May 28, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 785
If you feel the need to be a "type" to bolster your self esteem, stay away from these: "Troubled Drifter" and "Edgy Loner." Those can be real social-life assassins.
May 22, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 784
If you are a wanted desperado on the run who is relieved that the TV show "America's Most Wanted" has been cancelled, you would be foolish to assume that the FBI will stop looking for you just because John Walsh is off the case. Low profile is the way to go.
AMERICA'S MOST WANTED: UNFINISHED BUSINESS - THE ONES THAT SLIPPED THROUGH THE MANHUNT
The news comes to us that the weekly crime-fighting show, "America''s Most Wanted" has been cancelled by the FOX network and this season will be its last. After 24 seasons, 1,140 shows and 1,151 desperadoes captured, John Walsh and his crack team of narrators will be leaving a hole in our Saturday night TV viewing schedule. While Walsh and his team derive great satisfaction in helping both local and federal law-enforcement officials across the nation lock up some very dangerous human predators, there also a feeling of regret as well over some high profile offenders still at a large. Looks like America is on its own when it comes to catching these public enemies:
Johannes "Jay" Walker: From the heart of New York City, Mid-town Manhattan, Jay Walker has been brazenly flouting pedestrian rules and Don't Walk signs for over 2 decades! Surveillance footage from the security cameras of countless NYC skyscrapers and bodegas have captured Mr. Walker's crimes again and again. His latest daring broad-daylight caper was a mad dash across Broadway at the height of rush hour, causing at least one taxi to screech to a halt. As a result, its passenger spilled hot latte from Starbucks all over her Gucci ensemble and the driver to be temporarily blinded when his turban unravelled.
Joseph "Ripper" Kowalski: Hailing from Duluth Minnesota, this troubled loner has been spotted by alert eyewitnesses and caught on videotape at furniture stores and retail bedding outlets nationwide. A cunning criminal, Ripper pretends to be shopping for a new mattress when he suddenly produces a concealed pen knife and removes the labels from as many mattresses as he can, rendering them completely useless. He then shouts our "Death to Sealy" and exits the premises before startled clerks and customers can react. Criminal profilers at the FBI theorize that he is either a disgruntled former mattress factory employee, or that guy who just couldn't find his "ideal sleep number."
Freddy Ponzi: No one is exactly sure of what this guy did and didn't do, but the Financial Meltdown of 2008 and the conviction of Bernie Madoff in a $100 billion "Ponzi" scheme has authorities eager to talk with Freddy. They're not buying his "unfortunate coincidence" explanations and have charged him with causing the near-collapse of entire financial system of the United States and the theft of $7 trillion dollars. His lawyer has gone on record with the lamest defense imaginable, that it was the bankers and corporate executives themselves that robbed all the money, and his client is just an innocent truck driver who's name happens to be Ponzi. Then why is he in hiding and where did Madoff get the "Ponzi" idea?
William "Bull" O'Really: Long a cable TV broadcaster and professional blowhard, Bull O'Really has actually committed no crimes that AMW was aware of, he just really got on John Wash's nerves with all his lying and phony anger, so Bull was often featured on the program for fraud in the first degree and "Aggravating Impersonation of a Journalist."
Shotgun Dick Cheney: America's first dictator, Shotgun Dick Cheney is charged with taking over the United States Government from language and motor skill-impaired George W. "Dumbya" Bush, lying America into a war with Iraq so he and he and Halliburton buddies could cash in to the tune of billion$, suspending the Bill of Rights, exposing a U.S. spy and stealing Top Secret American robot technology and having it installed in his own body to extend his life indefinitely. DO NOT approach this man or attempt to apprehend him yourself, he is surrounded by lethal robot security guards and has a death laser eye!
If you see Jay Walker, Ripper Kowalski, Freddy Ponzi, Bull O'Really or Shotgun Dick or, keep your distance and call 1(800) ohwaityoucan'tcallthey'vebeencancelled. (Now they really can guarantee you can remain anonymous!) THE MANHUNT STOPS NOW!
