April 29, 2010
HOW THINGS CHANGE
Used to be, that in order to build a massive fortune, you had to invent something wonderful, create a large productive industry employing many thousands of workers or run a giant criminal cartel. No more. These days, great fortunes are being made by people who have invented nothing, produce nothing and build nothing. How do they make hundreds of millions, if not billions of dollars, then?
Simple. Get into the business of handling other people's money, then take lots and lots of it away from them and keep it. How can this be done without getting sent to jail, you ask? Go to work on Wall Street, create crazy 3 Card Monte schemes involving billions of dollars of other people's money, take a huge piece of the action for yourself and then grab a gigantic bonus for all the mental anguish that gambling induces. It's all perfectly legit, too, or at least, somewhat legal.
Times change, but people don't. There have always been among us who who were annoyed that the greatest fortunes were built up by people who did not set out to make a fortune, but instead were motivated by creating something. They burned to produce cars, aircraft, railroads, a steel industry or better computers chips. Their early lives were studies in struggle, failure and overcoming adversity. They worked endless hours perfecting their dreams and making them realities, and the goods and services their labor provided were invaluable to mankind.
When these people died they left behind not only their large fortunes, but thriving industries employing many thousands of people, transportation grids and a legacy of achievement and the continuing production of high quality products and services. When bankers and other get-rich-quick schemers die, they leave behind only their money, and bad taste in the mouth of the countless victims of their greed.
There will be no towns or high schools named after the money changers, no thriving enterprises bearing their name will continue to produce the fruit of their dreams. Few will mourn their passing and a tangle of trophy wives and children from their various marriages will fight over the money they stole. Other money changers will jockey for the position they held as Thief in Chief, while the real producers and inventors and creators of this world will continue to struggle, to perfect and to provide, and to one day reap the rewards of their innovation and dedication.
Times change, but people don't. The vast majority of people will well remember the Wright Brothers, the Edisons, the Fords and the Gates of this world, but for the life of them won't be able to name a single investment banker who made his fortune as a slimy racketeer in a Brooks Brothers' suit without a drop of the styles and panache of a Capone or a Dillinger. At least those guys knew what business they were in and didn't pretend otherwise.
Simple. Get into the business of handling other people's money, then take lots and lots of it away from them and keep it. How can this be done without getting sent to jail, you ask? Go to work on Wall Street, create crazy 3 Card Monte schemes involving billions of dollars of other people's money, take a huge piece of the action for yourself and then grab a gigantic bonus for all the mental anguish that gambling induces. It's all perfectly legit, too, or at least, somewhat legal.
Times change, but people don't. There have always been among us who who were annoyed that the greatest fortunes were built up by people who did not set out to make a fortune, but instead were motivated by creating something. They burned to produce cars, aircraft, railroads, a steel industry or better computers chips. Their early lives were studies in struggle, failure and overcoming adversity. They worked endless hours perfecting their dreams and making them realities, and the goods and services their labor provided were invaluable to mankind.
When these people died they left behind not only their large fortunes, but thriving industries employing many thousands of people, transportation grids and a legacy of achievement and the continuing production of high quality products and services. When bankers and other get-rich-quick schemers die, they leave behind only their money, and bad taste in the mouth of the countless victims of their greed.
There will be no towns or high schools named after the money changers, no thriving enterprises bearing their name will continue to produce the fruit of their dreams. Few will mourn their passing and a tangle of trophy wives and children from their various marriages will fight over the money they stole. Other money changers will jockey for the position they held as Thief in Chief, while the real producers and inventors and creators of this world will continue to struggle, to perfect and to provide, and to one day reap the rewards of their innovation and dedication.
Times change, but people don't. The vast majority of people will well remember the Wright Brothers, the Edisons, the Fords and the Gates of this world, but for the life of them won't be able to name a single investment banker who made his fortune as a slimy racketeer in a Brooks Brothers' suit without a drop of the styles and panache of a Capone or a Dillinger. At least those guys knew what business they were in and didn't pretend otherwise.
April 28, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 673
Nobody cares all that much when rich people suffer, but most people don't get pleasure from it. It's only other rich people that enjoy it.
SAMMY SCIENCE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU BELIEVE
Sammy Science back in the house, readers, ready to talk science. At least, that's the whole idea of this web forum. I'm the scientist, you're the readers, you write e-mails about science and I answer them as best I can. What I don't know I find out from experts. It's not a new idea and it's not rocket science (That would be my department). This isn't meant to be a debate over the merits of science. Why read a damned science Q&A blog if you don't believe in science? By the way, the science you don't believe in has provided your computer and the Internet, which lets you tell the whole world that you don't believe in science. Maybe logic's not your forte either. If this sounds like you, here's a time saving tip: Don't try to convince science people that science is wrong and you're right. Huge waste of time. You see, science can be proven. Can you? Let's see what's in the inbox.
Dear Sammy Science: What's the deal with that Large Hadron Collider? Who put up the dough to build the thing and why? - Benny Blanco from the Bronx
Dear Benny Blanco from the Bronx: The "deal" with the Large Hadron Collider is to search for the basic laws of science governing all matter. This elusive "Grand Unification Theory" is the holy grail of Physics. By colliding electrons at super high speeds, it will try to replicate conditions immediately following the Big Bang that was the birth of the universe as we know it. It will also seek to confirm theories on the existence of Dark Matter, attempt to reconcile anomalies at the intersection of Quantum Mechanics and the Theory of Relativity, investigate the formation of black holes and address many other complex questions. It was built for pure scientific research by the European Organization For Nuclear Research and funded by hundreds of universities and thousands of scientists and engineers from over 100 nations. It is a valuable tool for observing matter in it's most basic, subatomic form. All in all, a pretty impressive global collaboration working to increase our collective human knowledge in many fields, and learning new stuff is always a good thing.
Dear Sammy Science: What good is science when the Mayans already told us the world will end in 2012? - Bob N. Weaver
Dear Bob N. Weaver: You're an idiot and the world ended for the Mayans a long time ago.
Dear Sammy Science: If our bodies replace every cell every 7 years, why do our bodies age? - Cheri Pye
Dear Cheri Pye: Good question. It's in our genetic code to grow old and die. Our DNA provides the blueprint for who we are, who we will become, what debilitating conditions and diseases we will develop and when we will die, subject, of course, to a million variables. There are accidents, plagues, natural disasters, pollution, exposure to toxins, famine and homicides, for example, that cause many early deaths. We can adversely affect our own life spans by smoking, drinking to excess, eating poorly, and not exercising, or positively affect how long we live by eating right, drinking moderately and regularly exercising, but for the most part some people live to be 99 and some only get 60 or 70 years because of their DNA. The nature of life is birth, growth and eventual death, and humans are no different in this respect than any other life form. Whether or not our recent breakthrough in reading DNA codes can lead us to be able to alter our natural cycle remains to be seen. Since we can't even cure the common cold, that seems doubtful, so if you are preparing for eternal life, expect to be sorely disappointed.
Dear Sammy Science: When we eat, we do not consume human DNA, but plant or animal DNA. How does that become human DNA? - Duke Sullivan
Dear Duke Sullivan: Our bodies break the down organic matter we eat to the molecular level, and the DNA of our meals gets broken down into simple protein which is then converted to human tissue cells with our DNA code embedded therein. Much DNA does, however, survive the digestive process, seeds and other hard tissue for example, and is excreted as waste by our bodies. Even if we were cannibals and did consume human DNA, it would still be broken down by our bodies like any other meal. The old saying, "You are what you eat," which never made much sense in the first place, should really be "you are what your DNA says you are."
Dear Sammy Science: Does science disprove the existence of God? My friend says it only confirms it. What's the truth? - Jack Ofalotte
Dear Jack Ofalotte: Science neither proves nor disproves the existence of God. What science and religion have in common is a search for truth, some solid explanations for the wondrous things we see and experience. Where they part ways, however, is the methods employed to discover these truths. Religion seems content to take things on faith, while science is constantly looking for proof positive. I for one am definitely not one of those scientists who feel that the discovery of scientific explanations precludes the existence of God. My specialty is the heavens, after all, and the unbelievable beauty and complexity of the universe sometimes strikes me as the handiwork of a mind far greater than we can imagine, a God if you will. When engaged in some exciting scientific observations, I feel an elevation of my spirit (a very unscientific term, to be sure) that no amount of scientific jargon about adrenaline levels or other body chemistry can fully explain.
When one looks into the structure of molecules and atoms, you can't help but notice that these invisible building blocks of matter mirror the architecture of star systems, planets, and galaxies. There is a nucleus and orbiting bodies held in just the right balance of gravitational attraction and magnetic repulsion so that each piece remains in it's proper place, so there seems to be an underlying and unifying simplicity to nature that works both on the atomic and the stellar level. Contrary to what many think, scientists are very often awed and humbled by what we learn, and amazed at how much we do not know. For at least this one scientist, there is a God, and his work and his mind are even more wondrous and breathtaking than even the most religious mind can imagine.
Then there's the ability of humans to create art, something no scientist can explain, even if we can identify what side of our brains create that art. The human mind cannot explain a great many things, and in their seeking for answers to the Big Questions, Science and Religion are not incompatible. As well as directing mankind's minds towards something greater than ourselves in order to understand ourselves, they both have a lot of grief to answer for when both have been misapplied. For all the concrete benefits Science and Religion have given mankind, the death and destruction that have been the direct result of both quests powerfully illustrate how very far we have to go before our questions are answered. No doubt the answers will astound us.
Dear Sammy Science: What's the deal with that Large Hadron Collider? Who put up the dough to build the thing and why? - Benny Blanco from the Bronx
Dear Benny Blanco from the Bronx: The "deal" with the Large Hadron Collider is to search for the basic laws of science governing all matter. This elusive "Grand Unification Theory" is the holy grail of Physics. By colliding electrons at super high speeds, it will try to replicate conditions immediately following the Big Bang that was the birth of the universe as we know it. It will also seek to confirm theories on the existence of Dark Matter, attempt to reconcile anomalies at the intersection of Quantum Mechanics and the Theory of Relativity, investigate the formation of black holes and address many other complex questions. It was built for pure scientific research by the European Organization For Nuclear Research and funded by hundreds of universities and thousands of scientists and engineers from over 100 nations. It is a valuable tool for observing matter in it's most basic, subatomic form. All in all, a pretty impressive global collaboration working to increase our collective human knowledge in many fields, and learning new stuff is always a good thing.
Dear Sammy Science: What good is science when the Mayans already told us the world will end in 2012? - Bob N. Weaver
Dear Bob N. Weaver: You're an idiot and the world ended for the Mayans a long time ago.
Dear Sammy Science: If our bodies replace every cell every 7 years, why do our bodies age? - Cheri Pye
Dear Cheri Pye: Good question. It's in our genetic code to grow old and die. Our DNA provides the blueprint for who we are, who we will become, what debilitating conditions and diseases we will develop and when we will die, subject, of course, to a million variables. There are accidents, plagues, natural disasters, pollution, exposure to toxins, famine and homicides, for example, that cause many early deaths. We can adversely affect our own life spans by smoking, drinking to excess, eating poorly, and not exercising, or positively affect how long we live by eating right, drinking moderately and regularly exercising, but for the most part some people live to be 99 and some only get 60 or 70 years because of their DNA. The nature of life is birth, growth and eventual death, and humans are no different in this respect than any other life form. Whether or not our recent breakthrough in reading DNA codes can lead us to be able to alter our natural cycle remains to be seen. Since we can't even cure the common cold, that seems doubtful, so if you are preparing for eternal life, expect to be sorely disappointed.
Dear Sammy Science: When we eat, we do not consume human DNA, but plant or animal DNA. How does that become human DNA? - Duke Sullivan
Dear Duke Sullivan: Our bodies break the down organic matter we eat to the molecular level, and the DNA of our meals gets broken down into simple protein which is then converted to human tissue cells with our DNA code embedded therein. Much DNA does, however, survive the digestive process, seeds and other hard tissue for example, and is excreted as waste by our bodies. Even if we were cannibals and did consume human DNA, it would still be broken down by our bodies like any other meal. The old saying, "You are what you eat," which never made much sense in the first place, should really be "you are what your DNA says you are."
Dear Sammy Science: Does science disprove the existence of God? My friend says it only confirms it. What's the truth? - Jack Ofalotte
Dear Jack Ofalotte: Science neither proves nor disproves the existence of God. What science and religion have in common is a search for truth, some solid explanations for the wondrous things we see and experience. Where they part ways, however, is the methods employed to discover these truths. Religion seems content to take things on faith, while science is constantly looking for proof positive. I for one am definitely not one of those scientists who feel that the discovery of scientific explanations precludes the existence of God. My specialty is the heavens, after all, and the unbelievable beauty and complexity of the universe sometimes strikes me as the handiwork of a mind far greater than we can imagine, a God if you will. When engaged in some exciting scientific observations, I feel an elevation of my spirit (a very unscientific term, to be sure) that no amount of scientific jargon about adrenaline levels or other body chemistry can fully explain.
When one looks into the structure of molecules and atoms, you can't help but notice that these invisible building blocks of matter mirror the architecture of star systems, planets, and galaxies. There is a nucleus and orbiting bodies held in just the right balance of gravitational attraction and magnetic repulsion so that each piece remains in it's proper place, so there seems to be an underlying and unifying simplicity to nature that works both on the atomic and the stellar level. Contrary to what many think, scientists are very often awed and humbled by what we learn, and amazed at how much we do not know. For at least this one scientist, there is a God, and his work and his mind are even more wondrous and breathtaking than even the most religious mind can imagine.
Then there's the ability of humans to create art, something no scientist can explain, even if we can identify what side of our brains create that art. The human mind cannot explain a great many things, and in their seeking for answers to the Big Questions, Science and Religion are not incompatible. As well as directing mankind's minds towards something greater than ourselves in order to understand ourselves, they both have a lot of grief to answer for when both have been misapplied. For all the concrete benefits Science and Religion have given mankind, the death and destruction that have been the direct result of both quests powerfully illustrate how very far we have to go before our questions are answered. No doubt the answers will astound us.
April 27, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 672
Barbers always know when you've been seeing another barber, and they don't like it one bit. Tread carefully.
JIMMY, THE BLOGGING DOG, WATCHES TV
It's me, Jimmy, The Blogging Dog. In the interest of human science, I have been watching TV. Believe me, this wasn't my idea, but one of the scientists who's job it is to study me. They call me the Canine Einstein because I can understand the human language called English. No other dog (at least that anyone knows about) has been able to do this. It started when I was a puppy and tapped out a message to my owner on his computer. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was living in a laboratory communicating up a storm with human scientists, and they even designed a special paw-friendly computer keyboard for me as I outgrew the regular ones.
You see, I'm a rather large mutt, and computer keyboards are built for fingers, of which dogs are in short supply. That's the only way I can express myself to humans. I cannot verbally reply with anything but barking, a language no human has ever understood. As a matter of fact, until I came along, humans understood very little about dogs, which is odd considering the extensive history of interaction and cohabitation between our two species. What began many thousands of years ago as a hunting partnership has evolved into a companionship thing.
Truth is, dogs entered into this relationship only to avoid extermination at human hands like the fate suffered by dire wolves, saber toothed cats and giant long faced bears, to name but a few of the alpha predators that humans decided had to go. Our superior senses of smell, sight and hearing, as well as our claws and fangs, enabled humans to completely eliminate potential rivals. Ask the Neanderthals, if you can find any. Oh, that's right, you can't. Humans killed them all. Given this human trait, we dogs usually do as we're asked, and when the scientists asked me to watch TV for a couple of weeks, well, I complied.
I was relieved to find out that all the TV watching didn't mean they were tired of hooking me up with prime bitches, and these last couple of weeks I've been living what many might consider a dream life for a dog or a human; mating, eating and watching TV. What they were trying to find out I don't know, but they hooked me up with a paw-friendly TV remote and asked me to watch television, and then record my impressions. I'm not really a huge fan of television, but science is science so I went along with them.
I may be a dog genius, but that's only compared to other dogs. The fact is that I'm only about as smart as a fairly dopey human being. Think Larry King or your average Vice President here, so I figured maybe a lot of TV shows would be way over my head. Turns out that wasn't the case at all. Most TV shows seem to be made by human morons for the benefit of other human morons. I still can't figure out the story with reality shows. I never saw any humans behave that way in real life.
