November 9, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 805
You don't know what trouble is until you get between a woman and her chocolate.
November 2, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PARTY 804
When the shit hits the fan, you can panic, or you can do something about it, but you can't do both.
THIS SUNDAY IS THE TASH BROTHERS BAND'S 20th NYC MARATHON SHOW, AND CITY HARVEST FOOD DRIVE. BE THERE!
On the first Sunday morning of November, like every first Sunday in November for the past 20 years, THE TASH BROTHERS BAND gets up at the wrong side of dawn to play The New York City Marathon at 89th St. & 4th Avenue in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. We set up our gear in front of Bay Ridge Honda and start playing at the ungodly rock & roll hour of 9:30 AM.
Why do we do this? Because it is the wildest, most exciting gig of the year, an adrenaline rush like nothing else, for the band, the spectators, the volunteers and the 40,000 screaming maniacs in speedos on the first few blocks of their long run. That's why this our 20th year performing for the runners and their many fans and well-wishersthat line the 26 mile route through all 5 New York City boroughs.
We start cranking out high energy rock & roll as soon as the runners come barreling down 4th Avenue from the starting gate on the Verrazano Bridge, a moving, undulating swarm of humanity psyched for the big day they trained so hard for, and we give them some high octane music to keep them strong.
A lot of runners stop and sing with the band, shake a tambourine, or snap some photos before continuing on they way. Meanwhile, the rest of them are filling 4th Avenue curb to curb, whistling, dancing, waving and cheering as they run. The big crowds all around the band on both sides of the street get onto the act too, cheering the runners, handing out bottled water and high-fiving people from Argentina, Nigeria and Sweden.
On the sidewalk on both sides of the band are big bins to collect food donations for City Harvest, New York City's most effective food bank. People that come to our little portion of the race bring along a small donation of non-perishable food items, a few cans here, some bags of rice there, and by the end of a couple of hours we've all had one whale of a good time and have collected hundreds of pounds of food for our less fortunate New York brothers and sisters and their children.
It's a win-win situation, a huge, amazing and unique New York City spectacle on a glorious Fall morning. This Sunday the forecast is for sunny and 60 degrees, not an ideal temperature for Marathoners but a pretty good one for Rock & Rollers. So come in down to Bay Ridge this Sunday, bring a small food donation and a set of high expectations. I guarantee you they will be exceeded.
And please don't forget about City Harvest for the rest of the year. Hunger knows no season. Their only mission is to eradicate hunger in their home town, New York City. Google them and find out what they are all about and see what you can do to help.
Meanwhile, in the words of the late, great Bob "The Bear" Hite of Canned Heat: "AND... DON'T .... FORGET.... TO BOOGIE!"
Why do we do this? Because it is the wildest, most exciting gig of the year, an adrenaline rush like nothing else, for the band, the spectators, the volunteers and the 40,000 screaming maniacs in speedos on the first few blocks of their long run. That's why this our 20th year performing for the runners and their many fans and well-wishersthat line the 26 mile route through all 5 New York City boroughs.
We start cranking out high energy rock & roll as soon as the runners come barreling down 4th Avenue from the starting gate on the Verrazano Bridge, a moving, undulating swarm of humanity psyched for the big day they trained so hard for, and we give them some high octane music to keep them strong.
A lot of runners stop and sing with the band, shake a tambourine, or snap some photos before continuing on they way. Meanwhile, the rest of them are filling 4th Avenue curb to curb, whistling, dancing, waving and cheering as they run. The big crowds all around the band on both sides of the street get onto the act too, cheering the runners, handing out bottled water and high-fiving people from Argentina, Nigeria and Sweden.
On the sidewalk on both sides of the band are big bins to collect food donations for City Harvest, New York City's most effective food bank. People that come to our little portion of the race bring along a small donation of non-perishable food items, a few cans here, some bags of rice there, and by the end of a couple of hours we've all had one whale of a good time and have collected hundreds of pounds of food for our less fortunate New York brothers and sisters and their children.
It's a win-win situation, a huge, amazing and unique New York City spectacle on a glorious Fall morning. This Sunday the forecast is for sunny and 60 degrees, not an ideal temperature for Marathoners but a pretty good one for Rock & Rollers. So come in down to Bay Ridge this Sunday, bring a small food donation and a set of high expectations. I guarantee you they will be exceeded.
And please don't forget about City Harvest for the rest of the year. Hunger knows no season. Their only mission is to eradicate hunger in their home town, New York City. Google them and find out what they are all about and see what you can do to help.
Meanwhile, in the words of the late, great Bob "The Bear" Hite of Canned Heat: "AND... DON'T .... FORGET.... TO BOOGIE!"
THIS SUNDAY IS THE TASH BROTHERS BAND 20th NYC MARATHON SHOW, AND CITY HARVEST FOOD DRIVE. BE THERE!
On the first Sunday morning of November, like every first Sunday in November for the past 20 years, THE TASH BROTHERS BAND gets up at the wrong side of dawn to play The New York City Marathon at 89th St. & 4th Avenue in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. We set up our gear in front of Bay Ridge Honda and start playing at the ungodly rock & roll hour of 9:30 AM.
Why do we do this? Because it is the wildest, most exciting gig of the year, an adrenaline rush like nothing else, for the band, the spectators, the volunteers and the 40,000 screaming maniacs in speedos on the first few blocks of their long run. That's why this our 20th year performing for the runners and their many fans and well-wishersthat line the 26 mile route through all 5 New York City boroughs.
We start cranking out high energy rock & roll as soon as the runners come barreling down 4th Avenue from the starting gate on the Verrazano Bridge, a moving, undulating swarm of humanity psyched for the big day they trained so hard for, and we give them some octane music to keep them strong.
A lot of runners stop and sing with the band, shake a tambourine, or snap some photos before continuing on they way. Meanwhile, the rest of them are filling 4th Avenue curb to curb, whistling, dancing, waving and cheering as they run. The big crowds all around the band on both sides of the street get onto the act too, cheering the runners, handing out bottled water and high-fiving people from Argentina, Nigeria and Sweden.
On the sidewalk on both sides of the band are big bins to collect food donations for City Harvest, New York City's most effective food bank. People that come to our little portion of the race bring along a small donation of non-perishable food items, a few cans here, some bags of rice there, and by the end of a couple of hours we've all had one whale of a good time and have collected hundreds of pounds of food for our less fortunate New York brothers and sisters and their children.
It's a win-win situation, a huge, amazing and unique New York City spectacle on a glorious Fall morning. This Sunday the forecast is for sunny and 60 degrees, not an ideal temperature for Marathoners but a pretty good one for Rock & Rollers. So come in down to Bay Ridge this Sunday, bring a small food donation and a set of high expectations. I guarantee you they will be exceeded.
And please don't forget about City Harvest for the rest of the year. Hunger knows no season. Their only mission is to eradicate hunger in their home town, New York City. Google them and find out what they are all about and see what you can do to help.
Meanwhile, in the words of the late, great Bob "The Bear" Hite of Canned Heat: "AND... DON'T .... FORGET.... TO BOOGIE!"
Why do we do this? Because it is the wildest, most exciting gig of the year, an adrenaline rush like nothing else, for the band, the spectators, the volunteers and the 40,000 screaming maniacs in speedos on the first few blocks of their long run. That's why this our 20th year performing for the runners and their many fans and well-wishersthat line the 26 mile route through all 5 New York City boroughs.
We start cranking out high energy rock & roll as soon as the runners come barreling down 4th Avenue from the starting gate on the Verrazano Bridge, a moving, undulating swarm of humanity psyched for the big day they trained so hard for, and we give them some octane music to keep them strong.
A lot of runners stop and sing with the band, shake a tambourine, or snap some photos before continuing on they way. Meanwhile, the rest of them are filling 4th Avenue curb to curb, whistling, dancing, waving and cheering as they run. The big crowds all around the band on both sides of the street get onto the act too, cheering the runners, handing out bottled water and high-fiving people from Argentina, Nigeria and Sweden.
On the sidewalk on both sides of the band are big bins to collect food donations for City Harvest, New York City's most effective food bank. People that come to our little portion of the race bring along a small donation of non-perishable food items, a few cans here, some bags of rice there, and by the end of a couple of hours we've all had one whale of a good time and have collected hundreds of pounds of food for our less fortunate New York brothers and sisters and their children.
It's a win-win situation, a huge, amazing and unique New York City spectacle on a glorious Fall morning. This Sunday the forecast is for sunny and 60 degrees, not an ideal temperature for Marathoners but a pretty good one for Rock & Rollers. So come in down to Bay Ridge this Sunday, bring a small food donation and a set of high expectations. I guarantee you they will be exceeded.
And please don't forget about City Harvest for the rest of the year. Hunger knows no season. Their only mission is to eradicate hunger in their home town, New York City. Google them and find out what they are all about and see what you can do to help.
Meanwhile, in the words of the late, great Bob "The Bear" Hite of Canned Heat: "AND... DON'T .... FORGET.... TO BOOGIE!"
November 1, 2011
DOPOTO REPORTS: IT'S GOOD TO BE KING! WHILE IT LASTS.
The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO) has been following the Occupy Wall Street movement, a popular protest against corporate greed and criminal business practices, as well as the responses of opponents of the movement. The protesters call themselves the 99%, referring to the fact that 1% of Americans are hogging all the money and impoverishing their countrymen.
Several small cities' worth of foreclosed homes dotting the land attests to the validity of a rapidly shrinking middle class, and the corresponding spike in the wealth of the richest 1% of their countrymen. Senior Analysts at The Department are a skeptical sort by nature and training, and view this "coinicidence" as anything but a random occurrence.
Researchers at DOPOTO have discovered this is not quite accurate, because the 1% figure is an exaggeration. It is actually less than 1%, but about .0006% of Americans who have all the money, so technically, the Occupy Wall Street people should be called the 99.4%. In America, over 40% of the wealth is concentrated in the hands of six-tenths of a percentage point of the population, about 1,860,000 individuals and their families out of 310,000,000 U.S. citizens at last count.
Out of this tiny minority, 412 individuals stand head and shoulders above even them by being billionaires, the very tip top of the totem pole in the Owning Of Things Department. These 412 people and their families own more wealth than half of all American citizens combined. Their average wealth is 2.75 billion dollars, making them less than one-quarter of a percentage percentage point of the 1%, or, one in 742,000 Americans (you do the percentage point math on that one, that being one of DOPOTO's regrettable weak points).
It has been further ascertained that while these one-percenters pay taxes on their half of the nation's income, most of their income is labeled as "capital gains" and so goes untaxed. On the other hand, the 99.4% pays instant withholding taxes at a higher percentage of their earnings than the 1% pays on their stated earnings (a whole different ballpark), with little or no access to loopholes or tax shelters.
Another surprising thing is that for the first time in recorded history, a popular mass opposition movement has been mobilized not against any government, but against corporations, which the population views as the biggest threat to their collective prosperity and well being, filled people who steal vast sums of money even though they are already fabulously wealthy, and who infiltrate and corrupt their elected government.
The 1% responds to all this by basically declaring that this is good old American Capitalism at work and tough noogies if we're smarter than you and can rig the game. Who is right and who is wrong is beside the point, and not the place of The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious to decide. Ours is only to point out the obvious, our only mission.
Our archival research indicates that any public compromise forthcoming will signal a victory for the wealthy over the many, for historically they have employed the better lawyers. There are but 2 possible outcomes to this popular rising: the mighty will fall or the mighty will win and things will continue as they are.
Analysts here at DOPOTO have collated this data with our research on the loss of American jobs to Third World tyrannies, the growing list of ghost houses, the 2 wars being waged on credit and the latest research reflecting the average 30% raise that corporate executives voted themselves this year, and have come to but one obvious (our only specialty) conclusion: It's good to be King. While it lasts.
This was a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious
Several small cities' worth of foreclosed homes dotting the land attests to the validity of a rapidly shrinking middle class, and the corresponding spike in the wealth of the richest 1% of their countrymen. Senior Analysts at The Department are a skeptical sort by nature and training, and view this "coinicidence" as anything but a random occurrence.
Researchers at DOPOTO have discovered this is not quite accurate, because the 1% figure is an exaggeration. It is actually less than 1%, but about .0006% of Americans who have all the money, so technically, the Occupy Wall Street people should be called the 99.4%. In America, over 40% of the wealth is concentrated in the hands of six-tenths of a percentage point of the population, about 1,860,000 individuals and their families out of 310,000,000 U.S. citizens at last count.
Out of this tiny minority, 412 individuals stand head and shoulders above even them by being billionaires, the very tip top of the totem pole in the Owning Of Things Department. These 412 people and their families own more wealth than half of all American citizens combined. Their average wealth is 2.75 billion dollars, making them less than one-quarter of a percentage percentage point of the 1%, or, one in 742,000 Americans (you do the percentage point math on that one, that being one of DOPOTO's regrettable weak points).
It has been further ascertained that while these one-percenters pay taxes on their half of the nation's income, most of their income is labeled as "capital gains" and so goes untaxed. On the other hand, the 99.4% pays instant withholding taxes at a higher percentage of their earnings than the 1% pays on their stated earnings (a whole different ballpark), with little or no access to loopholes or tax shelters.
Another surprising thing is that for the first time in recorded history, a popular mass opposition movement has been mobilized not against any government, but against corporations, which the population views as the biggest threat to their collective prosperity and well being, filled people who steal vast sums of money even though they are already fabulously wealthy, and who infiltrate and corrupt their elected government.
The 1% responds to all this by basically declaring that this is good old American Capitalism at work and tough noogies if we're smarter than you and can rig the game. Who is right and who is wrong is beside the point, and not the place of The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious to decide. Ours is only to point out the obvious, our only mission.
Our archival research indicates that any public compromise forthcoming will signal a victory for the wealthy over the many, for historically they have employed the better lawyers. There are but 2 possible outcomes to this popular rising: the mighty will fall or the mighty will win and things will continue as they are.
Analysts here at DOPOTO have collated this data with our research on the loss of American jobs to Third World tyrannies, the growing list of ghost houses, the 2 wars being waged on credit and the latest research reflecting the average 30% raise that corporate executives voted themselves this year, and have come to but one obvious (our only specialty) conclusion: It's good to be King. While it lasts.
