President Obama looks like he can win reelection, but only just barely. The only thing preventing it will be his choice of Vice President. Oh, I know, I know, you're saying to yourselves that he's already got a perfectly serviceable Vice President in Joe Biden, affable and a bit dopey, the way we like 'em. Only problem is, that Old Joe wants more! This born-to-be-second-banana wants to be Top Dog, and we've all seen the results of that last time around when Shotgun Dick Cheney staged a bloodless coup and took over America!
That's like Larry deciding he wants to be Moe, or in Biden's case, Curly! That just won't do, and the Cheney Administration only highlighted this recipe for disaster. This country was not built on having talented, high-profile Vice Presidents. Quick, name 5 memorable VPs! No? Okay, how about 3? See what I mean? They just don't register. Traditionally, the only time you hear about one is when a President dies in office and he takes over, a guy no one voted for and who no one wants to see running the show.
Look at the piss-poor record of Vice Presidents when running for President. Few make it, simply because they have spent 4 or 8 years not making a difference, relegated to we'll-call-you-if-we-need-you status, maybe breaking a tie vote in the Senate every couple of years, and the rest of the time making speeches to 4H Clubs and attending the funerals of state leaders we didn't like all that much.
Joe Biden was made for this minor league crap, but this Larry all of sudden wants to be a Moe and is making way too much noise for a VP! See, the problem here is that Biden has run for president himself a few times, and didn't get very far, but that didn't dissuade him from thinking he could be The Man. No friggin' way! The voters told him that time and again, but this old bag of hot air refuses to read the memo.
Time for a new Larry: Yours truly! I will be more than happy to melt into the background and do very little. Hell, the salary is great, the perks even better, and a great lifetime pension too! Why ask for more? There's a Vice Presidential Mansion with a nice pool to live in, an office with a large staff to help you do nothing, a bunch of Secret Service Agents running interference for you and and the use of Air Force 2 to travel the globe spreading good will and judging wet T-shirt contests in Brazil!
What's not to love? Why ruin a sweet gig like this by working extra hard in a job designed for a lazy but jovial old fool? That's me! I promise not to embarrass the American people or my President by trying to govern America. That's what Presidents and Congress are for. I vow not to come up with any "bright ideas" that throw a monkey wrench into the President's plans.
Any President who hires me to be his VP also gains another vital edge: assassination insurance. Even the most crazed assassin would take pause before firing the bullet that would put the likes of me in the White House! This way the President can concentrate on the hardest job on earth with out having to worry about either being shot down or having a thorn-in-his-side type of clueless VP always putting his 2¢ in or making stupid public statements.
No worries on that score with Vice President Bob Crespo. Between fact-finding missions to Scandinavia and the French Riviera, swimming in the Vice Presidential pool with my attractive young interns and showing minor visiting dignitaries a whale of a good time, I'll have plenty enough to do without worrying about politics, or worse, actually formulating workable policies.
I will restore the office of the Vice President to the margins of American political life, a do-nothing job held down by a guy who looks good in a suit and is quick with a joke or a ringing endorsement of whatever cockamamie thing the president is up to at the moment. I'm practicing these catch phrases now: "What he said," "It's the best thing for the nation right now," "I agree wholeheartedly with the president" and "Is this a great country, or what?"
I'll smile and wink at the cameras, maybe flash the occasional "V For Victory" finger sign, but only rarely speak out, and then only if the president asks me to. If he needs me to threaten someone, I'd do that too, Brooklyn style, so his hands will be clean when Senator so-and-so shows up at a session with a couple of black eyes and a broken thumb to cast his vote in favor of the President.
How many mob enforcers does Joe Biden know? Hah! And fugghetabout corporate lobbyists, I'd have them kneecapped and beaten within an inch of their lives (maybe even have a few whacked to send a message) and clean up D.C in no time! Coming from Brooklyn has its advantages, and a "suggestion" to lobbyists that they "maybe you oughtta pick a healthier career" and leave Washington for good can only help lubricate the wheels of government.
So there we have it; quiet, non-interfering, fun loving and affable, yet willing to do the "little extras" to help my country (and keep my cushy job!). The choice is clear:
BOB CRESPO FOR VICE PRESIDENT IN 2012.
OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND!
July 25, 2011
July 22, 2011
July 14, 2011
NOW MORE THAN EVER: BOB CRESPO FOR VICE PRESIDENT
The 2012 Presidential Elections are still over a year away but the Republican Candidates, both declared and otherwise, are already in our collective face, appearing everywhere and trumpeting their indignation at the current Democratic administration, and assuring us that their unique skill sets will enable them to undo the carnage of the previous Republican administration.
Fortunately for President Obama, these GOP and Tea Party Wannabe Presidents are scary crazy and thick as a fence post, every one. What the Republicans seem to have forgotten since their success with the pinheaded Bush The Younger, is that you put the wacky person as the #2 person on the ballot, the office of the Vice Presidency, where they are harmlessly out of the way, running minor state errands and shaking hands with Boy Scouts.
