August 18, 2011
THINGS PEOPLE CAN DO THAT CORPORATIONS CAN'T
In a recent session U.S. The Supreme Court decided that corporations are people, entitled the same rights and privileges as individuals. As batshit crazy as that sounds, that is now the law of the land. It seems that somebody somewhere passed a law prohibiting corporations from purchasing elections wholesale to add to their already sizable collection of Congressmen, which pissed off the corporations no end when they were so close to a complete set!
So the corporations sued and lost a bunch of times (not all courts are crazy)and appealed all the decisions against them all the way to the Supreme Court, spending many, many millions of dollars in the process. Corporate lawyers argued that, just like any other citizen, they were entitled to spend their money as they see fit. The fact that corporations are not human beings but businesses didn't stop grown men and women from arguing that they indeed were.
Well, as luck would have it, today's Supreme Court is dominated by Major Corporate Stooges, so it was decided by the Final Word in American Law that corporations could indeed buy all the elections they darn well pleased, because, you see, they were people just like you and me after all! As absurd as this sounds, this concept has actually been embraced by Republicans, and the leading GOP candidate for president just reminded a voter that "Corporations are people, my friend!"
We beg to differ. There are many things people can do that corporations cannot do, things that define us as people. Can corporations do these things? You decide:
Get laid in the back seat of a Mustang.
Get a tattoo saying "Geraldine 4 Ever" on your neck.
Breathe.
Wiggle their ears.
Feel hungry.
Go to a baseball game.
Take a good crap.
Get arrested.
Catch a cold.
Be responsible for one's own actions.
Flirt with the waitress.
Care.
Play bagpipes.
Apologize.
Repay loyalty.
Vote.
Write a poem.
Hold hands.
Dance.
Shoot the breeze.
Sing.
Stay out all night.
Make a film.
Get married.
Paint a portrait.
Stare into space.
Laugh.
Love a baby.
Write a book.
Go skinny dipping.
Fart.
Think.
Drive cross country.
Masturbate.
Go on a diet.
Tell a joke.
Kiss.
Get shot out of a cannon.
Wiggle your toes in the sand.
Rock out.
Die of cancer.
Fall head over heels in love.
Enjoy a sunset.
Babysit.
Read the funny papers.
Look a man in the eye when delivering bad news.
Climb a tree.
Play Scrabble.
Watch an episode of Law & Order that you've seen 3 times but you like the Lenny Briscoe character.
Go to Coney Island.
Read the handwriting on the wall.
So the corporations sued and lost a bunch of times (not all courts are crazy)and appealed all the decisions against them all the way to the Supreme Court, spending many, many millions of dollars in the process. Corporate lawyers argued that, just like any other citizen, they were entitled to spend their money as they see fit. The fact that corporations are not human beings but businesses didn't stop grown men and women from arguing that they indeed were.
Well, as luck would have it, today's Supreme Court is dominated by Major Corporate Stooges, so it was decided by the Final Word in American Law that corporations could indeed buy all the elections they darn well pleased, because, you see, they were people just like you and me after all! As absurd as this sounds, this concept has actually been embraced by Republicans, and the leading GOP candidate for president just reminded a voter that "Corporations are people, my friend!"
We beg to differ. There are many things people can do that corporations cannot do, things that define us as people. Can corporations do these things? You decide:
Get laid in the back seat of a Mustang.
Get a tattoo saying "Geraldine 4 Ever" on your neck.
Breathe.
Wiggle their ears.
Feel hungry.
Go to a baseball game.
Take a good crap.
Get arrested.
Catch a cold.
Be responsible for one's own actions.
Flirt with the waitress.
Care.
Play bagpipes.
Apologize.
Repay loyalty.
Vote.
Write a poem.
Hold hands.
Dance.
Shoot the breeze.
Sing.
Stay out all night.
Make a film.
Get married.
Paint a portrait.
Stare into space.
Laugh.
Love a baby.
Write a book.
Go skinny dipping.
Fart.
Think.
Drive cross country.
Masturbate.
Go on a diet.
Tell a joke.
Kiss.
Get shot out of a cannon.
Wiggle your toes in the sand.
Rock out.
Die of cancer.
Fall head over heels in love.
Enjoy a sunset.
Babysit.
Read the funny papers.
Look a man in the eye when delivering bad news.
Climb a tree.
Play Scrabble.
Watch an episode of Law & Order that you've seen 3 times but you like the Lenny Briscoe character.
Go to Coney Island.
Read the handwriting on the wall.
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