LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 448

If you are getting a free set of steak knives thrown in with your purchase, odds are you just bought a worthless piece of crap you'll never use. If you act now and get two for the price of one, that's two pieces of junk and a set of flimsy steak knives you need to find someplace to store.

MORE MODERN PROVERBS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM

MORE MODERN PROVERBS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM

These are modern times, people, as far into the future as we've ever been, and it's getting later all the time. Tick-tick-tick! These days call for new ideas, new slogans and new words to live by. No more of that "a stitch in time saves nine," nonsense. Nobody sews anymore! And forget about "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Like hell it does! It begins with a cab to the damned airport, everybody knows that. It's high time we get some proper proverbs to reflect these shiny new times. Quick, to the point and not leaving you scratching your head trying to figure them out. And no more than 140 characters either so that even those Twitter bozos can understand them. So, in the interest of serving the public in this brave new millennium, bobcrespo.com has compiled a few modern proverbs:

When the going gets boring, Tweeters share it with you.

Honor thy donor and thy surrogate.

If it's on the internet, question it not.

When the cable news guru of the big red bulging forehead vein hates a foreign country, it is truly time to declare war.

There's no business like the high speed fiber optics interface business!

You know God loves you when he makes you rich.

If God loved you, you'd be rich like all his special friends.

Avoid the poor and the hungry for God loveth them not.

The Bill of Rights is for God's special fiends. His enemies need not apply.

There's no place like your home page.

Home is where your equity is.

Don't trust anybody over a hundred and thirty.

It's not killing if an unmanned robot drone does it.

Many are texted, but few are chosen to receive emoticons.

Meeting someone in person is usually a let down. They're just so alive and real, nothing like their true chat room self. It can be messy and demanding and take you a long time to reinvent... (to be continued for Twitter weenies)

(proverb continued) ... them in your mind as a controllable pawn in your universe. Avoid this distressing disappointment whenever possible.

Covet not thy neighbor's technology.

Sculpted Abs are better than a sculpted mind.

Beauty is the eye of the laser scalpel.

When faced with a personal character flaw, take an aroma therapy treatment and declare yourself cured. When challenged, demand to see their aroma therapy certificate!

Selfishness is its own reward.

Love thyself, period.

More than one second response time is not high speed.

Gratification delayed is gratification denied.

A chain e-mail is only as strong as its least gullible recipient.

A fool and his money are quickly parted. Let not the fool escape unburdened of his wealth.

It is only stealing if you get caught.

The keyboard is mightier than the shoulder-mounted rocket launcher.

A picture is worth a thousand pixels.

When the world is imperfect, demand that somebody take action to fix it for you.

Nobody liked Polar bears all that much anyway,

Money can't buy you love, but it sure gets plenty of Viagra.

You can't put an old head on new shoulders, but plastic surgeons can put a young head on old shoulders, no problem.

This has been a public service announcement from bobcrespo.com

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 447

If you ever find yourself in charge of a country, that's honor enough in itself. Don't look for glory by starting a war against a vulnerable neighbor. Only one guy gets to be called "The Great" in those situations, and it just might the other guy instead of you. Guys nicknamed The Great tend to enjoy putting the loser's head on a pike. Better to leave well enough alone.

QUERIES

A few pressing questions on affairs large and small:

So, President Obama is going to sit down and have a beer at the White House with a cop and a professor and help them hash out their differences over a disturbing but relatively minor misunderstanding that happened in Boston. Which leads the curious among us to pose the question: Isn't there like, big stuff going on? Things like important legislation, two wars, unemployment, a recession and a health care crisis? Or were all those things solved over the weekend, pending only the completion of the requisite paperwork? Inquiring minds want to know.

Now that the jig is up for "organic food," which has finally been declared to be no healthier than any other food, what are the food faddists going to promote next in order for them to feel smug and superior? Free range daisies, maybe?

"Let sleeping dogs lie," is a very old saying and supposedly very wise. Which makes you wonder; were there ever any other options? Did dogs sleep standing up in days of yore? Doesn't seem likely.

Speaking of dogs, do kids with imaginary friends also have imaginary dogs? Might as well, no? In for a penny...

With all the overpopulation of deer in New Jersey, how come the bears there still eat out of garbage cans? Aren't they supposed to be powerful predators that can run just as fast as a deer? Either the New Jersey bears didn't get the memo or the deer in that state are really tough customers.

Is Joe Biden really that dumb or did the Democrats entertain the notion of nominating their own Bush The Younger a couple of times in recent memory?

Are all those Ikstans that used to be part of the Soviet Union real countries now or are they just pulling our leg? Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to just to get ambassadors sent there and then yell "Psyche!"

And is there some sort of international competition in Africa to see which government can stick their heads further up their own asses, with bonus points awarded for the most cartoonish dictator? Who's winning? With all the genocide, civil wars and corruption, it's kind of hard to tell. Seems like a standoff. Let's just hope there's no tie-breaking playoffs. We wouldn't want to overtax the United Nations' stern resolution writers or study-the-problem-for-six-months-while-populations-are-slaughtered committees, now would we? Doesn't seem fair to the U.N., who already have their hands full doing nothing about huge problems on all the other continents (with the possible exception of Australia, which always seems to have "no worries, mate!").

So now Microsoft and Yahoo are teaming up to challenge Google by creating their own bigger and better search engine and trying to grab some of the billions in advertising revenue garnered by Google. Good thing they're striking while the iron is hot, before the whole world starts using the name Google as a verb to describe looking stuff up on the internet, eh?

In yet another example of creeping Big Brotherism, the Senate is seeking to outlaw sending text messages while driving a car. What's next, banning glassblowing and small appliance repair when you're behind the wheel?

Is there any reason not to rejoice that makers of dopey violent video games are reporting slipping profits?

With all the talk of sweeping change in Washington, is anybody looking into taking away the sizable federal subsidies given Senators for not growing alfalfa on their tennis courts at their "farms?" Or maybe getting some of those huge Agri-businesses off of welfare? Or are they too big to fail to suck every last red cent out of antiquated protectionist laws? Here's a slogan: Get Dole off the dole!

Is there any reason why the panic over swine flu won't go away? More people have died from bee stings since this dreaded pandemic has reared its not-so-ugly head, and there's not even as many bees around as there used to be. And yet no one panics that 13.2 million people die every single year from starvation, a plague easily curable by food, which has already been invented.

And speaking of bees, where the hell did they all go? Was it something we said? Or maybe they just got tired of being so damned busy all the time, figuring let the flies take up the slack. The flowers they pollinate haven't died off, so somebody's on the ball with the bees' old gig. Wonder who? Could it be one of those jobs that Americans won't do and the illegals are eagerly filling?

Why is it only in recent times that armies have ceased marching into battle with bands blaring and banners gaily waving? Not only does it let the enemy know you are coming and enrages them with your poor taste in music, but across the broad spectrum of human activities, isn't killing one another the one endeavor that least calls for musical accompaniment?

Is there something wrong in show business, at least on the female end of things? They just haven't been producing any new out-of-control drunken drunken and drug-sodden bimbos for a few years now. The men of entertainment have kept up their end of the bargain admirably. A bigger bunch of cads and louts hasn't strolled the boulevards since Errol Flynn's salad days. But the young ladies? Please! Girls, do you even know what business you are in? What's with all this circumspect behavior and taking good care of yourselves and the demure comportment? That puts a lot of unfair heat on Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears to produce, doesn't it? They can't be everywhere making pubic fools of themselves and getting arrested and checking into revolving door rehab joints, can they? There must be some enterprising young ladies out there willing to step into the breach and go commando for the cameras, drive into trees while having drunken sex in their vehicles and throw public tantrums by slugging paparazzi with barstools! Come on, girls, is that asking a lot? You'll be rich and fay-muss...

Is it time yet for columnists and political talk show hosts to start questioning and criticizing President Obama like they would any other president? No, not the delusional right wing whack jobs who started branding him a traitor before he spent a minute in office, that's jut meaningless noise and sour grapes, but the regular Op-ed people who have so far treated Obama with kid gloves. They sure didn't spare Bush The Younger the tongue lash, which in retrospect hardly seems sporting. Pretty much everybody knew there was something seriously wrong with that guy. It was fish-in-a-barrel time. But with Obama, this time we got it right and elected the smartest guy in the room. Isn't it about time we insist he starts to live up to his billing? We're all aware that the last administration left behind an unprecedented mess for him to clean up, but, like it or not, the way it works in electoral politics is that now these are his wars, his recession, his health care mess and his rising unemployment. At the very least commentators can start asking: "What's the plan, Bam?"

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 446

All the world loves a clown. At a distance, anyway. Actually hanging out with a clown is sort of awkward, what with the makeup, the big red wig and funny little hat, the giant shoes, the squirting flower and the fact that instead of talking they just stare at you and make weird faces. It's pretty creepy.

THERE'S JUST NO PLACE LIKE BROOKLYN

Sure, everybody's favorite place is where they grew up, their favorite cook is Mom and they root, root, root for the home team. And that's fine. No sense denying who you are and forgetting about your roots. Nobody likes a phony. Which brings us to Brooklyn, where phonies have a hard time maintaining their cover. It's not easy in a town where even a ten year-old will see right through you and tell you to get over yourself and be real already. See, nobody really minds who or what you are around here as long as you're not hurting anybody else. Or pretending you're something you are not. There's so many different sidewalks acts going on at once in this place that people just sort of assume that if the next guy might seem a little unusual, well, so what?

We're all God's children and as long as someone's not trying to shine anybody, odds are they're okay. Besides, who knows how strange you might seem to others? There's so many different kinds of people in Brooklyn that even the racists reform themselves rather than trying to tackle hating that many varieties. They'd need a whole lot more than one lifetime for that. Especially when the annoying sons of bitches turn out to be okay 9 times out of 10 when you have dealings with them, and in a place like this you can't help but rub up against each other all the time. No wonder most of them move to the suburbs. It's just too hard to keep a good hate on when your neighbors turn out to be good people, which tends to ruin that whole Master Race experience. At a distance you can hate anyone and never be disappointed by their goodness. Well, they can have our share of that lunacy and we're better rid of of those clowns. More room for the rest of us, people who love this town and all the crazy people in it.

