THIS JUST IN: DOPOTO FINDS A FAN OF SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING!

The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO) deals with many eclectic tidbits of information, but editors here were excited at having finally met a fan of Synchronized Swimming. That oddball sport, whose origins and inclusion in Olympic sporting events are a mystery, involves 2 or more people swimming in a pool together to the accompaniment of music. How they hear the music when they duck underwater is a mystery, as is the fact that this so-called sport draws a crowd.

At any rate, the performances are judged on artistic merit, how well the swimmers mimic each others' movements and for the lack of near-drowning incidents. The only proper perch for appreciating the swimming program is directly overhead, and the only person who has that seat is the cameraman, who gets no vote at all. Everybody else, audience and judges alike, has to sit on the side of the pool and glimpse a bobbing head or two or perhaps two sets of legs kicking in unison every so often. And it's up to the judges, one assumes, to decide whether some of these gyrations are part of the underwater dance or a cry for help.

Inexperienced judging has led to tragedy in the past, in one instance the awarding of the Gold Medal to two dead women, whose death throes were perfectly synchronized and quite dramatic, leading to several standing ovations and a couple of perfect 10 scores. Of course the medal ceremony was a bit awkward, what with Olympic officials gamely trying to hold up their flopping cadavers during the playing of their nation's national anthem, but it was a proud moment for that nation to have won the coveted Gold Medal for Synchronized Swimming, Female Pairs.

Which leads us to one Ralph Frumunda, a self-described Synchronized Swimming fanatic. In fairness to our readers, we decided not to publish our interview with Mr. Frumunda, as he turned out to be a decidedly disturbed individual, a man who has had many restraining orders issued against him by Synchronized Swimming competitors. It turns out he's a rubber fetishist and thinks the sport is some kind of live porno show. He shows up at competitions with fistfuls of dollar bills to stuff in the ladies' rubber bathing caps and swimsuits.

He has been firmly escorted out of the arena in several Olympic competitions and even spent a few weeks in foreign jails here and there over the years. He obtained his release time and again when it was discovered that no nation has any laws on their books regarding fan decorum at Synchronized Swimming competitions. DOPOTO sent a young and attractive female staffer to interview Ralph Frumunda and he spent their time together begging her to wear a series of bathing caps and wave her arms around gracefully so our reporter terminated the interview and proceeded to the nearest facility for a long hot shower.

So, we here at The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious are no closer to unravelling the mystery of the origins of Synchronized Swimming than we were before our unfortunate encounter with Ralph Frumunda, but we are seeking answers to this perplexing riddle. As for Mr. Frumunda, he is heading to China for the Beijing Summer Olympics with tickets to every Synchronized Swimming match, carrying plenty of cash in small denominations and many spare rubber bathing caps. Here's hoping there's a rousing competition, nobody drowns and Ralph stays out of a Chinese jail.