January 28, 2011
January 9, 2011
EARN AN ONLINE DOCTORATE FROM BOBCRESPO.COM UNIVERSITY!
As part of the major renovations we will be undertaking at this website in the coming year, bobcrespo.com is proud to announce the Bobcrespo.com Online University! That's right, BC.CU will soon be taking applications from promising undergrads looking for that prestigious doctorate degree that will push them over the top when it comes to employability in today's depressed job market.
More importantly, enrolling at BC.CU gives you Student Status, explaining that embarrassing years-long lapse on your work resume that most Americans have these days. Unlike other Online Universities, BC.CU will not offer advanced degrees in the stale old subjects that have been contributing to the complete unemployability of their students. Looking at the moonscape that is today's economy, we are tailoring our curriculum to offer careers in the fields where the money is today: The financial services, politics, computer engineering and popular science.
When the rules of mathematics and prudent financial investment are being rewritten daily by the leading practitioners in the financial industries, who needs another Certified Public Accountant or Doctor of Economics trained in the old ways, using the old math? Banks, credit corporations and investment houses won't touch those misinformed fools who think the game is on the level!
Instead, we turn out Doctors of Creative Accounting (DCAs), real-world savvy professionals adept at getting numbers to say whatever the boss needs them to say. Any fool can write "one plus one equals two," and guess what? No one wants to hear that crap anymore!
When $7 trillion "disappeared" in 2008, it only disappeared from some people's pockets and reappeared in the pockets of other people; really, really rich people. Remember, Physics 101 informed us that matter can neither be created or destroyed, and neither can wealth. But as millions and millions of us found out the hard way, it can sure be moved from hand to hand faster than you can say "Impoverished Golden Years."
A doctorate in Creative Accounting from Bocrespo.com University could have armed investors with the knowledge of how today's markets actually work, not how they are supposed to work. Don't forget, the players set the rules these days! Why pretend otherwise? Learn to be a player at BC.CU!
For example, when the drastic over-evaluation of everything that exists, combined with the financial industry's selling Mud Futures and Wind Bonds on world markets as if they were real things, a trained DCA would have bailed, knowing the fix was in, and even turned a tidy profit by betting against his country's economy.
At BC.CU, our curriculum reflects current realities, not academic pipe dreams or antiquated, arbitrary "Scholastic Standards." In keeping with this hard-nose approach to higher education, we will be offering advance university degrees in the following subjects as well:
Doctor of Popular Science: A scientist first and foremost has to eat, just like anybody else, and these days, a scientist's bread is buttered thickest in the employ of large corporations. What is science but explaining the unexplainable to non-scientists? So who's to say what is absolute truth? For all anyone really knows, the world is actually cooling, asbestos is harmless and tobacco is just a fun, cool weed. And with the letters Ph.D after your name, you can command instant respect and a huge salary to explain to the authorities and the general public that your company's policy of dumping oil slag in the local ecosytem is actually vital "Environmental Lubrication."
Doctor of Computer Appropriation: Learn to access information from any computer anywhere. If you are technically gifted and understand computers, why waste your time solving logistics problems for your stupid fat cat bosses at a fraction of their bloated salaries? At BC.CU you will learn how to mine the computer memories of any computer anywhere for the gold that is information in the Information Age, and how to run a bidding war to ensure you are selling your Appropriated Data to the highest bidder. Or you can electronically mine actual gold, mining the bank accounts of others and transferring the contents to a series of untraceable offshore accounts we will teach you to set up. Hackers will inherit the earth, and Doctor Hacker will inherit the lion's share!
Doctor of Political Manipulation (DPM): The modern political landscape is far different from the one still being taught in most universities, but here at BC.CU we teach the Modern Rules of The Game, mainly, that there are no rules anymore! Slander, lies, fear-mongering and histrionics are the hard currency of modern electoral politics, and that's what wins hearts and minds! Especially weak minds, who re eager to contribute money they cannot afford to a cause that promises them unrealistic prosperity. Issues-based political campaigning is a thing of the past and today's candidates run on platforms of demonizing the opposition and accusing them of actively preventing "the rest of us" (always include yourself in the great We) from returning to a fabricated idyllic golden age. It doesn't matter what you tell people what America used to be like before the godless drug addicted transvestites took over, the voters you are targeting know jack about history or the U.S. Constitution.
If that doesn't work you can always steal an election (see above; Doctor of Computer Appropriation). And we teach potential political operatives the latest successful techniques, such as focussing on as broad a base of the white majority as is possible, and convincing them they are an oppressed, long-sufering minority, with the inference being, that somebody is responsible for their downtrodden condition. Let them fill in their own pet "somebodies," and you will win the bigot vote as well. Political fortunes have been made this way. New catch phrase: Selective Inclusion.
Doctor of Journalistics: No, that's not a typo meaning "Doctor of Journalism." Journalistics is the new science of broadcasting, not what is actually happening, any fool can do that, but what you want people to think is happening. Huge dif. Old school schools are turning out unemployable Journalism Majors eager to report world events, dig for facts, obtain quotes from the main players, follow a strict code of ethics and present their findings in a neutral manner and yada yada yada... How yesterday is that? The Journalistician, on the other hand, cuts right to the chase and tells us that Most People Think such-and-such, or better yet, "most right-thinking people," and only then report the news!
We here at bobcrespo.com know that humans want to be right, want to be in some semblance of harmony with their neighbors, and so we teach our Journalisticians to: (A) React with Realistic Irrational Anger (RIA) to a great many things and Weep Buckets (WB) over meaningless things, and (B) edit every story to make it seem that our way of life is being threatened by Godless drug addicted transvestites. Some people desperately want to be part of Most People and will repeat anything you make up off the top of your head as if were proven truth. You will master these skills and many more at BC.CU. This degree is an express elevator to the top of the Big Media pile!
Doctor of Corporatology: Move over Harvard MBAs with all your supply and demand, market forces and good quality for fair prices claptrap! Have you not been following the events of the past decade? Market Motivation is where it's at! Screw what is actually being produced! Forecast Economics is what we teach, to sell your bonds and other financial products based on what they will be worth 2 years from now according to your own best guess. And who's to say for sure the economy won't double in size? If anyone disagrees, let them make up their own rosy forecast and sell their own damned bonds.
That's the beauty of today's market, any number can play! To most people, the market is what the traders say it is, not what is really is. There are countless "expert" forecasters selling their own best guesses to their loyal clients for a tidy profit. That's called Advanced Perception Management and a valuable executive tool in a world where fortunes change hands without so much as a clothespin being manufactured, but instead in the sacred belief that by God, we sure could make a fine clothespin if we felt like it! Nothing less than a Doctorate from Bobcrespo.com Online University will equip you to navigate these high stakes poker games using everyone else's money!
On the above advanced degrees, great fortunes are made. American Business has evolved past the surly physical world of products, assets and production, and into the ethereal realm of gossamer dreams bought and sold with the speed of a game of hot potato, and the last one holding the bag loses. Politics, Science and Journalism have evolved along these lines as well, having finally fallen more into line with what most people think.