The crime shows make me laugh because no one ever knows who did it. Hell, a dog would solve that crime in a flash. We'd smell who done it and that would be that. DNA, Shmee-N-A, a dogs nose doesn't lie. Neither do dogs, by the way, since dogs can tell in a second who's lying. Humans don't have those senses, so they get to lie to each other. Here's a memo: you're not fooling your dog. With the so-called news shows on Cable TV, it's obvious to a dog that these people are either lying or don't know what they're talking about, sometimes both at once.
And that's without even smelling them, which is another dead give away to dogs. See, that's the thing about TV, to a dog it's like radio, or silent movies, since our sense of smell is every bit as essential a sense as our eyes and ears. It's like seeing an opera blindfolded. You can hear it alright, but there's so much going on onstage that adds immeasurably to the experience. Without scent, TV is a bit hard to follow.
There were some shows I liked, like The Jerry Springer Show and Judge Judy, but most of them left me looking forward to a nap. Judge Judy can also tell in a second who's lying, very impressive for a human. The scientists thought I'd want to watch The Discovery Channel or National Geographic, but like I said, I'm The Canine Einstein, not the real one, and only about as smart as John Tesh, maybe, with zero interest in quantum physics or the neural pathways inside my brain. That's their department. I just figure I'm a freak of nature and leave it at that.
I'm still getting more than my share of nookie, and I let the scientists have at me every so often. I try to explain to some of them what it is like to be a dog, and to others I have accurately described conditions and events from the distant past handed down to me by what I call Species Memory, an accumulation of the experiences of a thousand ancestors, some of them quite vivid. You couple that with our powerful inborn instincts and you've got one damned compulsive creature.
Unlike humans, dogs are never at a loss for how to act in any given situation. Somewhere, someone in our lineage went through something similar, and the precedent is set. LIke forever, another drawback to being a dog. We're not huge fans of change and improvisation, which might explain why we're the ones on leashes, and the humans are the ones holding them. No sense lamenting the fate of Dogdom every day. At least we're still around, and this one is siring more whelps than I can count. Which is more than you can say for Saber Toothed Tigers. So, what's the harm in watching a little TV?
You see, I'm a rather large mutt, and computer keyboards are built for fingers, of which dogs are in short supply. That's the only way I can express myself to humans. I cannot verbally reply with anything but barking, a language no human has ever understood. As a matter of fact, until I came along, humans understood very little about dogs, which is odd considering the extensive history of interaction and cohabitation between our two species. What began many thousands of years ago as a hunting partnership has evolved into a companionship thing.
Truth is, dogs entered into this relationship only to avoid extermination at human hands like the fate suffered by dire wolves, saber toothed cats and giant long faced bears, to name but a few of the alpha predators that humans decided had to go. Our superior senses of smell, sight and hearing, as well as our claws and fangs, enabled humans to completely eliminate potential rivals. Ask the Neanderthals, if you can find any. Oh, that's right, you can't. Humans killed them all. Given this human trait, we dogs usually do as we're asked, and when the scientists asked me to watch TV for a couple of weeks, well, I complied.
I was relieved to find out that all the TV watching didn't mean they were tired of hooking me up with prime bitches, and these last couple of weeks I've been living what many might consider a dream life for a dog or a human; mating, eating and watching TV. What they were trying to find out I don't know, but they hooked me up with a paw-friendly TV remote and asked me to watch television, and then record my impressions. I'm not really a huge fan of television, but science is science so I went along with them.
I may be a dog genius, but that's only compared to other dogs. The fact is that I'm only about as smart as a fairly dopey human being. Think Larry King or your average Vice President here, so I figured maybe a lot of TV shows would be way over my head. Turns out that wasn't the case at all. Most TV shows seem to be made by human morons for the benefit of other human morons. I still can't figure out the story with reality shows. I never saw any humans behave that way in real life.
The crime shows make me laugh because no one ever knows who did it. Hell, a dog would solve that crime in a flash. We'd smell who done it and that would be that. DNA, Shmee-N-A, a dogs nose doesn't lie. Neither do dogs, by the way, since dogs can tell in a second who's lying. Humans don't have those senses, so they get to lie to each other. Here's a memo: you're not fooling your dog. With the so-called news shows on Cable TV, it's obvious to a dog that these people are either lying or don't know what they're talking about, sometimes both at once.
And that's without even smelling them, which is another dead give away to dogs. See, that's the thing about TV, to a dog it's like radio, or silent movies, since our sense of smell is every bit as essential a sense as our eyes and ears. It's like seeing an opera blindfolded. You can hear it alright, but there's so much going on onstage that adds immeasurably to the experience. Without scent, TV is a bit hard to follow.
There were some shows I liked, like The Jerry Springer Show and Judge Judy, but most of them left me looking forward to a nap. Judge Judy can also tell in a second who's lying, very impressive for a human. The scientists thought I'd want to watch The Discovery Channel or National Geographic, but like I said, I'm The Canine Einstein, not the real one, and only about as smart as John Tesh, maybe, with zero interest in quantum physics or the neural pathways inside my brain. That's their department. I just figure I'm a freak of nature and leave it at that.
I'm still getting more than my share of nookie, and I let the scientists have at me every so often. I try to explain to some of them what it is like to be a dog, and to others I have accurately described conditions and events from the distant past handed down to me by what I call Species Memory, an accumulation of the experiences of a thousand ancestors, some of them quite vivid. You couple that with our powerful inborn instincts and you've got one damned compulsive creature.
Unlike humans, dogs are never at a loss for how to act in any given situation. Somewhere, someone in our lineage went through something similar, and the precedent is set. LIke forever, another drawback to being a dog. We're not huge fans of change and improvisation, which might explain why we're the ones on leashes, and the humans are the ones holding them. No sense lamenting the fate of Dogdom every day. At least we're still around, and this one is siring more whelps than I can count. Which is more than you can say for Saber Toothed Tigers. So, what's the harm in watching a little TV?
April 24, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 671
Bulls are colorblind. A red cape means nothing to them. What really pisses them off is all those creepy dudes in the funny clothes stabbing them with swords over and over. That would make anyone pretty cranky.
THE PERSONALS, 1450 A.D., and 2010
Today Bobcrespo.com looks at the Personal Ads, a feature of the news media since Johannes Gutenburg completely changed the world with his printing press in 1450. Naturally they carried over into today's printing press, the Internet. Instead of reaching only their hometown newspaper readership, personal ads now go worldwide in seconds. As much as progress and technology have transformed our world, people haven't changed a bit since the 1400s, with the same basic wants and needs. The language may be a little more frank these days, but the message is the same. So, as a service to our brilliant and erudite readers, we give you the fruit of exhaustive research and compare the Personal Ads in 1450 to a typical selection of today's Personals.
1450: For barter, one ox w/yoke and plough, and two indentured servants. Will trade for horse, sturdy cart and comely serving wench. Reply: Asgard the Weary
2010: Mail order wives! Asian! Pacific Rim! They look like teenagers! Reply: Yes, I do!, Incorporated.
1450: Important baron with landed estate and castle seeks mistress. Home, clothing, jewelry and expenses. Reply: Your Worship
2010: CEO seeking female companionship. Opportunity for advancement to trophy wife with generous Pre-Nup. Serious inquiries only. Reply: Mr. Leach
1450: Honest tradesman seeking stout wife to bear many children, farm a small plot, take care of the livestock and keep house in order. Reply: Jarvis.
2010: Married celebrity grease monkey seeks tattooed Nazi Dominatrix. Discretion a must. Reply: J.J.
1450: Lonely widow seeking older gentleman for companionship. Reply: Miss Ophelia Bunsworthy
2010: Sexy cougar wants to scratch your back, Pop! Reply: Tess Tosterone
1450: Professional minstrel seeking jester for rewarding partnership in musical theatre. Reply: Geoffrey
2010: Gay man seeks life partner. Reply: Jeff.
1450: Help wanted: Shoppe Assistant: duties include tending the fire, taking care of customers, cleaning up, deliveries, loading and unloading wagons and cooking meals. Compensation: A cot and a brazier in the shed, Christmas Day off. Reply: Heywood Hugh Dewmee, Proprietor.
2010: Join the Walmart Team! Reply: Take it or leave it.
1450: Situation Wanted: Wet nurse: I am the mother of seven children, three of whom survived, and can be of service to a lady, if you please, whose child needs a mother's milk. Reply: Mrs. Lillian Belvedere.
2010: Situation Wanted: Surrogate Mom available. Much experience and a proven success. Reply: Nadya.
1450: Poor orphan seeks shelter with anyone. Will do anything for whatever food you can spare, a pile of straw to sleep on, and a thin blanket. Reply: Tom
2010: Adopt a Haitian child today. Paperwork, shmaperwork! They're better off doing your housework than starving. Reply: Waifs R Us.
1450: Situation available: Thatched cottage, small barn, plough, livestock and farmlands belonging to the Duke. Former tenants too old to farm. Move right in and get to keep 10% of what you produce. Several openings for strong Serf couples with many healthy children. Reply: HIs Lordship.
2010: Home Foreclosure Bonanza! Thousands of homes at reduced prices with favorable variable rates! Reply: House Vulture, Inc.
1450: Matchmaker Service Available: many years experience. Will negotiate dowry even for spinsters as old as 17 or 18, or marry off even your dullest lads! Reply: Maids and Swains, Ltd.
2010: Meet your Soul mate at E-Hormones.com! Guaranteed to get even antisocial misfits laid! Skip all that tedious and time-consuming meeting and greeting and dating. Cut right to the chase! Reply: Lazy Lover.com
1450: Barber-Surgeaon available. Haircuts, amputations, bleeding, leech treatments, carbuncle lancing, ill humours banished. Reply: Doctor Gustav
2010: Breast implants, penis enhancement, lipo-suction and Botox treatments. Be all that you can be, and then some! Reply: Dr. Luke Goode
1450: Help wanted: Literate person needed to write newspaper articles of general interest to the public, to transcribe the king's edicts and comment on polite society. Reply: The Gutenburg Tattler
2010: Help Wanted: Web Wizards, Red Carpet Vultures, Entertainment Reporters and Ambush Video crew needed for startup Celebrity/Twitter/Gossip/Scandal site. Reply: sheezaho.com
1450: For barter, one ox w/yoke and plough, and two indentured servants. Will trade for horse, sturdy cart and comely serving wench. Reply: Asgard the Weary
2010: Mail order wives! Asian! Pacific Rim! They look like teenagers! Reply: Yes, I do!, Incorporated.
1450: Important baron with landed estate and castle seeks mistress. Home, clothing, jewelry and expenses. Reply: Your Worship
2010: CEO seeking female companionship. Opportunity for advancement to trophy wife with generous Pre-Nup. Serious inquiries only. Reply: Mr. Leach
1450: Honest tradesman seeking stout wife to bear many children, farm a small plot, take care of the livestock and keep house in order. Reply: Jarvis.
2010: Married celebrity grease monkey seeks tattooed Nazi Dominatrix. Discretion a must. Reply: J.J.
1450: Lonely widow seeking older gentleman for companionship. Reply: Miss Ophelia Bunsworthy
2010: Sexy cougar wants to scratch your back, Pop! Reply: Tess Tosterone
1450: Professional minstrel seeking jester for rewarding partnership in musical theatre. Reply: Geoffrey
2010: Gay man seeks life partner. Reply: Jeff.
1450: Help wanted: Shoppe Assistant: duties include tending the fire, taking care of customers, cleaning up, deliveries, loading and unloading wagons and cooking meals. Compensation: A cot and a brazier in the shed, Christmas Day off. Reply: Heywood Hugh Dewmee, Proprietor.
2010: Join the Walmart Team! Reply: Take it or leave it.
1450: Situation Wanted: Wet nurse: I am the mother of seven children, three of whom survived, and can be of service to a lady, if you please, whose child needs a mother's milk. Reply: Mrs. Lillian Belvedere.
2010: Situation Wanted: Surrogate Mom available. Much experience and a proven success. Reply: Nadya.
1450: Poor orphan seeks shelter with anyone. Will do anything for whatever food you can spare, a pile of straw to sleep on, and a thin blanket. Reply: Tom
2010: Adopt a Haitian child today. Paperwork, shmaperwork! They're better off doing your housework than starving. Reply: Waifs R Us.
1450: Situation available: Thatched cottage, small barn, plough, livestock and farmlands belonging to the Duke. Former tenants too old to farm. Move right in and get to keep 10% of what you produce. Several openings for strong Serf couples with many healthy children. Reply: HIs Lordship.
2010: Home Foreclosure Bonanza! Thousands of homes at reduced prices with favorable variable rates! Reply: House Vulture, Inc.
1450: Matchmaker Service Available: many years experience. Will negotiate dowry even for spinsters as old as 17 or 18, or marry off even your dullest lads! Reply: Maids and Swains, Ltd.
2010: Meet your Soul mate at E-Hormones.com! Guaranteed to get even antisocial misfits laid! Skip all that tedious and time-consuming meeting and greeting and dating. Cut right to the chase! Reply: Lazy Lover.com
1450: Barber-Surgeaon available. Haircuts, amputations, bleeding, leech treatments, carbuncle lancing, ill humours banished. Reply: Doctor Gustav
2010: Breast implants, penis enhancement, lipo-suction and Botox treatments. Be all that you can be, and then some! Reply: Dr. Luke Goode
1450: Help wanted: Literate person needed to write newspaper articles of general interest to the public, to transcribe the king's edicts and comment on polite society. Reply: The Gutenburg Tattler
2010: Help Wanted: Web Wizards, Red Carpet Vultures, Entertainment Reporters and Ambush Video crew needed for startup Celebrity/Twitter/Gossip/Scandal site. Reply: sheezaho.com
April 21, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 670
Possibly the worst advice ever is to keep your nose to the grindstone. That's got to hurt like hell.
DOPOTO REPORTS: HEDGE FUND THUGS AND OTHER SCAMS
The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO) has been, like the rest of the world, following the disturbing events in recent years in the financial industries. Senior analysts and researchers here at The Department have been busy attempting to perform our only function, noticing what is as plain as day, but our efforts have been severely hampered by an industry that has over the past 50 years turned a very straightforward business, the relatively simple math of managing other people's money, into a complex labyrinth of get-rich-quick schemes, over-under Las Vegas-style wagers and P.T Barnum scams.
For most of history, banks and investment houses were run by careful, somewhat dull and unimaginative men, exactly the sort of person you want to be in charge of everyone's money. They invented nothing, manufactured nothing and took no wild risks with money that did not belong to them. Bankers just weren't that sort. Their banks were safe repositories for the hard-earned money of people and corporations, and cautious lenders of money to individuals and businesses.
Investment firms invested their clients' money in companies that actually produced tangible goods and services. Brokerage houses rated the financial reliability of publicly held companies, rendering an honest assessment of their performance, then traded their stocks based on these realistic evaluations. Insurance companies offered protection to companies and individuals against unforeseen calamities and natural disasters.
These various businesses in the financial sector rarely overlapped, since that would be akin to a manufacturer of bicycles dabbling in real estate or medical supplies, businesses that were not their area of expertise and a potential conflict of interest. The people who ran these companies made very good salaries, and were considered wealthy. Not Henry Ford or Andrew Carnegie wealthy, men who founded gigantic industries employing many thousands of workers who manufactured hugely successful products, but very prosperous.
America in the early 20th Century was building the strongest economy the world had ever seen, but in 1929 the vast amounts of unsupervised available money proved too strong a temptation to unscrupulous stock market traders. They gambled recklessly with other people's money, falsely inflated the value of stocks and purchased princely fortunes in stock for a tiny down payment, then sold them as if as if they owned them outright. Then one day someone asked one of these swells to pay up, so he asked the guy who owed him to pay up and that guy to look up the guy who owed him big tim, and so forth on down the line.
Turned out none of them could pay the piper. Next stop: The Great Depression, when nobody had money anymore. When this game of Russian Roulette blew up in everybody's face in 1929, the worldwide economy collapsed for a dozen years and was a huge contributing factor to to the events that led to the global catastrophe that was World War 2.
President Roosevelt was forced to reign in the financial industry, passing stiff laws and creating government regulatory agencies to enforce these laws. Like any regulations, they were made for their time and the available technology of the day, and sooner or later became outmoded and easily circumvented. New schemes like Hedge Funds were invented, risky gambles whereby multibillion dollar wagers are placed regarding the performance of the economy as a whole or targeted industries, wagers often at odds with the interests of their own country.
