LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 271

Every day is the beginning of a new year, offering the hope of infinite possibilities, yet we only celebrate the official beginning of the New Year, January 1st. Considering what we humans do to most of the years given us, that's probably all for the best. It's a better idea to stay real and not get carried away with that infinite possibility nonsense and just try our best not to screw up this one too profoundly.

ISRAEL SETS THE TONE FOR 2009

In Israel, the leadership there was pondering a 48 hour truce in their latest war with the Palestinians. It seems the Hamas thugs across the border were firing small rockets randomly into Israel for the past few weeks, causing a few deaths and some damage, but mostly terrorizing the populace with the randomness of the whole ordeal, never knowing who will be in the path of one of these rockets. So, Israel being Israel, they decided to amend the Biblical quotation of "an eye for an eye" to the more modern version: "the whole head and upper torso for an eye" and proceeded to drop thousands and thousands of tons of bombs on the Palestinians in Gaza.

Of course the whole world was shocked by war between the Israelis and Palestinians. Exactly why we were shocked remains a mystery when those two identical-looking peoples have been at war for as long as anyone can remember. International pressure was brought to bear on Israel to at least call a truce, and then assess how best to proceed in order to resolve their differences. It is a momentous time, the beginning of a new year that many in the world hope will be the dawn of a new era of peace and harmony.

Israel actually considered calling off the war for a while, maybe twenty minutes to half an hour, but then figured, what the hell, who are we kidding? And so they continued the heavy bombing raids and thus ensured that 2009 will be ushered in with at least one more high-profile war to set the tone for this New Year, 2009. Naturally they said all the proper things about being open to diplomacy in the near future and having hopes for a permanent peaceful solution to their "neighbor problem," but they had everything set up for more saturation bombing and it seemed such a waste not to just let fly with some more metal death from the sky.

Plus, they've got their tanks and ground troops all lined up ready to invade, and a lot of time and effort went into that military buildup. Seems a shame to send everyone home disappointed, so expect some entertaining house to house street fighting video on your cable news channels to augment the usual New Year's drivel about Times Square and various pompous ceremonies where we promise ourselves that this year, by God, this year will be different! In a sense, Israel and Palestine have done the world a great service by holding a mirror to our faces. THIS is who we are and THIS is what we do.

These two small tribes in tiny insignificant countries are no different from the rest of humanity. Perhaps circumstances and political fortunes have placed them a lot closer together than other warring belligerents, but that cheek-by-jowl closeness has not had the same results as the same situation in New York City, for example, where stiff gun laws prevent the outbreak of hostilities before people have a chance to get to realize that the other guy is really okay. Too many arms manufacturers have made this New Jersey-sized piece of real estate an armed camp where seemingly every little kid and his mother can pull out an AK-47 from under their robes to brandish for the TV cameras. Their fathers and big brothers carry rocket-propelled grenade launchers like they were lunch pails or something.

In an atmosphere like that, it would be more surprising if war did not occur on a regular basis. And then there's the entertainment industry to consider, more commonly called the news media, who for the past half century have relied heavily upon Israel and Palestine to provide dramatic war stories for the enjoyment of the whole world. That's a lot of pressure on these people to produce, and produce in a big and dramatic way. And so over the years the plot has thickened with the introduction of smaller and deadlier weapons, the recruiting of women (!) to be suicide bombers and the ever-increasing deadliness of Israel's counter attacks. This latest war has brilliantly lived up to all our expectations as the buildings fall and the body counts rise.

The question is: How can they top this? What will it take to truly satisfy their bloodlust, and that of their audience, the rest of us? Is Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert's statement that this is "a war to the end" any indication that this will be the biggest show (war) to come out of the Middle East since the Six Day War of 1967? Now, that was a show, rivaled only by the 1973 Egypt-Israeli war featuring the biggest tank battle since World War 2. Olmert's statement is most likely an exaggeration made for public consumption. Why "fight to the end" when there's plenty more good TV ratings to be had in the future, many other New Years' hopes to be dashed? In Israel and Palestine, war is practically the only interesting thing about the place, unless you're a huge fan of olive groves, ancient religions and people who can't stand one another.

Contributions flow most heavily into the Israeli and Palestinian treasuries during times of conflict. Larger nations eager to test their latest weaponry in the relatively safe arenas of small proxy wars arm both sides to the teeth with very expensive killing gadgets. No sense killing the golden goose with one huge war when that goose keeps on laying one war egg after another, thus bringing hard currency and media attention to a location most people would be hard-pressed to recall without all that exciting warfare. Israel actually trades on this whole repetitious scenario to promote a lucrative tourism business!

This war will probably last a few more days, just enough to sully the blank slate of a new year with blood and burnt flesh and let us all know that the business of being human has a dark and ghastly side. Once again the Middle East has shown us just how much work we've all got to do. America is still mired in the most senseless war in our own history and the globe is dotted with wars and genocide campaigns. And 36,000 people still die every single day from starvation, far outdistancing the body counts of all our wars, and the vast majority of them are small children. So let's get on with this New Year and see if we can do something, anything, about all of this crap, or New Year's 2010 will be another stale re-run. Here's wishing us all a Busy New Year so that our future New Years can be happy ones.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 270

People used to laugh at the fools back in the 1960s who spoke of spreading peace and love. Considering that we've pretty much explored their alternatives, war and hate, to the point of exhaustion and that really hasn't worked out all that well, maybe they weren't so crazy after all. Let's wage peace and love for a change.

GET RICO ON THE CASE!

There's a law on the books of the United States Federal Penal Code called the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act, or RICO for short. It's a prosecutorial tool used to bust up organized crime syndicates like the Mafia, the Russian mob and various drug cartels and has been used on a variety of defendants whose activities can be categorized as an ongoing organized criminal enterprise. Passed in 1970, it defines organized criminals as those who commit specific crimes over a ten year period. If convicted of those crimes, an additional 20 year sentence for racketeering is available for lucky winners on top of the penalties for their actual crimes.

While the law was designed to attack the Mafia, with mob boss Frank "Funzi" Tieri getting the dubious honor of being the first Mafiosi convicted under RICO, it has been applied as well to the Hell's Angels motorcycle gang, the Key West police department, the Latin Kings street gang, Major League Baseball and Michael Milken, who was indicted on 98 counts of insider trading. So RICO sounds like an ideal law to apply against the ring of thieves who blew up the world economy in 2008. Here's a list of possible defendants should the government decide to prosecute the financial services industries using their most effective legal tool:

Al "Dante" Gotrocks: As CEO of Credit, Shmedit! Mortgage Lenders, Mr. Gotrocks instituted a company policy of giving mortgage loans to dead people, then packaging those loans as top-rated securities and selling them along with Sham Wows and Ginsu knives on TV informercials.

Jerome "Jerry Jets" Lawson: The chairman of the board of Megaglom Credit Card, Mr. Lawson ordered the issuing of credit cards to grammar school students, prison inmates and newborn babies, figuring these were demographic groups vasty underrepresented in the credit boom. His company went bust when his new customers couldn't pay for the billions of dollars worth of video games, cigarettes and high tech strollers. "Jerry Jets" got his nickname from his acquisition of a small air force of corporate jets even though his company had only a single location. He also bought several dozen helicopters for top executives to go to lunch or get the newspapers, and paid for all these aircraft with worthless Megaglom credit cards.

RIchard Hertz: The CEO of Worldwide Worldwide Corporation, Mr. Hertz has been accused of reporting net profits of 40 bazillion dollars and using that inflated figure to hand out billions of dollars in bonuses to himself and scores of top executives. When the smoke cleared, it turned out the company was worth only around 800 bucks and hadn't actually sold any products for the past 7 years. Undaunted, Hertz declared Worldwide Worldwide a charity and took tax deductions amounting to billions of dollars, which the IRS actually "refunded" to the company even though they had never paid a cent in taxes to the treasury. The tax windfall was distributed to Mr. Hertz himself and used to build an exact replica of Versailles Palace on his ocean front property in Palm Beach.

Delbert Cranberry: Mr. Cranberry has been indicted on charges of selling stocks in a nonexistent company called Really, Really RIch Guys, Unlimited. The suits on Wall Street snapped up his worthless stock to the tune of several billion dollars before it was discovered that Mr. Cranberry had been operating from a studio apartment above a barber shop in Queens using a cheap laptop computer. He had no product to offer, no staff and no business credentials whatsoever. In defense of his gullible super-wealthy victims, he did, however, have an expensive haircut, many impressive suits, played golf quite well and had a very confident manner.

Marvin Gardens: Named for a square on the board game "Monopoly," Mr. Gardens took his name seriously and in 2002 cornered the market on yellow ties and before too long had all of corporate America paying ridiculously high prices for their "Power Ties" from Only Yellow Ties, Incorporated. Gardens took the company public and sold billions worth of stock that turned out to be useless when yellow ties lost their popularity in favor of red ones and Only Yellow Ties Incorporated didn't have any red ties to sell.

Monroe Bilderbottom: The chief executive officer of the Megagiantcolossal Big Bank of The Universe, Mr. Bilderbottom has been accused of cutting out all the middlemen when stealing from his customers by rigging his bank's ATM machines to deposit 5 bucks from the customers' accounts into his personal Cayman Island account on every third transaction. The charges were explained as routine maintenance charges and seldom disputed but it netted the CEO a few billion untaxed dollars. He was turned in by his own executive corps when they discovered they were cut out of the larceny loop while they had to make do with old fashioned, low tech bank theft; inflating the company's net worth and exaggerating profits to artificially drive the price of the stock through the roof until they unloaded their own shares, leaving their investors holding the (empty) bag.

The Combover Brothers: Lester, Elliot and Fred Combover are partners in the law firm of Combover, Combover & Combover. The Combovers practiced corporate law and had as their clients all the defendants listed above. They stand accused of money laundering, bank fraud, tax-evasion, stock manipulation, insider trading and always smiling when they spoke, no matter what was the subject matter. Investigators had their suspicions confirmed when it was discovered that all 3 Combovers had been trained as TV newscasters and never went to law school, so charges of practicing law without a license and unnecessary smily speak have been added.