Let the "control freaks," "alarmists" and "truth nuts," who spend their days with their noses buried in books or test tubes in their dark and mysterious laboratories and libraries worry about "digging for facts" when the only ones that matter are the facts of life, namely that he who is prepared, eats, and he who is best prepared, eats the most! The Age of Perception Management is upon us and we believe that people deserve an online university they can be proud of, one that supports this nation, our flag, our cherished common values and our valiant soldiers and blessed veterans! Enroll now and get and American Flag lapel pin for a reasonable price!
More importantly, enrolling at BC.CU gives you Student Status, explaining that embarrassing years-long lapse on your work resume that most Americans have these days. Unlike other Online Universities, BC.CU will not offer advanced degrees in the stale old subjects that have been contributing to the complete unemployability of their students. Looking at the moonscape that is today's economy, we are tailoring our curriculum to offer careers in the fields where the money is today: The financial services, politics, computer engineering and popular science.
When the rules of mathematics and prudent financial investment are being rewritten daily by the leading practitioners in the financial industries, who needs another Certified Public Accountant or Doctor of Economics trained in the old ways, using the old math? Banks, credit corporations and investment houses won't touch those misinformed fools who think the game is on the level!
Instead, we turn out Doctors of Creative Accounting (DCAs), real-world savvy professionals adept at getting numbers to say whatever the boss needs them to say. Any fool can write "one plus one equals two," and guess what? No one wants to hear that crap anymore!
When $7 trillion "disappeared" in 2008, it only disappeared from some people's pockets and reappeared in the pockets of other people; really, really rich people. Remember, Physics 101 informed us that matter can neither be created or destroyed, and neither can wealth. But as millions and millions of us found out the hard way, it can sure be moved from hand to hand faster than you can say "Impoverished Golden Years."
A doctorate in Creative Accounting from Bocrespo.com University could have armed investors with the knowledge of how today's markets actually work, not how they are supposed to work. Don't forget, the players set the rules these days! Why pretend otherwise? Learn to be a player at BC.CU!
For example, when the drastic over-evaluation of everything that exists, combined with the financial industry's selling Mud Futures and Wind Bonds on world markets as if they were real things, a trained DCA would have bailed, knowing the fix was in, and even turned a tidy profit by betting against his country's economy.
At BC.CU, our curriculum reflects current realities, not academic pipe dreams or antiquated, arbitrary "Scholastic Standards." In keeping with this hard-nose approach to higher education, we will be offering advance university degrees in the following subjects as well:
Doctor of Popular Science: A scientist first and foremost has to eat, just like anybody else, and these days, a scientist's bread is buttered thickest in the employ of large corporations. What is science but explaining the unexplainable to non-scientists? So who's to say what is absolute truth? For all anyone really knows, the world is actually cooling, asbestos is harmless and tobacco is just a fun, cool weed. And with the letters Ph.D after your name, you can command instant respect and a huge salary to explain to the authorities and the general public that your company's policy of dumping oil slag in the local ecosytem is actually vital "Environmental Lubrication."
Doctor of Computer Appropriation: Learn to access information from any computer anywhere. If you are technically gifted and understand computers, why waste your time solving logistics problems for your stupid fat cat bosses at a fraction of their bloated salaries? At BC.CU you will learn how to mine the computer memories of any computer anywhere for the gold that is information in the Information Age, and how to run a bidding war to ensure you are selling your Appropriated Data to the highest bidder. Or you can electronically mine actual gold, mining the bank accounts of others and transferring the contents to a series of untraceable offshore accounts we will teach you to set up. Hackers will inherit the earth, and Doctor Hacker will inherit the lion's share!
Doctor of Political Manipulation (DPM): The modern political landscape is far different from the one still being taught in most universities, but here at BC.CU we teach the Modern Rules of The Game, mainly, that there are no rules anymore! Slander, lies, fear-mongering and histrionics are the hard currency of modern electoral politics, and that's what wins hearts and minds! Especially weak minds, who re eager to contribute money they cannot afford to a cause that promises them unrealistic prosperity. Issues-based political campaigning is a thing of the past and today's candidates run on platforms of demonizing the opposition and accusing them of actively preventing "the rest of us" (always include yourself in the great We) from returning to a fabricated idyllic golden age. It doesn't matter what you tell people what America used to be like before the godless drug addicted transvestites took over, the voters you are targeting know jack about history or the U.S. Constitution.
If that doesn't work you can always steal an election (see above; Doctor of Computer Appropriation). And we teach potential political operatives the latest successful techniques, such as focussing on as broad a base of the white majority as is possible, and convincing them they are an oppressed, long-sufering minority, with the inference being, that somebody is responsible for their downtrodden condition. Let them fill in their own pet "somebodies," and you will win the bigot vote as well. Political fortunes have been made this way. New catch phrase: Selective Inclusion.
Doctor of Journalistics: No, that's not a typo meaning "Doctor of Journalism." Journalistics is the new science of broadcasting, not what is actually happening, any fool can do that, but what you want people to think is happening. Huge dif. Old school schools are turning out unemployable Journalism Majors eager to report world events, dig for facts, obtain quotes from the main players, follow a strict code of ethics and present their findings in a neutral manner and yada yada yada... How yesterday is that? The Journalistician, on the other hand, cuts right to the chase and tells us that Most People Think such-and-such, or better yet, "most right-thinking people," and only then report the news!
We here at bobcrespo.com know that humans want to be right, want to be in some semblance of harmony with their neighbors, and so we teach our Journalisticians to: (A) React with Realistic Irrational Anger (RIA) to a great many things and Weep Buckets (WB) over meaningless things, and (B) edit every story to make it seem that our way of life is being threatened by Godless drug addicted transvestites. Some people desperately want to be part of Most People and will repeat anything you make up off the top of your head as if were proven truth. You will master these skills and many more at BC.CU. This degree is an express elevator to the top of the Big Media pile!
Doctor of Corporatology: Move over Harvard MBAs with all your supply and demand, market forces and good quality for fair prices claptrap! Have you not been following the events of the past decade? Market Motivation is where it's at! Screw what is actually being produced! Forecast Economics is what we teach, to sell your bonds and other financial products based on what they will be worth 2 years from now according to your own best guess. And who's to say for sure the economy won't double in size? If anyone disagrees, let them make up their own rosy forecast and sell their own damned bonds.
That's the beauty of today's market, any number can play! To most people, the market is what the traders say it is, not what is really is. There are countless "expert" forecasters selling their own best guesses to their loyal clients for a tidy profit. That's called Advanced Perception Management and a valuable executive tool in a world where fortunes change hands without so much as a clothespin being manufactured, but instead in the sacred belief that by God, we sure could make a fine clothespin if we felt like it! Nothing less than a Doctorate from Bobcrespo.com Online University will equip you to navigate these high stakes poker games using everyone else's money!
On the above advanced degrees, great fortunes are made. American Business has evolved past the surly physical world of products, assets and production, and into the ethereal realm of gossamer dreams bought and sold with the speed of a game of hot potato, and the last one holding the bag loses. Politics, Science and Journalism have evolved along these lines as well, having finally fallen more into line with what most people think.
