February 22, 2011
DOPOTO REPORTS: DEMOCRACY TAKING WING. CAN NEW YORK CITY BE FAR BEHIND?
At the Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO), researchers and senior analysts alike have been immersed in the exciting developments in the Middle East. First Tunisians ousted their government, followed swiftly by Egypt, which overthrew 30 years of Hosni Mubarek's oppressive dictatorship in just 18 peaceful days. Now the nations of Bahrain, Iran, Algeria, Libya and Yemen have seen their authoritarian governments rocked by mass demonstrations demanding, of all things, democracy.
Many so-called "experts" and observers in the West have long held the elitist opinion that Arabs and Muslims were "not ready" for democracy, the implication being that they are all tribal nomads with fealty only to their traditional warlords and chieftains. This is a widely held opinion in spite of the fact that during the Middle Ages, North Africa under Islam was the global center of medicine, science, scholarship, architecture, literature, philosophy, tolerance and multiculturalism, while Europe was mired in filth, plague, perpetual warfare, ignorance, fear, superstition, hatred and intolerance.
While the West has gained acendency since those halcyon days for Semitic Culture, during the Middle Ages it was the East that boasted the important centers of learning and scholarship, and the West that was amputating perfectly good limbs with dirty tools, fouling their cities with their own waste and burning their brothers and sisters at the stake for pointing out obvious truths. So let us not claim any intellectual or moral high ground on our Middle Eastern brethren.
The fact that today our societies are more technologically advanced as well as being more workable and equitable to its citizens than Eastern nations is only a recent historical development, a situation that could change in a matter of a few short years. Ask the German or the Japanese people how they squandered centuries of hard work and achievement by following madmen to their nations' near annihilation, their beautiful cities turned in to piles of smoking ruble. No Middle Eastern Nation ever caused the world a fraction of the death and destruction that European and Asian Fascism caused in a dozen insane years only 70 years ago.
The citizens of the Middle East have endued centuries of conquest, hostility, oppression and exploitation at the hands of Western Colonial Powers, with even many of the borders and ethnic makeups of their nations determined by foreign empires. The leaders left in charge when World War 2 finally put an end to Colonialism were also, for the most part, hand-picked by their former colonial masters; ruthless despots who would "keep them in line" while western corporations continued their business-as-usual of siphoning off the lion's share of these nation's national wealth.
Is it any wonder that radicalism and anti-westen sentiment took root in many of these countries? Being robbed from within by greedy tyrants and from without by rapacious corporate interests, little money was left for education and government services. Before many generations passed, a great many of the poorer citizens of such nations had regressed into the the same ignorant superstition and unreasonable hatred that had plagued Europe's population of preceding centuries.
No al Qaeda, Hamas or any other terrorist group could succeed in attracting recruits from nations that were enjoying freedom, prosperity and equality in human rights, and whose nations were in control of their own natural resources. In an almost visceral understanding of this self-perpetuating predicament, the masses of the Middle East seem to have risen as one and said "Enough!" Starting in Tunisia and cemented by the stunning peaceful victory in Egypt, a popular revolution is sweeping the Middle East.
Western civilization has been taken aback by all this, and predictions of disaster are rampant. Too many Western leaders and "Middle East Experts" are of the opinion that Western powers should be directing this revolution and picking its leaders, just like we did when Colonialism disappeared in name only. They miss the obvious point that their meddling and domination were a huge factor in the shaping of these societies' recent histories, that this is the true end of Colonialism, where the people of the Middle East pursue self-deternimination in a way they see fit, not what is allowed them by their patronizing overseers both foreign and domestic.
The West should be complimented rather than appalled by this popular revolution. The form of government being demanded by the demonstrators is, after all, Western-style representative democracy, a form of government whose foreign policy operatives had withheld from Middle Easterners as being "too advanced" for them. Well, guess again, and people here in New York City are watching events in the Middle East very carefully, hoping that this international push for Democracy will free New Yorkers from 115 years of tyrannical one-man rule.
This group of American citizens has long been considered "unfit" for self rule and have seen their hopes for democracy dashed again and again by one megalomaniacal mayor after another unwilling to share power with a legislative branch of government. One result has been that the New York City Court system has become the de-facto legislative branch by fielding challenges to the many autocratic and unconstitutional fiats dictated by our Strongman mayors, setting the dangerous precedent of the usurpation of legislative functions by New York City judges, a job for which they are unsuited, and not elected to perform.
New York City is one of the last places in America where representative democracy is not practiced. While citizens can vote for Mayor and members of the City Council ever since the 5 boroughs incorporated into a single city in 1896, the City Council has no power and each new mayor exercises absolute power over 8 million citizens, more people than reside in Bahrain and Libya combined. Perhaps this Democracy Fever will sweep across the Atlantic and free New Yorkers of taxation without representation, finally completing the American Revolution has been the inspiration for liberation movements everywhere for 235 years.
This was a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious.
Many so-called "experts" and observers in the West have long held the elitist opinion that Arabs and Muslims were "not ready" for democracy, the implication being that they are all tribal nomads with fealty only to their traditional warlords and chieftains. This is a widely held opinion in spite of the fact that during the Middle Ages, North Africa under Islam was the global center of medicine, science, scholarship, architecture, literature, philosophy, tolerance and multiculturalism, while Europe was mired in filth, plague, perpetual warfare, ignorance, fear, superstition, hatred and intolerance.
While the West has gained acendency since those halcyon days for Semitic Culture, during the Middle Ages it was the East that boasted the important centers of learning and scholarship, and the West that was amputating perfectly good limbs with dirty tools, fouling their cities with their own waste and burning their brothers and sisters at the stake for pointing out obvious truths. So let us not claim any intellectual or moral high ground on our Middle Eastern brethren.