Johannes "Jay" Walker: From the heart of New York City, Mid-town Manhattan, Jay Walker has been brazenly flouting pedestrian rules and Don't Walk signs for over 2 decades! Surveillance footage from the security cameras of countless NYC skyscrapers and bodegas have captured Mr. Walker's crimes again and again. His latest daring broad-daylight caper was a mad dash across Broadway at the height of rush hour, causing at least one taxi to screech to a halt. As a result, its passenger spilled hot latte from Starbucks all over her Gucci ensemble and the driver to be temporarily blinded when his turban unravelled.
Joseph "Ripper" Kowalski: Hailing from Duluth Minnesota, this troubled loner has been spotted by alert eyewitnesses and caught on videotape at furniture stores and retail bedding outlets nationwide. A cunning criminal, Ripper pretends to be shopping for a new mattress when he suddenly produces a concealed pen knife and removes the labels from as many mattresses as he can, rendering them completely useless. He then shouts our "Death to Sealy" and exits the premises before startled clerks and customers can react. Criminal profilers at the FBI theorize that he is either a disgruntled former mattress factory employee, or that guy who just couldn't find his "ideal sleep number."
Freddy Ponzi: No one is exactly sure of what this guy did and didn't do, but the Financial Meltdown of 2008 and the conviction of Bernie Madoff in a $100 billion "Ponzi" scheme has authorities eager to talk with Freddy. They're not buying his "unfortunate coincidence" explanations and have charged him with causing the near-collapse of entire financial system of the United States and the theft of $7 trillion dollars. His lawyer has gone on record with the lamest defense imaginable, that it was the bankers and corporate executives themselves that robbed all the money, and his client is just an innocent truck driver who's name happens to be Ponzi. Then why is he in hiding and where did Madoff get the "Ponzi" idea?
William "Bull" O'Really: Long a cable TV broadcaster and professional blowhard, Bull O'Really has actually committed no crimes that AMW was aware of, he just really got on John Wash's nerves with all his lying and phony anger, so Bull was often featured on the program for fraud in the first degree and "Aggravating Impersonation of a Journalist."
Shotgun Dick Cheney: America's first dictator, Shotgun Dick Cheney is charged with taking over the United States Government from language and motor skill-impaired George W. "Dumbya" Bush, lying America into a war with Iraq so he and he and Halliburton buddies could cash in to the tune of billion$, suspending the Bill of Rights, exposing a U.S. spy and stealing Top Secret American robot technology and having it installed in his own body to extend his life indefinitely. DO NOT approach this man or attempt to apprehend him yourself, he is surrounded by lethal robot security guards and has a death laser eye!
If you see Jay Walker, Ripper Kowalski, Freddy Ponzi, Bull O'Really or Shotgun Dick or, keep your distance and call 1(800) ohwaityoucan'tcallthey'vebeencancelled. (Now they really can guarantee you can remain anonymous!) THE MANHUNT STOPS NOW!
May 20, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 783
To get ahead in this world, it's not who you know, but who leaves you $50 million bucks and a penthouse in their will.
May 11, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 782
The written word is a powerful tool. For example, you probably were not going to think about a purple armadillo anytime soon, but you are now.
May 9, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 781
If you are a doormat, don't complain when people walk all over you. Doormats serve no other purpose.
IMAM HOOZYAH DADYEH TAKES COMMAND OF AL QAEDA
Bobcrespo.com has done it again, successfully wiretapping the latest meeting of the Al Qaeda Leadership Council, held in the conference room of a Day's Motor Inn on the outskirts of the city of Abbotancostelloabad in Western Pakistan. The recent "firing" of long time CEO Osama bin Laden has prompted much behind-the-scenes jockeying for the top spot by several contenders, and this meeting was held to settle the issue once and for all in order to continue their ongoing mission to "kill where no man has killed before." The meeting was chaired by Sheik Yerbouti of Wazzuppistan.
Sheik Yerbouti: Gentlemen, this meeting is called to order. As we all know, our leader of blessed memory, Osama bin Laden, has been martyred by The Great Satan and is now enjoying his menage a' 72 in Paradise, so it is left to us to pick a new leader. Let's get right down to business, shall we? I nominate myself! The floor is open.
Sultan Peppah: Wait just a doggone minute, Yerbouti! Who died and made you king?