Let the "control freaks," "alarmists" and "truth nuts," who spend their days with their noses buried in books or test tubes in their dark and mysterious laboratories and libraries worry about "digging for facts" when the only ones that matter are the facts of life, namely that he who is prepared, eats, and he who is best prepared, eats the most! The Age of Perception Management is upon us and we believe that people deserve an online university they can be proud of, one that supports this nation, our flag, our cherished common values and our valiant soldiers and blessed veterans! Enroll now and get and American Flag lapel pin for a reasonable price!
THE 2010 TWO QUICK SLAPS AWARDS
It's that time again! 2010 is a now a memory and here at bobcrespo.com it is our honor once again to present the annual Two Quick Slaps Awards. Looking back over this past year, there has been no shortage of deserving candidates who have exhibited behavior more than worthy of being the recipient of two quick hard slaps from our guest panel. Rotten behavior was of such breathtaking range and depth in 2010 that it was extremely difficult to narrow it down to the winners, and we respect any disagreement readers may have with our final selections. Without further ado we present The 2010 Quick Slap Awards:
The No More Mister Nice Guy Award: And the Two Quick Slaps go to .... Jay Leno! Once the domain of perennial favorites Mel Gibson, Charley Sheen and Gary Busey, Jay earned his slaps in 2010 by stabbing his Tonight Show successor Conan O"Brien in the back and reclaiming his job after only a few months, which is how long it took for it to be painfully obvious
that America didn't feel like watching him do an exact replica of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno under a different name at 10 PM.
The Sky Is Falling Award (Right Wing): Glen Beck wins his second straight set of Two Quick Slaps for fear mongering, lying, shilling for corporate interests and his overall hallucinatory demeanor, wresting the coveted award from years of domination by Bull O'Really and Flush Limberger.
The Sky Is Falling Award (Left Wing): Perennial winner Keith Olberman wins again for his cartoonish pomposity and unfounded accusations above and beyond the call of blowhardiness. Give the man Two Quick Slaps!
New Category! The 2010 Agricultural Bioterrorism Award: Monsanto Corporation Chairman and CEO Hugh Grant, for imitating the crop and livestock-annihilating James Bond villain Ernst Blofield, complete with shiny bald head and thick accent, bent on replacing the whole world's crops with inferior seeds of his own design and bending humanity to his will. Two Quick Slaps to you, sir!
The How Can We Miss You If You Won't Go Away Award: Given to the public figure that most wears out their welcome, the 2010 choice was a no brainer. Give Two Quick Slaps to Brett Favre for retiring from and coming back to pro football once too often. After an outstanding Hall Of Fame career as a quarterback with the Green Bay Packers, Mr. Favre couldn't bring himself to quit with his reputation intact. Instead, he ruined the football programs of 2 other teams in pursuit of 300 consecutive games started and fell one short of than meaningless goal, and so consoled himself by e-mailing pictures of his penis to a cheerleader and getting seriously injured on the field after an embarrassing season-long display of eroding skills. Good riddance, and Two Quick Slaps to you!
The I'm So Fucking Weird That Maybe You Should Elect Me President Award: Unprecedented in the annals of the Two Quick Slap Awards, there were too many candidates to choose a winner. Readers may insert the lunatic of heir choice here, while bobcrespo.com gives Honorable Mention to Dennis Kucinich, Mit Romney, Newt Gingrich and Tina Fey. Let's just call it a tie and give all our favorite Bizarro World politicians Two Quick Slaps!
The Earnest Rock Star Award: Here at bobcrespo.com, we prefer our Rock & Roll Stars be wild raving lunatics who think about nothing but their music and the only things they want to "Save" are vintage guitars. Hey, when you can write songs like John Lennon, then we'll talk about you being an half as effective an activist! As well as writing half the Beatles' catalogue, he made Nixon's Enemies List, was interviewed by his days' giants of journalism, and who's name is practically synonymous with peace! You get praised by cable hairdos who smile when they speak. And what the fuck is so important about keeping Isolated Amazon Tribes isolated except to taunt the poor sons-of-bitches with our iPods and smoothy blenders? The Two Quick Slaps For Pomposity And Condescension Above And Beyond The Call Of Celebrity goes to... Bono! Now take your slaps, son, and go make that one great record your band might have left in you.
The Just For The Hell Of It Because You're Stupid And Annoying Award: The 2010 prize for all around worthlessness goes to Sarah Palin, Queen of Being Famous For Being Famous. Normally this goes to some airhead celebrity like Paris Hilton who has no job or talent but plenty of money, but Ms. Palin more than qualified, she dominated, when she quit her job as Governor of Alaska because there was just so much more of America where she felt it her duty to Spread The Stupid. And spread the the stupid she certainly has, exhibiting a jaw-dropping breadth and depth of stupidity not seen since the McCarthy Era! Unfortunately, Ms. Palin refused to collect her award in person since we couldn't pay her $100,000 for the night, so feel free to bestow her Two Quick Slaps if you see her.
The Lifetime Achievement Award: For a lifetime spent in the public spotlight, almost every single moment of it spent getting on people's nerves in a big way, The Two Quick Slaps Lifetime Achievement award goes to... Donald Trump! That's right, it's The Donald, ladies andgentlemen, past winner of four Two Quick Slap Awards in both the Bad Architecture and Broadcasting Ineptitude categories, has shown a tireless capacity for being a Supreme Asshole, an ego-ridden bully and a serial trophy wife hunter. Give the man his Two Quick Slaps and send him on his way!
The No More Mister Nice Guy Award: And the Two Quick Slaps go to .... Jay Leno! Once the domain of perennial favorites Mel Gibson, Charley Sheen and Gary Busey, Jay earned his slaps in 2010 by stabbing his Tonight Show successor Conan O"Brien in the back and reclaiming his job after only a few months, which is how long it took for it to be painfully obvious
that America didn't feel like watching him do an exact replica of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno under a different name at 10 PM.
The Sky Is Falling Award (Right Wing): Glen Beck wins his second straight set of Two Quick Slaps for fear mongering, lying, shilling for corporate interests and his overall hallucinatory demeanor, wresting the coveted award from years of domination by Bull O'Really and Flush Limberger.
The Sky Is Falling Award (Left Wing): Perennial winner Keith Olberman wins again for his cartoonish pomposity and unfounded accusations above and beyond the call of blowhardiness. Give the man Two Quick Slaps!
New Category! The 2010 Agricultural Bioterrorism Award: Monsanto Corporation Chairman and CEO Hugh Grant, for imitating the crop and livestock-annihilating James Bond villain Ernst Blofield, complete with shiny bald head and thick accent, bent on replacing the whole world's crops with inferior seeds of his own design and bending humanity to his will. Two Quick Slaps to you, sir!
The How Can We Miss You If You Won't Go Away Award: Given to the public figure that most wears out their welcome, the 2010 choice was a no brainer. Give Two Quick Slaps to Brett Favre for retiring from and coming back to pro football once too often. After an outstanding Hall Of Fame career as a quarterback with the Green Bay Packers, Mr. Favre couldn't bring himself to quit with his reputation intact. Instead, he ruined the football programs of 2 other teams in pursuit of 300 consecutive games started and fell one short of than meaningless goal, and so consoled himself by e-mailing pictures of his penis to a cheerleader and getting seriously injured on the field after an embarrassing season-long display of eroding skills. Good riddance, and Two Quick Slaps to you!