The fact that today our societies are more technologically advanced as well as being more workable and equitable to its citizens than Eastern nations is only a recent historical development, a situation that could change in a matter of a few short years. Ask the German or the Japanese people how they squandered centuries of hard work and achievement by following madmen to their nations' near annihilation, their beautiful cities turned in to piles of smoking ruble. No Middle Eastern Nation ever caused the world a fraction of the death and destruction that European and Asian Fascism caused in a dozen insane years only 70 years ago.
The citizens of the Middle East have endued centuries of conquest, hostility, oppression and exploitation at the hands of Western Colonial Powers, with even many of the borders and ethnic makeups of their nations determined by foreign empires. The leaders left in charge when World War 2 finally put an end to Colonialism were also, for the most part, hand-picked by their former colonial masters; ruthless despots who would "keep them in line" while western corporations continued their business-as-usual of siphoning off the lion's share of these nation's national wealth.
Is it any wonder that radicalism and anti-westen sentiment took root in many of these countries? Being robbed from within by greedy tyrants and from without by rapacious corporate interests, little money was left for education and government services. Before many generations passed, a great many of the poorer citizens of such nations had regressed into the the same ignorant superstition and unreasonable hatred that had plagued Europe's population of preceding centuries.
No al Qaeda, Hamas or any other terrorist group could succeed in attracting recruits from nations that were enjoying freedom, prosperity and equality in human rights, and whose nations were in control of their own natural resources. In an almost visceral understanding of this self-perpetuating predicament, the masses of the Middle East seem to have risen as one and said "Enough!" Starting in Tunisia and cemented by the stunning peaceful victory in Egypt, a popular revolution is sweeping the Middle East.
Western civilization has been taken aback by all this, and predictions of disaster are rampant. Too many Western leaders and "Middle East Experts" are of the opinion that Western powers should be directing this revolution and picking its leaders, just like we did when Colonialism disappeared in name only. They miss the obvious point that their meddling and domination were a huge factor in the shaping of these societies' recent histories, that this is the true end of Colonialism, where the people of the Middle East pursue self-deternimination in a way they see fit, not what is allowed them by their patronizing overseers both foreign and domestic.
The West should be complimented rather than appalled by this popular revolution. The form of government being demanded by the demonstrators is, after all, Western-style representative democracy, a form of government whose foreign policy operatives had withheld from Middle Easterners as being "too advanced" for them. Well, guess again, and people here in New York City are watching events in the Middle East very carefully, hoping that this international push for Democracy will free New Yorkers from 115 years of tyrannical one-man rule.
This group of American citizens has long been considered "unfit" for self rule and have seen their hopes for democracy dashed again and again by one megalomaniacal mayor after another unwilling to share power with a legislative branch of government. One result has been that the New York City Court system has become the de-facto legislative branch by fielding challenges to the many autocratic and unconstitutional fiats dictated by our Strongman mayors, setting the dangerous precedent of the usurpation of legislative functions by New York City judges, a job for which they are unsuited, and not elected to perform.
New York City is one of the last places in America where representative democracy is not practiced. While citizens can vote for Mayor and members of the City Council ever since the 5 boroughs incorporated into a single city in 1896, the City Council has no power and each new mayor exercises absolute power over 8 million citizens, more people than reside in Bahrain and Libya combined. Perhaps this Democracy Fever will sweep across the Atlantic and free New Yorkers of taxation without representation, finally completing the American Revolution has been the inspiration for liberation movements everywhere for 235 years.
This was a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious.
February 21, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 773
The only conspiracy you need to worry about is that of life itself, which is slowly bringing about your own demise. Grab all the love and all the fun you possibly can before your number is up.
WICKEDLEAK RETURNS WITH MILD INSINUATIONS!
Tallyrand D'Antione of Wickedleak here, as always reporting from an undisclosed location. Here at wickedleak.net we are determined to show solidarity with Julian Assange, facing extradition to Sweden, where he will face a secret tribunal of Viking Chieftains on sex charges. Since the authorities have managed to shut down Assange's Wikileaks for the time being, Wickedleak takes up the banner with the following earth-shattering revelations that some people would rather not be made public:
The President of The United States of America, Barack Obama, in a direct snub to his African-American brethren, smokes non-menthol cigarettes. What message is this man of mixed-race trying to send?
Executives at Bank of America held a hot dog-eating contest at their annual company picnic, but not with their own hot dogs, with the winner being the one who could eat the most hot dogs from other people's tables. The company wrote the whole thing off as a training seminar.
The owners of Saudi Arabia, Inc., The Saudi Royal Family, has but a tenuous claim to the throne. Documents in our possession reveal that incumbent Saudi King Abdullah won the title in a high-stakes game of Naked Twister from the rightful heir to the throne.
Jay Leno is secretly campaigning to have Conan O'Brien fired from his new Cable TV show. Wickedleak has come into possession of an audio-taped conversation where Mr. Leno admits his reasons: "Just to fuck with that punk-ass little shit's head even more! He's finished in this town, you hear me? I'm Jay fucking Leno, dammit! He's finished!"
Wickedleak has uncovered documented evidence that powerful United States Congressman Barney Frank is a practicing homosexual. When confronted with irrefutable evidence by Wickedleak operatives, Mr. Frank made this statement: "♫Helllooo--oo!♪"
Wickedleak reminds you that with the recent (forced?) retirements of Regis Philbin, Mike Wallace and Larry King, that Andy Rooney of CBS Television's "60 Minutes" is now the only TV personality that did not grow up watching television, and there will never be another. Conspiracy, or that tired old "Father Time" explanation that the powers-that-be a-would have you believe?
