished, while those who ignored the advances in these vital areas fell by the wayside. The dominance of Western industrialized nations these past several centuries was no accident, but a conscious effort to discover and exploit the secrets of the natural world in order to benefit both individuals and society as a whole.
Today the world is carved up roughly according to technological prowess, with the haves being on the cutting edge or progress, and the have-not nations beset with starvation, disease and poverty due to their lack of technological and scientific progress. This is not a judgement on the worth of any particular cultures or groups of people, merely hard facts, the stuff that science is made of. Truth does not care who does or does not believe it, it merely exists. We can recognize truth and act to make it work for our benefit, or dismiss it out of hand as being contrary to long-held beliefs. Denying the truth never made a bit of difference to the facts. They are what they are and that's that. Let's get to your letters:
Dear Sammy Science: My mother tells me that girls can't be good scientists and that I should study something else. My marks in all my science classes are the best in my school and I want to be a scientist when I grow up. She says the best I can do is to marry a scientist! What should I tell my mother? - Samantha from Little Rock
Dear Samantha: Your Mom ever hear of Marie Curie, the only person to win a Nobel Prize in two different branches of science? She also married a scientist, but other than the Curie family and the scientific community, not many people remember Pierre Curie, while the name Madame Curie is synonymous with great scientist. She and the 15 other females who won Nobel Prizes in the sciences didn't get them for baking cookies, making needlepoint or listening to the popular wisdom of the day. Popular wisdom is what scientists constantly revise. Tell mom about these women and follow your dream, Samantha.
Dear Sammy Science: I am Samantha's mother. How dare you advise her to follow her dream? I am her mother and I know best! She is to be a wife and a mother. Period! - Samantha's Mom
Dear Samantha's Mom: Damn, but doesn't this internet work swiftly! Well, Ma'am, it sounds like you've attained your dream. Unfortunately for your daughter, however, your dream is crushing the dreams of others. Too bad for the rest of us too. Perhaps Samantha would have be the one to finally cure cancer or diabetes. Looks like we'll never know if you get your way.
Dear Sammy Science: Can man really change the atmosphere and temperature of Mars and inhabit the Red Planet? How long would the process take? I'm ready now! - Hugo Ghurl
Dear Hugo Ghurl: Yes, yes we can. The process would take many centuries, first to free the frozen water, then seed the ground with simple lichens and mosses, leading eventually to more and more complex plants that will over time infuse the planet's atmosphere with the proper combination of oxygen and carbon dioxide so that we can breathe outdoors without artificial means. As far as the temperature, the thicker atmosphere will warm up the surface temperature to about that of Minnesota. It will be close to 1,000 years of living in sealed underground quarters and special suits before we can live unaided on Mars. Perhaps Hugo Ghurl the 50th will be able to live on Mars like we do on Earth, by which time mankind will probably have dozens of colonies on different planets and moons of nearby star systems.
Dear Sammy Science: It's me again. Will all this other-planet stuff change humans? - Hugo Ghurl
Dear Mr. Ghurl: This internet speed is getting spooky fast! Anyway, Hugo, humans will undoubtedly begin to exhibit various physiological changes on planets where there is a greater or lesser gravitational pull, where the length of days vary widely from our 24-hour cycle and a single trip around the sun could take hundreds of our own years. Think of the differences between the 4 known kinds of elephants on earth, the African, Indian, Sumatran and the Forest Elephant, with differences in the amount of toes, their physical size and the enhanced or diminished functions of various organs. Man is also a large complex mammal that will over time adapt physically to their surroundings but will basically still be recognizably human.
Dear Sammy Science: How about people developing a third eye? - Hugo
Dear Hugo: Enough, already! Gives someone else a chance.