J. Cuthbert Willingham Mortimer "Bunky" DeLanier-Wilberforce IV: The guy did nothing wrong, but he's a wealthy banker with a ridiculous name that cries out for a stiff jail term. Federal prosecutors are combing the fine print of the RICO statutes to find the applicable legal remedy, and investigators are working feverishly to find out what the "J" stands for and how it could possibly be so much worse than his other names that he doesn't use it. He was also a client of the Combover Brothers so authorities figure between the single initial in front of a bunch of funny names and the Combover connection he's got to be up to no good. And then there's his very annoying habit of smiling when he speaks...

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 269

You're only as old as you are. How you feel has no bearing on the calendar. No sense kidding ourselves.

THE HATFIELDS AND McCOYS GO GLOBAL

Just when we thought we'd celebrate a New Year with some vague hopes of progress in the Peace Department, the good old reliable Israelis and Palestinians remind us once again that there need not be a dime's worth of difference in our ethnic pedigrees before we earnestly slaughter one another. Rocket attacks met with bombing raids and no doubt an imminent invasion by Israeli ground troops helps us cling to the familiar in the face of a blank slate of a New Year. We can rest assured that 2009 will be like 2008, only more so. So while president-elect Obama tries to figure out how the get America out of one war, our staunch ally Israel provides the world with a reminder that the Middle East will continue to be a thorn in the side of human progress and any hopes for peace for the foreseeable future.

While various African nations have been doing their part, staying busy as one-armed piano players practicing genocide on minority ethnic groups within their borders that look just like the majority ethnic groups, it took the high-profile Middle East to really send home the message that the world is full of the fighting spirit of the Hatfields and McCoys, two families on the West Virginia-Kentucky border that feuded for decades for reasons both families forgot long before they ended their fatal hostilities. It seems the reasons for feuds (and wars) become secondary once the shooting starts, and then it's a matter of custom and inertia. Would the Israelis and Palestinians know what to do with themselves without a sworn blood enemy?

How about all those tribes in Africa? With no subhuman dogs to slaughter they just might have to come up with a workable way to govern their nations. Where's the fun in that? Where's the glory? Besides, peaceful governments usually have to answer to their citizens for their failures and ineffectiveness, subjects that never come up when one's nation is in a constant state of national emergency (war). And it's not just our leaders who are to blame for this crap, it's us too, who buy into the irrational hatred. Did any American really have a beef with Iraq? How many of us spent sleepless nights worrying about that nation before we invaded them? Well, now there's plenty of reasons for concern, but still not a damned one for hating anybody.

It wasn't the Iraqis who gutted our economy, it was domestic enemies, organized crime rings operating on a grand sale in corporate circles, who even now are spreading the word that the world financial crisis is nobody's fault, and at the same time everybody's fault, including (!) poor people, but certainly not their fault. Which, one supposes, is a handy message to spread when you've just blown trillions of everybody's hard earned and the investigators are circling. And a new war in the Middle East is just the antidote needed for the disease of self-examination and recriminations. Now if they can only figure a way to spread the conflict far and wide there will be vast fortunes to be made and subsequently squandered.

Guns, war planes, rockets and tanks are darned expensive, and so is rebuilding everything those things blow up. To the financial services industries, wars are simply business opportunities. Nations need vast amounts of financing to procure weapons, and no nation provides them for free. Armies must be paid and fed, and hospitals must be set up to handle all the catastrophic injuries. None of this can be done without financing and that nation that stiffs its creditors will see its enemies heavily financed to destroy them, so generally they pay up. Of course that may mean less food going to starving people in many cases, but that's the price to be paid for jump-starting the world economy with warfare.

India and Pakistan are certainly doing their part, both massing troops along their common border, both ignoring the facts that before 1948 they were the same country and their people look identical. They haven't had a really good dust-up over Kashmir in years, and the recent terror attacks in Mumbai gave them just the opportunity they needed to start hostilities on a grand scale. The trick these days is to make sure their shooting war is not on too grand a scale though, what with their nuclear arsenals and all, so theirs is a subtle dance and a fine line will have to be struck, that is; no great victories so as to humiliate the other nation.

Trading small victories and ending an undeclared war in a stalemate is the better deal for all concerned, so that both nations may declare victory without the unthinkable outcome of Americans not having anybody to call when their computers go on the blink and the service centers we rely on are vaporized in a nuclear holocaust. That would be a most traumatic occurrence. So let's hope for the best in all these brand new wars breaking out, the best unfortunately being that not too many civilians get slaughtered and nobody decides to drop The Big One. And let's hope against hope that America can keep out of the equation in all of them. Happy New Year.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 268

The final nail in the coffin of the Roman Empire was the name of its last emperor: Gluteus Maximus.

ILL CONSIDERED REPLIES

We live in a social world, heavily populated and in close proximity to one another. It is always best to be civil, kind and considerate in our dealings with other human beings. We must all endeavor to behave cordially and wisely toward our fellow man. Often in this turbulent, fast-paced modern world it is difficult to maintain our civility and from time to time we commit social lapses that may wound the feelings of others or get us into trouble. In the interest of public service Bob Crespo.com has compiled a short list of ill-considered replies to often asked questions. Avoid the following wrong answers:

The Question: "Have you been drinking, sir?"
The Wrong Answer: "Funny you should ask, officer. Care for a pop?"

The Question: "Would believe I'm past 40?"
The wrong answer: "Yes."

The Question: "Don't you adore my new hairdo?"
The Wrong Answer: "No."

The Question: "What kind of dog do you like"
The Wrong Answer: "Sauteed."

The Question: "My 401k needs help. Can you recommend a good investment counselor?"
The Wrong Answer: "I hear that guy Bernard Madoff is a real miracle worker."

The Question: "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The Wrong Answer: "I only make those clunkers. When I need a reliable ride, it's corporate jet time!"

The Question: "Who should we appoint to fill that vacant Senate seat?"
The Wrong Answer: "The highest bidder, of course."

The Question: "Do I look fat in this dress?"
The Wrong Answer: This is a trick question. Any reply you can think of will be incorrect.

The Question: "Why is the sky blue?"
The Wrong Answer: "Because it hasn't taken its Prozac today."

The Question: "Why can't we all just get along?"
The Wrong Answer: "We'll get along just fine once we slay all those inferior dogs across the border!"

The Question: "Why did the Muslim woman cross the road?"
The Wrong Answer: "Was she alone? In that case, she crossed the road to avoid being stoned to death for her defiant immodesty!"

The Question: "911 operator. What is your emergency?"
The Wrong Answer: "This is the CEO of Morgan/UnChastened Megagiant Credit Mortgage Investment Bank Lenders Unlimited. It seems we've run out of money again. Our whacky executives went a little hog wild betting wrong on oil futures, bad mortgages and black jack at Monte Carlo, the scamps. Be a dear and send over another $87 billion, would you?"

The Question: "Do you believe in miracles?"
The Wrong Answer: "Would you like to join my Palin 2012 committee?"

The Question: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
The Wrong Answer: "Define 'truth', please."

The Question: "Is that a Susquehanna hat you're wearing?"
The Wrong Answer: "Yes"

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 267

The most insignificant day of the week is Tuesday. Nobody looks forward to it. No one remembers what they did on a Tuesday. Nothing momentous ever seems to happen on a Tuesday unless some major holiday happens to fall on one every so often, and when that happens people are very disappointed and declare the holiday ruined. Tuesday is the Rodney Dangerfield of weekdays.

RULES FOR GENTLEMEN

My cousin Joe got a good book for Christmas called "How To Be A Gentleman." It is a handy little tome we had a lot of fun with at our holiday gathering. It's an updated version that covers things like text-messaging while crossing busy streets and gym etiquette as far as not hogging the exercise machines or grunting excessively. The proper etiquette for handling annoying tele-marketers is discussed. There's even tips about how to be a gentleman while shopping. There's all sorts of useful tidbits of information to help modern man behave like a gentleman and thus contribute to a more considerate, responsible and kind world. There were, however, some surprises. For example:

A gentleman always takes the wet spot.

A gentleman is always circumspect when stalking, and carefully maintains the hundred-yard distance from the lady in question that is recommended in the restraining order.

In the event of his getting arrested, a gentleman doesn't waste his one phone call dialing a sex line.

When crossing the street to avoid a particularly annoying acquaintance, a gentleman does so with subtlety and grace.

When someone starts a war with you, a gentlemen never invades the wrong country in response. Instead, he attacks those who attack him, no matter how much oil other countries may have.

When playing cards, it is permissible for a gentleman to cheat only when the money at stake is substantial.

When employing the services of a prostitute, a gentleman never charges the bill to his company's expense account. He pays in cash from his own funds and tips generously.

When faced with the choice between an admission of guilt and evading responsibility for criminal conduct, a gentleman always lies with a straight face and a calm demeanor.

When escorting a lady out on the town a gentleman never frequents the same clubs and restaurants he patronizes with is wife.

While it is an accepted maxim of the true gentleman to never steal anything small, a gentleman never steals 50 billion dollars from those who trust him with their life savings and charity endowments.

When seeking a fresh boutonniere for one's tuxedo after business hours, one's neighbor's rose garden may provide a gentleman with a satisfactory alternative to the florist.

A southern gentleman never wears a white sheet after Labor Day.

When the subjects of religion and politics arise in social settings, a true gentleman limits his derogatory remarks to those not present.

A gentleman does not kiss and tell. Receiving oral sex, however, is a whole different story, and other gentleman may be regaled with such tales to one's social advantage, but only when no ladies are present.

A gentleman does not cut the line at an open bar, unless of course he perceives that the bourbon is running low. In that instance only is it permissible to exert one's gentlemanly prerogatives, perhaps with some deft footwork and a subtly placed left hook.

A gentleman never shoots his friends in the face with a shotgun, especially when a small-caliber pistol is handy. One shot to the knee will deliver the same message without the inconvenient blood spatter. Always exhibit consideration for those who launder your wardrobe.

When refusing to give up his subway seat to an elderly lady, a gentleman always affects a limp when he gets up to exit the train.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 266

Don't rob yourself of your dreams. They may be all we ever have, and that just might be enough.