This was a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 803
Your problems aren't so bad when compared to dead people. Theirs are totally unsolvable.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 801
Life is like a sink full of dirty dishes. It looks awful at first, but it's not so bad once you get your hands wet.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 799
When the best possible outcome in life is to die in your sleep someday, we might as well enjoy the hell out of all the days that come before that one.
September 27, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 798
Life is all about the food.
There's nothing else we obsess about 3 times a day.
There's nothing else we obsess about 3 times a day.
September 20, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 797
The only thing we really have to fear is other people telling us what we should fear. Fears are a case-by-case affair, no coaching necessary, thank you.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 795
Those who are about to die always make their last messages about love, thus defining the truest and most powerful measure of their lives. When push comes to shove, outrage, anger, fear and despair takes a back seat to love.
September 8, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 794
Love defies logic, mathematics and physics because, the more of it you give away, the more you have.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 793
Life is funny. Not hah-hah funny, but funny. Eventually you get it, but way too late the avoid that "Born to Boogie" tattoo, two failed marriages and a couple of years in the pen for fencing stolen goods.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 792
Never trouble another for what you know damned well they're going to do for you anyway. No sense rubbing it in.
August 18, 2011
THINGS PEOPLE CAN DO THAT CORPORATIONS CAN'T
In a recent session U.S. The Supreme Court decided that corporations are people, entitled the same rights and privileges as individuals. As batshit crazy as that sounds, that is now the law of the land. It seems that somebody somewhere passed a law prohibiting corporations from purchasing elections wholesale to add to their already sizable collection of Congressmen, which pissed off the corporations no end when they were so close to a complete set!
So the corporations sued and lost a bunch of times (not all courts are crazy)and appealed all the decisions against them all the way to the Supreme Court, spending many, many millions of dollars in the process. Corporate lawyers argued that, just like any other citizen, they were entitled to spend their money as they see fit. The fact that corporations are not human beings but businesses didn't stop grown men and women from arguing that they indeed were.
Well, as luck would have it, today's Supreme Court is dominated by Major Corporate Stooges, so it was decided by the Final Word in American Law that corporations could indeed buy all the elections they darn well pleased, because, you see, they were people just like you and me after all! As absurd as this sounds, this concept has actually been embraced by Republicans, and the leading GOP candidate for president just reminded a voter that "Corporations are people, my friend!"
We beg to differ. There are many things people can do that corporations cannot do, things that define us as people. Can corporations do these things? You decide:
Get laid in the back seat of a Mustang.
Get a tattoo saying "Geraldine 4 Ever" on your neck.
Breathe.
Wiggle their ears.
Feel hungry.
Go to a baseball game.
Take a good crap.
Get arrested.
Catch a cold.
Be responsible for one's own actions.
Flirt with the waitress.
Care.
Play bagpipes.
Apologize.
Repay loyalty.
Vote.
Write a poem.
Hold hands.
Dance.
Shoot the breeze.
Sing.
Stay out all night.
Make a film.
Get married.
Paint a portrait.
Stare into space.
Laugh.
Love a baby.
Write a book.
Go skinny dipping.
Fart.
Think.
Drive cross country.
Masturbate.
Go on a diet.
Tell a joke.
Kiss.
Get shot out of a cannon.
Wiggle your toes in the sand.
Rock out.
Die of cancer.
Fall head over heels in love.
Enjoy a sunset.
Babysit.
Read the funny papers.
Look a man in the eye when delivering bad news.
Climb a tree.
Play Scrabble.
Watch an episode of Law & Order that you've seen 3 times but you like the Lenny Briscoe character.
Go to Coney Island.
Read the handwriting on the wall.
So the corporations sued and lost a bunch of times (not all courts are crazy)and appealed all the decisions against them all the way to the Supreme Court, spending many, many millions of dollars in the process. Corporate lawyers argued that, just like any other citizen, they were entitled to spend their money as they see fit. The fact that corporations are not human beings but businesses didn't stop grown men and women from arguing that they indeed were.
Well, as luck would have it, today's Supreme Court is dominated by Major Corporate Stooges, so it was decided by the Final Word in American Law that corporations could indeed buy all the elections they darn well pleased, because, you see, they were people just like you and me after all! As absurd as this sounds, this concept has actually been embraced by Republicans, and the leading GOP candidate for president just reminded a voter that "Corporations are people, my friend!"
We beg to differ. There are many things people can do that corporations cannot do, things that define us as people. Can corporations do these things? You decide:
Get laid in the back seat of a Mustang.
Get a tattoo saying "Geraldine 4 Ever" on your neck.
Breathe.
Wiggle their ears.
Feel hungry.
Go to a baseball game.
Take a good crap.
Get arrested.
Catch a cold.
Be responsible for one's own actions.
Flirt with the waitress.
Care.
Play bagpipes.
Apologize.
Repay loyalty.
Vote.
Write a poem.
Hold hands.
Dance.
Shoot the breeze.
Sing.
Stay out all night.
Make a film.
Get married.
Paint a portrait.
Stare into space.
Laugh.
Love a baby.
Write a book.
Go skinny dipping.
Fart.
Think.
Drive cross country.
Masturbate.
Go on a diet.
Tell a joke.
Kiss.
Get shot out of a cannon.
Wiggle your toes in the sand.
Rock out.
Die of cancer.
Fall head over heels in love.
Enjoy a sunset.
Babysit.
Read the funny papers.
Look a man in the eye when delivering bad news.
Climb a tree.
Play Scrabble.
Watch an episode of Law & Order that you've seen 3 times but you like the Lenny Briscoe character.
Go to Coney Island.
Read the handwriting on the wall.
July 25, 2011
OBAMA: DUMP BIDEN, HIRE ME!
President Obama looks like he can win reelection, but only just barely. The only thing preventing it will be his choice of Vice President. Oh, I know, I know, you're saying to yourselves that he's already got a perfectly serviceable Vice President in Joe Biden, affable and a bit dopey, the way we like 'em. Only problem is, that Old Joe wants more! This born-to-be-second-banana wants to be Top Dog, and we've all seen the results of that last time around when Shotgun Dick Cheney staged a bloodless coup and took over America!
That's like Larry deciding he wants to be Moe, or in Biden's case, Curly! That just won't do, and the Cheney Administration only highlighted this recipe for disaster. This country was not built on having talented, high-profile Vice Presidents. Quick, name 5 memorable VPs! No? Okay, how about 3? See what I mean? They just don't register. Traditionally, the only time you hear about one is when a President dies in office and he takes over, a guy no one voted for and who no one wants to see running the show.
Look at the piss-poor record of Vice Presidents when running for President. Few make it, simply because they have spent 4 or 8 years not making a difference, relegated to we'll-call-you-if-we-need-you status, maybe breaking a tie vote in the Senate every couple of years, and the rest of the time making speeches to 4H Clubs and attending the funerals of state leaders we didn't like all that much.
Joe Biden was made for this minor league crap, but this Larry all of sudden wants to be a Moe and is making way too much noise for a VP! See, the problem here is that Biden has run for president himself a few times, and didn't get very far, but that didn't dissuade him from thinking he could be The Man. No friggin' way! The voters told him that time and again, but this old bag of hot air refuses to read the memo.
Time for a new Larry: Yours truly! I will be more than happy to melt into the background and do very little. Hell, the salary is great, the perks even better, and a great lifetime pension too! Why ask for more? There's a Vice Presidential Mansion with a nice pool to live in, an office with a large staff to help you do nothing, a bunch of Secret Service Agents running interference for you and and the use of Air Force 2 to travel the globe spreading good will and judging wet T-shirt contests in Brazil!
What's not to love? Why ruin a sweet gig like this by working extra hard in a job designed for a lazy but jovial old fool? That's me! I promise not to embarrass the American people or my President by trying to govern America. That's what Presidents and Congress are for. I vow not to come up with any "bright ideas" that throw a monkey wrench into the President's plans.
Any President who hires me to be his VP also gains another vital edge: assassination insurance. Even the most crazed assassin would take pause before firing the bullet that would put the likes of me in the White House! This way the President can concentrate on the hardest job on earth with out having to worry about either being shot down or having a thorn-in-his-side type of clueless VP always putting his 2¢ in or making stupid public statements.
No worries on that score with Vice President Bob Crespo. Between fact-finding missions to Scandinavia and the French Riviera, swimming in the Vice Presidential pool with my attractive young interns and showing minor visiting dignitaries a whale of a good time, I'll have plenty enough to do without worrying about politics, or worse, actually formulating workable policies.
I will restore the office of the Vice President to the margins of American political life, a do-nothing job held down by a guy who looks good in a suit and is quick with a joke or a ringing endorsement of whatever cockamamie thing the president is up to at the moment. I'm practicing these catch phrases now: "What he said," "It's the best thing for the nation right now," "I agree wholeheartedly with the president" and "Is this a great country, or what?"
I'll smile and wink at the cameras, maybe flash the occasional "V For Victory" finger sign, but only rarely speak out, and then only if the president asks me to. If he needs me to threaten someone, I'd do that too, Brooklyn style, so his hands will be clean when Senator so-and-so shows up at a session with a couple of black eyes and a broken thumb to cast his vote in favor of the President.
How many mob enforcers does Joe Biden know? Hah! And fugghetabout corporate lobbyists, I'd have them kneecapped and beaten within an inch of their lives (maybe even have a few whacked to send a message) and clean up D.C in no time! Coming from Brooklyn has its advantages, and a "suggestion" to lobbyists that they "maybe you oughtta pick a healthier career" and leave Washington for good can only help lubricate the wheels of government.
So there we have it; quiet, non-interfering, fun loving and affable, yet willing to do the "little extras" to help my country (and keep my cushy job!). The choice is clear:
BOB CRESPO FOR VICE PRESIDENT IN 2012.
OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND!
That's like Larry deciding he wants to be Moe, or in Biden's case, Curly! That just won't do, and the Cheney Administration only highlighted this recipe for disaster. This country was not built on having talented, high-profile Vice Presidents. Quick, name 5 memorable VPs! No? Okay, how about 3? See what I mean? They just don't register. Traditionally, the only time you hear about one is when a President dies in office and he takes over, a guy no one voted for and who no one wants to see running the show.
Look at the piss-poor record of Vice Presidents when running for President. Few make it, simply because they have spent 4 or 8 years not making a difference, relegated to we'll-call-you-if-we-need-you status, maybe breaking a tie vote in the Senate every couple of years, and the rest of the time making speeches to 4H Clubs and attending the funerals of state leaders we didn't like all that much.
Joe Biden was made for this minor league crap, but this Larry all of sudden wants to be a Moe and is making way too much noise for a VP! See, the problem here is that Biden has run for president himself a few times, and didn't get very far, but that didn't dissuade him from thinking he could be The Man. No friggin' way! The voters told him that time and again, but this old bag of hot air refuses to read the memo.
Time for a new Larry: Yours truly! I will be more than happy to melt into the background and do very little. Hell, the salary is great, the perks even better, and a great lifetime pension too! Why ask for more? There's a Vice Presidential Mansion with a nice pool to live in, an office with a large staff to help you do nothing, a bunch of Secret Service Agents running interference for you and and the use of Air Force 2 to travel the globe spreading good will and judging wet T-shirt contests in Brazil!
What's not to love? Why ruin a sweet gig like this by working extra hard in a job designed for a lazy but jovial old fool? That's me! I promise not to embarrass the American people or my President by trying to govern America. That's what Presidents and Congress are for. I vow not to come up with any "bright ideas" that throw a monkey wrench into the President's plans.
Any President who hires me to be his VP also gains another vital edge: assassination insurance. Even the most crazed assassin would take pause before firing the bullet that would put the likes of me in the White House! This way the President can concentrate on the hardest job on earth with out having to worry about either being shot down or having a thorn-in-his-side type of clueless VP always putting his 2¢ in or making stupid public statements.
No worries on that score with Vice President Bob Crespo. Between fact-finding missions to Scandinavia and the French Riviera, swimming in the Vice Presidential pool with my attractive young interns and showing minor visiting dignitaries a whale of a good time, I'll have plenty enough to do without worrying about politics, or worse, actually formulating workable policies.
I will restore the office of the Vice President to the margins of American political life, a do-nothing job held down by a guy who looks good in a suit and is quick with a joke or a ringing endorsement of whatever cockamamie thing the president is up to at the moment. I'm practicing these catch phrases now: "What he said," "It's the best thing for the nation right now," "I agree wholeheartedly with the president" and "Is this a great country, or what?"
I'll smile and wink at the cameras, maybe flash the occasional "V For Victory" finger sign, but only rarely speak out, and then only if the president asks me to. If he needs me to threaten someone, I'd do that too, Brooklyn style, so his hands will be clean when Senator so-and-so shows up at a session with a couple of black eyes and a broken thumb to cast his vote in favor of the President.
How many mob enforcers does Joe Biden know? Hah! And fugghetabout corporate lobbyists, I'd have them kneecapped and beaten within an inch of their lives (maybe even have a few whacked to send a message) and clean up D.C in no time! Coming from Brooklyn has its advantages, and a "suggestion" to lobbyists that they "maybe you oughtta pick a healthier career" and leave Washington for good can only help lubricate the wheels of government.
So there we have it; quiet, non-interfering, fun loving and affable, yet willing to do the "little extras" to help my country (and keep my cushy job!). The choice is clear:
BOB CRESPO FOR VICE PRESIDENT IN 2012.
OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND!
July 22, 2011
July 14, 2011
NOW MORE THAN EVER: BOB CRESPO FOR VICE PRESIDENT
The 2012 Presidential Elections are still over a year away but the Republican Candidates, both declared and otherwise, are already in our collective face, appearing everywhere and trumpeting their indignation at the current Democratic administration, and assuring us that their unique skill sets will enable them to undo the carnage of the previous Republican administration.