Dear Sammy Science: When our space program really gets going, will we have big fleets of war ships and other really cool stuff like they do in Star Trek? - Roger Overnowt
Dear Roger Overnowt: Unfortunately, too many if us think weapons are "really cool," so undoubtedly mankind will venture to the stars armed to the teeth. What we won't see, however, is fiery and noisy explosions in the sterile wastes of frozen space. That only happens with an oxygen-rich atmosphere to support all those orange fireballs and carry the sounds of destruction. Out in space, the destruction will from be a range of thousands if not millions of kilometers, and will be silent and nearly invisible. As for all those tractor beams, laser swords and beaming people aboard, that makes for good entertainment but unrealistic science.
Space exploration and colonization will unfold like the evolutionary steps of any large species, over thousands and thousands of years, imperceptible to individual generations of humans. That doesn't make the concept of going to the stars any less exciting, but it won't be Captain Kirk, Luke Skywalker and Hollywood leading the way. It will be scientists, technicians and brave adventurers, like it's always been. Don't forget that 300 years ago New York City was a smallish town on the edge of an uncharted wilderness. Little by little it became the citiest of cities, and we're still building the place. As for our space program so far, our generation is witnessing the equivalent of building the first crude log cabin in Manhattan. The skyscrapers come later. We are the very first generation of human beings who are not earthbound. That's exciting.
Today the world is carved up roughly according to technological prowess, with the haves being on the cutting edge or progress, and the have-not nations beset with starvation, disease and poverty due to their lack of technological and scientific progress. This is not a judgement on the worth of any particular cultures or groups of people, merely hard facts, the stuff that science is made of. Truth does not care who does or does not believe it, it merely exists. We can recognize truth and act to make it work for our benefit, or dismiss it out of hand as being contrary to long-held beliefs. Denying the truth never made a bit of difference to the facts. They are what they are and that's that. Let's get to your letters:
Dear Sammy Science: My mother tells me that girls can't be good scientists and that I should study something else. My marks in all my science classes are the best in my school and I want to be a scientist when I grow up. She says the best I can do is to marry a scientist! What should I tell my mother? - Samantha from Little Rock
Dear Samantha: Your Mom ever hear of Marie Curie, the only person to win a Nobel Prize in two different branches of science? She also married a scientist, but other than the Curie family and the scientific community, not many people remember Pierre Curie, while the name Madame Curie is synonymous with great scientist. She and the 15 other females who won Nobel Prizes in the sciences didn't get them for baking cookies, making needlepoint or listening to the popular wisdom of the day. Popular wisdom is what scientists constantly revise. Tell mom about these women and follow your dream, Samantha.
Dear Sammy Science: I am Samantha's mother. How dare you advise her to follow her dream? I am her mother and I know best! She is to be a wife and a mother. Period! - Samantha's Mom
Dear Samantha's Mom: Damn, but doesn't this internet work swiftly! Well, Ma'am, it sounds like you've attained your dream. Unfortunately for your daughter, however, your dream is crushing the dreams of others. Too bad for the rest of us too. Perhaps Samantha would have be the one to finally cure cancer or diabetes. Looks like we'll never know if you get your way.
Dear Sammy Science: Can man really change the atmosphere and temperature of Mars and inhabit the Red Planet? How long would the process take? I'm ready now! - Hugo Ghurl
Dear Hugo Ghurl: Yes, yes we can. The process would take many centuries, first to free the frozen water, then seed the ground with simple lichens and mosses, leading eventually to more and more complex plants that will over time infuse the planet's atmosphere with the proper combination of oxygen and carbon dioxide so that we can breathe outdoors without artificial means. As far as the temperature, the thicker atmosphere will warm up the surface temperature to about that of Minnesota. It will be close to 1,000 years of living in sealed underground quarters and special suits before we can live unaided on Mars. Perhaps Hugo Ghurl the 50th will be able to live on Mars like we do on Earth, by which time mankind will probably have dozens of colonies on different planets and moons of nearby star systems.