The Roman Catholic Church has long resisted demands by the faithful for financial transparency. Wickedleak has come into possession of documents that may shed some light on annual expenses at the Vatican. Pope Benedict's costume and dry cleaning budget in fiscal year 2010 was in excess of €3 million ($4.086 million U.S.), with his pointy hat bill alone amounting to nearly $1,350,000!
Wickedleak has been in receipt (from an anonymous donor) of sensational information about the new American political party, the Tea Party. An insider has provided Wickedleak with detailed proof that there is no platform, no mission statement and no political think tanks being convened to formulate practical solutions to the tough problems. One Tea Party powerhouse explained: "We let our anger do our talking and our thinking. The American people relate to that, and deserve better than the stale old 'let's-fix-things-together-as-one-nation' policies of the Obama administration."
Documents uncovered by Wickedleak have confirmed the long-rumored existence of a very large nation to the north of the United States of America. This country has been identified as "Canada," and very little is known about it since almost no news of its inner workings reaches the outside world. It is thought to be a Theocracy, with their state religion having something to do with the Queen of England, the leaves of maple trees, red tunics with brass buttons and ice fishing. So far Canada has had nothing to say one way or the other, to the surprise of no one.
The Chinese government has attempted on a number of occasions to hack into Wickedleak.net in order to discover any damaging leaked documents about Chinese financial dealings, but the cyber-attacks was repelled by our alert Indian tech support people, who knew something was up when the Chinese hackers didn't know Mrs. D'Antoine's maiden name. The joke is on them since no one here at Wickedleak can read Cantonese and so it's unclear if we're sitting on dangerous secrets or shredded pork recipes.
Wickedleak investigations of corruption and incompetence at The United Nations and their abysmal record of never having solved any problem anywhere ever, have prompted that organization to appoint a committee to study the feasibility of convening a panel that will make non-binding recommendations regarding the eventual formation of a permanent committee that will decide whether or not to form an investigative unit to find out who leaked the dirt to Wickedleak. The whole process should take about a decade.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has asked Wickedleak to help him show his innocence of charges that he paid a 17 year-old prostitute for sex with documents in our possession that prove that he bought the girl fair and square from Ukranian human traffickers and thus should not be held accountable for violating his own property. Well, as it turns out, Wickedleak did indeed have a copy of that bill of sale and it looked pretty legit and straightforward so we forwarded it to Mr. Berlusconi's defense team so he could prove clear title of ownership of the girl in question.
Monsanto Corporation has been threatening Wickedleak with starvation if we do not cease and desist releasing documents critical of the giant genetically-altered seed company. Lawyers for Monsanto have pointed out that Monsanto now owns the rights to every food crop in the world, and by extension, every domestic animal raised on their crops, and can say who is and is not allowed to eat their food. Our own lawyers confirmed this is indeed the case and so we surrendered the incriminating documents to Monsanto. Hey, Crusaders have to eat too!
This has been another earth-shaking report from Wickedleak,net. Look to these pages for further reports from yet another undisclosed location. Until then, this is Tallyrand D'Antoine signing off.
The President of The United States of America, Barack Obama, in a direct snub to his African-American brethren, smokes non-menthol cigarettes. What message is this man of mixed-race trying to send?
Executives at Bank of America held a hot dog-eating contest at their annual company picnic, but not with their own hot dogs, with the winner being the one who could eat the most hot dogs from other people's tables. The company wrote the whole thing off as a training seminar.
The owners of Saudi Arabia, Inc., The Saudi Royal Family, has but a tenuous claim to the throne. Documents in our possession reveal that incumbent Saudi King Abdullah won the title in a high-stakes game of Naked Twister from the rightful heir to the throne.
Jay Leno is secretly campaigning to have Conan O'Brien fired from his new Cable TV show. Wickedleak has come into possession of an audio-taped conversation where Mr. Leno admits his reasons: "Just to fuck with that punk-ass little shit's head even more! He's finished in this town, you hear me? I'm Jay fucking Leno, dammit! He's finished!"
Wickedleak has uncovered documented evidence that powerful United States Congressman Barney Frank is a practicing homosexual. When confronted with irrefutable evidence by Wickedleak operatives, Mr. Frank made this statement: "♫Helllooo--oo!♪"
Wickedleak reminds you that with the recent (forced?) retirements of Regis Philbin, Mike Wallace and Larry King, that Andy Rooney of CBS Television's "60 Minutes" is now the only TV personality that did not grow up watching television, and there will never be another. Conspiracy, or that tired old "Father Time" explanation that the powers-that-be a-would have you believe?
The Roman Catholic Church has long resisted demands by the faithful for financial transparency. Wickedleak has come into possession of documents that may shed some light on annual expenses at the Vatican. Pope Benedict's costume and dry cleaning budget in fiscal year 2010 was in excess of €3 million ($4.086 million U.S.), with his pointy hat bill alone amounting to nearly $1,350,000!
Wickedleak has been in receipt (from an anonymous donor) of sensational information about the new American political party, the Tea Party. An insider has provided Wickedleak with detailed proof that there is no platform, no mission statement and no political think tanks being convened to formulate practical solutions to the tough problems. One Tea Party powerhouse explained: "We let our anger do our talking and our thinking. The American people relate to that, and deserve better than the stale old 'let's-fix-things-together-as-one-nation' policies of the Obama administration."