Fortunately for President Obama, these GOP and Tea Party Wannabe Presidents are scary crazy and thick as a fence post, every one. What the Republicans seem to have forgotten since their success with the pinheaded Bush The Younger, is that you put the wacky person as the #2 person on the ballot, the office of the Vice Presidency, where they are harmlessly out of the way, running minor state errands and shaking hands with Boy Scouts.
Which is where I come in, to address President Obama's one weakness at the polls, the #2 man. Joe Biden has been showing signs of taking his job seriously, never a good thing in the annals of the Vice Presidency. Hell, that crazy Cheney guy took over the country! Now Joe all of a sudden has opinions on things? That just won't do. Mr. President, dump that croaking frog and share your ticket with me! I'll be so anonymous you'll wonder if I'm even there, the way a proper Vice President behaves!
As Vice President., I will be accorded the Vice Presidential Mansion (with pool!), Air Force 2 (just as cool as AF1), an extensive staff and no shortage of attractive young interns of my own choosing. I will be expected to show up in the Senate every blue moon to break a tie, fly around the world checking beach erosion in Rio and the Riviera, attend minor state functions and basically look good in a suit or tuxedo. Plus a nice salary and a chubby phat expense account. You think I'm going to screw up a sweet gig like that by getting involved in politics? No chance.
I, Bob Crespo, solemnly swear to return the Vice Presidency of the United States of America to its hallowed and time honored position; anonymous, smiling and affable! I am even willing to grow mutton chop whiskers and wear a top hat just like all those other Vice Presidents whose names you don't know but seemed like jolly enough fellows, but not quite up to being President. If they were baseball players, they'd have what is called "warning track power."
But that's just fine with me, that is all we really want from our Vice Presidents, the appearance of normality. As long as you can master that, it doesn't matter how loony you are, just as long as you keep it out of the papers! The real President has enough to do without worrying about a loose cannon like Biden mouthing off about something he doesn't know a thing about because he's out of the loop! I will stay out of the loop and make it my business not to get involved in the business of governing!
See, that's the problem with modern Vice Presidents: they are all picked from the bunch of candidates that the nominee just defeated, people who spent over a year trashing his policies and selling their own, so they all think they they can do a better job than their boss. I suffer no such illusions. My answer to all political questions will be: "What the President said!"
Oh, did I mention the sweet pension and the lifetime Secret Service bodyguard detail? Great seats at Yankee Stadium forever! But I digress. Today I announce my candidacy for the office of Vice President of The United States. I humbly offer my lack of services to President Obama and the nation.
BOB CRESPO FOR VICE PRESIDENT IN 2012!
OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF (MY) MIND!
Fortunately for President Obama, these GOP and Tea Party Wannabe Presidents are scary crazy and thick as a fence post, every one. What the Republicans seem to have forgotten since their success with the pinheaded Bush The Younger, is that you put the wacky person as the #2 person on the ballot, the office of the Vice Presidency, where they are harmlessly out of the way, running minor state errands and shaking hands with Boy Scouts.
Which is where I come in, to address President Obama's one weakness at the polls, the #2 man. Joe Biden has been showing signs of taking his job seriously, never a good thing in the annals of the Vice Presidency. Hell, that crazy Cheney guy took over the country! Now Joe all of a sudden has opinions on things? That just won't do. Mr. President, dump that croaking frog and share your ticket with me! I'll be so anonymous you'll wonder if I'm even there, the way a proper Vice President behaves!
As Vice President., I will be accorded the Vice Presidential Mansion (with pool!), Air Force 2 (just as cool as AF1), an extensive staff and no shortage of attractive young interns of my own choosing. I will be expected to show up in the Senate every blue moon to break a tie, fly around the world checking beach erosion in Rio and the Riviera, attend minor state functions and basically look good in a suit or tuxedo. Plus a nice salary and a chubby phat expense account. You think I'm going to screw up a sweet gig like that by getting involved in politics? No chance.
I, Bob Crespo, solemnly swear to return the Vice Presidency of the United States of America to its hallowed and time honored position; anonymous, smiling and affable! I am even willing to grow mutton chop whiskers and wear a top hat just like all those other Vice Presidents whose names you don't know but seemed like jolly enough fellows, but not quite up to being President. If they were baseball players, they'd have what is called "warning track power."
But that's just fine with me, that is all we really want from our Vice Presidents, the appearance of normality. As long as you can master that, it doesn't matter how loony you are, just as long as you keep it out of the papers! The real President has enough to do without worrying about a loose cannon like Biden mouthing off about something he doesn't know a thing about because he's out of the loop! I will stay out of the loop and make it my business not to get involved in the business of governing!
See, that's the problem with modern Vice Presidents: they are all picked from the bunch of candidates that the nominee just defeated, people who spent over a year trashing his policies and selling their own, so they all think they they can do a better job than their boss. I suffer no such illusions. My answer to all political questions will be: "What the President said!"
Oh, did I mention the sweet pension and the lifetime Secret Service bodyguard detail? Great seats at Yankee Stadium forever! But I digress. Today I announce my candidacy for the office of Vice President of The United States. I humbly offer my lack of services to President Obama and the nation.
BOB CRESPO FOR VICE PRESIDENT IN 2012!
OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF (MY) MIND!
July 6, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 788
It is said that the only sure things are death and taxes. This is not true. You can evade taxes.
June 2, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 786
Every so often ask yourself if your assumptions are valid or just a load of horseshit you've heard repeated so often that they seem like the God's honest. You just might need a big broom.
May 28, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 785
If you feel the need to be a "type" to bolster your self esteem, stay away from these: "Troubled Drifter" and "Edgy Loner." Those can be real social-life assassins.
May 22, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 784
If you are a wanted desperado on the run who is relieved that the TV show "America's Most Wanted" has been cancelled, you would be foolish to assume that the FBI will stop looking for you just because John Walsh is off the case. Low profile is the way to go.
AMERICA'S MOST WANTED: UNFINISHED BUSINESS - THE ONES THAT SLIPPED THROUGH THE MANHUNT
The news comes to us that the weekly crime-fighting show, "America''s Most Wanted" has been cancelled by the FOX network and this season will be its last. After 24 seasons, 1,140 shows and 1,151 desperadoes captured, John Walsh and his crack team of narrators will be leaving a hole in our Saturday night TV viewing schedule. While Walsh and his team derive great satisfaction in helping both local and federal law-enforcement officials across the nation lock up some very dangerous human predators, there also a feeling of regret as well over some high profile offenders still at a large. Looks like America is on its own when it comes to catching these public enemies:
Johannes "Jay" Walker: From the heart of New York City, Mid-town Manhattan, Jay Walker has been brazenly flouting pedestrian rules and Don't Walk signs for over 2 decades! Surveillance footage from the security cameras of countless NYC skyscrapers and bodegas have captured Mr. Walker's crimes again and again. His latest daring broad-daylight caper was a mad dash across Broadway at the height of rush hour, causing at least one taxi to screech to a halt. As a result, its passenger spilled hot latte from Starbucks all over her Gucci ensemble and the driver to be temporarily blinded when his turban unravelled.
Joseph "Ripper" Kowalski: Hailing from Duluth Minnesota, this troubled loner has been spotted by alert eyewitnesses and caught on videotape at furniture stores and retail bedding outlets nationwide. A cunning criminal, Ripper pretends to be shopping for a new mattress when he suddenly produces a concealed pen knife and removes the labels from as many mattresses as he can, rendering them completely useless. He then shouts our "Death to Sealy" and exits the premises before startled clerks and customers can react. Criminal profilers at the FBI theorize that he is either a disgruntled former mattress factory employee, or that guy who just couldn't find his "ideal sleep number."
Freddy Ponzi: No one is exactly sure of what this guy did and didn't do, but the Financial Meltdown of 2008 and the conviction of Bernie Madoff in a $100 billion "Ponzi" scheme has authorities eager to talk with Freddy. They're not buying his "unfortunate coincidence" explanations and have charged him with causing the near-collapse of entire financial system of the United States and the theft of $7 trillion dollars. His lawyer has gone on record with the lamest defense imaginable, that it was the bankers and corporate executives themselves that robbed all the money, and his client is just an innocent truck driver who's name happens to be Ponzi. Then why is he in hiding and where did Madoff get the "Ponzi" idea?
William "Bull" O'Really: Long a cable TV broadcaster and professional blowhard, Bull O'Really has actually committed no crimes that AMW was aware of, he just really got on John Wash's nerves with all his lying and phony anger, so Bull was often featured on the program for fraud in the first degree and "Aggravating Impersonation of a Journalist."
Shotgun Dick Cheney: America's first dictator, Shotgun Dick Cheney is charged with taking over the United States Government from language and motor skill-impaired George W. "Dumbya" Bush, lying America into a war with Iraq so he and he and Halliburton buddies could cash in to the tune of billion$, suspending the Bill of Rights, exposing a U.S. spy and stealing Top Secret American robot technology and having it installed in his own body to extend his life indefinitely. DO NOT approach this man or attempt to apprehend him yourself, he is surrounded by lethal robot security guards and has a death laser eye!
If you see Jay Walker, Ripper Kowalski, Freddy Ponzi, Bull O'Really or Shotgun Dick or, keep your distance and call 1(800) ohwaityoucan'tcallthey'vebeencancelled. (Now they really can guarantee you can remain anonymous!) THE MANHUNT STOPS NOW!
Johannes "Jay" Walker: From the heart of New York City, Mid-town Manhattan, Jay Walker has been brazenly flouting pedestrian rules and Don't Walk signs for over 2 decades! Surveillance footage from the security cameras of countless NYC skyscrapers and bodegas have captured Mr. Walker's crimes again and again. His latest daring broad-daylight caper was a mad dash across Broadway at the height of rush hour, causing at least one taxi to screech to a halt. As a result, its passenger spilled hot latte from Starbucks all over her Gucci ensemble and the driver to be temporarily blinded when his turban unravelled.
Joseph "Ripper" Kowalski: Hailing from Duluth Minnesota, this troubled loner has been spotted by alert eyewitnesses and caught on videotape at furniture stores and retail bedding outlets nationwide. A cunning criminal, Ripper pretends to be shopping for a new mattress when he suddenly produces a concealed pen knife and removes the labels from as many mattresses as he can, rendering them completely useless. He then shouts our "Death to Sealy" and exits the premises before startled clerks and customers can react. Criminal profilers at the FBI theorize that he is either a disgruntled former mattress factory employee, or that guy who just couldn't find his "ideal sleep number."
Freddy Ponzi: No one is exactly sure of what this guy did and didn't do, but the Financial Meltdown of 2008 and the conviction of Bernie Madoff in a $100 billion "Ponzi" scheme has authorities eager to talk with Freddy. They're not buying his "unfortunate coincidence" explanations and have charged him with causing the near-collapse of entire financial system of the United States and the theft of $7 trillion dollars. His lawyer has gone on record with the lamest defense imaginable, that it was the bankers and corporate executives themselves that robbed all the money, and his client is just an innocent truck driver who's name happens to be Ponzi. Then why is he in hiding and where did Madoff get the "Ponzi" idea?
William "Bull" O'Really: Long a cable TV broadcaster and professional blowhard, Bull O'Really has actually committed no crimes that AMW was aware of, he just really got on John Wash's nerves with all his lying and phony anger, so Bull was often featured on the program for fraud in the first degree and "Aggravating Impersonation of a Journalist."
Shotgun Dick Cheney: America's first dictator, Shotgun Dick Cheney is charged with taking over the United States Government from language and motor skill-impaired George W. "Dumbya" Bush, lying America into a war with Iraq so he and he and Halliburton buddies could cash in to the tune of billion$, suspending the Bill of Rights, exposing a U.S. spy and stealing Top Secret American robot technology and having it installed in his own body to extend his life indefinitely. DO NOT approach this man or attempt to apprehend him yourself, he is surrounded by lethal robot security guards and has a death laser eye!
If you see Jay Walker, Ripper Kowalski, Freddy Ponzi, Bull O'Really or Shotgun Dick or, keep your distance and call 1(800) ohwaityoucan'tcallthey'vebeencancelled. (Now they really can guarantee you can remain anonymous!) THE MANHUNT STOPS NOW!
May 20, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 783
To get ahead in this world, it's not who you know, but who leaves you $50 million bucks and a penthouse in their will.
May 11, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 782
The written word is a powerful tool. For example, you probably were not going to think about a purple armadillo anytime soon, but you are now.
May 9, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 781
If you are a doormat, don't complain when people walk all over you. Doormats serve no other purpose.
IMAM HOOZYAH DADYEH TAKES COMMAND OF AL QAEDA
Bobcrespo.com has done it again, successfully wiretapping the latest meeting of the Al Qaeda Leadership Council, held in the conference room of a Day's Motor Inn on the outskirts of the city of Abbotancostelloabad in Western Pakistan. The recent "firing" of long time CEO Osama bin Laden has prompted much behind-the-scenes jockeying for the top spot by several contenders, and this meeting was held to settle the issue once and for all in order to continue their ongoing mission to "kill where no man has killed before." The meeting was chaired by Sheik Yerbouti of Wazzuppistan.
Sheik Yerbouti: Gentlemen, this meeting is called to order. As we all know, our leader of blessed memory, Osama bin Laden, has been martyred by The Great Satan and is now enjoying his menage a' 72 in Paradise, so it is left to us to pick a new leader. Let's get right down to business, shall we? I nominate myself! The floor is open.
Sultan Peppah: Wait just a doggone minute, Yerbouti! Who died and made you king?
Sheik Yerbouti: Osama did! It is well known that I was Osama's most trusted aide and his only logical successor!
Mullah Yaba Dabadu: I'll tell you what I recall, you goat-humping old swine, that at the last meeting of the leadership council you refused the honor of taking the #2 job and forced Osama to be his own assistant, thus dooming him!
Ayatollah Howmennee: Dabadu's right! Allah knows that The Great Satan has been picking off our #2 men for years with their metal robot hawks! Maybe if you took the #2 job Osama would still be alive and you would be the one sleeping with the fishes!
Sheik Yerbouti: Can I help it if all our #2 men boasted of their elevation on Facebook! What ever happened to following the Book Of Corleone: "Never tell anyone outside the family what you're thinking!"