Dear Sammy Science: It's me again. Will all this other-planet stuff change humans? - Hugo Ghurl
Dear Mr. Ghurl: This internet speed is getting spooky fast! Anyway, Hugo, humans will undoubtedly begin to exhibit various physiological changes on planets where there is a greater or lesser gravitational pull, where the length of days vary widely from our 24-hour cycle and a single trip around the sun could take hundreds of our own years. Think of the differences between the 4 known kinds of elephants on earth, the African, Indian, Sumatran and the Forest Elephant, with differences in the amount of toes, their physical size and the enhanced or diminished functions of various organs. Man is also a large complex mammal that will over time adapt physically to their surroundings but will basically still be recognizably human.
Dear Sammy Science: How about people developing a third eye? - Hugo
Dear Hugo: Enough, already! Gives someone else a chance.
Dear Sammy Science: When our space program really gets going, will we have big fleets of war ships and other really cool stuff like they do in Star Trek? - Roger Overnowt
Dear Roger Overnowt: Unfortunately, too many if us think weapons are "really cool," so undoubtedly mankind will venture to the stars armed to the teeth. What we won't see, however, is fiery and noisy explosions in the sterile wastes of frozen space. That only happens with an oxygen-rich atmosphere to support all those orange fireballs and carry the sounds of destruction. Out in space, the destruction will from be a range of thousands if not millions of kilometers, and will be silent and nearly invisible. As for all those tractor beams, laser swords and beaming people aboard, that makes for good entertainment but unrealistic science.
Space exploration and colonization will unfold like the evolutionary steps of any large species, over thousands and thousands of years, imperceptible to individual generations of humans. That doesn't make the concept of going to the stars any less exciting, but it won't be Captain Kirk, Luke Skywalker and Hollywood leading the way. It will be scientists, technicians and brave adventurers, like it's always been. Don't forget that 300 years ago New York City was a smallish town on the edge of an uncharted wilderness. Little by little it became the citiest of cities, and we're still building the place. As for our space program so far, our generation is witnessing the equivalent of building the first crude log cabin in Manhattan. The skyscrapers come later. We are the very first generation of human beings who are not earthbound. That's exciting.
March 6, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 643
Some people think the poor exist as useful reminders to their children to be frugal with their money. 4 billion reminders.
THE LIFE COACH PERSEVERES!
The Life Coach here, you there. Life has been very good for The Life Coach lately, very good indeed. My last round of Better Life Seminars were a great success, for me anyway, and that's the whole idea of my Better Life, Advanced Better Life and Platinum Better Life Seminars. Remember, Getting and Keeping is the goal, and I can teach you to became a Getter and a Keeper. For the 2,500 smart and lucky Life Achievers who just completed last week's introductory Better Life Seminar at only $300 a pop, the process has already begun!
What are you waiting for? Are you afraid you'll miss being a pathetic loser? Are you enjoying being a doormat too much to find another way? Maybe you think you can't be a Getter and Keeper, that you don't have what it takes. The hard truth is, you probably don't, and Life Coach doesn't need you at his seminars. I'm not in the business of making losers feel like winners, and whining moralists need not apply. Better Life Seminars are for those who want to win and don't care who approves!
Today's lesson is Perseverance. Perseverance is a mind set, an attitude that never relents and never wavers from the constant pursuit of accumulation of wealth and all it can bring you. Your new motto will be Money Does Buy Happiness. Only a loser would tell you otherwise, while the shrewd Getter and Keeper seeks opportunities for material gain every day! Let the losers of this world wring their hands and shed crocodile tears for the poor and the needy. The poor and the needy are poor and needy because they lack the will to take what they want only because they want it, not because it would be nice to have, or it would come in handy, or because they "deserve it."