Documents uncovered by Wickedleak have confirmed the long-rumored existence of a very large nation to the north of the United States of America. This country has been identified as "Canada," and very little is known about it since almost no news of its inner workings reaches the outside world. It is thought to be a Theocracy, with their state religion having something to do with the Queen of England, the leaves of maple trees, red tunics with brass buttons and ice fishing. So far Canada has had nothing to say one way or the other, to the surprise of no one.
The Chinese government has attempted on a number of occasions to hack into Wickedleak.net in order to discover any damaging leaked documents about Chinese financial dealings, but the cyber-attacks was repelled by our alert Indian tech support people, who knew something was up when the Chinese hackers didn't know Mrs. D'Antoine's maiden name. The joke is on them since no one here at Wickedleak can read Cantonese and so it's unclear if we're sitting on dangerous secrets or shredded pork recipes.
Wickedleak investigations of corruption and incompetence at The United Nations and their abysmal record of never having solved any problem anywhere ever, have prompted that organization to appoint a committee to study the feasibility of convening a panel that will make non-binding recommendations regarding the eventual formation of a permanent committee that will decide whether or not to form an investigative unit to find out who leaked the dirt to Wickedleak. The whole process should take about a decade.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has asked Wickedleak to help him show his innocence of charges that he paid a 17 year-old prostitute for sex with documents in our possession that prove that he bought the girl fair and square from Ukranian human traffickers and thus should not be held accountable for violating his own property. Well, as it turns out, Wickedleak did indeed have a copy of that bill of sale and it looked pretty legit and straightforward so we forwarded it to Mr. Berlusconi's defense team so he could prove clear title of ownership of the girl in question.
Monsanto Corporation has been threatening Wickedleak with starvation if we do not cease and desist releasing documents critical of the giant genetically-altered seed company. Lawyers for Monsanto have pointed out that Monsanto now owns the rights to every food crop in the world, and by extension, every domestic animal raised on their crops, and can say who is and is not allowed to eat their food. Our own lawyers confirmed this is indeed the case and so we surrendered the incriminating documents to Monsanto. Hey, Crusaders have to eat too!
This has been another earth-shaking report from Wickedleak,net. Look to these pages for further reports from yet another undisclosed location. Until then, this is Tallyrand D'Antoine signing off.
February 18, 2011
THE ANSWER MAN HANDLES THE TOUGH QUESTIONS!
It's Answer Man Time Again, people! You know the drill, you ask questions and the Answer Man Answers them. Remember, questions only!
Dear Answer Man: Is it true that toilets and sinks drain in the opposite direction on the other side of the world? - Yuri Nidyet
Dear Yuri Nidyet: Yes. Next!
Dear Answer Man: You didn't tell him why! - Nan Compoop
Dear Nan Compoop: Sorry, there's no question here. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Will Egypt's revolution spread to other Middle East nations? - Ernesto Godliness
Dear Ernesto Godliness: Put it this way, Ernesto: how long would it take for a bunch of Manson-eyed creeps in robes who constantly tell everybody what worthless pieces of crap they are and try to talk your favorite nephew into blowing himself to smithereens to get on your nerves in a big way? So, the answer is yes, yes it will spread throughout the region. Next!
Dear Answer Man: How did you get to be so smart? - Justin Case
Dear Justin Case: I'll answer this one with a little parable: Two men, Tom and Teddy, were hiking in the woods when they encountered a giant hungry Grizzly Bear. Immediately Tom start to run away with Teddy on his heels and the Grizzly right behind them. Teddy breathlessly informs Tom that there's no way they can outrun the Grizzly Bear, to which Tom replies: "I know that Teddy, which is why I only have to outrun you!" Here's a clue, Justin: you're Teddy, I'm Tom. Next!
Dear Answer Man: I don't get it! - Justin Case.
Dear Justin Case: Bingo! And on such as yourself sir, is Answer Man's fortune made. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Scientists have determined that bees are not aerodynamically sound. How do they fly, then? - Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: If you don't tell the bees, I won't either. Next!
Dear Answer Man: But that's no answer, you blowhard phony! - Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: I'm sorry, Jerry, but you must submit your posts in the form of a question. Next!
Dear Answer Man: What's with that Jerry dude, A.M.? Seems a bit uptight. - Barbados Slim
Dear Barbados Slim: He's apparently a guy who doesn't keep up with the latest science journals and is thus unaware of new studies explaining that the incredible speed and complex design of bees' wings overcomes any inherent body-design deficiencies in aerodynamic drag and lift. Go figure. Next!
Dear Answer Man: No fair! - Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: You need not thank me now for teaching you this important life lesson, Jerry, but one day you'll realize that Answer Man is right, life is really not fair.
Dear Answer Man: The Moon is moving away from the earth at the rate of about one inch per year. Where is the Moon going in not-such-a-hurry? - Carrie Miebach
Dear Carrie Miebach: The Moon is going nowhere slow, but still finding it's permanent orbit around the earth. You see, Carrie, the moon used to be a part of Planet Earth, our Pacific flank, as it were, before there was a Pacific Ocean. Then a chuck of cosmic debris the size of Africa crashed into the planet, and one result was the moon separating and flying off into space, spinning around to become a globular mass and, although it has stopped spinning and we see only one side of it, it is still on that journey hundreds of millions of years later, but Earth's gravity will never allow it to fully leave our orbit. It may look a drop smaller when it finally finds its permanent groove, but it's not escaping. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Why do beavers build dams if they don't use hydroelectric power? - Friendly Freddy
Dear Friendly Freddy: Beavers dam up streams and rivers to irrigate their farms, and don't use electricity because they are Amish. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is that really true, that beavers are Amish? I always figured them to be Mennonites! - Isaah Lott
Dear Isaah Lott: The Answer Man is reminded once again to be supremely grateful for the intellectual development of the readers of bobcrespo.com, and yes, beavers are dam-building Amish farmers to the core of their beings! Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is messing with people's heads how you get your jollies? - Bull O'Really
Dear Bull O' Really: What, you think you invented horseshit, Bull? Please! I've watched your pathetic dog-and-pony show, and not once do you give any credit to your mentor Josef Goebbels, architect of the Big Lie. Next!
