October 31, 2008
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 214
Be reasonable, but only within reason. You've got to draw lines beyond which you will not go. Some people's idea of being reasonable is having you do all the compromising while they have things all their own way. That's not reasonable at all. Tell them you'll get back to them when they rethink their thinking. Maybe.
GIVE FOOD, HEAR MUSIC, CHEER RUNNERS! IT'S JUST THAT SIMPLE, THE TASH BROTHERS WILL NOCK YOU OUT!
The Time: Sunday , November 2, 9:00 A.M.
The Place: 88th Street and 4th Avenue, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
The Three Reasons: First and foremost, to hear The Tash Brothers Band playing live on the streets of Brooklyn, the hottest rock & blues band on the planet. Secondly to donate non-perishable food items to City Harvest to be donated to the hungry of New York City. And third by the way, there's a race going on in the city streets. It's a little thing called The NYC Marathon and this year 39,000 people are running the 26 mile course.
So kill 3 birds with one stone and fill up an otherwise boring Sunday morning with one of the most exciting spectacles of Autumn in New York. Hear great music, donate food to our brothers and sisters who need it and witness 39,000 screaming maniacs in speedos cheering for the Tash Brothers as they boogie down 4th Avenue right at the beginning of the marathon. You got anything better to do this Sunday morning? It's a day you'll never forget and you'll be home in time for your football games. What's not to love with all your heart? Be there! -Bob Crespo, Tash Brother at large, and I approve this message.
The Place: 88th Street and 4th Avenue, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
The Three Reasons: First and foremost, to hear The Tash Brothers Band playing live on the streets of Brooklyn, the hottest rock & blues band on the planet. Secondly to donate non-perishable food items to City Harvest to be donated to the hungry of New York City. And third by the way, there's a race going on in the city streets. It's a little thing called The NYC Marathon and this year 39,000 people are running the 26 mile course.
So kill 3 birds with one stone and fill up an otherwise boring Sunday morning with one of the most exciting spectacles of Autumn in New York. Hear great music, donate food to our brothers and sisters who need it and witness 39,000 screaming maniacs in speedos cheering for the Tash Brothers as they boogie down 4th Avenue right at the beginning of the marathon. You got anything better to do this Sunday morning? It's a day you'll never forget and you'll be home in time for your football games. What's not to love with all your heart? Be there! -Bob Crespo, Tash Brother at large, and I approve this message.
October 30, 2008
THE TASH BROTHERS BAND LIVE!
THE NEW YORK CITY MARATHON - SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 10 A.M.
4th Avenue & 88th Street, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, in front of Bay Ridge Honda
DONATE FOOD TO CITY HARVEST. Please bring non-perishable food items to be donated to the hungry of New York City. Come one, come all to see the hottest rock & blues band in the world, cheer on 35,000 runners and help our hungry brothers and sisters this Sunday morning.
4th Avenue & 88th Street, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, in front of Bay Ridge Honda
DONATE FOOD TO CITY HARVEST. Please bring non-perishable food items to be donated to the hungry of New York City. Come one, come all to see the hottest rock & blues band in the world, cheer on 35,000 runners and help our hungry brothers and sisters this Sunday morning.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 213
Don't waste good anger on trivial things. When somebody is angry all the time, their anger means nothing. There's no telling what's important to these clowns and it's best to avoid them.
INDIA AND CHINA GOING TO THE MOON. NEXT STOP: ASIAN DISCO MUSIC!
The news that China and India are sending astronauts into space and probes to the moon leads one to wonder what's next for these 2 emerging world powers. By doing exactly what others have done 40 years earlier, you have to figure that it won't be long before they develop disco music and teen movies. Since they're so busy breaking old ground, they might as well start gearing up their societies for the 1970's.
Let's see, that means they can have Elvis die, whoever the Chinese and Indian Elvises (or maybe the plural is Elvi?) might be. Leisure suits will become popular with older guys. India's already on board with political scandals but the Chinese will need to step up and throw one of their leaders under the bus of public scorn, assuming they allow any of their citizens to speak up anytime soon. Music lovers will have to get into walkman players and boom boxes, playing those new-fangled cassette tapes, of course.
Both nations already have their fair share of whacky cults, so they're ahead of the curve there, except maybe to have one of them commit mass suicide or something equally dramatic. Not to worry on that front, wacky cults can be counted on to think of something bizarre to grab headlines. The Falun Gong crew in China shows promise the way they keep beating their heads against policemen's truncheons.
But both China and India need to move aggressively into the past now that they have joined the space race pretty much after it is over. If they want to be superpowers, perhaps a Cold War with one another would be a good idea. They've got a history of mutual hostility already and both of them have plenty of nuclear bombs so maybe a little international saber-rattling and scaring the crap out of the rest of world is in order. A few dangerous international incidents would go a long way towards cementing their status as world-class jerks.
Then in ten years or so their societies can move into the 1980's. They could begin dismantling their heavy industries and shipping their citizens' jobs overseas. Perhaps have an AIDS epidemic break out and ignore it other than condemning the afflicted while it spreads like wild fire. Then again, neither of these nations might not notice that since so many of them die every year of starvation already. Maybe they'll figure the AIDS victims are just more starving people as they shrivel and die.
Figure a ME Generation to spring up, complete with with yuppies, conspicuous consumption and a boom in Mercedes Benz and Rolex sales. Cocaine will be a problem with young corporate suits and the new breed of nightclub people who will frequent the Studio 54-type of clubs that will spring up. Celebrity cults will be started around people whose only apparent talent is being famous. Rock musicians will get turned off by the glitz and glitter and Asian Punk Music will be born. VCRs will be introduced, microwave ovens, maybe even salad shooters and useless abdomen exercise gadgets. Self help books, spy thrillers and romance novels will proliferate.
Graffiti will spring up everywhere, and some of it will be called art. Japanese cars will start dominating the auto markets. Everything they wear will have labels saying "Made in The Philippines." Their space craft will start to get old and one or two will blow up, then they'll sort of lose interest in the space program. Then it will be the 1990's for China and India and everyone will get a cell phone and a computer. Maybe not everyone, since a large portion of the people in both those nations don't even have running water, never mind luxuries like electricity, air conditioning or food. But being forward-looking countries, they don't let the inconvenient fact that so many of their people die of starvation every year stop them from exporting a whole lot of food.
Nor do they hesitate to spend billions on nukes and space ships. Hopefully they'll learn from the Soviet Union that having super-power status doesn't impress your own citizens all that much when their lives are miserable. Nobody conquered the Soviet Union, it just collapsed under the weight of its own sheer unmanageability and huge pieces of it spun off into enough new independent countries to send the good people at Rand-McNally into overdrive redrawing world maps. Life for the average citizen of the Soviet Union was a cakewalk compared to life for the average person in India and China, who have about 400 million malnourished citizens between them. That's twice the amount of people than live in modern day Russia. 200 million Indians and 200 million Chinese who are living hungry all the time. Rand-McNally waits with bated breath.
Let's see, that means they can have Elvis die, whoever the Chinese and Indian Elvises (or maybe the plural is Elvi?) might be. Leisure suits will become popular with older guys. India's already on board with political scandals but the Chinese will need to step up and throw one of their leaders under the bus of public scorn, assuming they allow any of their citizens to speak up anytime soon. Music lovers will have to get into walkman players and boom boxes, playing those new-fangled cassette tapes, of course.
Both nations already have their fair share of whacky cults, so they're ahead of the curve there, except maybe to have one of them commit mass suicide or something equally dramatic. Not to worry on that front, wacky cults can be counted on to think of something bizarre to grab headlines. The Falun Gong crew in China shows promise the way they keep beating their heads against policemen's truncheons.
But both China and India need to move aggressively into the past now that they have joined the space race pretty much after it is over. If they want to be superpowers, perhaps a Cold War with one another would be a good idea. They've got a history of mutual hostility already and both of them have plenty of nuclear bombs so maybe a little international saber-rattling and scaring the crap out of the rest of world is in order. A few dangerous international incidents would go a long way towards cementing their status as world-class jerks.
Then in ten years or so their societies can move into the 1980's. They could begin dismantling their heavy industries and shipping their citizens' jobs overseas. Perhaps have an AIDS epidemic break out and ignore it other than condemning the afflicted while it spreads like wild fire. Then again, neither of these nations might not notice that since so many of them die every year of starvation already. Maybe they'll figure the AIDS victims are just more starving people as they shrivel and die.
Figure a ME Generation to spring up, complete with with yuppies, conspicuous consumption and a boom in Mercedes Benz and Rolex sales. Cocaine will be a problem with young corporate suits and the new breed of nightclub people who will frequent the Studio 54-type of clubs that will spring up. Celebrity cults will be started around people whose only apparent talent is being famous. Rock musicians will get turned off by the glitz and glitter and Asian Punk Music will be born. VCRs will be introduced, microwave ovens, maybe even salad shooters and useless abdomen exercise gadgets. Self help books, spy thrillers and romance novels will proliferate.
Graffiti will spring up everywhere, and some of it will be called art. Japanese cars will start dominating the auto markets. Everything they wear will have labels saying "Made in The Philippines." Their space craft will start to get old and one or two will blow up, then they'll sort of lose interest in the space program. Then it will be the 1990's for China and India and everyone will get a cell phone and a computer. Maybe not everyone, since a large portion of the people in both those nations don't even have running water, never mind luxuries like electricity, air conditioning or food. But being forward-looking countries, they don't let the inconvenient fact that so many of their people die of starvation every year stop them from exporting a whole lot of food.
Nor do they hesitate to spend billions on nukes and space ships. Hopefully they'll learn from the Soviet Union that having super-power status doesn't impress your own citizens all that much when their lives are miserable. Nobody conquered the Soviet Union, it just collapsed under the weight of its own sheer unmanageability and huge pieces of it spun off into enough new independent countries to send the good people at Rand-McNally into overdrive redrawing world maps. Life for the average citizen of the Soviet Union was a cakewalk compared to life for the average person in India and China, who have about 400 million malnourished citizens between them. That's twice the amount of people than live in modern day Russia. 200 million Indians and 200 million Chinese who are living hungry all the time. Rand-McNally waits with bated breath.
October 26, 2008
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 210
There will be plenty of time to shut up about injustice when you're dead. Meanwhile, you've got a voice and a good mind. Speak out.
THE RIGHT TO EAT
Human rights are always a hot topic. There's simply not enough of them in this world, otherwise the subjest would never come up. There was a famous document written 232 years ago declaring that certain human rights were self-evident and inalienable, among them life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It was the America Declaration of Independence, whose words still ring loud and true all these years later. It remains the gold standard of human rights declarations. That first right is the most basic, the right to life, to live, to be alive, without which any and all other human rights are pretty useless.
The right to be alive by necessity means the right to eat. In this world 36,000 people die every single day from starvation. That's one dead human being every 2.4 seconds. Already a couple are gone by the time you have read this far down the page. Starvation is a prolonged and agonizingly painful death, and the vast majority of its victims are children under the age of 5. This happens in a world where food is plentiful. Little children with no disease are suffering horribly and dying by the tens of thousands each day! How can the rest of the world turns its back?
This has been going on for far too long. Even one child dying of hunger is a sickening disaster, the needless loss of a precious young life. Think of your own children, your nieces and nephews or grandchildren and all the kids in the neighborhood who keep the place joyously alive with the music of their laughter and their rambunctious play. Aren't they all precious, special and irreplaceable? Yes, yes they are, every last one of them. What would you do to protect them from harm? What wouldn't you do? And what if you lost a child? Would you ever get over it?
Multiply that by 36,000 times a day and imagine the immeasurable sorrow of starvation. The feeling of helplessness by parents unable to provide even the barest necessity of life to their child is devastating. And countless other children who somehow survive prolonged hunger are mentally impaired for life, their minds and bodies deprived of the nourishment required to develop their mental and physical faculties. Who will care for these sub-normal adults? Who will replace their lost skills and labors in their society?
Let our new President, Barack Obama, together with the United Nations declare that all people of this earth have The Universal Right To Eat. While we may not be able to feed every starving child right away, let it be announced as official policy of the most powerful nation on earth and of the United Nations. Force the issue on the world stage and apply public pressure on food-rich nations to help starving people wherever they live, no matter what anybody thinks of the policies of their governments. The United States can lead the effort by shipping food on a massive scale to areas where starvation exists. The United Nations can use their blue-helmeted peacekeeping troops to distribute this food, a neutral party posing no political or military threat to the governments in question.
The Universal Right To Eat must be promoted on a global scale and made the official policy of every nation on earth, either by example, political arm-twisting or trade sanctions. Let it be the cornerstone of any treaty, trade agreement or commercial dealings of any sort between nations. This world can and must feed the hungry. While this time of severe financial crisis has many people wondering if the world can afford to so, the truth is that the world cannot afford not to. The United States of America, even in the face of the loss of much of our international good will and respect, is still the only nation on earth that can implement this plan effectively and give it instant credibility. If America makes it a priority and backs it up with swift and decisive action, the world will follow suit. Good will can be as contagious as enmity.
This nation produces more food than any other on earth and can produce more still. We need not demand any reforms from any government whose people we feed, only that they make sure the food gets to them. We can also pressure those nations who export food while their own citizens die of hunger to feed their own people before they ship any food overseas. China and India are 2 such countries. The vast underutilized farmlands of Russia could be put into production as well, and such a humanitarian act would go a long way towards Russia's goal of regaining international respect, and in positive ways never dreamed of by the old Soviet Union.
The Right To Eat must become an international cause, promoted only because it is the right thing to do, and for no other reason or for monetary or overt political gain. The political gain will come anyway. Nothing makes friends like sharing food, either on a personal or an international level. No one would need to fear seeing American or Russian planes landing in their airports or their ships docking in their harbors like in the bad old days of the Cold War. When these planes and ships are loaded with food, modern farming and irrigation equipment and agricultural technicians and teachers, the welcome mat will be out in all nations. Is there a better common cause out there to motivate nations to cooperate? Ending world starvation is a cause no government can condemn, at least not out loud. The Right To Eat is a right no country can openly deny their citizens and a serious worldwide effort to end starvation can succeed in our lifetime, hopefully sooner.
All it needs to get the ball rolling is one world leader to speak out with passion and authority to challenge the world to be a better world. There are many things about this world we cannot change. Feeding everybody something we can change, we must change. History will look back at a time when 36,000 people used to die every day of starvation and wonder what sort of people would allow that to happen in a bountiful world. And history will record the day it stopped, the day the world recognized the Universal Right To Eat. Let us wage peace on one another and feed our hungry and desperate brothers and sisters. Let them we have not abandoned them. Give them The Right To Eat.
The right to be alive by necessity means the right to eat. In this world 36,000 people die every single day from starvation. That's one dead human being every 2.4 seconds. Already a couple are gone by the time you have read this far down the page. Starvation is a prolonged and agonizingly painful death, and the vast majority of its victims are children under the age of 5. This happens in a world where food is plentiful. Little children with no disease are suffering horribly and dying by the tens of thousands each day! How can the rest of the world turns its back?
This has been going on for far too long. Even one child dying of hunger is a sickening disaster, the needless loss of a precious young life. Think of your own children, your nieces and nephews or grandchildren and all the kids in the neighborhood who keep the place joyously alive with the music of their laughter and their rambunctious play. Aren't they all precious, special and irreplaceable? Yes, yes they are, every last one of them. What would you do to protect them from harm? What wouldn't you do? And what if you lost a child? Would you ever get over it?
Multiply that by 36,000 times a day and imagine the immeasurable sorrow of starvation. The feeling of helplessness by parents unable to provide even the barest necessity of life to their child is devastating. And countless other children who somehow survive prolonged hunger are mentally impaired for life, their minds and bodies deprived of the nourishment required to develop their mental and physical faculties. Who will care for these sub-normal adults? Who will replace their lost skills and labors in their society?
Let our new President, Barack Obama, together with the United Nations declare that all people of this earth have The Universal Right To Eat. While we may not be able to feed every starving child right away, let it be announced as official policy of the most powerful nation on earth and of the United Nations. Force the issue on the world stage and apply public pressure on food-rich nations to help starving people wherever they live, no matter what anybody thinks of the policies of their governments. The United States can lead the effort by shipping food on a massive scale to areas where starvation exists. The United Nations can use their blue-helmeted peacekeeping troops to distribute this food, a neutral party posing no political or military threat to the governments in question.
The Universal Right To Eat must be promoted on a global scale and made the official policy of every nation on earth, either by example, political arm-twisting or trade sanctions. Let it be the cornerstone of any treaty, trade agreement or commercial dealings of any sort between nations. This world can and must feed the hungry. While this time of severe financial crisis has many people wondering if the world can afford to so, the truth is that the world cannot afford not to. The United States of America, even in the face of the loss of much of our international good will and respect, is still the only nation on earth that can implement this plan effectively and give it instant credibility. If America makes it a priority and backs it up with swift and decisive action, the world will follow suit. Good will can be as contagious as enmity.
This nation produces more food than any other on earth and can produce more still. We need not demand any reforms from any government whose people we feed, only that they make sure the food gets to them. We can also pressure those nations who export food while their own citizens die of hunger to feed their own people before they ship any food overseas. China and India are 2 such countries. The vast underutilized farmlands of Russia could be put into production as well, and such a humanitarian act would go a long way towards Russia's goal of regaining international respect, and in positive ways never dreamed of by the old Soviet Union.