There's cities and towns and villages everywhere, most of them really nice places, no doubt. They're just not Brooklyn. Sorry, Everywhere Else, but the coolest place on the planet is Brooklyn, New York City, U.S. of friggin' A! There's around 3 million people here, not counting the illegals, and we're sure as hell not going to turn them in. Even those of us born here for a generation or two probably had somebody somewhere back in the family tree who came here under the radar (Probably the only lie my grandmother ever told was when immigration officials asked her if she ever had tuberculosis.). The point is that they came here, had the nerve to move heaven and earth to make it happen for themselves and their families and are now part of America, doing their jobs, buying pizza, going to Coney Island and not stepping on anyone's toes.

Lou Dobbs can drop dead. Most of us would rather have an honest immigrant neighbor than live next door to a mean old fat blowhard like him. Even if for no other reason than to hear some exotic music once in a while rather than anything that fool might listen to. Probably polkas and John Philip Sousa marches and the like. Living in Brooklyn, odds are you have a lot of immigrant neighbors with a lot of cool stories to tell and great food to eat and a different slant on things. You can learn a lot about the majority of the countries in this world without traveling, and can share your own experiences of being a lifer in this city to some people who love hearing it. And we sure do love to talk around here, sometimes all at once, and you pick up the skill of taking it all in, different accents and all, and they in turn learn to negotiate your Brooklynese, no prob, Bob. After all, their kids have that distinctive Brooklyn accent too, no matter where Mom and Pop come from.

You have to be pretty sharp to keep up here, and that's another bonus, there's not a lot of dummies or dull people. When you get the hang of Brooklyn, your mind is sharp as a razor and you develop a pretty pungent personality. There's no shortage of characters here, and some of the quickest and sharpest minds around. Sometimes when you go visit other places you might be a little too much for them, and they might be a little not so much for you. Nice enough people and places, no doubt, but that buzz is what's missing, that electric current that seems to run through the air itself in Brooklyn and makes us what we are. While you can enjoy yourself anywhere you go (might as well since the only alternative is not enjoying yourself, and that doesn't make any sense), it's always good to come back to the sublime chaos of home sweet home.

Another beauty of Brooklyn is that we're part of New York City (the best part), that citiest of cities and the modern center of the universe. Rome had its day, as did London and Paris, but these days New York is Rome and all roads lead here. Is there any other city where the United Nations should be? The Statue of Liberty welcoming the wretched refuse? Hell, the population here is a United Nations of former wretched refuse, and a whole lot more united than the official U.N. We're New Yorkers and we wear the name with pride.

The very many cool places to see and fun things to do are only part of what makes this city so special, but the very best part is the people, tourist attractions in and of themselves. There's nobody quite like us, and Brooklyn people are the best of good lot. Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall, rain or shine, we wouldn't trade our town for all the castles in Spain. Drop in some time, we'll talk, have a little something to eat and show you around. You'll be amazed and glad you came to Brooklyn. We'll keep a few million lights on for you, no problem.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 445

The world loves crazy people, except for the evil crazy or mean crazy types. Those we can do without. So, if you're nuts, don't sweat it. Just make sure you're fun nuts and you'll find open doors and warm welcomes always.

TELL US AGAIN EXACTLY WHAT IS...

Some things you hear or read you just wonder about. Maybe it's a gut feeling or maybe it goes contrary to what you know or simply contradicts your hazy general impressions, but something smells fishy and there's no fish in the vicinity. And so you wonder. Scratch your head even. Here's an example: some big muckety-mucks in the international community (and you have to also wonder about just what the hell is the "international community") are urging the United States government to engage diplomatically with moderate elements of the Taliban in Afghanistan and Pakistan. And so you say to yourself: Tell us again exactly what is a moderate Taliban?

Do they advocate allowing women to be merely indentured servants who can read a little bit instead of illiterate slaves under house arrest? Are they for banning only music but dancing is fine? Are perceived sins against their harsh brand of Islam punishable by being stoned only half to death, maybe into critical condition? No one seems to have a solid definition of what a moderate homicidal maniac might be and how you would be able to tell them apart from the full-blown crazed killers. Maybe the people suggesting this approach could interview them first, sort of let everybody know exactly who's who before our diplomats waste their time. That would be helpful. Providing they survive the encounters, of course.

Then there's the (mis)conduct of our war against these people, the one we got involved in as a byproduct of our failed manhunt for Osama bin Laden, the war we're supposed to be winding down. After all, just like in Iraq, right off the bat we defeated the Afghan armies and toppled their government, pretty much the textbook definition of winning a war. Well, also just like Iraq, for some reason we're still there fighting against whoever will have us; ragtag militias, trained insurgents, crazy God-complex dudes with fanatical followers, it really doesn't matter all that much. That's what armies do, fight battles, and all they were ever designed to do, and whenever a mobilized foreign army is in your neighborhood, someone's going to take up the challenge. It's just human nature to repel the interlopers. Weren't we told that this was a war we would wrapping up ASAP? Is that ringing any bells here? So... tell us again how sending in another 22,000 troops is accomplishing this? Seems sort of counter-productive on the face of it.

And aren't our unmanned aircraft drones operated with a video game joy stick by CIA computer geeks from the air-conditioned comfort of Las Vegas doing a decent enough job of winning the game of hide-and-go-seek with these Taliban guys? That's more like hide-and-go-heat-seeking-missile and bye-bye Mr. Taliban with no Marines killed by roadside bombs 10,000 miles from home sweet home. Can someone in the Obama administration explain exactly what their thinking is on this escalation of hostilities? Maybe put our minds to rest here with the explanation of their ingenious master plan, the one where we finally get bin Laden and leave that godforsaken nation to their own devices, such as they might be? They don't have to give away any secrets, just kind reassure us a little bit. There is a plan here, isn't there? Isn't there?

That gut feeling is one we shouldn't ignore. Like that skin-crawling creepy sensation you experience when you see a broadcast of Sarah (I'm bailin'!) Palin. Why the hell would anybody point a TV camera her way anymore? There's more interesting and substantive working Moms on every street of every town in America, and few of them are as willfully ignorant as she is, and fewer still are quitters. She made a farewell speech Sunday night explaining that she's quitting the Governorship of Alaska, a job she committed herself to and the voters of Alaska entrusted her to complete by saying she quit because she's (¡?!) not a quitter Wow. The jaw drops and the eyes glaze over...

This was not a comedy routine, either. She delivered it with a straight face and no trace of irony, then admonished the American press corps to "stop making stuff up" because America has brave soldiers. What? Maybe she can refresh our memories on what exactly that has to do with anything, anything at all. Just throw something out there, Sarah, whatever pops into your pointy little head! No one will expect you to make a lick of sense, just babble about veterans and farmers and apple pie and Coca Cola and American-made cars and the flag too while you're at it. Your fans will love it and the rest of us will just sort of scratch our heads and stare into space with unfocused glazed eyes.You betcha!

And can anyone (Not her, please God not her!) tell us again exactly why this overambitious mental midget is important to anybody not directly related to her? And does she plan to even read the book that somebody with actual skills and an orderly, lucid mind is going to write for her so she can make 7 million bucks? So now she'll probably go hang out with those "real Americans" she keeps ranting about, providing of course they're the kind of real Americans who will pay her huge piles of cash money to keep on saying stupid shit that means absolutely nothing on her very own TV show. A nation waits with bated breath...

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 444

Lazy is as lazy doesn't.

DOPOTO REPORTS: CRACKING THE CODE

We here at the Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO), like much of the rest of humanity, read the newspaper and internet news and hear radio and television news reports just about every single day. Our highly skilled research team has long since concluded that the reports are often incomplete, and that certain phrases or words are code for something else entirely. For example, what is a "highly placed source" but a disgruntled employee who's input has been rejected and has found a reporter to publicize their agenda? Those who do have the ear of the boss sure won't risk their position by going behind his back to the press anonymously. And doesn't "former beauty queen" always seem to mean vengeful wrinkled old hag? And there are a thousand more examples of newspeak that say something other than the obvious, an anathema to an organization like ours dedicated to pointing out the Emperor's new cloths. Consider the following:

When the leader of a nation or his spokesperson says "our position is clear," invariably that means they are sticking to an unreasonable policy and won't listen to reason for all the cheese in Wisconsin.

When huge banks announce that they have bounced back from the grievous self-inflicted hemorrhages of last year so quickly and are reporting huge profits once again, what they really mean is that it's okay again to transfer billions of their shareholders' dollars (read that: someone else's money)to the wealthy elite executive corps in the form of obscene bonuses.

And when these princes of high finance announce they have found another Golden Goose called "High Frequency Trading," they are letting the cat out of the bag that they are cheating again and will move heaven and earth, fielding legions of attorneys and lobbyists, to find a loophole in any law or regulation designed to level the playing field and punish unfair insider trading.

When scientists worry that the machines they build may soon have the ability to outsmart man, they seem to have forgotten that VCRs, DVD players, phone answering machines and home computers have been doing this for decades. Who worries about robots and drone airplanes when you can't even figure out what the hell the F12 key really does?

And speaking of scientists, when archaeologists uncover some new dinosaur skeleton or ancient human implement and say that this "probably" or "almost certainly" was this particular kind of creature that lived and ate this particular way or this specific tool was used for this or that exact purpose, what they are really saying is: "Your guess is as good as mine." Nice work if you can get it.