The I'm So Fucking Weird That Maybe You Should Elect Me President Award: Unprecedented in the annals of the Two Quick Slap Awards, there were too many candidates to choose a winner. Readers may insert the lunatic of heir choice here, while bobcrespo.com gives Honorable Mention to Dennis Kucinich, Mit Romney, Newt Gingrich and Tina Fey. Let's just call it a tie and give all our favorite Bizarro World politicians Two Quick Slaps!
The Earnest Rock Star Award: Here at bobcrespo.com, we prefer our Rock & Roll Stars be wild raving lunatics who think about nothing but their music and the only things they want to "Save" are vintage guitars. Hey, when you can write songs like John Lennon, then we'll talk about you being an half as effective an activist! As well as writing half the Beatles' catalogue, he made Nixon's Enemies List, was interviewed by his days' giants of journalism, and who's name is practically synonymous with peace! You get praised by cable hairdos who smile when they speak. And what the fuck is so important about keeping Isolated Amazon Tribes isolated except to taunt the poor sons-of-bitches with our iPods and smoothy blenders? The Two Quick Slaps For Pomposity And Condescension Above And Beyond The Call Of Celebrity goes to... Bono! Now take your slaps, son, and go make that one great record your band might have left in you.
The Just For The Hell Of It Because You're Stupid And Annoying Award: The 2010 prize for all around worthlessness goes to Sarah Palin, Queen of Being Famous For Being Famous. Normally this goes to some airhead celebrity like Paris Hilton who has no job or talent but plenty of money, but Ms. Palin more than qualified, she dominated, when she quit her job as Governor of Alaska because there was just so much more of America where she felt it her duty to Spread The Stupid. And spread the the stupid she certainly has, exhibiting a jaw-dropping breadth and depth of stupidity not seen since the McCarthy Era! Unfortunately, Ms. Palin refused to collect her award in person since we couldn't pay her $100,000 for the night, so feel free to bestow her Two Quick Slaps if you see her.
The Lifetime Achievement Award: For a lifetime spent in the public spotlight, almost every single moment of it spent getting on people's nerves in a big way, The Two Quick Slaps Lifetime Achievement award goes to... Donald Trump! That's right, it's The Donald, ladies andgentlemen, past winner of four Two Quick Slap Awards in both the Bad Architecture and Broadcasting Ineptitude categories, has shown a tireless capacity for being a Supreme Asshole, an ego-ridden bully and a serial trophy wife hunter. Give the man his Two Quick Slaps and send him on his way!
January 6, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 766
When they outlaw being really, really fat, then really, really fat people will be outlaws. Sort of amusing and easy to catch outlaws, too.
HOW COMPUTERS SAVED THE WORLD AND DROVE US NUTS: A BRIEF HISTORY OF MAN AND MACHINE
Like a great many websites lining the Information Superhighway, at
The world is changing faster than our ability to adjust to its new realities. You may find yourself dreading every Steve Jobs press conference, seemingly designed to expose you in particular as being hopelessly behind the times and unlikely to catch up as he calmly informs us that that last gadget you couldn't make heads or tails of 3 months ago is now hopelessly antiquated. The Information Age can be pretty abrasive to the egos of the tech-challenged.
Ages of Man used to unfold slowly over many centuries, changing only gradually, all but imperceptible to individual generations of men. This went on until somebody stumbled upon Fire, Bronze or Iron and then we'd start a New Age of Man based on these substances. The Ages overlapped a little bit, and the first people to embrace each New Age of Man with it's newfangled substance generally considered heretics, sorcerers and/or madmen. As such they were either shunned, deported or slain in sacrifice to some God or another until finally one of them figured out how to make a better weapon, and then they and their God were in charge of the New Age.
In this way the peoples of the Earth were distributed, with those having the better swords and spears inhabiting the choicest, most hospitable and productive real estate, while those slow to embrace the new technology were relegated to becoming the bitter, wretched inhabitants of the deserts, frozen barren wastes and malarial swamps of this world.
No one willingly moved to the Sahara Desert, but it was either that or becoming slaves of the Better Weapons People and put to work building them pyramids and luxury condos while some sideways-walking Egyptian overseer with an attitude laid in on thick with the cat-o-nine-tails.
And so it went throughout history; slow, imperceptible changes in the fortunes of mankind, with nations and empires rising and falling, different tribes taking turns living large in lush valleys or languishing in barren heaps of rubble raising scrawny goats, until the invention of ocean-going vessels and camels brought traders to nearly every remote outpost of humanity.
Disparate cultures and civilizations communicated, intermingled and swapped ideas and material goods, always a prelude to sending in the Marines and attempting to eradicate said disparate culture and their crazy ideas, and then stealing all their material goods and enslaving the survivors. Nothing says "My god is tougher than your God" like putting the enemy king's severed head on a pike and taking his wife and daughters as your concubines.
Where traders go, conquering armies follow, and The Age of Navigation and The Age of Walking Thousands of Miles Across Asia Behind Ornery Camels eventually ushered in the The Age of Colonialism, a chance for filthy, inbred and ignorant European kings to reinvent themselves as a combination Julius Caesar/Alexander the Great simply because they were about 20 years ahead of the rest of the world in Weapons Tech.
This was a Glorious Age For Europe, with even the tiniest slivers of reclaimed sea beds masquerading as nations like Holland claiming Vast Empires Carved Out of Other People's Countries. For the conquered lands, not so much with the glory. Civilizations were destroyed, national wealth and natural resources stolen, and billions subjugated in the name of God and King.
It seems both the Iron Age and the Age of Navigation weren't kind to those slow to embrace their new technology, and over the course of several centuries, the world was transformed into enclaves of Haves and Have-Nots, with the Have-Nots being in the vast majority, but powerless to change things while the Conquistadors had all the cannons.
Then somebody stumbled upon Factories and The Industrial Revolution was born, with the resulting machinery transforming daily life for the better in a matter of a few short decades for the Haves, and Raining Mass-Produced-Slaughter on the Have-Nots as each generation of weapons grew larger and more deadly. This had a fairly traumatic and decidedly negative impact on the daily lives of most people.
To say that the industrial Revolution didn't work out equitably for all would be a huge understatement, even in the victorious nations, where millions of citizens labored in conditions resembling Dante's 8 Circles of Hell in order to provide sturdy wrought iron gates for the castles of their "betters."
Then a couple of bicycle mechanics from Ohio got this brainstorm that men ought to be able to fly and Bingo!, the Age of Aviation flew in. Never a people to take a beneficial gift at face value, humanity thought how much better it would be if these new flying machines could also kill a lot of people and within 40 years a whole bunch of the Great Cities of The World were bombed from the sky until Europe and Asia was dotted with Great Smoking Ruins, the work of many centuries destroyed, 60 million killed and a world gone mad.
The Age of Aviation became The Age Of Blowing Stuff Up in a Really Big Way when enterprising scientists collaborated on freeing the almost limitless power of the split atom (another potential bonanza for humanity that we fucked up completely) and turning it into a weapon that could lay waste to an entire city and all its inhabitants in the blink of an eye, a chore that used to take guys like Caesar and Napoleon the better part of a year to accomplish.
