December 31, 2009
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 596
Flood plains are called flood plains for a good reason. As beautiful as some of them are, you might want to build your dream house elsewhere. That sweeping river view just might be from the bottom of it one of these days.
YOU HAVE TO WONDER HOW SOME THINGS WORK...
Is anybody out there prepared at a moment's notice to set fire to a bunch of police vehicles? Seems like something you'd have to prepare for pretty carefully, no? It's probably not all that easy to do, especially since the police who use those vehicles would be handy, and very likely less than enthusiastic about losing their rides. And yet you read in the papers about "spontaneous" riots that occur here and there across this globe, and it appears that random people in the street carry incendiary devices, just in case they happen upon a riot. Can this be the case?
And what about those cities in the Middle East where the rioters throw stones? Where do they get them? Do cities in the Middle East differ from cities everywhere else in the world by having an abundance of tennis ball-sized stones laying around, or are there stone vendors in those cities who spring into action like the umbrella vendors in New York City during a sudden rain storm? By definition, riots are spontaneous flare-ups, so you have to wonder how all this works.
So many things go on in this world that you just sort of take for granted until you think about them a little while. Take all those genocide campaigns in Africa. That sort of thing takes a whole lot of time and energy, especially since the weapons of choice seem to be the machete and the gasoline-soaked burning automobile tire around someone's neck. Where do all those machetes come from? Does everybody have one? Or the tires? You have to figure that there's a whole bunch of vehicles up on cinder blocks with the gas siphoned out of them when a good old genocide campaign gets going. Seems like an awful lot of trouble.
Why not just run them over? They obviously have plenty of cars around, and they would be far more efficient when the goal is to kill as many people as possible in a short time before those pesky United Nations troops show up. How much less time-consuming that would be than all that hacking and severing of limbs and jacking up cars to remove the tires and the siphoning of gasoline! Sounds a bit counter-productive, no? And don't they care about getting their clothes all messed up with grease, gasoline and blood? Sometimes it seems that these genocide slaughterers don't think these things all the way through.
And so you wonder. You look at pictures of Buddhist monks, and it dawns on you that half of them are young boys, like 11 or 12 and even younger. You're thinking, that's an awful young age to commit yourself to celibacy, poverty and everlasting prayer. You wonder maybe if for a lot of them it wasn't their idea to walk around barefoot with shaved heads wearing orange robes and chanting all day long, the monotony broken up only by receiving severe beatings with rubber truncheons from Chinese soldiers. Then you figure out why there's so few really old Buddhist monks, that plenty of these kids quit the monk business once they realize there's no money in it and there are other options in life, like getting some pussy, or a pair of pants and a shirt, maybe some shoes too.
Then you check out reports from Europe and notice that a lot of places over there are getting back into anti-Semitism and xenophobia in a big way. On the one hand they're going all Kumbaya on each other with this European Union and their standardized Euro currency and fair trade agreements, and on the other hand bitching and moaning about immigrants diluting their "cultural purity." Haven't we heard that term somewhere before? Rings a bell. Oh, yeah, the Nazis, that's right! The Japanese Empire too! Hitler, Hirohito, genocide, World War, that sort of thing. What, are Europeans getting nostalgic for that shit? How does that work, exactly? Is there a memory lapse virus going around on the Continent? Do they want things both ways, having peace and prosperity and their cherished nationalistic hatreds?
Not exactly compatible goals. Maybe they should read the science journals and catch up on the DNA news; there are no "pure" races, and we're all pretty much a bunch of mutts who have been humping one another and mixing our DNA since before we left our caves. And once we began sailing the 7 seas, all bets were off. How do people think Tiger Woods exists? He's a mix of the DNA of just about every continent and major island chain, and is obviously a guy just as driven as his far-flung ancestors to spread his seed. And wasn't that whole "Master Race" theory exposed as a fraud in 1945 when both claimants to that throne were soundly defeated by the "Mongrel Races" they sought to enslave? So you wonder what's on people's minds lately, and how things work.
And what about those cities in the Middle East where the rioters throw stones? Where do they get them? Do cities in the Middle East differ from cities everywhere else in the world by having an abundance of tennis ball-sized stones laying around, or are there stone vendors in those cities who spring into action like the umbrella vendors in New York City during a sudden rain storm? By definition, riots are spontaneous flare-ups, so you have to wonder how all this works.
So many things go on in this world that you just sort of take for granted until you think about them a little while. Take all those genocide campaigns in Africa. That sort of thing takes a whole lot of time and energy, especially since the weapons of choice seem to be the machete and the gasoline-soaked burning automobile tire around someone's neck. Where do all those machetes come from? Does everybody have one? Or the tires? You have to figure that there's a whole bunch of vehicles up on cinder blocks with the gas siphoned out of them when a good old genocide campaign gets going. Seems like an awful lot of trouble.
Why not just run them over? They obviously have plenty of cars around, and they would be far more efficient when the goal is to kill as many people as possible in a short time before those pesky United Nations troops show up. How much less time-consuming that would be than all that hacking and severing of limbs and jacking up cars to remove the tires and the siphoning of gasoline! Sounds a bit counter-productive, no? And don't they care about getting their clothes all messed up with grease, gasoline and blood? Sometimes it seems that these genocide slaughterers don't think these things all the way through.
And so you wonder. You look at pictures of Buddhist monks, and it dawns on you that half of them are young boys, like 11 or 12 and even younger. You're thinking, that's an awful young age to commit yourself to celibacy, poverty and everlasting prayer. You wonder maybe if for a lot of them it wasn't their idea to walk around barefoot with shaved heads wearing orange robes and chanting all day long, the monotony broken up only by receiving severe beatings with rubber truncheons from Chinese soldiers. Then you figure out why there's so few really old Buddhist monks, that plenty of these kids quit the monk business once they realize there's no money in it and there are other options in life, like getting some pussy, or a pair of pants and a shirt, maybe some shoes too.
Then you check out reports from Europe and notice that a lot of places over there are getting back into anti-Semitism and xenophobia in a big way. On the one hand they're going all Kumbaya on each other with this European Union and their standardized Euro currency and fair trade agreements, and on the other hand bitching and moaning about immigrants diluting their "cultural purity." Haven't we heard that term somewhere before? Rings a bell. Oh, yeah, the Nazis, that's right! The Japanese Empire too! Hitler, Hirohito, genocide, World War, that sort of thing. What, are Europeans getting nostalgic for that shit? How does that work, exactly? Is there a memory lapse virus going around on the Continent? Do they want things both ways, having peace and prosperity and their cherished nationalistic hatreds?
Not exactly compatible goals. Maybe they should read the science journals and catch up on the DNA news; there are no "pure" races, and we're all pretty much a bunch of mutts who have been humping one another and mixing our DNA since before we left our caves. And once we began sailing the 7 seas, all bets were off. How do people think Tiger Woods exists? He's a mix of the DNA of just about every continent and major island chain, and is obviously a guy just as driven as his far-flung ancestors to spread his seed. And wasn't that whole "Master Race" theory exposed as a fraud in 1945 when both claimants to that throne were soundly defeated by the "Mongrel Races" they sought to enslave? So you wonder what's on people's minds lately, and how things work.
December 30, 2009
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 595
God wants you to speak for Him about as much as you would want to sit in the passenger seat while a mouse drives your car. Probably less.
A DUELING AYATOLLAHS CIVIL WAR?
How little we have learned. It seems that every revolution is inspired by noble thoughts but winds up leaving one huge ingredient out that sort of festers until it explodes. With the American Revolution we forgot to abolish slavery right off the bat, and our shining democracy was tainted by nightmarish race relations for almost 200 years, even 100 years after a bloody civil war nearly split the nation apart over this issue. The French Revolution was doomed when the revolutionaries became even more murderous than their former oppressors. The Mexican Revolution merely replaced Spain with home grown tyrants who still grabbed all the wealth and left most of the nation in dire poverty.
Now Iran is poised for a do-over of their revolution of 30 years ago that left them with a tyrannical theocracy that makes the Shah look benevolent by comparison. But here they are following Dueling Ayatollahs, one freshly dead and one probably on this way there. The one crucial thing they are forgetting over there is to put a separation of church and state in place before they allow any new government to form. For decades they have seen first hand that there is no tyrant more cruel and bloodthirsty than one who is cruel and bloodthirsty in the name of God.
Geez, imagine having some of these born-again preachers we have around here anywhere near the reins of power and being in charge of guys with guns? Main Street, USA would be running with rivers of blood. Bad enough we have to listen to their hate-filled and warlike screeds in the name of The Prince of Peace. Imagine if they mattered? Imagine if they had their hands on America's nuclear arsenal? They'd be tripping over one another ushering the world into Armageddon, going all Rapture on our hapless asses.
Now there's anti-government riots in the streets of Iran and you hope that they've thought things through this time and have reconsidered that whole Islamic Republic deal. On the face of it, they don't seem to have done much reflection on the error of their ways of 30 years ago, when the Iranian Revolution introduced the world to one Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, as evil and murderous a prick as ever breathed. The first big parade held in Tehran to celebrate their revolution told the world what Iran would be like under Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khomeini.
Most prominent among the tortured "criminals" being paraded through the streets while people spat upon and stoned them was a little girl no more than 9 or 10. She was stripped completely naked, crying and blind with pain. She held up poorly bandaged bleeding stumps where her wrists ended and her hands used to be. Both her hands were tied together with a string and draped around her neck like a macabre necklace as she stumbled along, prodded by soldiers' rifles. Not even the most psychotic and cold serial killer could ever do this, or allow this to be done to a little girl. There is no possible or humanly imaginable offense a child could commit to merit this treatment.
No human being who witnessed this televised spectacle will ever forget the sight, or the sickening realization that this unspeakable act was being done in the name of God and religion. Or the equally sickening realization that those responsible for this little girl's grisly and perverted public torment were now in charge of a nation of 70 million souls. It was a hollow, revolting feeling and one can only imagine how Iranians felt at this moment of realization of what they had wrought. Their horror and despair had to be bottomless.
No secular tyrant could ever match the savagery of religious rulers, whether during the Spanish Inquisition of the 1500s or the Iranian Inquisition of 1979. And now the opposition to this government has been inspired by another Ayatollah, the late Hussein-Ali Montazeri, who was said to be a "Moderate." What the Iranians seem to forget is that this was the guy who was once the heir-apparent to Khomeini back in the day, a man who broke from the ruling council of Ayatollahs over the direction Khomeini's government was taking.
If there was something worse than what was done to that little girl, Ayatollah Montazeri took that secret to his grave. Presumably there must have been, since he seemed okay with the Khomeini regime for years, making him hardly the guy to rally around when forming a new government. What would a "Moderate Ayatollah" have done to that little girl, chop only one hand off, let her bleed only half to death? Will the new Iranian revolutionaries find another Ayatollah to lead them or will they show some brains and put an end to the murderous religious tyrants.
Persia has always been an educated and sophisticated nation, and Iran is Persia, and how they wound up with the horrible Jew-expelling, little girl-torturing government they have is a mystery. A civilization as old as any on the planet, Iran had been the most progressive and highly educated nation in the Middle East before Khomeini, and its citizens are nothing like the way they are being portrayed in reactionary Western news media outlets. Once they broke the chains of monarchy by ousting the Shah, they had a chance to become a major positive influence among Islamic nations.
Unfortunately, that didn't happen, they merely fitted themselves for new chains. Khomeini's first major policy decision was to take American Embassy personnel hostage for a year. While Iran had many legitimate gripes with the United States and the CIA, taking hostages, calling America The Great Satan, denouncing Western nations in general at every opportunity and openly funding terrorist groups didn't exactly sit too well with the rest of the word. Then Khomeini got Iran involved in a 10 year war with their neighbor Iraq that ended in a stalemate and all hopes of being once again the jewel of the Middle East were erased.
The gripe with Iraq was that the dictator there was the regular kind of tyrant as opposed to being a religious tyrant. Which shouldn't have bothered Khomeini since Saddam Hussein was every bit as horrible as he was, just not God horrible. Religious tyrants like their hypocrisy to be unanimous. Well, old Khomeini finally dropped dead and was replaced by the like-minded and similarly named Ayatollah Khamenei as Supreme Leader, and he proved to live up (or down?) to Khomeini's standards. That is, trying to turn a modern, sophisticated nation into a Medieval theocracy gripped with fear and hatred.
Only thing is, it's not working and the Iranian people want an end to this bloodthirsty, world-provoking regime. Unfortunately for this troubled nation, the new would-be revolutionaries have hitched their wagon to the late Ayatollah Montazeri, and thus have the makings of another religious dictatorship if they are successful in overthrowing the Islamic Republic. The better bet would be to install the plain old Iranian Republic, with no mention of Islam. It goes without saying that 98% of Iranians are and will remain Muslim, and that's fine and nobody else's business, especially not the government's. Few things matter less when it comes to the morality and worth of a people than what brand of religion they chose.
Once a government and a religion are joined, you have neither a government nor a religion. Governments are supposed to pave the streets, collect the garbage, establish courts of law and protect their citizens. Religions are supposed to be religions, and their importance varies from individual to individual, from being the most important thing in their life to being irrelevant, and no government can make a saint out of someone who doesn't believe. They can sure make them pretend to, of course, since people are nothing if not practical when it comes to keeping their heads attached to their shoulders.
When government and religion are one, who's paving the damned streets? When a religion is deciding what are your civil rights, watch out! The Iranian people need to ask themselves where they are going before they put this car in gear. They have an opportunity to show themselves and the world that they are reasonable people by forming a reasonable government. For 30 years they have tasted religious tyranny, and if it was working out for them there would be no riots in the streets of Tehran. The God Squad simply did not work out so well for them. Never did and never will.
Ask the millions of tortured and burned alive victims of the Inquisition how that worked out for them. Ask the citizens of Northern Ireland if "The Troubles" were worth it, when bombs and bullets flew in churches and schoolyards. Ask the Huguenots of France or the early Christians in Rome how the marriage of State and Religion worked out for them. Ask that little girl with the bloody stumps where her hands used to be. Oh, but we can't ask any of these people anything, can we? They are dead, killed by "God."
Now Iran is poised for a do-over of their revolution of 30 years ago that left them with a tyrannical theocracy that makes the Shah look benevolent by comparison. But here they are following Dueling Ayatollahs, one freshly dead and one probably on this way there. The one crucial thing they are forgetting over there is to put a separation of church and state in place before they allow any new government to form. For decades they have seen first hand that there is no tyrant more cruel and bloodthirsty than one who is cruel and bloodthirsty in the name of God.
Geez, imagine having some of these born-again preachers we have around here anywhere near the reins of power and being in charge of guys with guns? Main Street, USA would be running with rivers of blood. Bad enough we have to listen to their hate-filled and warlike screeds in the name of The Prince of Peace. Imagine if they mattered? Imagine if they had their hands on America's nuclear arsenal? They'd be tripping over one another ushering the world into Armageddon, going all Rapture on our hapless asses.
Now there's anti-government riots in the streets of Iran and you hope that they've thought things through this time and have reconsidered that whole Islamic Republic deal. On the face of it, they don't seem to have done much reflection on the error of their ways of 30 years ago, when the Iranian Revolution introduced the world to one Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, as evil and murderous a prick as ever breathed. The first big parade held in Tehran to celebrate their revolution told the world what Iran would be like under Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khomeini.
Most prominent among the tortured "criminals" being paraded through the streets while people spat upon and stoned them was a little girl no more than 9 or 10. She was stripped completely naked, crying and blind with pain. She held up poorly bandaged bleeding stumps where her wrists ended and her hands used to be. Both her hands were tied together with a string and draped around her neck like a macabre necklace as she stumbled along, prodded by soldiers' rifles. Not even the most psychotic and cold serial killer could ever do this, or allow this to be done to a little girl. There is no possible or humanly imaginable offense a child could commit to merit this treatment.
No human being who witnessed this televised spectacle will ever forget the sight, or the sickening realization that this unspeakable act was being done in the name of God and religion. Or the equally sickening realization that those responsible for this little girl's grisly and perverted public torment were now in charge of a nation of 70 million souls. It was a hollow, revolting feeling and one can only imagine how Iranians felt at this moment of realization of what they had wrought. Their horror and despair had to be bottomless.
No secular tyrant could ever match the savagery of religious rulers, whether during the Spanish Inquisition of the 1500s or the Iranian Inquisition of 1979. And now the opposition to this government has been inspired by another Ayatollah, the late Hussein-Ali Montazeri, who was said to be a "Moderate." What the Iranians seem to forget is that this was the guy who was once the heir-apparent to Khomeini back in the day, a man who broke from the ruling council of Ayatollahs over the direction Khomeini's government was taking.
If there was something worse than what was done to that little girl, Ayatollah Montazeri took that secret to his grave. Presumably there must have been, since he seemed okay with the Khomeini regime for years, making him hardly the guy to rally around when forming a new government. What would a "Moderate Ayatollah" have done to that little girl, chop only one hand off, let her bleed only half to death? Will the new Iranian revolutionaries find another Ayatollah to lead them or will they show some brains and put an end to the murderous religious tyrants.
Persia has always been an educated and sophisticated nation, and Iran is Persia, and how they wound up with the horrible Jew-expelling, little girl-torturing government they have is a mystery. A civilization as old as any on the planet, Iran had been the most progressive and highly educated nation in the Middle East before Khomeini, and its citizens are nothing like the way they are being portrayed in reactionary Western news media outlets. Once they broke the chains of monarchy by ousting the Shah, they had a chance to become a major positive influence among Islamic nations.
Unfortunately, that didn't happen, they merely fitted themselves for new chains. Khomeini's first major policy decision was to take American Embassy personnel hostage for a year. While Iran had many legitimate gripes with the United States and the CIA, taking hostages, calling America The Great Satan, denouncing Western nations in general at every opportunity and openly funding terrorist groups didn't exactly sit too well with the rest of the word. Then Khomeini got Iran involved in a 10 year war with their neighbor Iraq that ended in a stalemate and all hopes of being once again the jewel of the Middle East were erased.
The gripe with Iraq was that the dictator there was the regular kind of tyrant as opposed to being a religious tyrant. Which shouldn't have bothered Khomeini since Saddam Hussein was every bit as horrible as he was, just not God horrible. Religious tyrants like their hypocrisy to be unanimous. Well, old Khomeini finally dropped dead and was replaced by the like-minded and similarly named Ayatollah Khamenei as Supreme Leader, and he proved to live up (or down?) to Khomeini's standards. That is, trying to turn a modern, sophisticated nation into a Medieval theocracy gripped with fear and hatred.