One such private Hedge Fund was granted access to Goldman Sachs' private files of mortgages and allowed to assemble a portfolio designed to fail. Goldman Sachs them sold them to their investors as the best thing since Double Stuff Oreos, trading on their good name to peddle crap. Then the Hedge Fund guy bet then against the fund and made a billion dollars in a single transaction. Goldman Sachs also bet against their own product, cleaning up while their loyal customers tanked. If this sounds criminal, well, it almost is, and a civil judge and jury will soon decide one way or the next.
These questionable enterprises earn the managers of Hedge Funds billions a year for producing exactly nothing. Billions in capital that was formerly available to invest in the actual manufacture and sale of real goods was now off the market. This vital seed money of industrial capitalism was being used solely as chips in a huge poker game, changing hands repeatedly like a game of Hot Potato, except that every hand takes a little chunk out for profit until there is no more potato, hot or otherwise.
The Derivatives Market, once a financial tool to protect farmers from the vagaries of Mother Nature, became another popular high stakes game, and insider manipulation of information and widespread falsification of values made it a house of cards waiting for slight breeze, just like all the other financial outfits. In 2008 the wind blew hard and it was like the Big Bad Wolf huffing and puffing at the straw house. Someone had to pay for the damage, and it wasn't the Little Piggies. It was the customers of the various financial companies, and the Federal Government, which basically means everybody pays for their greed.
Bank customers lost the interest-earning capacity for individual checking accounts and saw the interest on their savings accounts slashed from an average of 5.4% to around 1.5%, while the executives who robbed them awarded themselves kings ransoms in bonuses from their customers' money. Checking accounts now cost money to maintain, and banks entice customers who want to earn their accustomed 5% on their savings to invest in questionable new ventures like Money Market accounts and other financial products that they made up out of thin air for the sole purpose of generating large profits for themselves, whether their customers make a small profit or lose their shirts.
In this way even more money that was meant to be used to invest in products, infrastructure and services, and the society-sustaining jobs these products provide, was unavailable. It was tied up in what were basically multibillion dollar Three Card Monte games, where the sucker always loses to the sleight of hand artist. The profits and tax revenues that manufacturing and a gainfully employed work force generates disappeared into the maw of greed. Bank customers and small investors took it on faith that these long-established and reputable financial companies were looking out for them, when in fact they were actively sucking them dry and building vast fortunes without having produced a thing.
Every billion dollar fortune thus amassed represents thousands and thousands of individual workers who cannot get a job, provide for their families, pay their mortgages or contribute taxes to their nation. Society as a whole suffered for the greed of a relative handful of ambitious thieves. The careful, unimaginative and ethical people who used to run the financial industries were replaced by greedy thugs.
To point out the painfully obvious (our specialty), money has always been a powerful temptation for people. If it was not, there would be no such things as bank vaults or security cameras trained on the cash register at every convenience store. Passing laws to regulate the handling of everybody's money is simply an acknowledgment of the obvious, that human frailty exists. Somehow we have allowed our financial industries to generate over 40% of business profits in America, profits that reflect no production whatsoever. This figure used to be less than 156% of total business profits.
These businesses have become magnets to polished gangsters, thieves and scam artists, sucking available capital from the marketplace into the bank accounts of the very few at the expense of the very many. Passing laws against criminal activity is in the best interests of any society, and safeguarding the money supply from predators seems to be a minimal standard. Analysts at DOPOTO, while frustrated at the ability of financial charlatans to defy obvious description, have concluded that security cameras on the overflowing cash registers of Wall Street might not be a bad idea.
This was a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious.
For most of history, banks and investment houses were run by careful, somewhat dull and unimaginative men, exactly the sort of person you want to be in charge of everyone's money. They invented nothing, manufactured nothing and took no wild risks with money that did not belong to them. Bankers just weren't that sort. Their banks were safe repositories for the hard-earned money of people and corporations, and cautious lenders of money to individuals and businesses.
Investment firms invested their clients' money in companies that actually produced tangible goods and services. Brokerage houses rated the financial reliability of publicly held companies, rendering an honest assessment of their performance, then traded their stocks based on these realistic evaluations. Insurance companies offered protection to companies and individuals against unforeseen calamities and natural disasters.
These various businesses in the financial sector rarely overlapped, since that would be akin to a manufacturer of bicycles dabbling in real estate or medical supplies, businesses that were not their area of expertise and a potential conflict of interest. The people who ran these companies made very good salaries, and were considered wealthy. Not Henry Ford or Andrew Carnegie wealthy, men who founded gigantic industries employing many thousands of workers who manufactured hugely successful products, but very prosperous.
America in the early 20th Century was building the strongest economy the world had ever seen, but in 1929 the vast amounts of unsupervised available money proved too strong a temptation to unscrupulous stock market traders. They gambled recklessly with other people's money, falsely inflated the value of stocks and purchased princely fortunes in stock for a tiny down payment, then sold them as if as if they owned them outright. Then one day someone asked one of these swells to pay up, so he asked the guy who owed him to pay up and that guy to look up the guy who owed him big tim, and so forth on down the line.
Turned out none of them could pay the piper. Next stop: The Great Depression, when nobody had money anymore. When this game of Russian Roulette blew up in everybody's face in 1929, the worldwide economy collapsed for a dozen years and was a huge contributing factor to to the events that led to the global catastrophe that was World War 2.
President Roosevelt was forced to reign in the financial industry, passing stiff laws and creating government regulatory agencies to enforce these laws. Like any regulations, they were made for their time and the available technology of the day, and sooner or later became outmoded and easily circumvented. New schemes like Hedge Funds were invented, risky gambles whereby multibillion dollar wagers are placed regarding the performance of the economy as a whole or targeted industries, wagers often at odds with the interests of their own country.
One such private Hedge Fund was granted access to Goldman Sachs' private files of mortgages and allowed to assemble a portfolio designed to fail. Goldman Sachs them sold them to their investors as the best thing since Double Stuff Oreos, trading on their good name to peddle crap. Then the Hedge Fund guy bet then against the fund and made a billion dollars in a single transaction. Goldman Sachs also bet against their own product, cleaning up while their loyal customers tanked. If this sounds criminal, well, it almost is, and a civil judge and jury will soon decide one way or the next.
These questionable enterprises earn the managers of Hedge Funds billions a year for producing exactly nothing. Billions in capital that was formerly available to invest in the actual manufacture and sale of real goods was now off the market. This vital seed money of industrial capitalism was being used solely as chips in a huge poker game, changing hands repeatedly like a game of Hot Potato, except that every hand takes a little chunk out for profit until there is no more potato, hot or otherwise.
The Derivatives Market, once a financial tool to protect farmers from the vagaries of Mother Nature, became another popular high stakes game, and insider manipulation of information and widespread falsification of values made it a house of cards waiting for slight breeze, just like all the other financial outfits. In 2008 the wind blew hard and it was like the Big Bad Wolf huffing and puffing at the straw house. Someone had to pay for the damage, and it wasn't the Little Piggies. It was the customers of the various financial companies, and the Federal Government, which basically means everybody pays for their greed.
Bank customers lost the interest-earning capacity for individual checking accounts and saw the interest on their savings accounts slashed from an average of 5.4% to around 1.5%, while the executives who robbed them awarded themselves kings ransoms in bonuses from their customers' money. Checking accounts now cost money to maintain, and banks entice customers who want to earn their accustomed 5% on their savings to invest in questionable new ventures like Money Market accounts and other financial products that they made up out of thin air for the sole purpose of generating large profits for themselves, whether their customers make a small profit or lose their shirts.
In this way even more money that was meant to be used to invest in products, infrastructure and services, and the society-sustaining jobs these products provide, was unavailable. It was tied up in what were basically multibillion dollar Three Card Monte games, where the sucker always loses to the sleight of hand artist. The profits and tax revenues that manufacturing and a gainfully employed work force generates disappeared into the maw of greed. Bank customers and small investors took it on faith that these long-established and reputable financial companies were looking out for them, when in fact they were actively sucking them dry and building vast fortunes without having produced a thing.
Every billion dollar fortune thus amassed represents thousands and thousands of individual workers who cannot get a job, provide for their families, pay their mortgages or contribute taxes to their nation. Society as a whole suffered for the greed of a relative handful of ambitious thieves. The careful, unimaginative and ethical people who used to run the financial industries were replaced by greedy thugs.
To point out the painfully obvious (our specialty), money has always been a powerful temptation for people. If it was not, there would be no such things as bank vaults or security cameras trained on the cash register at every convenience store. Passing laws to regulate the handling of everybody's money is simply an acknowledgment of the obvious, that human frailty exists. Somehow we have allowed our financial industries to generate over 40% of business profits in America, profits that reflect no production whatsoever. This figure used to be less than 156% of total business profits.
These businesses have become magnets to polished gangsters, thieves and scam artists, sucking available capital from the marketplace into the bank accounts of the very few at the expense of the very many. Passing laws against criminal activity is in the best interests of any society, and safeguarding the money supply from predators seems to be a minimal standard. Analysts at DOPOTO, while frustrated at the ability of financial charlatans to defy obvious description, have concluded that security cameras on the overflowing cash registers of Wall Street might not be a bad idea.
This was a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious.
April 19, 2010
WHAT ELSE DO YOU DO WITH BANK ROBBERS?
So now the mayor of our town, Little Mikie Bloomberg, the diminutive Wall Street billionaire who purchased 3 terms as Mayor of New York City, is crying the blues over the Federal Government's push to regulate the financial industry, which is mostly headquartered in Manhattan. He didn't mention going easy on guys who rob banks with ski masks and shotguns, figuring they're just small time nuisances, but wants the BIg Dogs of bank robbery, the bankers themselves, to remain unchained to they can continue to steal the teeth out of our heads.
Not that President Obama, to the great disappointment of almost everybody, plans criminal prosecutions of these bastards for the Greed Fest of 2008 that cost America trillions of dollars and a nearly ruined our economy. He simply wants to regulate the industry to make sure they can't do it again, which is exactly what they are doing as we speak. To soften up the opposition for this effort, the Justice Department has filed a civil suit against the biggest of the Big Dog bank robbers, Goldman Sachs, for committing fraud against their investors. It's an open and shut case, with the head honchos' fingerprints all over their multibillion dollar scam. This is what has Little Mikie so upset. These are his buddies.
There was a time in America when bank robbers were hunted down and put in jail for long stretches, or worse. Ask Willie Sutton. Ask the bullet-ridden corpses of Bonnie and Clyde, John Dillinger and Pretty Boy Floyd. What makes these executives any different from them? They stole billions, even trillions, not the chump change these Depression era outlaw took. Why is Bernie Madoff the only Big Dog in jail? Why are any of these unindicted coconspirators still in their jobs? And why is the Mayor of New York City defending their larcenous asses? What's he got to hide? Maybe the Feds should find out.
Little Mikie says that if we put rules on the behavior of the financial industry they will leave New York. For where? Where is a place anywhere on the planet without rules, laws and regulations? Somalia, maybe. The rules the government wants to impose will be binding in all 50 states. Where are they doing to go, Wyoming? No one reading this lives in a world without rules and regulations. The laws in America apply to everyone, even if you are filthy rich. They can't kill an inconvenient spouse, park next to a fire hydrant or rob a bank without incurring the requisite penalties, same as everyone.
It's time to put these guys on trial and throw the guilty in jail. What else do you do with bank robbers? And when it comes time to sentence them, what judge will show them leniency when they were already very wealthy but decided to steal anyway? Let them call Little Mikey to be their character witnesses if they like. That ought to impress exactly no one. Bloomberg needs to shut his mouth about these lawbreaking bastards. All the money in the world passes through Manhattan. Why let a thousand Willie Suttons in Brooks Brothers run this show? There's a new sheriff in town and it's about time he cleans up Dodge. Go get 'em, Obama, and never mind the civil suits. These people are lowlife criminals no different from your garden variety mugger and burglar. Fuck' em.
Not that President Obama, to the great disappointment of almost everybody, plans criminal prosecutions of these bastards for the Greed Fest of 2008 that cost America trillions of dollars and a nearly ruined our economy. He simply wants to regulate the industry to make sure they can't do it again, which is exactly what they are doing as we speak. To soften up the opposition for this effort, the Justice Department has filed a civil suit against the biggest of the Big Dog bank robbers, Goldman Sachs, for committing fraud against their investors. It's an open and shut case, with the head honchos' fingerprints all over their multibillion dollar scam. This is what has Little Mikie so upset. These are his buddies.
There was a time in America when bank robbers were hunted down and put in jail for long stretches, or worse. Ask Willie Sutton. Ask the bullet-ridden corpses of Bonnie and Clyde, John Dillinger and Pretty Boy Floyd. What makes these executives any different from them? They stole billions, even trillions, not the chump change these Depression era outlaw took. Why is Bernie Madoff the only Big Dog in jail? Why are any of these unindicted coconspirators still in their jobs? And why is the Mayor of New York City defending their larcenous asses? What's he got to hide? Maybe the Feds should find out.
Little Mikie says that if we put rules on the behavior of the financial industry they will leave New York. For where? Where is a place anywhere on the planet without rules, laws and regulations? Somalia, maybe. The rules the government wants to impose will be binding in all 50 states. Where are they doing to go, Wyoming? No one reading this lives in a world without rules and regulations. The laws in America apply to everyone, even if you are filthy rich. They can't kill an inconvenient spouse, park next to a fire hydrant or rob a bank without incurring the requisite penalties, same as everyone.
It's time to put these guys on trial and throw the guilty in jail. What else do you do with bank robbers? And when it comes time to sentence them, what judge will show them leniency when they were already very wealthy but decided to steal anyway? Let them call Little Mikey to be their character witnesses if they like. That ought to impress exactly no one. Bloomberg needs to shut his mouth about these lawbreaking bastards. All the money in the world passes through Manhattan. Why let a thousand Willie Suttons in Brooks Brothers run this show? There's a new sheriff in town and it's about time he cleans up Dodge. Go get 'em, Obama, and never mind the civil suits. These people are lowlife criminals no different from your garden variety mugger and burglar. Fuck' em.
April 16, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 668
If you have no stories to tell, no scars to show and no regrets, odds are you haven't been paying attention. The idea is not to play it safe and hope for the best, but to dive in face first and have a ball.
MARS? NOW WE'RE TALKING!
President Obama announced that the United States will send people to Mars by the mid-2030s. About time, too. Who knew it would take so long to get to Mars when we sent a bunch of guys to the Moon 40 years ago? Many of us figured we'd be vacationing on the Moon by now, with the more adventurous among us camping out on Venus with the whole family in their Winnebago spaceship. Turns out that wasn't the case.
The space program sort of petered out in the 1970s, with the emphasis switched to the Space Shuttles, basically flying trucks that hauled Cable TV satellites, space station components and other cargo into orbit. Not that the space stations are any great shakes; small utilitarian affairs for conducting science experiments. The most exciting thing we've put into orbit has been the Hubbel Space Telescope, which constantly provides us with amazing photographs of the beauty and wonder of the universe that we were missing out on by suspending our exploration of space.
Well, we're on it again, with the good old US of A taking bold steps to lead the way to the stars. While all this heavy rocketry is expensive and complicated and many people claim we can never find suitable planets to inhabit, we are reminded that Christopher Columbus had to listen to the wet blankets of his day when he planned to sail past the point where popular wisdom said his ships would fall off the end of the earth into... well, no one knew exactly into where he would fall, into Hell maybe, bur the consensus was that he was doomed.
Columbus was the sort of person who figured mankind was doomed only when we stopped asking what was on the other side. He figured it might as well be him that finds out what's over there, so he convinced the Queen of Spain to bankroll his adventure. Her gamble on this "madman" paid off pretty well for Spain, what with them being as brutal and greedy a set of conquerors as ever lived. Before you could say Manifest Destiny the New World was lousy with Europeans planting flags in someone else's backyard and claiming it in the name of their king.
By and by we filled up all the available real estate here on Earth, with 192 different flags planted in our various countries these days. Along the way we learned to fly, so we set our sights on the sky, and into space. We orbited the Earth, then sent guys to the Moon, and in the process benefitted all of humanity with the gadgets we had to invent for the space program. While some of us feel that Velcro and Tang were pretty nifty inventions, it was the miniaturization required for space flight that really made our day.
Things like silicon chips, fiber optics and automatic navigation led to personal computers, cell phones and the Internet, to mention only the big ticket items. There's thousands more that were the direct result of space exploration. It was like the Spanish conquest of the New World, getting showered with gold, only without all that messy slaughter and culture annihilation. Now that we've had thirty-something years to catch our breath and apply this technology on Earth, we're ready to explore again.