When savage killings and open warfare breaks out between Muslims over the proper practice of the Islamic faith and Christians smugly announce how barbaric a faith Islam is, what they are saying is that they cut every single history class in school. No faith has been responsible for more bloodshed, torture, brutal oppression and widespread warfare than that of the followers of The Prince of Peace. Islam has a way to go to catch up to Christianity's body count. To a whole lot of Muslims' credit, however, they are trying their best in the critical Tyrannical Oppression and Senseless Killing departments, so there's still hope for them entering the mainstream. Special kudos from The Department go out to them for the innovative and diabolical twist of talking young men in the prime of their lives into blowing themselves and others to smithereens in the name of a religion that means "Peace."

When Charles Taylor, former brutal dictator of Liberia now on trial for war crimes in Sierra Leone (where he tried to conquer their diamond mines) pleads not guilty to the many charges against him, he is especially vehement in denying the charges of cannibalism. Which doesn't look good for his prospects of acquittal on all the other charges of diamond smuggling, gunrunning, war making and the murder and mutilation of half a million human beings. When your only defense is: "At least I'm not a cannibal!", your case is problematic at best and your chances of winning quite slim.

When China and Taiwan approach one another though official diplomatic channels, what that means is that China has finally given up the ghost of reclaiming the island, figuring, "Do we really need another 23 million citizens to go with our 1.3 billion, especially when those pesky Taiwanese are used to voting and having all those decadent Western human rights and liberties? They'll just fire everyone else up and we'll be having another Tiananmen Square incident every six weeks. That darned tank ammo is very pricey!"

When a species of frog previously thought to have been extinct is found somewhere, that means that nature has been pretty thorough in producing enough varieties of frogs so that their functions overlap and when one kind disappears the world doesn't notice they are gone. Perhaps they take turns disappearing and reappearing to spread the frog workload equitably. What that also tells us is that there are people in this world who are on the ball with keeping tabs on frogs so that the rest of us are pretty much off the hook with frog counting. Reassuring, that.

When you read about billionaires still wheeling and dealing well into their 70's and 80's, your realize that the accumulation of that much wealth is as often as not an all-consuming compulsion rather than a means to an end. At an age when most men their age have relinquished the running of the world to younger hands and are enjoying the fruits of their labors in the restful and leisurely pursuits of retirement, what these obsessive control freak geezers are telling you is that they are Ebenezer Scrooge, afflicted with a severe mental infirmity and unable to help themselves. And as any first year intern at DOPOTO can confirm, there are no Ghosts of Christmas Future handy to save these poor wretches from themselves.

When Republican Party operatives mount an intensive campaign to remove President Obama from office because he was really born in (!) Kenya, what they are really saying is "We've got nothing, not a damned thing in our pointy little heads." Calling the followers of their movement "Birthers" isn't helping their lost cause either, conjuring up images of inbred, isolated religious cults or Nadya Suleman, the Octomom. Calls to Birther headquarters in Brainfreeze, Idaho from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious have gone unanswered due the Birthers' fear of the "witch voices" emanating from their telephones, which they have declared to be instruments of Satan.

When sport writers and cycling fans gush over bicyclist Lance Armstrong's 7 wins in the Tour de France, they never mention that bicycle riding is something that most of us master completely at around the age of 7 or 8, and yet receive no accolades for our advanced skills or athleticism. It's pretty much an unspoken assumption that someone who rides a bicycle 10 hours a day will get giant thighs, deep lungs and not much else. Which researchers at DOPOTO have discovered is why the Tour de France was originally invented, as a consolation prize devised by social scientists to boost the self esteem of French people whose only skill was bike riding and were starting to feel inferior to people who won accolades for actual athletic prowess or winning their wars. Somewhere throughout the ensuing decades it got out of hand with the Yellow Jersey that was originally the entire jackpot for the race becoming a symbol of actual achievement. One result is that Armstrong is a wealthy international star.

This has been a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 443

The ultimate in cool is not being afraid to be uncool sometimes.

HOW MUCH IS THAT KIDNEY IN THE WINDOW?

The New York City metropolitan area is once again asserting it's rightful dominance in the all-important category of All-Around Corruption and Official Government Thuggery. This standing has been in some doubt of late, with our own tawdry little State Capital in the semi-city of Albany grabbing headline after headline describing the moral and ethical cesspool that passes for the New York State Legislature. Indeed, State Governments in Illinois and as far away as California and Alaska have been making great strides in the Corruption Sweepstakes, earnestly selling their influence to the highest bidder and shamelessly selling out their constituents, to say nothing of the Federal Government for the 8 years prior to 2009 being the most criminally corrupt Administration in American history.

The Big Apple was slipping badly and Americans were scratching their heads and asking the question: "What's up with that?" Then just last year, Wall Street came to our rescue when it, as the Control Center For All The Money In The World, collapsed in an orgy of greed, incompetence and naked larceny on the grandest possible scale, plunging the entire world into economic chaos. We were back, people, back with a vengeance! But many of us wondered out loud: was it enough? After all, the details of the Worldwide Money Flush revealed prominent coconspirator culprits hailing from all over the planet, with Wall Street merely having the most March Of Slime Poster Boys per capita. We needed a real live home grown rootin'-tootin' scourge of a scandal that would repel everybody and let the whole world know Who's Your Abusive Daddy!

Well, it happened last week, and involved not only two of New York City's boroughs, Brooklyn and the Bronx, but several mayors of some of New York's Vassal Sates across the Hudson River in New Jersey. Money laundering! Bribes! Influence peddling! Legislators! Mayors! Appointed Public Officals! Health Inspectors! Synagogues as fronts for cleaning dirty money! Thieves and goons of every racial, religious, sexual and political persuasion, a Rainbow Coalition of slime! Take that, Chicago! Eat our dust, Louisiana! And best (worst) of all - rabbis involved in black market human organ sales, with pistols involved, for God's sake! (Okay, bad choice of word there.)

New York has shown the world that we can do it bigger, better and badder than anywhere else. Bernie Madoff, biggest thief ever at $165 billion? A New Yorker, thank you very much! Rabbi Ishak Rosenbaum, the monster who bought poor people's internal organs for $10,000 and then resold them for 15 times that amount on the human organ black market (How evil is that?), often enforcing the organ removal surgery at gunpoint? That's right folks, a New Yorker! And guess what, who do you think made charitable donations of stolen money to Rabbi Rosenbaum's phony charity? That's right, our very own Bernie Madoff. You can't make this stuff up, people! And as this far-flung scandal and FBI investigation unfolds it just gets better (worse) and better (worse)! Keith Olberman's head is spinning trying to pick his TV show's daily Worst Person In The World!

There are just so many to choose from, and now The New York Daily News has expanded the scope of the scandal into a stomach-wrenching expose of New York City hospitals and their life threatening incompetence, filth, indifference and corruption. Damn, this is good (appallingly horrible)! For those of us wondering exactly what it would take to make all the disgraced CEOs of our major banks and corporations look not all that bad, well, here it is. The human organ ring is downright Satanic, and being run by an alleged Man of God, it makes you wonder what's worse than Satan. Wow, these people are so damned heinous they are beyond human language to describe them! Do we growl and bark at them? Are there any acts or gestures strong enough to register our complete revulsion?

Doubtful. Even putrid, runny defecation or oozing or foul infected pustules are mild images compared to preying upon society's most vulnerable and desperate. Not only that, but costing the lives of countless other such souls who don't have 150 grand for a contraband kidney by completely corrupting the organ donor system. You're serial killer material at that point, or maybe worse, since serial killers don't grow wealthy with all that time-consuming stalking and killing, it's just a hobby. And since the head of the gang is a rabbi, he ups the ante on sleaze even more by providing anti-Semites and conspiracy wackos plenty of material for their moronic evil-Jews-run-the-world tirades. Just what the world needs, more hate, eh? How's that for splashing the slime around? The guy's a virtuoso!

And so Gotham reclaims our mantle. After years of falling crime rates, improved quality of life and boring revitalization of so many formerly troubled neighborhoods, people were talking. There were whispers everywhere that New York City had lost its edge. Well, last week's arrests put all that gossip to rest and put the lie to the nasty rumors that we were getting soft. Hah! Our public officials are once again front and center on the front page of the newspapers, doing their perp walk and denying the charges. Why, Boss Tweed and Tammany Hall would be proud as can be! It's like old times again in New York. To which we can only say: How much is that kidney in the window?

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 442

Ice cream is not a recognized food group, yet another gaping hole in American nutritional science. The reality is that it is by far the very best of the food groups, in spite of any official killjoys who insist otherwise. In a nation where the Surgeon General is neither a surgeon nor a general, what else can you expect?

THE OLD GUARD YANKEES SHINE

The New York Yankees, Major League Baseball's most successful team and the most famous sports team in the world, are having themselves a dandy of a season. They've been an excellent team again since 1996 when they went on an old time Yankee-style tear of winning 4 World Championships in 5 seasons, an incredibly difficult feat in these days of 3 rounds of playoff games. No other baseball team has been able to accomplish anything remotely similar since the advent of the playoff system to determine which teams advance to the World Series. A team has to remain focused and hot for two grueling elimination rounds, staving off other excellent teams that get suddenly hot, and then maintain that intensity in the World Series. And with management having just invested in a brand new Yankee Stadium and the three top free agents on the market over the winter, the pressure was on to win it all this year.

It has been almost 9 years now since they last won a World Series. Oh, they reached there twice, only to lose to the Arizona Diamondbacks in 2001 and the Florida Marlins in 2003. Since then, they've been eliminated in the second round in 2004 and the first round of the playoffs 3 straight times. The last time this happened it cost Manager Joe Torre his job after 12 stellar seasons, an incredibly long run for the George Steinbrenner-owned Yankees. He was replaced by Joe Gerardi, a former Yankee catcher who was around for the beginning of the late 90's dynasty before giving way to current long-time All Star catcher Jorge Posada and moving on to coaching and managing. The Yanks didn't even make the playoffs in 2008 for the first time since 1995. The vultures circled and the Yankees were pronounced over the hill and a team in transition heading nowhere fast.