Deserving has nothing to do with it. If it did, nobody would be poor, very few would be rich, and it wouldn't be half the fun. But this world is what it is, and bold, raw persistence beats deserving every time. A Life Achiever is Persistent. A Life Achiever is Relentless. A Life Achiever is rich, and the vast majority of other people are not. As discussed earlier in this space, other people do not matter except for what they can do for you or get for you, and their lives and feelings are none of your concern. It really is all about you! While The Life Coach Better Life System is not exactly as simple as all that, at my Better Life, Advanced Better Life and Platinum Better Life Seminars you will learn the nuts and bolts of getting rich, staying rich and getting even richer. Your first Better Life Seminar gets you started, gives you the tools you need to take, take and take some more!
When you develop a taste for caviar, you're ready for The Advanced Better Life Seminar, where, for only $1,000, the finer points of acquisition, finance, leverage and profiteering are laid out for those who wish to distinguish themselves from the pack, to become an Advanced Life Achiever, a man of means and knowhow, on the fast track to your second million. Advanced Life Achievers are confident, relaxed and focused, live as they please, enjoy the finer things in life, and the company of many attractive lovers.
After mastering being an Advanced Life Achiever, those who would walk among the giants and join the tiny elite fraternity of Master Accumulators, these are the people who attend the Platinum Better Life Seminar, the final plateau in the Life Coach Better Life System. Platinum graduates gladly pay $10,000 for the keys to attaining incredible, wealth, luxury, travel, jewels, fine art, multiple mansions, private aircraft, mistresses on every continent and a staff of shameless ass kissers doing their bidding.
A Master Accumulator is basically a rich man's rich man, the fastest yacht in the harbor, the biggest, shiniest diamond on display. Get started today on the Road To A Better Life Through Accumulation. Call 1-(800)-NUMBER 1 and learn more about The Life Coach Better Life System. Remember, your life gets better when you start looking out for #1 first, last and in between, so do something just for yourself right now only because there is something in it for you! You will learn that there is no other reason to lift a finger, ever. Have you been asking "Where's Mine?" The Life Coach will show you where it's at.
What are you waiting for? Are you afraid you'll miss being a pathetic loser? Are you enjoying being a doormat too much to find another way? Maybe you think you can't be a Getter and Keeper, that you don't have what it takes. The hard truth is, you probably don't, and Life Coach doesn't need you at his seminars. I'm not in the business of making losers feel like winners, and whining moralists need not apply. Better Life Seminars are for those who want to win and don't care who approves!
Today's lesson is Perseverance. Perseverance is a mind set, an attitude that never relents and never wavers from the constant pursuit of accumulation of wealth and all it can bring you. Your new motto will be Money Does Buy Happiness. Only a loser would tell you otherwise, while the shrewd Getter and Keeper seeks opportunities for material gain every day! Let the losers of this world wring their hands and shed crocodile tears for the poor and the needy. The poor and the needy are poor and needy because they lack the will to take what they want only because they want it, not because it would be nice to have, or it would come in handy, or because they "deserve it."
Deserving has nothing to do with it. If it did, nobody would be poor, very few would be rich, and it wouldn't be half the fun. But this world is what it is, and bold, raw persistence beats deserving every time. A Life Achiever is Persistent. A Life Achiever is Relentless. A Life Achiever is rich, and the vast majority of other people are not. As discussed earlier in this space, other people do not matter except for what they can do for you or get for you, and their lives and feelings are none of your concern. It really is all about you! While The Life Coach Better Life System is not exactly as simple as all that, at my Better Life, Advanced Better Life and Platinum Better Life Seminars you will learn the nuts and bolts of getting rich, staying rich and getting even richer. Your first Better Life Seminar gets you started, gives you the tools you need to take, take and take some more!
When you develop a taste for caviar, you're ready for The Advanced Better Life Seminar, where, for only $1,000, the finer points of acquisition, finance, leverage and profiteering are laid out for those who wish to distinguish themselves from the pack, to become an Advanced Life Achiever, a man of means and knowhow, on the fast track to your second million. Advanced Life Achievers are confident, relaxed and focused, live as they please, enjoy the finer things in life, and the company of many attractive lovers.