DREAMS

What fools we are. We build air castles, long for things we may never have, wish for a better way of life and a better world. In short, we dream. Our dreams are smooth and shiny, and they glow with a soft, appealing light. They are born in our minds, carefully nurtured and fed until they take on their own shapes and have a life of their own, at least in our mind's eye. Everyone everywhere has dreams, without exception, some of us more than others to be sure, but we all dream.

There are those among us who would deny that, but they are bigger fools than the biggest dreamers. Perhaps they have ceased to dream when their own dreams went unfulfilled. Maybe their dreams were sour, vengeful affairs that crippled their souls. Who knows what happens to some people? Whatever the case, they are the people who scorn the dreamer and dismiss their dreams. Theirs must be a sad and empty existence. What they don't know is that the fulfillment of dreams is not the point of dreaming. Dreaming is the point, the act of imagining what is not, letting our minds go wherever curiosity and imagination might take them.

If one is able to dream, then one is able to act upon those dreams, and dreams that come true can affect the whole world. Dreamers gave us the the Magna Carta, railroads, the Pieta, polio vaccine, the Taj Mahal, airplanes, the Mona Lisa, Beethoven's Fifth, wine, poetry, Ferris wheels, spaghetti, Huckleberry Finn, roller skates, popcorn, the Brooklyn Bridge, chocolate, tractors, sunglasses, light bulbs, a round earth, the moon landing, velcro, balloons, super-soakers, miniskirts, telephones, computers, Corvettes, jelly beans and America. A lot of the people responsible for those things were ridiculed as dreamers, maybe told they were wasting their time on things that would never be. But they were dreamers, those people, every one, and dreamers know things.

Dreamers know that their dreams are step 1. They also know that not all their dreams will work out. But some do. Step 2 is working on making that dream a reality. So are steps 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 or however many steps it takes. Usually the dreaming is the easy part, unless you're Albert Einstein, who's whole body of work was dreaming; thinking about things and writing down his thoughts. He left it to others to prove his dreams, content to dream other dreams. Well, Einstein's dreams turned out to be completely accurate and mathematically perfect when his seemingly outrageous theories of General Relativity and Special Relativity were tested scientifically. They changed science and the world. He often said that his laboratory was his mind, a pad and a pencil. A real dreamer's dreamer.

There was once an American dreamer who shared his dream with the world. He never lived to see it come true, but Martin Luther King dreamt of a world where his children would be judged by the content of their character and not the color of their skin. Forty five years later America took him up on that challenge and elected Barack Obama to be our next president, the first African-American to gain that office and an event that was unthinkable in 1963. Martin Luther King was assassinated five years after delivering that speech, and he seemed to know his life would be a short one because of his dreams and his activities, but he never hesitated to share his dreams and labor to attain them, not just for himself, but for all men, the oppressed and the oppressors alike, that we all might live in a better world.

His dreams and his untiring efforts to achieve them had already been instrumental in the passage of the historic Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the National Voting Rights Act of 1965. In his last great speech on April 3, 1968, the day before his death, he spoke candidly of not making it to the fulfillment of his dream, and how that mattered very little in the great scheme of things. He did not fear the dream killers, and granted them no power over him. The Dream was out there, it was public property. The Dream was growing and would not die with Martin Luther King, in spite of mighty efforts by those who would crush his dream. On January 20, 2009, a huge part of a dreamer's dream comes true, and the world is changed for the better once again. And so we dream again, and see what else we can change.

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2008

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY CHANUKAH TO ALL. IT'S TIME TO ENJOY OUR FAMILIES, COUNT OUR BLESSINGS AND GIVE AND GET LOVE. FOR AT LEAST A DAY OR TWO, BOB CRESPO SPEAKS AND THE DEPARTMENT OF POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS WILL TAKE A BREAK FROM THIS STRIDENT WORLD AND SEEK THE COMPANY AND THE SOUL-ELEVATING COMFORT OF OUR LOVED ONES. HERE'S WISHING EACH OF YOU A HAPPY HOLIDAY FILLED WITH JOY, GOOD PEOPLE, GOOD FOOD AND PRECIOUS LOVE. WAGE PEACE.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 265

Contrary to what some people would have you believe, there are more than two types of people in this word. There are actually three: pessimists, optimists and drunks. Of the three, the least disappointed person is the pessimist, since he expects nothing, the most pleasant is the optimist, since he is always filled with hope, but happiest is the drunkard. A drunk doesn't care one way or the next if his glass is half empty or half full since he knows it's going to be empty in a flash, and then full again, then empty again, and then full again and so on and so on until he's feeling happy, confident, loving, powerful, wise and free.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 264

You have to feel sorry for all those very wealthy people who just lost all their money to investment frauds. Or not.

PREDICTIONS FOR 2009

Time for predictions for 2009. It's too late to jump on the crippled economy bandwagon since that seems to be on everybody's predictions list. Besides, that is not a real prediction, it's simply reading the newspapers and figuring out we're heading for lean times. Well, no shit, Nostradamus! And then there's Condoleezza Rice's doozy, predicting that Barack Obama will continue Bush The Younger's disastrous foreign policy. Sort of makes you understand how she's stuck with the guy for the whole 8 years of his presidency. She's just as loopy as he is. We should have known all along with that 1950's sit-com hairdo.

Predictions for the New Year should be grounded in reality and very plausible. Some are pretty easy, like this one: A better and smaller iPod will be introduced at a press conference where Steve Jobs will creep everybody out again. There, that was easy. Bobcrespo.com could stick to no-brainers like that one in the interest of accuracy, but that's too easy and not nearly as much fun as swinging for the fences and really trying for something new and different. What the hell, they're only predictions and we take them about as seriously as we do our New Year's resolutions. Here goes:

In January, Shotgun Dick Cheney will say goodbye to the American public by shooting a few more of his friends in the face just for the hell of it and then order Bush The Younger to pardon him. He will then retire to one his favorite undisclosed locations to complete the process of becoming completely automated.

Osama bin Laden will release a brand new video around the time of the inauguration. In a departure from his usual minimalist style, for this one he's going big budget and will employ back-up singers and dancers and feature the rapper Ludacris to interpret his message in hip hop poetry. Gone will be the simple backdrop of rocks and the studio set, for reasons that will remain unexplained, will be a recreation of Emerald City from the Wizard of Oz.

In a combination of Green Eco-activism and anarchy, outlaw bicycle gangs will appear on the scene. Animosity between rival gangs will result in a rash of drive-by slappings and spirited insults. No one will take them seriously.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, will begin wearing shoe lifts and wearing his hair in a high pompadour. He'll still be short but he'll be real creepy.

In the final game of the 2009 baseball season, the Yankees newest and richest pitcher ever, the burly 6 foot, 7 inch tall C.C. Sabathia, will set a baseball record by hitting 400 pounds.

Scientists will discover nothing of any use to anyone and cure no diseases but will find some planets a billion light years away and make up a few diseases that can be "cured" by expensive drugs with weird side effects that can be countered by other expensive drugs with weird side effects, and so on and so on. A brand new Nobel Prize category in marketing will be awarded.

President Barack Obama will create a new government agency, the Department of Comedy. The first Secretary of Comedy will be Carlos Mencia. His duties will be up to him, the president figuring he'll come up with something entertaining to take America's mind off the 2nd Great Depression.

Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol will give birth to a son and Governor Palin will insist he's the Messiah and announce the beginning of the Rapture. Later in the year, Bristol will earn big money posing for the centerfold of Playboy magazine. Governor Palin will declare her daughter a witch and a servant of the Anti-Christ, who she will identify as Al Franken.

Vladimir Putin will start dressing like Stalin. Not to be outdone, the recently retired President of the United States George W. Bush will start showing up at Texas Rangers baseball games dressed as Uncle Sam.

Former boxing champion George Foreman will come out of retirement to fight for the heavyweight title at age 60 and win it with a with a fifth round knockout of Vitali Klischko delivered with a body blow. That is, George will belly-bump the champion into the ropes, trapping him there with his huge fat body before punching him silly.

At the end of 2009 the economy will suddenly recover and the Depression will end when the lost trillions of dollars suddenly reappear just as mysteriously as they vanished. A huge accounting error will be blamed. President Obama will decide to keep the Department of Comedy around, just in case.

The National Hockey League will make history when in a hockey game between the Detroit Penguins and the Philadelphia Flyers, not a single fist fight breaks out. Disappointed fans will riot.

The Supreme Court will decide that gay marriage is just fine, but not for any civil rights reasons. In a majority opinion, Justice John Paul Stevens will explain that the court has decided that in light of the fact that nearly 50% of all marriages end up in divorce court, gays just haven't been doing their fair share when it comes to supporting the legal community.

Everybody in Zimbabwe except for President Robert Mugabe will die of cholera and Zimbabwe will truly be his alone. Upon learning of this, the United Nations will breathe a sigh of relief and form a Blue Ribbon Panel to study the continuing genocide campaigns elsewhere in Africa. Their non-binding resolutions will be due in the year 2013.

The overwhelming Democratic majorities in both houses of Congress will pass a law outlawing fedoras, not for any particular reason, but just because they can. In a show of solidarity and civil disobedience, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh will start wearing fedoras. The Democrats get a huge kick out of the whole thing before the Supreme Court tosses the law.

Sports Illustrated Magazine will declare that golf and bowling really aren't sports after all, but games, and they will cease to cover them. Their indisputable logic will be that even people who are really out of shape can excel at these activities that require minimal physical exertion, no strategy beyond the obvious object of the game and no defense. No one will argue since golfers and bowlers aren't too keen about breaking a sweat.

Bernard Madoff will be found not guilty at his trial for defrauding his fellow super-wealthy people on the grounds that they were gullible and greedy idiots begging to be ripped off. Adding insult to larceny, the judge orders his victims to pay his legal fees.

Oprah Winfrey will announce her plan to stay fat for good when she finds out that Las Vegas bookmakers have a betting line on her weight fluctuations. The over/under number recently hit 258 pounds plus or minus 3. Disappointed oddsmakers turn to a betting line on when the immensely fat and drug-addled Rush Limbaugh finally has a stroke or a heart attack. Betting is brisk and the smart money goes with the stroke.