Gone were old warriors Bernie Williams, Tino Martinez, Paul O'Neill and Scott Brosius. Nowhere to be seen were tenacious bulldog pitchers like Davids Cone and Wells, Andy Pettitte and El Duque, Orlando Hernandez, all of whom ratcheted up their considerable skill level come October. Sure, Pettitte was back after a three year exile in Houston, but last year he faded in the stretch, going 14-14 for the first non-winning record of his career. There has been a lot of talk about Alex Rodriguez being a distraction and there being no team chemistry with all the new free agent millionaires the Yankee brought in over the winter.

Mostly there was a lot of chatter about the last three holdovers from 1996 getting a little long in the tooth and losing their edge. These would be team captain Derek Jeter, the face of baseball and a fantastic player who knows a hundred ways to win a baseball game, Posada, who had off-season shoulder surgery and started the season late, and the great Mariano Rivera, the best closing pitcher ever to play the game. Incredible as it may seem, these boys of summer are now 35, 37 and 39, respectively, an age that usually signals if not the end of a baseball career, the twilight years at best. While all three men are superb athletes with great work habits, no one cheats Father Time forever. The feeling was that these three hearts and souls of this Yankee team would falter and drag the team down.

The team started the season spottily too, with an up and down April and May while their arch rivals the Boston Red Sox looked to be the better team, beating the Yankees in every meeting. Jeter was in better health than in recent years when he played through a series of injuries, never admitting they were a hindrance. His return to top form helped keep the Yanks in the race while they struggled. Posada was rehabbing his shoulder and Mariano blew a couple of saves and started to look decidedly human. One of their best starting pitchers, Chien Ming Wang, succumbed to a series of injuries that knocked him out for half the season last year and likely this season too.

The two new free agent pitchers, C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett, were not in the dominant groove expected of them. Pettitte has been solid, but he is 37 and getting by on smarts and experience. Joba Chamberlain, their Ace Apparent, experienced a lot of growing pains as a starter after shining as the set-up man for Rivera last year. Alex Rodriguez, possibly baseball's most talented player, also started the season late, recovering from surgery on his hip. Hideki Matsui has been limited to the Designated Hitter role due to surgery on his knee. 35 year-old Johnny Damon had to take over Matsui's left field job and decent but not spectacular Nick Swisher was signed to play right field. Center Field, long the glory position in Yankee Stadium was up for grabs in spring training and shared by two young players who had yet to prove themselves, Brett Gardner and Melky Cabrera. All in all, many thought this was a team in transition and would again miss the playoffs.

On the plus side, new first baseman Mark Texiera has been a marvel, hitting in the clutch, fielding his position well and piling up home runs. Second baseman Robinson Cano has also been terrific, bouncing back from a sub-par performance last year. Outfielder Brett Gardner has added a new dimension to their base running game with his blinding speed and daring and Melky Cabrera is becoming a clutch performer and has a great arm in the outfield, saving many a run as opposing base runners think better of taking the extra base. Swisher has been a welcome addition too, a loose-goose country hardball player enjoying a career year.

Matsui's been in a sweet hitting groove, knocking a walk-off homer the other day, and Damon's bat is still as lethal as ever in his new #2 spot in the order. The utility players have been fine too, filling in for the injured and coming off the bench with solid contributions. The bullpen has solidified with the dominant success of Phil Hughes in Chamberlain's former role as set up man, with Phil Coke and Alfredo Aceves shining too. Their catcher-of-the-future Francisco Cervelli opened a lot of eyes with his potent bat and his ability to call games at the major league level before he was sent back to the minors to make way for Posada, a move that some said was a mistake since they felt Posada would be unreliable behind the plate after his surgery.

Then came the hot weather and a team that was coming together as a unit starting to feel their oats. Jorge Posada is doing the lion's share of the catching and his hitting has been outstanding, his home run power still a threat. Mariano has been as great as ever as a closer, those couple of blown saves early on seemingly a fluke. After struggling when he returned, Alex Rogriguez is again striking fear into the hearts of opposing teams when he comes to bat and fielding his position flawlessly. And Derek Jeter, moved into the unfamiliar lead-off role in the lineup this year, has shown the world he is still Derek Jeter both at bat and on the field. After scoring the tying run in the All Star Game his team would win, Jeter's Yankees started a 10 game home stand and have won 8 of 9 so far, taking over first place from Boston.

There were a magic few games recently when it looked like the late 90s with Posada and Jeter getting clutch hits late in the game and making spectacular plays to save runs and then Mariano coming in to close out the games with skinny one run leads 3 nights in a row with that eerie calm and indomitable confidence. These three have set the tone for their team, and everyone else is doing their best to live up to their quiet professionalism, competitive fire and killer instinct. The starting pitching has been strong, the bullpen stronger and the fielding and hitting better than any other team. And the old guard is there leading not only by the example of their stellar play, but by the sheer force of their personalities.

Rivera and Posada are serious hardworking family men, bright students of the game they have spent their adult lives learning and eager teachers to the younger players and even the veterans new to the Yankees. Derek Jeter, one of the most famous athletes in the country, handsome and single, seems to be an impossible person: one who has not succumbed to the debilitating temptations of the big city and become a vacuous playboy frittering away his talents on the nightlife and growing an ego the size of New York like so many before him. He remains the polite, clean living and driven young man he was in 1996, still calling his former manager Mr. Torre and keeping his private life private in the biggest fishbowl in a fishbowl age.

Even people who hate the Yankees, and there are no shortage of those, never have a bad word to say about The Captain. When he signed a 10 year contract paying him $18 million per season in 2001, he never slacked off in his pursuit of excellence and continues to hone his skills and stay in game shape all year round. With his own money he started the Turn Two Foundation, a charity dedicated to keep young boys from getting involved with drugs and alcohol that runs programs and activities designed to help the youngsters get the most out of their lives. He has never been involved in a scandal of any sort and there have never been any suspicions of him using steroids or abusing another person.

The same can be said of Rivera and Posada, and there has seldom been three such big stars on one team who acted less like stars. They know theirs is a team sport with the success of the team relying on the preparation, dedication and professionalism of every member of the team, and they have never let down their teammates or fans in this respect. This is a team to savor and watch closely because who knows how much longer these three amigos will continue to put their stamp of modest intensity on their team, playing hard every inning of every game, getting the most out of their gifts and raising the bar in the clutch.

They've been together a dozen years and have come to define the Yankees. This has become a very interesting season indeed and we can all look forward to baseball being played at its highest possible level at Yankee Stadium and we have these 3 old dogs who everyone thought had left their best days behind them to thank. With their old bulldog of a pitcher buddy, the prodigal son Andy Pettitte rejoining them, along with a superb supporting cast, this can wind up being a very special season indeed. The excitement is palpable and even the fair weather Yankee fans and the doubters are sitting up and taking notice. World Series win #27, anybody? Play ball!

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 441

Memory is like visual perspective. The farther away something gets, the smaller it seems to be, no matter how huge it was up close.

KEEPING AMAZON TRIBES AS PETS

Bad enough that half this world lives in the Space Age while the other half resides somewhere between 2 and 8 centuries ago, but there's tiny groups of so-called isolated tribes who haven't even reached the Bronze Age yet and scientists and social engineers want to keep them exactly where they are. Why? Their sacred life style will be lost forever? Good! Why the hell should these people pay for their former geographic isolation from the rest of humanity forever? Just so some asshole with a few letters behind his name can test them like lab rats and use them to advance his half-assed social theories? Screw that. Some of these patronizing slobs have in effect "adopted" these tribes and do all they can to keep them living in primitive conditions, the rat pricks.

When you adopt a child, if you kept the kid in primitive conditions it wouldn't be long before your ass would be slapped in jail for child abuse, and rightfully so. The isolated tribes have children, sure, but most of them are human adults with the exact same intellectual capacity as anyone anywhere. Their children have the exact same capacity for learning and adapting to new realities as children anywhere else on the planet. Should they be condemned to live a prehistoric existence forever just so some joker can publish scientific papers that only other dopes like them read? And guess what? They sure as hell are not isolated anymore or the rest of us wouldn't know so much about them. Explain that one away, Dr. Livingston. If we are reading about them in The New York Times, it's pretty damned official; they're famous. Isolated, shmisolated.

So, that bubble is burst and these people are well aware of us too. Do they ever wonder why the rest of the world hasn't invited them to the dance? There's giant bulldozers dismantling their damned world all around them, and people with satellite phones and laptop computers flying into their neighborhood in aircraft all the time photographing them, filming them, interviewing them, treating them with modern miraculous medicines when need be and generally letting them know that we have all sorts of really cool stuff centuries more advanced than anything they have. That would be like a technologically advanced race from another planet visiting us, and telling us: "Sure we can cure cancer, end hunger in your world and provide you with an unlimited energy source using house flies but you can't have any of that because we want to study you in all your backward squalor."

That would kind of grate on your nerves, no? Maybe they'd explain that they don't want to despoil our unique, naive and quaint culture with all this complex progress and ease of living. So they'd just sort of hang around, interviewing us and documenting our existence while they play with their miraculous inventions and fly around in their space ships and levitate sky scrapers with their secret decoder rings and never share any of this with us even though they aren't any smarter than us and then have the nerve to call themselves our friends and protectors. And we'd still be dying in droves from cancer and starvation and poisoning our planet with CO2 emissions knowing that these guys can help us out here in a flash. It wouldn't be long before we started kicking serious alien ass and telling them to go the fuck home and leave us alone already and we'll figure our lives out ourselves, thank you, you arrogant alien blowhard fucking geeks!

You've got to figure there's a lot those thoughts swimming around in these not-so-isolated-anymore people's heads, stuff like: "I'm living in a sweltering straw fucking hut making arrow tips from obsidian so I can chase down a giant irritable wild boar barefoot in the pouring rain through thick jungle and be lucky not to get a huge tusk hole gouged in my abdomen and I'm carrying water in a mud and straw bucket and my 48 year-old father is dying of old age and this asshole cruises in here in an air-conditioned speedboat eating microwaved food, carrying all sorts of automatic firearms that he doesn't even hunt with, listening to Wilco songs while talking to his friends on the other side of the planet on his computer in real time and wearing glasses that cure failing eyesight with ease and he's telling me I'm the lucky one? I've got a nice litle poison dart with his goddamned name on it, the fat-ass piece of shit!"