Who knows what we'll invent this time, or what we'll find on other planets or asteroids that will benefit all of us? Mars isn't around the corner like our Moon. It's 35 to 36 million miles away, depending on the time of year, not exactly a day trip. The astronauts who fly to Mars will spend months aboard their spacecraft. The first trip there may not even see them landing on the planet itself, merely orbiting, taking photographs and scouting locations for future landings and settlements.
But land we will, eventually. We now know there's water on Mars. There are scientists who claim we can create an oxygen-rich atmosphere there by planting moss and other simple plants, then upgrading to more complex plants and over the course of a hundred years or so, voila, a breathable atmosphere. Until then it will be sealed suits and climate-controled buildings for the hardy souls who choose to live and work on Mars.
There will be other adjustments for humans to make. While the Martian day is almost identical to ours at 24 hours and 37 minutes, their year is twice as long, so the 4 seasons that Mars also has in common with Earth will each be longer, although not uniform in length. Mars is roughly half the size of Earth with a smaller mass, so the pull of gravity is only 38% of what we are used to. The long-term effect of light gravity on human health is yet another unknown that will have to be dealt with. None of these hardships and challenges will deter adventurous people from lining up around the block for a chance to go to Mars.
Visible to the naked eye, the Red Planet has called to humans for eons, even more so than our "sister planet" Venus. A thousand stories have been concocted about Mars, and scientists have been drooling over the place for as long as there have been scientists. Now that we finally have the ability go there, we might as well. Mars, like the Moon before it, is merely another baby step when it comes to exploring the greater galaxy beyond our Solar System and the bazillion stars out there and, as we are finding out, a ton of planets. There's got to be at least a few that will support human life. About time we got started.
The space program sort of petered out in the 1970s, with the emphasis switched to the Space Shuttles, basically flying trucks that hauled Cable TV satellites, space station components and other cargo into orbit. Not that the space stations are any great shakes; small utilitarian affairs for conducting science experiments. The most exciting thing we've put into orbit has been the Hubbel Space Telescope, which constantly provides us with amazing photographs of the beauty and wonder of the universe that we were missing out on by suspending our exploration of space.
Well, we're on it again, with the good old US of A taking bold steps to lead the way to the stars. While all this heavy rocketry is expensive and complicated and many people claim we can never find suitable planets to inhabit, we are reminded that Christopher Columbus had to listen to the wet blankets of his day when he planned to sail past the point where popular wisdom said his ships would fall off the end of the earth into... well, no one knew exactly into where he would fall, into Hell maybe, bur the consensus was that he was doomed.
Columbus was the sort of person who figured mankind was doomed only when we stopped asking what was on the other side. He figured it might as well be him that finds out what's over there, so he convinced the Queen of Spain to bankroll his adventure. Her gamble on this "madman" paid off pretty well for Spain, what with them being as brutal and greedy a set of conquerors as ever lived. Before you could say Manifest Destiny the New World was lousy with Europeans planting flags in someone else's backyard and claiming it in the name of their king.
By and by we filled up all the available real estate here on Earth, with 192 different flags planted in our various countries these days. Along the way we learned to fly, so we set our sights on the sky, and into space. We orbited the Earth, then sent guys to the Moon, and in the process benefitted all of humanity with the gadgets we had to invent for the space program. While some of us feel that Velcro and Tang were pretty nifty inventions, it was the miniaturization required for space flight that really made our day.
Things like silicon chips, fiber optics and automatic navigation led to personal computers, cell phones and the Internet, to mention only the big ticket items. There's thousands more that were the direct result of space exploration. It was like the Spanish conquest of the New World, getting showered with gold, only without all that messy slaughter and culture annihilation. Now that we've had thirty-something years to catch our breath and apply this technology on Earth, we're ready to explore again.
Who knows what we'll invent this time, or what we'll find on other planets or asteroids that will benefit all of us? Mars isn't around the corner like our Moon. It's 35 to 36 million miles away, depending on the time of year, not exactly a day trip. The astronauts who fly to Mars will spend months aboard their spacecraft. The first trip there may not even see them landing on the planet itself, merely orbiting, taking photographs and scouting locations for future landings and settlements.
But land we will, eventually. We now know there's water on Mars. There are scientists who claim we can create an oxygen-rich atmosphere there by planting moss and other simple plants, then upgrading to more complex plants and over the course of a hundred years or so, voila, a breathable atmosphere. Until then it will be sealed suits and climate-controled buildings for the hardy souls who choose to live and work on Mars.
There will be other adjustments for humans to make. While the Martian day is almost identical to ours at 24 hours and 37 minutes, their year is twice as long, so the 4 seasons that Mars also has in common with Earth will each be longer, although not uniform in length. Mars is roughly half the size of Earth with a smaller mass, so the pull of gravity is only 38% of what we are used to. The long-term effect of light gravity on human health is yet another unknown that will have to be dealt with. None of these hardships and challenges will deter adventurous people from lining up around the block for a chance to go to Mars.
Visible to the naked eye, the Red Planet has called to humans for eons, even more so than our "sister planet" Venus. A thousand stories have been concocted about Mars, and scientists have been drooling over the place for as long as there have been scientists. Now that we finally have the ability go there, we might as well. Mars, like the Moon before it, is merely another baby step when it comes to exploring the greater galaxy beyond our Solar System and the bazillion stars out there and, as we are finding out, a ton of planets. There's got to be at least a few that will support human life. About time we got started.
April 15, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PARTY 667
Forget that nonsense about focused minds and serene clarity. You're a human being and that's not happening. Whoever offers you that has something expensive they're selling. Focus on that and you'll be fine.
TEA PARTY ANIMALS. THEY USED TO SMOKE POT TOO
Seems like a lot of Baby Boomers are showing the ill effects of all that LSD they swallowed back in the 1960s and '70s. When they were young and had nothing but sandals and weed, they were all peace, love and rock & roll, and a lot of them stayed sober long enough to help finally get America out of the tragic and futile Vietnam War. Fast forward forty years and a lot of Boomers have stuff now, houses and boats and kids and grandkids and jacuzzis and the like. Now it's okay with a lot of these former peace marchers ("Hell no, we won't go!") to have this country go to war at the drop of a hat. Now that they're too old to go to war, that is, and there is no military draft to take their sons.
Somewhere somehow a lot of of bitterness infected the Love Generation and many have turned against everything they used to stand for. So much for all that brotherhood, peace and understanding jive. Now it's all "I got mine. Fuck everybody else!" At the first sign of disagreement between America and some crummy little country somewhere, we're not always sure exactly where, there's all sorts of formerly reasonable people screaming for war. All of a sudden it's bye bye Peace Corps, hello Marine Corps.
What kind of bullshit is that? Our military people love this country so much they'd run through hailstorms of bullets for us, and they do it all the time. Why do we treat that commitment so lightly and waste their lives in places that are no threat to America? These people have pledged to give their friggin' lives in defense of their country if necessary. That's asking a hell of a lot of anyone and is not an oath to be regarded lightly. How many of us risk death and dismemberment for a living? We need to respect that a hell of a lot more than we do, and put them in harm's way only as the very last resort.
Eisenhower's prediction of the "undue influence" of the Military Industrial Complex has come true in spades and the Boomers are silent about it. America spends more on our military than the rest of the world combined, and we can't even get a national health care system put in place like every other successful Western Democracy has, and damned few people see the connection. Do we need pie charts?
The Revolution so many Boomers used to talk about is forgotten, sold for split levels, cocaine and swimming pools. Life turned out kind of weird and difficult the latter half of the 20th century, with nobody's predictions coming true but a whole lot of unforeseen stuff happening, just like the rest of history. The crazy Jesus freaks bought suits and entered politics and are now raining hellfire down on everyone else. The Internet happened and a new generation of tech kids took over the way Boomers and everyone else communicates.
The world suffered from a plague of billionaires, then the billionaires suffered from a plague of sticky fingers and stole all the money. People got screwed out of lots of dough and a ton of jobs went poof. Many got bitter and with that bitterness came their Born Again Conservatism. Born Agains of every variety are worse than ex-smokers when it comes to the nagging, real pains in the ass. New conservatives are no different than the Christian Fascists, all hate and fury and disgruntled bullshit, only instead of hating in the name of a loving and merciful God they hate in the name of their country. Is this helping anybody?
People are working against their own interests out of anger and frustration, abandoning their decency and getting manipulated like marionettes by the same wealthy Republicans and corporate royalty that inflicted so much damage on America. Even their brand new Tea Party is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Republican Party, conceived and funded as a business model to roll back any progressive and humanitarian legislation that seeks to put the American people back in charge of America. They even hire idiotic Republican shills like Sarah "I'm bailin'!" Palin to make speeches for $100,000 a pop to tell them that they are real Americans, just in case they were wondering what they were. And oh, by the way, the rest of America? Not real Americans and so they don't count.
This is one of those cases where you can fool some of the people quite a bit. Fool them into thinking that hatred and racism weren't such bad ideas in the first place, and that America needs a bogey man in order to function properly, fool them into thinking that they can have a piece of that vast wealth action enjoyed by a small ruling elite. All sorts of crazy ideas are being circulated, with even the Governor of Arkansas considering creating a separate State Militia to fight against the American Government, even though the United States Constitution places any and all State militias under the command of the President of the United States. How dumb is that guy?
Is this the best use of our time here? In an atmosphere where prominent politicians openly state that the Civil War was (!) not about slavery and calmly declare that they will not cooperate with the administration that the American people legally and overwhelmingly elected to replace their thieving and corrupt asses, power mad morons are coming out of the woodwork. Too many Baby Boomers dropped the ball on changing the world for the better, turning their backs on the success of the Civil Rights and Women Rights movements and embracing the politics of greed and stupidity. The greed of the wealthy, the stupidity of their pawns.
The Baby Boomers' "Revolution" was purchased by the wealthy elite, who proceeded to use it against them, transferring so much wealth from the working classes to themselves that less than 1% of Americans now own more wealth and assets that the bottom 95% of Americans combined. How is that working out for anyone but that 1% with their multiple luxury homes, private jets and lifetime supplies of our money? They're not going to share a cent with the stooges who do their bidding.
These aging Tea Party Animals are just as clueless now as when they were smoking pot all day long back in the day. Do they think no one notices the reality of their betrayal and blind hatred? Sorry, Pete Townsend, but it looks like a lot of us are getting fooled again. Me-first Politics pretty much guarantees that the many will get screwed by the few. It won't be the first or last time that fear mongering has benefitted the wealthy at the expense of everyone else, historical business as usual. PT Barnum would be proud, but Baby Boomers ought to be ashamed. A better world was within our grasp, and we blinked.
Somewhere somehow a lot of of bitterness infected the Love Generation and many have turned against everything they used to stand for. So much for all that brotherhood, peace and understanding jive. Now it's all "I got mine. Fuck everybody else!" At the first sign of disagreement between America and some crummy little country somewhere, we're not always sure exactly where, there's all sorts of formerly reasonable people screaming for war. All of a sudden it's bye bye Peace Corps, hello Marine Corps.
What kind of bullshit is that? Our military people love this country so much they'd run through hailstorms of bullets for us, and they do it all the time. Why do we treat that commitment so lightly and waste their lives in places that are no threat to America? These people have pledged to give their friggin' lives in defense of their country if necessary. That's asking a hell of a lot of anyone and is not an oath to be regarded lightly. How many of us risk death and dismemberment for a living? We need to respect that a hell of a lot more than we do, and put them in harm's way only as the very last resort.
Eisenhower's prediction of the "undue influence" of the Military Industrial Complex has come true in spades and the Boomers are silent about it. America spends more on our military than the rest of the world combined, and we can't even get a national health care system put in place like every other successful Western Democracy has, and damned few people see the connection. Do we need pie charts?
The Revolution so many Boomers used to talk about is forgotten, sold for split levels, cocaine and swimming pools. Life turned out kind of weird and difficult the latter half of the 20th century, with nobody's predictions coming true but a whole lot of unforeseen stuff happening, just like the rest of history. The crazy Jesus freaks bought suits and entered politics and are now raining hellfire down on everyone else. The Internet happened and a new generation of tech kids took over the way Boomers and everyone else communicates.
The world suffered from a plague of billionaires, then the billionaires suffered from a plague of sticky fingers and stole all the money. People got screwed out of lots of dough and a ton of jobs went poof. Many got bitter and with that bitterness came their Born Again Conservatism. Born Agains of every variety are worse than ex-smokers when it comes to the nagging, real pains in the ass. New conservatives are no different than the Christian Fascists, all hate and fury and disgruntled bullshit, only instead of hating in the name of a loving and merciful God they hate in the name of their country. Is this helping anybody?
People are working against their own interests out of anger and frustration, abandoning their decency and getting manipulated like marionettes by the same wealthy Republicans and corporate royalty that inflicted so much damage on America. Even their brand new Tea Party is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Republican Party, conceived and funded as a business model to roll back any progressive and humanitarian legislation that seeks to put the American people back in charge of America. They even hire idiotic Republican shills like Sarah "I'm bailin'!" Palin to make speeches for $100,000 a pop to tell them that they are real Americans, just in case they were wondering what they were. And oh, by the way, the rest of America? Not real Americans and so they don't count.
This is one of those cases where you can fool some of the people quite a bit. Fool them into thinking that hatred and racism weren't such bad ideas in the first place, and that America needs a bogey man in order to function properly, fool them into thinking that they can have a piece of that vast wealth action enjoyed by a small ruling elite. All sorts of crazy ideas are being circulated, with even the Governor of Arkansas considering creating a separate State Militia to fight against the American Government, even though the United States Constitution places any and all State militias under the command of the President of the United States. How dumb is that guy?
Is this the best use of our time here? In an atmosphere where prominent politicians openly state that the Civil War was (!) not about slavery and calmly declare that they will not cooperate with the administration that the American people legally and overwhelmingly elected to replace their thieving and corrupt asses, power mad morons are coming out of the woodwork. Too many Baby Boomers dropped the ball on changing the world for the better, turning their backs on the success of the Civil Rights and Women Rights movements and embracing the politics of greed and stupidity. The greed of the wealthy, the stupidity of their pawns.
The Baby Boomers' "Revolution" was purchased by the wealthy elite, who proceeded to use it against them, transferring so much wealth from the working classes to themselves that less than 1% of Americans now own more wealth and assets that the bottom 95% of Americans combined. How is that working out for anyone but that 1% with their multiple luxury homes, private jets and lifetime supplies of our money? They're not going to share a cent with the stooges who do their bidding.
These aging Tea Party Animals are just as clueless now as when they were smoking pot all day long back in the day. Do they think no one notices the reality of their betrayal and blind hatred? Sorry, Pete Townsend, but it looks like a lot of us are getting fooled again. Me-first Politics pretty much guarantees that the many will get screwed by the few. It won't be the first or last time that fear mongering has benefitted the wealthy at the expense of everyone else, historical business as usual. PT Barnum would be proud, but Baby Boomers ought to be ashamed. A better world was within our grasp, and we blinked.
April 13, 2010
NEW RULES FOR MODERN GENTLEMEN, REVISED
In recognition of the 21st Century, somehow even faster-paced than the very hectic 20th Century, Bobcrespo.com has been committed to bringing our readers the latest developments in rules for proper comportment. Why focus on nonsense like this when there are so many pressing concerns in this world? For the best of reasons. In the face of profound and continuing changes in human life these past two decades, a volatile political climate seemingy always on the brink of some new war somewhere, and some very discouraging global realities, humanity is hard pressed to even know how to react to this Brave New World. Our code of ethical behavior is what gets us through the unknown, the challenging and the difficult. The one constant we have, our Gibraltar in a rolling sea of change, is ourselves. It is our humanity that defines us, not our gadgets. Here are the latest updates on Rules For Modern Gentlemen:
A gentlemen doesn't kiss and Twitter.
When carrying one's automatic rifle in a protest rally, a gentleman keeps the safety on at all times.
If a gentleman is a devil worshipper or someone who prefers women's undergarments, he keeps those tidbits to himself in mixed company.
When conducting a computer scam, a gentleman never taunts his victims with nasty e-mails after he has stolen their life savings.
A gentleman never stiffs the bartender or his defense attorney.
Under no circumstances does a gentleman carry a man purse.
When summoned before Congress to explain where $20 billion of his stockholders' money went, a gentleman chooses not to wear his his diamond-encrusted platinum necktie that day.
When speaking to someone from Canada, a gentleman doesn't mention that he hasn't thought about Canada in a very long time.
A gentleman doesn't use emoticons when breaking up with a lady by e-mail.