Only thing is, it's not working and the Iranian people want an end to this bloodthirsty, world-provoking regime. Unfortunately for this troubled nation, the new would-be revolutionaries have hitched their wagon to the late Ayatollah Montazeri, and thus have the makings of another religious dictatorship if they are successful in overthrowing the Islamic Republic. The better bet would be to install the plain old Iranian Republic, with no mention of Islam. It goes without saying that 98% of Iranians are and will remain Muslim, and that's fine and nobody else's business, especially not the government's. Few things matter less when it comes to the morality and worth of a people than what brand of religion they chose.
Once a government and a religion are joined, you have neither a government nor a religion. Governments are supposed to pave the streets, collect the garbage, establish courts of law and protect their citizens. Religions are supposed to be religions, and their importance varies from individual to individual, from being the most important thing in their life to being irrelevant, and no government can make a saint out of someone who doesn't believe. They can sure make them pretend to, of course, since people are nothing if not practical when it comes to keeping their heads attached to their shoulders.
When government and religion are one, who's paving the damned streets? When a religion is deciding what are your civil rights, watch out! The Iranian people need to ask themselves where they are going before they put this car in gear. They have an opportunity to show themselves and the world that they are reasonable people by forming a reasonable government. For 30 years they have tasted religious tyranny, and if it was working out for them there would be no riots in the streets of Tehran. The God Squad simply did not work out so well for them. Never did and never will.
Ask the millions of tortured and burned alive victims of the Inquisition how that worked out for them. Ask the citizens of Northern Ireland if "The Troubles" were worth it, when bombs and bullets flew in churches and schoolyards. Ask the Huguenots of France or the early Christians in Rome how the marriage of State and Religion worked out for them. Ask that little girl with the bloody stumps where her hands used to be. Oh, but we can't ask any of these people anything, can we? They are dead, killed by "God."
December 29, 2009
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 594
Life is full of surprises, some of them decidedly unpleasant. Beware of out-of-control dump trucks, contaminated medical waste and veggie burgers.
HEADLINES WE'D ALL LIKE TO SEE
Got to admit, 2009 was one lousy year for headlines. If it wasn't for Tiger Woods riding to the rescue to provide some comedy relief with his 14 identical girlfriends as the year drew to a close, it would have been a clean sweep for bad news. Tiger saved the day for like, 3 weeks straight, and if it cost him his marriage, well, what the hell, he's only a golfer and a celebrity, not a real person. Besides, the guy cheated his way into being a billionaire by being an athlete. Everyone knows golf is not an actual sport, its a game for soft, out-of-shape husbands who don't like home life all that much!
Of course an athlete would excel at something like that. Not only did Tiger Woods hijack their pitty-pat little game that involves no running, no heavy exertion and no defense (basically walking around slowly for an afternoon) he outdid them all in extra-marital activities. Serves him right to lose a couple of hundred mil. Hell, he's got plenty more where that came from. Anyway, he did us all a favor by knocking Mr. Bad News off the front pages for a few weeks. Hopefully the coming New Year will provide some more upbeat headlines for a long overdue change. Maybe stuff like this:
OBAMA ENDS BOTH WARS! TROOPS BEGIN PULLING OUT IMMEDIATELY. PRESIDENT DECLARES: "WHAT WERE WE THINKING?"
MAJOR MUSLIM HEADS OF STATE AND RELIGIOUS LEADERS CONDEMN TERRORISM IN THE NAME OF ISLAM. PAKISTAN HANDS OVER OSAMA BIN LADEN
GOLDMAN SACHS VOTES TO AWARD BONUSES TO THEIR INVESTORS AND CUSTOMERS
CHEEZ-WHIZ FOUND TO CURE CANCER!
SOCCER OUTLAWED IN AMERICA. CONGRESS: "SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING NEXT!"
PATRIOT ACT REPEALED, BILL OF RIGHTS RESTORED!
DICK CHENEY TO MARRY KARL ROVE IN MASSACHUSETTS
BUSH THE YOUNGER ARRESTED FOR WAR CRIMES, HEADED FOR THE HAGUE IN HANDCUFFS. PLANS "STUPIDITY DEFENSE," BLAMES MR. AND MR. CHENEY!
TALIBAN OUSTED FROM POWER IN PEACEFUL AFGHAN ELECTIONS, ORDERLY TRANSITION OCCURS.
INVENTOR ANNOUNCES PETROLEUM'S REPLACEMENT: GREENHOUSE GASSES! PERFECT ECOLOGICAL BALANCE ACHIEVED!
SIMON COWELL BEATEN INTO A COMA BY SUSAN BOYLE!
STEVE McQUEEN VOTED COOLEST DEAD WHITE GUY EVER. LEAST COOL DEAD WHITE GUY: RICHARD NIXON
SARAH PALIN ATTACKED BY ROGUE MOOSE, MAKEUP SMEARED, GUCCI TOOLED-LEATHER RIFLE SLING DAMAGED
WEALTHY PEOPLE VOLUNTEER TO PAY TAXES AGAIN
UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE PASSED ALMOST UNANIMOUSLY, COVERING EVERY AMERICAN EXCEPT JOE LIEBERMAN
NEW ENERGY SOURCE AND AGRICULTURAL METHODS END WORLD HUNGER! SALLY STRUTHERS RETIRES.
POPE ADMITS HE HAS NO IDEA WHY HE WEARS THAT POINTY HAT
ALIENS ABDUCT SMART GUY FROM BIG CITY
CANADA FINALLY FORMS AN OPINION ON SOMETHING! DETAILS TO FOLLOW IN NEXT DECADE OR TWO
Of course an athlete would excel at something like that. Not only did Tiger Woods hijack their pitty-pat little game that involves no running, no heavy exertion and no defense (basically walking around slowly for an afternoon) he outdid them all in extra-marital activities. Serves him right to lose a couple of hundred mil. Hell, he's got plenty more where that came from. Anyway, he did us all a favor by knocking Mr. Bad News off the front pages for a few weeks. Hopefully the coming New Year will provide some more upbeat headlines for a long overdue change. Maybe stuff like this:
OBAMA ENDS BOTH WARS! TROOPS BEGIN PULLING OUT IMMEDIATELY. PRESIDENT DECLARES: "WHAT WERE WE THINKING?"
MAJOR MUSLIM HEADS OF STATE AND RELIGIOUS LEADERS CONDEMN TERRORISM IN THE NAME OF ISLAM. PAKISTAN HANDS OVER OSAMA BIN LADEN
GOLDMAN SACHS VOTES TO AWARD BONUSES TO THEIR INVESTORS AND CUSTOMERS
CHEEZ-WHIZ FOUND TO CURE CANCER!
SOCCER OUTLAWED IN AMERICA. CONGRESS: "SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING NEXT!"
PATRIOT ACT REPEALED, BILL OF RIGHTS RESTORED!
DICK CHENEY TO MARRY KARL ROVE IN MASSACHUSETTS
BUSH THE YOUNGER ARRESTED FOR WAR CRIMES, HEADED FOR THE HAGUE IN HANDCUFFS. PLANS "STUPIDITY DEFENSE," BLAMES MR. AND MR. CHENEY!
TALIBAN OUSTED FROM POWER IN PEACEFUL AFGHAN ELECTIONS, ORDERLY TRANSITION OCCURS.
INVENTOR ANNOUNCES PETROLEUM'S REPLACEMENT: GREENHOUSE GASSES! PERFECT ECOLOGICAL BALANCE ACHIEVED!
SIMON COWELL BEATEN INTO A COMA BY SUSAN BOYLE!
STEVE McQUEEN VOTED COOLEST DEAD WHITE GUY EVER. LEAST COOL DEAD WHITE GUY: RICHARD NIXON
SARAH PALIN ATTACKED BY ROGUE MOOSE, MAKEUP SMEARED, GUCCI TOOLED-LEATHER RIFLE SLING DAMAGED
WEALTHY PEOPLE VOLUNTEER TO PAY TAXES AGAIN
UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE PASSED ALMOST UNANIMOUSLY, COVERING EVERY AMERICAN EXCEPT JOE LIEBERMAN
NEW ENERGY SOURCE AND AGRICULTURAL METHODS END WORLD HUNGER! SALLY STRUTHERS RETIRES.
POPE ADMITS HE HAS NO IDEA WHY HE WEARS THAT POINTY HAT
ALIENS ABDUCT SMART GUY FROM BIG CITY
CANADA FINALLY FORMS AN OPINION ON SOMETHING! DETAILS TO FOLLOW IN NEXT DECADE OR TWO
December 28, 2009
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 593
Being the most genial racist around means about as much as being the kindest serial ax murderer ever. Nice try, but not that nice. Go away.
PREDICTIONS FOR LAST YEAR
Last week bobcrespo.com published the obligatory "predictions for 2010," the usual bag of hot air for forums of this sort. We are well aware of what a crap shoot (and a load of crap) that is, and almost none of the predictions will come to pass, which is about the same track record as everyone else has when it comes to fortune telling. So, today we go with a bunch of predictions that have a 100% chance of being true, since they already happened. Whatever the slim odds of something occurring are beforehand, well, once it happens, those figure go right out the window.
For example, in 2008, the odds that all the world's largest banks, mortgage lenders and insurance companies would engage in criminal acts that nearly bankrupted the whole world's economies were 100%, a sure thing, while in 2007 that same prediction would be a million-to-one shot. See, that's the beauty of predicting the past, you can hit the bullseye every time! They'll be calling us Nostradamus Junior soon. So, being that the year is almost over, here is bobcrespo.com's 20 SURE SHOT PREDICTIONS FOR 2009:
1. Michael Jackson will die unexpectedly while preparing for a big comeback. There, that was easy, no?
2. The lousy economic situation left over from 2008 will continue to suck, the serious recession deepening with near-record home foreclosures and high unemployment. On the plus side, the super-wealthy bankers will begin collecting huge bonuses from other people's money again.
3. Barack Obama, the first black President of the United States, will take office, making history and world headlines. We're on a roll now!
4. The second most famous half-black man in the world, Tiger Woods, will make world headlines by having 14 girlfriends that look exactly like his wife, displaying the tenacious consistency that made him the best golfer in the world, which, truth be told, is the less impressive accomplishment. Hell, even fat guys can be great golfers, but few people can have 15 identical women.
5. In several desperate efforts to remain relevant, the disgraced right wingers in America will ensure their continued downward spiral by dusting off Shotgun Dick Cheney to do a media tour saying the most hateful things imaginable, Glen Beck will be promoted as the Second Coming of Rush Limbaugh and The Republican Party will unveil Michael Steele as their official House Nigger.
6. Senator Ted Kennedy will die of brain cancer, which will turn out to be a blessing for him since he won't have to witness his fellow Senators flush his life's work down the crapper by turning the Health Care Reform Bill into an endorsement for The Way Things Already Are, reforming nothing while earnestly lining their own pockets with hefty bribes.
7. We're going out on a limb here and predicting a story for nearly the very end of 2009, when we predict there will be a huge blizzard over the entire Northeast United States a week before Christmas. Which is not the big story here since, what the hell, it will be December and these things happen. The big story will be that television weather reporters will continue to be surprised when it snows in the winter in places where it frequently snows in the winter. This will once again bring high praise for TV stations for hiring the mentally handicapped as weather reporters.
8. In entertainment news, men will find out from their wives and girlfriends that Oprah Winfrey announced that she will quit her television show, which will come as a big surprise to them since they were only vaguely aware of the Oprah Winfrey Show and weren't certain if it was still on the air or not.
9. The President of The United States will both escalate the war in Afghanistan and win the Nobel Peace Prize. That sounds like a pretty insane prediction, but we guarantee it will come true! What can you expect from a Peace Prize named after the the guy who invented dynamite? If not for their beautiful blonde women, no one would pay any mind to Sweden or their whacky prizes.
10. Rod Blagojevich will be impeached as the Governor of Illinois for trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat, the first of 2 State Governors to get in trouble in 2009. The other guy will be Mark Sanford, who will at least get famous in the time-honored Disgraced Governor Tradition, a good old All-American Sex Scandal. Fittingly, Sanford will keep his job while Blagojevich will be impeached. If only Blagojevich tried to trade the Senate seat for some pussy instead of money, he'd still be running things in Illinois.
11. Bernie Madoff, age 70 and the poster boy for Guys Who Are Already Super Rich But Steal Anyway, will be sentenced to 150 years in prison. In a related story, most of America's veteran bank robbers and stickup artists will weigh the $150 billion he stole against his advanced age, and agree it was well worth it, figuring old age is no picnic no matter where you spend it, in a penthouse or the Big House, and he got away with it his whole life.
12. A relatively mild strain of the fu will spread, just like every year, but this one will cause worldwide panic and be named after pigs; Swine Flu. Scientists will call it a pandemic and it will kill 10,000 people worldwide in 2009, about as many as will die of starvation every 6 hours and 20 minutes, which will cause no one lose a minute's sleep.
13. Nerds all over the world will rejoice when another dumb ass Harrry Potter movie is released.
14. Not to be outdone by movie nerds, political nerds will bring Sarah Palin back out of obscurity after she quits her job as Governor of Alaska because it's boring. Ms Palin will then release an "autobiography" written by a someone with an actual command of the English language and take up where she left off in 2008, saying incredibly stupid things to audiences of incredibly stupid people. This will somehow pass as news.
15. Bobcrespo.com will be declared The World's Second Best Website for the second year in a row, by Bob Crespo.
16.Nobody will capture Osama bin Laden but several more of his "#2 men" will be slain by robot predator aircraft, making the job of being # 2 man in al Qaeda the Worst Job Ever according to high school guidance counselors.
17. Making official what has been happening for decades, 2 out of the Big 3 American auto makers will file for Bankruptcy, claiming that they were victims of unfair business practices because foreign auto makers manufactured better cars and sold them for reasonable prices. The United States government lends them billions of dollars anyway.
18. There will be a Global Warming Conference in the freezing cold city of Copenhagen, Denmark, where representatives of every nation on Earth will command the planet not to warm up by more than 3 degrees. Planet Earth will issues a terse " no comment," several volcanic eruptions and a couple of giant blizzards.
19. We're going to go out on a limb here and provide the exact date and time of this prediction: On January 15th, 2009, at precisely 3:31 P.M., Eastern Standard Time, a jet plane carrying 158 people from New York's LaGuardia airport will experience double engine failure due to sucking in a bunch of geese, but will not crash. Instead, it will be landed safely by her pilot, Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, in the Hudson River, a stone's throw from Manhattan, with no loss of life and only several minor injuries. Sully will instantly become the most popular man in America.
20. For the 142nd straight year in Canada, nothing of any interest will occur. What doesn't happen in Canada, stays in Canada, thank God.
And there you go, a list of predictions that will all come true. Ta-da! Don't know why we didn't think of this sooner. Maybe we'll do 1976 soon. Meanwhile, have a Happy New Year and don't make any ridiculous resolutions you'll never keep. Here's a good one: Visit bobcrespo.com every day and check out all the changes that will be added to the site in 2010. It is, after all, The World's Second Best Website. That's true, and you can look it up. On bobcrespo.com.
For example, in 2008, the odds that all the world's largest banks, mortgage lenders and insurance companies would engage in criminal acts that nearly bankrupted the whole world's economies were 100%, a sure thing, while in 2007 that same prediction would be a million-to-one shot. See, that's the beauty of predicting the past, you can hit the bullseye every time! They'll be calling us Nostradamus Junior soon. So, being that the year is almost over, here is bobcrespo.com's 20 SURE SHOT PREDICTIONS FOR 2009:
1. Michael Jackson will die unexpectedly while preparing for a big comeback. There, that was easy, no?
2. The lousy economic situation left over from 2008 will continue to suck, the serious recession deepening with near-record home foreclosures and high unemployment. On the plus side, the super-wealthy bankers will begin collecting huge bonuses from other people's money again.
3. Barack Obama, the first black President of the United States, will take office, making history and world headlines. We're on a roll now!
4. The second most famous half-black man in the world, Tiger Woods, will make world headlines by having 14 girlfriends that look exactly like his wife, displaying the tenacious consistency that made him the best golfer in the world, which, truth be told, is the less impressive accomplishment. Hell, even fat guys can be great golfers, but few people can have 15 identical women.
5. In several desperate efforts to remain relevant, the disgraced right wingers in America will ensure their continued downward spiral by dusting off Shotgun Dick Cheney to do a media tour saying the most hateful things imaginable, Glen Beck will be promoted as the Second Coming of Rush Limbaugh and The Republican Party will unveil Michael Steele as their official House Nigger.
6. Senator Ted Kennedy will die of brain cancer, which will turn out to be a blessing for him since he won't have to witness his fellow Senators flush his life's work down the crapper by turning the Health Care Reform Bill into an endorsement for The Way Things Already Are, reforming nothing while earnestly lining their own pockets with hefty bribes.
7. We're going out on a limb here and predicting a story for nearly the very end of 2009, when we predict there will be a huge blizzard over the entire Northeast United States a week before Christmas. Which is not the big story here since, what the hell, it will be December and these things happen. The big story will be that television weather reporters will continue to be surprised when it snows in the winter in places where it frequently snows in the winter. This will once again bring high praise for TV stations for hiring the mentally handicapped as weather reporters.
8. In entertainment news, men will find out from their wives and girlfriends that Oprah Winfrey announced that she will quit her television show, which will come as a big surprise to them since they were only vaguely aware of the Oprah Winfrey Show and weren't certain if it was still on the air or not.
9. The President of The United States will both escalate the war in Afghanistan and win the Nobel Peace Prize. That sounds like a pretty insane prediction, but we guarantee it will come true! What can you expect from a Peace Prize named after the the guy who invented dynamite? If not for their beautiful blonde women, no one would pay any mind to Sweden or their whacky prizes.
10. Rod Blagojevich will be impeached as the Governor of Illinois for trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat, the first of 2 State Governors to get in trouble in 2009. The other guy will be Mark Sanford, who will at least get famous in the time-honored Disgraced Governor Tradition, a good old All-American Sex Scandal. Fittingly, Sanford will keep his job while Blagojevich will be impeached. If only Blagojevich tried to trade the Senate seat for some pussy instead of money, he'd still be running things in Illinois.