Sheik Yerbouti: Osama did! It is well known that I was Osama's most trusted aide and his only logical successor!
Mullah Yaba Dabadu: I'll tell you what I recall, you goat-humping old swine, that at the last meeting of the leadership council you refused the honor of taking the #2 job and forced Osama to be his own assistant, thus dooming him!
Ayatollah Howmennee: Dabadu's right! Allah knows that The Great Satan has been picking off our #2 men for years with their metal robot hawks! Maybe if you took the #2 job Osama would still be alive and you would be the one sleeping with the fishes!
Sheik Yerbouti: Can I help it if all our #2 men boasted of their elevation on Facebook! What ever happened to following the Book Of Corleone: "Never tell anyone outside the family what you're thinking!"
Ayatollah Howmennee: Tell that to your Twitter following, you simpering jackal!
Sheik Yerbouti: Who would you propose to take the Blessed Martyr's place, yourself?
Ayatollah Howmennee: I myself am unworthy, but I do nominate the eminent and bloodthirsty Ali Ali Oxenfrei, who so bravely organized the tribal warlords to resist the American military in Afghanistan. He is a man among men!
Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: That's exactly the problem with him, he's got more teenaged boyfriends than a Republican Senator!
Sultan Peppah: You're point being?
Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: Allah preserve us! If 3 veiled homely wives were good enough for Martyr Osama, I say we don't elect this drooling chicken hawk to lead us. What are we, The Village People all of a sudden?
Ayatollah Howmennee: So, you would reject centuries of established custom just because you prefer the bed of a woman? You're no better than those infidel Tea Party buffoons who would deny gay marriage in the Great Satan!
Sheik Yerbouti: Gentlemen, gentleman, we are getting off topic here! We have come here to choose a new leader of the fight to crush the Western dogs and spread Islam to every corner of the earth.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Even Vegas? Get real, Yerbouti, there has to be some pockets of decadent idolatry and fornication left for us to condemn, otherwise our whole reason for living would cease to exist! If you recall our last meeting, there was some unfinished business of exactly who gets to govern Las Vegas once we take over, and I graciously volunteered for this unpleasant task.
Sheik Yerbouti: Good point, Howmennee. And yes, I suppose you can have the honor of presiding over that den of sinful fornicators and condemning them to your heart's content.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Of course one would have to extensively sample these deviant pleasures in oder to speak authoritatively on such matters...
Sheik Yerbouti: Alright already, Howmennee, we got the disturbing mental memo! Enough! If you elect me, the job is all yours.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Then I support you completely. I will be leaving soon to do some undercover research in order to prepare the way....
Sultan Peppah: Not so fast, curry breath! What about Caliph Hamman Aigz? He is a loyal Muslim and an experienced fighter!
Sheik Yerbouti: Hamman Aigz? Even we are not so dimwitted to follow a man with such a name! Our pubic relations have taken a severe enough beating already this week! Have any of you seen the latest polls? We are held in lower esteem than even Shotgun Dick Cheney!
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Hold off on the vote a sec, willya, I must visit the lavatory. This rancid Pakistani lamb kebab is going through me like an express camel caravan through the Sahara!
Sheik Yerbouti: Okay, fine, Dadyeh, but make it fast, you never know when one of those robot Predator Hawks will pick up our trail. We will take a 5 minute break for refreshments.
Mullah Yaba Dabadu: What is that infernal whistling sound? Okay, who left the tea kettle boiling?
(Editor's note: At this point there was a loud boom on our tape, then a brief silence, but luckily the microphone withstood whatever caused it.)
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Okay, I'm back. Did I miss anyth.... What the fuck! Alrighty then, let us duly record this day that I, Imam Hoozyah Dadyeh of Weirdistan, will henceforth and forever be the undisputed and Supreme Leader of Al Qaeda. Are their any objections?
The Assembled Al Qaeda Leadership Council:
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Then it is unanimous. Meeting adjourned, Death to America. Taxi!
Sheik Yerbouti: Gentlemen, this meeting is called to order. As we all know, our leader of blessed memory, Osama bin Laden, has been martyred by The Great Satan and is now enjoying his menage a' 72 in Paradise, so it is left to us to pick a new leader. Let's get right down to business, shall we? I nominate myself! The floor is open.