When taking over one's government in a military coup, a gentleman chooses a uniform that won't remind anyone of their favorite comic opera.
A gentleman submits to a blood test to either prove or disprove paternity without forcing a lady to call in Maury Povich.
Similarly, if a lady invites a gentleman to appear on The Jerry Springer Show with her, he is to expect bad news and receives it with as much equanimity as is possible when the lady introduces him to her new gentleman with more tattoos than teeth and a mullet hairdo.
A gentleman never leaves his DNA at a crime scene.
When a gentleman is removed from public office in disgrace, he waits at least 6 months before getting a show on the Fox network.
When one has a show on Fox, a gentleman does not pretend to be a journalist.
A gentleman never submits sex videos with his special lady on YouTube.
A gentleman's FaceBook page never features photos of his collection of Nazi memorabilia.
When a gentleman is stalking a celebrity, he is circumspect and tasteful.
When captured by the authorities, a gentleman stalker does not sell his story to the first tabloid that makes an offer, but hires a reputable agent to maximize his earning potential.
In politics, a gentleman does not encourage hatred and violence to win votes. He leaves that bit of nasty business to his assistants.
When on trial for war crimes in The Hague, a gentleman never employs the "mass suicide defense" to explain away 35,000 corpses in a mass grave. Instead, he calmly blames his accusers.
When interviewing prospective interns, a gentleman always uses a condom.
A gentleman insists that interns sign a strict non-disclosure contract.
In the event that an intern graduates to trophy wife, a gentleman doesn't introduce her to his children and their "new Mommy."
A gentleman does not engage in anonymous chat room sex using the name "Candy Pants from Malibu."
A gentleman is always aware of which offenses require a bouquet of flowers and which require the gift of jewelry for his lady.
A gentleman always takes the wet spot.
A gentlemen doesn't kiss and Twitter.
When carrying one's automatic rifle in a protest rally, a gentleman keeps the safety on at all times.
If a gentleman is a devil worshipper or someone who prefers women's undergarments, he keeps those tidbits to himself in mixed company.
When conducting a computer scam, a gentleman never taunts his victims with nasty e-mails after he has stolen their life savings.
A gentleman never stiffs the bartender or his defense attorney.
Under no circumstances does a gentleman carry a man purse.
When summoned before Congress to explain where $20 billion of his stockholders' money went, a gentleman chooses not to wear his his diamond-encrusted platinum necktie that day.
When speaking to someone from Canada, a gentleman doesn't mention that he hasn't thought about Canada in a very long time.
A gentleman doesn't use emoticons when breaking up with a lady by e-mail.
When taking over one's government in a military coup, a gentleman chooses a uniform that won't remind anyone of their favorite comic opera.
A gentleman submits to a blood test to either prove or disprove paternity without forcing a lady to call in Maury Povich.
Similarly, if a lady invites a gentleman to appear on The Jerry Springer Show with her, he is to expect bad news and receives it with as much equanimity as is possible when the lady introduces him to her new gentleman with more tattoos than teeth and a mullet hairdo.
A gentleman never leaves his DNA at a crime scene.
When a gentleman is removed from public office in disgrace, he waits at least 6 months before getting a show on the Fox network.
When one has a show on Fox, a gentleman does not pretend to be a journalist.
A gentleman never submits sex videos with his special lady on YouTube.
A gentleman's FaceBook page never features photos of his collection of Nazi memorabilia.
When a gentleman is stalking a celebrity, he is circumspect and tasteful.
When captured by the authorities, a gentleman stalker does not sell his story to the first tabloid that makes an offer, but hires a reputable agent to maximize his earning potential.
In politics, a gentleman does not encourage hatred and violence to win votes. He leaves that bit of nasty business to his assistants.
When on trial for war crimes in The Hague, a gentleman never employs the "mass suicide defense" to explain away 35,000 corpses in a mass grave. Instead, he calmly blames his accusers.
When interviewing prospective interns, a gentleman always uses a condom.
A gentleman insists that interns sign a strict non-disclosure contract.
In the event that an intern graduates to trophy wife, a gentleman doesn't introduce her to his children and their "new Mommy."
A gentleman does not engage in anonymous chat room sex using the name "Candy Pants from Malibu."
A gentleman is always aware of which offenses require a bouquet of flowers and which require the gift of jewelry for his lady.
A gentleman always takes the wet spot.
April 10, 2010
NEWT GINGRICH, DAMNED FOOL AT LARGE
This is great. The former Speaker of the House of Representatives, Newt Gingrich, is slamming President Obama for running "a secular, socialist machine." Well, secular is the only legal way to run the United States government. Says so right there in the Constitution, the separation of Church and State. Our Founding Fathers were men who said pleasant things about faith from time to time, but that was the extent of their involvement with religion. They had a hard enough time getting the 13 States to agree to a Union without God in the equation. They regarded the practice of any religion to be an individual's right, and no concern of Caesar's. So, about Newt's accusation that President Obama is running a secular outfit? Well, yeah.
As far as the Socialist label, that's a hoot. Obama is more a centrist than anything else. He compromised his Health Care Reform Bill to appease the Republicans, who didn't even have enough votes to stop it. He gave up the Public Option, leaving that bit of necessary Socialism for another day, or another president. His financial reform measures have no teeth at all and still allow the financial industry to play high stakes poker with our money like drunks in Vegas.
HIs decision to drill for petroleum off our coast is not so popular with left-leaning Americans. The treaty Obama just signed with Russia's Medvedev is the same deal Ronald Reagan signed with Mikhail Gorbachev in the 1980s, reducing our respective nuclear arsenals by one third. He also escalated the war in Afghanistan and is dragging his feet getting America out of an illegal and immoral war in Iraq. A socialist? Hardly.
Obama isn't exactly reminding anyone of Fidel Castro, at least not anyone with a grip. Gingrich actually knows better, but he wants very much to be president, so he makes stuff up and caters to anger addicts and idiots. He figures his outrageous lies and character assassination will pave the way to the White House. He has not yet declared his candidacy, and passes himself off as civic-minded citizen just speaking his mind. A civic-minded citizen on Cable TV. Somehow this guy has become the Elder Statesman of The Republican Party.
This is the guy who was obsessed with President Clinton's prick back in the '90s and ground the wheels of government to a halt for almost two years while he talked about President Clinton's prick in a little more detail than was comfortable. During this time he was sticking his own prick in his future trophy wife while his current wife and the mother of his children was in the hospital with cancer. He felt so bad about it that he went to her hospital bed and told her all about the future Mrs. Right, and oh, by the way, good luck with the chemo.
It wasn't long before he was censured by Congress for ethics violations and resigned his office in disgrace. It was a pretty big deal. Made all the papers. So the guy disappears from public life and we're all like, yeah, fine, good riddance. Who needs dirtbags like that around running our government?
Well, not so fast. Two wives and a couple of religion changes later, Newt's back and just as dumb and arrogant as ever. He's even asshole buddies with Jerry Falwell, possibly the most evil Christian leader around. Together they want to get America to "rediscover our Christian past," that golden time in America that... never was! They made that up too.
Not that Newt's supporters know or care, they're just looking for something to hate in the name of a loving and merciful God. Nothing satisfies Christian Fascists like bullying, hating and good old fashioned demon hunting, so it looks like Sarah Palin's going to have to get even crazier that she already is if she wants to compete with Newt for the Republican nomination. She does have the gun nuts on her side, though, and a lot of those people are crossover voters, your standard Jesus Gun Nuts, so the Republican nomination process ought to be pretty lively in 2012. Expect the campaigns to touch on some pretty bizarre topics. James Carville couldn't have arranged things better for the Democrats.
As far as the Socialist label, that's a hoot. Obama is more a centrist than anything else. He compromised his Health Care Reform Bill to appease the Republicans, who didn't even have enough votes to stop it. He gave up the Public Option, leaving that bit of necessary Socialism for another day, or another president. His financial reform measures have no teeth at all and still allow the financial industry to play high stakes poker with our money like drunks in Vegas.
HIs decision to drill for petroleum off our coast is not so popular with left-leaning Americans. The treaty Obama just signed with Russia's Medvedev is the same deal Ronald Reagan signed with Mikhail Gorbachev in the 1980s, reducing our respective nuclear arsenals by one third. He also escalated the war in Afghanistan and is dragging his feet getting America out of an illegal and immoral war in Iraq. A socialist? Hardly.
Obama isn't exactly reminding anyone of Fidel Castro, at least not anyone with a grip. Gingrich actually knows better, but he wants very much to be president, so he makes stuff up and caters to anger addicts and idiots. He figures his outrageous lies and character assassination will pave the way to the White House. He has not yet declared his candidacy, and passes himself off as civic-minded citizen just speaking his mind. A civic-minded citizen on Cable TV. Somehow this guy has become the Elder Statesman of The Republican Party.
This is the guy who was obsessed with President Clinton's prick back in the '90s and ground the wheels of government to a halt for almost two years while he talked about President Clinton's prick in a little more detail than was comfortable. During this time he was sticking his own prick in his future trophy wife while his current wife and the mother of his children was in the hospital with cancer. He felt so bad about it that he went to her hospital bed and told her all about the future Mrs. Right, and oh, by the way, good luck with the chemo.
It wasn't long before he was censured by Congress for ethics violations and resigned his office in disgrace. It was a pretty big deal. Made all the papers. So the guy disappears from public life and we're all like, yeah, fine, good riddance. Who needs dirtbags like that around running our government?
Well, not so fast. Two wives and a couple of religion changes later, Newt's back and just as dumb and arrogant as ever. He's even asshole buddies with Jerry Falwell, possibly the most evil Christian leader around. Together they want to get America to "rediscover our Christian past," that golden time in America that... never was! They made that up too.
Not that Newt's supporters know or care, they're just looking for something to hate in the name of a loving and merciful God. Nothing satisfies Christian Fascists like bullying, hating and good old fashioned demon hunting, so it looks like Sarah Palin's going to have to get even crazier that she already is if she wants to compete with Newt for the Republican nomination. She does have the gun nuts on her side, though, and a lot of those people are crossover voters, your standard Jesus Gun Nuts, so the Republican nomination process ought to be pretty lively in 2012. Expect the campaigns to touch on some pretty bizarre topics. James Carville couldn't have arranged things better for the Democrats.
April 8, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 664
There were no "good parts" to the Third Reich that we need to remember fondly. Even their music sucked. "Deutschland uber Alles?" Enough said.
JIMMY, THE BLOGGING DOG, DISCUSSES HIS LIFE
It's me, Jimmy, The Blogging Dog, also known as The Canine Einstein, a nickname I sure didn't make up but was given to me by the scientists who studied me for a year until I bolted. Not that I escaped or anything so dramatic, since doorknobs are just as effective as prison bars to someone with paws. I just convinced the scientists that if they didn't free me, I wouldn't communicate with them anymore. They would have kept me in their laboratory forever if I didn't speak up. Actually, speaking is not what I do, only typing. Dog mouths and vocal chords are about as useless with human languages as our paws are with doorknobs.
I can only type out my thoughts on a computer keyboard specially designed for paws. I read and write the English language as well as most humans, and as far as being an Einstein, well, let's just say that I'm about one seventh as smart as old Albert, or to put it in modern terms, twice as smart as Sarah Palin. The humans who discovered my advanced intellect have all grown wealthy, while I'm still just a dog owned by some (thanks to me!) rich guy named Mark. It seems that dogs are not allowed to have bank accounts or to carry cash. Just as well, I'd only chew it up anyway. I'm a dog, not a kangaroo. No pockets.
Being the smartest dog around does have its benefits, though. My health and well-being are very well looked after and I'm in perfect physical shape, with plenty of opportunity to enjoy some rigorous exercise in the wide open spaces, unlike many of my fellow slaves who are chained or otherwise confined in tiny areas and given unhealthy food to eat. Then there's all these biologists with their DNA codes always hanging around and bringing me gorgeous bitches with whom they want me to mate. Guess what? They never have to ask me twice.
So far none of the many whelps I have sired have been any smarter than your average dog, but that doesn't stop them from bringing yet another sweet bitch around to try again anyway. I don't discourage them. Then there's this other science guy who wants to clone me. I was all for it until I found out that getting cloned does not involve getting busy with a bitch, so now I couldn't care less about cloning. It was all I could do not to take a chunk out of his fat ass. I (reluctantly) gave the guy some blood and tissue samples to play with and told him to be on his way and don't come back, even if he's successful.
Not only is the idea of cloning creepy to me with it's complete lack of actual mating, I figure I wouldn't want to hang around with someone who's exactly like me in every way. That wouldn't take long to get on your nerves, and in my case, it would be 7 times faster than humans. I'm no scientist, but it seems to me that this cloning thing defeats that whole genetic diversity deal that keeps a species vibrant, to say nothing of taking all our fun away. Where's the shot at mutation and adaption without a fresh set of DNA?
I also don't see the benefit to either Humanity or Dogdom to have a bunch of other Canine Einsteins around. While I accept my fate as being a freak of nature, I realize that my presence hasn't done a thing to free dogs from servitude as your "pets." As for human science, I'm but a footnote, a curious anomaly that won't help cure cancer, solve global warming or feed the hungry. Other than my advanced intellect, I'm a dog through and through, a barking, butt-sniffing, territory-marking, bitch-craving canine genetically disposed to be a pack hunter.
It's a good life, I suppose, but I'll never know any other reality, so it is what it is and I am what I am. I still have all the other senses that every dog possesses but humans do not; the telepathy, our complex body language, scent messages, species memory, our innate connection to nature, none of which I can truly share with humans. Speech, or in my case, only the written word, is a very limiting form of communication. You have no frame of reference for what I know or feel, any more than I can wrap my head around having opposable thumbs or wearing shoes.
I know this, though; there's a reason why you have shoes and dogs don't, and it's not because you walk on two measly legs. It's the laces. Buttons too, for that matter, and Velcro just gets stuck in the fur. Clothes aren't exactly paw friendly, for those of you who think it's real cute to dress us up in those sissy dog sweaters. That just embarrasses us in front of the other dogs and makes it even harder to score with the bitches, that is if you haven't cut our nuts off and neutered our females already. Dog, talk about your cruel and usual punishment!
As for myself, I'm fortunate and unaltered, and doing plenty of procreating, mostly in the name of science. More than my share, really, but like I said, I'm not looking for the complaint department on this one. I could have been the property of Michael Vick. Instead, I'm mating with the finest females in Dogdom and writing about it to humans on a computer for a living. There's worse things. At least one of my instinctive drives is hitting on all cylinders, and the writing about it is the price I have to pay for being a one-dog stud farm.
I will have uncounted hordes of descendants, like some Canine Abraham. Which, I realize, only means they will sell for a higher price, unless some Canine Moses shows up and frees us from bondage. I may be the Canine Einstein, but I'm not that smart. I am smart enough to know what became of most wild canine pack hunters. There's so few of them left that the humans that killed most of them have the rest counted and numbered. Same with the big cats. Unlike wolves, coyotes, dingoes and tigers, dogs chose submission to annihilation.
There's was the more noble course, perhaps, but four hundred million dogs of a thousand varieties are alive today, compared a precarious handful of the few remaining large land predators. We dogs are a pragmatic bunch, and fairly optimistic, even after 10,000 years of captivity. From what I gather, human slaves had many mournful songs they often sang, handing them down through their generations, and also a great many joyful songs of hope, freedom and deliverance. They were called spirituals. Well, what do you think howling at the moon is all about?
Think about having to beg for permission to go take a crap. That ever happen to any of you? It's pretty degrading, let me tell you, a real self-esteem crusher. It's hard for me to say if it was worth trading freedom for indignity, that was a decision made a very long time ago, and behind Door #2 was the only other option, complete annihilation. To survive, dogs became the servants of men and remain so to this day. LIke they say, "It's a dog's life." But it's life, and where there's life, there's hope. And so we wait. Nothing lasts forever.
I can only type out my thoughts on a computer keyboard specially designed for paws. I read and write the English language as well as most humans, and as far as being an Einstein, well, let's just say that I'm about one seventh as smart as old Albert, or to put it in modern terms, twice as smart as Sarah Palin. The humans who discovered my advanced intellect have all grown wealthy, while I'm still just a dog owned by some (thanks to me!) rich guy named Mark. It seems that dogs are not allowed to have bank accounts or to carry cash. Just as well, I'd only chew it up anyway. I'm a dog, not a kangaroo. No pockets.