After mastering being an Advanced Life Achiever, those who would walk among the giants and join the tiny elite fraternity of Master Accumulators, these are the people who attend the Platinum Better Life Seminar, the final plateau in the Life Coach Better Life System. Platinum graduates gladly pay $10,000 for the keys to attaining incredible, wealth, luxury, travel, jewels, fine art, multiple mansions, private aircraft, mistresses on every continent and a staff of shameless ass kissers doing their bidding.
A Master Accumulator is basically a rich man's rich man, the fastest yacht in the harbor, the biggest, shiniest diamond on display. Get started today on the Road To A Better Life Through Accumulation. Call 1-(800)-NUMBER 1 and learn more about The Life Coach Better Life System. Remember, your life gets better when you start looking out for #1 first, last and in between, so do something just for yourself right now only because there is something in it for you! You will learn that there is no other reason to lift a finger, ever. Have you been asking "Where's Mine?" The Life Coach will show you where it's at.
March 5, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 642
Consistency beats intermittent brilliance, but not always. Shooting stars happen.
THE NEW CHINESE ETHICS CODE
For the first time in 13 years, the Chinese Communist Party has issued a new ethics code. Apparently the universally proclaimed (by communists, anyway) superior virtue of just being a communist needs periodic reinforcement. The founder of Chinese Communism, The Great Helmsman himself, Mao Zedong, was always revising his list of dos and don'ts for his fellow Chinese, most notoriously by starting the Culturual Revolution 23 years after his Regular Revolution secured him undisputed power. Mao was seriously addicted to revolution, murder and rule making, so in 1966 he started the Cultural Revolution that was a perfect combination of his three passions and resulted in millions and millions of deaths of people who weren't even his enemies. And yet somehow this monstrous butcher gets to be remembered as some kind of cuddly old Grandfather of His Country.
The current regime is a bunch of button-down capitalists who are communists in name only, a curious combination of good old fashioned police state dictators and robber barons, the first generation of Chinese leaders who did not participate in the revolution of 1927 to 1949. Now that those Communist puritan founding fathers and grandfathers are safely dead and the government no longer makes war on their own citizens, communism is pretty much what these commu-capitalist tyrants says it is. There are no more expensive and futile efforts to remake humanity into some sort of ideal beings working for the common good, and their disastrous 5 Year Plans are also history. And instead of implying what is wright and wrong and showing people the errors of their ways by killing them when they don't take the hint, the new Chinese dictators, in line with their corporate leanings, issue detailed directives spelling it all out. Consider these puzzling new rules for Chinese Communists:
No Communist Party official shall endanger profits.
Copyrights and Patents are decadent Western concepts.
In order to ensure that our comrades' mail is delevered perfectly, all personal communications, both electronic and traditional, will be thoroughly inspected for spelling errors by party officials.
Foreign journalists working in China will be granted the privelege of having their stories and reports improved by officials at the People's Better Writing Bureau.
Members of Opposition Political Parties and Movements will be given the opportunity to pursue increased physical stamina and personal discipline at The People's Sleep-Away Camps For Grownups.
Effective immediately, all technical support representatives dealing with America customers will henceforth use the only the names Betsy or Butch. This will simplify the process and gain the trust of the American Running Dogs of Socialism.
All good Communists will henceforth read the Little Green Book, a collection of the wisdom of Warren Buffett on international markets, value investing, aggressive accumulation and how to create a state-sanctioned monopoly.
In order to eliminate corruption in the Worker's Paradise, any rewards paid to Party Officials by corporations for favorable treatment will be called "incentive bonuses" and "stock options."
All references to the "incident" in Tiananmen Square in 1989 will be henceforth referred to as "The Tiananmen Square People's Disco Bash."
History books will be amended to reflect the desire of the Tibetan people to be liberated from the ruthless tyranny of the Dalai Lama and his barefoot monks.