Sultan Peppah: Wait just a doggone minute, Yerbouti! Who died and made you king?
Sheik Yerbouti: Osama did! It is well known that I was Osama's most trusted aide and his only logical successor!
Mullah Yaba Dabadu: I'll tell you what I recall, you goat-humping old swine, that at the last meeting of the leadership council you refused the honor of taking the #2 job and forced Osama to be his own assistant, thus dooming him!
Ayatollah Howmennee: Dabadu's right! Allah knows that The Great Satan has been picking off our #2 men for years with their metal robot hawks! Maybe if you took the #2 job Osama would still be alive and you would be the one sleeping with the fishes!
Sheik Yerbouti: Can I help it if all our #2 men boasted of their elevation on Facebook! What ever happened to following the Book Of Corleone: "Never tell anyone outside the family what you're thinking!"
Ayatollah Howmennee: Tell that to your Twitter following, you simpering jackal!
Sheik Yerbouti: Who would you propose to take the Blessed Martyr's place, yourself?
Ayatollah Howmennee: I myself am unworthy, but I do nominate the eminent and bloodthirsty Ali Ali Oxenfrei, who so bravely organized the tribal warlords to resist the American military in Afghanistan. He is a man among men!
Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: That's exactly the problem with him, he's got more teenaged boyfriends than a Republican Senator!
Sultan Peppah: You're point being?
Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: Allah preserve us! If 3 veiled homely wives were good enough for Martyr Osama, I say we don't elect this drooling chicken hawk to lead us. What are we, The Village People all of a sudden?
Ayatollah Howmennee: So, you would reject centuries of established custom just because you prefer the bed of a woman? You're no better than those infidel Tea Party buffoons who would deny gay marriage in the Great Satan!
Sheik Yerbouti: Gentlemen, gentleman, we are getting off topic here! We have come here to choose a new leader of the fight to crush the Western dogs and spread Islam to every corner of the earth.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Even Vegas? Get real, Yerbouti, there has to be some pockets of decadent idolatry and fornication left for us to condemn, otherwise our whole reason for living would cease to exist! If you recall our last meeting, there was some unfinished business of exactly who gets to govern Las Vegas once we take over, and I graciously volunteered for this unpleasant task.
Sheik Yerbouti: Good point, Howmennee. And yes, I suppose you can have the honor of presiding over that den of sinful fornicators and condemning them to your heart's content.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Of course one would have to extensively sample these deviant pleasures in oder to speak authoritatively on such matters...
Sheik Yerbouti: Alright already, Howmennee, we got the disturbing mental memo! Enough! If you elect me, the job is all yours.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Then I support you completely. I will be leaving soon to do some undercover research in order to prepare the way....
Sultan Peppah: Not so fast, curry breath! What about Caliph Hamman Aigz? He is a loyal Muslim and an experienced fighter!
Sheik Yerbouti: Hamman Aigz? Even we are not so dimwitted to follow a man with such a name! Our pubic relations have taken a severe enough beating already this week! Have any of you seen the latest polls? We are held in lower esteem than even Shotgun Dick Cheney!
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Hold off on the vote a sec, willya, I must visit the lavatory. This rancid Pakistani lamb kebab is going through me like an express camel caravan through the Sahara!
Sheik Yerbouti: Okay, fine, Dadyeh, but make it fast, you never know when one of those robot Predator Hawks will pick up our trail. We will take a 5 minute break for refreshments.
Mullah Yaba Dabadu: What is that infernal whistling sound? Okay, who left the tea kettle boiling?
(Editor's note: At this point there was a loud boom on our tape, then a brief silence, but luckily the microphone withstood whatever caused it.)
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Okay, I'm back. Did I miss anyth.... What the fuck! Alrighty then, let us duly record this day that I, Imam Hoozyah Dadyeh of Weirdistan, will henceforth and forever be the undisputed and Supreme Leader of Al Qaeda. Are their any objections?
The Assembled Al Qaeda Leadership Council:
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Then it is unanimous. Meeting adjourned, Death to America. Taxi!
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