And like any other weapon, why build only one when you can build thousands and thousands and thousands of them? Before long the world was bristling with nuclear warhead-tipped rockets like some earth-eating porcupine, with of course only the Have nations owning these things while the Have-Nots cowered in fear hoping that the Haves wouldn't kill everybody on earth 10 times over like they tried to do during World War 2. With so many itchy trigger finger fingers on so many nuclear bombs, it seemed as if the Final Age of Man was upon us, The Age of Kiss Our Asses Goodbye.
Enter the computer. Cooler heads in the countries with all the nuclear weapons (The Haves) figured out that they weren't any good as anything but deterrents since their enemies had them too, but were very worried about the many psychotic hotheads in their respective ranks flying off the handle and launching nuclear missiles in a fit of pique. That just would not do. They needed a way to figure out how to keep on building bigger and bigger bombs, but also a way not to launch any of them! Why kill the Golden Goose of Imperialism for everybody?
And so the Haves Nations installed computer filters in their weapons systems, providing several complex layers of safety codes, entrusted to several different individuals, between the insane rage necessary to blow up the world and the actual doing of it. Miraculously, the Cold War came and went without a single nuclear weapon being fired in the heat of anger, in no short measure due to the Fail-Safe protocols and their computer-enforced cooling off period.
Not only did computers help humans not blow up everythng on earth, they also helped us send a bunch of guys to the Moon. Of course to accomplish this, those house-sized early computers had to be greatly reduced in size to fly into outer space, and so silicon chips were invented, things were super-miniaturized, and the Space Age was launched. That Age flew by in in a matter of decades, or until we hit the Stop Sign of Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
That spoilsport smartypants Albert Einstein explained that nothing can travel faster than light, not unless we invent some shortcuts through the space/time continuum. Until someone yells "Eureka" in some physics lab somewhere when they invent the Portable Black Hole, The Space Age is on hold until we can figure out how to reach the stars in under 10,000 years. For the first time, an Age of Man was born and died within individual people's lifetimes.
Not to worry. It seemed that we were so pleased with our computers for not blowing the up the world and getting the Space Age started, we decided that these would be neat things to have in every home, sort of like a toaster that does something other than burn your breakfast. And so the Personal Computer was born and then the cell phone, and then Youtube and Spam, followed closely by laptop computers, phones smarter than we are, and iPads, whatever the hell it is that they are supposed to do.
The Information Age is upon us with such an unrelenting vengeance that some of us reeling technophobes are calling it The Too-Much-Information Age, and frankly losing touch with reality. It is not uncommon to find us accosting random teenagers on the street and begging them to come to our homes and teach us how to deal with our high tech devices.
They tell us to hang on for a year or so and the necessary learning chips will be installed directly into our skulls, giving the term "personal computer" a whole new meaning. While on the face of it this sounds absurd, signs do point to a New Age of Man approaching more swiftly than ever, a time when these ultra-powerful computers and communications devices will be miniaturized to the point of near-invibility so that the only way we can handle them is to have them installed in our brain synapses.
Of course now we have to worry that our speed of thought will never be swift enough to accommodate these super-fast devices, and hope against hope that we don't end our days building pyramids for our modern Pharoahs from instructions Tweeted into our Brains by the High Geeks while those who have mastered the new technology will be laying around eating peeled grapes and conducting orgies behind their sturdy gates.
On the bright side, maybe the computers in our brains will do us the same favor it did for the Cold Warriors and put a few roadblocks in our road to warfare and ruin. And maybe even send a few more of us to the Moon.
This has been a special history report from bobcrespo.com on exactly what happened.
we try to be civic minded virtual citizens by providing all sorts of free information and services, whether or not anyone sought it. We all now have the means to learn everything there is to know about copper rivets, Collared Peccaries or building a meth lab in a school locker, not exactly fascinating fields of study for most of us, but people send you this stuff and you absentmindedly read it or view it in the vague hope it will entertaining, and before you know it you know more than you ever wanted to know about KIng Olav IV of Sweden.bobcrespo.com
The world is changing faster than our ability to adjust to its new realities. You may find yourself dreading every Steve Jobs press conference, seemingly designed to expose you in particular as being hopelessly behind the times and unlikely to catch up as he calmly informs us that that last gadget you couldn't make heads or tails of 3 months ago is now hopelessly antiquated. The Information Age can be pretty abrasive to the egos of the tech-challenged.
Ages of Man used to unfold slowly over many centuries, changing only gradually, all but imperceptible to individual generations of men. This went on until somebody stumbled upon Fire, Bronze or Iron and then we'd start a New Age of Man based on these substances. The Ages overlapped a little bit, and the first people to embrace each New Age of Man with it's newfangled substance generally considered heretics, sorcerers and/or madmen. As such they were either shunned, deported or slain in sacrifice to some God or another until finally one of them figured out how to make a better weapon, and then they and their God were in charge of the New Age.
In this way the peoples of the Earth were distributed, with those having the better swords and spears inhabiting the choicest, most hospitable and productive real estate, while those slow to embrace the new technology were relegated to becoming the bitter, wretched inhabitants of the deserts, frozen barren wastes and malarial swamps of this world.
No one willingly moved to the Sahara Desert, but it was either that or becoming slaves of the Better Weapons People and put to work building them pyramids and luxury condos while some sideways-walking Egyptian overseer with an attitude laid in on thick with the cat-o-nine-tails.
And so it went throughout history; slow, imperceptible changes in the fortunes of mankind, with nations and empires rising and falling, different tribes taking turns living large in lush valleys or languishing in barren heaps of rubble raising scrawny goats, until the invention of ocean-going vessels and camels brought traders to nearly every remote outpost of humanity.
Disparate cultures and civilizations communicated, intermingled and swapped ideas and material goods, always a prelude to sending in the Marines and attempting to eradicate said disparate culture and their crazy ideas, and then stealing all their material goods and enslaving the survivors. Nothing says "My god is tougher than your God" like putting the enemy king's severed head on a pike and taking his wife and daughters as your concubines.
Where traders go, conquering armies follow, and The Age of Navigation and The Age of Walking Thousands of Miles Across Asia Behind Ornery Camels eventually ushered in the The Age of Colonialism, a chance for filthy, inbred and ignorant European kings to reinvent themselves as a combination Julius Caesar/Alexander the Great simply because they were about 20 years ahead of the rest of the world in Weapons Tech.
This was a Glorious Age For Europe, with even the tiniest slivers of reclaimed sea beds masquerading as nations like Holland claiming Vast Empires Carved Out of Other People's Countries. For the conquered lands, not so much with the glory. Civilizations were destroyed, national wealth and natural resources stolen, and billions subjugated in the name of God and King.
It seems both the Iron Age and the Age of Navigation weren't kind to those slow to embrace their new technology, and over the course of several centuries, the world was transformed into enclaves of Haves and Have-Nots, with the Have-Nots being in the vast majority, but powerless to change things while the Conquistadors had all the cannons.