Ayatollah Howmennee: Tell that to your Twitter following, you simpering jackal!
Sheik Yerbouti: Who would you propose to take the Blessed Martyr's place, yourself?
Ayatollah Howmennee: I myself am unworthy, but I do nominate the eminent and bloodthirsty Ali Ali Oxenfrei, who so bravely organized the tribal warlords to resist the American military in Afghanistan. He is a man among men!
Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: That's exactly the problem with him, he's got more teenaged boyfriends than a Republican Senator!
Sultan Peppah: You're point being?
Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: Allah preserve us! If 3 veiled homely wives were good enough for Martyr Osama, I say we don't elect this drooling chicken hawk to lead us. What are we, The Village People all of a sudden?
Ayatollah Howmennee: So, you would reject centuries of established custom just because you prefer the bed of a woman? You're no better than those infidel Tea Party buffoons who would deny gay marriage in the Great Satan!
Sheik Yerbouti: Gentlemen, gentleman, we are getting off topic here! We have come here to choose a new leader of the fight to crush the Western dogs and spread Islam to every corner of the earth.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Even Vegas? Get real, Yerbouti, there has to be some pockets of decadent idolatry and fornication left for us to condemn, otherwise our whole reason for living would cease to exist! If you recall our last meeting, there was some unfinished business of exactly who gets to govern Las Vegas once we take over, and I graciously volunteered for this unpleasant task.
Sheik Yerbouti: Good point, Howmennee. And yes, I suppose you can have the honor of presiding over that den of sinful fornicators and condemning them to your heart's content.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Of course one would have to extensively sample these deviant pleasures in oder to speak authoritatively on such matters...
Sheik Yerbouti: Alright already, Howmennee, we got the disturbing mental memo! Enough! If you elect me, the job is all yours.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Then I support you completely. I will be leaving soon to do some undercover research in order to prepare the way....
Sultan Peppah: Not so fast, curry breath! What about Caliph Hamman Aigz? He is a loyal Muslim and an experienced fighter!
Sheik Yerbouti: Hamman Aigz? Even we are not so dimwitted to follow a man with such a name! Our pubic relations have taken a severe enough beating already this week! Have any of you seen the latest polls? We are held in lower esteem than even Shotgun Dick Cheney!
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Hold off on the vote a sec, willya, I must visit the lavatory. This rancid Pakistani lamb kebab is going through me like an express camel caravan through the Sahara!
Sheik Yerbouti: Okay, fine, Dadyeh, but make it fast, you never know when one of those robot Predator Hawks will pick up our trail. We will take a 5 minute break for refreshments.
Mullah Yaba Dabadu: What is that infernal whistling sound? Okay, who left the tea kettle boiling?
(Editor's note: At this point there was a loud boom on our tape, then a brief silence, but luckily the microphone withstood whatever caused it.)
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Okay, I'm back. Did I miss anyth.... What the fuck! Alrighty then, let us duly record this day that I, Imam Hoozyah Dadyeh of Weirdistan, will henceforth and forever be the undisputed and Supreme Leader of Al Qaeda. Are their any objections?
The Assembled Al Qaeda Leadership Council:
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Then it is unanimous. Meeting adjourned, Death to America. Taxi!
Sheik Yerbouti: Gentlemen, this meeting is called to order. As we all know, our leader of blessed memory, Osama bin Laden, has been martyred by The Great Satan and is now enjoying his menage a' 72 in Paradise, so it is left to us to pick a new leader. Let's get right down to business, shall we? I nominate myself! The floor is open.
Sultan Peppah: Wait just a doggone minute, Yerbouti! Who died and made you king?
Sheik Yerbouti: Osama did! It is well known that I was Osama's most trusted aide and his only logical successor!
Mullah Yaba Dabadu: I'll tell you what I recall, you goat-humping old swine, that at the last meeting of the leadership council you refused the honor of taking the #2 job and forced Osama to be his own assistant, thus dooming him!
Ayatollah Howmennee: Dabadu's right! Allah knows that The Great Satan has been picking off our #2 men for years with their metal robot hawks! Maybe if you took the #2 job Osama would still be alive and you would be the one sleeping with the fishes!
Sheik Yerbouti: Can I help it if all our #2 men boasted of their elevation on Facebook! What ever happened to following the Book Of Corleone: "Never tell anyone outside the family what you're thinking!"
Ayatollah Howmennee: Tell that to your Twitter following, you simpering jackal!
Sheik Yerbouti: Who would you propose to take the Blessed Martyr's place, yourself?
Ayatollah Howmennee: I myself am unworthy, but I do nominate the eminent and bloodthirsty Ali Ali Oxenfrei, who so bravely organized the tribal warlords to resist the American military in Afghanistan. He is a man among men!
Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: That's exactly the problem with him, he's got more teenaged boyfriends than a Republican Senator!
Sultan Peppah: You're point being?
Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: Allah preserve us! If 3 veiled homely wives were good enough for Martyr Osama, I say we don't elect this drooling chicken hawk to lead us. What are we, The Village People all of a sudden?
Ayatollah Howmennee: So, you would reject centuries of established custom just because you prefer the bed of a woman? You're no better than those infidel Tea Party buffoons who would deny gay marriage in the Great Satan!
Sheik Yerbouti: Gentlemen, gentleman, we are getting off topic here! We have come here to choose a new leader of the fight to crush the Western dogs and spread Islam to every corner of the earth.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Even Vegas? Get real, Yerbouti, there has to be some pockets of decadent idolatry and fornication left for us to condemn, otherwise our whole reason for living would cease to exist! If you recall our last meeting, there was some unfinished business of exactly who gets to govern Las Vegas once we take over, and I graciously volunteered for this unpleasant task.
Sheik Yerbouti: Good point, Howmennee. And yes, I suppose you can have the honor of presiding over that den of sinful fornicators and condemning them to your heart's content.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Of course one would have to extensively sample these deviant pleasures in oder to speak authoritatively on such matters...
Sheik Yerbouti: Alright already, Howmennee, we got the disturbing mental memo! Enough! If you elect me, the job is all yours.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Then I support you completely. I will be leaving soon to do some undercover research in order to prepare the way....
Sultan Peppah: Not so fast, curry breath! What about Caliph Hamman Aigz? He is a loyal Muslim and an experienced fighter!
Sheik Yerbouti: Hamman Aigz? Even we are not so dimwitted to follow a man with such a name! Our pubic relations have taken a severe enough beating already this week! Have any of you seen the latest polls? We are held in lower esteem than even Shotgun Dick Cheney!
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Hold off on the vote a sec, willya, I must visit the lavatory. This rancid Pakistani lamb kebab is going through me like an express camel caravan through the Sahara!
Sheik Yerbouti: Okay, fine, Dadyeh, but make it fast, you never know when one of those robot Predator Hawks will pick up our trail. We will take a 5 minute break for refreshments.
Mullah Yaba Dabadu: What is that infernal whistling sound? Okay, who left the tea kettle boiling?
(Editor's note: At this point there was a loud boom on our tape, then a brief silence, but luckily the microphone withstood whatever caused it.)
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Okay, I'm back. Did I miss anyth.... What the fuck! Alrighty then, let us duly record this day that I, Imam Hoozyah Dadyeh of Weirdistan, will henceforth and forever be the undisputed and Supreme Leader of Al Qaeda. Are their any objections?
The Assembled Al Qaeda Leadership Council:
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Then it is unanimous. Meeting adjourned, Death to America. Taxi!
April 24, 2011
SAMMY SCIENCE GIVES IT ANOTHER TRY: A SCIENCE Q&A
Sammy Science here, after a long absence from these pages. No, I haven't been ill or on any sort of sabbatical, just tired of the lack of scientific acumen of the readers of bobcrespo.com. This is supposed to be a Science Q&A, not a forum for science-bashing, religious preaching or wacky theories. Let's see what science topics we can discuss today, shall we?
Dear Sammy Science: What's the story with those Chinese cows that produce human breast milk? Can I get one? -Nadya from California
Dear Nadya from California: So far all we know is that a claim hads been made that through genetic manipulation, cows can produce milk with the same nutrients present in human breast milk. Until scientific papers are published and proof presented, all we have so far is the claim of success. There have been many exciting development in genetic research on animals involving the regeneration of body parts and organs. As far as you being able to get your own cow, doubtful. Chinese food products haven't had the most stellar record when it comes to not poisoning consumers, and the USDA tends to frown on that sort of thing.
Dear Sammy Science: Is there a scientific definition of love? It is, after all, a very real phenomenon.- Jack Enjill
Dear Jack Enjill: Interesting question. While science has traditionally shied away from the exploration of love, in recent years studies of human emotions have been undertaken, mostly involving the chemical processing of information by the substances and synapses in our brains, using neuro-imaging and other scientific tools. One school of thought is that love is a survival mechanism no different from aggression or territoriality, with nurturing and sexual attraction having developed in the higher species to ensure the survival of generations. Complex animals produce a limited number of offspring as opposed to, say, fish or insects, which produce millions of eggs and offspring who are pretty much on their own from birth, so emotional attachments evolved as a necessary survival tool. No one who has felt love's overwhelmingly compelling power can argue that love is voluntary. None of this, however, explains why some people love, art, vintage cars, stamp collecting or baseball, which have nothing at all to so with the survival of individuals or species. So far scientists are no closer than poets and philosophers to defining love, and to my mind that's a good thing. Who would want a dry scientific explanation of something as cool as love?
Dear Sammy Science: How can you subscribe to the Theory of Evolution? The Bible plainly tells us that God created everything in Seven Days, 6,000 years ago just as it is today. Show me proof! I'll come down to your laboratory with an open mind if you've got the goods. Consider your self challenged, science man! - Reverend Jimmy Crackcorn
Dear Reverend Jimmy Crackcorn: Oh geez.... and this was going so well today.... well, Reverend, all the proof you need for evolution is in your mirror. What you see is a dead end, with a mind no more open than a clam in defensive posture. I'm sure there's nothing I can show you that will convince you of the truth, but you know what? That doesn't matter, since there are enough people who do embrace the sciences for progress and understanding to continue flourishing without you.
Dear Sammy Science: Not so fast, heathen! All the growing we need to do is the grow our understanding of God's word. - Reverend Jimmy Crackcorn
Dear Reverend Jimmy Crackcorn: Yeah, anything you say, Rev... Hey quick, look over there! There's an abortionist and a transvestite union leader on your front lawn! They've come for your daughters! (That ought to keep the Reverend busy while we get back to science.)
Dear Sammy Science: What are you science guys gonna get around to inventing transporters and warp drive like they have in Star Trek? Or how about curing cancer? - Jimmy The Geek
Dear Jimmy The Geek: Well, Jimmy, we already have computers and communications devices every bit as sophisticated as Captain Kirk's, plus a worldwide information network, so it's not like science is standing still here. As far as beaming people aboard and breaking the speed limit of the light barrier imposed by the laws of physics, don't hold you breath. We can't cure a cold, but medical science is curing more and more cancer patients every year. Scientific progress is measured in decades, not months.
Dear Sammy Science: How about at least providing a computer to each child like some charity planned? - Jimmy The Geek
Dear Jimmy The Geek: Don't forget, Jimmy, that half the population of the world still lives exactly as they did 150 years ago, and a quarter of the planet's inhabitants have never spoken on a telephone, so let's not pretend we're living in a completely modern world. Hard as it is to imagine for an American kid, not every child has access to electricity, TV or communications devices of any sort. Many cannot read or operate even the simpler electronic devices, and their plight is more social, educational and political problems than a purely scientific one, since they as smart as anyone else, just left out of the technology loop. Unfortunately for the world, they all seem to get the hang of an AK-47 pretty quick.
Dear Sammy Science: I have felt a great rift in The Force recently, a painful fissure. Can you explain that? - Eddie Fissure
Dear Eddie Fissure: Either you have me confused with a Trekkie, or a proctologist to examine that painful fissure you sit on. Can we keep the questions scientific here, people?
Dear Sammy Science: Is it true that with the recent nuclear disaster in northern Japan and the subsequent radioactive waste being pumped into the Pacific ocean, that sea life rapidly mutating into monstrous forms? - Kay Lastima
Dear Kay Lastima: If you mean transformed into dead marine life, yes. If you're referring to highly dangerous levels of radiation in the surviving species that make up a big part of humanity's food supply, yes. If your talking Godzilla here, well, there's not a whole lot we have to discuss, is there?
Dear Sammy Science: I know I science question, I know I science question! Pick me pick me pick meeee! - Kenny Bunkport
Dear Kenny Bunkport: I know I may regret this, but go ahead, Kenny. What is your science question?
Dear Sammy Science: Okay then, Sammy Science! In Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity, what is the equation for calculating the degree to which gravity bends light? - Kenny Bunkportz
Dear Kenny Bunkport: Thank you, Kenny! Sorry I doubted you. Here is is: g = 1 / Ö [1 - (v/c)2]. Okay, now we're getting back to my living room. Who's next?
Dear Sammy Science: In a fight, who would win - Superman or Satan? - Van Erielle
Dear Van Erielle: Why do I do this to myself? I know I should have quit with Kenny Bunkport! This is just sick on too many levels. Okay, Van, I'm going with Superman on this one, if only for his having fewer serious issues than Satan. Well folks, on this low note, Sammy Science is out of here!
Dear Sammy Science: What's the story with those Chinese cows that produce human breast milk? Can I get one? -Nadya from California
Dear Nadya from California: So far all we know is that a claim hads been made that through genetic manipulation, cows can produce milk with the same nutrients present in human breast milk. Until scientific papers are published and proof presented, all we have so far is the claim of success. There have been many exciting development in genetic research on animals involving the regeneration of body parts and organs. As far as you being able to get your own cow, doubtful. Chinese food products haven't had the most stellar record when it comes to not poisoning consumers, and the USDA tends to frown on that sort of thing.
