TRICK QUESTIONS

People often ask what's more important, money or happiness. What kind of stupid question is that? Give me the money, thank you, and I'll figure out a way to be happy, no problem. Then they tell you that money can't buy you happiness. What? Well, I'd sure like to field-test that whacky theory.

Others ask whether there is any meaning to life. Let me clear that one up for those tortured souls right now: There's plenty of meaning to life, it's just not the same in any two lives. To many of us, a huge part of the meaning of life is avoiding angst-ridden jerks who ask dumb-ass questions. Those people should pretty much hang out with each other and leave the rest of us alone to do as we will and enjoy our lives without looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Some ask what God looks like. That's easy. He's an old guy in robes with a long white beard who hurls thunderbolts around from time to time. Haven't these people ever seen any old oil paintings? That mystery was cleared up centuries ago.

And then you get the question I love most: "What's wrong with you?" Well, how much time have you got? The list is fairly lengthy. You'd better sit down. I'll go make some coffee, we're going to be here awhile.

We're people and we ask a lot of questions and that's as it should be. That's how we learn, that's how we get important information and that's how we find out about each other. Questions. It's a dim bulb indeed who doesn't ask plenty of them. But sometimes we ask trick questions that have no meaningful answers, like the money or happiness deal or the what's wrong with you bit. Here's one: "How many times do I have to tell you?" That usually means you're not doing what somebody else wants you to do, or that you weren't paying attention. Repetition usually doesn't change much about either of those scenarios.

Sometimes, being human, we try to pull a fast one and get caught. Then someone always asks you "Did you think you could get away with that?" Well... yeah, I sure did. Wasn't that friggin' obvious, you bozo?

We all sometimes ask questions we already know the answer to, like "What was I thinking?" That always follows some bonehead move on our part. In fact we know exactly what we were thinking, and when we ask that question it's just an admission that we were thinking something really, really dumb at the time but went through with it anyway, thinking that, yeah, I can get away with this. These things happen.

And some questions women pose to men have no good possible answers, like: "Does this dress make me look fat?" Now, there's a potential powder keg disguised as an innocent question. Or how about "Do you notice anything different about me?" when you don't notice a dime's worth of difference and now your mind is racing but nothing's coming to you. (New haircut? Did she lose a few pounds? Gain some? Nah, she'd never ask that if she gained a few. Must be a new outfit or something. Quick, quick!) But now it's too late since you didn't think fast enough and stalled too long or guessed completely wrong and you're quickly labeled as an insensitive lout, which, in all fairness to women, is not always an inaccurate assessment.

Which is why male/female relations are often conducted in code. Men are fairly oblivious but women notice everything so they speak to us in shorthand: "Are you cold?" means "I'm cold, make it warmer in here." "Is it stuffy in here?" is your cue to open a window. "Don't you love Periwinkle Blue?" means that you'll be spending your day off painting that color on your walls, maybe hanging matching curtains too. "Do you want Italian or Chinese?" means two things; A.- You're going to a restaurant tonight, and B.- It will be Italian food, the first choice mentioned.

"How long have you had those blue jeans?" means you're not going to have them much longer. Ditto "How can you stand that ratty old recliner?" Say goodbye to old reliable and remember it fondly while you're trying to get comfortable in your new modern, angular and iron-hard armchair while you're watching a ball game. "How was your day?" means you should say "Just fine," and then shut the hell up and listen to how her vexing day went. "What are you thinking about?" means "Are you thinking about me? About us?" so it's best to have a supply of stock answers handy so you don't have to admit you had absolutely nothing on your mind.

And never, ever reply when asked about your former lovers. Better the cold shoulder that the white hot eruption produced by any possible answer you might come up with. Ladies, do the same when your man asks that question. It's nobody else's business and a completely ridiculous question fueled by insecurity and designed to start a huge fight. Might as well ask somebody "Who's a better cook, my mother or your mother?" That's the grown-up equivalent of the school yard boast: "My Dad can beat up your Dad!" Everybody knows that their Mom is the best cook in the world and their Dad can beat anybody else's Dad. Why pop anybody else's balloons? These particular lines of questioning are harder to crack than than the DNA code and remain an eternal mystery, so until we figure it out it's best to keep our own counsel. Private thoughts are the way to go here, no matter how foreign a concept that may be to some of us.

And it's not only man-woman communications that's skewed with our unanswerable questions. It's human-to-human relations, no matter what our relationship or lack of one. Who hasn't asked a perfect stranger "Is is hot enough for you?" What's that supposed to mean and what do we expect in reply? Maybe "No, I'm from Hell, and I wish it was a whole lot hotter up here. Oh, by the way, I've come for your soul. This way, please..." Might serve us right for asking another trick question.