And finally, a the new Harry Potter movie will be released and will do no business at all when people realize what silly drive it all was in the first place.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 263

Never hurt anybody you don't mean to. That's just sloppy. Focus!

STANDARD END OF THE YEAR "PEOPLE IN THE NEWS" RECAP

In case you haven''t been paying attention, there was a lot of news reported in 2008. Outside of volcanoes and dopey pet stories, the news always seems to revolve around people. Who did this, who did that, who had this done to them, who killed who, who won, who lost, who died, who thrived, who stole Granny's nest egg and so on. Being that the 2008 hour glass is swiftly running out of sand, it's time to restate the obvious with an annual People In The News Recap. 2008 was a pretty tumultuous year with a lot going on and a lot of people sticking their two cents in and a lot of very big stories. Earth shattering, stunning and momentous and whatnot.

Let's ignore all that. No sense adding even more blah-blah-blah to the big stories. Suffice to say that Bush The Younger kept screwing up this nation in ways no one thought humanly possible, Barack Obama won the dubious honor of cleaning up after him and for a kicker the greedy corporate princes finally achieved their goal of stealing all the money. We know all that. Heard it said in a thousand ways and it's still the same bleak mess with the only ray of hope some skinny black guy out of Chicago who for all our sakes had better be more than good, at the minimum great. Miraculous would better. Enough said about all that.

So, what else happened? Oil prices shot through the roof and then came back down again just to let us know that the venal swine who run Big Oil and OPEC (is there a difference?) can screw up our lives pretty much anytime they want, as if we needed that irritating reminder. Baseball free agents scooped up whatever millions were left over from the Wall Street Greeding Frenzy. TV got even worse with more reality shows and shit-coms, one dumber than the next. In an unprecedented occurrence, the rich didn't get richer, but the poor still got poorer, models of consistency. In Africa, genocide continues to be such a success that some people have decided that adding slavery to the mix sounded like a fine idea. At least for the slave owners, anyway. The slaves are not so crazy about it. Like they say, everything old is new again. Look at Somalia and their pirates. Very retro.

This was another year when a lot of people looked for excuses for their poor behavior, nothing ground-breaking there. Unfortunately for the screw-ups, however, this is The Information Age, so the old standard excuse that they didn't know any better doesn't work so well anymore. It's not like they can claim that the information was unavailable when eight year olds can look it up in about a minute and a half. Expect next year's excuses to be more dementia-oriented and of the blaming-the-other-guy variety.

Other people in the news included some poor sap who got trampled to death at a Walmart store by shoppers who stepped over his lifeless body to fight over the privilege of buying cheaply made Chinese crap for their kids for Christmas. There was a lady who got a face transplant, a pretty generous gesture by the donor, who unlike a kidney, had no spare. A lot of scientists were in the news this past year, not for any exciting breakthroughs they've made in any of their fields of endeavor, but basically to wring their hands over global warming and to announce that they guessed wrong on lots of things. Well, there's no shortage of Discovery Channel and National Geographic shows about scientists who came before them and actually discovered and invented things for these achievement-challenged dopes to narrate so they can still feel useful and smart. That's something, no?

Then there was the guy who won a whole bunch of gold medals in the Beijing Olympics in spite of the chunky-stye air. To his credit, he came home and claimed his rewards: hundreds of millions of dollars in endorsements and a stripper girlfriend. And speaking of China and the Olympics, their government officials restored the world's confidence in their commitment to tyranny when they revoked any freedom of the press and the internet they had temporarily granted during the Games immediately following the Closing Ceremonies. Snuffed them out like the Olympic torch. People were sort of unnerved by whatever limited openness and access they had allowed while the world spotlight was on Beijing, but that great rift in The Force was restored by the intrepid Chinese leadership with a deft combination of brutal crackdowns and dire threats. Well done, Comrades.

Mercifully, no new Harry Potter movies were released this year, but the bleak forecasts for 2009 turn even grimmer with the announcement of a new installment of this geek series being released in the Spring of 2009. Meanwhile, Hollywood producers are fearful that they have exhausted all possible comic book characters being translated into big box office movies and have rejected scripts depicting Archie and Jughead as super heros with uncanny strength and mutant abilities and several others exploring the possibilities of making Zap Comic's Mr. Natural a crime-fighting hippy. So far, the committees and focus groups that make movies these days are undecided what the next moronic trend ought to be.

In celebrity news, always a source of stellar journalism, there were the usual suspects getting drunk, arrested, sent to drug rehab, making incoherent political statements, switching sexual identities, announcing some really boring personal transformation and appearing on Dancing With The Former Stars. Nothing to sink one's teeth into, even with Madonna's splashy divorce. What did her ex-husband expect? Exactly who did he think he married, Marie Osmond? You don't get a pit bull and then complain when it bites the neighbors. But we've seen this all before, so everyone was delighted when in an end-of-the-year coup, the ever-reliable Paris Hilton reported she'd been robbed of $2 million in jewels because she left her front door open. You go, girl!

The New York football Giants had a good year, winning the Super Bowl against the New England Patriots, a team everyone had ordained beforehand as the Best-Ever-In-The-Universe-For-All-Time-And-Into-The-Future. Which is why they actually play these games. Just in case the unexpected happens, you know. Also having a banner year was video star Osama bin Laden, topping the charts with several incoherent diatribes made in Pakistan, of all places. He's been having quite a few good years since he burst onto the international scene in September of 2001. Having less successful years were a series of bin Laden's #2 and #3 men, guys who seem to draw Predator Drone missiles like flies to rotten fish. Nervous Al Qaeda aides are jockeying for non-consideration for the vacant posts, feverishly nominating the other candidates as being far more worthy.

And speaking of candidates, John McCain had a pretty disappointing 2008, but his running mate Sarah Palin took the opportunity to set herself up to be irritating on not only a national, but a global scale for many years to come. Which is not exactly good news for her soon to be shotgun-wed son-in-law Levi Johnson, an amiable enough piece of trailer trash who didn't seek all this publicity. Now his Mom's been arrested for possession of the prescription drug Oxycontin, Rush Limbaugh's favorite intoxicant, er, that is... pain killer. Young Mr. Johnson figures it's only a matter of time before the crystal meth lab in his family's garage is uncovered.

As for anybody else making news in 2008, well, they know who they are and so do we. Most are better left unmentioned since they are either thieves, killers or crooked politicians. Items of good news have been few and far between, pretty much beginning and ending with the Giants winning the Super Bowl and Obama's election. And so just like every other disappointing year we turn to New Year's and a new beginning, a fresh and clean new year for us to swear we're going to cherish before we crap all over it. Can't wait for next year's' happy recap about all the great things we're going to accomplish. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.

LIFE EXPLAINED PART 262

Nobody loves you like your mother. Well, maybe Granny, but that's about it. Good thing, too. How many sweaters can you put on?

TEHRAN? I COULD HAVE SWORN THIS IS NEW YORK!

If you read a lot of conservative and Republican opinion pieces, after a while you barely notice the pervasive anti-New York bias in a lot of their messages. It is so pervasive and matter-of-fact you sort of read through it to get at what they are really trying to say. It seems to be an underlying assumption, like the sky is blue and New Yorkers are rotten subversives bent on destroying America. Being a lifer in New York, born and raised here, you sort of get used to all manner of blatant and subtle put-downs of your home town. And being a New Yorker, you really don't give a rat's ass who approves or disapproves of you, but once in a while you wonder how this attitude came to be so prevalent. And you realize just how lucky and blessed you are to live in New York City, a place like no other.

You know, of course, that's it's not Utopia and has its fair share of problems, but you look at it like Winston Churchill looked at governments when he said: "Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all those other forms that have been tried from time to time." Well, that's New York, and people have been knocking it forever but have yet to come up with a better idea. So some invent a New York loaded with subversives and liberals. I'm a liberal and yet I don't find all that many people who share my views. My own children often disagree with my politics. Most people are fairly conservative around here.

As far as subversives go, I've met very few, and I've met thousands and thousands of people. I could count them on the fingers of one hand and get change, and they've been harmless fools whose only transgression was being boring. Last I checked, the biggest subversive in America in the past 20 years or so, Timothy McVeigh, wasn't from New York City. He came from a small town in western New York State, Great Lakes country. He graduated high school and then joined the army and saw combat in the first Iraqi war, earned a Bronze Star and received an honorable discharge. He was neither boring nor interesting, he just sort of existed in an invisible sort of way, and seemed like a typical son of Middle America; quiet, hardworking and earnest. Until he killed 168 pople with a truck bomb in Oklahoma City, that is. He didn't seem so typical then. So, you never know who's who. Why paint anybody with any brush when you don't know them?

But people like to equate New York with perceived enemy locales like Moscow at one time or these days Tehran. Now, I don't know much about Tehran except that it is the capital of Iran and home to some decidedly poor excuses for human beings in the halls of power there, but I can't really summon up any animosity towards the city itself or Iranians in general any more than I ever considered Moscow to be an evil city filled with evil human beings. Maybe if I got to know them and they annoyed the crap out of me, but only then. Demonizing strangers and creating enemies where there are none is something most New Yorkers leave to others. And if we get to be designated as Sodom and Gomorah in the eyes of some people who have never set foot in the place or met any of us, well, who cares? We still have to get up every morning and go about our business, and there's enough to worry about in this world other than people's silly impressions of you and your city.

New York is often lumped in with Los Angeles as being somehow different from, and hostile to America. I know about as much about Hollywood as I do about Tehran, but my general impressions are that it's a very American City, Spanish name and all. Hollywood is there, lots of Mexicans, plenty of blonde haired people, palm trees and great weather all the time. Sounds okay except for their appalling lack of snow. What Los Angeles and New York do have in common, though, is that the American Dream Machine was invented in those two cities, the ideas by which all of America defines itself. In New York it is located on Madison Avenue in the advertising industry, in L.A. it is in Hollywood and their movies.