Which is where I come in, to address President Obama's one weakness at the polls, the #2 man. Joe Biden has been showing signs of taking his job seriously, never a good thing in the annals of the Vice Presidency. Hell, that crazy Cheney guy took over the country! Now Joe all of a sudden has opinions on things? That just won't do. Mr. President, dump that croaking frog and share your ticket with me! I'll be so anonymous you'll wonder if I'm even there, the way a proper Vice President behaves!
As Vice President., I will be accorded the Vice Presidential Mansion (with pool!), Air Force 2 (just as cool as AF1), an extensive staff and no shortage of attractive young interns of my own choosing. I will be expected to show up in the Senate every blue moon to break a tie, fly around the world checking beach erosion in Rio and the Riviera, attend minor state functions and basically look good in a suit or tuxedo. Plus a nice salary and a chubby phat expense account. You think I'm going to screw up a sweet gig like that by getting involved in politics? No chance.
I, Bob Crespo, solemnly swear to return the Vice Presidency of the United States of America to its hallowed and time honored position; anonymous, smiling and affable! I am even willing to grow mutton chop whiskers and wear a top hat just like all those other Vice Presidents whose names you don't know but seemed like jolly enough fellows, but not quite up to being President. If they were baseball players, they'd have what is called "warning track power."
But that's just fine with me, that is all we really want from our Vice Presidents, the appearance of normality. As long as you can master that, it doesn't matter how loony you are, just as long as you keep it out of the papers! The real President has enough to do without worrying about a loose cannon like Biden mouthing off about something he doesn't know a thing about because he's out of the loop! I will stay out of the loop and make it my business not to get involved in the business of governing!
See, that's the problem with modern Vice Presidents: they are all picked from the bunch of candidates that the nominee just defeated, people who spent over a year trashing his policies and selling their own, so they all think they they can do a better job than their boss. I suffer no such illusions. My answer to all political questions will be: "What the President said!"
Oh, did I mention the sweet pension and the lifetime Secret Service bodyguard detail? Great seats at Yankee Stadium forever! But I digress. Today I announce my candidacy for the office of Vice President of The United States. I humbly offer my lack of services to President Obama and the nation.
BOB CRESPO FOR VICE PRESIDENT IN 2012!
OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF (MY) MIND!
Fortunately for President Obama, these GOP and Tea Party Wannabe Presidents are scary crazy and thick as a fence post, every one. What the Republicans seem to have forgotten since their success with the pinheaded Bush The Younger, is that you put the wacky person as the #2 person on the ballot, the office of the Vice Presidency, where they are harmlessly out of the way, running minor state errands and shaking hands with Boy Scouts.
Which is where I come in, to address President Obama's one weakness at the polls, the #2 man. Joe Biden has been showing signs of taking his job seriously, never a good thing in the annals of the Vice Presidency. Hell, that crazy Cheney guy took over the country! Now Joe all of a sudden has opinions on things? That just won't do. Mr. President, dump that croaking frog and share your ticket with me! I'll be so anonymous you'll wonder if I'm even there, the way a proper Vice President behaves!
As Vice President., I will be accorded the Vice Presidential Mansion (with pool!), Air Force 2 (just as cool as AF1), an extensive staff and no shortage of attractive young interns of my own choosing. I will be expected to show up in the Senate every blue moon to break a tie, fly around the world checking beach erosion in Rio and the Riviera, attend minor state functions and basically look good in a suit or tuxedo. Plus a nice salary and a chubby phat expense account. You think I'm going to screw up a sweet gig like that by getting involved in politics? No chance.
I, Bob Crespo, solemnly swear to return the Vice Presidency of the United States of America to its hallowed and time honored position; anonymous, smiling and affable! I am even willing to grow mutton chop whiskers and wear a top hat just like all those other Vice Presidents whose names you don't know but seemed like jolly enough fellows, but not quite up to being President. If they were baseball players, they'd have what is called "warning track power."
But that's just fine with me, that is all we really want from our Vice Presidents, the appearance of normality. As long as you can master that, it doesn't matter how loony you are, just as long as you keep it out of the papers! The real President has enough to do without worrying about a loose cannon like Biden mouthing off about something he doesn't know a thing about because he's out of the loop! I will stay out of the loop and make it my business not to get involved in the business of governing!
See, that's the problem with modern Vice Presidents: they are all picked from the bunch of candidates that the nominee just defeated, people who spent over a year trashing his policies and selling their own, so they all think they they can do a better job than their boss. I suffer no such illusions. My answer to all political questions will be: "What the President said!"
Oh, did I mention the sweet pension and the lifetime Secret Service bodyguard detail? Great seats at Yankee Stadium forever! But I digress. Today I announce my candidacy for the office of Vice President of The United States. I humbly offer my lack of services to President Obama and the nation.
BOB CRESPO FOR VICE PRESIDENT IN 2012!
OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF (MY) MIND!
July 6, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 788
It is said that the only sure things are death and taxes. This is not true. You can evade taxes.
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