Dear Sammy Science: Is there a scientific definition of love? It is, after all, a very real phenomenon.- Jack Enjill
Dear Jack Enjill: Interesting question. While science has traditionally shied away from the exploration of love, in recent years studies of human emotions have been undertaken, mostly involving the chemical processing of information by the substances and synapses in our brains, using neuro-imaging and other scientific tools. One school of thought is that love is a survival mechanism no different from aggression or territoriality, with nurturing and sexual attraction having developed in the higher species to ensure the survival of generations. Complex animals produce a limited number of offspring as opposed to, say, fish or insects, which produce millions of eggs and offspring who are pretty much on their own from birth, so emotional attachments evolved as a necessary survival tool. No one who has felt love's overwhelmingly compelling power can argue that love is voluntary. None of this, however, explains why some people love, art, vintage cars, stamp collecting or baseball, which have nothing at all to so with the survival of individuals or species. So far scientists are no closer than poets and philosophers to defining love, and to my mind that's a good thing. Who would want a dry scientific explanation of something as cool as love?
Dear Sammy Science: How can you subscribe to the Theory of Evolution? The Bible plainly tells us that God created everything in Seven Days, 6,000 years ago just as it is today. Show me proof! I'll come down to your laboratory with an open mind if you've got the goods. Consider your self challenged, science man! - Reverend Jimmy Crackcorn
Dear Reverend Jimmy Crackcorn: Oh geez.... and this was going so well today.... well, Reverend, all the proof you need for evolution is in your mirror. What you see is a dead end, with a mind no more open than a clam in defensive posture. I'm sure there's nothing I can show you that will convince you of the truth, but you know what? That doesn't matter, since there are enough people who do embrace the sciences for progress and understanding to continue flourishing without you.
Dear Sammy Science: Not so fast, heathen! All the growing we need to do is the grow our understanding of God's word. - Reverend Jimmy Crackcorn
Dear Reverend Jimmy Crackcorn: Yeah, anything you say, Rev... Hey quick, look over there! There's an abortionist and a transvestite union leader on your front lawn! They've come for your daughters! (That ought to keep the Reverend busy while we get back to science.)
Dear Sammy Science: What are you science guys gonna get around to inventing transporters and warp drive like they have in Star Trek? Or how about curing cancer? - Jimmy The Geek
Dear Jimmy The Geek: Well, Jimmy, we already have computers and communications devices every bit as sophisticated as Captain Kirk's, plus a worldwide information network, so it's not like science is standing still here. As far as beaming people aboard and breaking the speed limit of the light barrier imposed by the laws of physics, don't hold you breath. We can't cure a cold, but medical science is curing more and more cancer patients every year. Scientific progress is measured in decades, not months.
Dear Sammy Science: How about at least providing a computer to each child like some charity planned? - Jimmy The Geek
Dear Jimmy The Geek: Don't forget, Jimmy, that half the population of the world still lives exactly as they did 150 years ago, and a quarter of the planet's inhabitants have never spoken on a telephone, so let's not pretend we're living in a completely modern world. Hard as it is to imagine for an American kid, not every child has access to electricity, TV or communications devices of any sort. Many cannot read or operate even the simpler electronic devices, and their plight is more social, educational and political problems than a purely scientific one, since they as smart as anyone else, just left out of the technology loop. Unfortunately for the world, they all seem to get the hang of an AK-47 pretty quick.
Dear Sammy Science: I have felt a great rift in The Force recently, a painful fissure. Can you explain that? - Eddie Fissure
Dear Eddie Fissure: Either you have me confused with a Trekkie, or a proctologist to examine that painful fissure you sit on. Can we keep the questions scientific here, people?
Dear Sammy Science: Is it true that with the recent nuclear disaster in northern Japan and the subsequent radioactive waste being pumped into the Pacific ocean, that sea life rapidly mutating into monstrous forms? - Kay Lastima
Dear Kay Lastima: If you mean transformed into dead marine life, yes. If you're referring to highly dangerous levels of radiation in the surviving species that make up a big part of humanity's food supply, yes. If your talking Godzilla here, well, there's not a whole lot we have to discuss, is there?
Dear Sammy Science: I know I science question, I know I science question! Pick me pick me pick meeee! - Kenny Bunkport
Dear Kenny Bunkport: I know I may regret this, but go ahead, Kenny. What is your science question?
Dear Sammy Science: Okay then, Sammy Science! In Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity, what is the equation for calculating the degree to which gravity bends light? - Kenny Bunkportz
Dear Kenny Bunkport: Thank you, Kenny! Sorry I doubted you. Here is is: g = 1 / Ö [1 - (v/c)2]. Okay, now we're getting back to my living room. Who's next?
Dear Sammy Science: In a fight, who would win - Superman or Satan? - Van Erielle
Dear Van Erielle: Why do I do this to myself? I know I should have quit with Kenny Bunkport! This is just sick on too many levels. Okay, Van, I'm going with Superman on this one, if only for his having fewer serious issues than Satan. Well folks, on this low note, Sammy Science is out of here!
April 10, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 779
People without any of the usual human vices often make up for it by appointing themselves judge and jury over yours, creating a whole new category of annoying, so it works out pretty evenly.
THINGS WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN COMING, BUT DIDN'T
Sometimes things happen that take us by complete surprise, but shouldn't have:
The Jersey Shore: When the runaway entertainment sensation of the year is a celebration of vulgarity, casual cruelty and blissful ignorance, we have reached a crossroads: do we pursue the crass and talent-free, or try to get back on the high road? When we started down this road of lowest common denominator television, so-called Reality Programming (created only so producers wouldn't have to "waste" money on expensive acting talent and gifted writers and directors), it was only a matter of time before our children assumed that crude stupidity is a viable, desirable option.
The Tea Party: When 10 second sound bites replaced reading, thinking, paying attention to informed debates on important issues and forming our political opinions accordingly, did it not follow that the dumbest and most mentally lazy among us would consider themselves modern Thomas Jeffersons? Get used to inarticulate anger masquerading as policy. Lewis Carroll would be proud of the these Mad Hatters and their schizoid tea party.
Extreme Christianity: Taking a cue from unschooled Muslim rabble rousers, America's fastest growing religion is not a religion at all, but a political movement that completely refutes the message of Jesus Christ, putting words in his mouth that he never said and fusing them with half baked jingoist political ideas, thus creating a hybrid creed called Hatriotism. (See "Tea Party," above.)
The Financial Meltdown if 2008: Once CEOs discarded the old rule of thumb that they earn 20 to 30 times what their average workers earned and decided they were worth 400 times their average employees' salaries while demanding huge bonuses and Golden Parachute clauses paying them a kings ransom whether they ran their companies well or straight into the ground, as sure as day follows night the focus came off producing high-quality products and services and on to stealing as much money as humanly possible by any means at their disposal. When their crimes dragged the entire world's economy into the toilet, their wealth increased as everyone else's decreased.
High Fructose Corn Syrup: That super sweet concoction knows as "sugar's sugar" has found its way into thousands and thousands of processed food products, even salad dressings, sending medical science searching for a stronger term than "obese" to describe the phenomenon of the fattening up of America. Hence the term "morbidly obese." Thanks, Giant Agribusiness! You have succeeded where mere farmers have failed, what with their antiquated obsession with producing nutritious, wholesome food.
Hessians: With America's descent from a Republic to a world-straddling Empire, our all-volunteer army had proved inadequate to the task of conquering the entire world, prompting the Pentagon to hire high-priced mercenaries to flesh out the ranks of our military might. Professional soldiers from many different nations whose only loyalty is to the highest bidder, they are cynically called "contractors" and are subject to no law; domestic, military, foreign or international. They have proved themselves invaluable for spreading terror among occupied nations with wanton murder sprees and routine violations of the Geneva Convention. There are some jobs deemed too low for even the CIA (hard as that is to comprehend given their track record). Enter the private contractors, who come in very handy for performing their "super-dirty work," ensuring the CIA's inclusion in the critical striking-numb-helpless-fear-into-hearts department and cementing their place in history alongside the legendary Gestapo, KGB and NKVD. Thank you, Hessians!
The Jersey Shore: When the runaway entertainment sensation of the year is a celebration of vulgarity, casual cruelty and blissful ignorance, we have reached a crossroads: do we pursue the crass and talent-free, or try to get back on the high road? When we started down this road of lowest common denominator television, so-called Reality Programming (created only so producers wouldn't have to "waste" money on expensive acting talent and gifted writers and directors), it was only a matter of time before our children assumed that crude stupidity is a viable, desirable option.
The Tea Party: When 10 second sound bites replaced reading, thinking, paying attention to informed debates on important issues and forming our political opinions accordingly, did it not follow that the dumbest and most mentally lazy among us would consider themselves modern Thomas Jeffersons? Get used to inarticulate anger masquerading as policy. Lewis Carroll would be proud of the these Mad Hatters and their schizoid tea party.
Extreme Christianity: Taking a cue from unschooled Muslim rabble rousers, America's fastest growing religion is not a religion at all, but a political movement that completely refutes the message of Jesus Christ, putting words in his mouth that he never said and fusing them with half baked jingoist political ideas, thus creating a hybrid creed called Hatriotism. (See "Tea Party," above.)
The Financial Meltdown if 2008: Once CEOs discarded the old rule of thumb that they earn 20 to 30 times what their average workers earned and decided they were worth 400 times their average employees' salaries while demanding huge bonuses and Golden Parachute clauses paying them a kings ransom whether they ran their companies well or straight into the ground, as sure as day follows night the focus came off producing high-quality products and services and on to stealing as much money as humanly possible by any means at their disposal. When their crimes dragged the entire world's economy into the toilet, their wealth increased as everyone else's decreased.
High Fructose Corn Syrup: That super sweet concoction knows as "sugar's sugar" has found its way into thousands and thousands of processed food products, even salad dressings, sending medical science searching for a stronger term than "obese" to describe the phenomenon of the fattening up of America. Hence the term "morbidly obese." Thanks, Giant Agribusiness! You have succeeded where mere farmers have failed, what with their antiquated obsession with producing nutritious, wholesome food.
Hessians: With America's descent from a Republic to a world-straddling Empire, our all-volunteer army had proved inadequate to the task of conquering the entire world, prompting the Pentagon to hire high-priced mercenaries to flesh out the ranks of our military might. Professional soldiers from many different nations whose only loyalty is to the highest bidder, they are cynically called "contractors" and are subject to no law; domestic, military, foreign or international. They have proved themselves invaluable for spreading terror among occupied nations with wanton murder sprees and routine violations of the Geneva Convention. There are some jobs deemed too low for even the CIA (hard as that is to comprehend given their track record). Enter the private contractors, who come in very handy for performing their "super-dirty work," ensuring the CIA's inclusion in the critical striking-numb-helpless-fear-into-hearts department and cementing their place in history alongside the legendary Gestapo, KGB and NKVD. Thank you, Hessians!
April 2, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 778
The level-headed and cautious may survive history, but the bold and unconventional make history.
DOPOTO REPORTS: IT'S 2011, AND PASSAGE IS BEING BOOKED IN THE HAND BASKET TO HELL
The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO) has been working overtime to absorb the global chaos that has thus far marked the year 2011. Researchers, senior analysts and interns alike have been barraged by reports of the odd, the unsettling, the surprising and the utterly catastrophic. Our earnest efforts to fulfill our only function (pointing out the obvious!) has been a remarkable challenge so far this year.
For example, recent events in Japan started out as straightforward observations of the twin natural disasters of a major earthquake and a tsunami striking northern Japan, but those two events were quickly relegated to be relatively minor issues compared to the simultaneous failures of 3 out of 6 nuclear reactors located in the area.
While most observers have reported this unprecedented tragedy as strictly a Japanese problem, the discovery of trace elements of radiation from those reactors in milk produced by cows in Washington State and dangerous levels of radiation in the Pacific Ocean fisheries that feed many nations have identified the Japanese meltdowns as a global problem. Mainstream media outlets have been slow to recognize this 800 pound gorilla in the room.
Similarly, the widespread outbreak of popular revolutions in the Middle East and Northern Africa has riveted the world's attention once again to the most politically volatile region on earth, all the while ignoring the West's complicity in the deplorable conditions leading up to these events. European Colonialism, followed immediately by International Corporate Colonialism, has stoked the coals of resentment in a thousand dusty, impoverished towns for centuries.
When those coals burst into the flames of Islamic fundamentalist jihad against Western interests in the past 25 years, the blame was placed on people (!) worshipping the wrong God, ignoring the obvious results of artificially mandated national borders, foreign and corporate interference in governments and the complete disenfranchisement of citizens within their own nations. Widespread poverty, disease and illiteracy in "oil rich" nations created conditions that had nowhere to go but downhill fast.
In belated acknowledgment of all this, NATO forces have been bombing Libyan dictator Muammar Qadaffi's armed forces to prevent them from killing his own citizens who had risen in revolt against his 40-year reign, during which time Qadaffi has been a sponsor of state terror and a looter of his own nation's treasury, amassing 140 tons of pure gold with which to pay his "security forces," well-paid mercenaries loyal only to their paymaster.
Also during that time, international oil companies have reaped billions in profits from Libyan petroleum, paying a king's ransom to Qadaffi to maintain the status quo of misery in Libya. The oil companies even chipped in to pay his $1.5 billion settlement with the relatives of Qafaffi's victims of the Lockerbie jet bombing over Scotland, a savage incident of state-sponsored terror that outraged the entire world. And this was after they looked the other way when Qafaffi bombed a disco in Germany that killed American servicemen, an act that prompted President Reagan to retaliate by bombing Tripoli.
Qadaffi is not an anomaly, but typical of the leaders of these nations; greedy and power mad dictators and kings propped up by Western military might on behalf of Western business interests at the direct expense of millions of people's lives. Those expecting that the Western nations' belated verbal and military support of these nations' human rights and popular revolutions will result in these new governments continuing the old relationships in the old way are bound to be sorely disappointed (especially since only those nations sitting atop a sea of oil qualify for military intervention while the poorer countries benefit only from our leaders bestowing them their most earnest "atta boys" and "'way to gos!" to help them overthrow their respective bloodthirsty tyrants).
Another lesson lost on many people concerning the interdependence of all nations is the murder spree being conducted by Mexican drug cartels, an actual shooting war against the Mexican government and innocent bystanders by criminal gangs determined to win their share of the billions to be made by selling illegal drugs to American citizens.