An area of The People's Republic the size of Pennsylvania called the "Former Lead Battery Capital of The World" has been closed for repairs for the remainder of the millennium. The New Lead Battery Capital of The World is being constructed by The People's Buddhist Monk Volunteers Brigade in Lhasa, the capital of Tibet.
In an effort to allay the fears of citizens in the so-called "earth-quake alley" of northern China, all new construction of dams and nuclear power plants shall be built on top of a 12-foot foundation of shock-resistant and water-absorbent Sham Wow Super Absorbent Wipes to soak up any floodwaters and nuclear waste material in the event of another earthquake, which will be wrung out afterwards by The People's Buddhist Monk Volunteers Brigade.
With China now having the largest number of people in the world who speak English, the People's Republic has commissioned a Linguistics Conference to do something about the letters R and L. Until such time as a satisfactory resolution is reached, no Chinese shall use the words "inscrutable," "lollipop" or "irregular" unless absorutery necellaly.
The current regime is a bunch of button-down capitalists who are communists in name only, a curious combination of good old fashioned police state dictators and robber barons, the first generation of Chinese leaders who did not participate in the revolution of 1927 to 1949. Now that those Communist puritan founding fathers and grandfathers are safely dead and the government no longer makes war on their own citizens, communism is pretty much what these commu-capitalist tyrants says it is. There are no more expensive and futile efforts to remake humanity into some sort of ideal beings working for the common good, and their disastrous 5 Year Plans are also history. And instead of implying what is wright and wrong and showing people the errors of their ways by killing them when they don't take the hint, the new Chinese dictators, in line with their corporate leanings, issue detailed directives spelling it all out. Consider these puzzling new rules for Chinese Communists:
No Communist Party official shall endanger profits.
Copyrights and Patents are decadent Western concepts.
In order to ensure that our comrades' mail is delevered perfectly, all personal communications, both electronic and traditional, will be thoroughly inspected for spelling errors by party officials.
Foreign journalists working in China will be granted the privelege of having their stories and reports improved by officials at the People's Better Writing Bureau.
Members of Opposition Political Parties and Movements will be given the opportunity to pursue increased physical stamina and personal discipline at The People's Sleep-Away Camps For Grownups.
Effective immediately, all technical support representatives dealing with America customers will henceforth use the only the names Betsy or Butch. This will simplify the process and gain the trust of the American Running Dogs of Socialism.
All good Communists will henceforth read the Little Green Book, a collection of the wisdom of Warren Buffett on international markets, value investing, aggressive accumulation and how to create a state-sanctioned monopoly.
In order to eliminate corruption in the Worker's Paradise, any rewards paid to Party Officials by corporations for favorable treatment will be called "incentive bonuses" and "stock options."
All references to the "incident" in Tiananmen Square in 1989 will be henceforth referred to as "The Tiananmen Square People's Disco Bash."
History books will be amended to reflect the desire of the Tibetan people to be liberated from the ruthless tyranny of the Dalai Lama and his barefoot monks.
An area of The People's Republic the size of Pennsylvania called the "Former Lead Battery Capital of The World" has been closed for repairs for the remainder of the millennium. The New Lead Battery Capital of The World is being constructed by The People's Buddhist Monk Volunteers Brigade in Lhasa, the capital of Tibet.
In an effort to allay the fears of citizens in the so-called "earth-quake alley" of northern China, all new construction of dams and nuclear power plants shall be built on top of a 12-foot foundation of shock-resistant and water-absorbent Sham Wow Super Absorbent Wipes to soak up any floodwaters and nuclear waste material in the event of another earthquake, which will be wrung out afterwards by The People's Buddhist Monk Volunteers Brigade.
With China now having the largest number of people in the world who speak English, the People's Republic has commissioned a Linguistics Conference to do something about the letters R and L. Until such time as a satisfactory resolution is reached, no Chinese shall use the words "inscrutable," "lollipop" or "irregular" unless absorutery necellaly.
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