Being the smartest dog around does have its benefits, though. My health and well-being are very well looked after and I'm in perfect physical shape, with plenty of opportunity to enjoy some rigorous exercise in the wide open spaces, unlike many of my fellow slaves who are chained or otherwise confined in tiny areas and given unhealthy food to eat. Then there's all these biologists with their DNA codes always hanging around and bringing me gorgeous bitches with whom they want me to mate. Guess what? They never have to ask me twice.
So far none of the many whelps I have sired have been any smarter than your average dog, but that doesn't stop them from bringing yet another sweet bitch around to try again anyway. I don't discourage them. Then there's this other science guy who wants to clone me. I was all for it until I found out that getting cloned does not involve getting busy with a bitch, so now I couldn't care less about cloning. It was all I could do not to take a chunk out of his fat ass. I (reluctantly) gave the guy some blood and tissue samples to play with and told him to be on his way and don't come back, even if he's successful.
Not only is the idea of cloning creepy to me with it's complete lack of actual mating, I figure I wouldn't want to hang around with someone who's exactly like me in every way. That wouldn't take long to get on your nerves, and in my case, it would be 7 times faster than humans. I'm no scientist, but it seems to me that this cloning thing defeats that whole genetic diversity deal that keeps a species vibrant, to say nothing of taking all our fun away. Where's the shot at mutation and adaption without a fresh set of DNA?
I also don't see the benefit to either Humanity or Dogdom to have a bunch of other Canine Einsteins around. While I accept my fate as being a freak of nature, I realize that my presence hasn't done a thing to free dogs from servitude as your "pets." As for human science, I'm but a footnote, a curious anomaly that won't help cure cancer, solve global warming or feed the hungry. Other than my advanced intellect, I'm a dog through and through, a barking, butt-sniffing, territory-marking, bitch-craving canine genetically disposed to be a pack hunter.
It's a good life, I suppose, but I'll never know any other reality, so it is what it is and I am what I am. I still have all the other senses that every dog possesses but humans do not; the telepathy, our complex body language, scent messages, species memory, our innate connection to nature, none of which I can truly share with humans. Speech, or in my case, only the written word, is a very limiting form of communication. You have no frame of reference for what I know or feel, any more than I can wrap my head around having opposable thumbs or wearing shoes.
I know this, though; there's a reason why you have shoes and dogs don't, and it's not because you walk on two measly legs. It's the laces. Buttons too, for that matter, and Velcro just gets stuck in the fur. Clothes aren't exactly paw friendly, for those of you who think it's real cute to dress us up in those sissy dog sweaters. That just embarrasses us in front of the other dogs and makes it even harder to score with the bitches, that is if you haven't cut our nuts off and neutered our females already. Dog, talk about your cruel and usual punishment!
As for myself, I'm fortunate and unaltered, and doing plenty of procreating, mostly in the name of science. More than my share, really, but like I said, I'm not looking for the complaint department on this one. I could have been the property of Michael Vick. Instead, I'm mating with the finest females in Dogdom and writing about it to humans on a computer for a living. There's worse things. At least one of my instinctive drives is hitting on all cylinders, and the writing about it is the price I have to pay for being a one-dog stud farm.
I will have uncounted hordes of descendants, like some Canine Abraham. Which, I realize, only means they will sell for a higher price, unless some Canine Moses shows up and frees us from bondage. I may be the Canine Einstein, but I'm not that smart. I am smart enough to know what became of most wild canine pack hunters. There's so few of them left that the humans that killed most of them have the rest counted and numbered. Same with the big cats. Unlike wolves, coyotes, dingoes and tigers, dogs chose submission to annihilation.
There's was the more noble course, perhaps, but four hundred million dogs of a thousand varieties are alive today, compared a precarious handful of the few remaining large land predators. We dogs are a pragmatic bunch, and fairly optimistic, even after 10,000 years of captivity. From what I gather, human slaves had many mournful songs they often sang, handing them down through their generations, and also a great many joyful songs of hope, freedom and deliverance. They were called spirituals. Well, what do you think howling at the moon is all about?
Think about having to beg for permission to go take a crap. That ever happen to any of you? It's pretty degrading, let me tell you, a real self-esteem crusher. It's hard for me to say if it was worth trading freedom for indignity, that was a decision made a very long time ago, and behind Door #2 was the only other option, complete annihilation. To survive, dogs became the servants of men and remain so to this day. LIke they say, "It's a dog's life." But it's life, and where there's life, there's hope. And so we wait. Nothing lasts forever.
April 7, 2010
DEAR DOT KAHM: WHO ASKED YOU?
Hello again, readers. Here's hoping that the Spring weather wherever you live is as sweet as what we are experiencing here in Brooklyn. In what seemed like the blink of an eye, we went from having a foot of snow on the ground to strolling through sweet flurries of pink and white cherry blossoms at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden. Another blink, and Coney Island officially celebrated Spring with the opening of the Cyclone, that ancient wooden roller coaster that gets more thrilling with every year it defies gravity, termites and the wrecking ball. Everybody from the peewees to the grannies are coming out of the woodwork with smiles on their faces and love in their hearts. Let's see what's on your minds during this sweetest of times:
Dear Dot Kham: I am a twenty one-year old senior in college, and I graduate in June. The economy is in such a mess I'm not sure I can get any sort of job. What am I supposed to do with my life? - Ben Dover
Dear Ben Dover: Enjoy it, fool! You're 21, you've got an education and you live in America. That's what's called hitting the lottery in life, pal. The hard times won't last forever, they never do. You'll find your way. If life was easy, this beautiful Springtime wouldn't seem so special, would it? Stick around, dream your dreams and do your level best. One day you'll see that the rewards are all that much sweeter for having been hard won.
Dear Dot Kham: I am 19 years old and beginning to see the world very differently from a lot of people I know. They tell me it's a dog-eat-dog world and I should worry only about myself. But I'm okay, and things are pretty good. I'm healthy, people tell me I'm pretty and I love being alive. That doesn't seem like anything I should worry about. There are a lot of other people, though, who seem to have it very hard, and I'd like to help them to see what I see, to get some love and enjoyment out of this beautiful life. I'm going to change my major in college next year, maybe become a doctor or something else where I can help others. My boyfriend told me that he doesn't like what I am becoming and I should always look out for #1, but that seems awful selfish to me. What should I do? - Becky
Dear Becky: Just be who you are child, and God bless you. And lose that Mr. Me-First boyfriend of yours. You have already helped someone feel better, me, and if this world had more Beckys, it would be a better place. Whatever you do with your life, I can see that you are one of those special people who leave others feeling better about themselves. When you give and when you help, you get more than you thought possible, so tell those people around you that looking out for others is looking out for yourself. You made my day, kiddo.
Dear Dot Kham: I'm Becky's boyfriend, and who the hell do you think you are to tell her to be herself? She's only 19 and doesn't know how cruel this world can be. Why should she waste her time helping others who should be helping themselves? I'm 22 and I've been around the block a few times. I know that other people will only drag you down. How will she get through the hard times with her attitude? People will only take and take from her and hurt her. Let me tell Becky what's what and keep your nose out of it. - Butch Wax
Dear Butch Wax: You're 22 and you've been around the block a few times? Get real, bozo, I've got shoes older than you! While I can see that you care for Becky, you've got more problems than an algebra textbook and no solutions. As far as you telling her what's what, it seems like Becky has a hell of a lot more to teach you than you can ever teach her. She's walking joy and you're just another arrogant young jerk who thinks he knows everything. Guess who will survive hard times better, you or her? She will, and she will make them easier on those around her, and if you're very lucky you can be one of those people. But don't count on it, Butch. Becky's not made for bitterness and selfishness and doesn't need your permission to be who she is. Who asked you? Thank your lucky stars that someone so very special ever looked at you twice, never mind gave herself to you. And those hard times you talk about? Well, without being too pessimistic, just let me say that you ain't seen nothing yet! Those of us who actually have been around the block a few times know that life can be a bumpy ride and love, kindness and joy are to be cherished more than gold.
Dear Dot Kham: I know that politics isn't generally your thing, but am a conservative who has been loyal to the political right my whole life. Only trouble is, Dot, is that I'm beginning to question some of the people who have led our movement these past few years. It seems they have been making a lot of blunders. Your thoughts? - Dick Shnifferr
Dear Dick Shnifferr: Blunders by the right wing? You think? How about invading the wrong country in 2003? Seems like quite a gaffe to me, as big a screwup as you can manage. How about tossing New Orleans a cinderblock when it was drowning? Did "compassionate conservatism" help them? Or how about the bunch of you crying like little girls when you got voted out of office and refusing to cooperate with your lawfully elected replacements? Winning any hearts and minds lately by opposing medical care, of all things, you selfish dogs? And why dust off Newt Gingrich, that corrupt piece of shit? What, the fat blob of a lying racist drug addict Rush Limbaugh was too scary for you, or Sarah Plain's just too friggin' stupid to be a mammal? You people really have got to be kidding here, Dick! Only now you're having second thoughts? Where were you when Dick Cheney was trying to repeal the Bill of Rights and tortured people like this was The Spanish Inquisition and not America? As far as politics not being my "thing," well, just let me say that politics is how we deal with other people, whether on a personal or a public level. Either you treat them well, or you treat them like crap, and your team has been treating their fellow human beings like crap for a very long time. Wake up and smell the coffee, Dick, and try love instead of hate. It's better for the world and it's better for you.
Dear Dot Kham: I am a twenty one-year old senior in college, and I graduate in June. The economy is in such a mess I'm not sure I can get any sort of job. What am I supposed to do with my life? - Ben Dover
Dear Ben Dover: Enjoy it, fool! You're 21, you've got an education and you live in America. That's what's called hitting the lottery in life, pal. The hard times won't last forever, they never do. You'll find your way. If life was easy, this beautiful Springtime wouldn't seem so special, would it? Stick around, dream your dreams and do your level best. One day you'll see that the rewards are all that much sweeter for having been hard won.
Dear Dot Kham: I am 19 years old and beginning to see the world very differently from a lot of people I know. They tell me it's a dog-eat-dog world and I should worry only about myself. But I'm okay, and things are pretty good. I'm healthy, people tell me I'm pretty and I love being alive. That doesn't seem like anything I should worry about. There are a lot of other people, though, who seem to have it very hard, and I'd like to help them to see what I see, to get some love and enjoyment out of this beautiful life. I'm going to change my major in college next year, maybe become a doctor or something else where I can help others. My boyfriend told me that he doesn't like what I am becoming and I should always look out for #1, but that seems awful selfish to me. What should I do? - Becky
Dear Becky: Just be who you are child, and God bless you. And lose that Mr. Me-First boyfriend of yours. You have already helped someone feel better, me, and if this world had more Beckys, it would be a better place. Whatever you do with your life, I can see that you are one of those special people who leave others feeling better about themselves. When you give and when you help, you get more than you thought possible, so tell those people around you that looking out for others is looking out for yourself. You made my day, kiddo.
Dear Dot Kham: I'm Becky's boyfriend, and who the hell do you think you are to tell her to be herself? She's only 19 and doesn't know how cruel this world can be. Why should she waste her time helping others who should be helping themselves? I'm 22 and I've been around the block a few times. I know that other people will only drag you down. How will she get through the hard times with her attitude? People will only take and take from her and hurt her. Let me tell Becky what's what and keep your nose out of it. - Butch Wax
Dear Butch Wax: You're 22 and you've been around the block a few times? Get real, bozo, I've got shoes older than you! While I can see that you care for Becky, you've got more problems than an algebra textbook and no solutions. As far as you telling her what's what, it seems like Becky has a hell of a lot more to teach you than you can ever teach her. She's walking joy and you're just another arrogant young jerk who thinks he knows everything. Guess who will survive hard times better, you or her? She will, and she will make them easier on those around her, and if you're very lucky you can be one of those people. But don't count on it, Butch. Becky's not made for bitterness and selfishness and doesn't need your permission to be who she is. Who asked you? Thank your lucky stars that someone so very special ever looked at you twice, never mind gave herself to you. And those hard times you talk about? Well, without being too pessimistic, just let me say that you ain't seen nothing yet! Those of us who actually have been around the block a few times know that life can be a bumpy ride and love, kindness and joy are to be cherished more than gold.
Dear Dot Kham: I know that politics isn't generally your thing, but am a conservative who has been loyal to the political right my whole life. Only trouble is, Dot, is that I'm beginning to question some of the people who have led our movement these past few years. It seems they have been making a lot of blunders. Your thoughts? - Dick Shnifferr
Dear Dick Shnifferr: Blunders by the right wing? You think? How about invading the wrong country in 2003? Seems like quite a gaffe to me, as big a screwup as you can manage. How about tossing New Orleans a cinderblock when it was drowning? Did "compassionate conservatism" help them? Or how about the bunch of you crying like little girls when you got voted out of office and refusing to cooperate with your lawfully elected replacements? Winning any hearts and minds lately by opposing medical care, of all things, you selfish dogs? And why dust off Newt Gingrich, that corrupt piece of shit? What, the fat blob of a lying racist drug addict Rush Limbaugh was too scary for you, or Sarah Plain's just too friggin' stupid to be a mammal? You people really have got to be kidding here, Dick! Only now you're having second thoughts? Where were you when Dick Cheney was trying to repeal the Bill of Rights and tortured people like this was The Spanish Inquisition and not America? As far as politics not being my "thing," well, just let me say that politics is how we deal with other people, whether on a personal or a public level. Either you treat them well, or you treat them like crap, and your team has been treating their fellow human beings like crap for a very long time. Wake up and smell the coffee, Dick, and try love instead of hate. It's better for the world and it's better for you.
April 5, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 662
Man is the only creature on earth that can lie or tell a joke. Which is no big deal really, since most of us do both pretty poorly.
IT'S BASEBALL SEASON AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON!
It's Opening Day! Baseball is back, and the world is suddenly in harmony again after a challenging Winter filled with bad weather and worse news. The weather is perfect, as Springy a Spring day as ever there was, and the defending World Campion New York Yankees are opening the 2010 season against the Boston Red Sox. Play ball! It's also Easter Sunday, or at least it was Easter Sunday until 8:05, EST, when the first pitch of the season was thrown by Josh Becket to Derek Jeter. So much for Easter, which, in truth, has only warning track power as a holiday. It would take at least a Thanksgiving, or maybe even the Big Dog, Christmas, to compete with Opening Day.
Boston's 98 year-old Fenway Park is the perfect place to start a season, one of the very last of the old-line ballparks, a throwback to when baseball stadiums were built in inner cities and had to conform to existing streets, resulting in some odd shapes and irresistible charm. The old Yankee Stadium is gone now, replaced last year by a replica, and now there's only Fenway and the Chicago Cubs' Wrigley Field remaining of the ballparks that were around when Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, Cy Young, Christy Mathewson, Cy Young, Walter Johnson, Honus Wagner, Rogers Hornsby, Tris Speaker and Grover Cleveland Alexander played the game.
They don't make ballparks like that anymore, and you don't hear names like those these days. Honus, Babe, Rogers with an s, Grover, Tris, Ty and Cy? Hall of Famers all, the guys who cemented baseball as America's pastime before baseball became the multibillion dollar business it is today. Major League teams were Mom & Pop operations by comparison, run by families and deeply rooted in the local communities. The fans considered the ball players neighbors and interacted with them as one would with the local grocer.
It wasn't unusual to ride the subways or trolleys to the ballpark with your team's center fielder, or to lift a beer or two with the day's pitcher in a local tavern after the game. There were no night games, and entire families came to the ballpark, the men dressed in suits, ties and fedoras, the ladies in dresses and sunbonnets. Star players almost always spent their entire careers with one team and remained forever identified with their team's city, no matter where they were born.
The game has changed since those days, but not all that much. It's still nine innings, 3 outs per inning and three strikes and you're out. Today's athletes are magnificent physical specimens, as well cared for as expensive race horses, with teams of trainers and doctors looking after their health in order to maximize the huge investment made in them by ownership. Their personalities (or glaring lack of same) might not stand up to yesterday's baseball heros, but one by one they are breaking all the old records, with only Cy Young's 511 career wins considered impossible to top.
The Yankees lost the game 9 to 7 in typical Opening Day fashion; the pitchers were not so sharp but the batters were. That will change as the season progresses and their arms get loose, but yesterday was a day for slugging big hits and scoring runs, a back-and-forth game that saw the Red Sox rally late to win it. 1 down, 161 games to go. Baseball is a long season, and these long-time rivals will meet another 20 times this season. They are the two best teams in baseball this year, so look for them to clash in the October playoffs as well.