Who wouldn't think these thoughts under the same circumstances? No one's saying eradicate their culture or language or religion or their cultural wisdom, just maybe give them some amenities, a chance to join the party and boogie a little bit, maybe give their kids a shot to not have to drop dead of old age at 48, if they can avoid the panthers and the boar tusks, that is. An invitation, that's all. Hell, the Dalai Lama has a friggin' website and flies around the world first class and he's still a Buddhist monk, believing all the same stuff that Buddhist monks have believed for long centuries, so let's not get all weepy about the modern world spoiling ancient belief systems and cultures.

Who hasn't seen an Indian woman in a traditional sari and head dot texting and gabbing away on the latest iPhone, or a bearded and black-garbed Chassidic Jew who truly believes that the world is only 6,000 years old (!) whipping out the old laptop to find the best prices for religious relics exactly like those described in the Book of Leviticus? These people have kept pace just fine with the modern world and haven't had their cultures, languages or ancient beliefs eradicated. Why keep these Amazon tribes as humanity's pets? Because we can? That's pretty shitty of us.

At least give the poor suckers a choice. If we don't, look for a rash of scientists' bodies floating down the Amazon with a whole bunch of obsidian-tipped poison darts perforating their plump heinies. Then maybe the next set of scholars to visit them just might rethink their roles as human zookeepers and try to truly help our long lost brothers and sisters join in our shared human journey. Odds are they'll have plenty to teach us too; their music, their stories, their wisdom, their vast knowledge of the ecology of the deep rain forests, their thought processes and the unique opportunity to hear fresh sets of eyes assessing the world we have built. One of them just might cure cancer one of these days, invent a spaceship that can reach the stars or explain how men can live in peace. But we'll never know that if we insist on keeping them as pets. Set them free and go study aardvarks or something.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 440

If you don't understand something, it's no calamity and no, you're not a dummy. Even Einstein was lousy speller, and he was a pretty sharp guy. We all have our strengths and our Achilles heels. Ask questions.

ODE TO JOY

What makes you happy? Plenty of things, no doubt. We all have our preferences, whether it's baseball, gardening, music, religion, stamp collecting, cars, painting, reading, swimming or any of a bazillion things that hold people's interest to the point where they capture our affection, our out and out love. Then there's the things that everybody loves; making love, eating good food, sunny days, our families, our country and the people who we connect with in a special way who are our dear friends. These things make us all happy campers. We love them. They bring us joy.

Joy is a seldom-used word, which is sort of odd when you think of what a wonderful thing it is to experience joy. There's not even all that many expressions describing the sensation either; boundless joy, unbridled joy, pride and joy, all-encompassing joy (pretty lame, that one) and that's about it. You'd think joy would be on the tip of our tongues all the time and we'd have a thousand ways to describe it, like the Eskimos with their eighty words for snow. Or maybe its just one of those rare feelings not easily put into words (That's where I come in handy.). Sure, this can be a mean old world sometimes, and all that doom and gloom stuff, but this is not about that side of the coin. There is no one reading this who has not had their share or more of grief and disappointment and need no reminders of that. Let's talk joy!

We start out life filled with awe and wonder and having an infinite capacity to experience joy. Sticking our toes in our mouth, seeing our first butterfly, taking our first rickety steps, these were pretty joyful things for each of us. Add some vanilla ice cream and a baby is in Nirvana, ecstatic beyond comprehension. Then there were those times in childhood when a complete euphoric joy assaulted every one of our senses for no reason at all, that giddy flight of our minds and bodies that informed our little selves how very wonderful it is be alive. Those moments connected us with the incredible power of this vibrant life and made us realize that we are an important part of this big old ball of wax. As grownups we are fortunate to occasionally have this feeling revisit us out of nowhere, swooping down on our serious, earnest selves and transporting us to Joyville. What a gas!

When and why that happens is as inexplicable as it is surprising. Then again, why question it? Joy is not something to be analyzed or dissected, it is a priceless gift to be felt deeply and savored. Maybe it was that beam of sunlight that pushed its way through steel-gray mountains of clouds and shined right in your face for a couple of seconds? After that the rainy day isn't so bad after all, is it? It could have been the swaying hips of that lovely young thing who just sashayed by. Might be snippet of an old song that brings back a golden torrent of sweet memories. Who knows what makes us joyful? And who cares? Grab it with both hands and hang on for dear life.

And if you pay attention you can't help but notice that there's a lot of joy around us. Children are the most obvious suspects of course. Now put children with other children and throw in a couple of big, happy, sloppy dogs that the kids can't quite control? Well, that's completely off the measurable joy charts, not only for the peewees and the dogs but for anyone lucky enough to witness their aimless, chaotic play. Makes no sense whatsoever and that's half the joy right there. Stop and smell those roses whenever the opportunity presents itself. You won't soon forget the experience and you'll always smile about what you saw.

Everywhere you turn is joy. Next time you're in an airport with time to kill (like just about every time you're in an airport) check out the Arrivals Gate. See how people react to long-delayed homecomings, how they rush into each others arms unashamed, weeping and laughing at the same time, absolutely consumed with joy. Watch the little dances of anticipation by people as they examine each face that emerges, waiting for their person, their loved one, and when they spot them in the crowd notice the blissful light in both faces when eyes meet. And when that loved one is a soldier coming back to his or her family from the wars whole and healthy? That is simply sublime. Watch the little child triumphantly climb atop Daddy's shoulders as they go retrieve the luggage while his wife and parents and siblings cling to him desperately to remind themselves that this is real. If tears don't come to your eyes and joy for these total strangers doesn't fill your soul, you are made of stone and to be pitied.

Joy is in your own life too, everywhere you turn, if only you open your heart to receive it. Take nothing and no one for granted and marvel every day at the miracle of the people in your life and at your own life itself. The hell with what you don't have, that list will always be longer than what you do have no matter how rich you become. Riches bring you only things. People and genuine interests bring you joy. Love and cherish who and what is in your life with every bit of your strength. Do the things you love to do, and do them with a passion. Joy does not visit the lukewarm but is showered upon the passionate. Be fierce in your love, because sometimes people are taken from us too soon and they should always know the power of your love and the primal joy it has brought to both of you. Love unexpressed is a tragedy.

Be generous in your spirit and share who you are. Love is one thing that returns tenfold when you give it away with no thought of any reward. Waste no time with those who reject you, there's plenty more where they came from. Waste none of your precious life either with those who feel that love, joy and passion are unimportant. They've got a screw loose and live dry, empty lives. Never be embarrassed by your capacity for giving or receiving love and joy. Men can learn a lot from women in this respect. While being a man is pretty different from being a woman, no definition of manhood should exclude open expressions of love or joy. It's not manly to be a stone, it's being a damned stone. Outside of geologists, anybody fascinated by rocks?

The world has plenty of barren rocks laying around already without any of us joining them. We're humans, a confusing jumble of emotions, intellect, fears, aspirations, desires, needs, wonder, curiosity and dreams. So let's dream our dreams and laugh our laughs and work our jobs with all we've got. Yesterday's gone and tomorrow might not come so let's all of us right here and right now love our people madly, do the things we love to do and open our hearts and our minds and our souls to that great other, the joy that we are privileged to be able to receive. That feeling that makes you want to LIVE in capital letters, to do and be and taste and touch! May you give and receive profound joy this day.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 439

Even though neither one is necessary, snacks are more fun than meals and naps feel better than a night's sleep. It's the indulgence that feels good.

IS IT JUST ME (TWO)?

Is it just me or are there others who don't remember trusting (or not trusting, for that matter) Walter Cronkite all that much? Wasn't something that occurred to me all that often. I don't ever remember any "What would Walter Cronkite do?" moments when making life decisions. While I sure didn't dislike the man and if I ever gave him any conscious thought at all considered him to be a consummate professional, a reassuring part of the cultural landscape and probably a really nice guy, he wasn't in my mind my uncle. I had plenty of uncles, even a real Uncle Walter, none of them remotely like him. And as far as him being an "American Icon" or a Great American, did he have any huge talent I don't know about other than reading news reports on TV?

Maybe some volumes of poetry or something, a great novel or two published under another name, perhaps being a virtuoso on the oboe or a great painter or sculptor or composer or an innovative philosopher? Did he invent stuff? Was he a secret Great Statesman? Or was he just an earnest guy doing do his job well and lucky enough to become rich and famous and smart enough not to make a complete ass of himself in the process like so many of his colleagues do? Is it just me, or is that who Walter Cronkite was? All in all, a damned good legacy, and one I get the feeling he would be just as happy with as the being called "the most trusted man in America."

Is it just me or does the word "birthers" conjure up images of grimy, illiterate midwives from centuries past with Cockney accents? Awright now, let's have the menfolk outta the 'ouse, and let me change the straw ticking! All of a sudden the right wing, fresh out of ideas, voted out of power at the national level, unable to explain away their disastrous 8 years in power, is now grasping at the straw of claiming that Barack Obama was not born in the United States and thus ineligible to hold the office of President, an issue long since put to rest in the minds of the sane and undesperate. They even have a name for their movement, Birthers, and a jackass of a Congressman from California proposing to waste valuable legislative energy in the midst of several pressing national crises on a bill to make it a law for all presidential candidates to produce an original birth certificate (There's already a Constitutional requirement for this proof.).

Can't these guys just take a time out and come to grips with the facts of life? Maybe realize that they destroyed a once-thriving Republican Party by driving out all the smart people and that the road back to power is not through acting really crazy? And just maybe a little reflection might lead them to wonder just what the hell they were thinking when they handed the mantle of leadership to Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich and (!) Sarah Palin. Come on, right wing people, you're scaring us now, snap out out of it! Stop with the foaming at the mouth already and beg the calm, smart people to return and help save the 2 party adversarial system. Don't make us put you on sedatives, 'cause we will.