Dear Answer Man: When bears hibernate, do they dream? - Julie DeForth
Dear Julie DeForth: Yes they do, Julie, but unfortunately it's always that dream where you're on the subway in your underwear trying to act normal, so it's little wonder why they're so darned testy when they emerge from their dens in Springtime. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Lush Limburger says global warming is a myth and says that this winter proves it. Is Lush right? - Tipper from Tennessee
Dear Tipper from Tennessee: Perhaps Lush Limburger neglected to read the parts of the scientific studies mentioning that one result of global warming will be more snow and harsher winters in some areas of The Earth. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Why don't they give out a Nobel Prize for juggling? I can juggle two bowling pins, a bottle of wine (which I drink while juggling!) and a goldfish bowl and never spill a drop! - Jimbo the Magnificent
Dear Jimbo the Magnificent: The Answer Man loves his job! Sorry, Jimbo, I didn't mean to get carried away. Looks like you're a classic case of "born too late," son. The Nobel Committee retired the Juggling While Drunk Prize when W.C. Fields died in 1946. He had been the recipient of 5 of them, a record for Nobel Laureates. Next!
Dear Answer Man: My old lady Ginger Snap tells me she's sick of us being Poor White Trash even though we just upgraded to a double wide and got rid of most of the rusty junkers out front. Doesn't that make us Middle Class White Trash? - Bubba Ho Tep
Dear Bubba Ho Tep: Yes, that's exactly what it means. Tell Ginger Snap she can hold her head up high next time you two have a dustup and wind up appearing on another episode of COPS. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Who would win a 3-way cage match between Mike Sorrentino (The Situation from "Jersey Shore"), a wild African leopard and the head Transformer? - Sid Arthur
Dear Sid Arthur: I see you've specified an African leopard, Sid. Very astute, a subtle game-changer that makes it a tough call. The answer would be; Get a friggin' life, bozo, and maybe a thimbleful of knowledge one of these years! Next!
Dear Answer Man: You just totally threw up your hands and bailed on this one, didn't you, Answer Man? - Sammy Science
Dear Sammy Science: Bingo! You got me, Mister Science. An artist can only work with the materials at hand, my friend. You know as well as I do that some days in this biz you just say screw it and play the cards you're dealt. I notice you haven't been appearing on these pages lately. What gives?
Dear Answer Man: Hellooo! Didn't you get the memo? Science is something the president mentions every so often and everyone nods solemnly and agrees until the next day when we go back to taking political positions on proven facts. This ain't like the 1950's and '60s anymore, Answer Man, when every kid had a chemistry set and a microscope along with their baseball gloves, with maybe a rocket assembly kit too. Sammy Science is like the dinosaurs half the people around tell their kids didn't exist! I have to admit I've been hitting the bottle pretty heavy lately. - Sammy Science
Dear Sammy Science: Preaching to the choir pal, and that explains your hiatus, but hey, there's mouths to feed, and there's no heavy lifting here. That said, The Answer Man has had all he can take for one day, so... I... Am... Soooo... Outta here!
Dear Answer Man: Is it true that toilets and sinks drain in the opposite direction on the other side of the world? - Yuri Nidyet
Dear Yuri Nidyet: Yes. Next!
Dear Answer Man: You didn't tell him why! - Nan Compoop
Dear Nan Compoop: Sorry, there's no question here. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Will Egypt's revolution spread to other Middle East nations? - Ernesto Godliness
Dear Ernesto Godliness: Put it this way, Ernesto: how long would it take for a bunch of Manson-eyed creeps in robes who constantly tell everybody what worthless pieces of crap they are and try to talk your favorite nephew into blowing himself to smithereens to get on your nerves in a big way? So, the answer is yes, yes it will spread throughout the region. Next!
Dear Answer Man: How did you get to be so smart? - Justin Case
Dear Justin Case: I'll answer this one with a little parable: Two men, Tom and Teddy, were hiking in the woods when they encountered a giant hungry Grizzly Bear. Immediately Tom start to run away with Teddy on his heels and the Grizzly right behind them. Teddy breathlessly informs Tom that there's no way they can outrun the Grizzly Bear, to which Tom replies: "I know that Teddy, which is why I only have to outrun you!" Here's a clue, Justin: you're Teddy, I'm Tom. Next!
Dear Answer Man: I don't get it! - Justin Case.
Dear Justin Case: Bingo! And on such as yourself sir, is Answer Man's fortune made. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Scientists have determined that bees are not aerodynamically sound. How do they fly, then? - Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: If you don't tell the bees, I won't either. Next!
Dear Answer Man: But that's no answer, you blowhard phony! - Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: I'm sorry, Jerry, but you must submit your posts in the form of a question. Next!
Dear Answer Man: What's with that Jerry dude, A.M.? Seems a bit uptight. - Barbados Slim
Dear Barbados Slim: He's apparently a guy who doesn't keep up with the latest science journals and is thus unaware of new studies explaining that the incredible speed and complex design of bees' wings overcomes any inherent body-design deficiencies in aerodynamic drag and lift. Go figure. Next!
Dear Answer Man: No fair! - Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: You need not thank me now for teaching you this important life lesson, Jerry, but one day you'll realize that Answer Man is right, life is really not fair.