The other teams open their season on Monday, restoring normalcy to the rest of America. Every city with a Major League team gets an Opening Day, either today or later in the week when their home games commence, and the surrounding region is riveted to that soothing ritual, and to hell with whatever else is going on in the world. Odds are it's disappointing anyway, so baseball, our old reliable and comfortable companion, gets us through life's traumas better than any hundred statesmen. Bad news isn't quite so dire when there's baseball around. You have to figure, "How bad could it be? The Tigers are coming in this weekend and Pettitte's on the mound!" Play ball!
Boston's 98 year-old Fenway Park is the perfect place to start a season, one of the very last of the old-line ballparks, a throwback to when baseball stadiums were built in inner cities and had to conform to existing streets, resulting in some odd shapes and irresistible charm. The old Yankee Stadium is gone now, replaced last year by a replica, and now there's only Fenway and the Chicago Cubs' Wrigley Field remaining of the ballparks that were around when Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, Cy Young, Christy Mathewson, Cy Young, Walter Johnson, Honus Wagner, Rogers Hornsby, Tris Speaker and Grover Cleveland Alexander played the game.
They don't make ballparks like that anymore, and you don't hear names like those these days. Honus, Babe, Rogers with an s, Grover, Tris, Ty and Cy? Hall of Famers all, the guys who cemented baseball as America's pastime before baseball became the multibillion dollar business it is today. Major League teams were Mom & Pop operations by comparison, run by families and deeply rooted in the local communities. The fans considered the ball players neighbors and interacted with them as one would with the local grocer.
It wasn't unusual to ride the subways or trolleys to the ballpark with your team's center fielder, or to lift a beer or two with the day's pitcher in a local tavern after the game. There were no night games, and entire families came to the ballpark, the men dressed in suits, ties and fedoras, the ladies in dresses and sunbonnets. Star players almost always spent their entire careers with one team and remained forever identified with their team's city, no matter where they were born.
The game has changed since those days, but not all that much. It's still nine innings, 3 outs per inning and three strikes and you're out. Today's athletes are magnificent physical specimens, as well cared for as expensive race horses, with teams of trainers and doctors looking after their health in order to maximize the huge investment made in them by ownership. Their personalities (or glaring lack of same) might not stand up to yesterday's baseball heros, but one by one they are breaking all the old records, with only Cy Young's 511 career wins considered impossible to top.
The Yankees lost the game 9 to 7 in typical Opening Day fashion; the pitchers were not so sharp but the batters were. That will change as the season progresses and their arms get loose, but yesterday was a day for slugging big hits and scoring runs, a back-and-forth game that saw the Red Sox rally late to win it. 1 down, 161 games to go. Baseball is a long season, and these long-time rivals will meet another 20 times this season. They are the two best teams in baseball this year, so look for them to clash in the October playoffs as well.
The other teams open their season on Monday, restoring normalcy to the rest of America. Every city with a Major League team gets an Opening Day, either today or later in the week when their home games commence, and the surrounding region is riveted to that soothing ritual, and to hell with whatever else is going on in the world. Odds are it's disappointing anyway, so baseball, our old reliable and comfortable companion, gets us through life's traumas better than any hundred statesmen. Bad news isn't quite so dire when there's baseball around. You have to figure, "How bad could it be? The Tigers are coming in this weekend and Pettitte's on the mound!" Play ball!
April 4, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 661
Beware the man of God. Keep one hand on your wallet and the other on your human rights. He intends to strip you of both.
.
.
DON'T DISUSS RELIGION OR POLITICS? WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT? A BRIEF HISTORY OF BOTH IN 1,717 WORDS
You hear this a lot, never discuss religion or politics. And yet, that's all we seem to do since these are two very juicy subjects. Besides, it's Easter and Passover, and politics is always in season. People find it hard to avoid discussing the things that make them tick. Only trouble is, these little chats can turn violent, as in "let's kill them all and sow their fields with salt" violent. That's pretty horrible, and illogical. If your religion or politics are any good, you won't have to harm a soul, people will snatch your ideas in a flash, no sales pitch or weapons needed. We all want to be safe and warm and get along with the neighbors, and you know a better way, we're all ears. Just don't get too peeved if we disagree. And keep your damned sword Sto yourself! No one likes a Crusader.
Sadly, so many of the religious and political faithful betray their creed by shoving them down someone's throat. Or up somewhere else. Take the 3 most famous religions around, for example; Christianity, Islam and Judaism, each claiming (natch!) to be the one true faith. More than a few of these sons of Abraham don't seem all that happy with whatever peace and comfort there is to be had from their faith unless the next guy feels just as friggin' blissful too, if it kills the son of a bitch! The way you choose to worship an invisible deity we can't even prove exists can cost your life. Now that's faith.
When it comes to religion, it's basically "your guess is as good as mine," which is why they are called faiths and not facts. Politics, on the other hand, can be proven to either work or not, since the way we govern nations has a very real impact on our lives, sometimes a little too real (the doesn't-work kind). For just about forever, politics were very simple; there was a king who ran the show for his whole life and you were a piece of shit unworthy to do anything but lick his boots, die in his wars, toil on "his" land and pay for his decadence. Then when the fucker finally dropped dead, his son took over and built statues of Pop all over the place and nicknamed him "The Great," and now you're stuck with reminders of this rotten prick in public parks the rest of your life.
This didn't work out well for anyone but the king and his posse, so eventually regular people figured out that they could at least fuck up that bad all by themselves and cut out all the expensive middle men in wigs and pantaloons. The thinking was "What is this, tragic opera or a friggin' government here?" So they tossed out the pantaloon people and decided to hold elections, pass their own damned laws for a change and run their own justice courts, thank you very much! Wonder of wonders, it worked. These days 123 out of 192 countries are on board.
It's called Democracy. The most famous Democracy is of course The United States of America. We started the trend of ditching the monarchs and replacing them with ourselves. One problem is that we started with the phrase "All men are created equal" but retained slaves for another 90 years and slaughtered millions of Native Americans who were inhabiting our "manifest destiny." Bam! Right off the bat we had to play catch up ball in the ethics department.
Seems that some of "we the people" are just as lousy as kings. Genocide and slavery just won't do in a nation "of the people, by the people and for the people." Thankfully, we got past those nightmares and are always in the process of honing our Democracy to the high ideals that founded this nation. America remains a work in progress, and our battles over the right road to something resembling perfection in an imperfect world is what keeps the place so interesting. It's the fact that everyone gets to put in our 2¢ worth that makes it both noisy and fun.
Without the opposition, whichever side you are on, what would we argue about, cell phone apps and internet speed? Please! Sometimes our adversaries define us by identifying what we don't like. And, once in a blue moon, one of them just might say something that makes sense that we can learn from, as unlikely as that might seem from such a bunch of horses' asses. Stranger things have happened. Besides, we're not done here. There's more stuff we still need to do to get it right, a generation at a time. Working Democracies are still a fairly young form of government, mere babes in historical terms. The idea may be as old as Greece, but the practice of it still has that new car smell.
Younger still is Communism, another anti-monarchist form of government where the goal was equality, but Communist leadership stunk up the joint with their totalitarianism and that whole world conquest deal. Communism, much like every religion out there, corrupted its ideals right from the get go. Millions of citizens of Communist nations had to be slaughtered before Communism took root, not for love of the system but simply out of fear. Is it any wonder Russia got rid of it after only 70 years? A good idea on paper, maybe, but a disaster in practice. No Communist Nation ever drew eager waves of immigrants.
China is just beginning to crawl out from under all the damage wrought by their own Communist demigod, the monster Mao Zedong, who was every bit as murderous as Stalin, Hitler or any killer king or emperor in history. His victims were almost exclusively his own countrymen, tens of millions of them sacrificed to create a "People's Paradise" that never happened for anybody except Chairman Mao and his henchmen, whose idea of Paradise had to be genocide on a grand scale, the equivalent of killing everyone in several medium-sized nations.
This guy still decorates their currency, which is ironic considering that his successors transformed his People's Republic into The World's Factory, and themselves into CEOs, Brooks Brothers suits and all, the kind of guys Mao once called Running Dogs of Imperialism and Capitalist Dogs. The Great Helmsman's Workers' Paradise is now China, Inc., the new Japan.
Then there's the worst possible form of government we've managed to come up with, that combination of politics and religion, Theocracy, or religious state. These governments combine the worst traits of religion and politics and no citizen is safe from the total control of their lives and minds. Only the worst sort of human beings wind up in charge of Theocracies, the dregs of the dregs. These countries only serve as vivid reminders to Americans to thank our Founding Fathers for perhaps their greatest idea among many great ideas, the separation of church and state.
Most current theocracies are Muslim states, but this wasn't always the case. European Christians have a rich history of oppression, conquest, mutilation and murder in the name of God, having ignored the memo from Jesus that said: " The Kingdom of God is not of this world" (and pretty much all of his teachings). Having a manual you claim was written by God helps a whole lot. By its very nature it can't be questioned, especially when most of your citizens can't read. This way you can absolve yourself when you burn non-believers alive, imprison and torture them, slaughter them or drive them from your land in the name of "God." Like Communism, Theocracy is tailor made for messianic psychopaths.
The fact is that all religious books are the product of the minds of men who claim otherwise. How else can passages like "Slay them down to last man, woman and child" or "stone the sinner unto death" be explained? Would a God advocate stoning his children to death? Then there's all the blatant contradictions in every religious tract, alternately commanding love and hate, tolerance and intolerance, kindness and cruelty, marital fidelity and polygamy and any number of conflicting marching orders. How very similar to the minds of men are our Bibles, all over the place.
The only guy who showed any consistency at all was Jesus Christ, who's Gospels somehow got added on to the Hebrew Bible as a "New" Testament, even though it appears Jesus is talking about a completely different God from the petty rat bastard of the Old Testament. Christ was all about the love and had no use for vengeance, violence or intolerance. Mercy, kindness, forgiveness and love were his calling cards. He carried no weapon and condemned war. In the 2 millennia since his death, there's been no shortage of psychos invoking the name of The Prince of Peace to justify the slaughter of millions of God's children. Go figure us whacky humans, eh?
Men are not like animals, who show almost no variation in personality within each species. There was never a vegetarian lion or a frog who tried to fly. No alligator ever argued with another alligator about what was the proper moral and alligatory way to behave or govern the swamp. They're just alligators doing what every alligator has always done; bask in the sun and tear other animals limb from limb. Animals have no notion of right and wrong. But we're people, as different from one another in our minds as our bodies are alike, with very clear notions of what is right and what is wrong.
And so we invent religions to reinforce those notions, and form governments whose policies reflect our ideals. When those religions and policies don't sit so well with the other guy, we argue. Sometimes those arguments get out of hand. The trick is to discuss these things without resorting to violence. Hopefully the framework in which to do that is Democracy. Democracy bows to the inevitable and recognizes that people will always exercise their ability to think and speak, no matter what any government has to say about it. Let's keep on talking about these things, not fighting or forcing anyone to dance to our tune. Don't discuss religion and politics? The only thing nuttier is to not discuss them. Those twin 800 pound gorillas will not be ignored. It's hard being human sometimes.
Sadly, so many of the religious and political faithful betray their creed by shoving them down someone's throat. Or up somewhere else. Take the 3 most famous religions around, for example; Christianity, Islam and Judaism, each claiming (natch!) to be the one true faith. More than a few of these sons of Abraham don't seem all that happy with whatever peace and comfort there is to be had from their faith unless the next guy feels just as friggin' blissful too, if it kills the son of a bitch! The way you choose to worship an invisible deity we can't even prove exists can cost your life. Now that's faith.
When it comes to religion, it's basically "your guess is as good as mine," which is why they are called faiths and not facts. Politics, on the other hand, can be proven to either work or not, since the way we govern nations has a very real impact on our lives, sometimes a little too real (the doesn't-work kind). For just about forever, politics were very simple; there was a king who ran the show for his whole life and you were a piece of shit unworthy to do anything but lick his boots, die in his wars, toil on "his" land and pay for his decadence. Then when the fucker finally dropped dead, his son took over and built statues of Pop all over the place and nicknamed him "The Great," and now you're stuck with reminders of this rotten prick in public parks the rest of your life.
This didn't work out well for anyone but the king and his posse, so eventually regular people figured out that they could at least fuck up that bad all by themselves and cut out all the expensive middle men in wigs and pantaloons. The thinking was "What is this, tragic opera or a friggin' government here?" So they tossed out the pantaloon people and decided to hold elections, pass their own damned laws for a change and run their own justice courts, thank you very much! Wonder of wonders, it worked. These days 123 out of 192 countries are on board.
It's called Democracy. The most famous Democracy is of course The United States of America. We started the trend of ditching the monarchs and replacing them with ourselves. One problem is that we started with the phrase "All men are created equal" but retained slaves for another 90 years and slaughtered millions of Native Americans who were inhabiting our "manifest destiny." Bam! Right off the bat we had to play catch up ball in the ethics department.
Seems that some of "we the people" are just as lousy as kings. Genocide and slavery just won't do in a nation "of the people, by the people and for the people." Thankfully, we got past those nightmares and are always in the process of honing our Democracy to the high ideals that founded this nation. America remains a work in progress, and our battles over the right road to something resembling perfection in an imperfect world is what keeps the place so interesting. It's the fact that everyone gets to put in our 2¢ worth that makes it both noisy and fun.
Without the opposition, whichever side you are on, what would we argue about, cell phone apps and internet speed? Please! Sometimes our adversaries define us by identifying what we don't like. And, once in a blue moon, one of them just might say something that makes sense that we can learn from, as unlikely as that might seem from such a bunch of horses' asses. Stranger things have happened. Besides, we're not done here. There's more stuff we still need to do to get it right, a generation at a time. Working Democracies are still a fairly young form of government, mere babes in historical terms. The idea may be as old as Greece, but the practice of it still has that new car smell.
Younger still is Communism, another anti-monarchist form of government where the goal was equality, but Communist leadership stunk up the joint with their totalitarianism and that whole world conquest deal. Communism, much like every religion out there, corrupted its ideals right from the get go. Millions of citizens of Communist nations had to be slaughtered before Communism took root, not for love of the system but simply out of fear. Is it any wonder Russia got rid of it after only 70 years? A good idea on paper, maybe, but a disaster in practice. No Communist Nation ever drew eager waves of immigrants.
China is just beginning to crawl out from under all the damage wrought by their own Communist demigod, the monster Mao Zedong, who was every bit as murderous as Stalin, Hitler or any killer king or emperor in history. His victims were almost exclusively his own countrymen, tens of millions of them sacrificed to create a "People's Paradise" that never happened for anybody except Chairman Mao and his henchmen, whose idea of Paradise had to be genocide on a grand scale, the equivalent of killing everyone in several medium-sized nations.
This guy still decorates their currency, which is ironic considering that his successors transformed his People's Republic into The World's Factory, and themselves into CEOs, Brooks Brothers suits and all, the kind of guys Mao once called Running Dogs of Imperialism and Capitalist Dogs. The Great Helmsman's Workers' Paradise is now China, Inc., the new Japan.
Then there's the worst possible form of government we've managed to come up with, that combination of politics and religion, Theocracy, or religious state. These governments combine the worst traits of religion and politics and no citizen is safe from the total control of their lives and minds. Only the worst sort of human beings wind up in charge of Theocracies, the dregs of the dregs. These countries only serve as vivid reminders to Americans to thank our Founding Fathers for perhaps their greatest idea among many great ideas, the separation of church and state.
Most current theocracies are Muslim states, but this wasn't always the case. European Christians have a rich history of oppression, conquest, mutilation and murder in the name of God, having ignored the memo from Jesus that said: " The Kingdom of God is not of this world" (and pretty much all of his teachings). Having a manual you claim was written by God helps a whole lot. By its very nature it can't be questioned, especially when most of your citizens can't read. This way you can absolve yourself when you burn non-believers alive, imprison and torture them, slaughter them or drive them from your land in the name of "God." Like Communism, Theocracy is tailor made for messianic psychopaths.
The fact is that all religious books are the product of the minds of men who claim otherwise. How else can passages like "Slay them down to last man, woman and child" or "stone the sinner unto death" be explained? Would a God advocate stoning his children to death? Then there's all the blatant contradictions in every religious tract, alternately commanding love and hate, tolerance and intolerance, kindness and cruelty, marital fidelity and polygamy and any number of conflicting marching orders. How very similar to the minds of men are our Bibles, all over the place.