11. Bernie Madoff, age 70 and the poster boy for Guys Who Are Already Super Rich But Steal Anyway, will be sentenced to 150 years in prison. In a related story, most of America's veteran bank robbers and stickup artists will weigh the $150 billion he stole against his advanced age, and agree it was well worth it, figuring old age is no picnic no matter where you spend it, in a penthouse or the Big House, and he got away with it his whole life.
12. A relatively mild strain of the fu will spread, just like every year, but this one will cause worldwide panic and be named after pigs; Swine Flu. Scientists will call it a pandemic and it will kill 10,000 people worldwide in 2009, about as many as will die of starvation every 6 hours and 20 minutes, which will cause no one lose a minute's sleep.
13. Nerds all over the world will rejoice when another dumb ass Harrry Potter movie is released.
14. Not to be outdone by movie nerds, political nerds will bring Sarah Palin back out of obscurity after she quits her job as Governor of Alaska because it's boring. Ms Palin will then release an "autobiography" written by a someone with an actual command of the English language and take up where she left off in 2008, saying incredibly stupid things to audiences of incredibly stupid people. This will somehow pass as news.
15. Bobcrespo.com will be declared The World's Second Best Website for the second year in a row, by Bob Crespo.
16.Nobody will capture Osama bin Laden but several more of his "#2 men" will be slain by robot predator aircraft, making the job of being # 2 man in al Qaeda the Worst Job Ever according to high school guidance counselors.
17. Making official what has been happening for decades, 2 out of the Big 3 American auto makers will file for Bankruptcy, claiming that they were victims of unfair business practices because foreign auto makers manufactured better cars and sold them for reasonable prices. The United States government lends them billions of dollars anyway.
18. There will be a Global Warming Conference in the freezing cold city of Copenhagen, Denmark, where representatives of every nation on Earth will command the planet not to warm up by more than 3 degrees. Planet Earth will issues a terse " no comment," several volcanic eruptions and a couple of giant blizzards.
19. We're going to go out on a limb here and provide the exact date and time of this prediction: On January 15th, 2009, at precisely 3:31 P.M., Eastern Standard Time, a jet plane carrying 158 people from New York's LaGuardia airport will experience double engine failure due to sucking in a bunch of geese, but will not crash. Instead, it will be landed safely by her pilot, Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, in the Hudson River, a stone's throw from Manhattan, with no loss of life and only several minor injuries. Sully will instantly become the most popular man in America.
20. For the 142nd straight year in Canada, nothing of any interest will occur. What doesn't happen in Canada, stays in Canada, thank God.
And there you go, a list of predictions that will all come true. Ta-da! Don't know why we didn't think of this sooner. Maybe we'll do 1976 soon. Meanwhile, have a Happy New Year and don't make any ridiculous resolutions you'll never keep. Here's a good one: Visit bobcrespo.com every day and check out all the changes that will be added to the site in 2010. It is, after all, The World's Second Best Website. That's true, and you can look it up. On bobcrespo.com.
December 27, 2009
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 592
Before we get all weepy about the power of our computers, remember that Albert Einstein performed the most difficult mental feats in the history of computing with only the aid of pencil and paper. Even super computers cannot write poems or stories or formulate complex theories. The insight, intuitive leaps and creativity of the human brain can't be matched or replaced.
RECALCULATING...
Got to love those Global Positioning Satellite devices, GPS for short. They sure know the way, even if you don't. When you make a wrong turn, the soothing female voice reassures you that you won't get hopelessly lost by announcing that she is "recalculating." Sure enough, she instructs you to drive .7 miles and make a left, then a right, then keep right and merge. It's so damned sexy the way she purrs the word "mmhuurge." Before you know it, you're back on track and soon she will be triumphantly suggestively announcing that you are "arriving at your destination, on left!" It's all you can do to control yourself at that point.
The GPS lady is your muse, your secret friend, an unflappably calm presence that makes traveling into unfamiliar territory so much less traumatic. Once you get out of the car, though, there's no one to guide you. All the calculations are your own at that point and you have to deal with other people all by your lonesome. And yourself too. There are no satellite maps to negotiate human hearts, yours or theirs, and no calm instructions coming your way from a sweet disembodied voice advising you how best to proceed.
People are tricky and unpredictable, never quite what they seem to be. Full of surprises, every one of us, and often we even surprise the person we know best, ourselves. You want to deal honestly and civilly with everyone you meet and hope that treatment is returned. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case, and some people are hostile, secretive and resentful for no apparent reason. That would be a good time for the GPS lady to pipe up and recalculate things for you, but she's back in the car, recharging her batteries.
And then there's life, Lord help us. Life is messy and full of any number of possible routes to follow, again with no soothing GPS lady to guide you when you make a whole bunch of wrong turns. How do you know they're wrong turns when there's no map or any specific destination and so many damned choices? Simple, you feel lost and out of sorts, and things just feel wrong. You don't need a computer to tell you you're not in Kansas anymore. At this point, it is up to you to recalculate, maybe even take the radical step of stopping to ask directions. What, you're the first one to ever get lost? Hardly.
Only trouble is, the only ones you can ask for directions are other people, and who knows which of them has a clue about this road we're on? Who can we trust? What is the safe way to proceed? Who's got the answers? Why did so-and-so disappear from my life, my trusted rock in a sea of turmoil? That still hurts so much and I'm so afraid! How can I cope on my own? "GPS lady, help me!," you silently scream, but there is no reply, only you and your heart and your brain, left to your own devices in a place you've never been before: this moment. There's nothing you can do about yesterday, and all the other yesterdays when you made so many wrong turns, there is only NOW.
As in "now what?" At this point you've got to realize that you are not really alone. There's almost 7 billion people on this planet taking the same journey as you, so it stands to reason that at least some of them know what's what. And you might know things some of them don't. So you get together with others, compare notes and take that great leap of faith and once again learn to trust another human being, another person who by definition is just as prone to mistakes and poor judgement as yourself.
Pretty scary stuff, but at this point, when you are hopelessly lost, you've pretty much figured out who not to ask for help and who not to trust. And so you open your heart and mind once again, even though you've been burned before. Maybe you've been hurt badly by love gone wrong, or by grievous loss, or by being mistreated by people you thought were on your side. You have built walls around your heart to protect yourself, and figured you'd do better on your own. But that didn't work out at all and now you are lonely, you are isolated, you are sad, and very lost.
You're smart enough now to realize that doesn't make any sense in a world full of people, most of whom are good eggs trying to do their best with this life and their journey through it. So you connect again, share yourself with people, and maybe even fall in love again, that scariest of all unknowns. Will you get burned again, or will you find your way and start taking all the right turns and merging seamlessly into the flow of life's heavy traffic? You'll never know until you open your heart. It dawns on you that there is no half way, it's either wide open or slammed shut. Love is the answer, no matter what the question, and people are our guideposts through this chaotic, messy, difficult, exasperating, challenging and completely wonderful adventure called life. Recalculating...
The GPS lady is your muse, your secret friend, an unflappably calm presence that makes traveling into unfamiliar territory so much less traumatic. Once you get out of the car, though, there's no one to guide you. All the calculations are your own at that point and you have to deal with other people all by your lonesome. And yourself too. There are no satellite maps to negotiate human hearts, yours or theirs, and no calm instructions coming your way from a sweet disembodied voice advising you how best to proceed.
People are tricky and unpredictable, never quite what they seem to be. Full of surprises, every one of us, and often we even surprise the person we know best, ourselves. You want to deal honestly and civilly with everyone you meet and hope that treatment is returned. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case, and some people are hostile, secretive and resentful for no apparent reason. That would be a good time for the GPS lady to pipe up and recalculate things for you, but she's back in the car, recharging her batteries.
And then there's life, Lord help us. Life is messy and full of any number of possible routes to follow, again with no soothing GPS lady to guide you when you make a whole bunch of wrong turns. How do you know they're wrong turns when there's no map or any specific destination and so many damned choices? Simple, you feel lost and out of sorts, and things just feel wrong. You don't need a computer to tell you you're not in Kansas anymore. At this point, it is up to you to recalculate, maybe even take the radical step of stopping to ask directions. What, you're the first one to ever get lost? Hardly.
Only trouble is, the only ones you can ask for directions are other people, and who knows which of them has a clue about this road we're on? Who can we trust? What is the safe way to proceed? Who's got the answers? Why did so-and-so disappear from my life, my trusted rock in a sea of turmoil? That still hurts so much and I'm so afraid! How can I cope on my own? "GPS lady, help me!," you silently scream, but there is no reply, only you and your heart and your brain, left to your own devices in a place you've never been before: this moment. There's nothing you can do about yesterday, and all the other yesterdays when you made so many wrong turns, there is only NOW.
As in "now what?" At this point you've got to realize that you are not really alone. There's almost 7 billion people on this planet taking the same journey as you, so it stands to reason that at least some of them know what's what. And you might know things some of them don't. So you get together with others, compare notes and take that great leap of faith and once again learn to trust another human being, another person who by definition is just as prone to mistakes and poor judgement as yourself.
Pretty scary stuff, but at this point, when you are hopelessly lost, you've pretty much figured out who not to ask for help and who not to trust. And so you open your heart and mind once again, even though you've been burned before. Maybe you've been hurt badly by love gone wrong, or by grievous loss, or by being mistreated by people you thought were on your side. You have built walls around your heart to protect yourself, and figured you'd do better on your own. But that didn't work out at all and now you are lonely, you are isolated, you are sad, and very lost.
You're smart enough now to realize that doesn't make any sense in a world full of people, most of whom are good eggs trying to do their best with this life and their journey through it. So you connect again, share yourself with people, and maybe even fall in love again, that scariest of all unknowns. Will you get burned again, or will you find your way and start taking all the right turns and merging seamlessly into the flow of life's heavy traffic? You'll never know until you open your heart. It dawns on you that there is no half way, it's either wide open or slammed shut. Love is the answer, no matter what the question, and people are our guideposts through this chaotic, messy, difficult, exasperating, challenging and completely wonderful adventure called life. Recalculating...
December 25, 2009
EASY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Yes, that's right, it's that time of year. Christmas is over, you got a little fatter, abused your liver a little more and you're broke again. Same shit, different year. So now it's time to make some New Year's resolutions on the off-chance that you're not going to fuck next year up like you did this one, and a whole bunch of other ones too. Just be glad it's not a leap year with that extra day to screw the pooch. Trouble is, at this point you know yourself, and you figure that making resolutions is just one more way to let yourself down and feel like shit. You know damned well you're not going to control your cholesterol, or cut down on your drinking or be a regular at some fool gymnasium.
As a matter of fact, you're long past the point of even purchasing a gym membership to impress yourself or others, and the only six pack you're looking forward to is not located on your abdomen. Underneath it is more like it. But still, you haven't totally given up on yourself and you're not a complete wreck just yet, and it is traditional to make New year's resolutions. So you aim a little lower than attaining financial independence, the heart rate of a 20 year-old and singlehandedly bringing about world peace. You're looking for a few things that are at least doable for someone as fun loving and with as little will power as yourself. Try some of these:
Tell more lies: This one's a snap. Lie about your weight, your age, how much you drink, or smoke, or whatever it is people break your balls about. Why not? It's not like they give a rat's ass about you anyway, they just get on your case to be cruel and to feel better about their own miserable selves by acting superior to someone. Let them find another patsy this year.
Swear off Japanese models: It's not exactly like you're swimming in exotic Asian babes anyway, so make it a resolution that you're not going to get romantically involved with some drop-dead gorgeous Japanese girl with a sexy accent and a captivating laugh. Piece of cake.
Give up sacrifice: This one's perfect for Lent, too. Promise yourself you're not going to make some self-righteous hollow declaration to prove you are better than others by depriving yourself of any of life's little pleasures. Why be some showoff martyr?
Avoid pompous assholes: You already do this, so why not make it official and turn it into a virtue?
Promise that if a pompous asshole is on fire, you'll piss on him: With this resolution, you can at least claim to be a humanitarian. Sort of.
Swear to be a better person: Between the horrible year you just had and your resolution to extinguish flaming assholes, this one should be low-hanging grapes.
Save some money: Okay, you know full well that you're not going to score with every New Year's resolution, but throw this one in for the hell of it. Just in case lightning strikes and you come into some money, try not to blow it all.
Lose weight swiftly: This can be attained in several ways besides tedious dieting and exercise. The only drawback is that week-long drug and sex binges with addict prostitutes sort of cancels out the "save some money" resolution, but you will lose weight in a hurry. Just use condoms if you don't want to lose all your weight.
Be kinder to animals: In other words, don't starve another dog to death when you're on one of your week-long drug and sex binges. That's always a chore explaining the smell to the neighbors.
Get a job: That might help in the old self-esteem department. How long can you rob liquor stores and 7-11s for a living anyway?
Get a new car: You need a new M.O. anyway. Switch from holdups to car theft. Far fewer car thieves than stickup artists get caught, and you can ride in style for a night or two before selling it to a reliable chop shop.
Be mindful of your parole officer: Another pressing reason to get a job. Those people can be pretty unreasonable.
Go to church more: A good place to meet women. Lonely, sexually repressed women with good jobs and apartments who will feel guilty for doing what you're doing together and try to convince herself she can change you. That should take care of January, after which she'll repent and toss your hoodlum ass out.
Visit different churches: Word gets out. What about February?
Be more charitable: Stop robbing the poor boxes at all those churches you've been visiting and automatically more money will go to charity.
Volunteer your time for a worthy cause: Charities, hospitals and soup kitchens are also great places to meet lonely women who want to save you.
Redecorate: A little plaster to fill the holes you punched in the walls when your church lady girlfriend dumped you is cheap and easy, and so is a can of Lysol to get rid of that dead dog smell. And new bed sheets for the windows wouldn't hurt either, and are a lot cheaper than curtains.
Relocate: At some point in the New Year, this might be the smarter move than redecorating, especially when you take into consideration the disgruntled girlfriends, the testy parole officer, the detectives closing in on you and the landlord bitching about the stink and all the holes in the walls. It's in your best interests, really, and maybe you might consider not getting another dog anytime soon. You haven't exactly been doing them any favors lately.
Try these simple and easy to keep New Year's resolutions and you can feel like a decent human being again! Of course that will wear off swiftly, but that's just the way it goes with New Year's resolutions; here today, gone tomorrow. At least you haven't promised yourself anything too dramatic, so your depression won't be quite as deep as usual and there will be fewer holes in your new apartment walls.
As a matter of fact, you're long past the point of even purchasing a gym membership to impress yourself or others, and the only six pack you're looking forward to is not located on your abdomen. Underneath it is more like it. But still, you haven't totally given up on yourself and you're not a complete wreck just yet, and it is traditional to make New year's resolutions. So you aim a little lower than attaining financial independence, the heart rate of a 20 year-old and singlehandedly bringing about world peace. You're looking for a few things that are at least doable for someone as fun loving and with as little will power as yourself. Try some of these:
Tell more lies: This one's a snap. Lie about your weight, your age, how much you drink, or smoke, or whatever it is people break your balls about. Why not? It's not like they give a rat's ass about you anyway, they just get on your case to be cruel and to feel better about their own miserable selves by acting superior to someone. Let them find another patsy this year.
Swear off Japanese models: It's not exactly like you're swimming in exotic Asian babes anyway, so make it a resolution that you're not going to get romantically involved with some drop-dead gorgeous Japanese girl with a sexy accent and a captivating laugh. Piece of cake.
Give up sacrifice: This one's perfect for Lent, too. Promise yourself you're not going to make some self-righteous hollow declaration to prove you are better than others by depriving yourself of any of life's little pleasures. Why be some showoff martyr?
Avoid pompous assholes: You already do this, so why not make it official and turn it into a virtue?
Promise that if a pompous asshole is on fire, you'll piss on him: With this resolution, you can at least claim to be a humanitarian. Sort of.
Swear to be a better person: Between the horrible year you just had and your resolution to extinguish flaming assholes, this one should be low-hanging grapes.
Save some money: Okay, you know full well that you're not going to score with every New Year's resolution, but throw this one in for the hell of it. Just in case lightning strikes and you come into some money, try not to blow it all.
Lose weight swiftly: This can be attained in several ways besides tedious dieting and exercise. The only drawback is that week-long drug and sex binges with addict prostitutes sort of cancels out the "save some money" resolution, but you will lose weight in a hurry. Just use condoms if you don't want to lose all your weight.
Be kinder to animals: In other words, don't starve another dog to death when you're on one of your week-long drug and sex binges. That's always a chore explaining the smell to the neighbors.
Get a job: That might help in the old self-esteem department. How long can you rob liquor stores and 7-11s for a living anyway?
Get a new car: You need a new M.O. anyway. Switch from holdups to car theft. Far fewer car thieves than stickup artists get caught, and you can ride in style for a night or two before selling it to a reliable chop shop.
Be mindful of your parole officer: Another pressing reason to get a job. Those people can be pretty unreasonable.
Go to church more: A good place to meet women. Lonely, sexually repressed women with good jobs and apartments who will feel guilty for doing what you're doing together and try to convince herself she can change you. That should take care of January, after which she'll repent and toss your hoodlum ass out.
Visit different churches: Word gets out. What about February?
Be more charitable: Stop robbing the poor boxes at all those churches you've been visiting and automatically more money will go to charity.
Volunteer your time for a worthy cause: Charities, hospitals and soup kitchens are also great places to meet lonely women who want to save you.
Redecorate: A little plaster to fill the holes you punched in the walls when your church lady girlfriend dumped you is cheap and easy, and so is a can of Lysol to get rid of that dead dog smell. And new bed sheets for the windows wouldn't hurt either, and are a lot cheaper than curtains.
Relocate: At some point in the New Year, this might be the smarter move than redecorating, especially when you take into consideration the disgruntled girlfriends, the testy parole officer, the detectives closing in on you and the landlord bitching about the stink and all the holes in the walls. It's in your best interests, really, and maybe you might consider not getting another dog anytime soon. You haven't exactly been doing them any favors lately.
Try these simple and easy to keep New Year's resolutions and you can feel like a decent human being again! Of course that will wear off swiftly, but that's just the way it goes with New Year's resolutions; here today, gone tomorrow. At least you haven't promised yourself anything too dramatic, so your depression won't be quite as deep as usual and there will be fewer holes in your new apartment walls.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 590
In life, it is the journey, not the destination, that makes the trip worthwhile.
DO WE REALLY WANT TO BE SAVED? AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?