So how these two cities came to represent to many Americans all that is wrong with our nation is a mystery. Almost half of all Americans can trace an ancestor to where I live, in Brooklyn, and every single American has enjoyed the movies great and otherwise that are produced in Hollywood. Both places attract more tourists than any other American cities. So you wonder. Was it something we said? Do some people still need a bogeyman that bad that they make up stuff about places and the people in them? Seems pretty odd. Nobody seems to complain about Wichita or Denver. Well, that being said, let's put the finger on who the real bad people in America are. That would be the city and the people of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Now there's an enclave of godless liberal subversive traitors if ever there was one. Why Sheboygan? Well, why New York and L.A.? And why not Sheboygan? To hell with those pinko rats bent on unraveling the fabric of American life!

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 261

Expecting a corporation to be loyal to the nation that made it wealthy is like counting on your imaginary friend to watch your back in a fist fight. It's a nice thought but it's not going to happen.

FOR SALE, BOB CRESPO.COM, BROKERED BY BERNIE MADOFF!

*Author's Note: This announcement is in regard to my other website, http://www.bobcrespo.com. If this whole thing works out, perhaps very soon I'll be offering shares in this web site too. Watch these pages for further developments. -Bob Crespo

I'm going public, ladies and gentlemen! Consider this message to be the official bobcrespo.com IPO. I am assured by my good friend Bernard Madoff that IPO stands for Initial Public Offering, so I'm offering people the chance to get in on the ground floor by buying stock in my web sight. Mr. Madoff has been kind enough to let me use his 17th floor offices in the famous Lipstick Building in Mid-town Manhattan, quite a step up, headquarters-wise, from my modest living room in Brooklyn. It seems Bernie's got some time on his hands lately, having left one of his businesses in the hands of his sons and the other one, the one previously located on the 17th floor of the Lipstick Building, in the hands of the Federal Government. He says I can move in when the Feds are finished "processing some papers," or some other technical process, I'm not exactly sure.

It's kind of complicated how that happened, but Bernie tells me that was his "secret business," and one that made him a fantastic personal fortune, more than even the Feds will ever realize, whatever that means. He chuckles a secret little laugh when he says that so I don't press him for the details. I figure that with the Feds involved and it being called his secret business and all he was probably involved in some Top Secret government stuff, you know, spies and fighting terrorism and the like. It must be, since a lot people seem to be trying to get at Bernie to harm him, no doubt heinous villains.

But not to worry, Bernie seems quite well protected by all kinds of Federal Agents, who have even thoughtfully provided him with a tracking device around his ankle in case any of these bad guys try any funny business. Real high-tech stuff, let me tell you, and combined with the small army of government operatives surrounding his house and even inside his house guarding him and going over information on his personal computer and various papers he has in his safe, well, that only reinforces my impression that he was involved in some pretty high level government stuff.

And he's got some house too, a huge brownstone in Manhattan loaded with famous works of art and expensive furnishings, more like a combination museum/palace than a home. And just think, this is the guy who wants to put together my IPO! Bernie's a legend on Wall Street and is on a first name basis with a ton of major investors, but he tells me he'd rather find some new customers for bobcrespo.com stock, fresh meat as he puts it. Must be a Wall Street term. I'm not so well versed in the financial services industry so I'm relying on Bernie to guide me through this whole process.

For example, I was pretty surprised that you're allowed to sell 5,000% of your company and still keep 51% ownership for yourself. I also found out that you don't have to report all the income to the government either, at least not for the first 15 years. Must be a corporate thing. I'm honestly not looking that far down the line I'm so nervous, but Bernie tells me he's got a whiz of an accountant who's got a fancy office in a strip mall on Staten Island who will be reviewing all the pertinent papers. That's very reassuring. After all, it's my name on the mast head around here and I want everything to be on the up and up. Thank God I have a friend like Bernie Madoff who's been there before many times or I'd really be a nervous wreck!

Not Bernard Madoff, though. Nerves of steel, let me tell you. Here's a guy in the middle of wrapping up a huge top secret government operation, Federal Agents all over the place and angry foreign provocateurs trying to get to him and he's as calm as monk, planning our IPO (Bernie will become my full partner here) and ordering real fancy looking stock certificates for bobcrespo.com from his printer and arranging a press conference to offer the stock to general public. He tells me the initial offering will be for $50 per share and he's sure he can move at least 250,000 shares the first day. I'm not so good at math but Bernie assures me that with my 51% ownership of the company that I ought to clear at least 75 thousand bucks for myself. Wow!

That's a lot of dough, especially when you consider that bobcrespo.com doesn't make any money to speak of, but Bernie tells me that's all going to change now and a whole lot of people will be speaking about this transaction very soon. He promised me that the name Bob Crespo will be on a lot of lips in no time. How cool is that? I asked him if we'll have to pay dividends to stock holders, but he says no, they'll have those $50 dollar fancy stock certificates to show for their investment, and they can keep them and they could become worth more and sell them for a profit if they like. Like I said, I'm not really up to speed about how the world of high finance works, but with Bernard Madoff as my teacher, I'll bet I'll be learning some valuable lessons real soon!

So, kind readers, if you like bobcrespo,com and always dreamed of getting in on the ground floor of a major investment opportunity, here's your chance! For only 50 bucks a share you can own a piece of this website and be guaranteed to watch your investment change value very rapidly (Bernie told me to say that. I think that's another one of those Wall Street terms for rising in price.). Anyway, this is an exciting time for bobcrespo.com and I hope a lot of people will buy our stock. In this insecure economy people are looking for safe places to put their money, so it's a great thing that the "Guru of Big Bucks" is behind this deal. That is why stock in bobcrespo.com comes at a good time for investors and the overall economy. With Bernard Madoff running the show, what could possibly go wrong?

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 260

Once it was impossible to fly. Now, it is hard to avoid it. What's next?

THE DAY OUR MINDS TOOKS OFF

It was 105 years ago today that humans had their minds lifted into the clouds. It was on this day in 1903 that a couple of high school dropouts who looked like refugees from a barber shop quartet first took to the air. Brothers Orville and Wilbur Wright of Dayton, Ohio not only made the first heavier-than-air powered flight, they unwittingly freed all of mankind from earth-bound thinking. Their inspiration and hard work necessary to achieve their dream inspired millions to question where the boundaries of human achievement lie. We are still earnestly pursuing that line of thought.

Because of Orville and Wilbur Wright, we now have iPods. While that may be a leap of logic, that is exactly what many people considered the brothers' notion that man can fly. Within a decade of their 12-second flight at the lofty height of 20 feet above Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, there were many thousands of airplanes being invented and manufactured all over the the world; bigger, better and being adapted to all sorts of practical uses. The armed forces of the World were busily building aircraft that would eventually change the face of warfare while private interests were altering modes of transportation and commerce.

This fascination with flight eventually led man into space and ultimately to the moon, and the problems that needed to be solved to achieve space flight and safe reentry into earth's atmosphere has provided humanity with all sorts of scientific and technological innovations, not the least of which were the silicone chips and ultra-miniaturization that eventually produced the iPod. Building aircraft and spacecraft spawned industries and areas of study that were not in existence before these two former bicycle mechanics got busy on their dream of flying.

Aviation was not the only area of innovation inspired by the Wright Brothers. Minds everywhere were set free from the shackles of earthbound possibilities. Disease were cured, skyscrapers pierced the heavens, cars were mass-produced, radios and televisions invented, "impossible" tunnels and bridges were built, air conditioning and modern irrigation transformed vast uninhabitable and barren tracts of land, highways were created linking everywhere to everywhere else, experiments in writing, music and art broke boundaries of intellectual freedom and the general credo of humankind changed from acceptance of things as they are to challenging any and all assumptions.

So today is a sort of Independence Day for the human mind. The fact that two curious and stubborn young men from Ohio could conquer gravity and aerodynamics with wrenches, welding torches and brain power set us all free. Could Bill Gates or Elvis Presley have done what they did without the flight at Kitty Hawk? Would DNA scientists have been inspired to explore so deep within if man had not begun looking without? Could Martin Luther King have transformed American society without the spark of human possibilities ignited by the Wright Brothers? Could Nelson Mandela have endured a quarter century in prison and emerged without bitterness without the gift of hope bestowed upon the world in 12 seconds of wobbly adventure in some obscure corner of America? And who else will come out of nowhere to amaze and delight us by using the power of a mind set free? Happy 105th birthday to the triumph of mind over matter and the will to do the impossible. Here's to Orville and Wilbur, a couple of alWright guys.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 259

There are people who keep wild lions and tigers as pets. Not for long, though.

DOPOTO REPORTS: IT'S DIFFERENT OVER THERE

The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO) has been busy investigating cultural differences between nations. For example, the guy who threw his shoes at President Bush The Younger the other day in Baghdad has served to remind us that there are many cultural differences between America and the rest of the world. While it is instructive to learn that throwing shoes at someone is a grave insult in Iraq and much of the Arab world, Department research has found no country or region where the act of pitching footwear at your head is considered a compliment. An exhaustive search of data bases and research libraries has proved fruitless.

But we here at DOPOTO know from long experience that no research is completely useless. Most people know by now that the wonder sex drug Viagra was originally formulated as a heart medication. While it didn't do a heck of a lot for bum hearts, it sure jump-started a lot of love lives. On the debit side, Viagra gave rise to perhaps the creepiest reality television show ever, the one about ancient and wrinkled Hugh Hefner and the three young and beautiful girlfriends he hired to sleep with him. Similarly, DOPOTO's research into cultural differences between America and the rest of the world has produced some unexpected but interesting observations. For example:

While both American children and Korean children love puppies, Korean children generally love theirs medium rare with ginseng garnish.

American women show their independence by becoming educated, productive and in control of their own lives. In much of the Muslim world, women show their independence by getting stoned to death for leaving the house.

The term "whiplash" has very different meanings in America and Singapore.

In America, bulky clothing has been associated with hip hop culture. In Israel, the same sort of outfit gets you wrestled to the ground by the bomb squad.

In much of the rest of the world, gambling is confined to casinos, race tracks and betting parlors. In the United States, the most popular high stakes gambling action takes place in corporate boardrooms.