The only guy who showed any consistency at all was Jesus Christ, who's Gospels somehow got added on to the Hebrew Bible as a "New" Testament, even though it appears Jesus is talking about a completely different God from the petty rat bastard of the Old Testament. Christ was all about the love and had no use for vengeance, violence or intolerance. Mercy, kindness, forgiveness and love were his calling cards. He carried no weapon and condemned war. In the 2 millennia since his death, there's been no shortage of psychos invoking the name of The Prince of Peace to justify the slaughter of millions of God's children. Go figure us whacky humans, eh?
Men are not like animals, who show almost no variation in personality within each species. There was never a vegetarian lion or a frog who tried to fly. No alligator ever argued with another alligator about what was the proper moral and alligatory way to behave or govern the swamp. They're just alligators doing what every alligator has always done; bask in the sun and tear other animals limb from limb. Animals have no notion of right and wrong. But we're people, as different from one another in our minds as our bodies are alike, with very clear notions of what is right and what is wrong.
And so we invent religions to reinforce those notions, and form governments whose policies reflect our ideals. When those religions and policies don't sit so well with the other guy, we argue. Sometimes those arguments get out of hand. The trick is to discuss these things without resorting to violence. Hopefully the framework in which to do that is Democracy. Democracy bows to the inevitable and recognizes that people will always exercise their ability to think and speak, no matter what any government has to say about it. Let's keep on talking about these things, not fighting or forcing anyone to dance to our tune. Don't discuss religion and politics? The only thing nuttier is to not discuss them. Those twin 800 pound gorillas will not be ignored. It's hard being human sometimes.
April 3, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 660
If you reach a fork in the road, look around for a spoon too. You never know what you're going to find in your journey through life.
THE SAUDIS GO SOFT ON WITCHCRAFT, AND OTHER ODD CRAP
In Saudi Arabia, a man sentenced to death has been given a stay of execution. His crime? Sorcery. It seems that the guy is a TV host in Lebanon who was on a pilgrimage to Medina. He was arrested by the Saudi (!) Religious Police for the crime of making predictions. After a secret trial where the man was given no legal representation, he was sentenced to be beheaded, the preferred method of barbarity in Saudi Arabia. Although he is not a Saudi citizen and his "crime" was not committed in Saudi Arabia, religious police recognized the man since they had watched his show, and arrested the guy in his hotel room.
Made up largely of criminals who had their sentences commuted because they memorized the Koran, these guys are more feared than the Gestapo and KGB ever were, since they can arrest people who have broken no law. If you annoy them, you're toast. They are called the Muttaween, or Mutts for short. Much like Spanish Inquisitors of old, the Mutts can arrest anyone they feel like for any reason they can invent, except of course, the king and and any other member of the royal family, most of whom are more decadent that Andy Dick and Bombshell McGee rolled into one.
Who says the Inquisition is over? It just switched faiths from Roman Catholicism to Islam. The Mutts are busy fellows, what with young girls trying to exit their burning school with their heads uncovered and needing to be driven back into the flames, homosexuals to be arrested and tortured, women to be beaten senseless with whips for failing to cover their ankles, tongues to be cut out, people to be burned at the stake or crucified (or both) and other unpleasant but necessary jobs. No word from the king as to why he is going soft on witchcraft all of a sudden. Maybe his teenage transvestite boyfriend likes the Lebanese guy's TV show. He's not saying, and being king, doesn't have to answer to anyone, not even the Mutts. Like Mel Brook's says, it's good to be king.
Speaking of oppressive regimes who don't give a rat's ass about anybody, including their own citizens, the nations surrounding China are blaming the Chinese government for their water shortage. The Chinese have been building so many dams that once-mighty rivers like the Mekong have turned into muddy little streams polluted with the 19th century style industrial waste. Of course the Chinese are calling the situation a natural occurrence, a drought. While there is a drought and a lack of the usual heavy rainfall in the region, that has happened before, but the river continued to flow. These days, the 3,000 mile-long river has been stopped up by 4 dams, effectively starving farmers, fishermen and their families in Thailand, Cambodia, Myanmar and Vietnam, as well as the Chinese province of Yunan that borders those nations. The Chinese government, however, has more pressing concerns, like how to more effectively censor the Internet and falsely inflate the value of their currency.
In the Netherlands, Greenpeace activists have chained themselves to the mooring ropes of a ship scheduled to sail to Japan with a cargo of whale meat. While they realize this doesn't help the whale that's already cut into steaks, they're hoping to be able to water ski across the Pacific carrying banners that say "Whale does not taste like chicken!"
In Canada today, as usual, there was nothing to report.
Made up largely of criminals who had their sentences commuted because they memorized the Koran, these guys are more feared than the Gestapo and KGB ever were, since they can arrest people who have broken no law. If you annoy them, you're toast. They are called the Muttaween, or Mutts for short. Much like Spanish Inquisitors of old, the Mutts can arrest anyone they feel like for any reason they can invent, except of course, the king and and any other member of the royal family, most of whom are more decadent that Andy Dick and Bombshell McGee rolled into one.
Who says the Inquisition is over? It just switched faiths from Roman Catholicism to Islam. The Mutts are busy fellows, what with young girls trying to exit their burning school with their heads uncovered and needing to be driven back into the flames, homosexuals to be arrested and tortured, women to be beaten senseless with whips for failing to cover their ankles, tongues to be cut out, people to be burned at the stake or crucified (or both) and other unpleasant but necessary jobs. No word from the king as to why he is going soft on witchcraft all of a sudden. Maybe his teenage transvestite boyfriend likes the Lebanese guy's TV show. He's not saying, and being king, doesn't have to answer to anyone, not even the Mutts. Like Mel Brook's says, it's good to be king.
Speaking of oppressive regimes who don't give a rat's ass about anybody, including their own citizens, the nations surrounding China are blaming the Chinese government for their water shortage. The Chinese have been building so many dams that once-mighty rivers like the Mekong have turned into muddy little streams polluted with the 19th century style industrial waste. Of course the Chinese are calling the situation a natural occurrence, a drought. While there is a drought and a lack of the usual heavy rainfall in the region, that has happened before, but the river continued to flow. These days, the 3,000 mile-long river has been stopped up by 4 dams, effectively starving farmers, fishermen and their families in Thailand, Cambodia, Myanmar and Vietnam, as well as the Chinese province of Yunan that borders those nations. The Chinese government, however, has more pressing concerns, like how to more effectively censor the Internet and falsely inflate the value of their currency.
In the Netherlands, Greenpeace activists have chained themselves to the mooring ropes of a ship scheduled to sail to Japan with a cargo of whale meat. While they realize this doesn't help the whale that's already cut into steaks, they're hoping to be able to water ski across the Pacific carrying banners that say "Whale does not taste like chicken!"
In Canada today, as usual, there was nothing to report.
April 1, 2010
HOW FUCKING STUPID DO THEY THINK WE ARE?
Okay, people are dumb sometimes, and we do a lot of stupid things. It's only fair to admit that. Even the smartest among us are capable pulling off a real boneheaded stunt at any time. It's part of the deal with being human. We get to sit on the top of the food chain and dominate the planet, but every so often we shoot ourselves in the foot. This usually happens when we get angry or frustrated and that's when we're all capable of doing and saying some really terrible things. There's not a person alive who has not regretted something done or said in anger. As they say, it goes with the territory.
Not that all that many of us are truly stupid, real dumb-as-a-rock stupid. While there are those unfortunates among us, they are actually few and far between. Most people are pretty sharp and have a lot on the ball, with impressive skills, unique talents, good work habits and minds that can figure a lot of things out quite well. We didn't get to be the Alpha dogs on Planet Earth by accident. Hell, we even put a guy on the Moon forty years ago. As long as we avoid anger and frustration we can do wonders. When we surrender to those things is when we get in trouble.
With that knowledge in hand, some of us like to take advantage of our fellow man. They know the right buttons to push to get us angry, the exact words to say to get our blood boiling. When hard times arrive, as they do from time to time, they play upon our frustrations. Some of them are quite skilled at manipulating people. Take America for example, where, by the standards of most of the world, people have it very good. No one starves, there are no wars on our soil, everyone can read and write and we hold no political prisoners. There has never been anything but an orderly transfer of power in America, every four or eight years, according to the wishes of our citizens who vote on who gets to run the show.
These are things we take for granted, as well we should. We worked had to create this reality and work hard to maintain it. Liberal Democracy was the end result of 5,000 years of recorded history during which humanity suffered horribly under a string of brutal kings and emperors and was the answer to the eternal statement "There's gotta be a better way!" Well, there was a better way, and we found it, and for 234 years we've been trying to live up to the bold statement "All men are created equal."
The only trouble is, that some of us think we have it too good and should surrender some of our rights and liberties. We even elected a bunch of these assholes back in 2000 and again in 2004. Turns out they were a bunch of cowardly thieves, traitors and criminals, and now we're paying for our stupidity. These pricks looted our treasury, got us involved in two endless wars, stole trillions of dollars from the working classes and handed it over to people who were already very wealthy. They threw New Orleans a cinderblock when it was drowning, spied on American citizens and attempted to repeal the BIll of Rights.
On top of all that they nearly ruined the most powerful economy in history when the nation's wealthiest citizens decided that they weren't wealthy enough so they decided to steal and cheat their way into gaining more billions of dollars of everyone else's money. It was a time when there were no rules for the wealthy and they took full advantage, enriching themselves fabulously while ruining millions of less powerful and influential lives. DId it not because they needed it, but just because they could, and fuck everyone else! The long dead and unmourned kings and emperors would be proud of America's New Corporate Princes.
And so we voted their criminal asses out of office across the board, The White House and both Houses of Congress. In the true Liberal Democracy way, we didn't put them in jail where many thought they belonged, only took away their car keys an put responsible adults behind the wheel. While we didn't expect such arrogant assholes to slink away in shame and repentance, we figured that at least they would have realized that they crossed a lot of lines they ought not to have crossed.
So much for assumptions. These jerkoffs think we're all stupid all the time. They're trying to make a political comeback before the new administration has a chance to pass any laws putting limits on how the financial industries can operate. It's called regulation, like the regulations that are placed on everything in society from driving a car to prohibiting murder. Basic common sense stuff, like keeping an eye on those who handle everybody's money. If human society didn't need such regulation, there would be no such thing as bank vaults.
But we haven't come that far down the evolutionary trail yet and money is still a huge temptation. Most people figure that it should be just as illegal to rob a bank from the inside as from the outside. So the button-pushers have got a whole lot of really dopey people all worked up about the new sheriff in town, and have them believing he's the second coming of Chairman Mao because the wanted every American to have something as basic and necessary as health insurance. By their overwrought rhetoric you'd think our president just passed a law saying that every America must apply for a travel visa to go to Disneyland.
They are of course using America's anger and frustration at the hard times we are experiencing, and fooling enough of them to make some noise. What these fools who drink their Kool Aid never stop to consider is that America is in this mess precisely because we elected these people in the first place. How fucking stupid do you have to be to listen to the guy who just robbed your house telling you he knows why you have no television? Apparently really fucking stupid, and really in need of company. Like misery, idiocy loves company and now they're forming packs like blind rats and proclaiming that our new president isn't a "real" America (read that: "Nigger," opening up a whole other ugly can of American worms).
Even the people chosen to sell those crazy right wing ideas are really stupid and almost clinically insane. Who wouldn't choose to stand for the whole subway ride if the only available seat was next to Glen Beck? How long before the average guy punches out Rush Limbaugh's lights when he starts with the blowhard lies and racist rants? How long would we put up with Bull O'Really insulting our intelligence before pimp-slapping his smug mug for him? Sarah Palin? Cracker, please! There's a reason why these people are presented from the safety of a broadcast studio. They are about as real and true as a cartoon, only without the intellectual heft of Looney Tunes.
The fact is that their side damaged this country so grievously, their side attempted to strip our civil rights and their side stole all the money. And now they want us to listen to them as the voice of reason? A reason for what? How fucking stupid do they think we are?
Not that all that many of us are truly stupid, real dumb-as-a-rock stupid. While there are those unfortunates among us, they are actually few and far between. Most people are pretty sharp and have a lot on the ball, with impressive skills, unique talents, good work habits and minds that can figure a lot of things out quite well. We didn't get to be the Alpha dogs on Planet Earth by accident. Hell, we even put a guy on the Moon forty years ago. As long as we avoid anger and frustration we can do wonders. When we surrender to those things is when we get in trouble.
With that knowledge in hand, some of us like to take advantage of our fellow man. They know the right buttons to push to get us angry, the exact words to say to get our blood boiling. When hard times arrive, as they do from time to time, they play upon our frustrations. Some of them are quite skilled at manipulating people. Take America for example, where, by the standards of most of the world, people have it very good. No one starves, there are no wars on our soil, everyone can read and write and we hold no political prisoners. There has never been anything but an orderly transfer of power in America, every four or eight years, according to the wishes of our citizens who vote on who gets to run the show.
These are things we take for granted, as well we should. We worked had to create this reality and work hard to maintain it. Liberal Democracy was the end result of 5,000 years of recorded history during which humanity suffered horribly under a string of brutal kings and emperors and was the answer to the eternal statement "There's gotta be a better way!" Well, there was a better way, and we found it, and for 234 years we've been trying to live up to the bold statement "All men are created equal."
The only trouble is, that some of us think we have it too good and should surrender some of our rights and liberties. We even elected a bunch of these assholes back in 2000 and again in 2004. Turns out they were a bunch of cowardly thieves, traitors and criminals, and now we're paying for our stupidity. These pricks looted our treasury, got us involved in two endless wars, stole trillions of dollars from the working classes and handed it over to people who were already very wealthy. They threw New Orleans a cinderblock when it was drowning, spied on American citizens and attempted to repeal the BIll of Rights.
On top of all that they nearly ruined the most powerful economy in history when the nation's wealthiest citizens decided that they weren't wealthy enough so they decided to steal and cheat their way into gaining more billions of dollars of everyone else's money. It was a time when there were no rules for the wealthy and they took full advantage, enriching themselves fabulously while ruining millions of less powerful and influential lives. DId it not because they needed it, but just because they could, and fuck everyone else! The long dead and unmourned kings and emperors would be proud of America's New Corporate Princes.
And so we voted their criminal asses out of office across the board, The White House and both Houses of Congress. In the true Liberal Democracy way, we didn't put them in jail where many thought they belonged, only took away their car keys an put responsible adults behind the wheel. While we didn't expect such arrogant assholes to slink away in shame and repentance, we figured that at least they would have realized that they crossed a lot of lines they ought not to have crossed.
So much for assumptions. These jerkoffs think we're all stupid all the time. They're trying to make a political comeback before the new administration has a chance to pass any laws putting limits on how the financial industries can operate. It's called regulation, like the regulations that are placed on everything in society from driving a car to prohibiting murder. Basic common sense stuff, like keeping an eye on those who handle everybody's money. If human society didn't need such regulation, there would be no such thing as bank vaults.
But we haven't come that far down the evolutionary trail yet and money is still a huge temptation. Most people figure that it should be just as illegal to rob a bank from the inside as from the outside. So the button-pushers have got a whole lot of really dopey people all worked up about the new sheriff in town, and have them believing he's the second coming of Chairman Mao because the wanted every American to have something as basic and necessary as health insurance. By their overwrought rhetoric you'd think our president just passed a law saying that every America must apply for a travel visa to go to Disneyland.
They are of course using America's anger and frustration at the hard times we are experiencing, and fooling enough of them to make some noise. What these fools who drink their Kool Aid never stop to consider is that America is in this mess precisely because we elected these people in the first place. How fucking stupid do you have to be to listen to the guy who just robbed your house telling you he knows why you have no television? Apparently really fucking stupid, and really in need of company. Like misery, idiocy loves company and now they're forming packs like blind rats and proclaiming that our new president isn't a "real" America (read that: "Nigger," opening up a whole other ugly can of American worms).
Even the people chosen to sell those crazy right wing ideas are really stupid and almost clinically insane. Who wouldn't choose to stand for the whole subway ride if the only available seat was next to Glen Beck? How long before the average guy punches out Rush Limbaugh's lights when he starts with the blowhard lies and racist rants? How long would we put up with Bull O'Really insulting our intelligence before pimp-slapping his smug mug for him? Sarah Palin? Cracker, please! There's a reason why these people are presented from the safety of a broadcast studio. They are about as real and true as a cartoon, only without the intellectual heft of Looney Tunes.
The fact is that their side damaged this country so grievously, their side attempted to strip our civil rights and their side stole all the money. And now they want us to listen to them as the voice of reason? A reason for what? How fucking stupid do they think we are?
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