No one really wants to see the Messiah come, whatever we say about the matter. We're so wrapped up in believing in such a thing that the reality of it would ruin a way of life. Perhaps that is God's greatest gift to us, something to live for and the faith that fills our hearts. Religious faith is so very important to so many people. Their faith shapes their entire existence and defines their relationships to other people, for better or worse. Ideally it is for the better, but that's not a unanimous reaction to deep faith.
For all the good religions have done, all the meaning they have put into so many lives, the powerful moral lessons imparted, the charitable acts performed and the love drawn from so many opened hearts, there is an ugly flip side to organized religions, every last one of them. With out getting into the ugly particulars, the wars, the torture, the oppression, hatred and guilt, the rapacious theft of wealth, the petty usurpation of power and dubious authority and who did to what to whom in the name of God, religion has a lot to answer for. Many sins to be atoned, if you will.
So many of our faiths believe in a Redeemer, a Messiah, a cleanser of this world and eraser of our sins. Our prayers reflect that belief as we beseech the Almighty to come down and make us whole and good and righteous. But that is a direct contradiction to so much of our lives and our human history, where we have striven to improve ourselves, our outlook on life, our tolerance and the continually improved living conditions we provide for our children. We have done these things ourselves, by trial and error, by recognizing our faults and correcting them, often through grievous suffering.
We are human beings, by nature creatures who seek and strive and work towards a goal. We found out it was wrong to enslave other human beings, and we cut that crap out. We decided to learn all we could about disease and health and nutrition and now we live better lives in sanitary conditions and are able to combat a tremendous variety of ailments that were once routinely fatal. We eat better, live cleaner and much longer that we once did. What diseases we cannot heal, we study and research in an effort to unravel their secrets and alleviate human suffering.
None of these advances are the result of Divine intervention since, according to the great majority of religions, God has not spoken to any human being directly in well over a thousand years. It was human beings who affected our own intellectual and spiritual evolution, through education, enlightenment, communication and hard work. With all the evils and ills upon this world today, human life is infinitely better for the average person than it was a thousand years ago. He or she is smarter, better educated, better fed, healthier and lives twice as long and in greater material comfort than their counterparts from the past. We did this, not God.
We also do a lot of rotten things in this modern day and age, from allowing mass starvation to occur on a global scale, to waging wars, to spreading hatred and committing genocide to theft and murder and allowing a small wealthy elite to oppress poverty stricken masses in too many places. These facts tell many religious people that we need to be saved, saved from ourselves and our destructive tendencies, and delivered into Paradise. It tells others that mankind still has much work to do, much to learn. Maybe we can create our own Paradise.
Or if not, maybe if we live up to our potential, only then will we deserving of a heavenly paradise. It stands to reason that a race of beings who have saved themselves, who have learned and grown and progressed and prospered and matured, who have learned to live in peace and harmony and who have made certain that all people share this bountiful world, those beings would be more deserving of a reward than a bunch of petulant children who need to be saved from themselves.
Besides, aren't we supposed to be spending our lives preparing for the redeemer, fixing what is wrong in our hearts and in the world around us? Looking around this troubled world, we're way behind schedule for that rendezvous. Even the religions we follow are still seriously flawed and contradictory, even after countless reformations. Being "born again" is no guarantee you won't still be an asshole, and too often being born again pretty much guarantees you'll be an irritating jerkoff for the rest of your life.
Then there's the "Fundamentalists" among us who figure that their best religious bet is to go back a bunch of centuries and act like a real severe, ignorant and smug hateful prick. Who's that helping? What the hell was the point of all our centuries of spiritual and intellectual progress we've worked so hard to attain if you're just going to throw it all away and go all Medieval on your fellow man? And what Messiah worth his salt would want anything to do with such miserable clods with so little love in their hearts?
No, we don't really want a Savior, as much as we'd love to believe we do. We're certainly not ready for one either, and as humans, we need to do the work ourselves, to really live the Golden Rule and do unto others as we would have them do unto us. And to do so not because it is a difficult chore or some sort of sacrifice but because it comes naturally, and is the normal way to behave. We need to open our hearts and truly share the love in our hearts, the greatest power that human beings possess, greater that our curiosity, our unceasing work and our imaginative intellects.
Love leads to mutual respect, understanding, tolerance and peace. Love should inform our every action and thought and all the work we need to do to save ourselves, our world and our brothers and sisters, all of them. The Redeemer, the whole idea of a Redeemer, has served us well at times and other times has caused us great pain. The simple lessons of love, peace, charity, humanity and understanding that our religions teach us have been overanalyzed and overcomplicated to the point of creating hatred, mistrust and bloodshed over what should be a beautiful and fulfilling experience.
What we have done is put the burden on another entity, on our God, to improve us, to do the math for us, and to save us, when it is our responsibility to clean up our act and to grow and evolve into the full potential of our humanity. If we use our brains, our hearts, our souls and our love, we just might be able to figure this world out. Then maybe we can have some reason to offer a Messiah to come around and visit us. Meanwhile, we have much to do.
For all the good religions have done, all the meaning they have put into so many lives, the powerful moral lessons imparted, the charitable acts performed and the love drawn from so many opened hearts, there is an ugly flip side to organized religions, every last one of them. With out getting into the ugly particulars, the wars, the torture, the oppression, hatred and guilt, the rapacious theft of wealth, the petty usurpation of power and dubious authority and who did to what to whom in the name of God, religion has a lot to answer for. Many sins to be atoned, if you will.
So many of our faiths believe in a Redeemer, a Messiah, a cleanser of this world and eraser of our sins. Our prayers reflect that belief as we beseech the Almighty to come down and make us whole and good and righteous. But that is a direct contradiction to so much of our lives and our human history, where we have striven to improve ourselves, our outlook on life, our tolerance and the continually improved living conditions we provide for our children. We have done these things ourselves, by trial and error, by recognizing our faults and correcting them, often through grievous suffering.
We are human beings, by nature creatures who seek and strive and work towards a goal. We found out it was wrong to enslave other human beings, and we cut that crap out. We decided to learn all we could about disease and health and nutrition and now we live better lives in sanitary conditions and are able to combat a tremendous variety of ailments that were once routinely fatal. We eat better, live cleaner and much longer that we once did. What diseases we cannot heal, we study and research in an effort to unravel their secrets and alleviate human suffering.
None of these advances are the result of Divine intervention since, according to the great majority of religions, God has not spoken to any human being directly in well over a thousand years. It was human beings who affected our own intellectual and spiritual evolution, through education, enlightenment, communication and hard work. With all the evils and ills upon this world today, human life is infinitely better for the average person than it was a thousand years ago. He or she is smarter, better educated, better fed, healthier and lives twice as long and in greater material comfort than their counterparts from the past. We did this, not God.
We also do a lot of rotten things in this modern day and age, from allowing mass starvation to occur on a global scale, to waging wars, to spreading hatred and committing genocide to theft and murder and allowing a small wealthy elite to oppress poverty stricken masses in too many places. These facts tell many religious people that we need to be saved, saved from ourselves and our destructive tendencies, and delivered into Paradise. It tells others that mankind still has much work to do, much to learn. Maybe we can create our own Paradise.
Or if not, maybe if we live up to our potential, only then will we deserving of a heavenly paradise. It stands to reason that a race of beings who have saved themselves, who have learned and grown and progressed and prospered and matured, who have learned to live in peace and harmony and who have made certain that all people share this bountiful world, those beings would be more deserving of a reward than a bunch of petulant children who need to be saved from themselves.
Besides, aren't we supposed to be spending our lives preparing for the redeemer, fixing what is wrong in our hearts and in the world around us? Looking around this troubled world, we're way behind schedule for that rendezvous. Even the religions we follow are still seriously flawed and contradictory, even after countless reformations. Being "born again" is no guarantee you won't still be an asshole, and too often being born again pretty much guarantees you'll be an irritating jerkoff for the rest of your life.
Then there's the "Fundamentalists" among us who figure that their best religious bet is to go back a bunch of centuries and act like a real severe, ignorant and smug hateful prick. Who's that helping? What the hell was the point of all our centuries of spiritual and intellectual progress we've worked so hard to attain if you're just going to throw it all away and go all Medieval on your fellow man? And what Messiah worth his salt would want anything to do with such miserable clods with so little love in their hearts?
No, we don't really want a Savior, as much as we'd love to believe we do. We're certainly not ready for one either, and as humans, we need to do the work ourselves, to really live the Golden Rule and do unto others as we would have them do unto us. And to do so not because it is a difficult chore or some sort of sacrifice but because it comes naturally, and is the normal way to behave. We need to open our hearts and truly share the love in our hearts, the greatest power that human beings possess, greater that our curiosity, our unceasing work and our imaginative intellects.
Love leads to mutual respect, understanding, tolerance and peace. Love should inform our every action and thought and all the work we need to do to save ourselves, our world and our brothers and sisters, all of them. The Redeemer, the whole idea of a Redeemer, has served us well at times and other times has caused us great pain. The simple lessons of love, peace, charity, humanity and understanding that our religions teach us have been overanalyzed and overcomplicated to the point of creating hatred, mistrust and bloodshed over what should be a beautiful and fulfilling experience.
What we have done is put the burden on another entity, on our God, to improve us, to do the math for us, and to save us, when it is our responsibility to clean up our act and to grow and evolve into the full potential of our humanity. If we use our brains, our hearts, our souls and our love, we just might be able to figure this world out. Then maybe we can have some reason to offer a Messiah to come around and visit us. Meanwhile, we have much to do.
December 23, 2009
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM BOBCRESPO.COM
Here's wishing everyone a wonderful Christmas, full of joy, peace and love. May the new year find all of you well, and may your loved ones prosper. Let us all remember those separated from their families by war, and pray for their safety and an end to all wars on this birthday of The Prince of Peace. Let us remember those who are no longer with us, and recall the times of joy we shared with them. Let all our hearts be filled with love. Merry Christmas.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 589
Money sure as hell does buy happiness. Why would anyone even question that? Check out what poverty buys sometime before shooting off your mouth.
HUNTING AND GATHERING
While mankind has progressed quite a bit since our early days of being scrawny, cave-dwelling scavengers who hunted and gathered for a living while trying to dodge gigantic predators who had a hankering to hunt and gather us, we're not completely out of the woods yet, literally. What is work but hunting every day for a means to get by? Shopping? Bingo, that's gathering. And anyone who has a garage or basement in their home usually fills it with gathered stuff, most of which we really don't need, otherwise these prizes wouldn't be collecting dust in our garages, attics and basements. Our modern day caves are often filled to overflowing with the stuff we gather.
Here's a clue; if you own something and haven't used it or even seen it for two years, you do not need it. When you have enough useless junk stored up, you need to hold a Garage Sale, the better to make room for more stuff you want to gather, perhaps acquiring some of it from someone else's Garage Sale. It's a pretty loose but vaguely efficient system for all the people who have basements, sheds, attics and garages, a sharing of the gathering and storing duties. Those of us who live in apartments with limited storage space cannot gather as much stuff, but we've become ingenious with shelving and rack systems to maximize our gathering capacity.
Which is why when somebody moves to a new home, even from the tiniest studio apartment, we discard at least 40% of what we own. This was as true when we lived in caves and it is today. The longer you live in one place, the more useless crap you store. Some of us are more gatherer-oriented than others, filling every spare square inch with items of questionable utility. Their basements, garages, attics and sheds are bursting with "good stuff it would be a shame to get rid of" and their living quarters are characterized by narrow pathways to do whatever moving around is required to live one's life. The rest of the place is filled with stuff.
Those are the people who never hold a garage sale but attend every one they hear about, paying bargain prices for the privilege of storing someone else's junk. These people fancy themselves Collectors, while others less charitably refer to them as Pack Rats. And in truth, some of these collectors do store some really cool stuff, whether or not they ever use it or even remember they own it. Most of it, however, is simply junk, and junk that is stored in precarious piles that only the owner of such a home can negotiate without causing an avalanche and risking serious injury.
Those antique milk cans, broken phonographs, stacks of old magazines and records that can only be played on working phonographs, all that useful-looking lumber and plumbing pipes that will never be a part of anything, clothing no one has worn in decades, aging toys, tools and bicycles are stored in no particular order since no one will ever be looking for any of it. It's just there, just in case. Just in case of what? Who knows? It's not exactly like there's a reasonable explanation for all our actions. Probably the only reason this stuff is there is because we're humans and we have a tendency to hunt and gather as much stuff as we can in case of a severe winter or a drought or a sudden infestation of large predators. That just in case.
Even though we don't live that sort of life anymore, we can't help ourselves, it's in our DNA. For the vast majority of human history, the part before we started writing it all down, we were not the top of the food chain, and it took us hundreds of thousands of years to eliminate the competition. Anybody seen any Saber Tooth Tigers, giant Short Faced Bears or Caribou the size of a small bulldozer lately? Or for that matter, any Neanderthal men? We coexisted with those people for millennia until we decided that they would be better off dead, and that was that. We got their hunting grounds and their caves and whatever cool stuff they had stored in them.
This time of year especially, get ready to store a whole lot more useless stuff, like that reindeer hat with the antlers and matching sweater, the bottle of Brut, that contraption that makes juice that is not as good as the ready-made juices available anywhere and wrecks your kitchen, another framed photograph of relatives you don't care for all that much (it has a nice frame, after all), the hand-knitted little sweater things that keep your spare rolls of toilet paper warm, the bobble-head dolls of an athlete your team has traded away and the electric socks that make you feel like you're being electrocuted when your feet start sweating.
It would be a shame to throw all this good stuff out, right? It's just a question of where do we put it all. The garage, attic and basement are full, so maybe we can just order another shed from Sears to match the other two in the backyard, the one that holds the stuff we actually use from time to time, and the other one that holds... stuff. We're hunters and gatherers at heart, people, so what the hell! When shed #3 gets full, we can always hold a Garage Sale. But can we really part with those chipped bowling trophies with a stranger's name on them, the oblong baseballs held together with electrical tape, rusty basketball hoops, roller skates that don't roll anymore and that collection of ugly clocks that stopped a long time ago? And those 2 by 4's will straighten right out again with enough of those big old rusty nails we've been saving. You just never know when these things will come in handy, or if Saber Toothed Tigers make a comeback, we can build barricades with our stuff. You know, just in case...
Here's a clue; if you own something and haven't used it or even seen it for two years, you do not need it. When you have enough useless junk stored up, you need to hold a Garage Sale, the better to make room for more stuff you want to gather, perhaps acquiring some of it from someone else's Garage Sale. It's a pretty loose but vaguely efficient system for all the people who have basements, sheds, attics and garages, a sharing of the gathering and storing duties. Those of us who live in apartments with limited storage space cannot gather as much stuff, but we've become ingenious with shelving and rack systems to maximize our gathering capacity.
Which is why when somebody moves to a new home, even from the tiniest studio apartment, we discard at least 40% of what we own. This was as true when we lived in caves and it is today. The longer you live in one place, the more useless crap you store. Some of us are more gatherer-oriented than others, filling every spare square inch with items of questionable utility. Their basements, garages, attics and sheds are bursting with "good stuff it would be a shame to get rid of" and their living quarters are characterized by narrow pathways to do whatever moving around is required to live one's life. The rest of the place is filled with stuff.
Those are the people who never hold a garage sale but attend every one they hear about, paying bargain prices for the privilege of storing someone else's junk. These people fancy themselves Collectors, while others less charitably refer to them as Pack Rats. And in truth, some of these collectors do store some really cool stuff, whether or not they ever use it or even remember they own it. Most of it, however, is simply junk, and junk that is stored in precarious piles that only the owner of such a home can negotiate without causing an avalanche and risking serious injury.
Those antique milk cans, broken phonographs, stacks of old magazines and records that can only be played on working phonographs, all that useful-looking lumber and plumbing pipes that will never be a part of anything, clothing no one has worn in decades, aging toys, tools and bicycles are stored in no particular order since no one will ever be looking for any of it. It's just there, just in case. Just in case of what? Who knows? It's not exactly like there's a reasonable explanation for all our actions. Probably the only reason this stuff is there is because we're humans and we have a tendency to hunt and gather as much stuff as we can in case of a severe winter or a drought or a sudden infestation of large predators. That just in case.
Even though we don't live that sort of life anymore, we can't help ourselves, it's in our DNA. For the vast majority of human history, the part before we started writing it all down, we were not the top of the food chain, and it took us hundreds of thousands of years to eliminate the competition. Anybody seen any Saber Tooth Tigers, giant Short Faced Bears or Caribou the size of a small bulldozer lately? Or for that matter, any Neanderthal men? We coexisted with those people for millennia until we decided that they would be better off dead, and that was that. We got their hunting grounds and their caves and whatever cool stuff they had stored in them.
This time of year especially, get ready to store a whole lot more useless stuff, like that reindeer hat with the antlers and matching sweater, the bottle of Brut, that contraption that makes juice that is not as good as the ready-made juices available anywhere and wrecks your kitchen, another framed photograph of relatives you don't care for all that much (it has a nice frame, after all), the hand-knitted little sweater things that keep your spare rolls of toilet paper warm, the bobble-head dolls of an athlete your team has traded away and the electric socks that make you feel like you're being electrocuted when your feet start sweating.
It would be a shame to throw all this good stuff out, right? It's just a question of where do we put it all. The garage, attic and basement are full, so maybe we can just order another shed from Sears to match the other two in the backyard, the one that holds the stuff we actually use from time to time, and the other one that holds... stuff. We're hunters and gatherers at heart, people, so what the hell! When shed #3 gets full, we can always hold a Garage Sale. But can we really part with those chipped bowling trophies with a stranger's name on them, the oblong baseballs held together with electrical tape, rusty basketball hoops, roller skates that don't roll anymore and that collection of ugly clocks that stopped a long time ago? And those 2 by 4's will straighten right out again with enough of those big old rusty nails we've been saving. You just never know when these things will come in handy, or if Saber Toothed Tigers make a comeback, we can build barricades with our stuff. You know, just in case...
December 22, 2009
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 587
One man's madness is another man's bliss. Looking around at the world men have created, who can say who is correct and who is the madman?
RELIGIOUS REFORMATION BY LEGAL DECREE, ANYONE?
A very old religion that prohibits women from full participation in their faith is feeling the wrath of some women who feel unfairly disenfranchised. What religion would that be? Why, Judaism, one of the oldest religions around. It seems that a bunch of women gather once a month at Jerusalem's Wailing Wall to pray. Nothing odd there, since the place is something of a shrine for Jews. What is unusual, is that the women are donning talit and prayer shawls, garments traditionally reserved for men.