The Right To Eat must become an international cause, promoted only because it is the right thing to do, and for no other reason or for monetary or overt political gain. The political gain will come anyway. Nothing makes friends like sharing food, either on a personal or an international level. No one would need to fear seeing American or Russian planes landing in their airports or their ships docking in their harbors like in the bad old days of the Cold War. When these planes and ships are loaded with food, modern farming and irrigation equipment and agricultural technicians and teachers, the welcome mat will be out in all nations. Is there a better common cause out there to motivate nations to cooperate? Ending world starvation is a cause no government can condemn, at least not out loud. The Right To Eat is a right no country can openly deny their citizens and a serious worldwide effort to end starvation can succeed in our lifetime, hopefully sooner.
All it needs to get the ball rolling is one world leader to speak out with passion and authority to challenge the world to be a better world. There are many things about this world we cannot change. Feeding everybody something we can change, we must change. History will look back at a time when 36,000 people used to die every day of starvation and wonder what sort of people would allow that to happen in a bountiful world. And history will record the day it stopped, the day the world recognized the Universal Right To Eat. Let us wage peace on one another and feed our hungry and desperate brothers and sisters. Let them we have not abandoned them. Give them The Right To Eat.
October 25, 2008
THE TASH BROTHERS BAND, CITY HARVEST AND 35,000 RUNNING FOOLS AT THE NYC MARATHON
Yes, boys and girls, it's that time of year once again, when 35,000 Richard Simmons speedo-wearing maniacs take to the streets of New York City to run 26 miles as fast as they possibly can. For the 16th straight year, all this will be made somewhat easier for the runners by having the mighty Tash Brothers Band play for them at the beginning of the course in Brooklyn's Bay Ridge, right on 4th Avenue and 88th Street. This coming November 2nd starting around 9:30 A.M. until the last runner zips by about noon, The Tash Brothers Band rocks and roars and rumbles while the runners' measured steps turns into boogie-woogie dance moves for a block or two.
Many of the runners pause to dance with the band, take photos and get a drink of water, then go on to run 25 more miles, refreshed and energized. It's no coincidence that since the Tash Brothers started playing at The NYC Marathon that average finishing times have improved dramatically. And every year the crowds in Bay Ridge have multiplied to be a part of one of the more interesting and bizarre rock & roll extravaganzas in this interesting and bizarre city. The immediate area surrounding the band has become an annual pilgrimage for fans of music and street theater. A tailgate party of sorts surrounds the band, tables and chairs are set up, food spreads and stimulating beverages are enjoyed, tambourines are handed out and people line the sidewalk high-fiving and cheering on the 35,00 running maniacs streaming by the bandstand. It is an exhilarating if somewhat unsettling circus so early on a Sunday morning in Brooklyn.
This year The Tash Brothers Band is charging admission to our tailgate party in the form of a donation of non-perishable food items to be collected by City Harvest. The holidays are coming and a long, cold winter lies ahead, even colder and longer for the city's poor and hungry. City Harvest collects food and distributes it to our less fortunate brothers and sisters. We are asking all who attend to bring groceries to be collected by City Harvest after the race. Bay Ridge Honda, the car dealership on whose property the Tash Brothers perform, will collect the food and turn it over to City Harvest.
We ask everyone to invest a couple of bucks in the form of food staples. Just drop them in our collection bin and City Harvest will do the rest, making sure it gets to those who need it most. Then you and yours can spend the morning enjoying one of the most unusual and exciting spectacles of Autumn in New York, the mad and mighty Tash Brothers Band turning the New York City Marathon into a rock & blues high octane Sunday morning party. Come one, come all, and prepare to be entertained. Afterwards you'll feel like you've just run a Marathon yourself. It's not a day you'll soon forget.
Many of the runners pause to dance with the band, take photos and get a drink of water, then go on to run 25 more miles, refreshed and energized. It's no coincidence that since the Tash Brothers started playing at The NYC Marathon that average finishing times have improved dramatically. And every year the crowds in Bay Ridge have multiplied to be a part of one of the more interesting and bizarre rock & roll extravaganzas in this interesting and bizarre city. The immediate area surrounding the band has become an annual pilgrimage for fans of music and street theater. A tailgate party of sorts surrounds the band, tables and chairs are set up, food spreads and stimulating beverages are enjoyed, tambourines are handed out and people line the sidewalk high-fiving and cheering on the 35,00 running maniacs streaming by the bandstand. It is an exhilarating if somewhat unsettling circus so early on a Sunday morning in Brooklyn.
This year The Tash Brothers Band is charging admission to our tailgate party in the form of a donation of non-perishable food items to be collected by City Harvest. The holidays are coming and a long, cold winter lies ahead, even colder and longer for the city's poor and hungry. City Harvest collects food and distributes it to our less fortunate brothers and sisters. We are asking all who attend to bring groceries to be collected by City Harvest after the race. Bay Ridge Honda, the car dealership on whose property the Tash Brothers perform, will collect the food and turn it over to City Harvest.
We ask everyone to invest a couple of bucks in the form of food staples. Just drop them in our collection bin and City Harvest will do the rest, making sure it gets to those who need it most. Then you and yours can spend the morning enjoying one of the most unusual and exciting spectacles of Autumn in New York, the mad and mighty Tash Brothers Band turning the New York City Marathon into a rock & blues high octane Sunday morning party. Come one, come all, and prepare to be entertained. Afterwards you'll feel like you've just run a Marathon yourself. It's not a day you'll soon forget.
October 24, 2008
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 208
Your gadgets and possessions don't define you, your human nature does. People haven't changed since the invention of the wheel. Don't pretend otherwise.
GREENSPAN GETS DOPOTO'S ATTENTION
The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO) has found easy pickings in this week's news with an able assist from one Alan Greenspan. Mr. Greenspan was the chairman of the Federal Reserve Board for 18 years and big proponent of deregulation in an industry where billions of dollars change hands every day. We repeat his theory for emphasis: In an industry where billions and billions of dollars change hands every day, this man believed that human beings could be trusted not to get too greedy. Boy Scout's honor would do the trick, he figured, and taking a cue from the Chairman of The Federal Reserve, the government didn't keep an eye on the national cookie jar.
The result? No more cookies and some very fat people smeared with powdered sugar while the rest of us wonder where our cookies went. So this week before Congress Alan Greenspan admitted he was dead wrong about the self-policing market. Not that it helps the rest of the world as one nation after another sees their economy going down the tubes. Not that Mr. Greenspan didn't have enough obvious evidence of human nature all around him everywhere all his very long life. At no time in his 82 years did he ever enter a bank without a vault, shop at a store where the cash till was out in the open for anybody to help themselves or drive in a car that was not equipped with locks. Why he thought that human nature would change with the increase of zeroes behind numbers is a mystery.
DOPOTO belatedly welcomes Mr. Greenspan into the ranks of those who can see what is so obvious it ought to be unspoken. The Department does wonder, however, what took the man so long. Presumably he had locks on the doors to his house and didn't carry his entire personal fortune in his pockets or in a briefcase everywhere he went, preferring instead to keep the bulk of his money safely locked up in a bank like any other sane person with the slightest familiarity with the ways of the world. One wonders if Greenspan has ever watched or participated in sports, one of the more honorable human endeavors, and if so, did he notice that there are rules to every sport? Not guidelines, not suggestions, not blindly trusting the participants to play fair, but rules! One doesn't bring a blackjack to a boxing match without getting disqualified.
The man also went to a lot great schools too in order to obtain the education required to become Federal Reserve Chairman. Those places have rules too, and failure to follow them and cheating are grounds for expulsion. He worked his entire life, and in every workplace there were rules in place and somebody to enforce them. So when he got the most powerful and influential economic job on the planet, knowing his decisions would affect the economy not only of the United States but the whole world, why did he abandon the obvious? His "my bad" in front of Congress doesn't cut it, and his admission of being shocked over what any 6 year-old knows is ridiculous.
A lot of people in this world will steal in spite of all the many laws and moral teachings against theft. In an atmosphere where there are no rules against stealing, well, the sky's he limit, especially in the multi-trillion dollar financial industries. And why anyone listened for 18 years to Mr. Greenspan while aging chubby frat boys systematically stole a nation's wealth is another huge mystery. There is nothing more obvious than a strong lock on a cash register, nothing so clear as the need for armed guards driving armored cars. That's where the money is and people will steal it! The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious felt this point is so obvious it bears no mention, but like Mr. Greenspan, we were wrong. And so we call for making rules for these corporate princes to live by and enforcing them vigorously. As embarrassingly obvious as that point is, it seems someone had to make it. Even at the risk of appearing simple, we are willing to risk that perception and point out that the sky is indeed as blue as it ever was. That's what DOPOTO is for.
The result? No more cookies and some very fat people smeared with powdered sugar while the rest of us wonder where our cookies went. So this week before Congress Alan Greenspan admitted he was dead wrong about the self-policing market. Not that it helps the rest of the world as one nation after another sees their economy going down the tubes. Not that Mr. Greenspan didn't have enough obvious evidence of human nature all around him everywhere all his very long life. At no time in his 82 years did he ever enter a bank without a vault, shop at a store where the cash till was out in the open for anybody to help themselves or drive in a car that was not equipped with locks. Why he thought that human nature would change with the increase of zeroes behind numbers is a mystery.
DOPOTO belatedly welcomes Mr. Greenspan into the ranks of those who can see what is so obvious it ought to be unspoken. The Department does wonder, however, what took the man so long. Presumably he had locks on the doors to his house and didn't carry his entire personal fortune in his pockets or in a briefcase everywhere he went, preferring instead to keep the bulk of his money safely locked up in a bank like any other sane person with the slightest familiarity with the ways of the world. One wonders if Greenspan has ever watched or participated in sports, one of the more honorable human endeavors, and if so, did he notice that there are rules to every sport? Not guidelines, not suggestions, not blindly trusting the participants to play fair, but rules! One doesn't bring a blackjack to a boxing match without getting disqualified.
The man also went to a lot great schools too in order to obtain the education required to become Federal Reserve Chairman. Those places have rules too, and failure to follow them and cheating are grounds for expulsion. He worked his entire life, and in every workplace there were rules in place and somebody to enforce them. So when he got the most powerful and influential economic job on the planet, knowing his decisions would affect the economy not only of the United States but the whole world, why did he abandon the obvious? His "my bad" in front of Congress doesn't cut it, and his admission of being shocked over what any 6 year-old knows is ridiculous.
A lot of people in this world will steal in spite of all the many laws and moral teachings against theft. In an atmosphere where there are no rules against stealing, well, the sky's he limit, especially in the multi-trillion dollar financial industries. And why anyone listened for 18 years to Mr. Greenspan while aging chubby frat boys systematically stole a nation's wealth is another huge mystery. There is nothing more obvious than a strong lock on a cash register, nothing so clear as the need for armed guards driving armored cars. That's where the money is and people will steal it! The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious felt this point is so obvious it bears no mention, but like Mr. Greenspan, we were wrong. And so we call for making rules for these corporate princes to live by and enforcing them vigorously. As embarrassingly obvious as that point is, it seems someone had to make it. Even at the risk of appearing simple, we are willing to risk that perception and point out that the sky is indeed as blue as it ever was. That's what DOPOTO is for.
GOOD VERSUS EVIL
It is better to be good than evil, better to love than hate, better to help than hurt, better to give than take. Everybody knows and accepts that. So, what's our problem? Is it so hard to do the right thing? Are we that perverse a race of beings? Religions sure as hell dropped the ball in their only mission, to make us better human beings. They all turned into political power entities bent on controlling people's lives with threats of dire suffering. When the threats didn't do the trick the religions started killing and torturing people to keep them in line, telling us they were carrying out God's will.
God's will? The Crusades? The Inquisition? Conversion by the sword? The slavery and brutality visited upon half the world's Muslims, the female half, to this day? Even in Biblical times, the Jews justified conquering other people's lands by saying God ordered them to slay those people down to the last man, woman and child. Look at two of the greatest figures of the Hebrew Bible, David and Solomon, a couple of poster boys for greed, lust and murder. In the Koran you've got only one star, Mohammed, as bloodthirsty a megalomaniac as ever breathed. The Hindu faith enforces a rigid and cruel caste system, elevating the few at the expense of the many. What kind of God would condone any of these people or the heinous acts they perpetrate? And what kind of fool would fall for any of their crap? And what sort of cruelty is it to teach your children not to trust those who follow a different faith?
The only guy who had a decent message of love, tolerance, mercy and brotherhood was Jesus Christ, who started no religion at all, but was killed for taking the trouble to point out obvious truths. After his murder a crazy religion was established in his name that would go down in history as one of the most bloodthirsty and tyrannical organizations to wreak havoc and misery on the human race. They called themselves Christians, killing and torturing in the name of The Prince of Peace, doing their level best to keep the bulk of humanity in ignorant servitude. The bigotry and venality of organized religious practice of any sort boggles the mind.
What about the bigotry of forbidding intermarriage? That's no different from Hitler's ideas of racial purity, but hidden behind the skirts of some mother faith that makes hatred and intolerance okay. It's not okay and never was. Not for Hitler and not for anybody else. All people share the same DNA, easily interbreed and can donate blood and organs to one another, regardless of skin color, culture or religion. There's not a dime's worth of difference between any of us. So why have we let our religions get so far off message? God doesn't hate us, and there are no special chosen ones he loves more than others. We are all his creations, every one, as worthy as anyone anywhere. Religions all seem to preach the exact opposite, ignoring the reality that every faith has produced its share of evil human monsters.
True, there are some religious people who are motivated by love and a vocation to help others, but why do they need a religion to live such a life? Why not do good for the sake of good, fight evil because that's the right thing to do? Forget about people's souls and all that bullshit about eternal damnation if they are not "saved." From what? From thinking for themselves? From seeing the world as a seamless whole populated by all sorts of decent people? Cherish and respect people here and now in the only reality we have ever known. All this talk of souls and heaven and rewards after death only make it easier to mistreat others in this world, to hate them, enslave them, make war on them and steal what they have. All in the name of some mystical, unproven fairytale. There is no magic, there is no hidden truth, there are no people in closer contact with God than you are.
In this religious world, 36,000 people die every single day from starvation. In this religious world, you have fanatic fundamentalists of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Animist and Christian persuasion bent on killing one another, hiding their hatred behind their faith as they seek to impose their will upon others. God has nothing to do with hatred and murder or tyranny. God is love and goodness, period. He has no axe to grind against any particular type of human. It's a hard world no matter what your particular religious persuasion, a world that would benefit from people working together rather than being set at each others throats by one highly dubious and hypocritical theology or another.
When our governments act with evil intent we replace them, either by election or by force. Why not do the same with our religions? Every one of them divides humanity and teaches evil doctrines detrimental to the human race. They all claim to be the one and only truth. That does not mean the rest of them are lying but your faith. Yours is a liar too, and a thief of your humanity. What is good inside you has nothing to do with any labels attached to you like Jew, Christian, Muslim or Buddhist, it's there because you are human. What evil you do is your responsibility. Let the churches and temples rot and let their various ministers get real jobs and make themselves useful. They've caused enough grief and spread enough evil. Turn your back on the profound evil of organized religion. Love your brother and do good works. Wage peace.
God's will? The Crusades? The Inquisition? Conversion by the sword? The slavery and brutality visited upon half the world's Muslims, the female half, to this day? Even in Biblical times, the Jews justified conquering other people's lands by saying God ordered them to slay those people down to the last man, woman and child. Look at two of the greatest figures of the Hebrew Bible, David and Solomon, a couple of poster boys for greed, lust and murder. In the Koran you've got only one star, Mohammed, as bloodthirsty a megalomaniac as ever breathed. The Hindu faith enforces a rigid and cruel caste system, elevating the few at the expense of the many. What kind of God would condone any of these people or the heinous acts they perpetrate? And what kind of fool would fall for any of their crap? And what sort of cruelty is it to teach your children not to trust those who follow a different faith?
The only guy who had a decent message of love, tolerance, mercy and brotherhood was Jesus Christ, who started no religion at all, but was killed for taking the trouble to point out obvious truths. After his murder a crazy religion was established in his name that would go down in history as one of the most bloodthirsty and tyrannical organizations to wreak havoc and misery on the human race. They called themselves Christians, killing and torturing in the name of The Prince of Peace, doing their level best to keep the bulk of humanity in ignorant servitude. The bigotry and venality of organized religious practice of any sort boggles the mind.
What about the bigotry of forbidding intermarriage? That's no different from Hitler's ideas of racial purity, but hidden behind the skirts of some mother faith that makes hatred and intolerance okay. It's not okay and never was. Not for Hitler and not for anybody else. All people share the same DNA, easily interbreed and can donate blood and organs to one another, regardless of skin color, culture or religion. There's not a dime's worth of difference between any of us. So why have we let our religions get so far off message? God doesn't hate us, and there are no special chosen ones he loves more than others. We are all his creations, every one, as worthy as anyone anywhere. Religions all seem to preach the exact opposite, ignoring the reality that every faith has produced its share of evil human monsters.
True, there are some religious people who are motivated by love and a vocation to help others, but why do they need a religion to live such a life? Why not do good for the sake of good, fight evil because that's the right thing to do? Forget about people's souls and all that bullshit about eternal damnation if they are not "saved." From what? From thinking for themselves? From seeing the world as a seamless whole populated by all sorts of decent people? Cherish and respect people here and now in the only reality we have ever known. All this talk of souls and heaven and rewards after death only make it easier to mistreat others in this world, to hate them, enslave them, make war on them and steal what they have. All in the name of some mystical, unproven fairytale. There is no magic, there is no hidden truth, there are no people in closer contact with God than you are.