Dear Answer Man: The Moon is moving away from the earth at the rate of about one inch per year. Where is the Moon going in not-such-a-hurry? - Carrie Miebach
Dear Carrie Miebach: The Moon is going nowhere slow, but still finding it's permanent orbit around the earth. You see, Carrie, the moon used to be a part of Planet Earth, our Pacific flank, as it were, before there was a Pacific Ocean. Then a chuck of cosmic debris the size of Africa crashed into the planet, and one result was the moon separating and flying off into space, spinning around to become a globular mass and, although it has stopped spinning and we see only one side of it, it is still on that journey hundreds of millions of years later, but Earth's gravity will never allow it to fully leave our orbit. It may look a drop smaller when it finally finds its permanent groove, but it's not escaping. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Why do beavers build dams if they don't use hydroelectric power? - Friendly Freddy
Dear Friendly Freddy: Beavers dam up streams and rivers to irrigate their farms, and don't use electricity because they are Amish. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is that really true, that beavers are Amish? I always figured them to be Mennonites! - Isaah Lott
Dear Isaah Lott: The Answer Man is reminded once again to be supremely grateful for the intellectual development of the readers of bobcrespo.com, and yes, beavers are dam-building Amish farmers to the core of their beings! Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is messing with people's heads how you get your jollies? - Bull O'Really
Dear Bull O' Really: What, you think you invented horseshit, Bull? Please! I've watched your pathetic dog-and-pony show, and not once do you give any credit to your mentor Josef Goebbels, architect of the Big Lie. Next!
Dear Answer Man: When bears hibernate, do they dream? - Julie DeForth
Dear Julie DeForth: Yes they do, Julie, but unfortunately it's always that dream where you're on the subway in your underwear trying to act normal, so it's little wonder why they're so darned testy when they emerge from their dens in Springtime. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Lush Limburger says global warming is a myth and says that this winter proves it. Is Lush right? - Tipper from Tennessee
Dear Tipper from Tennessee: Perhaps Lush Limburger neglected to read the parts of the scientific studies mentioning that one result of global warming will be more snow and harsher winters in some areas of The Earth. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Why don't they give out a Nobel Prize for juggling? I can juggle two bowling pins, a bottle of wine (which I drink while juggling!) and a goldfish bowl and never spill a drop! - Jimbo the Magnificent
Dear Jimbo the Magnificent: The Answer Man loves his job! Sorry, Jimbo, I didn't mean to get carried away. Looks like you're a classic case of "born too late," son. The Nobel Committee retired the Juggling While Drunk Prize when W.C. Fields died in 1946. He had been the recipient of 5 of them, a record for Nobel Laureates. Next!
Dear Answer Man: My old lady Ginger Snap tells me she's sick of us being Poor White Trash even though we just upgraded to a double wide and got rid of most of the rusty junkers out front. Doesn't that make us Middle Class White Trash? - Bubba Ho Tep
Dear Bubba Ho Tep: Yes, that's exactly what it means. Tell Ginger Snap she can hold her head up high next time you two have a dustup and wind up appearing on another episode of COPS. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Who would win a 3-way cage match between Mike Sorrentino (The Situation from "Jersey Shore"), a wild African leopard and the head Transformer? - Sid Arthur
Dear Sid Arthur: I see you've specified an African leopard, Sid. Very astute, a subtle game-changer that makes it a tough call. The answer would be; Get a friggin' life, bozo, and maybe a thimbleful of knowledge one of these years! Next!
Dear Answer Man: You just totally threw up your hands and bailed on this one, didn't you, Answer Man? - Sammy Science
Dear Sammy Science: Bingo! You got me, Mister Science. An artist can only work with the materials at hand, my friend. You know as well as I do that some days in this biz you just say screw it and play the cards you're dealt. I notice you haven't been appearing on these pages lately. What gives?
Dear Answer Man: Hellooo! Didn't you get the memo? Science is something the president mentions every so often and everyone nods solemnly and agrees until the next day when we go back to taking political positions on proven facts. This ain't like the 1950's and '60s anymore, Answer Man, when every kid had a chemistry set and a microscope along with their baseball gloves, with maybe a rocket assembly kit too. Sammy Science is like the dinosaurs half the people around tell their kids didn't exist! I have to admit I've been hitting the bottle pretty heavy lately. - Sammy Science
Dear Sammy Science: Preaching to the choir pal, and that explains your hiatus, but hey, there's mouths to feed, and there's no heavy lifting here. That said, The Answer Man has had all he can take for one day, so... I... Am... Soooo... Outta here!
WHAT THINGS REALLY MEAN
Ever the public servants, we here at bobcrespo.com have added one more service to our Menu of The Magnificent. Today we provide literal translations of common, but often misleading, words or phrases. Consider these:
Phrase: With all due respect.
Translation: Move over, Rodney Dangerfield.
Phrase: Not for nothing, but...
Translation: A huge something, and never good.
Phrase: You don't mind if I...?
Translation: I'm going to anyway.
Phrase: It's not the money, it's the principle
Translation: It's the principal, and I want interest!
Phrase: You know what they say...
Translation: Here's my opinion...
Phrase: A stitch in time saves nine.
Translation: Nobody likes this Ben Franklin line, its biggest mystery being how this least profound famous quote ever came to be so popular. The better mysterious quote from this notorious womanizer? Try this: "All cats are gray in the dark."
Phrase: Rumor has it.
Translation: It's true.
Phrase: Size doesn't matter.
Translation: It matters, otherwise the subject would never come up.
Phrase: I can see Russia from my house.
Translation: I saw Yeti once.
Phrase: Eccentric celebrity.