The wearing of talit and prayer shawls by women is forbidden by Israeli law, yet another example of why America's Founding Fathers were geniuses and the founders of Israel were not. The Americans insisted on a complete separation of government and religion and so far no one has been arrested in America for peacefully observing their faith as they see fit. The American founders attached very little importance to what they felt is a trivial private matter and knew from a quick glance at history that religion was the cause of more wars that all other reasons combined. Thanks, but...
While many nations, Israel included, have adopted democracy like America, few have taken the logical step of putting religion in its place, a private and non-influential place. Even with our ban on mixing government and religion, America has its hands full dealing with religions and all their many sub-sects, every one of them a pain in the ass claiming exclusive ownership of the truth and bugging the government to do things their way. We can only imagine how horrible that situation would be without our Constitutional mandate against mixing God and government.
Israel, on the other hand, proclaims itself a Jewish nation, where if they were smart they would have declared themselves a nation of Jews, thus leaving what it means to be Jewish and how to practice their faith up to each individual. In America, there's a great many Jews who practice their Judaism in a variety of ways, or not at all. And who cares, really? It's nobody else's damned business, not even other Jews. Not so in Israel. Last month in Jerusalem, a woman was arrested for publicly wrapping herself in a talit. She bothered no one else, did not try to force another human being into practicing Judaism her way, and made no speeches.
It seems these Women of The Wall are annoying the crap out of the Orthodox sect that runs the Wall site, and as anyone with any experience with any religion knows, the biggest pains in the ass are always the Orthodox, the Fundamentalists, the Puritans among us. While they have every right to practice what hey preach they have no right at all to force others to so as they do. To these backward-gazing zealots of every religion, there is only one credo: My way or the highway! The only difference is that in Israel, even though they form a tiny minority of the population and most Israelis don't pay much attention to them, the law is on the side of the Orthodox.
So while this on the face of it seems a religious issue, without a clear separation of church and state it becomes a legal issue as well, with all the overlapping and conflicting interests that implies. In a democracy, individual rights are respected and legally protected. In Israel, equality between men and women has never been an issue, and womens' liberation there predates America's Women's Liberation movement by decades. Israeli women are even drafted into the army to fulfill the mandatory military service the nation requires of its citizens.
Now these Women of The Wall claim their full rights as citizens and Jews in a Jewish country, and that nation's courts may have to decide to reform a religion in order to avoid gender discrimination. The resultant court decision should be interesting. The Israeli Supreme Court has already sided once with the Wailing Wall constraints on women. Will they do it again, and expose Israel as just one more repressive theocracy? Or maybe they will recognize that women have every bit as much right to practice their religion as they wish as do men, or those who practice a different religion, whose rights are guaranteed in Israel.
And who knows, if these women succeed and Jewish religious law is changed by a mandate from a civilian court, maybe the Catholic Church will notice that they have oppressed their own women for their entire existence, barring them from entering the priesthood and challenging the all-male hierarchy of The Church. Or wonder of wonders, perhaps a huge portion of the Islamic world will stop imprisoning their women in their own homes, wrapping them in formless sacks and forbidding them to learn to read or drive cars! Fortunately for American judges, they won't be the ones hearing these cases. Courts of law deal with things that can be proven beyond a reasonable doubt, and no religion can make that claim. They also deal with public morality, but morality, public or otherwise, is quite different from religion.
Bad enough American jurists have to deal with people complaining about Nativity Scenes in town squares or copies of the 10 Commandments being displayed in courthouses, but reforming a religion from the bench of a court of law is just too absurd and is also a frivolous concern for serious courts of law. No matter what the Israeli judges decide in the case of the woman arrested for practicing her religion in peace, there will be howls of protest from some segment of Israeli society. Maybe they'll just do the smart thing and outlaw the merging of government and religion, reaffirm freedom of expression in public let the religious people sort themselves out. They'll save a lot of headaches and maybe some violence too.
The wearing of talit and prayer shawls by women is forbidden by Israeli law, yet another example of why America's Founding Fathers were geniuses and the founders of Israel were not. The Americans insisted on a complete separation of government and religion and so far no one has been arrested in America for peacefully observing their faith as they see fit. The American founders attached very little importance to what they felt is a trivial private matter and knew from a quick glance at history that religion was the cause of more wars that all other reasons combined. Thanks, but...
While many nations, Israel included, have adopted democracy like America, few have taken the logical step of putting religion in its place, a private and non-influential place. Even with our ban on mixing government and religion, America has its hands full dealing with religions and all their many sub-sects, every one of them a pain in the ass claiming exclusive ownership of the truth and bugging the government to do things their way. We can only imagine how horrible that situation would be without our Constitutional mandate against mixing God and government.
Israel, on the other hand, proclaims itself a Jewish nation, where if they were smart they would have declared themselves a nation of Jews, thus leaving what it means to be Jewish and how to practice their faith up to each individual. In America, there's a great many Jews who practice their Judaism in a variety of ways, or not at all. And who cares, really? It's nobody else's damned business, not even other Jews. Not so in Israel. Last month in Jerusalem, a woman was arrested for publicly wrapping herself in a talit. She bothered no one else, did not try to force another human being into practicing Judaism her way, and made no speeches.
It seems these Women of The Wall are annoying the crap out of the Orthodox sect that runs the Wall site, and as anyone with any experience with any religion knows, the biggest pains in the ass are always the Orthodox, the Fundamentalists, the Puritans among us. While they have every right to practice what hey preach they have no right at all to force others to so as they do. To these backward-gazing zealots of every religion, there is only one credo: My way or the highway! The only difference is that in Israel, even though they form a tiny minority of the population and most Israelis don't pay much attention to them, the law is on the side of the Orthodox.
So while this on the face of it seems a religious issue, without a clear separation of church and state it becomes a legal issue as well, with all the overlapping and conflicting interests that implies. In a democracy, individual rights are respected and legally protected. In Israel, equality between men and women has never been an issue, and womens' liberation there predates America's Women's Liberation movement by decades. Israeli women are even drafted into the army to fulfill the mandatory military service the nation requires of its citizens.
Now these Women of The Wall claim their full rights as citizens and Jews in a Jewish country, and that nation's courts may have to decide to reform a religion in order to avoid gender discrimination. The resultant court decision should be interesting. The Israeli Supreme Court has already sided once with the Wailing Wall constraints on women. Will they do it again, and expose Israel as just one more repressive theocracy? Or maybe they will recognize that women have every bit as much right to practice their religion as they wish as do men, or those who practice a different religion, whose rights are guaranteed in Israel.
And who knows, if these women succeed and Jewish religious law is changed by a mandate from a civilian court, maybe the Catholic Church will notice that they have oppressed their own women for their entire existence, barring them from entering the priesthood and challenging the all-male hierarchy of The Church. Or wonder of wonders, perhaps a huge portion of the Islamic world will stop imprisoning their women in their own homes, wrapping them in formless sacks and forbidding them to learn to read or drive cars! Fortunately for American judges, they won't be the ones hearing these cases. Courts of law deal with things that can be proven beyond a reasonable doubt, and no religion can make that claim. They also deal with public morality, but morality, public or otherwise, is quite different from religion.
Bad enough American jurists have to deal with people complaining about Nativity Scenes in town squares or copies of the 10 Commandments being displayed in courthouses, but reforming a religion from the bench of a court of law is just too absurd and is also a frivolous concern for serious courts of law. No matter what the Israeli judges decide in the case of the woman arrested for practicing her religion in peace, there will be howls of protest from some segment of Israeli society. Maybe they'll just do the smart thing and outlaw the merging of government and religion, reaffirm freedom of expression in public let the religious people sort themselves out. They'll save a lot of headaches and maybe some violence too.
December 20, 2009
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 586
Someday archaeologists will wonder what to make of the ruins of Disneyland. That ought to make for some whacky theories about life in the 21st century.
THE DAY NEW YORK STOOD STILL
Nothing like a blizzard to let us know that anything we had planned really wasn't so important that it couldn't be put off for a day or two. It seems Mother Nature decided that the entire Northeast would look pretty good covered in more than a foot of snow. And she's right, it is beautiful. New York City is buried in the stuff, elegant white snowdrifts sculpted by the wind into all kinds of lovely shapes. It is breathtaking, and it is truly wonderful.
Of course on TV all the junior reporters who don't get much camera time are out in force, bellowing about how dangerous this is and what a shock it was, to which one replies, shut up, you idiots, it's wonderful. As far as it being a shock, well, maybe if this was Honolulu, but it is not Honolulu, it is the northeast of the United States and we get winter weather here, sometimes pretty damned severe winter weather at that. A pleasant surprise, maybe, but no shock.
The kids and the dogs sure love it, and 9 times out of 10, anything kids and dogs love is a good thing. Blizzards seem designed for children, who can spend hours and hours messing around in the snow. And when a blizzard comes, any adult who grew up in a place where it snows automatically gets to touch that part of them that is still the wide-eyed child they were, a priceless gift from Mother Nature. Sure, we've got to shovel it, dig the car out and try to go about our business eventually, but who's to say that a few snowball fights with the kids in the neighborhood is a bad thing?
And if you're really feeling ambitious, there's always a bunch of snowmen looking to be freed from the drifts, just waiting for some enterprising kid (of any age or size) to recognize them and bring them to life, just to keep an eye on things for a few days. They'll melt back into nature after a little while, waiting for the next blizzard when some other imaginative kid brings them back. Snowmen are pretty good that way, very patient and content to visit us when we need them the most, and to make us smile along with them. Has anyone ever seen a snowman and not smiled? Of course not. Who's better than them?
And so this is The Day New York Stood Still. It happens every so often, maybe once a decade. Fortunately for the huge hustle and bustle contingent in New York City this blizzard came on a weekend, Saturday night into Sunday, so their hustling and bustling will be only minimally impacted. Hopefully a lot of them got to walk the silent streets on Saturday night, when our beautiful city was even more beautiful, the falling snow and the swirling drifts muffling the strident sounds. Such rare nights are priceless, a life-affirming walk in a vast cathedral, silent, beautiful and uplifting, your every step and movement a living prayer.
On such a walk, one encounter few others, and greets them joyfully but quietly as they pass by, disappearing silently into the drifts on their way to nowhere special, and at the same time in a very special place. The city is still and magic and wonderful. There are spirits out and about on these late night blizzard walks, and they can be felt as palpably as the wind that makes our cheeks blush. Perhaps they are the souls of the snowmen calling to us to let them visit again, or maybe just a wordless and powerful realization of the oneness of all life, and you are humbled and at the same time filled with incredible joy and elation. This is the feeling that tells tells you, yes, there is a God, and he is telling you personally: "Look upon my works in wonder, and know that I can make the busiest place on earth stand still so you can enjoy its beauty and its essence." It's a great day to be alive.
Of course on TV all the junior reporters who don't get much camera time are out in force, bellowing about how dangerous this is and what a shock it was, to which one replies, shut up, you idiots, it's wonderful. As far as it being a shock, well, maybe if this was Honolulu, but it is not Honolulu, it is the northeast of the United States and we get winter weather here, sometimes pretty damned severe winter weather at that. A pleasant surprise, maybe, but no shock.
The kids and the dogs sure love it, and 9 times out of 10, anything kids and dogs love is a good thing. Blizzards seem designed for children, who can spend hours and hours messing around in the snow. And when a blizzard comes, any adult who grew up in a place where it snows automatically gets to touch that part of them that is still the wide-eyed child they were, a priceless gift from Mother Nature. Sure, we've got to shovel it, dig the car out and try to go about our business eventually, but who's to say that a few snowball fights with the kids in the neighborhood is a bad thing?
And if you're really feeling ambitious, there's always a bunch of snowmen looking to be freed from the drifts, just waiting for some enterprising kid (of any age or size) to recognize them and bring them to life, just to keep an eye on things for a few days. They'll melt back into nature after a little while, waiting for the next blizzard when some other imaginative kid brings them back. Snowmen are pretty good that way, very patient and content to visit us when we need them the most, and to make us smile along with them. Has anyone ever seen a snowman and not smiled? Of course not. Who's better than them?
And so this is The Day New York Stood Still. It happens every so often, maybe once a decade. Fortunately for the huge hustle and bustle contingent in New York City this blizzard came on a weekend, Saturday night into Sunday, so their hustling and bustling will be only minimally impacted. Hopefully a lot of them got to walk the silent streets on Saturday night, when our beautiful city was even more beautiful, the falling snow and the swirling drifts muffling the strident sounds. Such rare nights are priceless, a life-affirming walk in a vast cathedral, silent, beautiful and uplifting, your every step and movement a living prayer.
On such a walk, one encounter few others, and greets them joyfully but quietly as they pass by, disappearing silently into the drifts on their way to nowhere special, and at the same time in a very special place. The city is still and magic and wonderful. There are spirits out and about on these late night blizzard walks, and they can be felt as palpably as the wind that makes our cheeks blush. Perhaps they are the souls of the snowmen calling to us to let them visit again, or maybe just a wordless and powerful realization of the oneness of all life, and you are humbled and at the same time filled with incredible joy and elation. This is the feeling that tells tells you, yes, there is a God, and he is telling you personally: "Look upon my works in wonder, and know that I can make the busiest place on earth stand still so you can enjoy its beauty and its essence." It's a great day to be alive.
December 19, 2009
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 585
A word to the wise is unnecessary. It's the fools that need a good talking to.
STOP CONTINENTAL DRIFT!
While we are in the business of commanding the tides with all the efforts to combat global warming, we might as well order the earth to stop sliding her damned tectonic plates around too. Where do you think all those devastating earthquakes and tsunamis come from? It seems that the earth can't make up its mind about what its surface is supposed to look like and keeps sliding the continents this way and that, causing the tectonic plates that make up the planet's outer crust to crash together, with devastating results.
Scientists inform us that Africa has been steadily getting closer to Europe by around an inch every few years, and that someday it will arrive on the Riviera and squeeze the Mediterranean Sea out of the Straits of Gibraltar, ruining the perfectly good beaches of southern Europe where naked women romp in the sand and replacing it with more sand than they need for naked beach volleyball, the friggin' Sahara desert! No one wants that, especially since the people who live in the Sahara like to wrap their women head-to-toe in formless sacks. This is a real crisis, people!
Not only that, but tectonic plate scientists say that eventually every continent will crash together to form one giant land mass, which they call Pangea, with the rest of the planet being one gigantic ocean. Imagine all the various peoples of this world living cheek by jowl with no oceans separating us? Think of all the extra border guards and barbed wire fencing we will need with no natural water boundaries to keep out undesirables! While these slow motion collisions will throw up huge new mountain chains that will help define the different regions, with one big continent, there will be a hell of a lot of land-locked countries, literally thousands of miles from the ocean. If California people find themselves in that predicament, what will they do with all those surfboards? Hawaiians too, who might take it awful hard going from living on an island paradise to a landlocked, dusty oasis bordering the Australian Outback. Bummer.
Screw all this global warming crap, what we need to do is focus on keeping the map of the world intact. While this may serve business interests by lowering the shipping costs of shoddy merchandise from China to Walmart, do we really want to have only a single continent? Without oceans to separate us, people will mingle, and when people mingle they usually wind up screwing, so before we know it there will only be one type of human. How boring would that be? No Swedes, no Africans, no Asians, no Arabs, no Native Americans, no Polynesians and no Caucasians, only a bunch of beige people vaguely resembling Tiger Woods. No, thanks.
How the hell would we know who to hate and mistrust if we all look the same? More importantly, who would be the exotic women that men could lust after? And we'd probably all wind up preferring the same food, which would really suck, eliminating the exciting Asian and Mexican food options. While Italian food is the best in the world, will Italy be able to maintain its identity if it is stuck somewhere in the middle of the world, nowhere near the source of scungilli, calamari or shrimp scampi? These are questions that affect every human being, unlike that whole global warming deal that has the Russians and Scandinavians looking forward to a little balmy weather for a change
Speaking of change and Italy, who the hell would want to visit Venice without the canals and singing gondoliers? When North America crashes into Western Europe, who will the Statue of Liberty welcome? New York Harbor will be New York Lake at that point. Worse yet, New Jersey could get scrunched up against Manhattan, really screwing up the greatest city in earth. All our bridges and tunnels to New Jersey will be useless, and the mighty Hudson River will protect us no longer.
What's truly outrageous about Continental Drift is that Canada could wind up being very important, and everyone knows that Canadians are very uncomfortable even being noticed, never mind crucial! Japan, a place that identifies with being an island nation, will be a narrow valley somewhere between Korea and Oregon, and the sun will rise elsewhere, making their motto "The Land of The Rising Sun" seem pretty silly. And forget about any future Olympic games in Japan, which will suddenly be some land-locked little formerly exotic nation within walking distance of Seattle, that most boring of cities.
This is a true crisis of epic global proportions. If we do nothing, we risk having North Koreans as our next-door neighbors, eagerly eating our poodles, or "wokking the dog," as they like to call it. The people in Copenhagen missed the boat here big time. We need to cool the earth so it stops shifting its tectonic plates and crunching our land masses into one big continent. After that, we can address the moon's attempted escape from earth's orbit, moving an inch further away from us every year. We cannot allow that, either, or what will the wolves and coyotes howl at? As long as we're commanding the tides, we might as well think big. No Pangea! We're in charge around here, right? Right???
Scientists inform us that Africa has been steadily getting closer to Europe by around an inch every few years, and that someday it will arrive on the Riviera and squeeze the Mediterranean Sea out of the Straits of Gibraltar, ruining the perfectly good beaches of southern Europe where naked women romp in the sand and replacing it with more sand than they need for naked beach volleyball, the friggin' Sahara desert! No one wants that, especially since the people who live in the Sahara like to wrap their women head-to-toe in formless sacks. This is a real crisis, people!
Not only that, but tectonic plate scientists say that eventually every continent will crash together to form one giant land mass, which they call Pangea, with the rest of the planet being one gigantic ocean. Imagine all the various peoples of this world living cheek by jowl with no oceans separating us? Think of all the extra border guards and barbed wire fencing we will need with no natural water boundaries to keep out undesirables! While these slow motion collisions will throw up huge new mountain chains that will help define the different regions, with one big continent, there will be a hell of a lot of land-locked countries, literally thousands of miles from the ocean. If California people find themselves in that predicament, what will they do with all those surfboards? Hawaiians too, who might take it awful hard going from living on an island paradise to a landlocked, dusty oasis bordering the Australian Outback. Bummer.