The United States could end this war tomorrow by legalizing these drugs, but powerful interests stand in the way of ending this Prohibition: most prominently the DEA and other elements of a gargantuan drug-fighting law enforcement infrastructure, and the huge growth industry that the American penal system has become.
The unceasing demand for recreational drugs by American consumers has proven the futility of the War on Drugs, just as alcohol prohibition had failed 80 years prior, succeeding only in creating a wealthy class of murderous organized criminals. Yesterday's bootleggers founded vast fortunes supplying the nation with booze, and there's even more money to be made today on products made from weeds and wild plants.
With over 2,000,000 American citizens in prison, half of them POWs in the Was on Drugs, and a neighboring nation being corrupted and destroyed by the habits of our consenting adults, almost no one considers implementing the only logical step: ending this futile prohibition and taxing and regulating the sales of drugs that are selling like hot cakes anyway, legal or not, just like we do with the most deadly drug known to man, alcohol.
Normal commerce, better relations with our neighboring nations, and a welcome shot in the arm to our treasury are what we have to gain. What do we have to lose? Half our prisons, for one, and the pervasive sense of hypocrisy that surrounds this issue. It's getting harder and harder to see the forest for the trees. We deny that nuclear meltdowns in foreign countries affect anyone beyond their borders, support the revolutions of those we once helped to oppress and allow a good neighbor to drown in the excesses of our citizens. Pointing out the obvious is a thankless business, but we here at DOPOTO feel obligated to point out the painfully obvious (our spcialty!); that we are all in this world together and hurt one another at our collective peril.
This was a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious.
For example, recent events in Japan started out as straightforward observations of the twin natural disasters of a major earthquake and a tsunami striking northern Japan, but those two events were quickly relegated to be relatively minor issues compared to the simultaneous failures of 3 out of 6 nuclear reactors located in the area.
While most observers have reported this unprecedented tragedy as strictly a Japanese problem, the discovery of trace elements of radiation from those reactors in milk produced by cows in Washington State and dangerous levels of radiation in the Pacific Ocean fisheries that feed many nations have identified the Japanese meltdowns as a global problem. Mainstream media outlets have been slow to recognize this 800 pound gorilla in the room.
Similarly, the widespread outbreak of popular revolutions in the Middle East and Northern Africa has riveted the world's attention once again to the most politically volatile region on earth, all the while ignoring the West's complicity in the deplorable conditions leading up to these events. European Colonialism, followed immediately by International Corporate Colonialism, has stoked the coals of resentment in a thousand dusty, impoverished towns for centuries.
When those coals burst into the flames of Islamic fundamentalist jihad against Western interests in the past 25 years, the blame was placed on people (!) worshipping the wrong God, ignoring the obvious results of artificially mandated national borders, foreign and corporate interference in governments and the complete disenfranchisement of citizens within their own nations. Widespread poverty, disease and illiteracy in "oil rich" nations created conditions that had nowhere to go but downhill fast.
In belated acknowledgment of all this, NATO forces have been bombing Libyan dictator Muammar Qadaffi's armed forces to prevent them from killing his own citizens who had risen in revolt against his 40-year reign, during which time Qadaffi has been a sponsor of state terror and a looter of his own nation's treasury, amassing 140 tons of pure gold with which to pay his "security forces," well-paid mercenaries loyal only to their paymaster.
Also during that time, international oil companies have reaped billions in profits from Libyan petroleum, paying a king's ransom to Qadaffi to maintain the status quo of misery in Libya. The oil companies even chipped in to pay his $1.5 billion settlement with the relatives of Qafaffi's victims of the Lockerbie jet bombing over Scotland, a savage incident of state-sponsored terror that outraged the entire world. And this was after they looked the other way when Qafaffi bombed a disco in Germany that killed American servicemen, an act that prompted President Reagan to retaliate by bombing Tripoli.
Qadaffi is not an anomaly, but typical of the leaders of these nations; greedy and power mad dictators and kings propped up by Western military might on behalf of Western business interests at the direct expense of millions of people's lives. Those expecting that the Western nations' belated verbal and military support of these nations' human rights and popular revolutions will result in these new governments continuing the old relationships in the old way are bound to be sorely disappointed (especially since only those nations sitting atop a sea of oil qualify for military intervention while the poorer countries benefit only from our leaders bestowing them their most earnest "atta boys" and "'way to gos!" to help them overthrow their respective bloodthirsty tyrants).
Another lesson lost on many people concerning the interdependence of all nations is the murder spree being conducted by Mexican drug cartels, an actual shooting war against the Mexican government and innocent bystanders by criminal gangs determined to win their share of the billions to be made by selling illegal drugs to American citizens.
The United States could end this war tomorrow by legalizing these drugs, but powerful interests stand in the way of ending this Prohibition: most prominently the DEA and other elements of a gargantuan drug-fighting law enforcement infrastructure, and the huge growth industry that the American penal system has become.
The unceasing demand for recreational drugs by American consumers has proven the futility of the War on Drugs, just as alcohol prohibition had failed 80 years prior, succeeding only in creating a wealthy class of murderous organized criminals. Yesterday's bootleggers founded vast fortunes supplying the nation with booze, and there's even more money to be made today on products made from weeds and wild plants.
With over 2,000,000 American citizens in prison, half of them POWs in the Was on Drugs, and a neighboring nation being corrupted and destroyed by the habits of our consenting adults, almost no one considers implementing the only logical step: ending this futile prohibition and taxing and regulating the sales of drugs that are selling like hot cakes anyway, legal or not, just like we do with the most deadly drug known to man, alcohol.
Normal commerce, better relations with our neighboring nations, and a welcome shot in the arm to our treasury are what we have to gain. What do we have to lose? Half our prisons, for one, and the pervasive sense of hypocrisy that surrounds this issue. It's getting harder and harder to see the forest for the trees. We deny that nuclear meltdowns in foreign countries affect anyone beyond their borders, support the revolutions of those we once helped to oppress and allow a good neighbor to drown in the excesses of our citizens. Pointing out the obvious is a thankless business, but we here at DOPOTO feel obligated to point out the painfully obvious (our spcialty!); that we are all in this world together and hurt one another at our collective peril.
This was a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious.
April 1, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 777
If you have something to say, be as clear and direct as you can. Being ambiguous is for poets, drunks and politicians.
THE ANSWER MAN IS HERE FOR YOU!
It's that time again, Ladies and Gents! The Answer Man is back, and he's here for you. You ask a question, Answer man answers it! What could be simpler? Remember, you must ask a question or I cannot help you. Lets see what's in the Inbox, shall we?
Dear Answer Man: You're a bit of a horse's ass, aren't you? - Heywood Djablomi
Dear Heywood Djablomi: Yes, yes I am, but at least my name isn't Heywood Djablomi! Next!
Dear Answer Man: What's the difference between genius and stupidity? - Al Dante
Dear Al Dante: Genius has its limits. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is it true that you can't teach an old dog new tricks? -Freida Peebles
Dear Freida Peebles: Not true at all, Freida! Food and sleep deprivation combined with a cattle prod are marvelous motivational tools, even for old dogs who are "set in their ways." Next!
Dear Answer Man: That's just sick! -Freida Peebles
Dear Freida Peebles: I'm sorry Freida, but you didn't put this in the form of question so The Answer Man can't help you. Next!
Dear Answer Man: How can you give that lady such unethical advice? - Ben Dover
Dear Ben Dover: I'm sorry, but did you see anything about ethics or advice in Ms. Peebles' question? I sure didn't. She merely asked if it was possible and I informed her that indeed it was. What she does with that information is her business. Next!
Dear Answer Man: What's the best sport of these 3: curling, golf or bowling? - Joe Sports.
Dear Joe Sports: You can't fool The Answer Man with trick questions, Joe! None of these are sports, but games. Anything that can be mastered by out-of-shape fat guys cannot be considered a sport. Might as well call Poker a sport too if you think those qualify. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Does everyone really love Raymond? - Bud Leicht
Dear Bud Leicht: Definitely not. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Where do birds go during the winter? - Harry Lewis
Dear Harry Lewis: Boca. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is Glen Beck right about President Obama being the Nazi Antichrist who has been sent to destroy the earth? - Howie Doone
Dear Howie Doone: The next time Glen Beck is right about anything at all will be the first time, so the answer is no. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Can Donald Trump really become president? - Ophelia Mound
Dear Ophelia Mound: President of what? He's already president of The Trump Organization. Next!
Dear Answer Man: I meant the United States! - Ophelia Mound
Dear Ophelia Mound: Sorry, Ophelia, but there's no question here. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Yo, my man, I think she was asking if Donald Trump can ever be the President of The Untied States. -Lyle Eikarug
Dear Lyle Eikarug: Then why didn't she just say so? Trump for President of the USA... geez! Where do you people get this stuff? Next!
Dear Answer Man: What causes the Aurora Borealis? I think it is beautiful, like nature's own magic light show. - Jack Hoff
Dear Jack Hoff: Beautiful it certainly is, Jack Hoff, but not magic. Here's what causes it: Massive amounts of electrons are emitted from the Sun and carried on the solar wind. The aurora is produced when these electrons, attracted by the magnetism at the Earth's poles, slams into the atmosphere. When the electrons collide with the oxygen and nitrogen atoms, the atoms are ionized, and this ionization causes the atoms to become excited and emit photons of light. Different auroral colors are produced depending on the kind of atom involved with the collision. Oxygen generally produces shades of colors ranging from green to brown, and nitrogen produces shades of red or blue. Auroras are more often seen during the intense phase of the Sun's cycles. These increase the solar winds that are responsible for the creation of the auroras. (And you people thought I only go for the low hanging fruit! Hey, The Answer Man is only as good as your questions.) Next!
Dear Answer Man: What is the one true religion? - Benedict from Rome
Dear Benedict from Rome: According to their creeds, that would be all of them. Next!
Dear Answer Man: That's no answer! How can you say that? - Benedict from Rome
Dear Benedict from Rome: That's why they're called faiths and not facts, Benny. Enjoy yours and be happy. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Why do guys like bankers and CEO's of giant corporations steal when they're already really really rich? - Bill Melaighter
Dear Bill Melaighter: Because they really really can and we really really let them. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is nuclear power really as dangerous as everyone is saying it is lately? - Cashen Carey
Dear Cashen Carey: When a country gets hit by a giant earthquake and a monstrous tsunami on the same day and finds out that those were the least of their problems, you have to check the ☑YES box on this one. Next!
Dear Answer Man: What can I do to get people to notice me? - Walt Flowers
Dear Walt Flowers: I'm sorry, were you saying something? I wasn't paying attention. Must be time for me to go. The Answer Man is outta here!
Dear Answer Man: You're a bit of a horse's ass, aren't you? - Heywood Djablomi
Dear Heywood Djablomi: Yes, yes I am, but at least my name isn't Heywood Djablomi! Next!
Dear Answer Man: What's the difference between genius and stupidity? - Al Dante
Dear Al Dante: Genius has its limits. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is it true that you can't teach an old dog new tricks? -Freida Peebles
Dear Freida Peebles: Not true at all, Freida! Food and sleep deprivation combined with a cattle prod are marvelous motivational tools, even for old dogs who are "set in their ways." Next!
Dear Answer Man: That's just sick! -Freida Peebles
Dear Freida Peebles: I'm sorry Freida, but you didn't put this in the form of question so The Answer Man can't help you. Next!
Dear Answer Man: How can you give that lady such unethical advice? - Ben Dover
Dear Ben Dover: I'm sorry, but did you see anything about ethics or advice in Ms. Peebles' question? I sure didn't. She merely asked if it was possible and I informed her that indeed it was. What she does with that information is her business. Next!
Dear Answer Man: What's the best sport of these 3: curling, golf or bowling? - Joe Sports.
Dear Joe Sports: You can't fool The Answer Man with trick questions, Joe! None of these are sports, but games. Anything that can be mastered by out-of-shape fat guys cannot be considered a sport. Might as well call Poker a sport too if you think those qualify. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Does everyone really love Raymond? - Bud Leicht
Dear Bud Leicht: Definitely not. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Where do birds go during the winter? - Harry Lewis
Dear Harry Lewis: Boca. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is Glen Beck right about President Obama being the Nazi Antichrist who has been sent to destroy the earth? - Howie Doone
Dear Howie Doone: The next time Glen Beck is right about anything at all will be the first time, so the answer is no. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Can Donald Trump really become president? - Ophelia Mound
Dear Ophelia Mound: President of what? He's already president of The Trump Organization. Next!
Dear Answer Man: I meant the United States! - Ophelia Mound
Dear Ophelia Mound: Sorry, Ophelia, but there's no question here. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Yo, my man, I think she was asking if Donald Trump can ever be the President of The Untied States. -Lyle Eikarug
Dear Lyle Eikarug: Then why didn't she just say so? Trump for President of the USA... geez! Where do you people get this stuff? Next!
Dear Answer Man: What causes the Aurora Borealis? I think it is beautiful, like nature's own magic light show. - Jack Hoff
Dear Jack Hoff: Beautiful it certainly is, Jack Hoff, but not magic. Here's what causes it: Massive amounts of electrons are emitted from the Sun and carried on the solar wind. The aurora is produced when these electrons, attracted by the magnetism at the Earth's poles, slams into the atmosphere. When the electrons collide with the oxygen and nitrogen atoms, the atoms are ionized, and this ionization causes the atoms to become excited and emit photons of light. Different auroral colors are produced depending on the kind of atom involved with the collision. Oxygen generally produces shades of colors ranging from green to brown, and nitrogen produces shades of red or blue. Auroras are more often seen during the intense phase of the Sun's cycles. These increase the solar winds that are responsible for the creation of the auroras. (And you people thought I only go for the low hanging fruit! Hey, The Answer Man is only as good as your questions.) Next!
Dear Answer Man: What is the one true religion? - Benedict from Rome
Dear Benedict from Rome: According to their creeds, that would be all of them. Next!