Translation: Loathsome degenerate with talent.
Phrase: Wired in.
Translation: I live only through my electronic devices and haven't had to meet an actual person since 2006, thank God.
Phrase: Trickle down.
Translation: Let them eat cake.
Phrase: Luxury Condo.
Translation: There is no other kind of condominium. When was the last time anyone tried to sell you a Regular Condo, or a Drafty Utilitarian Box Condo?
Phrase: The Right of Eminent Domain.
Translation: Sorry Granny, but Walmart needs another 1,000 parking spaces, your house is bulldozer food. On the bright side, you can always apply to be a greeter for minimum wage, plus a senior discount!
Phrase: Free gift!
Translation: As opposed to say, being charged for a gift.
Phrase: Life coach.
Translation: Scam artist.
Phrase: NYC Council Member
Translation: A member of The Manhattan Politburo, a powerless rubber-stamp committee designed to make New York City's government resemble an actual American government with a legislative and an executive branch, rather than the one-man rule over 8 million people that it is.
Phrase: Higher Education
Translation: A degree in Pharmacology.
Phrase: Rap
Translation: Street poetry
Phrase: Alternative music.
Translation: Will.I.am.not.
Phrase: Aroma therapist
Translation: Scam artist
Phrase: Peace process
Translation: Don't hold your breath.
Phrase: President For Life
Translation: Beware the Ides of March.
Phrase: Can we still be friends?
Translation: Of the long lost variety, of course.
Phrase: Vice President
Translation: A heartbeat away from being in way over your head.
Phrase: The Christian Right
Translation: Those who have openly broken with Jesus Christ's policies.
Phrase: Reality TV.
Translation: The Surreal McCoy.
Phrase: Corporate Spokesperson
Translation: U.S. Congressman
Phrase: Morbidly obese
Translation: A new dimension in cruelty by professional scolds.
Phrase: Vitamin Water
Translation: Kool Aid
Phrase: I don't love you that way.
Translation: Or, pretty much any way, now that you mention it.
Phrase: With all due respect.
Translation: Move over, Rodney Dangerfield.
Phrase: Not for nothing, but...
Translation: A huge something, and never good.
Phrase: You don't mind if I...?
Translation: I'm going to anyway.
Phrase: It's not the money, it's the principle
Translation: It's the principal, and I want interest!
Phrase: You know what they say...
Translation: Here's my opinion...
Phrase: A stitch in time saves nine.
Translation: Nobody likes this Ben Franklin line, its biggest mystery being how this least profound famous quote ever came to be so popular. The better mysterious quote from this notorious womanizer? Try this: "All cats are gray in the dark."
Phrase: Rumor has it.
Translation: It's true.
Phrase: Size doesn't matter.
Translation: It matters, otherwise the subject would never come up.
Phrase: I can see Russia from my house.
Translation: I saw Yeti once.
Phrase: Eccentric celebrity.
Translation: Loathsome degenerate with talent.
Phrase: Wired in.
Translation: I live only through my electronic devices and haven't had to meet an actual person since 2006, thank God.
Phrase: Trickle down.
Translation: Let them eat cake.
Phrase: Luxury Condo.
Translation: There is no other kind of condominium. When was the last time anyone tried to sell you a Regular Condo, or a Drafty Utilitarian Box Condo?
Phrase: The Right of Eminent Domain.
Translation: Sorry Granny, but Walmart needs another 1,000 parking spaces, your house is bulldozer food. On the bright side, you can always apply to be a greeter for minimum wage, plus a senior discount!
Phrase: Free gift!
Translation: As opposed to say, being charged for a gift.
Phrase: Life coach.
Translation: Scam artist.
Phrase: NYC Council Member
Translation: A member of The Manhattan Politburo, a powerless rubber-stamp committee designed to make New York City's government resemble an actual American government with a legislative and an executive branch, rather than the one-man rule over 8 million people that it is.
Phrase: Higher Education
Translation: A degree in Pharmacology.
Phrase: Rap
Translation: Street poetry
Phrase: Alternative music.
Translation: Will.I.am.not.
Phrase: Aroma therapist
Translation: Scam artist
Phrase: Peace process
Translation: Don't hold your breath.
Phrase: President For Life
Translation: Beware the Ides of March.
Phrase: Can we still be friends?
Translation: Of the long lost variety, of course.
Phrase: Vice President
Translation: A heartbeat away from being in way over your head.
Phrase: The Christian Right
Translation: Those who have openly broken with Jesus Christ's policies.
Phrase: Reality TV.
Translation: The Surreal McCoy.
Phrase: Corporate Spokesperson
Translation: U.S. Congressman
Phrase: Morbidly obese
Translation: A new dimension in cruelty by professional scolds.
Phrase: Vitamin Water
Translation: Kool Aid
Phrase: I don't love you that way.
Translation: Or, pretty much any way, now that you mention it.
February 15, 2011
INTERVIEW WITH THE LAST CAVEMAN
In a stunning coup on the world's media, bobcrespo.com has secured an interview with George, the last living Neanderthal man. Long thought to be extinct for thousand of years, George came out of hiding when the last of his kind other than himself died. Alone in the world and facing the oblivion of loneliness and isolation, George wants to tell the world his story. Here goes:
Bobcrespo.com: Thank your for sitting down with us today, George.
George: Who us! Me see you only! There Spirit Man here?
BC: No, George, relax, I made a mistake. Thanks for sitting down with me!
George: Me joke you, me know you blowhard! No believe Spirit Man, me tease! Me like you, bobcrespo.com! No make funny with dem no like.
BC: Thank you George, and I like you too. May I ask you how you got the name George? Seems unusual for a Caveman.