Screw all this global warming crap, what we need to do is focus on keeping the map of the world intact. While this may serve business interests by lowering the shipping costs of shoddy merchandise from China to Walmart, do we really want to have only a single continent? Without oceans to separate us, people will mingle, and when people mingle they usually wind up screwing, so before we know it there will only be one type of human. How boring would that be? No Swedes, no Africans, no Asians, no Arabs, no Native Americans, no Polynesians and no Caucasians, only a bunch of beige people vaguely resembling Tiger Woods. No, thanks.
How the hell would we know who to hate and mistrust if we all look the same? More importantly, who would be the exotic women that men could lust after? And we'd probably all wind up preferring the same food, which would really suck, eliminating the exciting Asian and Mexican food options. While Italian food is the best in the world, will Italy be able to maintain its identity if it is stuck somewhere in the middle of the world, nowhere near the source of scungilli, calamari or shrimp scampi? These are questions that affect every human being, unlike that whole global warming deal that has the Russians and Scandinavians looking forward to a little balmy weather for a change
Speaking of change and Italy, who the hell would want to visit Venice without the canals and singing gondoliers? When North America crashes into Western Europe, who will the Statue of Liberty welcome? New York Harbor will be New York Lake at that point. Worse yet, New Jersey could get scrunched up against Manhattan, really screwing up the greatest city in earth. All our bridges and tunnels to New Jersey will be useless, and the mighty Hudson River will protect us no longer.
What's truly outrageous about Continental Drift is that Canada could wind up being very important, and everyone knows that Canadians are very uncomfortable even being noticed, never mind crucial! Japan, a place that identifies with being an island nation, will be a narrow valley somewhere between Korea and Oregon, and the sun will rise elsewhere, making their motto "The Land of The Rising Sun" seem pretty silly. And forget about any future Olympic games in Japan, which will suddenly be some land-locked little formerly exotic nation within walking distance of Seattle, that most boring of cities.
This is a true crisis of epic global proportions. If we do nothing, we risk having North Koreans as our next-door neighbors, eagerly eating our poodles, or "wokking the dog," as they like to call it. The people in Copenhagen missed the boat here big time. We need to cool the earth so it stops shifting its tectonic plates and crunching our land masses into one big continent. After that, we can address the moon's attempted escape from earth's orbit, moving an inch further away from us every year. We cannot allow that, either, or what will the wolves and coyotes howl at? As long as we're commanding the tides, we might as well think big. No Pangea! We're in charge around here, right? Right???
December 18, 2009
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 584
Fruit cake is remarkably similar to food, but don't be fooled. It is a weapon.
CHRISTMAS GIFTS THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE GRADE
Ah Christmas, that holy celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, heralding sentiments of peace on earth, love, joy and good will towards our fellow man coupled with an orgiastic celebration of retail consumption. What's not to love? The gaudy decorations, the earnest caroling, the sumptuous feasts and all that shopping! How better to express it than it's the most wonderful time of the year? It's Christmas time, gosh darn it, and if you don't feel good, better or best, then there must be something radically wrong with your curmudgeonly ass! So get out there and buy some damned presents for your loved ones. Just avoid these less-than-stellar gifts:
Air Bagpipe Hero: A virtual music game letting players pretend they are the lead bagpiper in the local Police Marching Band. All the great bagpipe tunes are included, like "Amazing Grace" and all the rest of them that sound just like it when played on bagpipes.
Tickle Me Tiger: A Barbie and Ken-type doll/action figure of Tiger Woods, Mattel Toy Company figured to clean up this Christmas with this toy of the most popular golfer ever, packaged with a miniature set of golf clubs. After the scandal hit, they tried to recoup their losses by packaging each Tiger figure with one of a set of 13 look-alike "Bimbo Mistress Barbie" dolls with sexy cocktail waitress outfits, evening gowns or lingerie, but toy retailers have been slow to embrace the concept.
iCuffLinks: Apple computers finally went too far with their i-products, and the iCufflinks may be their worst idea ever. With one cufflink as the speaker and the other as the video screen and music player, these things are just a tad too tiny.
Stuffed Endangered Species: The people who marketed these real dead animals weren't getting the concept of "saving" endangered species when they figured people would like to have a genuine stuffed Polar Bear, Snow Leopard, Brown Spider Monkey or Bald Eagle before they disappear. The only ones who placed any orders were the Palin family of Alaska. Some retailers just don't think things all the way through.
Edible Play Dough: Bowing to the inevitable, the maker of Play Dough finally took the next logical step and is now making "Edible Playdough," which tastes exactly like the original (not too bad, really, if memory serves) but is an actual food substance with all the required daily vitamins per serving.
The Shamwow Diaper Blanket: The ultimate couch potato's dream, a sleeved blanket you wear while you lay around the house that doubles as a super-absorbent diaper, eliminating the exhausting chore of walking to the toilet, often two entire rooms away from the couch, or even more daunting, up a flight of stairs! Sales were hurt by the fact that the target customers were too lazy to even click the mouse of their computer to order them, saving valuable energy to operate their TV remotes.
Junior's First Gun: Some say that firearms manufacturers have crossed a line with this red, white and blue lightweight but very real pistol built for the hand of a three year-old. Gun retailers defend the product as an educational toy intended for fire arms training and is sold with only blank rounds, with real bullets only available with parental permission. The company is having a hard time keeping up with the orders.
Chanel #4: There is a reason why the world's most famous perfume is called "Chanel #5." The first four attempts resulted in very foul-smelling concoctions that attracted unwanted attention from leg-humping dogs. The marketers of Chanel #4 are figuring to cash in on a craze for retro fashion items, mounting an expensive advertising campaign aimed at the dim-witted children of rich people, and are actually doing quite well with it. Keep your distance from Yuppie trash this season.
Artificial Laps: This product is actually a practical invention, a small portable platform that really fat people can strap to their knees with handy velcro straps in order to have an actual "lap" for their laptop computers. So far there have been few takers.
Computo-cycle: This "simulated bicycle game" is an interactive computer game that lets children have the sensation of riding a real bicycle without the danger of leaving the couch. By the makers of "Artificial Laps" and "Shamwow Diaper Blankets."
Lego: There's nothing different about Lego after all these years, but it's been around long enough for us to know that it is one of the lamest and most frustrating toys ever, impossible to build something that looks like anything. Lego has created more disturbed and obsessed individuals than even Etch-A-Sketch or Pick-Up-Sticks.
Chia Pubes: Marketed by the Chia Pet people as a joke adult gift, Chia Pubes comes with either a clay penis or vagina, and as usual grows a green moldy looking weed for pubic hair. All in all, not funny and kind of disturbing.
Mister Parsnip Head: The Nutrition Police are getting a little crazy and have introduced this crazy toy as a healthy alternative to Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. Kids will like it about as much as they do real parsnips.
Air Bagpipe Hero: A virtual music game letting players pretend they are the lead bagpiper in the local Police Marching Band. All the great bagpipe tunes are included, like "Amazing Grace" and all the rest of them that sound just like it when played on bagpipes.
Tickle Me Tiger: A Barbie and Ken-type doll/action figure of Tiger Woods, Mattel Toy Company figured to clean up this Christmas with this toy of the most popular golfer ever, packaged with a miniature set of golf clubs. After the scandal hit, they tried to recoup their losses by packaging each Tiger figure with one of a set of 13 look-alike "Bimbo Mistress Barbie" dolls with sexy cocktail waitress outfits, evening gowns or lingerie, but toy retailers have been slow to embrace the concept.
iCuffLinks: Apple computers finally went too far with their i-products, and the iCufflinks may be their worst idea ever. With one cufflink as the speaker and the other as the video screen and music player, these things are just a tad too tiny.
Stuffed Endangered Species: The people who marketed these real dead animals weren't getting the concept of "saving" endangered species when they figured people would like to have a genuine stuffed Polar Bear, Snow Leopard, Brown Spider Monkey or Bald Eagle before they disappear. The only ones who placed any orders were the Palin family of Alaska. Some retailers just don't think things all the way through.
Edible Play Dough: Bowing to the inevitable, the maker of Play Dough finally took the next logical step and is now making "Edible Playdough," which tastes exactly like the original (not too bad, really, if memory serves) but is an actual food substance with all the required daily vitamins per serving.
The Shamwow Diaper Blanket: The ultimate couch potato's dream, a sleeved blanket you wear while you lay around the house that doubles as a super-absorbent diaper, eliminating the exhausting chore of walking to the toilet, often two entire rooms away from the couch, or even more daunting, up a flight of stairs! Sales were hurt by the fact that the target customers were too lazy to even click the mouse of their computer to order them, saving valuable energy to operate their TV remotes.
Junior's First Gun: Some say that firearms manufacturers have crossed a line with this red, white and blue lightweight but very real pistol built for the hand of a three year-old. Gun retailers defend the product as an educational toy intended for fire arms training and is sold with only blank rounds, with real bullets only available with parental permission. The company is having a hard time keeping up with the orders.
Chanel #4: There is a reason why the world's most famous perfume is called "Chanel #5." The first four attempts resulted in very foul-smelling concoctions that attracted unwanted attention from leg-humping dogs. The marketers of Chanel #4 are figuring to cash in on a craze for retro fashion items, mounting an expensive advertising campaign aimed at the dim-witted children of rich people, and are actually doing quite well with it. Keep your distance from Yuppie trash this season.
Artificial Laps: This product is actually a practical invention, a small portable platform that really fat people can strap to their knees with handy velcro straps in order to have an actual "lap" for their laptop computers. So far there have been few takers.
Computo-cycle: This "simulated bicycle game" is an interactive computer game that lets children have the sensation of riding a real bicycle without the danger of leaving the couch. By the makers of "Artificial Laps" and "Shamwow Diaper Blankets."
Lego: There's nothing different about Lego after all these years, but it's been around long enough for us to know that it is one of the lamest and most frustrating toys ever, impossible to build something that looks like anything. Lego has created more disturbed and obsessed individuals than even Etch-A-Sketch or Pick-Up-Sticks.
Chia Pubes: Marketed by the Chia Pet people as a joke adult gift, Chia Pubes comes with either a clay penis or vagina, and as usual grows a green moldy looking weed for pubic hair. All in all, not funny and kind of disturbing.
Mister Parsnip Head: The Nutrition Police are getting a little crazy and have introduced this crazy toy as a healthy alternative to Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. Kids will like it about as much as they do real parsnips.
December 17, 2009
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 583
If you're looking for a role model, you're already lost. The only one you can ever be is yourself, so make the very best of the raw materials at hand.
A WAR ON CHRISTMAS? CHRISTMAS IS WINNING.
The incompetent and the delusional are once again crying out that the sky is falling. Led by Bull O'Really, the idiot's idiot, they now announce that there is a war on Christmas. Bull O'Really says it's being waged by those who (!) "loathe the baby Jesus." A beautiful statement, as meaningless as it is stupid, and thus guaranteed to stir up morons. Bull and his minions detest the fact that some people say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," which of course, is an unmistakable sign that life as we know it is under attack by traitorous transvestite atheists.
Never mind the fact that Christmas in America is the single most dominant event on our calendar, even more so than Independence Day. It is both a religious and commercial blockbuster, overwhelming anything else that is happening during "Christmas Season." Does any other holiday get it's own season? You never hear anything mentioned about Labor Day Season, Veteran's Day Season or Fourth of July Season. Only Christmas and Easter, another Jesus-related holiday, get their own seasons. If there is a war on Christmas, it seems Christmas is winning, and winning big time.
You can't visit any city, town or village in America and not be struck by the countless Christmas decorations. Almost every family in the nation (we are overwhelmingly a Christian country) makes elaborate plans for the Eve, the Day and the day after (Boxing Day), with many celebrating "Little Christmas" twelve days later. Christmas is an unstoppable juggernaut in America, and a whole lot of it is about beautiful feelings of joy, brotherhood, love and peace, never a bad thing any time, anywhere.
It is overwhelming to many, and over-commercialized to many more, who lament that the simple message of Jesus, love, peace and brotherhood, is lost amid the all the money-changing. And then there are the Bull O'Reallys of this world, looking to shove Christmas even further up our asses than it already is by denying that anyone has the right not to be over-awed or merely indifferent to what is in reality just one more religious holiday, and by Christianity's own estimation, a lesser holiday then Easter, which celebrates the Resurrection of Jesus, the culmination of his earthly mission that was only promised by his birth on Christmas.
The calendar dates of both of these holidays were arbitrarily picked, no one being exactly sure what day of the year Jesus was born or died. The exact days these events occurred don't really matter, only that around half of the earth's inhabitants (that would be the Christians of all the various sects) choose to celebrate them. If this brings them joy and fulfillment, well fine, but by no means must we expect this to be unanimous. It is not Christmas if you are not a Christian, and if you do not celebrate it that does not mean you are at war with Christmas, anymore that Christians are at war with Passover because they don't celebrate that Jewish holiday.
It's not exactly like anyone is forced to celebrate Christmas in secret around here, and no one's persecuting anyone over the their decision to celebrate this holiday in the biggest and splashiest possible manner. Those radio stations that blare out Christmas music all day every day are allowed to do so, and people who don't want to hear it are allowed to change the station. We have this thing called Freedom of Religion in America, and that means freedom for all religions, even that most pious and preachy faith, Atheism, whose zealous members are always seeking to make new converts.
No one can force anyone to bow to the God of another, or prevent them from bowing to the God of their choice, or to bow to no God at al. And God knows there are a lot of Gods to be worshipped in this world, with Christianity offering a 3-in-1 version of monotheism with the Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit (who used to be the Holy Ghost, but that was deemed too creepy so now he's The Holy Spirit.) The vast majority of Americans celebrate Christmas and openly practice their Christianity. If there is a war on Christmas, whoever is waging it is losing big. Anger addicts like Bull O'Really and anyone dopey enough to believe anything he says can relax and move on to the next non-issue to get themselves crazy over. Merry Christmas.
Never mind the fact that Christmas in America is the single most dominant event on our calendar, even more so than Independence Day. It is both a religious and commercial blockbuster, overwhelming anything else that is happening during "Christmas Season." Does any other holiday get it's own season? You never hear anything mentioned about Labor Day Season, Veteran's Day Season or Fourth of July Season. Only Christmas and Easter, another Jesus-related holiday, get their own seasons. If there is a war on Christmas, it seems Christmas is winning, and winning big time.
You can't visit any city, town or village in America and not be struck by the countless Christmas decorations. Almost every family in the nation (we are overwhelmingly a Christian country) makes elaborate plans for the Eve, the Day and the day after (Boxing Day), with many celebrating "Little Christmas" twelve days later. Christmas is an unstoppable juggernaut in America, and a whole lot of it is about beautiful feelings of joy, brotherhood, love and peace, never a bad thing any time, anywhere.
It is overwhelming to many, and over-commercialized to many more, who lament that the simple message of Jesus, love, peace and brotherhood, is lost amid the all the money-changing. And then there are the Bull O'Reallys of this world, looking to shove Christmas even further up our asses than it already is by denying that anyone has the right not to be over-awed or merely indifferent to what is in reality just one more religious holiday, and by Christianity's own estimation, a lesser holiday then Easter, which celebrates the Resurrection of Jesus, the culmination of his earthly mission that was only promised by his birth on Christmas.
The calendar dates of both of these holidays were arbitrarily picked, no one being exactly sure what day of the year Jesus was born or died. The exact days these events occurred don't really matter, only that around half of the earth's inhabitants (that would be the Christians of all the various sects) choose to celebrate them. If this brings them joy and fulfillment, well fine, but by no means must we expect this to be unanimous. It is not Christmas if you are not a Christian, and if you do not celebrate it that does not mean you are at war with Christmas, anymore that Christians are at war with Passover because they don't celebrate that Jewish holiday.
It's not exactly like anyone is forced to celebrate Christmas in secret around here, and no one's persecuting anyone over the their decision to celebrate this holiday in the biggest and splashiest possible manner. Those radio stations that blare out Christmas music all day every day are allowed to do so, and people who don't want to hear it are allowed to change the station. We have this thing called Freedom of Religion in America, and that means freedom for all religions, even that most pious and preachy faith, Atheism, whose zealous members are always seeking to make new converts.
No one can force anyone to bow to the God of another, or prevent them from bowing to the God of their choice, or to bow to no God at al. And God knows there are a lot of Gods to be worshipped in this world, with Christianity offering a 3-in-1 version of monotheism with the Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit (who used to be the Holy Ghost, but that was deemed too creepy so now he's The Holy Spirit.) The vast majority of Americans celebrate Christmas and openly practice their Christianity. If there is a war on Christmas, whoever is waging it is losing big. Anger addicts like Bull O'Really and anyone dopey enough to believe anything he says can relax and move on to the next non-issue to get themselves crazy over. Merry Christmas.
December 16, 2009
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 582
Everybody has a dream. It may not ever come true, but it's yours and yours alone, and no one can take that away from you.
INTERVIEW WITH SANTA
Well Ho Ho Ho, people. Guess who I ran into the other day in Manhattan? Good old Kris Kringle himself, Santa Claus! He was in town making some last minute preparations for his big night on Christmas Eve when he loads up his sleigh with toys for all the good little boys and girls, hitches up his reindeer and flies off through the night from his headquarters in the North Pole, completing his journey around the world by Christmas morning. Pretty impressive if you ask me. I've often wondered how Santa manages this miraculous task with an old sleigh and what must be some pretty old reindeer at this point.
He's been doing this routine for centuries now and the old guy's still got a nimble spring in his step. He's a little short, maybe around five-two, five-three, tops, and as round as you'd expect. His snow white beard is immaculately groomed and the trademark twinkle in his eye is still gleaming with delight. The only disconcerting thing about him when we met for the interview is that he wasn't wearing the red suit and fur-lined cap, instead wearing a smart corduroy blazer over a turtleneck and a pair of jeans. On his feet were a pair of Gucci loafers and he wore no cap at all. He explained that the red suit was for Christmas night only and besides, he was here on business, doing a final field test on his new GPS system.
BC: "Santa, you use a satellite navigation system?
SC: "Of course. What's the point of being Santa if you can't get all the latest toys?"
BC: "Oh. How did you used to do it?"
SC: "By the stars, just like the old sailors. It was a real hassle but I was younger then and a bit of a cowboy at the reins, if you know what I mean. The reindeer were younger too so we really put the pedal to the metal."