In this religious world, 36,000 people die every single day from starvation. In this religious world, you have fanatic fundamentalists of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Animist and Christian persuasion bent on killing one another, hiding their hatred behind their faith as they seek to impose their will upon others. God has nothing to do with hatred and murder or tyranny. God is love and goodness, period. He has no axe to grind against any particular type of human. It's a hard world no matter what your particular religious persuasion, a world that would benefit from people working together rather than being set at each others throats by one highly dubious and hypocritical theology or another.
When our governments act with evil intent we replace them, either by election or by force. Why not do the same with our religions? Every one of them divides humanity and teaches evil doctrines detrimental to the human race. They all claim to be the one and only truth. That does not mean the rest of them are lying but your faith. Yours is a liar too, and a thief of your humanity. What is good inside you has nothing to do with any labels attached to you like Jew, Christian, Muslim or Buddhist, it's there because you are human. What evil you do is your responsibility. Let the churches and temples rot and let their various ministers get real jobs and make themselves useful. They've caused enough grief and spread enough evil. Turn your back on the profound evil of organized religion. Love your brother and do good works. Wage peace.
October 23, 2008
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 206
There are few actual emergencies in life, and those are usually well advertised by screaming sirens and flashing lights. If nobody's bleeding and nothing's in flames, odds are the situation isn't a calamity, just another problem. Relax.
HAPPY 25th ANNIVERSARY, ISLAMIC JIHAD!
It was 25 years ago today, 6 A.M. on October 23, 1983 that 220 United States Marines, 18 Navy sailors and 3 Army soldiers were killed by a suicide truck bomber in Beirut, Lebanon. Two minutes later, a similar attack killed 58 French soldiers stationed there. The Fundamentalist Islamic Jihad against The West had begun. The President of The United States at the time, a half-daft former movie actor named Ronald Reagan, talked a good game about keeping the Marines in Lebanon and seeking out those responsible, but ultimately pulled out of the country and did nothing to respond to the attack. Instead, two days later, he had the Marines invade Grenada, a tiny island in the Caribbean, perhaps setting the stage for Bush The Younger attacking the wrong country in response to the attacks on America of September 11, 2001. Must be a Republican thing, or an insane thing. Hard to tell.
For whatever reason, America did not notice or acknowledge that a war was being waged on us. There had been enough warning, starting in 1979 when Iran took American Embassy personnel hostage for 444 days and thus helped Ronald Reagan win the presidency. Then in 1981 Libya was found to be planning assassinations of American diplomats in Rome and Paris. American warplanes shot down 2 Libyan warplanes, with Reagan treating the whole thing as an isolated incident. Then when the Marine barracks was demolished in 1983 with 241 dead, Reagan did nothing, probably chalking it up to the long history of the politics of insanity that rule the Middle East instead of the opening salvos of a war.
In December of 1983 the American Embassy in Kuwait was also bombed. In March of 1984 the CIA station chief in Beirut was kidnapped and would later die in captivity. He was one of thirty Americans who would be kidnapped in Lebanon between 1982 and 1992. Reagan's response to the kidnappers was to sell armaments to Iran secretly and use the proceeds to fund a war in Nicaragua, but only 3 hostages were released, and the most powerful government on earth was reduced to negotiating with terrorists. The Iran-Contra affair remains a black mark on American diplomacy that came back to bite us in the ass again and again. In September of 1984 the U.S. Embassy in Lebanon was bombed, killing 24 people.
In December, 1984 a Kuwait airlines flight was hijacked in Tehran, Iran and the captors demanded the release of 17 Kuwaiti prisoners responsible for the 1983 bombing of the American embassy in Kuwait. When the demands went unmet, the hijackers killed two Americans before Iranian officials stormed the jet and released the remaining hostages. Then in June of 1985 an American commercial jet was hijacked and rerouted to Lebanon where the same demand was made and again unmet. The hijackers killed an American Navy diver and tossed his body on the runway. America blamed Hezbollah and secretly pressured our stooge in the Middle East, Israel, to start releasing some captives to placate these terrorists. That worked out about as well as Neville Chamberlain's famous appeasement act.
In October of 1986 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked by Palestinians and they executed an elderly wheelchair-bound American tourist. In April of that year a discotheque in Germany was bombed that was popular with soldiers from the American Army of Occupation left over from World War 2. An American was killed and it was determined that Libya was responsible. This time Reagan bombed Libya in response. Then in the Alzheimer-ridden Reagan's last few days as president in December 1983, Pan Am flight 103 was destroyed over Scotland, killing all 259 on board, once again courtesy of Libya. No action was taken against anyone for the bombing until 2000, when one man was convicted and another acquitted.
Things were fairly quiet terrorism-wise during the four year presidency of Bush The Elder, other than him attacking Iraq over their alleged theft of Kuwaiti oil. Then when Clinton became president the attacks started all over again with attacks on the U.S.S. Cole, the first bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993, simultaneous attacks on U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania. At this point President Clinton had figured out that al Qaeda and Osama bin Laden were behind a lot of this stuff and fired cruise missiles into Afghanistan and Sudan at terrorist bases. Richard Clark was assigned to track and kill bin Laden, but he proved pretty elusive. Several opportunities to kill the man were aborted when it was determined there would be too many civilian casualties. Bin Laden is a guy America once supplied with arms and training to fight the Soviet Union in Afghanistan, another Iran-Contra type fiasco that came back to haunt us.
As damaging as all these attacks were, they were as flea bites on a St. Bernard, irritating but not all-consumimg. Then came 9/11/01 and the devastating attacks on New York City and Washington, D.C. That finally got our attention and made us realize we were at war. Unfortunately for America, at that point we had Bush The Elder's son as our president, Bush The Younger, possibly the stupidest and most arrogant individual ever to hold a public office above the rank of dog catcher. After attacking Afghanistan where al Qaeda was based, he decided to invade Iraq, a nation not involved in any way with anti-American terror attacks.
In this way he recruited more Jihad fighters than bin Laden ever dreamed of and 5 years later we're still occupying a crumbling Iraq. Bush the Younger is using Iraq as a battleground to fight new enemies he has actively created while al Qaeda still thrives and plots in Pakistan. Osama bin Laden has practically become part of our political process and moron commentators on TV are wondering just how he will affect this election, perhaps with another "October surprise" like his endorsement of John Kerry in 2004, which some say swung the election to Bush The Younger for a second disastrous term. Other TV jackasses speculate that Bush will pull the capture of bin Laden out of his hat like Houdini to get John McCain elected instead of the heavy favorite in the polls, Barack Obama. Why anyone would vote one way or another because of our sworn enemy remains a mystery.
So perhaps on this 25th anniversary of the war against the United States by medieval-minded fundamentalists, it is fitting that we are about to elect a new president. Hopefully, Barack Obama and his cabinet will come up with a coherent strategy for battling terrorism and catching Osama bin Laden that doesn't involve invading and occupying innocent nations. It would actually be quite difficult to do any worse than Bush The Younger, who never made any plans beyond his initial gut reactions, which were invariably completely wrong anyway. Impulsive behavior doesn't make any more sense in politics and warfare than it does anywhere else. Our enemies plan long and carefully for each attack. We can at least do the same. Vote for Brack Obama for a fresh set of eyes to tackle this old problem.
For whatever reason, America did not notice or acknowledge that a war was being waged on us. There had been enough warning, starting in 1979 when Iran took American Embassy personnel hostage for 444 days and thus helped Ronald Reagan win the presidency. Then in 1981 Libya was found to be planning assassinations of American diplomats in Rome and Paris. American warplanes shot down 2 Libyan warplanes, with Reagan treating the whole thing as an isolated incident. Then when the Marine barracks was demolished in 1983 with 241 dead, Reagan did nothing, probably chalking it up to the long history of the politics of insanity that rule the Middle East instead of the opening salvos of a war.
In December of 1983 the American Embassy in Kuwait was also bombed. In March of 1984 the CIA station chief in Beirut was kidnapped and would later die in captivity. He was one of thirty Americans who would be kidnapped in Lebanon between 1982 and 1992. Reagan's response to the kidnappers was to sell armaments to Iran secretly and use the proceeds to fund a war in Nicaragua, but only 3 hostages were released, and the most powerful government on earth was reduced to negotiating with terrorists. The Iran-Contra affair remains a black mark on American diplomacy that came back to bite us in the ass again and again. In September of 1984 the U.S. Embassy in Lebanon was bombed, killing 24 people.
In December, 1984 a Kuwait airlines flight was hijacked in Tehran, Iran and the captors demanded the release of 17 Kuwaiti prisoners responsible for the 1983 bombing of the American embassy in Kuwait. When the demands went unmet, the hijackers killed two Americans before Iranian officials stormed the jet and released the remaining hostages. Then in June of 1985 an American commercial jet was hijacked and rerouted to Lebanon where the same demand was made and again unmet. The hijackers killed an American Navy diver and tossed his body on the runway. America blamed Hezbollah and secretly pressured our stooge in the Middle East, Israel, to start releasing some captives to placate these terrorists. That worked out about as well as Neville Chamberlain's famous appeasement act.
In October of 1986 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked by Palestinians and they executed an elderly wheelchair-bound American tourist. In April of that year a discotheque in Germany was bombed that was popular with soldiers from the American Army of Occupation left over from World War 2. An American was killed and it was determined that Libya was responsible. This time Reagan bombed Libya in response. Then in the Alzheimer-ridden Reagan's last few days as president in December 1983, Pan Am flight 103 was destroyed over Scotland, killing all 259 on board, once again courtesy of Libya. No action was taken against anyone for the bombing until 2000, when one man was convicted and another acquitted.
Things were fairly quiet terrorism-wise during the four year presidency of Bush The Elder, other than him attacking Iraq over their alleged theft of Kuwaiti oil. Then when Clinton became president the attacks started all over again with attacks on the U.S.S. Cole, the first bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993, simultaneous attacks on U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania. At this point President Clinton had figured out that al Qaeda and Osama bin Laden were behind a lot of this stuff and fired cruise missiles into Afghanistan and Sudan at terrorist bases. Richard Clark was assigned to track and kill bin Laden, but he proved pretty elusive. Several opportunities to kill the man were aborted when it was determined there would be too many civilian casualties. Bin Laden is a guy America once supplied with arms and training to fight the Soviet Union in Afghanistan, another Iran-Contra type fiasco that came back to haunt us.
As damaging as all these attacks were, they were as flea bites on a St. Bernard, irritating but not all-consumimg. Then came 9/11/01 and the devastating attacks on New York City and Washington, D.C. That finally got our attention and made us realize we were at war. Unfortunately for America, at that point we had Bush The Elder's son as our president, Bush The Younger, possibly the stupidest and most arrogant individual ever to hold a public office above the rank of dog catcher. After attacking Afghanistan where al Qaeda was based, he decided to invade Iraq, a nation not involved in any way with anti-American terror attacks.
In this way he recruited more Jihad fighters than bin Laden ever dreamed of and 5 years later we're still occupying a crumbling Iraq. Bush the Younger is using Iraq as a battleground to fight new enemies he has actively created while al Qaeda still thrives and plots in Pakistan. Osama bin Laden has practically become part of our political process and moron commentators on TV are wondering just how he will affect this election, perhaps with another "October surprise" like his endorsement of John Kerry in 2004, which some say swung the election to Bush The Younger for a second disastrous term. Other TV jackasses speculate that Bush will pull the capture of bin Laden out of his hat like Houdini to get John McCain elected instead of the heavy favorite in the polls, Barack Obama. Why anyone would vote one way or another because of our sworn enemy remains a mystery.
So perhaps on this 25th anniversary of the war against the United States by medieval-minded fundamentalists, it is fitting that we are about to elect a new president. Hopefully, Barack Obama and his cabinet will come up with a coherent strategy for battling terrorism and catching Osama bin Laden that doesn't involve invading and occupying innocent nations. It would actually be quite difficult to do any worse than Bush The Younger, who never made any plans beyond his initial gut reactions, which were invariably completely wrong anyway. Impulsive behavior doesn't make any more sense in politics and warfare than it does anywhere else. Our enemies plan long and carefully for each attack. We can at least do the same. Vote for Brack Obama for a fresh set of eyes to tackle this old problem.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 205
The things we worry about happening usually don't happen. It's the completely unexpected fiascos that throw us for a loop. Don't distract yourself worrying. This way you'll have a clear head to deal with the 1,000 pound safe that falls on you when you're walking down the street minding your own business.
THE CURSE OF THE MANNBINO BEGINS
The World Series is on, a splendid match-up between two young and hungry teams, the Philadelphia Phillies and the Tampa Bay Rays, and the best team in baseball is home watching them on TV like the rest of us. Yes, the Boston Red Sox, a scary-good team that never quits, lost to the Tampa Bay Rays in the American League Championship Series. The thinking here is the reason they were eliminated is because they traded away their best hitter, Manny Ramirez. Not only was Ramirez Boston's best hitter, but the best hitter in baseball for many years now. He was the man most responsible for getting the Cleveland Indians, of all teams, into 2 World Series in 1995 and 1997, and getting the Dodgers into the playoffs this year for the first time in 20 years, hitting .396 and driving in 53 runs in 53 games.
As for Boston, before they got Many Ramirez they had not won a World Series since 1918. In Ramirez' 6 1/2 season with the Red Sox, they won two of them in four years and were the team to beat this year. That is, until they traded him. Without his feared bat in the lineup, they became a team that was beaten. They placed second in their division to the Rays, a perennial loser until this year, getting into the playoffs as the wild card team. David Ortiz, called Big Papi when he teamed up with Ramirez to be the most potent # 3 and 4 hitting tandem in baseball, wasn't such a big deal without Manny behind him in the lineup. Opposing pitchers were quick to notice that and Ortiz had a quiet playoffs at the plate.
Ramirez' replacement, Jason Bay, played well but was no Manny Ramirez. Nobody is. A hitter of Ramirez' caliber comes along once in a generation, a man who's very presence in the lineup alters the opposition's game plan drastically. Having Manny in the lineup also improves the batting averages of the hitters around him, since they get more quality pitches to hit. The fact that Ramirez is a lifetime .314 hitter is amazing considering that pitchers rarely challenge him, attempting instead to pitch around him. In two rounds of playoffs with the Dodgers this year, he still managed to hit 4 home runs, one of them off a pitch near his ankles. He drove in 10 runs and scored 9, batting an amazing .533. Many teams will be lining up to offer this 36 year-old hitter tens of millions of dollars a year as a free agent this winter.
It is said the Red Sox got tired of the eccentric Ramirez, much as they tired of their star player in 1918, a pretty eccentric fellow himself. Maybe you've heard of him. His name was Babe Ruth. Made a big splash with the Yankees. Hit more home runs one year than the rest of the league combined. Changed baseball forever. 714 home runs and 96 pitching victories for his career. That Babe Ruth. He had pitched and hit Boston to World Series victories in 1916 and 1918. Then they traded him to the Yankees for the 1920 season and the rest was baseball immortality for one team, bitter mediocrity for the other. After he left it would be 2004 before the Red Sox won the World Series again, people calling it "The Curse of The Bambino." So, let's see, the Red Sox won in 2007, then traded Manny in 2008, so that means the Curse of the Mannbino ought to lift in 2092.
Which is probably all for the best. Boston fans have not known how to act in recent years. They had themselves a perfectly good sore loser identity forged over four generations of futility. Boston fans had a perverse pride in fielding some of the best teams ever to grace a baseball field but never to win a championship. Manny Ramirez came along and burst their bubble. In 2004 it was a huge miracle, the end of 86 years of close-but-no-cigar. Then the Red Sox became perennial contenders and in 2007 won it all again. Now Boston fans were really suffering an identity crisis. Winning really does not become these Bean Town Belligerents. There was no reason any longer for the chip on their shoulder, but they liked it there! A sigh of relief went up in Boston when the man threatening their eight decades of satisfied mediocrity and ingrained hostility was traded away. They can breathe easier now that the threat to their identity is gone. See you in the winner's circle in 85 years, Boston. Meanwhile, it must be good to be back to your old selves.
As for Boston, before they got Many Ramirez they had not won a World Series since 1918. In Ramirez' 6 1/2 season with the Red Sox, they won two of them in four years and were the team to beat this year. That is, until they traded him. Without his feared bat in the lineup, they became a team that was beaten. They placed second in their division to the Rays, a perennial loser until this year, getting into the playoffs as the wild card team. David Ortiz, called Big Papi when he teamed up with Ramirez to be the most potent # 3 and 4 hitting tandem in baseball, wasn't such a big deal without Manny behind him in the lineup. Opposing pitchers were quick to notice that and Ortiz had a quiet playoffs at the plate.
Ramirez' replacement, Jason Bay, played well but was no Manny Ramirez. Nobody is. A hitter of Ramirez' caliber comes along once in a generation, a man who's very presence in the lineup alters the opposition's game plan drastically. Having Manny in the lineup also improves the batting averages of the hitters around him, since they get more quality pitches to hit. The fact that Ramirez is a lifetime .314 hitter is amazing considering that pitchers rarely challenge him, attempting instead to pitch around him. In two rounds of playoffs with the Dodgers this year, he still managed to hit 4 home runs, one of them off a pitch near his ankles. He drove in 10 runs and scored 9, batting an amazing .533. Many teams will be lining up to offer this 36 year-old hitter tens of millions of dollars a year as a free agent this winter.