Is it just me or shouldn't official corruption be considered more of a crime than a sport? Right now it seems that our state and federal legislatures, our courts and appointed officials of every political persuasion are in a stiff competition to see who can be the most greedy and self-serving son-or-daughter-of-a-bitch in the country. And without naming names that are already splashed all over every media outlet on any given day, there's a lot of really accomplished thieves out there in officialdom land. And they have the nerve to complain about corrupt cops when they are in effect their bosses and setting such a vile example? Please! Isn't it time to start sending these clowns to jail for a really long time when they are caught with their hands in the public cookie jar or taking bribes? Ten or fifteen years in a real slammer with real criminals (which is what they are, by the way) and forfeiture of any assets they obtained through their crimes ought to give the rest of them something to think about when temptation strikes.

And the hell with worrying about their sex lives or the state of their marriages, that's just immature bullshit that has no bearing on anything public, go after the damned thieves. Why should Bernie Madoff get 150 years for ripping off rich people when our corrupt leaders are starting illegal wars for profit, taking bribes from corporations, rigging the system to benefit themselves and stealing from everybody and getting away with it? While long jail sentences would not completely eliminate corruption, it just might keep the stealing down to a discreet minimum so we can get things done. Is it just me or do we need stiff regulation more than ever? There's sure no shortage of rules and regulations (laws) imposed on the average citizen, no? And when we break them we know we risk long incarceration in a decidedly unpleasant penitentiary. Who died and made these people kings, above the law? Wasn't there a revolution around here in 1776 to eliminate royalty, that whole "all men are created equal" deal and the concept of equal justice before the law? As a wise man once said: "Something smells like fish and it ain't fish."

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 438

Don't let love slip away because of something you should have said but didn't. Open your heart and your mouth. You're risking everything, so you might as well come out with both barrels blazing. You don't want a mind full of What Might Have Been. It's better to lose than to never know. Find out.

WESTERN INFLUENCES THE THIRD WORLD COULD USE

These days you hear a lot about underdeveloped nations turning away from the supposedly corrupt influence of Western civilization. There was a time in the not too distant past when such nations were eager to learn the formula for success in the West. Many still do, and try to emulate their democratic ways and learn how to use modern technology to improve the lives of their nation's citizens. The ones who have turned away from the West generally have ideology-driven governments that an open society would make impossible to maintain. Usually that has to do with religion, one of the oldest an surest ways to maintain strict control over an isolated population. Other nations take the dictatorship route, a model at odds with any competing ideas but one fairly effective in maintaining strict control. Until the next dictator murders you, that is.

Of course this strict control comes at a steep price. Not to the leaders, of course, who generally live lives of decadent luxury, but to the populations, whose lives are marked by hunger, illiteracy, disease and misery. The theocrats and dictators naturally blame their people's misery on the West, even though many of these places at one time had advanced, flourishing civilzations for centuries before the ascendence of the West. The fact that those societies stagnated and disappeared and were replaced by today's shit holes that pass for countries calls for a scapeoat. Who better to blame than the successful? Hell, they don't care, they're rich! Who knows if they even notice? That's the beauty of the deal for the oppressors of those who have nothing; your ideology doesn't have to make a lick of sense. The uneducated and isolated have no frame of reference with which to compare ideas.

Usualy their populations are so isolated from outside news sources, so hungry, downtrodden and illiterate that they will believe anything they are told to believe. It is by this simple manipulative method that their leaders' fear of losing their cushy jobs becomes an entire nation's ingrained fears and hatreds. Starve them, isolate them, crush their spirits and replace their inborn sane reasoning with knee-jerk responses based on completely false and unreasonable assumptions and Bingo!, you're on easy street. The Third World does have many legitimate grievances against the West: the centuries of colonialism and paternalism, the human tendency of the strong to exploit the weak, the fact that on a regular basis Western powers used these people's nations as battlefields in their wars, and many other past sins.

The West is not a Utopia nor is populated and led by a bunch of sainted grannies. What western nations are, however, are places where the average citizen enjoys a well-fed, healthy, educated, free, productive and generally rewarding life. And they do so for a far longer average life span than their counterparts in Third World countries. So, all the "Death To The Great Satan" chanting in the world isn't going to change the fact that you live in a shit hole and the citizens of the Great Satan do not. You need not love Western civilization to find out why that is and what you can do about making your country less of a shit hole, maybe take a quick tutorial on the things that make these places prosperous and apply them back home. Maybe the leaders of some of these nations could learn stuff like this:

WORK YOUR ASS OFF: It's no secret that people in successful societies work hard. Those skyscrapers, dams, bridges, airports and highways didn't build themselves, nor did the computers spring to life unbidden. Pay people well for their labors and stand back, they'll be like an army of beavers. (See China after old Murdering Mao dropped dead)

TEACH EVERYONE TO READ: While this step runs the danger of your people finding out you're full of shit, a literate work force is less likely to electrocute themselves when you're trying to industrialize your country. Those big red WARNING - HIGH VOLTAGE signs don't mean a damned thing to illiterates. And you just might want to start a few world-class universities so that the better-paying and more complex jobs don't have to be filled by foreigners that you will wind up depending upon. That just leads to resentment and your native people becoming a permanent underclass. (See Argentina, circa 1950's and the influx of Fascist refugees and the subsequent omceremonious ouster of Juan Peron.)

CLEAN THE DAMNED WATER SUPPLY ALREADY: Okay, now you have hard working citizens who can read and write. That's not much good when they're dropping like flies by sharing their drinking water supply with cows and people who shit in it. This sort of thing kills 5 or 6 million people every year. It's very counter-productive.

LEARN TO FARM: Just because your nation has been farming for thousands of years doesn't mean you're doing it right. What was okay in Biblical times is just a tad outmoded on a planet with six and a half billion mouths to feed. Hand-planting the same crop in the same fields for centuries and plowing the land with a beast of burden might look quaint but it sort of wears out the soil and the backs of the farmers. There's tractors now, by the way, and a U.S. Department of Agriculture that will be happy to share their knowledge of modern agricultural methods so that your farm yields will improve around a hundredfold, probably more. Then maybe a whole lot of your children won't die of starvation every single year. Your newly motivated, literate and sanitized workers tend to slack off when their kids die of starvation all the time.

SEPARATE THE CHURCH AND STATE: Now this is a tall order for a lot of these backwaters. When everyone of a different religion has for centuries been considered a subhuman worthy only of being murdered in their beds with their entire families, it's kind of hard to tell your citizens you were only kidding, but history shows us with example after example that there has never been a religion capable of running a decent nation and never a nation capable of running a decent religion. When you mix the two they both suffer and what you have is a lousy excuse for a country and a worse excuse for a religion. What makes you guys different? It sure isn't your stellar record of achievement. A brutally honest assessment of the shit hole status of your own nation as opposed to the clean, prosperous and orderly status of nations who tolerate freedom of worship must just might get you thinking of rendering unto Caesar for a change.

HOLD HONEST ELECTIONS: If your ideas are all that stupendous, people will keep voting for you and you'll have no worries, mate. And the beauty of honest elections is that you don't get removed from office by being murdered, and more often than not enjoy a hefty pension for your service and get to be be considered some sort of revered elder statesman as you get older, even if you were a complete boob. (See Ronald Reagan, USA, Charles DeGaulle, France.)

DON'T CENSOR ANYBODY, ESPECIALLY THE IDIOTS: Take a cue from America's Democratic Party, who can't get enough of listening to the incoherent drivel pouring out of the mouths of the opposition party courtesy of the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Glen Beck, Bill O'Reilly and Shotgun Dick Cheney. And so what if they have followers? In a free elecion system, it's a rare thing for them to gain enough support to get elected. (See America under Cheney & Bush The Younger, 2001 to 2008. Hey, these things happen from time to time and stable nations survive their idiots intact.) By and large, however, they're so frighteningly stupid they serve as a vivid reminder to the majority of Americans to never again vote for dunces like them. Of course, when you allow the opposition to run their mouths publicly you run the risk of sensible people proposing far better ideas than your own, but if you truly love your country, you allow that sort of thing for the benefit of your people. And if you're real smart, you claim them as your own brainstorms and get reelected as some sort of genius.

NOW ROCK OUT!: So, now you're are a relatively prosperous, educated, free, clean, open and tolerant society that's not starving your children or burning out your farmland. Now what? Hell, that's the easy part. Now you want to be cool. Rock out! Let your artists and musicians do their thing. Let them play whatever kind of music they want, paint what they want and film whatever they like. Don't worry, trust your people to pick what's the best and the most fun of the bunch. Now you'll be a cool country too, and that's a good feeling. Of course there's a price to be paid for all this prosperity and freedom, things like Reality TV and Barry Manilow. You'll also have to give up your barbaric oppression and being feared and obeyed by a browbeaten, ignorant populace. No more joyful torture sessions, murdering people just for the hell of it and sharing your victims' wives with your posse. Hey, it was fun while it lasted, but if you want all the cool toys and to stay alive longer than your time in power, learn from the big boys. Let the good times roll!

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 437

It's not the big disappointments in life that bug you, but the accumulation of petty annoyances that often drive people over the edge. When someone lashes out viciously over spilt milk, rest assured that the spilt milk is just the tip of a pretty gigantic iceberg.

THE SAUDI FILM FESTIVAL? GUESS AGAIN

No, that's not a typo in the title, folks. and yes, you're right, there is no such thing. There almost was, though, a week-long film festival scheduled for the city of Jeddah. Sort of reminds one of organizing an Amish Technology Expo or a Goldman Sachs seminar on fiscal responsibility, but there is almost was. Writers, directors and movie fans and were all there, ready to participate in the week long Saudi Film Festival, the first ever scheduled in Saudi Arabia. It was supposed to start last Saturday but was cancelled at 11 PM Friday night by the municipal government of Jeddah, supposedly because the event was not sufficiently prepared. Which was news to the festival's organizers, who pretty much had it covered.