BC: "You still have the same reindeer?"
SC: "Sure. We're magic, you know. How else could we do what we do on Christmas Eve? And how else could I have the same reindeer for centuries?"
BC: "Makes sense. How about the elves? Are they magic, too?"
SC: "I wish. No, they're mortals, regular elves with regular life spans. Elves are the only ones willing to live and work at the North Pole. Those people don't mind the cold at all, and they're darn good craftsmen. If only they didn't drink so much..."
BC: "The elves are drunks?"
SC: "Not much else to do in the frozen north, my friend. I try to keep them occupied, you know. I've got a bowling alley, a heated pool, ball fields, a billiards hall and a couple of gymnasiums up there for them. But then that darned long polar night descends, six months of darkness... That's when the drinking and the fist fights start, and then they start hitting on each others' old ladies... it gets pretty ugly sometimes."
BC: "Ever think of relocating?"
SC: "Sure, lots of times, but the price of real estate is sky high. You have no idea how big an operation I'm running up there; toy factories, electronics assemblies, a whole division just for doll's clothes, a leather works for baseball gloves and footballs, to say nothing of the housing I need for all the elves and Mrs. Claus and myself and the stables for the reindeer."
BC: "I can see where a move might be a major undertaking."
"SC: "You said it. Sometimes I'm tempted to just contract it all out to China like Wal-Mart and chill out all year."
BC: "Santa, you can't be serious!"
SC: "Just dreaming out loud, my friend. No, Santa's got to do things like Santa does things and that's that. It just wouldn't be the same."
BC: "That's a relief. The elves still make everything by hand?"
SC: "Heck, no! I certainly don't go overboard with tradition. State of the art, Santa's workshop is, state of the art! We've got laser-guidied power tools, computer-coordinated assembly lines, robot welders like in the car factories, automated gift wrapping machines, all sorts of modern gizmos!"
BC: "When did all this happen?"
SC: "Son, there's been a population explosion these past few centuries in case you haven't noticed. Elves are not exactly rabbits when it comes to breeding so I only have a small workforce. Automation was the only way to go."
BC: "But you still read the letters from the kids and make a list of who's naughty and nice, right?"
SC: "Bob, you've been hitting the egg nog and brandy again, haven't you? Didn't I tell you there's been a population explosion? Nowadays I have a computerized database to keep track of who's naughty and who's nice and which kid wants what presents and where they live nowadays. Don't forget that plenty of people move around a lot these days. Years ago I had Bill Gates' people work me up a foolproof program that keeps track of all that."
BC: "That must have cost you a pretty penny."
SC: "No way. Gates did it for old Santa, just doing his part for Christmas. Who do you think got him started in the computer business in the first place by giving him his first electronics kit for Christmas?"
BC: "I guess that was you, Santa."
SC: "Bingo! The same with all the factory components. If it wasn't for my Elf Research and Development Division half of these new inventions wouldn't exist. These billionaire industrialists owe me big time and it's the least they can do to retool Santa's workshop every so often. Besides their help, I own a lot of patents for a lot of handy inventions. Ever hear of Velcro? That's my personal invention. It's made me a fortune."
BC: "You invented Velcro? For what?"
SC: "Yep. I needed a way to keep all the presents from falling off the sleigh without having to tie them down and waste time untying the knots at every stop. It works wonders."
BC: "I love velcro! What else did you invent?"
SC: "It's a long list, my friend. Let me put it this way, Edison and Bell were amateurs. by comparison. Everything I've invented has been an effort to streamline my operation and as it turns out a lot of these inventions have practical uses for home and industry. NASA used a bunch of them for their space program and Steve Jobs actually owes the success of the iMac to a couple of little doohickeys Santa invented. Apple computers have donated hundreds of computers to my operation, with all the bells and whistles. The royalties on the toothpaste tube alone have funded a generous benefits and retirement package for the Elves."
BC: "You invented that? But what good is the toothpaste tube to running a toy factory?"
SC: "That was strictly for Christmas Eve. The truth is I didn't invent it for toothpaste but for Preparation H. All that sleigh riding is murder on the old hemorrhoids and the tube was much handier than the jar."
BC: "Okay, so much for your inventions, Santa. tell me about Mrs. Claus."
SC: " Which one?"
BC: "Your wife, Mrs. Claus! The kindly looking little old lady with the white hair and the glasses we see in all the pictures..."
SC: "That would be Emma, God rest her soul, my first wife. She's sort of like a company logo today, sort of a tribute to my first love. She died three hundred and fifty years ago and I've been married a dozen more times, had a few live-in girlfriends as well. The current Mrs. Clause is Sandi, a real hottie, let me tell you..."
BC: "Santa, you mean Mrs. Clause is dead? How can that be?"
SC: "My wives are mortal, Bob. It's only me and the reindeer who are magic. It's a sad truth, but that's how it is. It's not all sugarplums and candy canes being Santa."
BC: "You buried a dozen wives? How sad..."
SC: "No, not all of them. Some of them divorced me."
BC: "They divorced Santa Clause?"
SC: "It's not easy living in the North Pole, Bob. Just me an around 500 alcoholic elves. If you're really not completely committed to Christmas, it's no life for a gorgeous babe."
BC: "Where do you meet these gorgeous babes, Santa?"
SC: "I must confess that a couple of them I found dancing on a pole in 'gentlemen's clubs.' Others I met in various nightclubs around the world, art galleries or restaurants. I may be magic, but I have my desires too, you know. And I figure for all I give to mankind I'm entitled to a little good clean fun with pretty lady. Emma, the first Mrs. Clause was a serving wench in a wild pub in Bristol, England. She was a real firecracker, she was..."
BC: "Santa, you're blowing my mind. here!"
SC: "Whoa, don't be judging, pal. Don't forget that I know all about you, what's naughty and nice about your taste in women too! And we both know it leans more towards the naughty, if you know what I mean. Which isn't a bad thing, mind you. Why, me and the current Mrs. Clause often like to ..."
BC: "Easy, Santa, kids might be reading this."
SC: "My bad, Bob. But now that you've got me thinking about Sandi I can't wait to get back to the pole. The North Pole, that is."
BC: "Of course. So Santa, since you know all about me and have since I was a little kid, how'd I turn out?"
SC: "Quite frankly, Bob, I'm disappointed in you."
BC: "But Santa, I've been trying to do my best..."
SC: "Gotcha! Just messing with your head, Bob, you're fine. Now you can tell your buddies you were punk'd by Santa."
BC: "Gee, Santa, you're not anything like what I expected."
SC: "Just goes to show where you can stick most expectations, no?"
BC: "I guess so, Santa. Well, Merry Christmas and have a good trip on Christmas Eve."
SC: "And a Merry Christmas to you, Bob! Ho, Ho Ho!"
And he was off in a flash. No, not on his sled with the eight tiny reindeer but in a cab to take him to the airport where his private jet would take him back to the North Pole to get ready for Christmas. A pretty nice guy, Santa, and more down to earth than you might expect. Quite earthy, actually. Well, good for him. Santa has done a lot of good for a lot of people over the years. If he wants to kick back in a gentlemen's club with a stiff whiskey and some gorgeous babes running their fingers through his beard after flying all over the world giving toys to children, well he's earned it. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
He's been doing this routine for centuries now and the old guy's still got a nimble spring in his step. He's a little short, maybe around five-two, five-three, tops, and as round as you'd expect. His snow white beard is immaculately groomed and the trademark twinkle in his eye is still gleaming with delight. The only disconcerting thing about him when we met for the interview is that he wasn't wearing the red suit and fur-lined cap, instead wearing a smart corduroy blazer over a turtleneck and a pair of jeans. On his feet were a pair of Gucci loafers and he wore no cap at all. He explained that the red suit was for Christmas night only and besides, he was here on business, doing a final field test on his new GPS system.
BC: "Santa, you use a satellite navigation system?
SC: "Of course. What's the point of being Santa if you can't get all the latest toys?"
BC: "Oh. How did you used to do it?"
SC: "By the stars, just like the old sailors. It was a real hassle but I was younger then and a bit of a cowboy at the reins, if you know what I mean. The reindeer were younger too so we really put the pedal to the metal."
BC: "You still have the same reindeer?"
SC: "Sure. We're magic, you know. How else could we do what we do on Christmas Eve? And how else could I have the same reindeer for centuries?"
BC: "Makes sense. How about the elves? Are they magic, too?"
SC: "I wish. No, they're mortals, regular elves with regular life spans. Elves are the only ones willing to live and work at the North Pole. Those people don't mind the cold at all, and they're darn good craftsmen. If only they didn't drink so much..."
BC: "The elves are drunks?"
SC: "Not much else to do in the frozen north, my friend. I try to keep them occupied, you know. I've got a bowling alley, a heated pool, ball fields, a billiards hall and a couple of gymnasiums up there for them. But then that darned long polar night descends, six months of darkness... That's when the drinking and the fist fights start, and then they start hitting on each others' old ladies... it gets pretty ugly sometimes."
BC: "Ever think of relocating?"
SC: "Sure, lots of times, but the price of real estate is sky high. You have no idea how big an operation I'm running up there; toy factories, electronics assemblies, a whole division just for doll's clothes, a leather works for baseball gloves and footballs, to say nothing of the housing I need for all the elves and Mrs. Claus and myself and the stables for the reindeer."
BC: "I can see where a move might be a major undertaking."
"SC: "You said it. Sometimes I'm tempted to just contract it all out to China like Wal-Mart and chill out all year."
BC: "Santa, you can't be serious!"
SC: "Just dreaming out loud, my friend. No, Santa's got to do things like Santa does things and that's that. It just wouldn't be the same."
BC: "That's a relief. The elves still make everything by hand?"
SC: "Heck, no! I certainly don't go overboard with tradition. State of the art, Santa's workshop is, state of the art! We've got laser-guidied power tools, computer-coordinated assembly lines, robot welders like in the car factories, automated gift wrapping machines, all sorts of modern gizmos!"
BC: "When did all this happen?"
SC: "Son, there's been a population explosion these past few centuries in case you haven't noticed. Elves are not exactly rabbits when it comes to breeding so I only have a small workforce. Automation was the only way to go."
BC: "But you still read the letters from the kids and make a list of who's naughty and nice, right?"
SC: "Bob, you've been hitting the egg nog and brandy again, haven't you? Didn't I tell you there's been a population explosion? Nowadays I have a computerized database to keep track of who's naughty and who's nice and which kid wants what presents and where they live nowadays. Don't forget that plenty of people move around a lot these days. Years ago I had Bill Gates' people work me up a foolproof program that keeps track of all that."
BC: "That must have cost you a pretty penny."
SC: "No way. Gates did it for old Santa, just doing his part for Christmas. Who do you think got him started in the computer business in the first place by giving him his first electronics kit for Christmas?"
BC: "I guess that was you, Santa."
SC: "Bingo! The same with all the factory components. If it wasn't for my Elf Research and Development Division half of these new inventions wouldn't exist. These billionaire industrialists owe me big time and it's the least they can do to retool Santa's workshop every so often. Besides their help, I own a lot of patents for a lot of handy inventions. Ever hear of Velcro? That's my personal invention. It's made me a fortune."
BC: "You invented Velcro? For what?"
SC: "Yep. I needed a way to keep all the presents from falling off the sleigh without having to tie them down and waste time untying the knots at every stop. It works wonders."
BC: "I love velcro! What else did you invent?"
SC: "It's a long list, my friend. Let me put it this way, Edison and Bell were amateurs. by comparison. Everything I've invented has been an effort to streamline my operation and as it turns out a lot of these inventions have practical uses for home and industry. NASA used a bunch of them for their space program and Steve Jobs actually owes the success of the iMac to a couple of little doohickeys Santa invented. Apple computers have donated hundreds of computers to my operation, with all the bells and whistles. The royalties on the toothpaste tube alone have funded a generous benefits and retirement package for the Elves."
BC: "You invented that? But what good is the toothpaste tube to running a toy factory?"
SC: "That was strictly for Christmas Eve. The truth is I didn't invent it for toothpaste but for Preparation H. All that sleigh riding is murder on the old hemorrhoids and the tube was much handier than the jar."
BC: "Okay, so much for your inventions, Santa. tell me about Mrs. Claus."
SC: " Which one?"
BC: "Your wife, Mrs. Claus! The kindly looking little old lady with the white hair and the glasses we see in all the pictures..."
SC: "That would be Emma, God rest her soul, my first wife. She's sort of like a company logo today, sort of a tribute to my first love. She died three hundred and fifty years ago and I've been married a dozen more times, had a few live-in girlfriends as well. The current Mrs. Clause is Sandi, a real hottie, let me tell you..."
BC: "Santa, you mean Mrs. Clause is dead? How can that be?"
SC: "My wives are mortal, Bob. It's only me and the reindeer who are magic. It's a sad truth, but that's how it is. It's not all sugarplums and candy canes being Santa."
BC: "You buried a dozen wives? How sad..."
SC: "No, not all of them. Some of them divorced me."
BC: "They divorced Santa Clause?"
SC: "It's not easy living in the North Pole, Bob. Just me an around 500 alcoholic elves. If you're really not completely committed to Christmas, it's no life for a gorgeous babe."
BC: "Where do you meet these gorgeous babes, Santa?"
SC: "I must confess that a couple of them I found dancing on a pole in 'gentlemen's clubs.' Others I met in various nightclubs around the world, art galleries or restaurants. I may be magic, but I have my desires too, you know. And I figure for all I give to mankind I'm entitled to a little good clean fun with pretty lady. Emma, the first Mrs. Clause was a serving wench in a wild pub in Bristol, England. She was a real firecracker, she was..."
BC: "Santa, you're blowing my mind. here!"
SC: "Whoa, don't be judging, pal. Don't forget that I know all about you, what's naughty and nice about your taste in women too! And we both know it leans more towards the naughty, if you know what I mean. Which isn't a bad thing, mind you. Why, me and the current Mrs. Clause often like to ..."
BC: "Easy, Santa, kids might be reading this."
SC: "My bad, Bob. But now that you've got me thinking about Sandi I can't wait to get back to the pole. The North Pole, that is."
BC: "Of course. So Santa, since you know all about me and have since I was a little kid, how'd I turn out?"
SC: "Quite frankly, Bob, I'm disappointed in you."
BC: "But Santa, I've been trying to do my best..."
SC: "Gotcha! Just messing with your head, Bob, you're fine. Now you can tell your buddies you were punk'd by Santa."
BC: "Gee, Santa, you're not anything like what I expected."
SC: "Just goes to show where you can stick most expectations, no?"
BC: "I guess so, Santa. Well, Merry Christmas and have a good trip on Christmas Eve."
SC: "And a Merry Christmas to you, Bob! Ho, Ho Ho!"
And he was off in a flash. No, not on his sled with the eight tiny reindeer but in a cab to take him to the airport where his private jet would take him back to the North Pole to get ready for Christmas. A pretty nice guy, Santa, and more down to earth than you might expect. Quite earthy, actually. Well, good for him. Santa has done a lot of good for a lot of people over the years. If he wants to kick back in a gentlemen's club with a stiff whiskey and some gorgeous babes running their fingers through his beard after flying all over the world giving toys to children, well he's earned it. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
December 15, 2009
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 581
The Great Wall of China and the Leaning Tower of Pisa were spectacular failures, but very interesting spectacular failures. Although building something that actually works is more impressive, at least they tried.
NO PUBLIC OPTION? WHAT'S THE POINT?
So now the Senators are selling out American citizens again, this time by taking the public option out of the pending health care reform legislation. Without that public option, the bill has no point at all and reforms nothing, once again leaving millions of Americans without any health care. What President Obama needs to do is veto this bill and start fresh. It is long past time for the United States to provide national health care for its citizens. The health insurance industry is an impediment to health care, for the most part being a profit-driven corporate structure.
While profit-driven corporate structures are fine in other industries, the health of a nation's citizens should not be just another business. Health care should be the right of every American, just like it is our right to be protected by our police forces, fire departments, criminal justice systems and our armed forces. It is in the nation's best interests to protect all its citizens, and caring for their health is about as basic as that gets.
President Obama was elected in large part because he promised to reform health care and provide medical insurance to every American, and like a fool he left the details up to Congress. Well, Congress can't seem to be able to plan a meal, never mind a comprehensive national health care system. These cynical sellouts are screwing the pubic once again, bowing to pressure (and bribes) from the rich and powerful medical and drug industry lobbyists.
These transparent assholes are instructed by their benefactors to claim that the government has no business replacing an existing industry, ignoring the fact that most effective and cost-efficient health care provider in America is the United States Government, via Medicare and Medicaid, and have been for the forty-plus years of their existence. There is also the system of Veterans Hospitals that have been in successful operation since 1930. What the government needs to do is extend Medicare to all Americans, and expand the system accordingly.
Why ignore the obvious when it is staring us right in the face? Medicare works, period. It cares for our elderly citizens, a demographic beset with far more ills than the rest of us, and does it very well. Doctors gladly accept the Medicare fee schedule, as do hospitals, and make a decent living from these payments, and Medicare patients receive excellent health care. The same is true of Medicaid. Private health insurers, meanwhile, are designed to make profits, a goal at odds with efficient and comprehensive health care.
They have had de facto "Death Panels" for years and years, often condemning patients with serious diseases that could be treated and cured to death by denying them expensive treatment or declaring their disease a "pre-existing condition" and thus not covered by their costly health plans. And there are tens of millions of Americans who cannot afford private health insurance, and this law leaves them and their children in exactly the same position as they already were; uncovered and extremely vulnerable to disease, injury and death. Our Senators and Congressmen could give a shit less about the people they work for (us) and just proved it again
The "public option" that these corrupt legislators ridicule is far more efficient and effective than any other health plan. A health care reform bill without some sort of public option must be vetoed, and the president has to rip these people new assholes to remind them who it is they are working for, the American people and not the corporations. Obama blew this one big time by not insisting on specific details and the inclusion of every single American citizen. Let's see if he has the balls to admit it, and to do something about it.
While profit-driven corporate structures are fine in other industries, the health of a nation's citizens should not be just another business. Health care should be the right of every American, just like it is our right to be protected by our police forces, fire departments, criminal justice systems and our armed forces. It is in the nation's best interests to protect all its citizens, and caring for their health is about as basic as that gets.