Then somebody stumbled upon Factories and The Industrial Revolution was born, with the resulting machinery transforming daily life for the better in a matter of a few short decades for the Haves, and Raining Mass-Produced-Slaughter on the Have-Nots as each generation of weapons grew larger and more deadly. This had a fairly traumatic and decidedly negative impact on the daily lives of most people.
To say that the industrial Revolution didn't work out equitably for all would be a huge understatement, even in the victorious nations, where millions of citizens labored in conditions resembling Dante's 8 Circles of Hell in order to provide sturdy wrought iron gates for the castles of their "betters."
Then a couple of bicycle mechanics from Ohio got this brainstorm that men ought to be able to fly and Bingo!, the Age of Aviation flew in. Never a people to take a beneficial gift at face value, humanity thought how much better it would be if these new flying machines could also kill a lot of people and within 40 years a whole bunch of the Great Cities of The World were bombed from the sky until Europe and Asia was dotted with Great Smoking Ruins, the work of many centuries destroyed, 60 million killed and a world gone mad.
The Age of Aviation became The Age Of Blowing Stuff Up in a Really Big Way when enterprising scientists collaborated on freeing the almost limitless power of the split atom (another potential bonanza for humanity that we fucked up completely) and turning it into a weapon that could lay waste to an entire city and all its inhabitants in the blink of an eye, a chore that used to take guys like Caesar and Napoleon the better part of a year to accomplish.
And like any other weapon, why build only one when you can build thousands and thousands and thousands of them? Before long the world was bristling with nuclear warhead-tipped rockets like some earth-eating porcupine, with of course only the Have nations owning these things while the Have-Nots cowered in fear hoping that the Haves wouldn't kill everybody on earth 10 times over like they tried to do during World War 2. With so many itchy trigger finger fingers on so many nuclear bombs, it seemed as if the Final Age of Man was upon us, The Age of Kiss Our Asses Goodbye.
Enter the computer. Cooler heads in the countries with all the nuclear weapons (The Haves) figured out that they weren't any good as anything but deterrents since their enemies had them too, but were very worried about the many psychotic hotheads in their respective ranks flying off the handle and launching nuclear missiles in a fit of pique. That just would not do. They needed a way to figure out how to keep on building bigger and bigger bombs, but also a way not to launch any of them! Why kill the Golden Goose of Imperialism for everybody?
And so the Haves Nations installed computer filters in their weapons systems, providing several complex layers of safety codes, entrusted to several different individuals, between the insane rage necessary to blow up the world and the actual doing of it. Miraculously, the Cold War came and went without a single nuclear weapon being fired in the heat of anger, in no short measure due to the Fail-Safe protocols and their computer-enforced cooling off period.
Not only did computers help humans not blow up everythng on earth, they also helped us send a bunch of guys to the Moon. Of course to accomplish this, those house-sized early computers had to be greatly reduced in size to fly into outer space, and so silicon chips were invented, things were super-miniaturized, and the Space Age was launched. That Age flew by in in a matter of decades, or until we hit the Stop Sign of Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
That spoilsport smartypants Albert Einstein explained that nothing can travel faster than light, not unless we invent some shortcuts through the space/time continuum. Until someone yells "Eureka" in some physics lab somewhere when they invent the Portable Black Hole, The Space Age is on hold until we can figure out how to reach the stars in under 10,000 years. For the first time, an Age of Man was born and died within individual people's lifetimes.
Not to worry. It seemed that we were so pleased with our computers for not blowing the up the world and getting the Space Age started, we decided that these would be neat things to have in every home, sort of like a toaster that does something other than burn your breakfast. And so the Personal Computer was born and then the cell phone, and then Youtube and Spam, followed closely by laptop computers, phones smarter than we are, and iPads, whatever the hell it is that they are supposed to do.
The Information Age is upon us with such an unrelenting vengeance that some of us reeling technophobes are calling it The Too-Much-Information Age, and frankly losing touch with reality. It is not uncommon to find us accosting random teenagers on the street and begging them to come to our homes and teach us how to deal with our high tech devices.
They tell us to hang on for a year or so and the necessary learning chips will be installed directly into our skulls, giving the term "personal computer" a whole new meaning. While on the face of it this sounds absurd, signs do point to a New Age of Man approaching more swiftly than ever, a time when these ultra-powerful computers and communications devices will be miniaturized to the point of near-invibility so that the only way we can handle them is to have them installed in our brain synapses.
Of course now we have to worry that our speed of thought will never be swift enough to accommodate these super-fast devices, and hope against hope that we don't end our days building pyramids for our modern Pharoahs from instructions Tweeted into our Brains by the High Geeks while those who have mastered the new technology will be laying around eating peeled grapes and conducting orgies behind their sturdy gates.
On the bright side, maybe the computers in our brains will do us the same favor it did for the Cold Warriors and put a few roadblocks in our road to warfare and ruin. And maybe even send a few more of us to the Moon.
This has been a special history report from bobcrespo.com on exactly what happened.
January 5, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 765
Pessimists only reward is that they are seldom disappointed, poor compensation for the bitter taste in their mouths.
MORE COMPUTER-GENERATED PREDICTIONS FOR 2O11
Bobcrespo.com, in our capacity as The Official Website For 2011, has been busy with our new computer program from Maxihard called Data Pool, which contains every bit of information about everything ever, and scrolling through the "Probabilities Chart" for predictions about the year 2011. We usually shy away from this sort of thing, what with it being a fool's game and all, but with our Computer-Generated Predictions, we have found a fool-proof way to See The Future. Look forward to these developments:
Twitter founder Jack Dorsey, the only guy to invent an internet phenomenon not to become an instant Boy Billionaire when he neglected to figure out how to make money from this free service, will go stark raving mad in 2011 when his 1997 Dodge Dart overheats in the driveway of his parents' house, where he still lives in the basement. Mark Zuckerberg, the 26 year-old multi-billionaire founder of Facebook, will Tweet his condolences from his villa on the French Riviera.
The newly-elected Tea Party Senators and Representatives will become disoriented and upset when they realize that they are now just another part of the government they wanted to overthrow and not the rulers of New America. Having lost their purpose in life, many will demand a recount.
American troops will begin leaving leave Afghanistan when its new president promises that his nation will return to its former status of being a politically neutral loose confederation of inbred tribes that sell hashish and opium to Westerners to maintain their 15th century lifestyle. Ambitious travel agents will sell "Where's Waldo" package tours to Americans who want to camp out in frigid, barren wastelands eating goat cheese while "leading the hunt" for Osama bin Laden with paint guns.
Wikileaks head honcho Julian Assange will be exonerated of the sex charges brought against him in Sweden when he points out that the sex in question took place in Sweden.
Speaking of Sweden, the Nobel Peace Prize will be cancelled until further notice, or until anyone actually delivers some peace.
The Tea Party will sour on Sarah Palin when she refuses to support making Timothy McVeigh's birthday a national holiday. Their new spokesperson will be David Dukes.
Jay Leno will get Conan O'Brien fired from his new cable show, just for the fun of it.
Bono and Sting will offer to acquire Brazilian last names if that nation halts its decimation of the rain forest populated by Isolated Amazon Tribes.
