THE FAT GUY OLYMPICS

On the eve of the politically charged Summer Olympic Games in China, the announcement that Yao Ming will play for China's basketball team gives that nation hope of winning the gold medal in that sport. Now, the fact that Yao is seven feet, six inches tall and a major star for the Houston Rockets in America's National Basketball Association, the very zenith of basketball competition, doesn't change the fact that the average Chinese athlete stands about knee high to Yao Ming and that China is the last place one associates with basketball dominance. While Yao is a world class talent and by all accounts a heckuva nice guy, he's coming off a broken foot that ended his season several months ago, dashing any hopes Houston had of winning an NBA title. So between that injury and his half-pint teammates, don't look for China to improve on their previous best 8th place Olympic finish. The basketball position of "small forward" takes on a new meaning there, like the whole team plus one really tall guy.

Then you have the United States, home of basketball, fielding Dream Teams of established NBA professionals and standout college basketball players just as talented as Yao Ming and every one of them really tall. While many people decry the fact that professional athletes were included in the Olympics in recent years, it's simply a reflection of reality. In order to compete at that level in any sport, an athlete needs to work and train on a full-time basis, and in the meantime he or she needs to eat, pay the rent and travel all over the place from game to game. Somebody's paying these people, and paying them quite well. There haven't been any pure amateurs in the Olympics since the 1920's, and they all stunk, their "records" routinely being broken by today's 12-years olds.

The fact that nations take these games so seriously has always made a joke of the amateur status of athletes, with many countries spending fortunes on training and fielding the best possible teams of athletes. The only recent exception was the Jamaican bobsledding team from a couple of Olympics ago, a welcome comic relief from the grim do-or-die spirit of these games. So, in order to bring back the spirit of true amateur sportsmanship, why not hold the Fat Guy Olympics next time? Let regular people who hold regular jobs and play sports as a hobby compete for medals. While no world records are likely to be set in any sport, the entertainment value will be far greater.

Start off with Fat Guy Basketball, pitting teams of working stiffs against each other, older guys who like to get together a couple of nights a week and wheeze their way through a basketball game over a couple of beers, sneaking a cigarette or two during the time outs, which by the way, will have to be doubled or tripled to allow these pot bellied amateurs to catch their breath, have a cold one and brag on their cell phones to their families on how they are kicking serious butt. The rules of the game would also have to be altered or relaxed, and no one should look forward to a lot of fast breaks and slam-dunking. There will be much arguing and a few "do-overs," but the results will be pretty amusing and a true reflection of what amateur sports are like.

The Fat Guy Olympics can also include so-called sports like golf, bowling, darts and pool, games that require little exertion and at which many fat guys excel. Pin ball might be a good bet, too. The heck with all that sweaty running around and jumping over stuff, that's for the young and fit professionals. Races in the Fat Guy Olympics will be no longer than say, the 20 yard dash, or the 20 yard saunter, and to maximize the competitive juices, have the race end at a buffet table loaded with tasty treats. If you want to see a fat guy move real quick, there'd better be some chicken wings at the end of the race.

In the swimming pool competitions, forget the 300 meter butterfly or the platform diving. Make the swimming races once across the pool, again with a reward at the finish line, say a keg of beer. As for diving, there could be a Cannonball competition, see who can make the biggest splash. The Cannonball event would favor the tubbiest athletes, as would the Freestyle Bellyflop. Judges would award medals according to the size of the splash, spectators soaked and the loudness of impact. That's a lot more fun than Synchronized Swimming, a real snooze of a "sport" that can be appreciated only from directly overhead, where nobody but the cameraman gets to sit.

What about gymnastics in the Fat Guy Olympics, you say? Well, what about it? That's for graceful kids with serious talent who do it full time and this is the Fat Guy Olympics, so let's not get all purist. You want to see serious injuries here? Just the limbering up exercises will send our Fat Guys to the emergency room, never mind all that tumbling and flipping and contorting. Besides, those little girl gymnasts are all kidnapped from their families at age 5 and sent to live with sadistic coaches with bad breath and furry eyebrows until they are 16 or 17, at which point they are over the hill and finally taught to read. Then they marry some creepy politician with pedophiliac tendencies who has bad breath and furry eyebrows and their lives become even more miserable, if that's at all possible. No, thanks.

There's always the boat races. Not the rowing kind, of course. Please! That's for young Ivy League college boys from wealthy families. You take a bunch of small motorboats in identical states of disrepair filled with too many people, all of them drinking beer and whiskey and insisting that they be allowed to take the wheel. The first one out of the channel and into open water without capsizing wins. Extra points will be awarded for the skillful avoidance of competing motorboats going in circles as the crew fights over the driver's seat. And at the finish line? What else, more food and beer!

So there you have your Fat Guy Olympics, one proudly sponsored by Budweiser, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell, and featuring competitors to which the average person can easily relate. No interviews with laser-focused young bundles of sinew and testosterone with absolutely nothing on their minds but their own narrow interests. Fun guys having a good time is what we'll see, and a feeling that, unlike watching the regular Olympics; "Hey, I could do that!" And who knows, the Chinese National Basketball team just might be able to win the gold at these games. I wouldn't count on it, though. Those fat guy amateurs can be pretty vicious with the elbows and tripping their opponents. And when there's beer and food ads a reward, don't rule out a lot of punches being thrown too.