President Obama was elected in large part because he promised to reform health care and provide medical insurance to every American, and like a fool he left the details up to Congress. Well, Congress can't seem to be able to plan a meal, never mind a comprehensive national health care system. These cynical sellouts are screwing the pubic once again, bowing to pressure (and bribes) from the rich and powerful medical and drug industry lobbyists.
These transparent assholes are instructed by their benefactors to claim that the government has no business replacing an existing industry, ignoring the fact that most effective and cost-efficient health care provider in America is the United States Government, via Medicare and Medicaid, and have been for the forty-plus years of their existence. There is also the system of Veterans Hospitals that have been in successful operation since 1930. What the government needs to do is extend Medicare to all Americans, and expand the system accordingly.
Why ignore the obvious when it is staring us right in the face? Medicare works, period. It cares for our elderly citizens, a demographic beset with far more ills than the rest of us, and does it very well. Doctors gladly accept the Medicare fee schedule, as do hospitals, and make a decent living from these payments, and Medicare patients receive excellent health care. The same is true of Medicaid. Private health insurers, meanwhile, are designed to make profits, a goal at odds with efficient and comprehensive health care.
They have had de facto "Death Panels" for years and years, often condemning patients with serious diseases that could be treated and cured to death by denying them expensive treatment or declaring their disease a "pre-existing condition" and thus not covered by their costly health plans. And there are tens of millions of Americans who cannot afford private health insurance, and this law leaves them and their children in exactly the same position as they already were; uncovered and extremely vulnerable to disease, injury and death. Our Senators and Congressmen could give a shit less about the people they work for (us) and just proved it again
The "public option" that these corrupt legislators ridicule is far more efficient and effective than any other health plan. A health care reform bill without some sort of public option must be vetoed, and the president has to rip these people new assholes to remind them who it is they are working for, the American people and not the corporations. Obama blew this one big time by not insisting on specific details and the inclusion of every single American citizen. Let's see if he has the balls to admit it, and to do something about it.
December 14, 2009
UH OH, WE'RE ALL GOING TO LIVE FOR CENTURIES!
Raymond Kurzweil, the guy who accurately predicted the internet, pocket-sized computers, web-based education, smart cell phones and digital books, music, movies and software, is at it again. He confidently informs us that within a decade we will all be somewhat bionic, having our computers installed in our bodies and/or clothing and being able to access the world wide web through chips implanted in our heads. Not only that, we'll be genetically engineered to live a lot longer, and without disease, obesity or the ravages of aging, while our muscles are toned by genetic receptors without the bother of strenuous exercise. We will put on special glasses to allow us to see 3D computer images, movies, books or a bunch of other people with their special glasses on.
Petroleum will be outmoded and the sun will provide almost all of humanity's energy needs, while cars will automatically avoid crashing, with driverless cars being introduced to completely eliminate human error from automobile traffic. No word on whether or not we can snooze in our cars (or drink!) while they get us from point A to point B. Maybe we can sit there quietly and refresh our memories with the aid of the internet, to which we will be permanently wired. Or maybe recharge our plastic internal organs we'll be having installed temporarily while new ones are being grown in a laboratory from our own DNA. Sounds exciting, but there are questions about all this. Such as:
Will Larry King Live be on the air for the next 300 years? No, thanks.
If there is a power blackout, will we all just fall down like puppets that have had their strings cut? Who will hook the power back up?
Will we get spam e-mails delivered right onto our heads? Who needs that?
If Bono gets to live for centuries, imagine how pompous a windbag he'll be by the hundred and forty-eighth U2 album? There will be like, two songs on the whole album, and the rest will be a ponderous speech about the nature of life while the rest of the band plays echo chamber arpeggios in the background.
If they program our DNA to avoid diseases, what excuse will we use to skip work? Hell, our great-grandmothers won't even be dying anymore!
Without obesity, who will we make fun of? Will jolly fat people be bitter if they're suddenly slender? And if muscles can be programmed to stay fit without any exertion, what will all those annoying diet and exercise gurus do with themselves?
When they start reprogramming our genetic makeup, will those of us who are old look old forever? Healthy and disease-free, but still looking all wrinkled and grizzled? That's pretty creepy.
Or maybe we'll all wind up looking around 28 years old, every one of us looking all buff and attractive, our brains hooked into computers and our cell phones installed in our eyelids, every one of us walking encyclopedias, able to obtain doctorate-level knowledge in a flash. What incentive will there be to develop a personality? Where will be the challenges? It's fairly certain that crap will get on our nerves in no time, and then the random murders will begin.
Will we still have to shit? Seems like a pretty rotten chore for such streamlined, beautiful and modern cyber-creatures. Farting would also be pretty unssemly. No word on any genetic progress on those tawdry facts of life.
What about fucking? Will that be allowed? With almost 7 billion people on the planet right now, imagine if we all lived 500 years or more? With that kind of life span and with perfect health, and with machines doing the driving and many other mundane chores, people will want to make love for days at a time, and even sleek super beings will get pregnant once in a while. You think the lines at Starbuck's are long now? Let's hope the genetic alterations leave our humping alone. Besides, life would kind of suck without bunches of children running around. We'll just have to start a lot more wars to kill off the extra people, which should be no problem for humanity. If the choice is either no fucking or war, war will win out every time.
And speaking of Starbucks, who would want to work there for 300 years, especially someone who's beautiful, super intelligent and has instant access to millions of people and infinite sources of information with just a thought? Think that person would give a rat's ass about how you like your half-caf vanilla mocha latte?There would be no shortage of volunteers to sign up to fight the wars rather than work lousy jobs for centuries.
Also, are the scientists really thinking this whole deal through? The race of beings they propose to hand all these cyber powers and near-immortality is not a bunch of enlightened, loving, tolerant and intellectual entities, it is us, the beings who invented lemon-scented toilet paper and the guillotine. Scary to have any of us around for 500 years or more.
Perhaps we should break into this whole immortal super race thing gradually, maybe give everybody an extra ten years to see if they behave themselves, and hold off on that brain chip installation. Odds are we're going to screw it up big time anyway, start using these things as weapons, like we do with every other cool invention we've ever had. Being human means being imperfect and downright ornery. Do we really want to multiply that times forever? Most pressing of all, can we live with Larry King for another 300 years?
Petroleum will be outmoded and the sun will provide almost all of humanity's energy needs, while cars will automatically avoid crashing, with driverless cars being introduced to completely eliminate human error from automobile traffic. No word on whether or not we can snooze in our cars (or drink!) while they get us from point A to point B. Maybe we can sit there quietly and refresh our memories with the aid of the internet, to which we will be permanently wired. Or maybe recharge our plastic internal organs we'll be having installed temporarily while new ones are being grown in a laboratory from our own DNA. Sounds exciting, but there are questions about all this. Such as:
Will Larry King Live be on the air for the next 300 years? No, thanks.
If there is a power blackout, will we all just fall down like puppets that have had their strings cut? Who will hook the power back up?
Will we get spam e-mails delivered right onto our heads? Who needs that?
If Bono gets to live for centuries, imagine how pompous a windbag he'll be by the hundred and forty-eighth U2 album? There will be like, two songs on the whole album, and the rest will be a ponderous speech about the nature of life while the rest of the band plays echo chamber arpeggios in the background.
If they program our DNA to avoid diseases, what excuse will we use to skip work? Hell, our great-grandmothers won't even be dying anymore!
Without obesity, who will we make fun of? Will jolly fat people be bitter if they're suddenly slender? And if muscles can be programmed to stay fit without any exertion, what will all those annoying diet and exercise gurus do with themselves?
When they start reprogramming our genetic makeup, will those of us who are old look old forever? Healthy and disease-free, but still looking all wrinkled and grizzled? That's pretty creepy.
Or maybe we'll all wind up looking around 28 years old, every one of us looking all buff and attractive, our brains hooked into computers and our cell phones installed in our eyelids, every one of us walking encyclopedias, able to obtain doctorate-level knowledge in a flash. What incentive will there be to develop a personality? Where will be the challenges? It's fairly certain that crap will get on our nerves in no time, and then the random murders will begin.
Will we still have to shit? Seems like a pretty rotten chore for such streamlined, beautiful and modern cyber-creatures. Farting would also be pretty unssemly. No word on any genetic progress on those tawdry facts of life.
What about fucking? Will that be allowed? With almost 7 billion people on the planet right now, imagine if we all lived 500 years or more? With that kind of life span and with perfect health, and with machines doing the driving and many other mundane chores, people will want to make love for days at a time, and even sleek super beings will get pregnant once in a while. You think the lines at Starbuck's are long now? Let's hope the genetic alterations leave our humping alone. Besides, life would kind of suck without bunches of children running around. We'll just have to start a lot more wars to kill off the extra people, which should be no problem for humanity. If the choice is either no fucking or war, war will win out every time.
And speaking of Starbucks, who would want to work there for 300 years, especially someone who's beautiful, super intelligent and has instant access to millions of people and infinite sources of information with just a thought? Think that person would give a rat's ass about how you like your half-caf vanilla mocha latte?There would be no shortage of volunteers to sign up to fight the wars rather than work lousy jobs for centuries.
Also, are the scientists really thinking this whole deal through? The race of beings they propose to hand all these cyber powers and near-immortality is not a bunch of enlightened, loving, tolerant and intellectual entities, it is us, the beings who invented lemon-scented toilet paper and the guillotine. Scary to have any of us around for 500 years or more.
Perhaps we should break into this whole immortal super race thing gradually, maybe give everybody an extra ten years to see if they behave themselves, and hold off on that brain chip installation. Odds are we're going to screw it up big time anyway, start using these things as weapons, like we do with every other cool invention we've ever had. Being human means being imperfect and downright ornery. Do we really want to multiply that times forever? Most pressing of all, can we live with Larry King for another 300 years?
December 13, 2009
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 579
Sometimes life feels wonderful and the future is full of challenges, excitement, fulfillment and hope. Then the alarm clock rings.
DEAR DOT KAHM: ADVICE FOR THE BEFUDDLED
Since we introduced our advice column by Ms. Dorothy "Dot" Kahm, bobcrespo.com has been flooded with e-mails from the lovelorn and confused. Dot Kahm's down to earth, no-nonsense advice has apparently struck a chord:
Dear Dot: I have been dating the same man for 11 years now, and he keeps promising to divorce his wife and marry me, but he always has some excuse or other not to leave her. Lately he's giving me the old song and dance about waiting for the kids to grow up. Dot, his kids are in their 20s! What should I do? - Waiting in Wisconsin
Dear Waiting: Since you didn't forward a photo, I can't help but wonder if you look as stupid as you sound. You know exactly what to do, you ignorant bimbo, but you're too much of a damned doormat to do it! Don't blame any man for wiping his feet on a doormat, honey, that's what doormats are for.
Dear Dot: I have a friend who has a big problem, and I wonder what I can say that might help him out. It seems that he used to be a big acting star but lately the roles have been few and far between and of very low quality, even though my friend is just as talented as ever. Should he fire his agent and manager and get new representation? - Anxious in Anaheim
Dear Anxious: Don't hand me that "friend" crap, buster! You're David Hasselhoff and you're right, you have just as much talent as ever- none! A new agent won't change that. Get used to "Dancing With The Stars" and infomercials, pal, where careers go to die. It's just your bum luck that they cancelled "Love Boat" "Fantasy Island," and "Hollywood Squares," shows featuring has-beens like yourself that were at least campy and fun. Forget about any more "Bay Watch" reunions, you're all way too flabby for bathing suits. And as for "Knight Rider," that dopey talking car showed a wider range of emotions than you.
Dear Dot: Whenever I meet a new woman, I get all sweaty, nervous, uptight and tongue-tied. It's very frustrating, Dot. What should I do? - Lonesome Jim
Dear Lonely and Horny: Ever hear of hookers? They don't give a rat's ass how awkward and stammering you are as long as you pay cash money. And who knows, you might even learn to relax once you're getting laid on a regular basis, and hanging around with hookers is a good way to remove that stick from your ass. Women are only people too, Jimmy, no need to get nuts about the whole thing.
Dear Dot: I am a scientist and I've been working on a theory about interstellar gravitational displacement my whole life but there's one equation that's been preventing me from proving my ideas. I'm enclosing the pertinent numbers problems. Any thoughts? - Flummoxed in Florida
Dear Flummoxed: You're making a common mistake in your integrated mathematics, Flummoxed. Try substituting the xy variable of the tangential sub-equation with the figure 168.779823 and it works out perfectly. See Einstein's paper on the curvature of space and review Kurt Godel's Incompleteness Theorems. You'll find they confirm your conclusions and your theory vastly improves human understanding of stellar drift mechanics and their effect on the cosmos. Glad to be of help.
Dear Dot: My girlfriend tells me I should get a job and move out of my mother's basement, but that's where all my computers and video games are. Besides, I make lots of money hacking into the bank accounts of rich people. Should I listen to my girl? - Zorba the Geek
Dear Zorba The Geek: Since when do nerds get to have girlfriends? Sounds to me like you're ahead of the dweeb curve, Zorba. And if you're making so much money, why don't you buy this girlfriend of yours some expensive jewelry and nice clothes? Odds are she'll stop breaking your balls.
Dear Dot: Is it just me or is this world getting crazy lately? -Nutso Norman
Dear Nutso: It's just you.
Dear Dot: Could you speak out on the degradation of women through sex? - Lily Belle
Dear Lilly Belle: Speak for yourself, you prissy ditz! Good sex is an elevation of your humanity and femininity, not a degradation. What you need is a new partner, or several. With a mouthful of a real man, maybe you won't be wasting my time talking such stupid shit. Have some fun already!
Dear Dot: I am ten years old and my Mom thinks I'm too young to be thinking about girls, but I can't help it. Is there something wrong with me? - Billy
Dear Billy: Bless your heart kiddo, but at only ten, thinking about girls is all I'd recommend for now. But I will tell you this, Billy: you have a bright future ahead of you. Just remember to stay curious and always take your time. Girls like a boy like that.
Dear Dot: Do you ever feel alienated? - Horace
Dear Horace: No.
Dear Dot: Whenever I go jogging, I get a huge hard-on. It's very embarrassing. Any suggestions? - Bulging in Brooklyn
Dear Bulging: Sure, just jog over to my place and I'll take care of that problem personally. I live on Avenue U and East 56th Street, third house from the corner, the one with the replica of Michaelangelo's David out front.
Dear Dot: I have been dating the same man for 11 years now, and he keeps promising to divorce his wife and marry me, but he always has some excuse or other not to leave her. Lately he's giving me the old song and dance about waiting for the kids to grow up. Dot, his kids are in their 20s! What should I do? - Waiting in Wisconsin
Dear Waiting: Since you didn't forward a photo, I can't help but wonder if you look as stupid as you sound. You know exactly what to do, you ignorant bimbo, but you're too much of a damned doormat to do it! Don't blame any man for wiping his feet on a doormat, honey, that's what doormats are for.
Dear Dot: I have a friend who has a big problem, and I wonder what I can say that might help him out. It seems that he used to be a big acting star but lately the roles have been few and far between and of very low quality, even though my friend is just as talented as ever. Should he fire his agent and manager and get new representation? - Anxious in Anaheim
Dear Anxious: Don't hand me that "friend" crap, buster! You're David Hasselhoff and you're right, you have just as much talent as ever- none! A new agent won't change that. Get used to "Dancing With The Stars" and infomercials, pal, where careers go to die. It's just your bum luck that they cancelled "Love Boat" "Fantasy Island," and "Hollywood Squares," shows featuring has-beens like yourself that were at least campy and fun. Forget about any more "Bay Watch" reunions, you're all way too flabby for bathing suits. And as for "Knight Rider," that dopey talking car showed a wider range of emotions than you.
Dear Dot: Whenever I meet a new woman, I get all sweaty, nervous, uptight and tongue-tied. It's very frustrating, Dot. What should I do? - Lonesome Jim
Dear Lonely and Horny: Ever hear of hookers? They don't give a rat's ass how awkward and stammering you are as long as you pay cash money. And who knows, you might even learn to relax once you're getting laid on a regular basis, and hanging around with hookers is a good way to remove that stick from your ass. Women are only people too, Jimmy, no need to get nuts about the whole thing.
Dear Dot: I am a scientist and I've been working on a theory about interstellar gravitational displacement my whole life but there's one equation that's been preventing me from proving my ideas. I'm enclosing the pertinent numbers problems. Any thoughts? - Flummoxed in Florida
Dear Flummoxed: You're making a common mistake in your integrated mathematics, Flummoxed. Try substituting the xy variable of the tangential sub-equation with the figure 168.779823 and it works out perfectly. See Einstein's paper on the curvature of space and review Kurt Godel's Incompleteness Theorems. You'll find they confirm your conclusions and your theory vastly improves human understanding of stellar drift mechanics and their effect on the cosmos. Glad to be of help.
Dear Dot: My girlfriend tells me I should get a job and move out of my mother's basement, but that's where all my computers and video games are. Besides, I make lots of money hacking into the bank accounts of rich people. Should I listen to my girl? - Zorba the Geek
Dear Zorba The Geek: Since when do nerds get to have girlfriends? Sounds to me like you're ahead of the dweeb curve, Zorba. And if you're making so much money, why don't you buy this girlfriend of yours some expensive jewelry and nice clothes? Odds are she'll stop breaking your balls.
Dear Dot: Is it just me or is this world getting crazy lately? -Nutso Norman
Dear Nutso: It's just you.
Dear Dot: Could you speak out on the degradation of women through sex? - Lily Belle
Dear Lilly Belle: Speak for yourself, you prissy ditz! Good sex is an elevation of your humanity and femininity, not a degradation. What you need is a new partner, or several. With a mouthful of a real man, maybe you won't be wasting my time talking such stupid shit. Have some fun already!
Dear Dot: I am ten years old and my Mom thinks I'm too young to be thinking about girls, but I can't help it. Is there something wrong with me? - Billy
Dear Billy: Bless your heart kiddo, but at only ten, thinking about girls is all I'd recommend for now. But I will tell you this, Billy: you have a bright future ahead of you. Just remember to stay curious and always take your time. Girls like a boy like that.
Dear Dot: Do you ever feel alienated? - Horace
Dear Horace: No.
Dear Dot: Whenever I go jogging, I get a huge hard-on. It's very embarrassing. Any suggestions? - Bulging in Brooklyn
Dear Bulging: Sure, just jog over to my place and I'll take care of that problem personally. I live on Avenue U and East 56th Street, third house from the corner, the one with the replica of Michaelangelo's David out front.
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