It is said the Red Sox got tired of the eccentric Ramirez, much as they tired of their star player in 1918, a pretty eccentric fellow himself. Maybe you've heard of him. His name was Babe Ruth. Made a big splash with the Yankees. Hit more home runs one year than the rest of the league combined. Changed baseball forever. 714 home runs and 96 pitching victories for his career. That Babe Ruth. He had pitched and hit Boston to World Series victories in 1916 and 1918. Then they traded him to the Yankees for the 1920 season and the rest was baseball immortality for one team, bitter mediocrity for the other. After he left it would be 2004 before the Red Sox won the World Series again, people calling it "The Curse of The Bambino." So, let's see, the Red Sox won in 2007, then traded Manny in 2008, so that means the Curse of the Mannbino ought to lift in 2092.
Which is probably all for the best. Boston fans have not known how to act in recent years. They had themselves a perfectly good sore loser identity forged over four generations of futility. Boston fans had a perverse pride in fielding some of the best teams ever to grace a baseball field but never to win a championship. Manny Ramirez came along and burst their bubble. In 2004 it was a huge miracle, the end of 86 years of close-but-no-cigar. Then the Red Sox became perennial contenders and in 2007 won it all again. Now Boston fans were really suffering an identity crisis. Winning really does not become these Bean Town Belligerents. There was no reason any longer for the chip on their shoulder, but they liked it there! A sigh of relief went up in Boston when the man threatening their eight decades of satisfied mediocrity and ingrained hostility was traded away. They can breathe easier now that the threat to their identity is gone. See you in the winner's circle in 85 years, Boston. Meanwhile, it must be good to be back to your old selves.
October 20, 2008
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 204
When the whole world is against you and everyone you meet tells you that you are wrong, perhaps it's time to take a moment or two to reflect that the problem just might be you. Odds are you are not Galileo in possession of a profound truth the rest of the world refuses to recognize. You just might be crazy. These things happen. Being nuts is no crime, but no reason for people to agree with you.
COLIN POWELL SEES WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
So now word comes down that Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama. Maybe this is his return to sanity, or maybe a mea culpa for selling his soul to Shotgun Dick Cheney and the Hole In The Head Gang, but either way, he's a hard man to trust again. There was a time not too many years ago when he had the chance to be Barack Obama, but blew it big time. Mr. Powell was the independent darling of American politics, wooed by both parties after he retired as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the fist black man to achieve our nation's highest military position. His perceived integrity and wisdom had pundits wondering if we were looking at our first African American president.
And then he got into bed with the Bush The Younger Administration, the regime that turned gold into shit before our very eyes for 8 long years. Colin Powell became the first black Secretary of State, at first the only voice of reason within Bush The Younger's cabinet, advising the war mongers eager to invade Iraq that "if you break it, you buy it." It wasn't too long, though, before Powell was corrupted, going against his own counsel by appearing before the United Nations with bogus intelligence claiming that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Some of the papers he was waving so dramatically were drawings! Hardly what you'd call a smoking gun. More like a drawing of a smoking gun, minus the caption: "This is not a smoking gun."
Obama welcomed his endorsement, naturally, since Mr. Powell still commands the respect of many independent voters. He did go a little overboard though, saying that there might be a place for him in an Obama administration. As what? Secretary of the Inferior? Powell has already compromised his principles and knows it, regarding his service in the current administration as a blot on his record. Well, at least he's not crazy and in denial like the rest of the Hole In The Head Gang. But that's no reason to trust the man again. If he wanted redemption, why did he not go public with the crimes of the Bush The Younger Administration?
Why is his late-in-the-game endorsement any different from Scott McClellan writing a book to cash in on crimes the Bush Administration committed years ago when going public right away could have saved this nation a lot of grief? Powell wants redemption, McClellan wants millions of dollars in royalties. What's the difference? These self-serving Johnny-come-latelys have grown a conscience too little and far too late. In Colin Powell's case, jumping on the bandwagon of a sure thing late in the campaign doesn't erase the fact that he knows a lot that he's not telling, maybe because so much of what he knows would reflect badly on himself. Which only makes his betrayal worse, and his endorsement nearly meaningless.
In many ways the life of Powell made Barack Obama's campaign possible, and had he remained the Colin Powell he was before he joined the worst administration in America's history, that endorsement would carry a lot more weight. As it is now, his presence in an Obama administration would be a dead weight, a reminder of compromised principles, corruption and vicious attacks by our own government on our sacred Bill of Rights. Take Colin Powell's endorsement with a grain of salt, then let him go back home and write his memoirs. Maybe in that book he'll come out smelling like a rose, they way we all once thought he would. In real life, however, his smell is a very different one than that of a rose. Pity the man for what once might have been, but do not trust him again.
And then he got into bed with the Bush The Younger Administration, the regime that turned gold into shit before our very eyes for 8 long years. Colin Powell became the first black Secretary of State, at first the only voice of reason within Bush The Younger's cabinet, advising the war mongers eager to invade Iraq that "if you break it, you buy it." It wasn't too long, though, before Powell was corrupted, going against his own counsel by appearing before the United Nations with bogus intelligence claiming that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Some of the papers he was waving so dramatically were drawings! Hardly what you'd call a smoking gun. More like a drawing of a smoking gun, minus the caption: "This is not a smoking gun."
Obama welcomed his endorsement, naturally, since Mr. Powell still commands the respect of many independent voters. He did go a little overboard though, saying that there might be a place for him in an Obama administration. As what? Secretary of the Inferior? Powell has already compromised his principles and knows it, regarding his service in the current administration as a blot on his record. Well, at least he's not crazy and in denial like the rest of the Hole In The Head Gang. But that's no reason to trust the man again. If he wanted redemption, why did he not go public with the crimes of the Bush The Younger Administration?
Why is his late-in-the-game endorsement any different from Scott McClellan writing a book to cash in on crimes the Bush Administration committed years ago when going public right away could have saved this nation a lot of grief? Powell wants redemption, McClellan wants millions of dollars in royalties. What's the difference? These self-serving Johnny-come-latelys have grown a conscience too little and far too late. In Colin Powell's case, jumping on the bandwagon of a sure thing late in the campaign doesn't erase the fact that he knows a lot that he's not telling, maybe because so much of what he knows would reflect badly on himself. Which only makes his betrayal worse, and his endorsement nearly meaningless.
In many ways the life of Powell made Barack Obama's campaign possible, and had he remained the Colin Powell he was before he joined the worst administration in America's history, that endorsement would carry a lot more weight. As it is now, his presence in an Obama administration would be a dead weight, a reminder of compromised principles, corruption and vicious attacks by our own government on our sacred Bill of Rights. Take Colin Powell's endorsement with a grain of salt, then let him go back home and write his memoirs. Maybe in that book he'll come out smelling like a rose, they way we all once thought he would. In real life, however, his smell is a very different one than that of a rose. Pity the man for what once might have been, but do not trust him again.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 203
If you want to know what a child is thinking, just ask them and they'll tell you. That's not usually the case with adults. Listen close to their words, but watch their actions closer.
IN ODD NEWS TIDBITS, CONNECTING THE DOTS
It's fortunate for John McCain that he is not running for the presidency of Tanzania. In that nation, albinos are routinely hunted down and dismembered for use in witch doctor rituals, the thinking being that the blood and body parts of albinos are good luck and will make a person rich swiftly. Not necessarily good luck for the albinos, though, in a nation where even the authorities share this notion. Johnny Winter would be wise to cancel any tour plans of the area until education and reason take root over there.
In other news out of Africa, Nigeria has announced severe budget cutbacks due to falling oil prices. Most of their citizens won't notice, however, since they live a sort of Bronze Age existence in one of the world's leading oil exporters. The budget cuts will mainly effect the Gilbert & Sullivan costume budget for their military leaders. It's not cheap being the very picture of a modern major general. The price of gold braid, brocade sashes, riding crops and shiny knee boots has skyrocketed.
In Britain, a lot of secret tunnels are up for sale, built during World War 2 as bomb shelters for key government officials. Similarly, in The United States, the imminent departure of Vice President Shotgun Dick Cheney from office is expected to flood the real estate market with undisclosed locations, all of them boasting amenities like hot tubs, extra bedrooms for Secret Service agents, lots of medial equipment like defibrillators, life support apparatus and bionic body part recharging ports.
The population of West African chimpanzees has declined nearly 90% in recent years. Scientists wonder where they went. Neutral observers note that the chimps started "disappearing" about the same time the world's largest banks and mortgage lenders started hiring some very questionable talent to fill executive jobs in the loan and credit departments. Some investigators into the worldwide financial disaster are pushing for DNA testing of some of these executives to see if there is a link between the missing apes and the undisciplined gang of knuckle-draggers who treated the world's money supply like a bunch of, well... chimps.
!950's nostalgia is always a popular thing in America. The '50's represent to many of us a more innocent, stable, and prosperous time for this nation. President Eisenhower was like a benevolent grandfather presiding over the baby boom, doo-wop music, the first exciting rock & roll recordings, a strong economy and a feeling of well-being after the trauma of the Great Depression and World War 2. But not all was sweetness and light in the 1950's, and Republican Congresswoman Michelle Bachman of Minnesota apparently wants to revive one of the most disgraceful chapters in American politics, the McCarthy witch hunts. This clueless dingbat is making all sorts of bigoted noise about who is "Anti-American" and who is "Pro-American" and wants Congress to decide who is who, in a return to communist witch hunts and blacklisting. Many Americans think she ought to be the first person listed as Profoundly Anti-American and tossed on her fat ass out of Congress.
In other news out of Africa, Nigeria has announced severe budget cutbacks due to falling oil prices. Most of their citizens won't notice, however, since they live a sort of Bronze Age existence in one of the world's leading oil exporters. The budget cuts will mainly effect the Gilbert & Sullivan costume budget for their military leaders. It's not cheap being the very picture of a modern major general. The price of gold braid, brocade sashes, riding crops and shiny knee boots has skyrocketed.
In Britain, a lot of secret tunnels are up for sale, built during World War 2 as bomb shelters for key government officials. Similarly, in The United States, the imminent departure of Vice President Shotgun Dick Cheney from office is expected to flood the real estate market with undisclosed locations, all of them boasting amenities like hot tubs, extra bedrooms for Secret Service agents, lots of medial equipment like defibrillators, life support apparatus and bionic body part recharging ports.
The population of West African chimpanzees has declined nearly 90% in recent years. Scientists wonder where they went. Neutral observers note that the chimps started "disappearing" about the same time the world's largest banks and mortgage lenders started hiring some very questionable talent to fill executive jobs in the loan and credit departments. Some investigators into the worldwide financial disaster are pushing for DNA testing of some of these executives to see if there is a link between the missing apes and the undisciplined gang of knuckle-draggers who treated the world's money supply like a bunch of, well... chimps.
!950's nostalgia is always a popular thing in America. The '50's represent to many of us a more innocent, stable, and prosperous time for this nation. President Eisenhower was like a benevolent grandfather presiding over the baby boom, doo-wop music, the first exciting rock & roll recordings, a strong economy and a feeling of well-being after the trauma of the Great Depression and World War 2. But not all was sweetness and light in the 1950's, and Republican Congresswoman Michelle Bachman of Minnesota apparently wants to revive one of the most disgraceful chapters in American politics, the McCarthy witch hunts. This clueless dingbat is making all sorts of bigoted noise about who is "Anti-American" and who is "Pro-American" and wants Congress to decide who is who, in a return to communist witch hunts and blacklisting. Many Americans think she ought to be the first person listed as Profoundly Anti-American and tossed on her fat ass out of Congress.
October 19, 2008
DOPOTO REPORTS: WE'RE SWAMPED WITH THE OBVIOUS HERE
At The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO), the burning question here is: Where do we begin? This department's mandate has always been and will continue to be pointing out the readily apparent in the blizzard of fake news and high-profile red herring reports. And lately there seems to be no shortage of blatantly obvious news being tediously overanalyzed and completely misinterpreted. Take this whole financial crisis. What it boils down to is rich, spoiled and badly aging yuppies stealing and screwing up on a monumental scale, nothing really all that new or unique. Only this time, they've blown a whole lot of their own money as well as that of their stockholders and pensioners. Which is why all the fuss.
Now, so far as our diligent researchers can ascertain, that hasn't happened since Black Thursday. In a regular economic crisis, the rest of us take it in the neck and the rich stay that way. The exception was 1929 when it rained stockbroker suicides from the gleaming towers of Wall Street. This time around, the rich are losing money again but countless financial executives' lives have been spared by the fact that today's modern skyscrapers don't have windows they can open, to say nothing of the potential collateral damage to pedestrians and public real estate by falling fat guys.
Another fact hiding in plain sight in recent news is the obvious fact that our presidential campaign is all but over, the voting a mere formality. John McCain as much as admitted this when in desperation he picked Alaska's sexy, saucy but clueless trailer trash governor for his running mate in an effort to jump-start his campaign. Like most desperation moves, from Hail Mary passes in football games to flapping one's arms when the parachute doesn't open, it was quite entertaining for that breathtaking moment when the ball or the flailing body soars majestically into the sky. Unfortunately, Hail Mary passes and parachute-challenged skydivers seldom succeed, almost always hitting terra firma with a resounding thud.
What McCain has achieved, however, is the almost single-handed revitalization of an important domestic industry; comedy writing. Indeed, Senator McCain and Sarah Palin have if anything made it too easy for our comedians, almost eclipsing Bush The Younger's bootlicking approach to letting greedy bankers off the hook without so much as a parking ticket. DOPOTO reminds readers not to try these larcenous shenanigans at home, however, lest you find out first hand that only the very, very wealthy need apply for blanket amnesty for high crimes and misdemeanors from the president.
Small time pikers like ordinary bank robbers, burglars and stick-up artists who steal mere thousands of dollars are swiftly arrested and tossed in the slammer for many years, plenty of time to reflect on the fatal flaw in their schemes: they simply didn't steal enough to qualify for matching Federal funding, bail outs and tax breaks. One of our mottos here at DOPOTO has always been: "Thinking small is its own reward." In the case of regular crooks, that reward is usually 15 to 25 years in the facility of the state's choice. Steal billions and the government joins your racket, knowing a good thing when they see one. Everybody knows this, which is sort of the whole point of The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious, pointing out the obvious in a world that could use a reminder every so often.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation weighs in with their own predictable piece of news. It seems so many agents have been assigned to anti-terror and intelligence-gathering duties in recent years that they are hard-pressed to investigate criminal cases stemming from the recent financial disaster. DOPOTO suggests the FBI declares these bank frauds acts of economic terrorism and get the Joint Terrorism Task Force on the case. A couple of months in Guantanamo beyond the reach of their multimillion dollar dream teams of defense lawyers ought to convince these geniuses to cooperate. Then again, perhaps the crowd in charge of finding Osama bin Laden might not be the optimum choice for nailing the white collar thugs. What with, you know, results not being their long suit and all.
In other glaringly obvious news, The People's Republic of China has announced they are returning to their policy of earnest repression of the press, both their own and any foreign media outlets reporting from within their borders. Once the Olympics were over, who didn't see that one coming? The People's Republic shares DOPOTO's passion for pointing out the 800 pound gorilla in the room. To their credit, the Chinese leadership never claimed to be anything other than oppressive totalitarian thugs. In their only admirable trait, they are very clear and not the least bit ambiguous these things.
One last obvious headline that has swept aside coverage of everything else; the worst financial crisis in 79 years, two disastrous wars, a critical presidential election and falling gas prices is of course Madonna's divorce, a bigger story than anything in the world at the moment. DOPOTO salutes Madonna for putting the world's troubles in perspective. In one bold gesture she reminds us that things aren't quite so bad that we don't have plenty of time for a sexy celebrity divorce. Things can't be all that bad. And kudos to Madonna for reminding the world why she matters. It's not her singing, or dancing, or her acting, but for being Madonna and all that implies. Sex, mainly. Open, unashamed and blatant sexuality that doesn't give a rat's ass what anybody thinks about such a woman. Once there was Dietrich, Harlowe, Mansfield and Monroe. Now there is Madonna.
And as for her soon-to-be-ex-husband Guy Ritchie and his family, who seem to be taking it awfully hard, The Department offers Mr. Ritchie a short piece of advice and three questions. The advice? These things happen. Get over it. The questions:
1.) Were you expecting a different outcome from what was very clearly the only way your marriage would turn out. Everybody in the entire world knew it except you. Your marriage made you world famous overnight and all of a sudden your movies commanded a lot of attention. You have no complaint, Mister-I'll-Be-Known-As-Mister-Madonna-Forever.
2.) When you married Madonna, were you under the impression you were getting a life's companion?
3.) Exactly why? She is Madonna, sir.
Ignore the obvious if you will, but try not to be too shocked when that doesn't work out for the better. Until next time, DOPOTO signing off.
Now, so far as our diligent researchers can ascertain, that hasn't happened since Black Thursday. In a regular economic crisis, the rest of us take it in the neck and the rich stay that way. The exception was 1929 when it rained stockbroker suicides from the gleaming towers of Wall Street. This time around, the rich are losing money again but countless financial executives' lives have been spared by the fact that today's modern skyscrapers don't have windows they can open, to say nothing of the potential collateral damage to pedestrians and public real estate by falling fat guys.