On a related note, The Confederation of Isolated Amazon Tribes will demand an end to their isolation and announce they will no longer serve as human lab rats for social scientists from the Discovery Channel. Their rallying cry will be "Kimo Sabe", which, roughly translated from Isolated Amazonian, means: "Can you hook a brother up with some air conditioning, a Chevy and some food we don't have to chase for 2 miles barefoot through the damned jungle because all we have are tiny little bows and arrows? And turn that fucking camera off!"
President Obama will earn Great Statesman points when he boldly declares that he has No Plan for Peace in The Middle East, pointing out that after uncounted centuries of mutual enmity, he has come to the conclusion that you could offer every Middle Easterner their weight in gold to give up their ancient hatreds and they'd still object. "They all lie just for the practice" he will explain, and declare that only the people who actually have to live in that godforsaken sand box are the ones who need to come up with a plan and America will waste no more time on the subject.
That vein in Glen Beck's forehead will finally burst in a bloody prime time spectacle, and the video clip will set a YouTube record for views.
Impaired by a stroke but determined to hold onto power in North Korea, Kim Jong Il will draw inspiration from Dick Clark's retirement strategy and name Ryan Seacrest as his eventual successor. Mr. Seacrest will accept the lucrative offer as "a golden ooportunity" and receive the title of Soon Dear Leader. His duties will entail making public appearances with President Kim and doing most of the talking.
The United Nations will respond to various international cases of genocide, war crimes and torture with a series of Scathing Committee Reports. After months of debate and deliberation, the delegates will also take a bold step to alleviate the starvation that claims over 20 million lives annually by passing a Non-Binding Invitation to form a committee to study the feasibility of extending World Hunger Week and renaming it World Hunger Fortnight.
Editors note: The predictions expressed above are solely the opinions of the computer program Data Pool and in no way reflect the policies of bobcrespo.com.
Twitter founder Jack Dorsey, the only guy to invent an internet phenomenon not to become an instant Boy Billionaire when he neglected to figure out how to make money from this free service, will go stark raving mad in 2011 when his 1997 Dodge Dart overheats in the driveway of his parents' house, where he still lives in the basement. Mark Zuckerberg, the 26 year-old multi-billionaire founder of Facebook, will Tweet his condolences from his villa on the French Riviera.
The newly-elected Tea Party Senators and Representatives will become disoriented and upset when they realize that they are now just another part of the government they wanted to overthrow and not the rulers of New America. Having lost their purpose in life, many will demand a recount.
American troops will begin leaving leave Afghanistan when its new president promises that his nation will return to its former status of being a politically neutral loose confederation of inbred tribes that sell hashish and opium to Westerners to maintain their 15th century lifestyle. Ambitious travel agents will sell "Where's Waldo" package tours to Americans who want to camp out in frigid, barren wastelands eating goat cheese while "leading the hunt" for Osama bin Laden with paint guns.
Wikileaks head honcho Julian Assange will be exonerated of the sex charges brought against him in Sweden when he points out that the sex in question took place in Sweden.
Speaking of Sweden, the Nobel Peace Prize will be cancelled until further notice, or until anyone actually delivers some peace.
The Tea Party will sour on Sarah Palin when she refuses to support making Timothy McVeigh's birthday a national holiday. Their new spokesperson will be David Dukes.
Jay Leno will get Conan O'Brien fired from his new cable show, just for the fun of it.
Bono and Sting will offer to acquire Brazilian last names if that nation halts its decimation of the rain forest populated by Isolated Amazon Tribes.
On a related note, The Confederation of Isolated Amazon Tribes will demand an end to their isolation and announce they will no longer serve as human lab rats for social scientists from the Discovery Channel. Their rallying cry will be "Kimo Sabe", which, roughly translated from Isolated Amazonian, means: "Can you hook a brother up with some air conditioning, a Chevy and some food we don't have to chase for 2 miles barefoot through the damned jungle because all we have are tiny little bows and arrows? And turn that fucking camera off!"
President Obama will earn Great Statesman points when he boldly declares that he has No Plan for Peace in The Middle East, pointing out that after uncounted centuries of mutual enmity, he has come to the conclusion that you could offer every Middle Easterner their weight in gold to give up their ancient hatreds and they'd still object. "They all lie just for the practice" he will explain, and declare that only the people who actually have to live in that godforsaken sand box are the ones who need to come up with a plan and America will waste no more time on the subject.
That vein in Glen Beck's forehead will finally burst in a bloody prime time spectacle, and the video clip will set a YouTube record for views.
Impaired by a stroke but determined to hold onto power in North Korea, Kim Jong Il will draw inspiration from Dick Clark's retirement strategy and name Ryan Seacrest as his eventual successor. Mr. Seacrest will accept the lucrative offer as "a golden ooportunity" and receive the title of Soon Dear Leader. His duties will entail making public appearances with President Kim and doing most of the talking.
The United Nations will respond to various international cases of genocide, war crimes and torture with a series of Scathing Committee Reports. After months of debate and deliberation, the delegates will also take a bold step to alleviate the starvation that claims over 20 million lives annually by passing a Non-Binding Invitation to form a committee to study the feasibility of extending World Hunger Week and renaming it World Hunger Fortnight.
Editors note: The predictions expressed above are solely the opinions of the computer program Data Pool and in no way reflect the policies of bobcrespo.com.
January 1, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 764
Just when you think all is lost, you could lose something else. Pessimists are right at least some of the time. Be careful out there.
COMPUTER GENERATED PREDICTIONS FOR 2011
Normally at bobcrespo.com, we don't go in for predicting the future, preferring a more reality-based forum, or at least as close to reality real as it gets around here. This year, however, we have the privilege to unveil the first Computer-Generated New Year's Predictions. There's a great new program available from Maxihard called Data Pool, a program that holds every single bit of information about everything ever. Now, some people might be interested in Data Pool to find out stuff about dinosaurs, or what Julius Caesar had for lunch on the Ides of March back in the day, but that's just so yesterday.
At bobcrespo.com, being The Official Website of 2011, well, we felt obligated to giving you a Glimpse of the Future. You want historical and intellectual, get your own copy of Data Pool! There's lots of cool info in there, including the Secret To Life and who killed JFK and the like, but we went right to the "Probabilities Chart" and scrolled down to The Future.
And guess what? Taking the history of everything that ever happened into account, Data Pool sorts out the probabilities, evaluates the players, computes the odds and spits out a likely list of possible, probable and almost definite scenarios, along with the odds of them occurring. The following list is from Data Pool's 98.6% Guaranteed Predictions For 2011. Pretty bold talk for a computer program, but there you have it. Here goes:
Lindsay Lohan will make headlines for giving a great performance in an important movie. And getting drunk. Okay, just kidding about the first part. What, a computer can't have a sense of humor? Hater.
Sarah Palin will say something very stupid. Millions of seemingly well adjusted people will trip over themselves defending her. She'll do it again. So will they.
Newscasters nationwide will continue to be shocked and mystified by the changing of the seasons and the variety and force of the weather that human beings experience on the only planet they have ever inhabited.
A flood, an earthquake and a volcano will happen somewhere, triggering the usual End Of Days jabber from dimwits who have somehow been granted a Prime Time Pulpit.