While Britain still clings to the vestiges of being a monarchy, maintaining a Queen or a King and many lesser royals who have a lot of money and are sort of decadent but wield no real power, America is content with our fascination with the Kennedy family.

Eating with sticks and having paper walls in one's home are Japanese traditions. In America, we call such things signs of homelessness.

As France and Poland have learned the hard way, it is a mistake to say to a German: "Make yourself at home" or "Help yourself."

In Afghanistan, upon visiting someone's house for tea for the first time, bringing a small gift is customary. Nothing too big or showy as to embarrass the host, perhaps a couple of hand grenades or a small automatic pistol.

In America, we consider Canadians to be just like us. They are not, but close enough. Besides, they are far too insecure to say otherwise or stake a claim to any identifiable cultural identity, so few people bother to inquire. All the interesting ones have already immigrated to America where having something original or controversial to say is not considered impolite.

While in America bagpipes are played as musical instruments, their original purpose in Scotland was as a weapon to annoy the crap out of their enemies and attack while they they were in a panic from the godawful shrieking.

In Darfur, it is considered impolite to whip your host's slave without permission, even if they deserve it.

In America, a popular remedy for obesity is having an operation called a gastric bypass to reduce the size of one's stomach, eliminating strenuous exercise and following a proper diet. In many parts of the world, starvation does the trick, also without the exertion of exercise or any diet plan.

It is considered polite in China to compliment the taste and color of the air.

In Brazil it is considered bad form to pop a woody at a nude beach.

The main difference between American Mormon males and Larry King is that Larry divorced his first 6 wives before marrying lucky #7.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Grab some ass.

In Saudi Arabia, immodest clothing is frowned upon at public beheadings.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 258

Until somebody comes up with some better ideas, looks like we're stuck with umbrellas, politicians and teenagers.

AND TODAY'S THROWN SHOE GOES TO...

Looks like the Iraqi people are on to something. When a member of the Iraqi press corps (who knew there was an Iraqi press corps?), one Muntader al Zaidi, threw his shoes at President Bush The Younger the other day he started a trend (and who knew they had trends either, other than avoiding shoppers wearing baggy clothing and a crazy look in their eyes?). Next thing you know ordinary Iraqi citizens are throwing shoes at American soldiers on patrol and anti-U.S. rallies are springing up, featuring the usual posters and chanting but also a healthy serving of lobbed footwear. Apparently in the Arab world tossing a shoe is the ultimate insult, indicating that your intended target is lower than the dirt beneath your feet.

Seems a pretty tame ultimate insult, a far cry from mobilizing armies, bombing cities, hanging a country's leader and hiring mercenaries to shoot unarmed civilians in the street. That seems to trump tossed shoes in the ultimate insult department any day of the week. So does suicide bombing, but that's a point that can only be made once. Be that as it may, the shoe-tossing seems to have energized Iraq into adopting a very American tradition: mocking the powerful while protesting their lousy policies. While in the Iraq of Sadaam Hussein such demonstrations were not unheard of, they were never aimed at Hussein himself. No sense pissing off a guy who might take the opportunity to kill you and your entire village with nerve gas. Those protests were staged events usually aimed at Iran, America or low oil prices.

So at least one good thing has come out of the Iraq war. The shoe toss is a relatively harmless way of letting somebody know that their conduct has been less than stellar. Perhaps if someone had tossed a shoe or two at Sadam Hussein during his rise to power he would have realized that he was being a little too heavy handed for their liking, maybe even have knocked some sense and humility in the form of a bruised forehead into him. Odds are that's not very likely given his homicidal tendencies, but the newfound realization among Iraqis that it is possible and even desirable to criticize power will prevent the next would-be tyrant from emulating Sadam.

Next thing you know, these people might actually develop a sense of humor, then all bets are off for aspiring dictators. If somehow electricity could be restored on a permanent basis like it used to be in Iraq, people could watch comedy TV shows at night lampooning some of the medieval-minded mullahs who want to give Iraq the dubious gift of their bloodthirsty leadership. There's no shortage in that nation of such Koran-thumping cavemen screaming about placing women under house arrest like a proper Muslim nation and imposing Sharia law, which is basically an excuse to chop off the heads and hands of anyone who commits the unpardonable offense of thinking. An actual TV pilot has been produced and, pending the rebuilding of telecommunication centers, is scheduled to air on Iraqi television soon. It is called "Today's Thrown Shoe!" Here are some excerpts:

HOST: "Welcome to 'Today's Thrown Shoe!' I am your host Mazda D'Jeep Nissan and this is my colleague Dusty Robes. Today we will be discussing developments in Iraqi politics, such as they are. At the end of the show, our studio audience will be invited to throw their shoes at whoever they feel most deserves the denigration and shame of being the lowest of the low. Our first guest is Imam Wala Wala Wassintun, the leader of the 'Let's Lock Up Our Women and Date Teenaged Boys Again Militia.' Wala Wala, welcome to Today's Thrown Shoe! So tell me, how did you come to form the Let's Lock Up Our Women And Date Teenaged Boys Again Militia?"

IMAM: "As you should be aware, Westernized Dog, all good Muslims must be masters of their own households, and women must never speak."

HOST: "You mean not speak until they're spoken to? Are you some sort of magician?"

IMAM: "Silence, rabid cur! I said they must not speak! Who said anything about speaking to them? They are only women!"

DUSTY ROBES: "Whoa, take it easy, scrotum breath! Let's talk about this teenage boy fixation, shall we?"

IMAM: "Get your own little oasis boy, infidel scum! Mine belongs to me alone!"

HOST: "You're going to have to hold that thought, Chesta al Molesta, it's time for a commercial break."

DUSTY ROBES: "And now a word from our sponsor, Acme Prosthetics. If you lose a limb to a roadside bomb, there's only one fake limb store you'll need! Visit Acme Prosthetics, your one-stop shopping destination for state-of-the-art legs, arms and even hands. That's right, folks, no longer will you be shunned at the communal eating bowl when your right hand gets blown off by a holy man! Looks like the real thing and no one will ever know you're dipping into the hummus with a piece of plastic-covered steel! So real even your Imama won't know!"

HOST:"Our next guest is Major General Hartz. N. Meinze of the United States Occupational Forces. So General, when are you taking your trigger-happy cowboys home? Is there something left standing in Iraq you feel the need to blow up before you go?"

GENERAL: "Well sir, that will be up to our next President, Barack Hussein Obama."

DUSTY ROBES: "Don't pull out the Hussein middle name card on us, General, we are not fooled into thinking Obama is a Muslim any more than your voters were. And besides, Hussein is not exactly a name that warms the hearts of Iraqis. Try that one on the illiterate Taliban, Camel-Dung-For-Brains!"

GENERAL: "Are you implying that the Iraqi people no longer welcome liberation?"

HOST: "Oh, we desire liberation, alright, General Motorhead. From you!"

GENERAL: "But what about the success of the surge?"

DUSTY ROBES: "The success of the surge? If you never invaded us there would be no need for a surge! That is like breaking every bone in a man's body but one, and then breaking that one as well!"

GENERAL: "But what about Sadam Hussein? Didn't we get rid of him for you?"

HOST: "And replaced him with what? A puppet government and a bunch of crazy boy-loving militias? You think all those roadside bombs are fireworks celebrating our independence? Sadam was not immortal, you know. He'd have been gone soon enough, and without all the blowing up and the maniac al Qaeda clowns showing up to shoot at you in our backyard. How would you like to have suicide bombers making every shopping trip a game of Russian Roulette?"

GENERAL: "Our president decided to fight them here rather than at home."

DUSTY ROBES: "So you shit on my carpet so you don't have to shit on your own?"

HOST: "And you knew these madmen were in Afghanistan! Why not finish them off there?"

GENERAL: "There's too many mountains and hiding places there, gentlemen. Our President figured it would be easier on flat terrain."

HOST: "Your president also figured the economy was in good shape, and that it would be a good idea hand over the wealth of your nation to his rich friends, did he not? Praise Allah your Congress didn't let them get their hands on your precious social security money or your aged ones would be the ones throwing their shoes at your president."

GENERAL: "Well, he's on his way out now and the new guy is a lot smarter..."

HOST: "A retarded goat is a lot smarter than Bush! Well, we have heard enough and our time is up. So we turn now to our studio audience with the question: Who gets todays thrown shoes? Will it be Major General Hartz N. Minds or Imam Wala Wala Wassintun?

DUSTY ROBES: "And today's thrown shoe goes to... Both men! Don't worry, gentlemen, they are only sandals."

At this point the two men are pelted with sandals and insults while the credits roll. Dusty Robes, the comic sidekick, leads the mayhem with whacky gestures and holding up bull's eyes in front of the day's guests while the host says "This is Mazda D'Jeep Nissan from the Bagdhad Studios of the Iraq Attack Broadcasting Company reminding you to tune in tomorrow when our guests will be former British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Temporary-Until-America-Leaves-Prime Minister of Iraq Nouri al-Maliki, debating who has kissed more of George Bush's ass. Thank you and goodnight."

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 257

There are worse things than dying. Not a whole lot of them of course, but some.

HINTS

You wonder why the once mighty financial institutions of Wall Street are crumbling. Here's a hint: The guy who just admitted to running a fifty billion dollar Ponzi scam and calling it a hedge fund has been described as "a longstanding leader in the financial services industry" and "an investment genius." Small wonder the economy's in the toilet.

Another huge hint about the massive culture of fraud that passed as business as usual is the strange case of a lawyer named Dreier that nobody ever heard and some giant real estate company called Solow Realty that nobody ever heard of. It seems this Dreier guy was the attorney for the Solow firm and such a familiar figure within the offices of the real estate giant that investors didn't bat an eye when he sold them $380 million worth of phony promissory notes in the name of his client's company. The real laugh is when Dreier's marks are called "savvy investors" when they bought bogus documents from a man who was not in any way a recognized or licensed trader of securities. What the hell, they figured, the guy's got a good suit on. Savvy and sophisticated are words that need to be banned when discussing modern financial leadership. The vigilant reader will substitute "boneheaded" and "predatory" until further notice.