Another fact hiding in plain sight in recent news is the obvious fact that our presidential campaign is all but over, the voting a mere formality. John McCain as much as admitted this when in desperation he picked Alaska's sexy, saucy but clueless trailer trash governor for his running mate in an effort to jump-start his campaign. Like most desperation moves, from Hail Mary passes in football games to flapping one's arms when the parachute doesn't open, it was quite entertaining for that breathtaking moment when the ball or the flailing body soars majestically into the sky. Unfortunately, Hail Mary passes and parachute-challenged skydivers seldom succeed, almost always hitting terra firma with a resounding thud.
What McCain has achieved, however, is the almost single-handed revitalization of an important domestic industry; comedy writing. Indeed, Senator McCain and Sarah Palin have if anything made it too easy for our comedians, almost eclipsing Bush The Younger's bootlicking approach to letting greedy bankers off the hook without so much as a parking ticket. DOPOTO reminds readers not to try these larcenous shenanigans at home, however, lest you find out first hand that only the very, very wealthy need apply for blanket amnesty for high crimes and misdemeanors from the president.
Small time pikers like ordinary bank robbers, burglars and stick-up artists who steal mere thousands of dollars are swiftly arrested and tossed in the slammer for many years, plenty of time to reflect on the fatal flaw in their schemes: they simply didn't steal enough to qualify for matching Federal funding, bail outs and tax breaks. One of our mottos here at DOPOTO has always been: "Thinking small is its own reward." In the case of regular crooks, that reward is usually 15 to 25 years in the facility of the state's choice. Steal billions and the government joins your racket, knowing a good thing when they see one. Everybody knows this, which is sort of the whole point of The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious, pointing out the obvious in a world that could use a reminder every so often.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation weighs in with their own predictable piece of news. It seems so many agents have been assigned to anti-terror and intelligence-gathering duties in recent years that they are hard-pressed to investigate criminal cases stemming from the recent financial disaster. DOPOTO suggests the FBI declares these bank frauds acts of economic terrorism and get the Joint Terrorism Task Force on the case. A couple of months in Guantanamo beyond the reach of their multimillion dollar dream teams of defense lawyers ought to convince these geniuses to cooperate. Then again, perhaps the crowd in charge of finding Osama bin Laden might not be the optimum choice for nailing the white collar thugs. What with, you know, results not being their long suit and all.
In other glaringly obvious news, The People's Republic of China has announced they are returning to their policy of earnest repression of the press, both their own and any foreign media outlets reporting from within their borders. Once the Olympics were over, who didn't see that one coming? The People's Republic shares DOPOTO's passion for pointing out the 800 pound gorilla in the room. To their credit, the Chinese leadership never claimed to be anything other than oppressive totalitarian thugs. In their only admirable trait, they are very clear and not the least bit ambiguous these things.
One last obvious headline that has swept aside coverage of everything else; the worst financial crisis in 79 years, two disastrous wars, a critical presidential election and falling gas prices is of course Madonna's divorce, a bigger story than anything in the world at the moment. DOPOTO salutes Madonna for putting the world's troubles in perspective. In one bold gesture she reminds us that things aren't quite so bad that we don't have plenty of time for a sexy celebrity divorce. Things can't be all that bad. And kudos to Madonna for reminding the world why she matters. It's not her singing, or dancing, or her acting, but for being Madonna and all that implies. Sex, mainly. Open, unashamed and blatant sexuality that doesn't give a rat's ass what anybody thinks about such a woman. Once there was Dietrich, Harlowe, Mansfield and Monroe. Now there is Madonna.
And as for her soon-to-be-ex-husband Guy Ritchie and his family, who seem to be taking it awfully hard, The Department offers Mr. Ritchie a short piece of advice and three questions. The advice? These things happen. Get over it. The questions:
1.) Were you expecting a different outcome from what was very clearly the only way your marriage would turn out. Everybody in the entire world knew it except you. Your marriage made you world famous overnight and all of a sudden your movies commanded a lot of attention. You have no complaint, Mister-I'll-Be-Known-As-Mister-Madonna-Forever.
2.) When you married Madonna, were you under the impression you were getting a life's companion?
3.) Exactly why? She is Madonna, sir.
Ignore the obvious if you will, but try not to be too shocked when that doesn't work out for the better. Until next time, DOPOTO signing off.
October 17, 2008
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 201
While many men suffer from colorblindness, few women do. So guys, don't argue when she tells you what matches and what doesn't when you're getting dressed to go out. Unless your name is Christian Dior or Ralph Lauren, odds are your sartorial credentials are a little light. Besides, what the hell do you care anyway? Keep your woman happy and she'll make your ride smoother. Defy her at your peril.
IT'S CYING TIME FOR THE OIL COMPANIES. TUNE UP THE VIOLINS AND WHIP OUT THE HANKIES
The New York Times reports that oil producing nations and big oil companies are crying the blues over the price of oil dropping to $70 a barrel, the lowest price since 2006. Well boo-friggin'-hoo! Looking up the stats, in 2006 the oil companies reaped billions and billions in profits, setting all kinds of records, and none of the various dictators or kings running the oil producing nations were forced to cut back on their caviar and champagne budgets. Oil company executives raked in astounding salaries and bonuses, those bonuses being voted to themselves by themselves and paid out of other people's money, that of their stockholders, also known as patsies. Nice trick if you can get away with it.
So why do they say now that the low price of oil poses a danger to world markets? It's nothing but good news to everybody else, freeing up nearly a billion dollars every single day that Americans were pumping into their gas tanks just last month. Sounds like a good thing for the economy, and the oil companies can still make huge profits and keep rewarding their executives with lottery money every Christmas. Could it be that they want more? You think? Maybe they see what happened to the nation's financial sector and figure they'd better get theirs while the getting is good.
Not that they're paying attention to the damage the financial crisis is doing to America and Americans, that's never been Big Oil's hang up, but the damage done to the vast earning power of top executives. They recoil at the thought of their brethren in the financial industries having their earnings monitored and their princely bonuses curtailed by their new partner, the Federal Government. Not that there's any chance of Big Oil going broke and getting nationalized like the banks, investment houses and insurance companies. They're swimming in money.
And what the hell, everything runs on oil, so selling oil is about as tough as selling insulin to a diabetic. A high school student with a video game addiction could do it without looking up from the screen. The only guy dumb enough to lose money in the oil business is, well, The President of the United States these past 8 years, one Bush The Younger (how embarrassing is that, America?). Not too hard a guy to be smarter than, really. Which the Big Oil executives certainly are judging from the tens of billions of dollars in tax breaks they've gotten from Dumbya every year as "incentives" to do what they would be doing anyway to go along with their record profit margins. Life gets no sweeter.
Maybe they're afraid of the Feds looking around desperately for new tax revenues now that they're on the hook for over a trillion bucks in bad debts and lots more to come and one of them saying: "Hey, wait a minute! Don't those oil guys have all the money? Let's tax them!" It could happen. Not likely under Bush The Younger, but he's gone in 3 months, and then Obama will be in and they don't own his ass, an oversight they are already bitterly regretting as they watch John McCain's Big Oil-friendly campaign degenerate into slapstick comedy.
So now is the time for them to start creating some sort of phony panic about the low price of oil (as if 3 bucks and change a gallon is cheap!), trying to graft it onto the convenient aura of fear about our economy. Only this time nobody's buying their greedy opportunism. Leave it to corporate princes to not rally around their country in a time of economic crisis and pledge to keep oil prices as low as possible and ensure a plentiful supply. With the average Big Oil CEO making $15.6 million year before bonuses and lucrative stock options, you have to ask yourself why they make so much to sell a product that sells itself?
The answer to that one is: Because they can! It's not like anyone can say: "No, thanks, I'll walk everywhere I go and live in a cold, dark house." It's good to be king, no? Well, America got its start by toppling the rule of kings. When a product is absolutely essential to everything that runs, flashes, hums, rumbles or burns, you'd think a government would have formulated a policy about its price and distribution in the 35 years since the Oil Embargo and gasoline rationing in America when Nixon was president, as well as having moved forward with all due haste to find alternative energy sources. That would make a drop of sense, no?
This is, after all, the nation that put a guy on the moon almost 40 years ago, so it's not like there's a shortage of know-how around here. Big Oil knows this too, and realizes they can't discourage alternative fuel development and more efficient engines forever like they've been doing since the 1930's so they'd better just jack up the price now before the next president mandates a new Apollo-type program to fix the problem. And that next president might just have the balls to make them pay their share of taxes, a terrifying thought to these people. Instead, they would scare us and hold us up without a gun.
Time to investigate their business practices, strictly regulate their arrogant cowboy asses, expose their powerful lobbying organizations and tax them in a way that prevents them from passing their fair share of taxes to you and I at the gas pump. Root out and arrest all their accomplices in crime from the Federal Government while we're at it. Then use those taxes to pay for the Apollo program to find a different way to make all our stuff run, flash, hum, rumble and burn. They may take it hard, but they'll get over it eventually. Meanwhile, we'll tune up the violins and pass them some hankies while they weep for their lost kingdoms. Boo-friggin'-hoo!
So why do they say now that the low price of oil poses a danger to world markets? It's nothing but good news to everybody else, freeing up nearly a billion dollars every single day that Americans were pumping into their gas tanks just last month. Sounds like a good thing for the economy, and the oil companies can still make huge profits and keep rewarding their executives with lottery money every Christmas. Could it be that they want more? You think? Maybe they see what happened to the nation's financial sector and figure they'd better get theirs while the getting is good.
Not that they're paying attention to the damage the financial crisis is doing to America and Americans, that's never been Big Oil's hang up, but the damage done to the vast earning power of top executives. They recoil at the thought of their brethren in the financial industries having their earnings monitored and their princely bonuses curtailed by their new partner, the Federal Government. Not that there's any chance of Big Oil going broke and getting nationalized like the banks, investment houses and insurance companies. They're swimming in money.
And what the hell, everything runs on oil, so selling oil is about as tough as selling insulin to a diabetic. A high school student with a video game addiction could do it without looking up from the screen. The only guy dumb enough to lose money in the oil business is, well, The President of the United States these past 8 years, one Bush The Younger (how embarrassing is that, America?). Not too hard a guy to be smarter than, really. Which the Big Oil executives certainly are judging from the tens of billions of dollars in tax breaks they've gotten from Dumbya every year as "incentives" to do what they would be doing anyway to go along with their record profit margins. Life gets no sweeter.
Maybe they're afraid of the Feds looking around desperately for new tax revenues now that they're on the hook for over a trillion bucks in bad debts and lots more to come and one of them saying: "Hey, wait a minute! Don't those oil guys have all the money? Let's tax them!" It could happen. Not likely under Bush The Younger, but he's gone in 3 months, and then Obama will be in and they don't own his ass, an oversight they are already bitterly regretting as they watch John McCain's Big Oil-friendly campaign degenerate into slapstick comedy.
So now is the time for them to start creating some sort of phony panic about the low price of oil (as if 3 bucks and change a gallon is cheap!), trying to graft it onto the convenient aura of fear about our economy. Only this time nobody's buying their greedy opportunism. Leave it to corporate princes to not rally around their country in a time of economic crisis and pledge to keep oil prices as low as possible and ensure a plentiful supply. With the average Big Oil CEO making $15.6 million year before bonuses and lucrative stock options, you have to ask yourself why they make so much to sell a product that sells itself?
The answer to that one is: Because they can! It's not like anyone can say: "No, thanks, I'll walk everywhere I go and live in a cold, dark house." It's good to be king, no? Well, America got its start by toppling the rule of kings. When a product is absolutely essential to everything that runs, flashes, hums, rumbles or burns, you'd think a government would have formulated a policy about its price and distribution in the 35 years since the Oil Embargo and gasoline rationing in America when Nixon was president, as well as having moved forward with all due haste to find alternative energy sources. That would make a drop of sense, no?
This is, after all, the nation that put a guy on the moon almost 40 years ago, so it's not like there's a shortage of know-how around here. Big Oil knows this too, and realizes they can't discourage alternative fuel development and more efficient engines forever like they've been doing since the 1930's so they'd better just jack up the price now before the next president mandates a new Apollo-type program to fix the problem. And that next president might just have the balls to make them pay their share of taxes, a terrifying thought to these people. Instead, they would scare us and hold us up without a gun.
Time to investigate their business practices, strictly regulate their arrogant cowboy asses, expose their powerful lobbying organizations and tax them in a way that prevents them from passing their fair share of taxes to you and I at the gas pump. Root out and arrest all their accomplices in crime from the Federal Government while we're at it. Then use those taxes to pay for the Apollo program to find a different way to make all our stuff run, flash, hum, rumble and burn. They may take it hard, but they'll get over it eventually. Meanwhile, we'll tune up the violins and pass them some hankies while they weep for their lost kingdoms. Boo-friggin'-hoo!
October 16, 2008
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 200
While some people claim that talking to houseplants is good for their health, the plants have yet to respond one way or another. We really have no way of knowing if we are soothing them or bothering the crap out them. So, converse with your ferns if it makes you happy, but don't get miffed by their silence.
FINALLY SOME GOOD NEWS: BATBOY AND W.W.W. RETURNS!
Bat Boy is coming back to news stands across this great nation once again, and not a minute too soon. In a world where all of a sudden the news has all turned bad, an announcement was made that publication of the Weekly World News will resume shortly. Their motto is "The World's Only Reliable News," and since its inception in 1979 had striven mightily to live up to that mandate. In no other weekly news magazine do you have a section devoted to what space aliens are up to on our planet. Does Time or News Week tell us that Sarah Palin bagged a Bigfoot while hunting? And who but Ed Anger can identify America's greatest problems and come up with simple and sensible solutions in classic editorials such as this one: "Let's Pave The Stupid Rain Forests And Give Schoolteachers Stun Guns!"
Weekly World News goes where Mainstream Media dare not tread. They provided us with photographs of both Heaven and Hell, the interior of alien spacecraft and of Osama bin Laden's cave. As a matter of fact, Bat Boy himself provided the U.S. military the location of bin Laden in that famous incident where Bush The Younger let him get away in Afghanistan's Tora Bora region. Bat Boy has since soured on working through official channels and has returned to working as a free agent operative, fighting injustice wherever it may be found. Not that he has abandoned America. Bat Boy recently resurfaced to endorse Barack Obama, even bringing along Obama's long-lost half-brother Barack Obatma for an emotional family reunion!
Weekly World News digs hard for the truth, just like the Mole People the government thought they could keep a secret from the rest of us. The Mole people, you say? Why was that not headline news in other publications? Well, they can't all be W.W.W., can they? There's only one news organization willing to dedicate a portion of its content to the many mutants and animal/human hybrids living among us that the worlds' governments would keep a secret from us. Who else but W.W.W. would get the inside information on the many organs John McCain had replaced with computer parts, thus explaining his previously puzzling robotic behavior?
Well, now that Bat Boy and Weekly World News are back, I expect this financial crisis to ease up as well. A few visits through their skyscraper windows from an angry Bat Boy ought to straighten out these greedy Wall Street CEOs. Nothing like getting dangled out of the 60th floor by your ankles by an angry bat/human hybrid with razor sharp teeth and claws and a short fuse to make you see the wisdom of honesty and integrity. Of course that might entail letting a few of these thieving bozos fall to the pavement with a bloody thud, but Bat Boy is willing to go the extra yard to make his point and the rest of them will fall in line swiftly. Barack Obama would do well to include Bat Boy in his inner circle of advisors.
And all Americans would do themselves a favor by paying close attention to the tireless investigative reporting of Weekly World News. Kim Jong Il was recently spotted in a record store in the state of Georgia. Did any other media outlet inform you? The real reason A-Rod and Madonna have been seen together lately is that he is her love child given up for adoption when Madge was a teenager. Did USA Today catch that? And when the U.S.S. Intrepid, the aircraft carrier and air/space museum sailed back into New York Harbor, why did all the other media outlets air-brush out the images of the giant 4-armed prehistoric beast the Kraken out of the picture? W.W.W. showed Grakkle the Kraken in all his glory and even quoted Mayor Bloomberg's comments on his appearance at the festivities, which none of the other New York papers saw fit to do. Well, the days of secrets, lies and censorship are over. Bat Boy and Weekly World News have returned and a grateful nation welcomes them home.
Weekly World News goes where Mainstream Media dare not tread. They provided us with photographs of both Heaven and Hell, the interior of alien spacecraft and of Osama bin Laden's cave. As a matter of fact, Bat Boy himself provided the U.S. military the location of bin Laden in that famous incident where Bush The Younger let him get away in Afghanistan's Tora Bora region. Bat Boy has since soured on working through official channels and has returned to working as a free agent operative, fighting injustice wherever it may be found. Not that he has abandoned America. Bat Boy recently resurfaced to endorse Barack Obama, even bringing along Obama's long-lost half-brother Barack Obatma for an emotional family reunion!
Weekly World News digs hard for the truth, just like the Mole People the government thought they could keep a secret from the rest of us. The Mole people, you say? Why was that not headline news in other publications? Well, they can't all be W.W.W., can they? There's only one news organization willing to dedicate a portion of its content to the many mutants and animal/human hybrids living among us that the worlds' governments would keep a secret from us. Who else but W.W.W. would get the inside information on the many organs John McCain had replaced with computer parts, thus explaining his previously puzzling robotic behavior?