Planning a film festival is not exactly rocket science. You get a bunch of movies and play them for the audiences. The work has already been done by the actors, directors, producers, screenwriters and film crews, who deliver a finished product and then all you have to do is find a theater to screen it and the audience does the rest, which consists of sitting in a chair for two hours and watching. Not exactly brain-busting activities on the part of the organizers or the patrons of the event. Ah, but this is Saudi Arabia we're taking about and there are no movie theaters, what with them being against the law and all. It seems that religious radicals, who for some odd reason call themselves religious conservatives (!), pretty much run the show over there when it comes to all things cultural and behavioral, and the cinema is a big no-no.

As (bad) luck would have it for Saudi would-be film enthusiasts, movies are one of the things publicly banned in Saudi Arabia as being a corrupting Western influence on their people, perhaps right up there in their pantheon of evils with women leaving the house. The sponsor of the event, a wealthy member of the Saudi royal family named Prince Waleed bin Talal, is a noted normal guy who is not threatened by people watching dopey Harry Potter movies and having women behind the wheels of cars or their own lives. Which of course gets him branded as a dangerous liberal in Saudi Arabia, an enemy of Islam and so forth. His own brother, another wealthy prince and an extremist, has even called for bin Talal's assets to be frozen so he can't keep living his scandalously regular life.

The last thing the sexual deviants that run that country want is for their women to be let out of their cages to interfere with their love affairs with teenaged boys. That might be embarrassing, what with the Koran forbidding homosexuality and all, as if any book can do away with people's natural proclivities. Might as well forbid being tall for all the good it will do you. Well, this Waleed bin Talal runs around with beautiful women who, not being covered in potato sacks, one can't help but notice are beautiful women. Which is, after all, pretty normal, regular stuff. That normalcy alone drives the powerful extremists nuts. And now this Waleed guy wanted to run an international film festival?

Don't international films show normal people living normal lives? You know, the kind where the women are not under house arrest and nobody persecutes anybody else because they are different. The films might spoof or criticize other people, but even that is a celebration of their accepted existence. And don't international films reflect a world where a king and a 5,000 member royal family don't get to hog all the trillions of dollars in national income and run everybody's private lives? And run them in the most backward and strange ways imaginable? And of course these stringent laws do not apply to the royal family, most of whose behavior would entitle them to a pubic stoning, whipping or beheading if they were commoners. No, a film festival just won't do in the Land of Big Mullah. And Big Mullah is always watching.

The ironic thing is, though, is that movies are very popular in Saudi Arabia, although people are limited to watching them at home on DVD. It seems Big Mullah can't invade the sanctity of Saudi citizens' homes yet, at least as long as they are not suspected of heinous crimes like practicing a religion other than Islam or allowing a woman to leave home unescorted. So, the upshot was that the festival was cancelled the night before it was to have commenced, and the Saudi people have one more reminder that they live under a heavy yoke.

For now most of them seem to make the usual convoluted mental accommodations with the situation, it's not so bad, the government means well, it's God's will and all the usual claptrap, but you can't help but wonder how long this will go on. To live in a wealthy nation and not have the benefits of living in a wealthy nation is just as good a recipe for revolution as grinding poverty. And starving or not, the heel of the boot (or perhaps the sandal?) is just as annoying. While having the rug pulled out from beneath something as frivolous as a film festival may seem a small thing, that is the region of the world that coined the phrase "the straw that broke the camel's back." How funny would it be if the impetus for a Saudi revolution was Harry Potter? Or better yet, another comedy disaster by Jim Carey or Adam Sandler! That would give Big Mullah something to think about, and provide the rest of the world a lot more amusement than a a dozen film festivals.

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 436

Heavy drinkers understand gravity better than most. They're real science buffs, those people, testing that theory all the time.

READY-MADE HEADLINES

Newspaper editors are smart people. They've been around the block a time or two and there's very little under the sun that surprises them. Theirs is a high-paced business demanding a rapid response to events great and small, the operative 3 letters in the news business being n-e-w. With competition from the almost real-time internet news agencies, newspapers are hard pressed to stay totally current. Towards that end, they prepare and update obituaries for people who are not dead yet, keep stock photographs of anybody who is anybody and keep handy a whole bunch of headlines that experience tells them crop up again and again. They sometimes need to leave a blank space for the latest name to go with the story but the headlines themselves are already written, a valuable time saver, while some are multiple choice to cover any of several variations on common themes. Here's a few samples of their ready-to-go headlines:

CALIFORNIA WILDFIRES RAGE OUT OF CONTROL

_______, ROCK STAR, DIES IN SMALL PLANE CRASH

_______ ANNOUNCES PLAN FOR MIDDLE EAST PEACE

CHENEY CRITICAL OF OBAMA, CITES "LACK OF TORTURE" FOR INEFFECTIVENESS ON TERROR

REPUBLICAN REFORMER CAUGHT WITH MISTRESS/UNDERAGE BOYS/ GIRLS/ FARM ANIMALS/ PRESCRIPTION DRUG HABIT/ STOLEN MILLIONS (One or more of these answers are easily applicable, another clever way editors stay ahead of the curve.)

THE STATE OF __________'S LEGISLATURE FOUND TO BE THE MOST CORRUPT IN THE NATION

CHENEY CRITICAL OF OBAMA, CITES "LACK OF TORTURE" FOR INEFFECTIVENESS ON THE ECONOMY

YESTERDAY, OSAMA BIN LADEN RELEASED A NEW VIDEO

____________ TESTS POSITIVE FOR STEROIDS, CLAIMS IGNORANCE OVER WHAT WAS IN THAT GIGANTIC HYPODERMIC NEEDLE LABELED "HOME RUNS IN A BOTTLE"

CEO ___________ OF _________ CORPORATION AWARDS HIMSELF ENTIRE COMPANY AS A BONUS

__________, AMERICAN ICON, DEAD AT __ FROM ______

MULLAH _______ LEADS CHANTS OF "DEATH TO AMERICA"

MAYOR BLOOMBERG OF NYC SPENDS THE GNP OF A MID-SIZED NATION TO GET REELECTED

CHENEY CRITICAL OF OBAMA, CITES "LACK OF TORTURE" FOR INEFFECTIVENESS ON HEALTH CARE

DUBYA SETS RECORD FOR BRUSH CLEARING AT TEXAS BARBECUE

ACTRESS _______ CRASHES CAR INTO CUB SCOUTS, HEADS TO REHAB

CHINESE GOVERNMENT CRACKS DOWN ON ________.

LATEST OBESITY STUDY RELEASED AT 7 COURSE BANQUET

CHENEY CRITICAL OF OBAMA, CITES "LACK OF TORTURE" FOR INEFFECTIVENESS ON EDUCATION

THOUSANDS OF AFRICANS SLAUGHTERED IN TRIBAL WARFARE IN _________. U.N. VOWS "A STERN TALKING TO" AND A LENGTHY STUDY OF ROOT CAUSES.

DEATHS MOUNT, H.I.V. PLAGUE CONTINUES (Look for this one on page 55, next to the horoscopes.)

NASA CELEBRATES 40TH ANNIVERSARY OF MOON LANDING BY NOT PLANNING ANYTHING REMOTELY INTERESTING

ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL _______ RESIGNS IN DISGRACE (Seriously, does anyone think Obama's running a boy's choir? It's only a matter of time.)

DUBYA TO JUDGE WET T-SHIRT CONTEST IN TEXAS

AGING INFRASTRUCTURE LEADS TO ANOTHER TRAIN WRECK/ BRIDGE COLLAPSE/ FLOOD/ BLACKOUT

SCIENTISTS CELEBRATE ANOTHER WILD GUESS AS TO WHAT THE LATEST DINOSAUR BONE FRAGMENT ATE FOR DINNER

DONALD TRUMP GOES BROKE/ MAKES ANOTHER DRAMATIC COMEBACK/ FIRES EVERYBODY/ CLAIMS NEW TROPHY WIFE

CHICAGO CUBS ELIMINATED FROM CONTENTION (This used to include the Boston Red Sox until Manny Ramirez came along and spoiled a perfectly good ready-made headline with 2 World Series wins in 4 years for Boston. Boston did, however, trade him away, so optimistic editors still haven't discarded the Boston template they had used every year since 1918.)

CALIFORNIA MUDSLIDES EXTINGUISH WILDFIRES

U.S. BANKS, FLUSH WITH FEDERAL CASH, RESUME WIDESPREAD FRAUD AND CORRUPTION. CHENEY CITES "LACK OF TORTURE"

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 435

The game of soccer is a celebration of the very ordinary being bested by the mildly coordinated, with no athletes of any discernible skill taking part in the festivities on either side. Good thing too, or the score would be around 150 to 0 and the "goooaaaal!" guy would pop a blood vessel. Don't encourage this.

SO MUCH FOR THE GREAT WALL OF MEXICO. MR. OBAMA, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!

So today the news reports bring us another huge Duuuh! It seems that illegal Mexican immigrants and drug smugglers are taking to the seas to get around the Great Wall of Mexico being built between America and Mexico and the crazed vigilantes who like nothing more than shooting people on sight and not having to show anybody any stinking badges, since thy don't have any, thank you. So Mexicans, being an intelligent and pragmatic people, simply decided to go around these obstacles. Why nobody ever thought this would happen is a huge mystery. There are still plenty of maps around, no?

The most cursory glance at a map of where America and Mexico meet reveals no shortage of contiguous coastline joining both nations, and anybody deciding to sail from one nation to the next doesn't even have to venture out into the open sea, just hug the coast and hop out at any convenient beach. And that's exactly what's happening, in water craft of every possible description, with some of the tiny decrepit rowboats simply being abandoned off the trendy beaches of San Diego while several Mexicans hotfoot it past the indifferent sunbathers to the nearest highway. Who knows, maybe some of them are selling sun block and cold beverages to these same people the next day at the same beaches?