You get the sense that the Russian people are not as eager as their intrepid leader Vladimir Putin to return to the days of the Soviet Union, a mixed bag of nationalities approaching the ethnic and cultural diversity of the United States. Attacks on migrant workers are commonplace and there is an organization called the Militant Organization of Russian Nationalists who just took credit for the decapitation of a migrant worker from Tajikistan and threatened public officials with the same treatment if they do not stop the flow of immigration. They are protesting something called "non-Russian occupation" of their country. That didn't take very long, did it? The multi-ethnic Soviet Union was only dissolved less than 20 years ago and now the ethnic cleansers are back with a vengeance. So much for 70 years of so-called social equality. Just a hint all is not well with Mother Russia.

Yesterday provided a small hint about the feelings of the Iraqi people about their "liberator," Bush The Younger. On a surprise farewell tour of Baghdad, a reporter hurled one of his shoes at Dumbya, shouting: "This is a goodbye kiss from the Iraqi people, dog!" Then he threw his other shoe, adding: "This is for the widows and orphans and all those killed in Iraq!" What an ingrate, eh? It was patiently explained in various news reports that in Iraqi culture, throwing one's shoes at someone is a sign of contempt. You know, just in case someone might interpret it as a sign of respect, some real bonehead maybe, the kind of person who thought it might be a good idea to attack a nation for no reason at all, a nation that never attacked us, and to disband their army, wreck the place, hang their leader and steal their oil and then maybe figure that nation ought to be real happy about it. That kind of person.

Warfare is changing to reflect the modern high tech world. One hint is in our war against Al Quada and the Taliban in Afghanistan. Our troops and jet bombers in Afghanistan can't cross the border into Pakistan to chase our enemies holed up there since Pakistan is our ally, at least on paper. So, what do we do? Send in the drones! These small, unmanned aircraft fire rockets with amazing accuracy into Pakistan while being operated all the way on the opposite side of the world in Nevada. Drones have been killing militants left and right, and also many members of what has to be the most dangerous profession there is: #2 man to Osama bin Laden. We must have slain a couple of hundred of those guys by now. Which makes you think that it's sort of a mixed blessing to be asked to be bin Laden's right hand man. While it must be quite the honor as far as climbing the jihadist ladder, it's not a job with much of a future. Your mom will be very proud of you, but she'll be sending her good funeral clothes to the dry cleaners as soon as you get the big promotion. The word is that the Nevada guy never draws a bead on bin Laden himself because he figures if he blows him up the project will be over and he'll be out of a real fun job.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 256

Who can deny that many Chinese proverbs insist you agree with them by starting with the phrase "who can deny?"

MODERN CHINESE PROVERBS

The world has long marveled at the wisdom and insight of ancient Chinese proverbs. Most are pretty much pointing out the obvious in ways that make one think the writer clever, a neat trick employed quite often in these pages. "A journey of a thousand mile begins with a single step," was Confucius' way of saying don't sit around moping at the enormity of the task before you, get off your ass and do something. "A picture is worth a thousand words" was also his, as is this counsel to have patience: "If today will not, tomorrow may." The guy was a gold mine of the simple wisdom all too often overlooked by we humans in our daily quest for survival and riches.

China has changed quite a bit since the old days. Once it was an enchanting land of beautiful architecture, advanced science and mathematics, fine culture, art, scholarship, wisdom and various living amenities developed well in advance of western civilization. Their literature enlightened the world's scholars. Along the centuries, China suffered at the hands of imperial western nations and lost much of her power, culminating in the devastating invasion by Japan in the 1930's through 1945. After World War 2, Mao Tse-tung and his communist armies took over and founded The People's Republic of China.

Mao, who somehow is still revered as some sort of cuddly father figure even though he was responsible for around 30 million murders of his own countrymen, transformed China. On top of all the bloodshed, he instituted a horribly repressive regime that forbade dissent of any sort, forced people unfamiliar with farming to work a barren countryside and screwed up their economy completely while building a huge army and issuing threats to the rest of the world. He also instituted a forced conformity in China, best illustrated by getting a billion people to wear identical drab grey suits. It was Chairman Mao who invented the phrase "politically incorrect," using that accusation to torture and kill countless Chinese. "The Great Helmsman" steered his country firmly into poverty, oppression and starvation.

It was only after Mao's death that China started on the road to being the successful manufacturing nation they are today. His successors, while still keeping a tight rein on dissent, little by little unleashed their people's energy and built a world class economy, the only nominally communist country to ever write a financial success story for a significant portion of their population. The faceless conformity remains, however, and the wit and wisdom of the China of today is a far cry from the poetic and original pearls that used to emanate from their society. Some sad samples:

It is written in jade: A foreigner will swoon and give you much personal information if you tell them your name is Jimmy.

Who can deny, ten thousand coal power plants will be rancid in the heavens.

As day follows night, so must the Dalai Lama be hunted.

A monk in a cell is worth two pummeled in the street.

He who loses three fingers in the foundry will use his remaining seven with heightened diligence.

An enlightening idea is well worth the stealing.

A hungry peasant is best kept hidden.

When plagued with doubt, ask your commissar the correct opinion.

That child is most filled with bliss who operates a 12 ton hydraulic press without safety equipment to encumber his productive joy.

Waste not heavy steel beams and reinforced concrete on school buildings.

Seek not forbidden knowledge on the internet.

He who thinks he has learned what is best for himself soon learns otherwise in a People's Reeducation Camp.

Let no man deny that the finest quality paint is made with Chinese lead.

Celebrate your hatred of Taiwan.

Who can deny, longing for freedom is a criminal act.

The best air to breathe is that which can be seen and tasted.

It is truly etched in jade: Personal safety is one with silent obedience.

Ordinary men do not possess the wisdom to question nuclear power plants being placed by scientists in what are incorrectly called earthquake zones.

Only a fool would criticize his government.

Who can deny, the destination for fools is prison.

Indeed, of greater value than purest white ivory is pirated software.

Cursed will he be he who allows foreigners to stray from official tourist destinations.

He is wisest who sees little and speaks less.

Personal fulfillment is best achieved by making Little Mermaid T-shirts and baseball caps to be sold in Wal-Mart for 15 hours each day.

Let all men rejoice that their leaders live in splendor.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 255

Contrary to the famous quote, "You can't be too rich or too thin," there are many people who are too thin and some that are too rich, but very few who are both at the same time.

CURIOUS THINGS ON WALL STREET...

Another nail in the financial industry's coffin comes in the form of the arrest of one Bernard Madoff, a former chairman of the National Association of Securities Dealers Automated Quotes, a mouthful universally known as NASDAQ. He was nabbed when it was revealed that the hedge fund he runs lost $50 billion and he called the whole thing "one big lie" and admitted the fund had been insolvent for years. The curious thing, though, is that he was easily able to make the $10 million bail. So, you have to figure that whole "insolvency" thing didn't actually apply to him, just the wealthy suckers who invested in his members-only Ponzi scheme.

Another curious thing about the case is that it was common knowledge on Wall Street that this fund was producing investment returns that were "too good for too long." In other words, something was fishy, and nobody said anything. Which leads one to wonder if these financial gangsters swear an oath of Omerta, the Sicilian word for silence. That would explain a lot of what has been going on in the financial sector recently. And you further have to wonder what sort of ceremony these "Made Men" take part in when they swear their blood oath. Maybe over martinis in some private club on the Upper East Side? Do they administer paper cuts to new recruits to draw blood or turn on a tanning lamp real high to remind them they will burn if they break their oath?

Just like their small time imitators in the Mafia, these financial thugs have lawyers who seemingly materialize on the spot just in time to talk to reporters. Mr. Madoff's attorney said, among amusing things, "Bernie Madoff is a longstanding leader in the financial services industry," thus concisely identifying one of that industry's main problems. He also said "He will fight through this unfortunate set of events." An unfortunate set of events? Stealing a king's ransom? Not fight to restore the $50 billion he stole, of course, but fight to stay out of jail and keep as much of his own vast fortune as he possibly can. He faces up to 20 years in jail and a $5 million fine. Odds are he'll get 18 months in a minimum security tennis camp and count out the $5 million fine from his pocket money.

Yet another curious thing is that he's the only guy getting arrested on Wall Street. Madoff's fellow "industry leaders" are collectively responsible for trillions in losses. A trillion is a one followed by 12 zeroes, or about $3,300 for every person in the United States. Were all of those losses honest mistakes? And if so, then how did people so stupid get to be in charge? Or could it just be possible that Madoff had a whole lot of company in the fraud business? The rest of them seemed to suffer only the indignity of having to go hat in hand to Uncle Sam to bail them out by throwing good money after bad. $700 billion ($2,310 apiece!) of our good money, the hard earned of Joe and Jane taxpayer, most of whom never had the money to play Monopoly on Wall Street. Well, we're playing their game now, like it or not.

And as curious as it gets, all these industries are policed by a whole slew of regulatory agencies and subject to many laws defining exactly what they can and cannot do with other people's money. Why was no one in these government agencies charged with dereliction of duty, taking bribes for looking the other way or at least fired for gross incompetence? It was also common knowledge that the Bush The Younger administration has consistently underfunded and understaffed regulatory agencies in the theory that greedy people are on their best behavior when no one is watching them, a very curious idea indeed.

As the people in this worst-ever administration slink away into history they leave behind more damage to America in their 8 years of mismanagement than all our enemies combined have ever been able to inflict in our 232 years as a nation, and that includes every war we've ever fought. And like Bernard Madoff and his cronies in the financial services industry, the problem was the quality, or glaring lack of quality, of leadership. You have to wonder how many young people entered the financial services industry (and government service) under the watch of such greedy leadership and figured this was normal behavior, that this is what they were training to become.

Are these youngsters ticking financial time bombs years down the road when it is their turn and their time to take over leadership positions? It might be a good idea to start putting a bunch of these thieving thugs in jail to show the Young Turks otherwise. Better yet, strip the guilty of their ill-gotten wealth. There is no greater punishment for the greedy and no greater lesson for the potentially greedy. Perhaps the most curious thing about all this is the fact that the lessons of history regarding the quality of leadership has been ignored in both the public and private sectors. Is there anybody alive who doesn't realize that good leaders set a good example and lousy leaders set a lousy tone? What were we thinking? Not all that much, apparently.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 254

Life is not as fair as baseball or as consistently entertaining, but at least in the game of life you're not washed up before you're 40.