Dear Answer Man: That's no answer! How can you say that? - Benedict from Rome
Dear Benedict from Rome: That's why they're called faiths and not facts, Benny. Enjoy yours and be happy. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Why do guys like bankers and CEO's of giant corporations steal when they're already really really rich? - Bill Melaighter
Dear Bill Melaighter: Because they really really can and we really really let them. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is nuclear power really as dangerous as everyone is saying it is lately? - Cashen Carey
Dear Cashen Carey: When a country gets hit by a giant earthquake and a monstrous tsunami on the same day and finds out that those were the least of their problems, you have to check the ☑YES box on this one. Next!
Dear Answer Man: What can I do to get people to notice me? - Walt Flowers
Dear Walt Flowers: I'm sorry, were you saying something? I wasn't paying attention. Must be time for me to go. The Answer Man is outta here!
March 17, 2011
BOB CRESPO PLAYING LIVE THIS FRIDAY, MARCH 18!
I’LL BE PLAYING WITH MY OLD BROTHERS IN ARMS, THE TASH BROTHERS BAND, THIS FRIDAY, MARCH 18th , IN BAYONNE, (30 MINUTES FROM BROOKLYN) TO REMEMBER OUR BASSIST HUGHIE BOYLE, TAKEN FROM ROCK&ROLL TOO SOON. COME SEE US BURN DOWN THE HOUSE FOR HUGHIE! TASH BROTHERS @10:30 PM
March 5, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 775
Some mornings you wake up to a perfect world. Of course the sensation fades in a flash, but at least for a second, you were there.
THE ANCIENT WISDOM OF CONFUSEUS.
Here at bobcrespo.com we like to offer a forum to lesser-known sources of information. While the world knows much about the famous Chinese philosopher Confucius and his many wise sayings, his younger brother has slipped through history's cracks. His given name was Murray Confucius, but to distinguish himself from his famous big brother he assumed the professional name Confuseus, which, we are told, looks a whole lot different in Chinese in characters than it does in English. His work has long been supressed by Chinese authorities, but thanks to our friends at Wickedleak.net, who managed to hack into ancient China's abacus base, we present for the first time in centuries, the Wit and Wisdom of Confuseus, such as it is:
Who can deny; the Poo Poo Platter will face ridicule in the west?
To avoid Mongol hordes, build a wall.
'Tis written in jade; the emperor's least favorite concubines will bicker and pout, and shall dally with slaves.
In the pagoda of life, worship not my know-it-all big brother.
No man is an island, but my big fat brother is getting there!
Take insult to heart. Let shame and rage be your twin guides!
When Mongols go around your wall, build a longer wall.
The wise man of middle means smiles on aristocrats, who are but few. There are poor wretches enough to suffer his wrath, as they are many.
The journey of 1,000 Li is best booked well in advance with a reputable travel agent.
The sages sing; The Forbidden City will one day yield its secrets to Assange.
'Tis etched in ivory; dog is man's best meal.
Few are so wretched that they cannot find another to scorn and injure.
When the crow flies west, empires tremble.
When Mongols invent ladders, build your wall higher.
(This poem will assist in focusing your heart on revenge. Dedicated to my loathed brother:)
Carefully nurtured resentment
Will fester and will grow
And poisons every wicked soul
That wounds and hurts you so!
None can deny, my brother Confucius is a big fat toad!
A deaf ear, a blind eye and a still tongue helps the poor young man become a poor old man.
As the sleeping tiger dreams of vengeance, so must a man choke on his bile.
Truly through the ages will adolescents vex their elders, and be of no worth. The wise parent reminds them of this without relent.
When Mongols take Beijing, bow to your new Emperor.
(Another humble poem to remind the poor to feed their emperor well so he hungers not for more war, taxes or both:)
Let all men rejoice when their leaders live in leisure
and cast not their eyes upon the poor man's treasure.
As day follows night, so must the young man seek poon.
The poor man who has found perfect tranquility is with his ancestors.
Undeniably, having a Year of The Rat in our calendar humiliates Mongol and Chinese alike!
When Mongols rule in Beijing, call your wall a tourist mecca.
Who can deny; the Poo Poo Platter will face ridicule in the west?
To avoid Mongol hordes, build a wall.
'Tis written in jade; the emperor's least favorite concubines will bicker and pout, and shall dally with slaves.
In the pagoda of life, worship not my know-it-all big brother.
No man is an island, but my big fat brother is getting there!
Take insult to heart. Let shame and rage be your twin guides!
When Mongols go around your wall, build a longer wall.
The wise man of middle means smiles on aristocrats, who are but few. There are poor wretches enough to suffer his wrath, as they are many.
The journey of 1,000 Li is best booked well in advance with a reputable travel agent.
The sages sing; The Forbidden City will one day yield its secrets to Assange.
'Tis etched in ivory; dog is man's best meal.
Few are so wretched that they cannot find another to scorn and injure.
When the crow flies west, empires tremble.
When Mongols invent ladders, build your wall higher.
(This poem will assist in focusing your heart on revenge. Dedicated to my loathed brother:)
Carefully nurtured resentment
Will fester and will grow
And poisons every wicked soul
That wounds and hurts you so!
None can deny, my brother Confucius is a big fat toad!
A deaf ear, a blind eye and a still tongue helps the poor young man become a poor old man.
As the sleeping tiger dreams of vengeance, so must a man choke on his bile.
Truly through the ages will adolescents vex their elders, and be of no worth. The wise parent reminds them of this without relent.
When Mongols take Beijing, bow to your new Emperor.
(Another humble poem to remind the poor to feed their emperor well so he hungers not for more war, taxes or both:)
Let all men rejoice when their leaders live in leisure
and cast not their eyes upon the poor man's treasure.
As day follows night, so must the young man seek poon.
The poor man who has found perfect tranquility is with his ancestors.
Undeniably, having a Year of The Rat in our calendar humiliates Mongol and Chinese alike!
When Mongols rule in Beijing, call your wall a tourist mecca.
February 22, 2011
DOPOTO REPORTS: DEMOCRACY TAKING WING. CAN NEW YORK CITY BE FAR BEHIND?
At the Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO), researchers and senior analysts alike have been immersed in the exciting developments in the Middle East. First Tunisians ousted their government, followed swiftly by Egypt, which overthrew 30 years of Hosni Mubarek's oppressive dictatorship in just 18 peaceful days. Now the nations of Bahrain, Iran, Algeria, Libya and Yemen have seen their authoritarian governments rocked by mass demonstrations demanding, of all things, democracy.
Many so-called "experts" and observers in the West have long held the elitist opinion that Arabs and Muslims were "not ready" for democracy, the implication being that they are all tribal nomads with fealty only to their traditional warlords and chieftains. This is a widely held opinion in spite of the fact that during the Middle Ages, North Africa under Islam was the global center of medicine, science, scholarship, architecture, literature, philosophy, tolerance and multiculturalism, while Europe was mired in filth, plague, perpetual warfare, ignorance, fear, superstition, hatred and intolerance.
While the West has gained acendency since those halcyon days for Semitic Culture, during the Middle Ages it was the East that boasted the important centers of learning and scholarship, and the West that was amputating perfectly good limbs with dirty tools, fouling their cities with their own waste and burning their brothers and sisters at the stake for pointing out obvious truths. So let us not claim any intellectual or moral high ground on our Middle Eastern brethren.
The fact that today our societies are more technologically advanced as well as being more workable and equitable to its citizens than Eastern nations is only a recent historical development, a situation that could change in a matter of a few short years. Ask the German or the Japanese people how they squandered centuries of hard work and achievement by following madmen to their nations' near annihilation, their beautiful cities turned in to piles of smoking ruble. No Middle Eastern Nation ever caused the world a fraction of the death and destruction that European and Asian Fascism caused in a dozen insane years only 70 years ago.
The citizens of the Middle East have endued centuries of conquest, hostility, oppression and exploitation at the hands of Western Colonial Powers, with even many of the borders and ethnic makeups of their nations determined by foreign empires. The leaders left in charge when World War 2 finally put an end to Colonialism were also, for the most part, hand-picked by their former colonial masters; ruthless despots who would "keep them in line" while western corporations continued their business-as-usual of siphoning off the lion's share of these nation's national wealth.
Is it any wonder that radicalism and anti-westen sentiment took root in many of these countries? Being robbed from within by greedy tyrants and from without by rapacious corporate interests, little money was left for education and government services. Before many generations passed, a great many of the poorer citizens of such nations had regressed into the the same ignorant superstition and unreasonable hatred that had plagued Europe's population of preceding centuries.
No al Qaeda, Hamas or any other terrorist group could succeed in attracting recruits from nations that were enjoying freedom, prosperity and equality in human rights, and whose nations were in control of their own natural resources. In an almost visceral understanding of this self-perpetuating predicament, the masses of the Middle East seem to have risen as one and said "Enough!" Starting in Tunisia and cemented by the stunning peaceful victory in Egypt, a popular revolution is sweeping the Middle East.
Western civilization has been taken aback by all this, and predictions of disaster are rampant. Too many Western leaders and "Middle East Experts" are of the opinion that Western powers should be directing this revolution and picking its leaders, just like we did when Colonialism disappeared in name only. They miss the obvious point that their meddling and domination were a huge factor in the shaping of these societies' recent histories, that this is the true end of Colonialism, where the people of the Middle East pursue self-deternimination in a way they see fit, not what is allowed them by their patronizing overseers both foreign and domestic.
The West should be complimented rather than appalled by this popular revolution. The form of government being demanded by the demonstrators is, after all, Western-style representative democracy, a form of government whose foreign policy operatives had withheld from Middle Easterners as being "too advanced" for them. Well, guess again, and people here in New York City are watching events in the Middle East very carefully, hoping that this international push for Democracy will free New Yorkers from 115 years of tyrannical one-man rule.
This group of American citizens has long been considered "unfit" for self rule and have seen their hopes for democracy dashed again and again by one megalomaniacal mayor after another unwilling to share power with a legislative branch of government. One result has been that the New York City Court system has become the de-facto legislative branch by fielding challenges to the many autocratic and unconstitutional fiats dictated by our Strongman mayors, setting the dangerous precedent of the usurpation of legislative functions by New York City judges, a job for which they are unsuited, and not elected to perform.
New York City is one of the last places in America where representative democracy is not practiced. While citizens can vote for Mayor and members of the City Council ever since the 5 boroughs incorporated into a single city in 1896, the City Council has no power and each new mayor exercises absolute power over 8 million citizens, more people than reside in Bahrain and Libya combined. Perhaps this Democracy Fever will sweep across the Atlantic and free New Yorkers of taxation without representation, finally completing the American Revolution has been the inspiration for liberation movements everywhere for 235 years.
This was a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious.
Many so-called "experts" and observers in the West have long held the elitist opinion that Arabs and Muslims were "not ready" for democracy, the implication being that they are all tribal nomads with fealty only to their traditional warlords and chieftains. This is a widely held opinion in spite of the fact that during the Middle Ages, North Africa under Islam was the global center of medicine, science, scholarship, architecture, literature, philosophy, tolerance and multiculturalism, while Europe was mired in filth, plague, perpetual warfare, ignorance, fear, superstition, hatred and intolerance.
While the West has gained acendency since those halcyon days for Semitic Culture, during the Middle Ages it was the East that boasted the important centers of learning and scholarship, and the West that was amputating perfectly good limbs with dirty tools, fouling their cities with their own waste and burning their brothers and sisters at the stake for pointing out obvious truths. So let us not claim any intellectual or moral high ground on our Middle Eastern brethren.
The fact that today our societies are more technologically advanced as well as being more workable and equitable to its citizens than Eastern nations is only a recent historical development, a situation that could change in a matter of a few short years. Ask the German or the Japanese people how they squandered centuries of hard work and achievement by following madmen to their nations' near annihilation, their beautiful cities turned in to piles of smoking ruble. No Middle Eastern Nation ever caused the world a fraction of the death and destruction that European and Asian Fascism caused in a dozen insane years only 70 years ago.
The citizens of the Middle East have endued centuries of conquest, hostility, oppression and exploitation at the hands of Western Colonial Powers, with even many of the borders and ethnic makeups of their nations determined by foreign empires. The leaders left in charge when World War 2 finally put an end to Colonialism were also, for the most part, hand-picked by their former colonial masters; ruthless despots who would "keep them in line" while western corporations continued their business-as-usual of siphoning off the lion's share of these nation's national wealth.
Is it any wonder that radicalism and anti-westen sentiment took root in many of these countries? Being robbed from within by greedy tyrants and from without by rapacious corporate interests, little money was left for education and government services. Before many generations passed, a great many of the poorer citizens of such nations had regressed into the the same ignorant superstition and unreasonable hatred that had plagued Europe's population of preceding centuries.
No al Qaeda, Hamas or any other terrorist group could succeed in attracting recruits from nations that were enjoying freedom, prosperity and equality in human rights, and whose nations were in control of their own natural resources. In an almost visceral understanding of this self-perpetuating predicament, the masses of the Middle East seem to have risen as one and said "Enough!" Starting in Tunisia and cemented by the stunning peaceful victory in Egypt, a popular revolution is sweeping the Middle East.
Western civilization has been taken aback by all this, and predictions of disaster are rampant. Too many Western leaders and "Middle East Experts" are of the opinion that Western powers should be directing this revolution and picking its leaders, just like we did when Colonialism disappeared in name only. They miss the obvious point that their meddling and domination were a huge factor in the shaping of these societies' recent histories, that this is the true end of Colonialism, where the people of the Middle East pursue self-deternimination in a way they see fit, not what is allowed them by their patronizing overseers both foreign and domestic.
The West should be complimented rather than appalled by this popular revolution. The form of government being demanded by the demonstrators is, after all, Western-style representative democracy, a form of government whose foreign policy operatives had withheld from Middle Easterners as being "too advanced" for them. Well, guess again, and people here in New York City are watching events in the Middle East very carefully, hoping that this international push for Democracy will free New Yorkers from 115 years of tyrannical one-man rule.
