CONSUMED WITH WONDER

One can't help but wonder about things great and small. A sampling:

When you're out walking your dog and a talkative neighbor stops you and wastes a lot of your time yakking about nothing in particular, is your dog 7 times more frustrated than you are?

Before Jesus was born, what year was it?

If Egyptians really invented beer, why are they all so slim in their hieroglyphs? You never see any of them with a beer gut. Odd, no? Maybe the paunchy ones had somebody stone-brush their pictures.

I wonder who that fifth dentist is who doesn't agree with the other four. Must be a real obstinate son of a bitch.

How did they test the theory that lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place? I sure wouldn't want to volunteer for that experiment.

When Moses parted the Red Sea, you think it went to his head? I know if it was me who did that, there'd be no living with me for quite some time.

The NRA says guns don't kill people, people kill people. They got that right. People just pick up a gun and blaze away. It usually does the trick. I wonder why they thought that was headline news.

Speaking of guns, what do gangs do in England or other places where guns are scarce? Drive-by slappings? Or how about places where guns and cars are hard to come by? Severe scoldings? It must be quite a trial to be a gangster without a gun or a car.

Now that outlaw biker gangs have been around for a long time, you have to wonder what's the deal with really old bikers. Do they have biker nursing homes or assisted living communities? Maybe with Access-A-Ride motorcycles with side cars to take old Spike to his many doctor appointments? And what about old biker chicks? Those tattoos on their butts and breasts must be pretty elongated by now. "Property of... who?" "Born to... what?" Sort of a disturbing mental picture.

You have to wonder about the insecurity and mental instability of people who kill somebody because that person "disrespected" them. Good thing for everybody that Rodney Dangerfield didn't have a homicidal streak.

If Japan is such a refined and advanced culture of many centuries standing, why do they still build houses with paper walls and eat with sticks?

When you call for tech support and speak to somebody in India, why does the tech person pretend their name is Jimmy or Kathy? If you call a guy in France he'll tell you flat out his name is Gaston, a guy in Israel will tell you he's Yossi and an Englishwoman will tell you her name is Vivian, no problem. If somebody won't even give you their real name, how do we know their technical advice isn't made up too?

In "The Godfather," Vito Corleone advised his son to "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." Well, if memory serves, didn't he get shot and nearly killed by one of those really close enemies? What was he thinking?

Ivory Soap for the past century claims it is 99 and 44/100ths percent pure. After all these years, can't they figure out how to clean up the final 56/100ths of their product? Good thing it's not food or they'd be forced to sell it as pet food or ship it to some Third World country.

Is there a stranger or more maladjusted group of human beings than psychiatrists and psychologists? Perhaps mental illness is contagious after all. What other explanation could there be? Have you heard some of these people's whacky theories about people? Unless of course they were completely nuts to begin with but just savvy enough to become mental health professionals so nobody would lock them up for spouting their off-the-wall ideas.