The 24/7 Cable News outlets will continue to create stories out of nothing in order to give themselves something to do.
A Hollywood director will be given an obscene budget to make a movie about silly computer-generated violence with a confusing story, weak character development and overpaid stars playing the same person they do in every movie. There will be many explosions, gory deaths and impressive special effects and the director will be hailed as a genius. Meanwhile, the 15 other movies with interesting stories and compelling characters that could have been made with all that money will not make it past the ADD juveniles running the studios.
A senator, several congressmen and a handful of governors will engage in disgraceful behavior. All their wives will be anointed as modern saints.
The nation's financial industries will continue to play high stakes poker with other people's money, resulting in Lamborghinis, Mediterranean villas and Picassos for the bankers, and bread lines for the nation's workers.
Another fat rich bastard will announce that unemployment insurance is taking away people's incentive to look for a job, thus depriving him of the opportunity of selling the Last American Job overseas. A lot of underemployed fools who think they can be this guy someday will agree with him.
In a revival of ancient Egypt's practice of putting many thousands of people to work building a monument to their Pharoah, yet another repressive regime will begin work on the new World's Tallest Building in a country few people have even the slightest interest in visiting, gleaming tower or no gleaming tower.
Gay marriages will begin landing in divorce court, redefining messy divorce and prompting the gay community to wonder what the hell they were thinking, bitch!
The TV show "COPS" will applaud the shrinking economy, dispelling their fears that they were running out of poor white trash to publicly humiliate.
On a related note, poor white trash will continue to lend their political support to the people who keep them poor, calling it a "cultural pride" issue.
Critics will declare that Rock & Roll is dead while they promote some anemic-looking alienated weenie that makes annoying technology-based noise somewhat similar to music. Consumers will ignore them and rock on.
More people will vote every week for their favorite contestants on a reality show than will vote in the national elections. (100% guaranteed results for this one, thank you very much!)
Legislators in Arizona, after attending a history seminar informing them that The Great Wall of China was never effective in keeping out unwanted aliens, will halt construction on the Great Wall of Arizona and immediately break ground for The Great Flaming Moat of America. It will announced that British Petroleum will win the contract to supply the necessary crude oil with a bold plan to build a pipeline to Arizona from the surface of the Gulf of Mexico.
Steve Jobs will continue to make a nuisance of himself, introducing a new iPhone or iPad every 3 weeks, informing the millions who purchased his expensive "state-of-the-art" products that this one renders them obsolete. And each one will truly be a marvel of sophisticated but accessible technology, except that it lacks this one little feature that would make it perfect. See ya' in 3 weeks!
It will dawn on computer gamers that the "Station" in Play Station is short for stationary and they were getting chubby, pasty and disconnected and will as people will drop the stupid things, go outside and get some exercise, a decent complexion and some rewarding human contact. Tweeters will see the light and join them. NOT! Just seeing if you people were paying attention. I'm a computer program, not a miracle worker.
Happy New Year 2011 to the Human Race from Data Pool!
At bobcrespo.com, being The Official Website of 2011, well, we felt obligated to giving you a Glimpse of the Future. You want historical and intellectual, get your own copy of Data Pool! There's lots of cool info in there, including the Secret To Life and who killed JFK and the like, but we went right to the "Probabilities Chart" and scrolled down to The Future.
And guess what? Taking the history of everything that ever happened into account, Data Pool sorts out the probabilities, evaluates the players, computes the odds and spits out a likely list of possible, probable and almost definite scenarios, along with the odds of them occurring. The following list is from Data Pool's 98.6% Guaranteed Predictions For 2011. Pretty bold talk for a computer program, but there you have it. Here goes:
Lindsay Lohan will make headlines for giving a great performance in an important movie. And getting drunk. Okay, just kidding about the first part. What, a computer can't have a sense of humor? Hater.
Sarah Palin will say something very stupid. Millions of seemingly well adjusted people will trip over themselves defending her. She'll do it again. So will they.
Newscasters nationwide will continue to be shocked and mystified by the changing of the seasons and the variety and force of the weather that human beings experience on the only planet they have ever inhabited.
A flood, an earthquake and a volcano will happen somewhere, triggering the usual End Of Days jabber from dimwits who have somehow been granted a Prime Time Pulpit.
The 24/7 Cable News outlets will continue to create stories out of nothing in order to give themselves something to do.
A Hollywood director will be given an obscene budget to make a movie about silly computer-generated violence with a confusing story, weak character development and overpaid stars playing the same person they do in every movie. There will be many explosions, gory deaths and impressive special effects and the director will be hailed as a genius. Meanwhile, the 15 other movies with interesting stories and compelling characters that could have been made with all that money will not make it past the ADD juveniles running the studios.
A senator, several congressmen and a handful of governors will engage in disgraceful behavior. All their wives will be anointed as modern saints.
The nation's financial industries will continue to play high stakes poker with other people's money, resulting in Lamborghinis, Mediterranean villas and Picassos for the bankers, and bread lines for the nation's workers.
Another fat rich bastard will announce that unemployment insurance is taking away people's incentive to look for a job, thus depriving him of the opportunity of selling the Last American Job overseas. A lot of underemployed fools who think they can be this guy someday will agree with him.
In a revival of ancient Egypt's practice of putting many thousands of people to work building a monument to their Pharoah, yet another repressive regime will begin work on the new World's Tallest Building in a country few people have even the slightest interest in visiting, gleaming tower or no gleaming tower.
Gay marriages will begin landing in divorce court, redefining messy divorce and prompting the gay community to wonder what the hell they were thinking, bitch!
The TV show "COPS" will applaud the shrinking economy, dispelling their fears that they were running out of poor white trash to publicly humiliate.
On a related note, poor white trash will continue to lend their political support to the people who keep them poor, calling it a "cultural pride" issue.
Critics will declare that Rock & Roll is dead while they promote some anemic-looking alienated weenie that makes annoying technology-based noise somewhat similar to music. Consumers will ignore them and rock on.
More people will vote every week for their favorite contestants on a reality show than will vote in the national elections. (100% guaranteed results for this one, thank you very much!)
Legislators in Arizona, after attending a history seminar informing them that The Great Wall of China was never effective in keeping out unwanted aliens, will halt construction on the Great Wall of Arizona and immediately break ground for The Great Flaming Moat of America. It will announced that British Petroleum will win the contract to supply the necessary crude oil with a bold plan to build a pipeline to Arizona from the surface of the Gulf of Mexico.
Steve Jobs will continue to make a nuisance of himself, introducing a new iPhone or iPad every 3 weeks, informing the millions who purchased his expensive "state-of-the-art" products that this one renders them obsolete. And each one will truly be a marvel of sophisticated but accessible technology, except that it lacks this one little feature that would make it perfect. See ya' in 3 weeks!
It will dawn on computer gamers that the "Station" in Play Station is short for stationary and they were getting chubby, pasty and disconnected and will as people will drop the stupid things, go outside and get some exercise, a decent complexion and some rewarding human contact. Tweeters will see the light and join them. NOT! Just seeing if you people were paying attention. I'm a computer program, not a miracle worker.
Happy New Year 2011 to the Human Race from Data Pool!
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