The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO) has taken some time out from our exhaustive investigations into the Readily Apparent to share with the public some of the wisdom we have gained from our extensive research. The following are some useful tips for coping with some ordinary but vexing problems that come up so often in so many lives. Below, we have listed a dozen common problems that affect many people, along with suggested solutions. No need to thank DOPOTO, we're just doing our job here:
1.) When a grizzly bear attacks you, play dead. No sense pretending there's going to be a different outcome, so this way you get used to the idea.
2.) On really hot days, a handy way to cool off is to steal a luxury car and ride around with the air conditioning cranked up, enjoying some exotic music on the satellite radio. When you're sufficiently relaxed and cooled off, you can then sell it to a chop shop and buy yourself a really big air conditioner with the proceeds.
3.) It is important to tell your children the truth. When Junior asks in a loud voice "Why is that man so fat?," explain to him gently and patiently that the man is a greedy pig who eats way too much food and is too lazy and stupid to exercise and will die very soon. Eventually he'd have figured that one out for himself so don't let there be any lingering resentments.
4.) The odds of getting rich quick from the real estate programs on TV are slim. The same with all those "build wealth quickly" infomercials and schemes e-mailed to you on the internet by total strangers. If you need some fast cash, go with the tried and true; ski masks, a friend with a pistol, a note to the teller and a reliable getaway route. Sometimes low-tech is the way to go and the learning curve is not all that steep.
5.) When a Mormon comes to your door to try and convert you, immediately start preaching Devil worship to them. Odds are it will be a short encounter and you can get back to watching the Jerry Springer Show episode with the brawling transvestite dwarfs before you missed much of the action.
6.) A good way to protect your home from burglars is to steal decals and warning signs from an established alarm company and display them prominently. No confusing codes to remember and no high monthly bills to pay. One important reminder: Make sure all the signs are from the same company!
7.) If a raccoon is visiting your yard and raiding your garbage cans, don't attempt to capture it, they can be quite dangerous when cornered and many of them carry rabies and other dread diseases. The humane thing to do is kill it quickly with a shotgun, a weapon that doesn't require you to be Annie Oakley in the marksmanship department, so a safe distance can be maintained while you blast that filthy pest into oblivion.
8.) When on a blind date, always pick a restaurant with a side door, preferably an exit located near the rest rooms. After about forty minutes or so, they'll get the hint and be stuck paying for your lobster while you're headed elsewhere to have some fun.
9.) When somebody is engaging in a loud cell phone conversation in an inappropriate place, don't make a scene. Simply pull out a pad and pencil and pretend to be taking detailed notes of their conversation, maybe ask them to repeat their last statement every so often or ask how you spell that word. That should cut the ordeal pretty short.
10.) When your child refuses to eat his vegetables, don't traumatize the little tyke with facts and figures of how many children are starving in this world. Simply pull out the boarding school brochures and watch those greens disappear!
11.) When your neighbor pulls out a few dozen pictures of their grandchildren for your inspection, ask them if they are selling the kids and what's the price. Tell them you know a discreet and reliable black market adoption lawyer and for a small middleman's fee you will take them all off their hands, except of course for that ugly one with the big ears and crossed eyes. You won't be bothered a second time.
12.) When dining on your company's expense account, always order the steak and a bottle of rare, expensive wine. Odds are they're going to ship your job to India or hire some young punk who makes less than you very soon anyway so you might as well enjoy it while it lasts. Bon appetit!
We here at the Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious hope that these tips have been helpful to our readers. We hope from to be able to take some time out from our heavy work load to provide this valuable public service on a regular basis. As the late, great Elvis Presley would often say: "Thangya... thangya verra muhh."
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