George: That me human name. Real name Denzel. Many Caveman name Denzel. Me last.
BC: Why a human name?
George: Me pass sometimes. Many humans think me drunk biker, give me food, beer. Me take.
BC: Is that how you've been living since the next-to-last Caveman died?
George: Me still hunt, pick berries sometime, mostly act like drunk biker. Me no miss many meals!
BC: I'm amazed at your command of English, George!
George: Neanderthal no dumdum, bobcrespo.com, we just little slow on uptake! By time we realize you no mean Kumbaya, we almost extinct! You say "me show you new kind club," we say "okay sure," you bash skull new club! Den you say "want see new arrow" and again we say "okay sure...." You getting caribou scent here, bobcrespo.com?
BC: So you're saying Neanderthals are a trusting people?"
George: Me say was! It me only now, no trust human.
BC: I'm sorry to hear that.
George: You sorry? How think me feel?
BC: Well, you can always.... pass.
George: Me thinking of it. Me up for colors in bike gang.
BC: Don't they know you're a Neanderthal man?
George: Dem know, dem say make me ideal candidate. Biker no question if you okay. Dem say me okay. Me join, have food, beer, biker chick.
BC: You have a human girlfriend?
George: Her name Lulu. Many pictures on skin. Soft. Her like beer.
BC: So. you're not going public with who you are? You could make a fortune, you know, "The Last Caveman: The Movie," TV, DVDs, interviews, books, public appearances, you'd be a sensation!
George: Me no think so, bobcrespo.com. No want be Yeti for nobody, like bird in cage. Me no Yeti, me Caveman, me real! Me ride hog, me free, me have Lulu.
BC: Well, it's your life, George. You seem to have adjusted well to being the last of your kind, I must say.
George: You think me idea? Not confusing big number options for Last Caveman here! Me want live, me want free like was! Bike gang best shot.
BC: Well, George, you're secret's relatively safe here, hardly anyone reads these things. If you ever change your mind and want to get rich, George, I'd love to be your agent.
George: Line form to right if George ever decide go pubic, me have pick of agent!Me no dumdum, me tell you, and me no trust. Me no go public, this me last sit down talk.
BC: Sorry to hear that George but I wish you the best in your new life. Is there anything you'd like to tell my readers before you ride of into the sunset with Lulu on the back of your hog? A message to humanity from the Last Caveman?
George: Me have wish. Me like brown bear. Tell human no kill all.
And there you have it folks, the first (and apparently last!) interview with The Last Caveman. True to his word, George walked out of bobcrespo.com HQ and roared off on his Harley to parts unknown with Lulu hanging on.
Bobcrespo.com: Thank your for sitting down with us today, George.
George: Who us! Me see you only! There Spirit Man here?
BC: No, George, relax, I made a mistake. Thanks for sitting down with me!
George: Me joke you, me know you blowhard! No believe Spirit Man, me tease! Me like you, bobcrespo.com! No make funny with dem no like.
BC: Thank you George, and I like you too. May I ask you how you got the name George? Seems unusual for a Caveman.
George: That me human name. Real name Denzel. Many Caveman name Denzel. Me last.
BC: Why a human name?
George: Me pass sometimes. Many humans think me drunk biker, give me food, beer. Me take.
BC: Is that how you've been living since the next-to-last Caveman died?
George: Me still hunt, pick berries sometime, mostly act like drunk biker. Me no miss many meals!
BC: I'm amazed at your command of English, George!
George: Neanderthal no dumdum, bobcrespo.com, we just little slow on uptake! By time we realize you no mean Kumbaya, we almost extinct! You say "me show you new kind club," we say "okay sure," you bash skull new club! Den you say "want see new arrow" and again we say "okay sure...." You getting caribou scent here, bobcrespo.com?
BC: So you're saying Neanderthals are a trusting people?"
George: Me say was! It me only now, no trust human.
BC: I'm sorry to hear that.
George: You sorry? How think me feel?
BC: Well, you can always.... pass.
George: Me thinking of it. Me up for colors in bike gang.
BC: Don't they know you're a Neanderthal man?
George: Dem know, dem say make me ideal candidate. Biker no question if you okay. Dem say me okay. Me join, have food, beer, biker chick.
BC: You have a human girlfriend?
George: Her name Lulu. Many pictures on skin. Soft. Her like beer.
BC: So. you're not going public with who you are? You could make a fortune, you know, "The Last Caveman: The Movie," TV, DVDs, interviews, books, public appearances, you'd be a sensation!
George: Me no think so, bobcrespo.com. No want be Yeti for nobody, like bird in cage. Me no Yeti, me Caveman, me real! Me ride hog, me free, me have Lulu.
BC: Well, it's your life, George. You seem to have adjusted well to being the last of your kind, I must say.
George: You think me idea? Not confusing big number options for Last Caveman here! Me want live, me want free like was! Bike gang best shot.
BC: Well, George, you're secret's relatively safe here, hardly anyone reads these things. If you ever change your mind and want to get rich, George, I'd love to be your agent.
George: Line form to right if George ever decide go pubic, me have pick of agent!Me no dumdum, me tell you, and me no trust. Me no go public, this me last sit down talk.
BC: Sorry to hear that George but I wish you the best in your new life. Is there anything you'd like to tell my readers before you ride of into the sunset with Lulu on the back of your hog? A message to humanity from the Last Caveman?
George: Me have wish. Me like brown bear. Tell human no kill all.
And there you have it folks, the first (and apparently last!) interview with The Last Caveman. True to his word, George walked out of bobcrespo.com HQ and roared off on his Harley to parts unknown with Lulu hanging on.
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