IN CHICAGO, CAPONE, DALEY DON'T TURN OVER IN THEIR GRAVES! TALES OF GREED ALL OVER

Kudos to Governor Rod Blagojevich, the soon-to-be-former Governor of Illinois. He has out-slimed and out-dumbed former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy to become the second-dumbest (Bush The Younger is still with us) politician in the land, and one of the greediest. The guy was caught red-handed trying to sell President-elect Barack Obama's Senate seat to the highest bidder. Perhaps not owning a calendar was his biggest mistake and Mr. Blagojevich thought it was still the 1930's or the 1960's, two Golden Ages of Chicago Political Corruption. In the 1930s gangsters like Al Capone bought local governments and operated their crime syndicates with flamboyant gusto. In the 1960s under Chicago Mayor Richard Daley, the government was the reigning crime syndicate. Dead men voted early and often and nobody stepped out of line. Everybody was on the take and nothing was on the level. Blagojevich wanted to bring that back.

Some beginning to a new millennium, eh? Here we have ourselves not just a whole new century, but a damned millennium, a thousand years of 2,000s, all fresh and clean, right out of the box, and what do we do? Screw it up with greed! We got here okay. The year 2000 came in with the world relatively peaceful, America enjoying prosperity and growth, and international relations pretty cordial for the most part. Mankind had a lot of hopes for this new millennium, sort of like a super-sized set of New Year's resolutions. This would be the time when nations worked together to end starvation, fix global warming and peace and prosperity would rule the globe. The internet would bind us all together into a global community of equals, trading goods and exchanging ideas in good faith. People were getting downright maudlin at the thought of a new era of mutual respect and brotherhood.

Of course we were getting carried away, being only human. The world always seems to have serious problems, and the turn of the century was no exception. But the calendar did put a lot of us in the mindset of making a new beginning. Unfortunately, the euphoria honeymoon didn't last very long. Osama bin Laden saw to that when he sent 19 born patsies crashing into America on September 11, 2001. So much for peace. Too bad for us we had just elected an amiable moron to the presidency who proceeded to screw up the war on terrorists and the good will of the rest of the world in more ways than anyone would have thought possible.

Attacking the wrong country, torturing prisoners and making war on his own citizens by stripping them of their rights, invading their privacy and imprisoning people without representation or actual charges set the bar very low as far as decent behavior goes. Awarding lucrative wartime contracts to administration cronies, underfunding regulatory agencies and ignoring the resulting epidemic of multibillion dollar business frauds lowered the behavior bar even further and pretty soon a whole bunch of corporations were all about nothing but greed. Unscrupulous thugs took over and substituted pyramid schemes for sound business practices, reaping huge personal fortunes for themselves and dooming their shareholders and investors to bankruptcy.

These corporate gangsters took businesses that provided them and their kind with a fabulous living for generations and would have kept doing so for generations to come but they decided that wasn't enough. Their only goal was more, and right now! They voted themselves obscene bonuses, gave one another sweetheart stock options and convinced themselves that private jets were owed to them. Like any other addiction, greed can never be satisfied. The drunk sobers up and needs another drink. The junkie needs his shot. The greedy acquire all that most people could ever dream of and they figure that's a good start. And when another greedy man gets something valuable, all the other greedy men want the same, only better, bigger, shinier, louder! Greed is a black hole with no bottom and there's no filling it, not ever. Those stricken with greed can never seek anything but more.

Which is fine if you're not costing anybody else any money to support your habit. There have been lots of greedy people who have never done any harm to society. They acquire or inherit tons of money and spend their own dough to buy all sorts of crazy luxuries and live their lives imprisoned by their greed, but don't hurt anyone else in the process. And then there are those who steal to support their greed habit, no different from a desperate junkie who crosses the line into criminality to get his fix. These corporate princes and greedy politicians, though, are not stealing car radios or snatching purses. They're ruining industries upon which millions of workers depend for their paychecks and selling Senate seats and judgeships that belong to the people of this country and are not theirs to sell.

And for what? More? More what? You see how these people live and the things that they have and you wonder what else they could possibly want. And the only answer is more. There is no appreciation, no enjoyment, no savoring of the finer things and no sense of satisfaction for the greedy. There is only the drive to get more by any means necessary. If you've got the money and don't hurt anyone else, more power to you. But that's not the case with these corporate princes who are like so many kings and emperors before them who ruined their nations for gold, jewels and prohibitively expensive monuments to themselves. Like those kings, they ruined things not only for themselves, but for those dependent upon them and their successors as well. Greed kills, and it takes others with it. And we have a small-minded small timer who somehow got elected Governor of Illinois to thank for this latest reminder of this devastating epidemic messing up our brand new millennium.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 253

If you don't want to offend anyone, don't speak. If you don't want to be offended, don't listen. If neither of these options appeal to you, you'll just have to take your chances.

WHO THOUGHT WE WERE ELECTING A LIBERAL?

Just like their counterparts on the far right, liberals are crying crocodile tears over the policies of a guy who is not even the president yet. Barack Obama is still and month and half from being sworn in as our 44th president, yet many left wing voices are expressing disappointment in his presidency because the people he picked to help him run the government are not liberal enough. Others say there are not enough black faces and some claim he is betraying his electoral mandate by keeping Bush The Younger's Secretary of Defense Robert Gates on the job.

Who thought Mr. Obama was a liberal? The guy's personality and career are practically billboards announcing his pragmatism and adaptability. His calm and even demeanor, his intelligence and quiet confidence is what appealed to voters, not any promise of delivering a leftist agenda. Most of what he wants to do is politically neutral, neither leftist nor rightist. Fix the economy? Outside of nationalizing everything and making 5 year plans, is there a leftist way to do that? The far right way of having zero regulation just blew up in our faces so look for Obama to seek a middle ground. Restore integrity and competence to government? That's pretty much the minimum standard we ought to expect from any president, left, right or center. Get America out of Iraq? That's a sanity issue, another thing that ought to be a given in any sort of president, and a quality many Americans miss having in the White House.

In Iraq, the morally proper thing would probably be to withdraw immediately, publicly apologize for invading their country for no reason at all and pay billions in reparations to their nation for destroyed infrastructure and to families as compensation for the hundred thousand Iraqi civilians killed. Mr. Obama has no such plans for immediately getting out of the country he voted as a Senator not to invade. He recognizes the truth in Colin Powell''s statement: "If you break it, you buy it." He knows Iraq is broken and vulnerable to surrounding predatory nations and global realities dictate a longer and gradual removal of U.S. troops. What you hope for in his presidency is that does not make any similar bonehead decisions with so many obviously terrible future repercussions. Meanwhile, he's got to deal with this particular fine mess we've gotten ourselves into, courtesy of Bush The Younger and a spineless Congress, as carefully and responsibly as he can.

What about health care? Is it liberal or conservative to want to provide health care for a country's citizens? If that's liberal, then conservatives really need to examine their consciences, as well as weigh the reduced cost of preventative medicine versus the government's huge financial obligations for caring for the financially deprived when they become catastrophically ill. And energy independence? That's a no-brainer for anybody, but a goal that's probably impossible until somebody invents a substitute for petroleum. We can drill offshore or in Alaska all we want but that still won't amount to a hill of beans. So is it liberal or merely practical to oppose wasting our time and resources looking for vast seas of buried oil that simply do not exist?

As far as Civil Rights, part of the liberal agenda is gay marriage, and Obama never supported anything but legal civil union for homosexuals during his campaign. Whether or not he thinks it is wrong to deny 5% of our population the same rights as the other 95%, the man knows how to get elected, and coming out in favor of gay marriage would certainly have put his election in jeopardy. And he turned out to be right, at least in practical if not in ideological terms, when you consider that 3 states voted to ban gay marriage on the same day they elected the first black man to ever be their president. So chalk up another point to Obama's pragmatism and political instincts. Politics is, after all, the art of the practical and the doable. A wise politician sets the tone but realizes that some fights will have to be won farther down the line. To do anything at all, one first must get oneself elected.

Once elected, a smart man surrounds himself with other very smart people, those who can be effective in implementing his policies. Liberals in the highest echelons of national politics are in short supply in America, beginning and ending with Ted Kennedy, an admirable man in many ways but a problematic ally at best with his personal baggage and one who is now dying. Gone are the Muskies, the McGoverns and the Humphries in a nation turned sharply to the right since the traumas of the Vietnam War, Watergate and wearing the bullseye that comes with being the last man standing in the superpower showdown that was the Cold War. None of this is lost on the very bright man we just elected to clean up the mess created by Bush The Younger, who understood nothing.

But just maybe we can give the guy a few months to govern to see what his policies will be before we write him off. Whether you are a liberal or a conservative, he will be your president for at least 4 years. He will alternately delight and disappoint and most probably surprise us often, because what we have here in Barack Obama is an interesting guy. Also a guy who pulled off what many thought was the impossible by getting himself elected in the first place, so he is definitely not someone to underestimate. Ask Hillary Clinton, heiress apparent to the throne and now Obama's Secretary of State. Ask our remaining racists, still many in number. Ask a whole lot of people who never thought they'd live to see a black President of The United States.

Odds are he's going to do what he thinks is best for America, no matter what the expectations and pressures from liberals or conservatives. What we have here is an American original, and there's no telling what such a person might do until they do it. Even he is probably not all that certain of what he will do until he knows exactly what he's dealing with, knowledge he won't have until he's actually in the Oval Office getting information only a sitting president receives and making decisions only a president can make. Of course he won't be able to do a damned thing until January 20th, 2009. Before that, we're just guessing and that's all good harmless fun with no actual policies to praise or criticize. After that, he's on the job doing what presidents do and is wide open to criticism and second guessing, just like any other president. Just don't expect the ultra-left liberal that some people consider him to be, for whatever odd reasons they might have for holding that curious opinion.