Well, now that Bat Boy and Weekly World News are back, I expect this financial crisis to ease up as well. A few visits through their skyscraper windows from an angry Bat Boy ought to straighten out these greedy Wall Street CEOs. Nothing like getting dangled out of the 60th floor by your ankles by an angry bat/human hybrid with razor sharp teeth and claws and a short fuse to make you see the wisdom of honesty and integrity. Of course that might entail letting a few of these thieving bozos fall to the pavement with a bloody thud, but Bat Boy is willing to go the extra yard to make his point and the rest of them will fall in line swiftly. Barack Obama would do well to include Bat Boy in his inner circle of advisors.
And all Americans would do themselves a favor by paying close attention to the tireless investigative reporting of Weekly World News. Kim Jong Il was recently spotted in a record store in the state of Georgia. Did any other media outlet inform you? The real reason A-Rod and Madonna have been seen together lately is that he is her love child given up for adoption when Madge was a teenager. Did USA Today catch that? And when the U.S.S. Intrepid, the aircraft carrier and air/space museum sailed back into New York Harbor, why did all the other media outlets air-brush out the images of the giant 4-armed prehistoric beast the Kraken out of the picture? W.W.W. showed Grakkle the Kraken in all his glory and even quoted Mayor Bloomberg's comments on his appearance at the festivities, which none of the other New York papers saw fit to do. Well, the days of secrets, lies and censorship are over. Bat Boy and Weekly World News have returned and a grateful nation welcomes them home.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 199
When you are ill you make all sorts of solemn promises to yourself to take better care of your health. As soon as you recover and you're feeling pretty frisky again, those promises sort of fade to the status of optional guidelines. People are funny like that.
JOHN McCAIN IS A HINDU AND HANGS AROUND WITH TRANSVESTITES!
John McCain is a Hindu and hangs around with transvestites. A pretty bold statement, and completely untrue, but here it is being said twice in a row on the internet, in bold print, no less, so there must be something to it. Shouldn't people fear him? Shouldn't they be completely repulsed by the fact that a practicing Hindu and a friend to sexual deviants is running for President of the United States? A man who plans to take his oath of office on the Vedas, the Hindu bible! And as a Hindu President, he will ban eating beef! Big Macs will become Big Soy burgers!
And not only that, John McCain's 10 homes all double as Hindu Temples and transvestite brothels. Take a closer look at his "wife," Cindy, who's slim hips and flat chest aren't fooling anybody. Cindy McCain is really a man! Two more lies, but they are written in bold print and published on the internet, so again, you have to wonder if there's some truth to these absurd statement. That is, if you're a complete moron.
But morons vote. Ask the people who claim to think Obama is a Muslim who hates white people. Or those who think Sarah Palin is infused with The Holy Spirit. They're going to vote. Not for (the Hindu transvestite lover) John McCain, but against Barack Obama. One suspects that all this bullshit about Islam and anti-white rumors is simply a mask for their racism, still being unwilling to vote for a black man, even if he is half white. They question where he was born (the answer to that is America), where his loyalties lie (again, to America) and all sorts of really irrelevant crap that's a real stretch, even to the sensibilities of complete morons.
The fact is, there's still plenty of racists left in America, but they know it's dead wrong so they make all kinds of other excuses for not supporting Barack Obama. It's fine not to vote for someone because you disagree with their policies, no matter what their skin color. Obama doesn't earn a single vote for being black. It's the policies he proposes that should sink or float his campaign. But his policies are not something that racists care about. They see the color of his skin and stop right there, and are even willing to vote for a man like McCain who will ensure a continuation of Bush The Younger's disastrous policies for our country.
These people are perfectly aware that Obama is not a Muslim, does not hate white people, does not hang around with terrorists and is a loyal American. Those are simply smoke screens since they don't have the balls to come out and say out loud that they hate blacks and would never cast their vote for a black candidate. They may be stupid and ignorant, but the rest of us are not and they are fooling no one but themselves and one another. So all you can say to assholes like this is John McCain is a Hindu and hangs around with transvestites and will change our motto to In Vishnu We trust!
And not only that, John McCain's 10 homes all double as Hindu Temples and transvestite brothels. Take a closer look at his "wife," Cindy, who's slim hips and flat chest aren't fooling anybody. Cindy McCain is really a man! Two more lies, but they are written in bold print and published on the internet, so again, you have to wonder if there's some truth to these absurd statement. That is, if you're a complete moron.
But morons vote. Ask the people who claim to think Obama is a Muslim who hates white people. Or those who think Sarah Palin is infused with The Holy Spirit. They're going to vote. Not for (the Hindu transvestite lover) John McCain, but against Barack Obama. One suspects that all this bullshit about Islam and anti-white rumors is simply a mask for their racism, still being unwilling to vote for a black man, even if he is half white. They question where he was born (the answer to that is America), where his loyalties lie (again, to America) and all sorts of really irrelevant crap that's a real stretch, even to the sensibilities of complete morons.
The fact is, there's still plenty of racists left in America, but they know it's dead wrong so they make all kinds of other excuses for not supporting Barack Obama. It's fine not to vote for someone because you disagree with their policies, no matter what their skin color. Obama doesn't earn a single vote for being black. It's the policies he proposes that should sink or float his campaign. But his policies are not something that racists care about. They see the color of his skin and stop right there, and are even willing to vote for a man like McCain who will ensure a continuation of Bush The Younger's disastrous policies for our country.
These people are perfectly aware that Obama is not a Muslim, does not hate white people, does not hang around with terrorists and is a loyal American. Those are simply smoke screens since they don't have the balls to come out and say out loud that they hate blacks and would never cast their vote for a black candidate. They may be stupid and ignorant, but the rest of us are not and they are fooling no one but themselves and one another. So all you can say to assholes like this is John McCain is a Hindu and hangs around with transvestites and will change our motto to In Vishnu We trust!
October 15, 2008
TOO FAT TO DIE AND OTHER FALSE ASSUMPTIONS
There was a double murderer in Ohio who was sentenced to death. He argued that his morbid obesity made lethal injection inhumane since it would be difficult to find a vein amid all his blubber, in essence, that he was too fat to die. Ohio didn't buy it, and had him injected with the lethal cocktail anyway the other day. It turns out he was laboring under a false assumption. The technicians had no difficulty at all finding a handy vein, and he was most certainly not too fat to die. The odds are overwhelming that tomorrow will bring similar reports as to his fate. Dead guys, really fat or otherwise, tend to stay that way. You've got to be careful about the assumptions you make.
Many of us labor under false assumptions. While most of our assumptions are not as delusional as the fat Ohio murderer's, they can do us harm. The saying that what you don't know can't hurt you is nonsense. Didn't we all figure that our banks were safe? We did. This, in spite of the widespread reports in recent years of the executives of these publicly held corporations helping themselves to tens of billions of dollars of other people's money in the form of yearly bonuses. Did we think these guys earned these bonuses while we were lucky to get a lousy 2% interest on our savings and practically paying them to have a checking account? On top of their annual multi-million dollar salaries? So exactly why we trusted these guys not to blow our dough drinking champagne out of hookers' high heels and snorting cocaine off their naked butts is a mystery. We humans are pretty stubborn about our underlying assumptions.
We also assumed that this banking crisis that threatens our nation's stability and millions of people's financial well-being would be at least interesting. Guess again. Here we all are, trying desperately to learn all we can about the nuts and bolts of the financial markets and why they went kablooey and we realize it's still as tedious as watching golf to most of us and the only reason any of these people went to work in such a boring line of work was because they are very greedy. There are exactly no fascinating people involved in these scandals, nothing dramatic going on but personal avarice and incompetence and the whole world of big banks, investment houses and insurance companies is one giant yawn. Try as we may to understand it or assign to it some alluring flair or attraction, it's just no good. It's a huge bore and another set of assumptions about an interesting quest are dashed.
And didn't many of us assume that Reality Television shows would simply disappear, an irritating experiment that would soon quietly go the way of Segway scooters and salad shooters? Who knew we'd be hip-deep in Flava Flav and his bitches and 'hos and wrinkly old Hugh Hefner drooling over his hired girlfriends? Some of us now live in fear of Hef actually disrobing on camera and causing us to lose our lunch. Be careful what you assume.
Similarly, many Americans thought it would be a cool idea to elect a president that was dumber than the average statue, maybe figuring what's the harm in having a little fun with our government? Who knew even a dim bulb like Bush The Younger would invade the wrong country when our nation was attacked? Woops! Who's laughing now with our multi-trillion dollar deficits and a new Vietnam with no easy way out while the people who attacked us run free and make more videos than a rap star? Go figure, eh?
Well, at least we can assume the world will keep on turning and the seasons will progress as usual in an orderly fashion; Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. Oh, wait! There's global warming going on, isn't there? It just might be that the four seasons will soon be Summer, Summer, Summer and Hell. And all those coastlines we've carefully mapped and where so many of us now reside? If those ice caps melt it might be a good idea to apply for a job at Rand-McNally to re-chart the world and relocate to the Atlantic coast of Ohio. Or the Pacific coast of Colorado. Assuming, of course, we don't drown first.
Many of us labor under false assumptions. While most of our assumptions are not as delusional as the fat Ohio murderer's, they can do us harm. The saying that what you don't know can't hurt you is nonsense. Didn't we all figure that our banks were safe? We did. This, in spite of the widespread reports in recent years of the executives of these publicly held corporations helping themselves to tens of billions of dollars of other people's money in the form of yearly bonuses. Did we think these guys earned these bonuses while we were lucky to get a lousy 2% interest on our savings and practically paying them to have a checking account? On top of their annual multi-million dollar salaries? So exactly why we trusted these guys not to blow our dough drinking champagne out of hookers' high heels and snorting cocaine off their naked butts is a mystery. We humans are pretty stubborn about our underlying assumptions.
We also assumed that this banking crisis that threatens our nation's stability and millions of people's financial well-being would be at least interesting. Guess again. Here we all are, trying desperately to learn all we can about the nuts and bolts of the financial markets and why they went kablooey and we realize it's still as tedious as watching golf to most of us and the only reason any of these people went to work in such a boring line of work was because they are very greedy. There are exactly no fascinating people involved in these scandals, nothing dramatic going on but personal avarice and incompetence and the whole world of big banks, investment houses and insurance companies is one giant yawn. Try as we may to understand it or assign to it some alluring flair or attraction, it's just no good. It's a huge bore and another set of assumptions about an interesting quest are dashed.
And didn't many of us assume that Reality Television shows would simply disappear, an irritating experiment that would soon quietly go the way of Segway scooters and salad shooters? Who knew we'd be hip-deep in Flava Flav and his bitches and 'hos and wrinkly old Hugh Hefner drooling over his hired girlfriends? Some of us now live in fear of Hef actually disrobing on camera and causing us to lose our lunch. Be careful what you assume.
Similarly, many Americans thought it would be a cool idea to elect a president that was dumber than the average statue, maybe figuring what's the harm in having a little fun with our government? Who knew even a dim bulb like Bush The Younger would invade the wrong country when our nation was attacked? Woops! Who's laughing now with our multi-trillion dollar deficits and a new Vietnam with no easy way out while the people who attacked us run free and make more videos than a rap star? Go figure, eh?
Well, at least we can assume the world will keep on turning and the seasons will progress as usual in an orderly fashion; Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. Oh, wait! There's global warming going on, isn't there? It just might be that the four seasons will soon be Summer, Summer, Summer and Hell. And all those coastlines we've carefully mapped and where so many of us now reside? If those ice caps melt it might be a good idea to apply for a job at Rand-McNally to re-chart the world and relocate to the Atlantic coast of Ohio. Or the Pacific coast of Colorado. Assuming, of course, we don't drown first.
October 14, 2008
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 197
All it takes to become an alien is to cross a border. You might feel exactly the same, but to the people on the other side of that imaginary line, you are exotic and different. Unless you happen to be Canadian, in which case no one will notice you at all.
FINANCIAL MAGICIANS (DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME, BOYS AND GIRLS!)
There truly is magic in this world. Magicians, too, and they seem to be working together. How else could a handful of seemingly ordinary men make trillions of dollars disappear in the space of a few weeks? And their magic act has also included making Republican prospects for retaining the White House vanish into thin air right before our eyes! Well, that last one was not hard to see coming, what with our current Magician-in-Chief having made America's good reputation shrink to the size of a thimble, but the money thing, that was pure Houdini! Nobody saw that one coming. And the beauty of it was, they didn't make any of their own dough vanish, they're all still rich as King Midas and twice as greedy. No point being a magician and making yourself poor.
To most of us, the workings of the world of high finance have long been an arcane mystery. We watch as this magician grows incredibly wealthy dealing with something called junk (!) bonds, or that one makes a killing offering stock in a dot com company with no actual product or any service of any discernible use at all and yet somehow getting ordinary people to line up and hand over huge wads of money. What an act! Mesmerism at its best! Yet other magicians go to war with one another like wizards in fantasy novels, taking over companies that don' feel like being taken over, squashing two or more companies into one giant one and making a large fortune before the new company had produced so much as a pencil. How do they do that?
How that works exactly only the Financial Magicians know. Perhaps they cast a spell and change the rules of mathematics and economics when they add a bunch of zeroes on the end of numbers. Maybe invoke the name of J.P Morgan or Adam Smith or something. Anyway, don't try this at home, boys and girls, since the regular rules of math always apply for the rest of us, no matter how hard we try to stretch and expand our budgets. Nor can we award ourselves generous bonuses of other people's money, which the magicians do every year at Christmas time, appropriately enough. You and I are not magicians and must make do within our limited means.
We can, however, enjoy their wondrous show. For example, this latest trick of the disappearing trillions is fascinating. Like all great magicians, they've got their audience on the edge of our seats, some of us crying out that this time they've gone too far, this is beyond show business now. But wait, ladies and gentlemen, just wait. You will be oohing and ahhing before you know it. You'll soon see those trillions reappear again, but this time in different people's pockets! And certainly not yours! This is no dog and pony act with a coin pulled out of somebody's ear, this is major prestidigitation! The world watches with bated breath for the magicians to do their stuff and chant their chants and make the money reappear. Right now would be a good time before the joke gets taken a too far. We're waiting... we're ready... our oohs and ahhs are on the tips of our tongues. Can we get a little Presto Change-O here? Some Magic Aroobaloo? Stop toying with us, wizards! We're ready now.
To most of us, the workings of the world of high finance have long been an arcane mystery. We watch as this magician grows incredibly wealthy dealing with something called junk (!) bonds, or that one makes a killing offering stock in a dot com company with no actual product or any service of any discernible use at all and yet somehow getting ordinary people to line up and hand over huge wads of money. What an act! Mesmerism at its best! Yet other magicians go to war with one another like wizards in fantasy novels, taking over companies that don' feel like being taken over, squashing two or more companies into one giant one and making a large fortune before the new company had produced so much as a pencil. How do they do that?
How that works exactly only the Financial Magicians know. Perhaps they cast a spell and change the rules of mathematics and economics when they add a bunch of zeroes on the end of numbers. Maybe invoke the name of J.P Morgan or Adam Smith or something. Anyway, don't try this at home, boys and girls, since the regular rules of math always apply for the rest of us, no matter how hard we try to stretch and expand our budgets. Nor can we award ourselves generous bonuses of other people's money, which the magicians do every year at Christmas time, appropriately enough. You and I are not magicians and must make do within our limited means.
We can, however, enjoy their wondrous show. For example, this latest trick of the disappearing trillions is fascinating. Like all great magicians, they've got their audience on the edge of our seats, some of us crying out that this time they've gone too far, this is beyond show business now. But wait, ladies and gentlemen, just wait. You will be oohing and ahhing before you know it. You'll soon see those trillions reappear again, but this time in different people's pockets! And certainly not yours! This is no dog and pony act with a coin pulled out of somebody's ear, this is major prestidigitation! The world watches with bated breath for the magicians to do their stuff and chant their chants and make the money reappear. Right now would be a good time before the joke gets taken a too far. We're waiting... we're ready... our oohs and ahhs are on the tips of our tongues. Can we get a little Presto Change-O here? Some Magic Aroobaloo? Stop toying with us, wizards! We're ready now.
October 13, 2008
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 196
In the 1930's bank robbers were folk heroes. Those were bleak times of bank failures, widespread poverty and huge numbers of foreclosures on homes and farms. Keep a sharp eye out for celebrity bank robbers very soon. They will be celebrated in song, story and T-shirts, and probably fan websites too. To say nothing of copy cats horning in on their act.
YOU HAVE TO WONDER
The internet is full of information; good, solid information along with the usual drivel that's always circulated through any information medium. Like with anything else, it's not so hard to separate the factual from the ridiculous. It's pretty amazing and something no one could have predicted a scant 20 years ago. Look at all the medical information previously unavailable to the lay person. When a family member gets sick, or oneself, many a web surfer investigates countless medical websites, learns all they can about telltale signs, actual symptoms, treatment, alternate treatments and the like and soon they fancy themselves doctors. Must drive real physicians nuts. So you have to wonder, with all this information about everything under the sun available to all of us at our fingertips, are there people out there reading engineering websites and trying to build suspension bridges and skyscrapers in their backyards?
You have to wonder about a lot of things these days. It is the Information Age, after all, and you'd sort of be out of step not to. That would be like living in the Iron Age and still using a flint axe, or living in L.A. and not writing a screenplay. It just isn't done. So you vacuum in all this information, trying mightily to make sense out of it all, and much to your consternation, the meaning of life is still elusive and the realization hits that you really don't give a rat's ass about black holes or the personal lives and opinions of internet billionaires too young to remember Johnny Carson.