The best guy was one enterprising Marijuana smuggler who was caught paddling his surfboard north with a duffel bag full of the sweet weed on his back. This was probably his fortieth or fiftieth time doing this and he was only caught by dumb luck. Surfboards and rowboats cannot be detected by radar, and barely be seen by the naked eye out in the rolling waves. Now that the drug cartels in Mexico have grown so wealthy and brazen that they have fielded armies that are engaging the Mexican Army on an equal basis, many Northern Mexicans are fleeing their war-torn country, on top of the usual large migration of people seeking work. So, what's America to do?

First, admit how incredibly stupid an idea it was to try to replicate the Great Wall of China in the American Southwest. History tells us what an abysmal failure it was in China, and is only now paying dividends 2,000 years later as a tourist attraction, its only success ever. Then we can hunt down and prosecute the vigilante murderers shooting Mexicans and leaving them to die in the desert just for sport in the guise of patriotism. There can be few viler people running around this country today and most of us would prefer a Mexican neighbor to one of these Neanderthals any day of the week.

Then, we can help our neighbor Mexico. Legalize all the drugs that earn the cartels easy fortunes, and that will eliminate the immediate threat of billions pouring into the coffers of murderous gangsters who are hell bent on subverting an entire nation to their own criminal ends. Most people feel legalizing drugs is an insane move that would harm our own nation, but the exact opposite is true. The War on Drugs is an even bigger failure than Prohibition was. While banning booze for a dozen years gave rise to a series of American organized crime gangs that grew wealthy and ever more brazen and murderous as they squabbled over the incredible profits to be had by dealing in illegal substances, we somehow felt that banning recreational drugs would be different. Why? Did we skip that chapter in the history books like we did the one about the Great Wall of China repelling exactly no invaders?

America now has more prisoners per capita than any other nation on earth, well over half of them incarcerated for drug-related offenses, while the most harmful and deadly intoxicant of them all, alcohol, is tolerated, regulated and a steady source of billions of dollars to the local, state and federal governments in the form of taxes. Just as the repeal of Prohibition created no new alcoholics, legalizing drugs will not create a single new junkie. That's not how addiction works. 10% of humanity are potential addicts, 90% are not.10% of Americans consume 90% of the alcoholic beverages sold here. The rest drink moderately and responsibly. Ditto for the drug figures. The domestic production, regulation and taxation of recreational drugs will bring the price down to the levels of a beer or whiskey habit and fatten the governments' treasuries while denying the gangsters and people like the Taliban the opportunity to remove billions of untaxed dollars from the American economy year in and year out, rivaling the drain on our wealth by the petroleum cartels. Can we afford both?

With Mexico having the dagger of the drug cartels removed from its neck, America can help its neighbor with education assistance, foreign aid and incentives to reform a corrupt nation. Having a strong and prosperous neighbor to our south will be in both our interests. Mexico has everything a nation needs to be successful: farmland, seacoasts, oil, minerals, rivers, many beautiful tourist destinations, livestock, timber and the most vital asset of all, a hard working population. The fact that the vast majority of Mexican people have been exploited, impoverished and oppressed by a wealthy ruling elite forever has crippled their chances of becoming a first rate nation on the same continent that boasts two of them. That does not have to continue forever and America can help them change that by openly helping and by exerting unambiguous political and economic pressure on the government of Mexico to radically change.

Is any of this likely? No, no it isn't. There are too many people committed to the status quo to even consider legalizing drugs or engaging Mexico in a completely different way. Too many people view recreational drugs as a moral issue, even though they look the other way on the two biggest killers of Americans, alcohol and tobacco, content to print tiny warning labels on these deadly products (the same tiny labels can be affixed to legally packaged drugs). And they don't even mind that continuing the status quo costs countless lives to violence and prolongs the oppression of our Mexican neighbors that will ensure that they will continue sneaking across the border seeking an honest paycheck. Look for the vigilante rednecks to start investing in speedboats for their human sport hunting.

Don't be shocked that the Taliban will continue to be able to arm themselves with high tech weaponry courtesy of the Afghanistan and Pakistan poppy fields that now produce 90% of the world's heroin. If heroin were legal, it would be ridiculously cheap to produce. Heroin addicts buy it anyway at the current extremely high price, and cocaine addicts continue to send billions to South American gangsters by way of Mexican cartels and smugglers. All of which serves to undermine legitimate nations and stymie their social progress and their agricultural and industrial development, to say nothing of the drain on our own economy. And our nearest neighbor Mexico, always a friend and never hostile to America, is maimed and bleeding while we do nothing. Do we allow Mexico to become Somalia with a population of 110 million on our doorstep? Mr. Obama, tear down this wall!

LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 434

Life is alternately beautiful, ugly, easy, hard, simple, complex, funny, tragic, ideal, frustrating, exciting, boring, joyful and sad. It is well worth hanging on to. All of these experiences make you more alive, more interesting, and stronger and wiser. Don't you want to stick around and see what comes next?

THE 40th ANNIVERSARIES OF WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN

On the twin 40th anniversaries of 2 seminal American events, the Moon Landing and the Woodstock Music & Arts Festival, there's one burning question in the minds of many Americans on how to commemorate these memories: Should we spring for the ruby? That's the traditional 40 Year anniversary gift. Who would we give it to? For the Moon Landing, perhaps Neil Armstrong, the Christopher Columbus of Space? Well, he's become a recluse, refusing to cash in on his fame and denying all requests for an interview. Perhaps he's as disappointed as so many of us that America abandoned the grand adventure of space after his "one small step." Perhaps he thought that the 40th anniversary of landing a man on the moon would be looked back on as the first early milestone of our colonization and exploration of the planets of our solar system as a stepping stone to the stars themselves, just as Christopher Columbus' voyage triggered a roiling flood of humanity flinging themselves headlong into the vast unknown.

Instead the Moon Landing represents the pinnacle of man's achievement in that area of endeavor, just one more Notre Dame cathedral or Great Pyramid in the pantheon of Things We Don't Do Anymore. It's sad, and a rebuke to our human spirit, to say nothing of missing out on another round of world-transforming technology that the original space program provided mankind. Just velcro alone seems to have been worth it, never mind the miniaturization that led to the development of silicon chips, fiber optics, cell phones, personal computers, water recycling apparatus, food preservation methods and the satellite transmissions that shrink and link our world.

The astoundingly rapid transformation that ushered in the Information Age would have taken many decades without the focused and coordinated effort of the Apollo and other huge space programs. In the long run, the money spent was well worth it and has been returned many thousands of times over in benefits to mankind. True, too many military applications were sought by military leaders in both America and Russia, who both desired to build killing platforms full of nuclear weapons in near orbit of earth, but the vast amount of technology to stem from the space race was beneficial to all people for peaceful progress. Even many of the medical breakthroughs made in the ensuing decades were made possible by the fruits of space race technology.

So, who gets the ruby? And while we're talking anniversary presents, it's also Woodstock's 40th. That was when half a million kids converged on Max Yasgur's farm in Bethlehem, New York to hear a year's worth of concerts by the top musical acts of the day in just 3 days of Peace, Love and Music, as it was billed. And that's pretty much what it was, plus torrential rains and a sea of mud. This writer was there, a 16 year old rock & roller who paid $18 dollars for his 3 day ticket and went well-prepared with 2 friends from his band. We had tents, sleeping bags and plenty of food, unlike a lot of people who went for 3 days in the woods as if they needed nothing more than the clothes on their backs. We wound up feeding and sheltering a lot of them but also enjoying a lot of outstanding musical performances, and a couple of stinkers too, truth be told.

We had no idea we were part of any cultural watershed moment in America, we were only there for the music, the broad variety of American popular music available at that time, almost all of them killer acts and quite different from one another. That has gone away today, with music having long since been corporatized, homogenized and pigeonholed by executives who would be just as comfortable marketing appliances as records. Back then the success of Jimi Hendrix did not prompt record company executives to order their minions to go sign another Hendrix. There already was one, and besides, that company might already have had Janis Joplin on their roster, or Sly Stone, Credence Clearwater, The Who, Canned Heat, Richie Havens, Ten Years After, Joan Baez, The Jefferson Airplane, Arlo Gurthrie or Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, none of whom sounded alike.

Today's radio music is segregated racially and demographically and populated by sound-alike and look-alike clones. Even the so called "Indie Bands" are mirror images of one another; mussy-haired, slightly unshaven maladjusted bitchy punks with their generic jangly guitars, horn-rimmed glasses and studied detachment. Where's the passion here, people? Where are the madman geniuses who challenge and harangue, who smash guitars and expectations to smithereens? It's only an envelope, dammit, not a steel box. Take a chance, push it already! What's with all this rocking within the bounds of decorum and decency? It's no wonder kids flocked to hip hop, rap, punk and thrash metal, with few exceptions the only people out there with a pulse and an attitude. For every Neil Young who never cared what anyone thought of where his career path ought to take him, there's a thousand play-it-safers planning their careers as carefully as accountants. And 40 years later it is Mr. Young's unpredictable and ornery muse that follows the more interesting path.

So maybe old Neil should get the ruby? He'd probably tell you to stick it where the sun don't shine along with all the corporate sponsorship offers he has always refused. Like the other Neil, Mr. Armstrong, he keeps his own counsel. Offer Neil Armstrong the ruby and he'd probably tell you to sell it and invest in a real space program with real goals. He has rebuffed NASA's offers to jump on the bandwagon of the 40th anniversary tour and has left millions in endorsement offers on the table without giving them the dignity of a reply. What wouldn't any company in the world pay to have The Christopher Columbus of Space endorse their product? Well, on this twin 40th anniversary let's thank the 2 Neils for reminding us that not everyone and everything in America is for sale. So we won't lament too hard for what might have been. These men show us that it still might be. Here's to integrity, dignity and following your heart, and ignoring the lukewarm and the safe. And the rubies go to... Neil Armstrong and Neil Young! Long May You Run.