You have to wonder why some of these dot com nerds feel they have to weigh in on anything other than the narrow specialty that made them wealthy beyond anybody's dreams. They're super wealthy, and so can always find some shallow newscaster or another to interview their personality-free asses. They are not experts on the economy, politics, the environment, government or space travel. They are not even remotely entertaining or interesting, with probably not ten good jokes or amusing anecdotes among the lot of them. Damned few of them would ever admit that but for the twin strokes of luck and timing that made them so wealthy they would be a pen-caddy wearing, taped-up horn rimmed eyeglasses-wearing, girlfriend-challenged tech support geek and some other nerd would have their oceanside palace and model wife. So you have to wonder why anyone would take anything unrelated to the internet that these tedious dorks say seriously.
Yes, these days are filled with awe and wonder. You have to wonder what the hell happened to the serious and careful chubby baldheads that used to run the world's investment houses, banks and insurance companies. And you have to further wonder when conservatives became rabid ideologues with an agenda of greed and world-domination having little to do with domestic peace, tranquility and prosperity. You wonder why these neo-cons see those who disagree with their world view as evil and dangerous enemies of the state, and of motherhood, babies, God and baseball too. You further wonder what happened to the institutions that used to nurse these people back to mental health, releasing them back to the arms of their loved ones once they calmed down.
And you have to wonder about people calling these times the most harrowing in history for America. That would sort of downplay the Civil War, Wounded Knee, two World Wars, Suffrage, the Great Depression, the Labor Wars, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Vietnam, the Civil Rights movement, race riots, Kent State and the many world-changing assassinations. Those things were fairly traumatic too, and there were lots of other disasters, tragedies and dramatically unsettling changes to befall this nation. Somehow we're still kicking, even after eight years of our worst president ever and all the disastrous mistakes he made.
America and Americans are pretty resilient. So you have to wonder just how smart Barack Obama has to be to get us out of this fix and get America back on the road to becoming America, and how much each of us are willing to do to help. You wonder if we will step up and take our place beside those who came before us when hard times struck our nation, those who worked together instead of against one another, those who picked our nation up when she fell, who improved America after each challenge. You have to wonder.
You have to wonder about a lot of things these days. It is the Information Age, after all, and you'd sort of be out of step not to. That would be like living in the Iron Age and still using a flint axe, or living in L.A. and not writing a screenplay. It just isn't done. So you vacuum in all this information, trying mightily to make sense out of it all, and much to your consternation, the meaning of life is still elusive and the realization hits that you really don't give a rat's ass about black holes or the personal lives and opinions of internet billionaires too young to remember Johnny Carson.
You have to wonder why some of these dot com nerds feel they have to weigh in on anything other than the narrow specialty that made them wealthy beyond anybody's dreams. They're super wealthy, and so can always find some shallow newscaster or another to interview their personality-free asses. They are not experts on the economy, politics, the environment, government or space travel. They are not even remotely entertaining or interesting, with probably not ten good jokes or amusing anecdotes among the lot of them. Damned few of them would ever admit that but for the twin strokes of luck and timing that made them so wealthy they would be a pen-caddy wearing, taped-up horn rimmed eyeglasses-wearing, girlfriend-challenged tech support geek and some other nerd would have their oceanside palace and model wife. So you have to wonder why anyone would take anything unrelated to the internet that these tedious dorks say seriously.
Yes, these days are filled with awe and wonder. You have to wonder what the hell happened to the serious and careful chubby baldheads that used to run the world's investment houses, banks and insurance companies. And you have to further wonder when conservatives became rabid ideologues with an agenda of greed and world-domination having little to do with domestic peace, tranquility and prosperity. You wonder why these neo-cons see those who disagree with their world view as evil and dangerous enemies of the state, and of motherhood, babies, God and baseball too. You further wonder what happened to the institutions that used to nurse these people back to mental health, releasing them back to the arms of their loved ones once they calmed down.
And you have to wonder about people calling these times the most harrowing in history for America. That would sort of downplay the Civil War, Wounded Knee, two World Wars, Suffrage, the Great Depression, the Labor Wars, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Vietnam, the Civil Rights movement, race riots, Kent State and the many world-changing assassinations. Those things were fairly traumatic too, and there were lots of other disasters, tragedies and dramatically unsettling changes to befall this nation. Somehow we're still kicking, even after eight years of our worst president ever and all the disastrous mistakes he made.
America and Americans are pretty resilient. So you have to wonder just how smart Barack Obama has to be to get us out of this fix and get America back on the road to becoming America, and how much each of us are willing to do to help. You wonder if we will step up and take our place beside those who came before us when hard times struck our nation, those who worked together instead of against one another, those who picked our nation up when she fell, who improved America after each challenge. You have to wonder.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 195
Reputation gets you only so far. Performance is everything. A good reputation takes a long time to achieve but can disappear overnight. Ask any banker these days if they're still feeling the love.
LET'S NOT PLAY CONFIDENCE GAMES
Other than sex, is there any other area of human endeavor that is so drastically affected by people's mood swings as our economy? One keeps hearing that all that is needed for the world to climb out of this disastrous banking crisis is for people to have confidence in the markets again. This in spite of the fact that people were pretty confident in the economy for years and years, unaware it was being ruined by greedy criminal buffoons. Those people who died crossing the Mississippi River Bridge in Minnesota last year were pretty confident it wouldn't collapse underneath them, weren't they? that didn't work out so well for the 14 dead and 145 injured, did it? Having confidence in something doesn't make it okay if it's rotten and broken. And so far as most of us can tell, our financial institutions are crumbling. So much for confidence as a repair tool.
What is it about the world of high finance that is so different from real life? If you build a house, say, using shoddy materials, its going to fall down no matter what your level of confidence. If the phone rings and you have no confidence in telephones, there will still be a voice on the other end when you pick it up. If you are brimming with confidence that Bush The Younger is the right guy to handle this financial crisis, well, there's nothing positive to be said about your grip on reality.
President Herbert Hoover was the first guy to proclaim that confidence was what America needed, and his administration had a ton of confidence in "market forces." When last heard from Hoover was presiding over the beginning of The Great Depression before being soundly defeated for reelection by Franklin Roosevelt, who then went about the business of cleaning up the mess created by greedy bankers and a hands-off Federal government. It took many years and an extreme makeover of the United States government to do so. Confidence had nothing to do with it. It was competence that ruled the day, and regulations were passed to prevent further financial meltdowns. America created social protections for its citizens and worked its way to better times, no thanks to the Herbert Hoovers and corrupt financiers of the day.
So for the President and the discredited CEO's of these major corporations to tell us that confidence is the key to prosperity, forgive us if we want to take a peek at what's holding that bridge up during rush hour. Maybe get explanation why the United States Treasury Secretary gets to have such expanded powers that don't appear in the Constitution and nobody voted to give him. This guy Secretary Paulson is a member of the CEO club himself, a former Goldman-Sachs honcho who made $700 million in their employ. So when Goldman-Sachs arch rival Lehman Brothers was allowed to go under, the man moves heaven and earth to save AIG, who was in bed with Goldman-Sach to the tune of $20 billion dollars. So what you can have confidence in is that this was no coincidence.
Where are the sweeping federal investigations here? The Grand Juries? The subpoenas of corporate records before they get shredded (if it's not too late)? How about invoking the RICO statutes designed to prosecute organized crime enterprises and confiscating these executives' ill-gotten assets and money just like any other Cartel or Mafia boss? What's the difference between them? Actually, it's hundreds of billions of dollars in the executives' favor. The mob and the cartels are small-timers, pickpockets even, by comparison.
Maybe we need to install an economic system that functions because it is worth something, not because anybody thinks it is. Confidence is a fine human character trait an serves many people very well, but it is no substitute for actual worth or provable performance. How many blowhards do we all know that are very confident for no reason at all? There's no shortage of such delusional incompetents, and in the banking and insurance industries there seems to be a dangerous surplus. And in the Bush The Younger administration, America's worst ever. Americans have every confidence that our next president cannot possibly so stupid, lazy and venal. There are some things you can still count on.
What is it about the world of high finance that is so different from real life? If you build a house, say, using shoddy materials, its going to fall down no matter what your level of confidence. If the phone rings and you have no confidence in telephones, there will still be a voice on the other end when you pick it up. If you are brimming with confidence that Bush The Younger is the right guy to handle this financial crisis, well, there's nothing positive to be said about your grip on reality.
President Herbert Hoover was the first guy to proclaim that confidence was what America needed, and his administration had a ton of confidence in "market forces." When last heard from Hoover was presiding over the beginning of The Great Depression before being soundly defeated for reelection by Franklin Roosevelt, who then went about the business of cleaning up the mess created by greedy bankers and a hands-off Federal government. It took many years and an extreme makeover of the United States government to do so. Confidence had nothing to do with it. It was competence that ruled the day, and regulations were passed to prevent further financial meltdowns. America created social protections for its citizens and worked its way to better times, no thanks to the Herbert Hoovers and corrupt financiers of the day.
So for the President and the discredited CEO's of these major corporations to tell us that confidence is the key to prosperity, forgive us if we want to take a peek at what's holding that bridge up during rush hour. Maybe get explanation why the United States Treasury Secretary gets to have such expanded powers that don't appear in the Constitution and nobody voted to give him. This guy Secretary Paulson is a member of the CEO club himself, a former Goldman-Sachs honcho who made $700 million in their employ. So when Goldman-Sachs arch rival Lehman Brothers was allowed to go under, the man moves heaven and earth to save AIG, who was in bed with Goldman-Sach to the tune of $20 billion dollars. So what you can have confidence in is that this was no coincidence.
Where are the sweeping federal investigations here? The Grand Juries? The subpoenas of corporate records before they get shredded (if it's not too late)? How about invoking the RICO statutes designed to prosecute organized crime enterprises and confiscating these executives' ill-gotten assets and money just like any other Cartel or Mafia boss? What's the difference between them? Actually, it's hundreds of billions of dollars in the executives' favor. The mob and the cartels are small-timers, pickpockets even, by comparison.
Maybe we need to install an economic system that functions because it is worth something, not because anybody thinks it is. Confidence is a fine human character trait an serves many people very well, but it is no substitute for actual worth or provable performance. How many blowhards do we all know that are very confident for no reason at all? There's no shortage of such delusional incompetents, and in the banking and insurance industries there seems to be a dangerous surplus. And in the Bush The Younger administration, America's worst ever. Americans have every confidence that our next president cannot possibly so stupid, lazy and venal. There are some things you can still count on.
October 12, 2008
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 194
There's a reason why plumbers and brain surgeons get paid a lot of money. The stuff they do is pretty hard to figure out. Of the two, the happier person is the plumber. Far fewer of their customers die when employing their services. On the other hand, few brain surgeons have to deal with fixing the mess their customer made while trying to do the job on their own.
NOTHING TO REPORT TODAY
It was such a beautiful day today, I decided not to think. It worked out pretty well, much better than expected. I was about a block away from the Empire State Building on Sunday morning, and it looked stunning. The weather was unbelievably sunny and pleasant for October, full of that bracing, clean Autumn air. There were tourists all over the place, including around 15 firefighters from Italy who were for some reason wearing their firefighting gear as they strolled along 5th Avenue. Having made the conscious decision not to think, I didn't ask why. There was probably an interesting story behind this, but I'll never know. My mind had the day off. Today was simply a day to absorb the sights and sounds and there were plenty enough to keep me satisfied, and a wonderful feeling of the sun on my face. I was in Manhattan and the world was perfect. No sense screwing it up by reflecting on recent events. From Manhattan, this is Bob Crespo (.Com) signing off and I approve this world.
October 11, 2008
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 193
Anybody can make plans. Not everyone, however, can implement them. Fewer still can roll with the punches that life keeps throwing our way and still figure out a way to achieve their goals. Sometimes you have to think on your feet and improvise. Plans are really rough sketches that need constant adjustment. If you set them in stone, odds are they'll become your tombstone:
Here lies So-and-So: He had A PLAN.
Here lies So-and-So: He had A PLAN.
LET'S SEE... WE DEFEATED THEIR ARMY, DISBANDED IT AND HUNG THEIR LEADER. SOUNDS PRETTY MUCH LIKE A VICTORY...
I get confused sometimes. I hear all this talk about war in Iraq. Can't help it, really, it's in all the papers and on TV and radio all the time. Constantly! But here's my problem with all his talk of a war: Didn't we sort of annihilate their army when we first got there 5 years ago? Then didn't we take all their guns away and disband them, send them all to bed without any supper and occupy their nation? As if that wasn't enough, didn't we hunt down Saddam Hussein until we found the guy hiding literally in a hole in the ground? And didn't he get hung shortly after that? Like dead hung? Isn't like sort of the very definition of winning a war? Maybe even over-winning it?
And if memory serves me well, didn't our own President Bush The Younger announce on May 1, 2003 that the mission in Iraq was accomplished? He dressed up in a pilot costume, had himself flown onto an aircraft carrier, had a big old sign made and everything, no? Seems to me the American soldiers in Iraq at the time were pretty happy to hear that, figuring maybe, "Cool! Now we can leave this friggin' sandy sauna!" That was more than 5 years ago now. For some strange reason, our troops are still there. They won the war in two months, captured the head guy and did what you expect your armed forces to do; kick ass mightily. It wasn't their idea to attack a country who never attacked ours, but they are soldiers and they do what they're told to do. That's what the military is all about, that's the deal. Says so right there in the small print when you enlist.
But isn't it insulting to these brave kids in our military to say that 5 years after they won a war quickly and decisively the government that sent them there is still hoping for a victory? They won the damned illegal war 5 years ago. What more do we want from them? To re-kill their army? To knock down every building in the country and shoot every Iraqi who's not so crazy about the idea that their country was beaten like a rented mule and still having the army who did it hanging around to rub salt in the wound? How much victory do we want here? I repeat: We destroyed and disbanded their army and hung their leader! That's one in the win column. Enough already! Get our army out of there and let the Iraqis figure out what Iraq is supposed to be like.
After all, they're the ones who have to live there forever and ever, not our soldiers, although the GI's are starting to wonder about that. It's not an army's job to train the army of a nation they invaded. Believe it or not, armies don't generally do that, the thinking on that being that they might just have to fight them again, and now they know your tactics. Nor are armies often used as police forces. Policemen are people in squad cars or walking a beat with maybe a pistol and a can of mace who keep civil order and catch crooks, give out traffic tickets and stuff like that. They are not body-armored, helmet-wearing, automatic rifle-toting soldiers who drive around in tanks, armored vehicles, helicopter gunships and jet fighters. That would be an amy, a totally different sort of organization from a police force with a different purpose.
So I wonder about all this talk of a war. Wars are big, loud and bloody, two armies shooting at each other ferociously and lobbing bombs back and forth, buildings being blown to bits and the earth getting shredded and scorched. People die in horrible ways and get wickedly maimed, lots and lots of them. One side or the other kills more of the other guys than they lose, capture some territory and win the battle. They do that often enough and bingo, they win the war. It's not exactly a brand new human endeavor. What's going on in Iraq these past 5 years is not a war, but something else. Apres-war, maybe?
What exactly that something else is can be hard to figure out, but it sure doesn't sound like a war, unless the definition of a war with armies and battles and troop movements and conquering and all that has been changed. The soldiers don't seem to know what their mission is, they weren't trained for getting picked off one by one by snipers and roadside bombs and working as cops. Every so often they get sent on some sort of surge, a decidedly non-military term. Never at any point in their training did the term surge come up. During the surge our soldiers kill guys in civilian clothing who are pointing rocket launchers and rifles at them, people who work for some crazy Muslim cleric or another.
So they kill them and wreck their neighborhoods, then move on to the next crazy Muslim cleric gang and kill them and wreck that neighborhood too, probably figuring that if they keep killing enough guys with rocket launchers and wrecking their neighborhoods and avoid getting a leg blown off by a roadside bomb that eventually the enemy will all be dead and the President can dress up in a costume again and announce "Mission really accomplished" and then they can come home to America where they can finally get a decent slice of pizza or go to a ball game.
Or at least that's as near as I can figure it. Unless of course the whole thing is a phony front for stealing Iraqi oil and putting the fear of God into Iraq's neighbors and the old guys running the war figure it's okay to waste a few thousand soldiers' lives and limbs as long as they keep getting richer. You think? Nah, Americans would never do that kind of thing. It's probably just me misinterpreting what I'm seeing right in front of me. I could have swore we won that war when we destroyed their army and captured their whole country and hung their president. Funny how our eyes play tricks on us sometimes...
And if memory serves me well, didn't our own President Bush The Younger announce on May 1, 2003 that the mission in Iraq was accomplished? He dressed up in a pilot costume, had himself flown onto an aircraft carrier, had a big old sign made and everything, no? Seems to me the American soldiers in Iraq at the time were pretty happy to hear that, figuring maybe, "Cool! Now we can leave this friggin' sandy sauna!" That was more than 5 years ago now. For some strange reason, our troops are still there. They won the war in two months, captured the head guy and did what you expect your armed forces to do; kick ass mightily. It wasn't their idea to attack a country who never attacked ours, but they are soldiers and they do what they're told to do. That's what the military is all about, that's the deal. Says so right there in the small print when you enlist.
But isn't it insulting to these brave kids in our military to say that 5 years after they won a war quickly and decisively the government that sent them there is still hoping for a victory? They won the damned illegal war 5 years ago. What more do we want from them? To re-kill their army? To knock down every building in the country and shoot every Iraqi who's not so crazy about the idea that their country was beaten like a rented mule and still having the army who did it hanging around to rub salt in the wound? How much victory do we want here? I repeat: We destroyed and disbanded their army and hung their leader! That's one in the win column. Enough already! Get our army out of there and let the Iraqis figure out what Iraq is supposed to be like.
After all, they're the ones who have to live there forever and ever, not our soldiers, although the GI's are starting to wonder about that. It's not an army's job to train the army of a nation they invaded. Believe it or not, armies don't generally do that, the thinking on that being that they might just have to fight them again, and now they know your tactics. Nor are armies often used as police forces. Policemen are people in squad cars or walking a beat with maybe a pistol and a can of mace who keep civil order and catch crooks, give out traffic tickets and stuff like that. They are not body-armored, helmet-wearing, automatic rifle-toting soldiers who drive around in tanks, armored vehicles, helicopter gunships and jet fighters. That would be an amy, a totally different sort of organization from a police force with a different purpose.
So I wonder about all this talk of a war. Wars are big, loud and bloody, two armies shooting at each other ferociously and lobbing bombs back and forth, buildings being blown to bits and the earth getting shredded and scorched. People die in horrible ways and get wickedly maimed, lots and lots of them. One side or the other kills more of the other guys than they lose, capture some territory and win the battle. They do that often enough and bingo, they win the war. It's not exactly a brand new human endeavor. What's going on in Iraq these past 5 years is not a war, but something else. Apres-war, maybe?
What exactly that something else is can be hard to figure out, but it sure doesn't sound like a war, unless the definition of a war with armies and battles and troop movements and conquering and all that has been changed. The soldiers don't seem to know what their mission is, they weren't trained for getting picked off one by one by snipers and roadside bombs and working as cops. Every so often they get sent on some sort of surge, a decidedly non-military term. Never at any point in their training did the term surge come up. During the surge our soldiers kill guys in civilian clothing who are pointing rocket launchers and rifles at them, people who work for some crazy Muslim cleric or another.
So they kill them and wreck their neighborhoods, then move on to the next crazy Muslim cleric gang and kill them and wreck that neighborhood too, probably figuring that if they keep killing enough guys with rocket launchers and wrecking their neighborhoods and avoid getting a leg blown off by a roadside bomb that eventually the enemy will all be dead and the President can dress up in a costume again and announce "Mission really accomplished" and then they can come home to America where they can finally get a decent slice of pizza or go to a ball game.
Or at least that's as near as I can figure it. Unless of course the whole thing is a phony front for stealing Iraqi oil and putting the fear of God into Iraq's neighbors and the old guys running the war figure it's okay to waste a few thousand soldiers' lives and limbs as long as they keep getting richer. You think? Nah, Americans would never do that kind of thing. It's probably just me misinterpreting what I'm seeing right in front of me. I could have swore we won that war when we destroyed their army and captured their whole country and hung their president. Funny how our eyes play tricks on us sometimes...
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 192
Those tiny dogs with the bulging eyes that slack-jawed celebrity bimbos carry around like babies can actually walk, but thanks to their owners, don't have to.
GEE, THANKS FOR ALLOWING US TO KEEP WHAT IS OURS, AND OTHER SHAKY ASSUMPTIONS
Watching the presidential debates, which were not really debates of any sort since no candidate addressed the other and picked apart their arguments, one disturbing sentiment emerged form both the Republican and Democratic candidates. They both repeatedly referred to "allowing Americans to remain in their homes." How's that again, oh great Statesman? Allow us to keep what we own? Nobody recalls asking their permission to buy our homes, or either of them coming by to help paint the place, fix the plumbing, patch the roof, tend the garden or even shovel the snow after a blizzard. We put our life savings on the line to get these houses, poured uncounted hours of work into improving and maintaining them and called them home. Who the hell is anybody to allow us to keep what is ours?
Perhaps the candidates were confused, what with the 2-year, 24/7 ordeal America puts its candidates through before presidential elections. That's got to wear on you. Maybe they thought that Bush the Younger assumes that along with nationalizing the banks that our homes were now the property of the Federal government too. In Senator John McCain's case, a man at an age when most of his contemporaries are either long retired or dead, you can sort of understand his chalky blank stare.
Presidential campaigns are very grueling, and this poor guy is so exhausted from trying to keep up with what it is his handlers decide he stands for this week it's no wonder the Alzheimer's disease is kicking in early and with such ferocity. But Senator Barack Obama is young and healthy. What's his excuse for for playing the role of Liege Lord, benevolently allowing us serfs to remain in our thatched cottages on his vast estate? McCain's the guy with 10 homes, isn't he? Not that he remembers this, but it's true.
You have to watch these assumptions, they can be catching. Look at Sarah Palin, who keeps asking who the hell Barack Obama is. Well, shouldn't somebody on her staff tell her that for two years the American people have found out so much about Barack Obama that she's probably the only person in America who doesn't know who Barack Obama is? Maybe if she had read a newspaper once in a blue she would know. The campaign has been pretty widely reported, no?
You can safely bet she knows who Britney Spears is, even up there in frozen Alaska, which is still one of the United States in spite of Governor Palin's husband's attempts to have it secede from the Union. But she's so adamant in her assumption that Americans share her profound ignorance that she's got the Alzheimer's guy all confused and now he's wondering who is Barack Obama. That would be the guy kicking your ass in the polls, Senator. It's sad, really, when the two best minds the Republican Party can come up with are so damned feeble, one by nature and one by a debilitating disease and the ravages of old age.
Another false assumption was that Bush the Younger would finally touch something and it would not turn into a steaming pile of shit. Why did anybody tell him about the bank failures and the financial disaster that befell the nation in recent weeks? What the hell were they thinking? So much for the bail-out now that Dumbya is in the loop. Kiss that $850 billion goodbye now that he's involved. This is the guy who, lest we forget, invaded the wrong country! That's about as big a mistake as a president can make. And also the guy who keeps saying we still need a victory in Iraq despite the fact that 5 years ago our army completely destroyed theirs in a matter of 2 months and occupied their entire country.
Didn't anybody tell this guy that doing these things pretty much sums up winning a war? And on top of that, we disbanded their army and hunted down their leader in a hole in the ground and hung him. Like from the neck until dead hung him. Sounds like a big win, no? Maybe even overkill. What else do our troops have to do to satisfy this dunce that we won the Iraq War so they can leave that backward sweltering sandbox already? So, who was it that let the cat out of the bag and told Bush The Younger we were having a banking crisis? He could be placidly serving out his term clearing brush and tumbleweed from Texas, a full-time job if ever there was one, but noooo, now we're going to be stuck with this crisis for 5 more years of failure after failure. Thanks, Paulie!
Another dangerous assumption is that the Republicans are not going to try to steal this presidential election like they did the last two. They're already beating the drums about poor people getting organized into voter fraud rings, like that could happen. Some of them are even blaming the poor (!) for the banking crisis! How's that for onions? Yeah, you've really got to watch those wily paupers with no access to power and no means of perpetrating mass voter fraud. One suspects that the blame for global warming and the continued failure of the Chicago Cubs to win a World Series will soon be blamed on the nation's poor. The FBI is already being mobilized to thwart this nonexistent plot instead of being assigned to get to the bottom of the extensive criminal fraud perpetrated by super-wealthy bankers.
And why not? It's not like the poor can call in any highly placed connections to deny these allegations. They're poor, for crying out loud! Pawns, really. And what do you do with pawns? Use them, of course! They're way too busy trying to keep food on their tables to even notice such things, never mind refute them. Only this time around, accuse the pawns of attempting to dominate the chess board as an excuse to wipe out their votes. Different strategy, same goal. And the infinitely sad thing is that so many of us buy into these insane assumptions. Shame on us.
Perhaps the candidates were confused, what with the 2-year, 24/7 ordeal America puts its candidates through before presidential elections. That's got to wear on you. Maybe they thought that Bush the Younger assumes that along with nationalizing the banks that our homes were now the property of the Federal government too. In Senator John McCain's case, a man at an age when most of his contemporaries are either long retired or dead, you can sort of understand his chalky blank stare.
Presidential campaigns are very grueling, and this poor guy is so exhausted from trying to keep up with what it is his handlers decide he stands for this week it's no wonder the Alzheimer's disease is kicking in early and with such ferocity. But Senator Barack Obama is young and healthy. What's his excuse for for playing the role of Liege Lord, benevolently allowing us serfs to remain in our thatched cottages on his vast estate? McCain's the guy with 10 homes, isn't he? Not that he remembers this, but it's true.
You have to watch these assumptions, they can be catching. Look at Sarah Palin, who keeps asking who the hell Barack Obama is. Well, shouldn't somebody on her staff tell her that for two years the American people have found out so much about Barack Obama that she's probably the only person in America who doesn't know who Barack Obama is? Maybe if she had read a newspaper once in a blue she would know. The campaign has been pretty widely reported, no?
You can safely bet she knows who Britney Spears is, even up there in frozen Alaska, which is still one of the United States in spite of Governor Palin's husband's attempts to have it secede from the Union. But she's so adamant in her assumption that Americans share her profound ignorance that she's got the Alzheimer's guy all confused and now he's wondering who is Barack Obama. That would be the guy kicking your ass in the polls, Senator. It's sad, really, when the two best minds the Republican Party can come up with are so damned feeble, one by nature and one by a debilitating disease and the ravages of old age.
Another false assumption was that Bush the Younger would finally touch something and it would not turn into a steaming pile of shit. Why did anybody tell him about the bank failures and the financial disaster that befell the nation in recent weeks? What the hell were they thinking? So much for the bail-out now that Dumbya is in the loop. Kiss that $850 billion goodbye now that he's involved. This is the guy who, lest we forget, invaded the wrong country! That's about as big a mistake as a president can make. And also the guy who keeps saying we still need a victory in Iraq despite the fact that 5 years ago our army completely destroyed theirs in a matter of 2 months and occupied their entire country.
Didn't anybody tell this guy that doing these things pretty much sums up winning a war? And on top of that, we disbanded their army and hunted down their leader in a hole in the ground and hung him. Like from the neck until dead hung him. Sounds like a big win, no? Maybe even overkill. What else do our troops have to do to satisfy this dunce that we won the Iraq War so they can leave that backward sweltering sandbox already? So, who was it that let the cat out of the bag and told Bush The Younger we were having a banking crisis? He could be placidly serving out his term clearing brush and tumbleweed from Texas, a full-time job if ever there was one, but noooo, now we're going to be stuck with this crisis for 5 more years of failure after failure. Thanks, Paulie!
Another dangerous assumption is that the Republicans are not going to try to steal this presidential election like they did the last two. They're already beating the drums about poor people getting organized into voter fraud rings, like that could happen. Some of them are even blaming the poor (!) for the banking crisis! How's that for onions? Yeah, you've really got to watch those wily paupers with no access to power and no means of perpetrating mass voter fraud. One suspects that the blame for global warming and the continued failure of the Chicago Cubs to win a World Series will soon be blamed on the nation's poor. The FBI is already being mobilized to thwart this nonexistent plot instead of being assigned to get to the bottom of the extensive criminal fraud perpetrated by super-wealthy bankers.
And why not? It's not like the poor can call in any highly placed connections to deny these allegations. They're poor, for crying out loud! Pawns, really. And what do you do with pawns? Use them, of course! They're way too busy trying to keep food on their tables to even notice such things, never mind refute them. Only this time around, accuse the pawns of attempting to dominate the chess board as an excuse to wipe out their votes. Different strategy, same goal. And the infinitely sad thing is that so many of us buy into these insane assumptions. Shame on us.
October 9, 2008
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 191
The world, especially in these hectic days, is constantly changing and we as people are expected to rapidly adapt. That can be traumatic, which is why having some unchanging constants is so important. So, don't complain about our clueless politicians unwilling to do a damned thing about very old problems and who can't see past their stained lobster bibs as they belly up to the public trough. These people keep us anchored in a sea of change.
FUNNY LITTLE CAPS AND PRESIDENTIAL FIATS
Now that we are openly nationalizing our banking industry, isn't it about time for Bush The Younger, Shotgun Dick Cheney and Hell of a Job Paulie Paulson to get with the program and start wearing funny little military style caps? Don't these guys know their history? Even Johnny-Come-Lately leftist power grabber Hugo Chavez of Venezuela knows the drill when it comes to nationalizing industries and dutifully appears in public when he's making his dictatorial pronouncements wearing psuedo-military garb, complete with brimmed hat. How are we supposed to know who the hell the Communists are if they don't dress the part? Say what you will about Stalin and Castro, but at least these guys had the good sense to drop all pretensions of normal civilian rule and dress accordingly.
One supposes that we can forgive Shotgun Dick for not dressing like Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator since he's only (wink-wink) the Vice President, but if Bush The Younger and Paulson are going to continue going all Castro and Che on us, they'd better get with the program and tell their tailors to get busy pronto. Bush used to be good at that sort of thing, dressing up in pilot suits and cowboy outfits before he became completely withdrawn and marginalized. That means its up to the big boss Shotgun Dick to enforce the Messianic Revolutionary dress code for his fascist underlings when they take to the podium to announce another government fiat proclaiming a takeover of Microsoft or suspending the right to peaceful assembly.
And it's not only Chavez leading the power-mad pack with funny caps and uniforms. Our leaders could take a lot of sartorial tips from former South American strongmen from Peron to Pinochet when it comes to fancy musical theater uniforms, complete with gold braid and all sorts of medals they invent and force others to present them with. Hey, we're America, dammit! We're supposed to be on the cutting edge of world trends. So when our leaders decide to skip consulting with voters and reformulate our government into a fascist-socialist state run by presidential decree, well by God they'd better look the part! Nationalize the costume departments of the Hollywood movie studios if you must! They've got plenty of perfectly good over-the-top uniforms left over from movies like "Moon Over Parador" and "Reds."
Properly attired, our leaders could then go about the business of canceling November's Presidential elections by calling the current banking crisis and government asset-grab a national emergency, especially now that their hand-picked errand boy McCain is slipping badly in the polls. Give Secretary of Defense Gates similar sweeping powers to those of Treasury Secretary Paulson, bypassing the pesky Congress and the rabble we so quaintly call "the electorate." Better yet, bring back Donald Rumsfeld, who was born to play the role. It's easy to picture Rummy in jack boots and shiny-billed cap holding a public ceremony to burn the original copy of the United States Constitution, denouncing it as anti-American hogwash filled with girly man individual rights, freedom of speech and the press at the expense of the glory of The Motherland.
The uniforms would mean they could drop the last transparent vestiges of conducting American government as it was so mistakenly designed, handing power to the people rather than the government. Wealthy corporate princes cold save a lot of money wasted on expensive lobbying organizations by simply being incorporated into the power structure, like the Krupps of Third Reich Germany and Mitsubishi of Imperial Japan. This way all pretense of government of the people, by the people and for the people could be easily dropped and all of our incessant and counterproductive political arguments silenced once and for all. All it takes to get the ball rolling is a funny little cap.
One supposes that we can forgive Shotgun Dick for not dressing like Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator since he's only (wink-wink) the Vice President, but if Bush The Younger and Paulson are going to continue going all Castro and Che on us, they'd better get with the program and tell their tailors to get busy pronto. Bush used to be good at that sort of thing, dressing up in pilot suits and cowboy outfits before he became completely withdrawn and marginalized. That means its up to the big boss Shotgun Dick to enforce the Messianic Revolutionary dress code for his fascist underlings when they take to the podium to announce another government fiat proclaiming a takeover of Microsoft or suspending the right to peaceful assembly.
And it's not only Chavez leading the power-mad pack with funny caps and uniforms. Our leaders could take a lot of sartorial tips from former South American strongmen from Peron to Pinochet when it comes to fancy musical theater uniforms, complete with gold braid and all sorts of medals they invent and force others to present them with. Hey, we're America, dammit! We're supposed to be on the cutting edge of world trends. So when our leaders decide to skip consulting with voters and reformulate our government into a fascist-socialist state run by presidential decree, well by God they'd better look the part! Nationalize the costume departments of the Hollywood movie studios if you must! They've got plenty of perfectly good over-the-top uniforms left over from movies like "Moon Over Parador" and "Reds."
Properly attired, our leaders could then go about the business of canceling November's Presidential elections by calling the current banking crisis and government asset-grab a national emergency, especially now that their hand-picked errand boy McCain is slipping badly in the polls. Give Secretary of Defense Gates similar sweeping powers to those of Treasury Secretary Paulson, bypassing the pesky Congress and the rabble we so quaintly call "the electorate." Better yet, bring back Donald Rumsfeld, who was born to play the role. It's easy to picture Rummy in jack boots and shiny-billed cap holding a public ceremony to burn the original copy of the United States Constitution, denouncing it as anti-American hogwash filled with girly man individual rights, freedom of speech and the press at the expense of the glory of The Motherland.
The uniforms would mean they could drop the last transparent vestiges of conducting American government as it was so mistakenly designed, handing power to the people rather than the government. Wealthy corporate princes cold save a lot of money wasted on expensive lobbying organizations by simply being incorporated into the power structure, like the Krupps of Third Reich Germany and Mitsubishi of Imperial Japan. This way all pretense of government of the people, by the people and for the people could be easily dropped and all of our incessant and counterproductive political arguments silenced once and for all. All it takes to get the ball rolling is a funny little cap.
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