This group of American citizens has long been considered "unfit" for self rule and have seen their hopes for democracy dashed again and again by one megalomaniacal mayor after another unwilling to share power with a legislative branch of government. One result has been that the New York City Court system has become the de-facto legislative branch by fielding challenges to the many autocratic and unconstitutional fiats dictated by our Strongman mayors, setting the dangerous precedent of the usurpation of legislative functions by New York City judges, a job for which they are unsuited, and not elected to perform.
New York City is one of the last places in America where representative democracy is not practiced. While citizens can vote for Mayor and members of the City Council ever since the 5 boroughs incorporated into a single city in 1896, the City Council has no power and each new mayor exercises absolute power over 8 million citizens, more people than reside in Bahrain and Libya combined. Perhaps this Democracy Fever will sweep across the Atlantic and free New Yorkers of taxation without representation, finally completing the American Revolution has been the inspiration for liberation movements everywhere for 235 years.
This was a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious.
February 21, 2011
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 773
The only conspiracy you need to worry about is that of life itself, which is slowly bringing about your own demise. Grab all the love and all the fun you possibly can before your number is up.
WICKEDLEAK RETURNS WITH MILD INSINUATIONS!
Tallyrand D'Antione of Wickedleak here, as always reporting from an undisclosed location. Here at wickedleak.net we are determined to show solidarity with Julian Assange, facing extradition to Sweden, where he will face a secret tribunal of Viking Chieftains on sex charges. Since the authorities have managed to shut down Assange's Wikileaks for the time being, Wickedleak takes up the banner with the following earth-shattering revelations that some people would rather not be made public:
The President of The United States of America, Barack Obama, in a direct snub to his African-American brethren, smokes non-menthol cigarettes. What message is this man of mixed-race trying to send?
Executives at Bank of America held a hot dog-eating contest at their annual company picnic, but not with their own hot dogs, with the winner being the one who could eat the most hot dogs from other people's tables. The company wrote the whole thing off as a training seminar.
The owners of Saudi Arabia, Inc., The Saudi Royal Family, has but a tenuous claim to the throne. Documents in our possession reveal that incumbent Saudi King Abdullah won the title in a high-stakes game of Naked Twister from the rightful heir to the throne.
Jay Leno is secretly campaigning to have Conan O'Brien fired from his new Cable TV show. Wickedleak has come into possession of an audio-taped conversation where Mr. Leno admits his reasons: "Just to fuck with that punk-ass little shit's head even more! He's finished in this town, you hear me? I'm Jay fucking Leno, dammit! He's finished!"
Wickedleak has uncovered documented evidence that powerful United States Congressman Barney Frank is a practicing homosexual. When confronted with irrefutable evidence by Wickedleak operatives, Mr. Frank made this statement: "♫Helllooo--oo!♪"
Wickedleak reminds you that with the recent (forced?) retirements of Regis Philbin, Mike Wallace and Larry King, that Andy Rooney of CBS Television's "60 Minutes" is now the only TV personality that did not grow up watching television, and there will never be another. Conspiracy, or that tired old "Father Time" explanation that the powers-that-be a-would have you believe?
The Roman Catholic Church has long resisted demands by the faithful for financial transparency. Wickedleak has come into possession of documents that may shed some light on annual expenses at the Vatican. Pope Benedict's costume and dry cleaning budget in fiscal year 2010 was in excess of €3 million ($4.086 million U.S.), with his pointy hat bill alone amounting to nearly $1,350,000!
Wickedleak has been in receipt (from an anonymous donor) of sensational information about the new American political party, the Tea Party. An insider has provided Wickedleak with detailed proof that there is no platform, no mission statement and no political think tanks being convened to formulate practical solutions to the tough problems. One Tea Party powerhouse explained: "We let our anger do our talking and our thinking. The American people relate to that, and deserve better than the stale old 'let's-fix-things-together-as-one-nation' policies of the Obama administration."
Documents uncovered by Wickedleak have confirmed the long-rumored existence of a very large nation to the north of the United States of America. This country has been identified as "Canada," and very little is known about it since almost no news of its inner workings reaches the outside world. It is thought to be a Theocracy, with their state religion having something to do with the Queen of England, the leaves of maple trees, red tunics with brass buttons and ice fishing. So far Canada has had nothing to say one way or the other, to the surprise of no one.
The Chinese government has attempted on a number of occasions to hack into Wickedleak.net in order to discover any damaging leaked documents about Chinese financial dealings, but the cyber-attacks was repelled by our alert Indian tech support people, who knew something was up when the Chinese hackers didn't know Mrs. D'Antoine's maiden name. The joke is on them since no one here at Wickedleak can read Cantonese and so it's unclear if we're sitting on dangerous secrets or shredded pork recipes.
Wickedleak investigations of corruption and incompetence at The United Nations and their abysmal record of never having solved any problem anywhere ever, have prompted that organization to appoint a committee to study the feasibility of convening a panel that will make non-binding recommendations regarding the eventual formation of a permanent committee that will decide whether or not to form an investigative unit to find out who leaked the dirt to Wickedleak. The whole process should take about a decade.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has asked Wickedleak to help him show his innocence of charges that he paid a 17 year-old prostitute for sex with documents in our possession that prove that he bought the girl fair and square from Ukranian human traffickers and thus should not be held accountable for violating his own property. Well, as it turns out, Wickedleak did indeed have a copy of that bill of sale and it looked pretty legit and straightforward so we forwarded it to Mr. Berlusconi's defense team so he could prove clear title of ownership of the girl in question.
Monsanto Corporation has been threatening Wickedleak with starvation if we do not cease and desist releasing documents critical of the giant genetically-altered seed company. Lawyers for Monsanto have pointed out that Monsanto now owns the rights to every food crop in the world, and by extension, every domestic animal raised on their crops, and can say who is and is not allowed to eat their food. Our own lawyers confirmed this is indeed the case and so we surrendered the incriminating documents to Monsanto. Hey, Crusaders have to eat too!
This has been another earth-shaking report from Wickedleak,net. Look to these pages for further reports from yet another undisclosed location. Until then, this is Tallyrand D'Antoine signing off.
The President of The United States of America, Barack Obama, in a direct snub to his African-American brethren, smokes non-menthol cigarettes. What message is this man of mixed-race trying to send?
Executives at Bank of America held a hot dog-eating contest at their annual company picnic, but not with their own hot dogs, with the winner being the one who could eat the most hot dogs from other people's tables. The company wrote the whole thing off as a training seminar.
The owners of Saudi Arabia, Inc., The Saudi Royal Family, has but a tenuous claim to the throne. Documents in our possession reveal that incumbent Saudi King Abdullah won the title in a high-stakes game of Naked Twister from the rightful heir to the throne.
Jay Leno is secretly campaigning to have Conan O'Brien fired from his new Cable TV show. Wickedleak has come into possession of an audio-taped conversation where Mr. Leno admits his reasons: "Just to fuck with that punk-ass little shit's head even more! He's finished in this town, you hear me? I'm Jay fucking Leno, dammit! He's finished!"
Wickedleak has uncovered documented evidence that powerful United States Congressman Barney Frank is a practicing homosexual. When confronted with irrefutable evidence by Wickedleak operatives, Mr. Frank made this statement: "♫Helllooo--oo!♪"
Wickedleak reminds you that with the recent (forced?) retirements of Regis Philbin, Mike Wallace and Larry King, that Andy Rooney of CBS Television's "60 Minutes" is now the only TV personality that did not grow up watching television, and there will never be another. Conspiracy, or that tired old "Father Time" explanation that the powers-that-be a-would have you believe?
The Roman Catholic Church has long resisted demands by the faithful for financial transparency. Wickedleak has come into possession of documents that may shed some light on annual expenses at the Vatican. Pope Benedict's costume and dry cleaning budget in fiscal year 2010 was in excess of €3 million ($4.086 million U.S.), with his pointy hat bill alone amounting to nearly $1,350,000!
Wickedleak has been in receipt (from an anonymous donor) of sensational information about the new American political party, the Tea Party. An insider has provided Wickedleak with detailed proof that there is no platform, no mission statement and no political think tanks being convened to formulate practical solutions to the tough problems. One Tea Party powerhouse explained: "We let our anger do our talking and our thinking. The American people relate to that, and deserve better than the stale old 'let's-fix-things-together-as-one-nation' policies of the Obama administration."
Documents uncovered by Wickedleak have confirmed the long-rumored existence of a very large nation to the north of the United States of America. This country has been identified as "Canada," and very little is known about it since almost no news of its inner workings reaches the outside world. It is thought to be a Theocracy, with their state religion having something to do with the Queen of England, the leaves of maple trees, red tunics with brass buttons and ice fishing. So far Canada has had nothing to say one way or the other, to the surprise of no one.
The Chinese government has attempted on a number of occasions to hack into Wickedleak.net in order to discover any damaging leaked documents about Chinese financial dealings, but the cyber-attacks was repelled by our alert Indian tech support people, who knew something was up when the Chinese hackers didn't know Mrs. D'Antoine's maiden name. The joke is on them since no one here at Wickedleak can read Cantonese and so it's unclear if we're sitting on dangerous secrets or shredded pork recipes.
Wickedleak investigations of corruption and incompetence at The United Nations and their abysmal record of never having solved any problem anywhere ever, have prompted that organization to appoint a committee to study the feasibility of convening a panel that will make non-binding recommendations regarding the eventual formation of a permanent committee that will decide whether or not to form an investigative unit to find out who leaked the dirt to Wickedleak. The whole process should take about a decade.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has asked Wickedleak to help him show his innocence of charges that he paid a 17 year-old prostitute for sex with documents in our possession that prove that he bought the girl fair and square from Ukranian human traffickers and thus should not be held accountable for violating his own property. Well, as it turns out, Wickedleak did indeed have a copy of that bill of sale and it looked pretty legit and straightforward so we forwarded it to Mr. Berlusconi's defense team so he could prove clear title of ownership of the girl in question.
Monsanto Corporation has been threatening Wickedleak with starvation if we do not cease and desist releasing documents critical of the giant genetically-altered seed company. Lawyers for Monsanto have pointed out that Monsanto now owns the rights to every food crop in the world, and by extension, every domestic animal raised on their crops, and can say who is and is not allowed to eat their food. Our own lawyers confirmed this is indeed the case and so we surrendered the incriminating documents to Monsanto. Hey, Crusaders have to eat too!
This has been another earth-shaking report from Wickedleak,net. Look to these pages for further reports from yet another undisclosed location. Until then, this is Tallyrand D'Antoine signing off.
February 18, 2011
THE ANSWER MAN HANDLES THE TOUGH QUESTIONS!
It's Answer Man Time Again, people! You know the drill, you ask questions and the Answer Man Answers them. Remember, questions only!
Dear Answer Man: Is it true that toilets and sinks drain in the opposite direction on the other side of the world? - Yuri Nidyet
Dear Yuri Nidyet: Yes. Next!
Dear Answer Man: You didn't tell him why! - Nan Compoop
Dear Nan Compoop: Sorry, there's no question here. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Will Egypt's revolution spread to other Middle East nations? - Ernesto Godliness
Dear Ernesto Godliness: Put it this way, Ernesto: how long would it take for a bunch of Manson-eyed creeps in robes who constantly tell everybody what worthless pieces of crap they are and try to talk your favorite nephew into blowing himself to smithereens to get on your nerves in a big way? So, the answer is yes, yes it will spread throughout the region. Next!
Dear Answer Man: How did you get to be so smart? - Justin Case
Dear Justin Case: I'll answer this one with a little parable: Two men, Tom and Teddy, were hiking in the woods when they encountered a giant hungry Grizzly Bear. Immediately Tom start to run away with Teddy on his heels and the Grizzly right behind them. Teddy breathlessly informs Tom that there's no way they can outrun the Grizzly Bear, to which Tom replies: "I know that Teddy, which is why I only have to outrun you!" Here's a clue, Justin: you're Teddy, I'm Tom. Next!
Dear Answer Man: I don't get it! - Justin Case.
Dear Justin Case: Bingo! And on such as yourself sir, is Answer Man's fortune made. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Scientists have determined that bees are not aerodynamically sound. How do they fly, then? - Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: If you don't tell the bees, I won't either. Next!
Dear Answer Man: But that's no answer, you blowhard phony! - Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: I'm sorry, Jerry, but you must submit your posts in the form of a question. Next!
Dear Answer Man: What's with that Jerry dude, A.M.? Seems a bit uptight. - Barbados Slim
Dear Barbados Slim: He's apparently a guy who doesn't keep up with the latest science journals and is thus unaware of new studies explaining that the incredible speed and complex design of bees' wings overcomes any inherent body-design deficiencies in aerodynamic drag and lift. Go figure. Next!
Dear Answer Man: No fair! - Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: You need not thank me now for teaching you this important life lesson, Jerry, but one day you'll realize that Answer Man is right, life is really not fair.
Dear Answer Man: The Moon is moving away from the earth at the rate of about one inch per year. Where is the Moon going in not-such-a-hurry? - Carrie Miebach
Dear Carrie Miebach: The Moon is going nowhere slow, but still finding it's permanent orbit around the earth. You see, Carrie, the moon used to be a part of Planet Earth, our Pacific flank, as it were, before there was a Pacific Ocean. Then a chuck of cosmic debris the size of Africa crashed into the planet, and one result was the moon separating and flying off into space, spinning around to become a globular mass and, although it has stopped spinning and we see only one side of it, it is still on that journey hundreds of millions of years later, but Earth's gravity will never allow it to fully leave our orbit. It may look a drop smaller when it finally finds its permanent groove, but it's not escaping. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Why do beavers build dams if they don't use hydroelectric power? - Friendly Freddy
Dear Friendly Freddy: Beavers dam up streams and rivers to irrigate their farms, and don't use electricity because they are Amish. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is that really true, that beavers are Amish? I always figured them to be Mennonites! - Isaah Lott
Dear Isaah Lott: The Answer Man is reminded once again to be supremely grateful for the intellectual development of the readers of bobcrespo.com, and yes, beavers are dam-building Amish farmers to the core of their beings! Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is messing with people's heads how you get your jollies? - Bull O'Really
Dear Bull O' Really: What, you think you invented horseshit, Bull? Please! I've watched your pathetic dog-and-pony show, and not once do you give any credit to your mentor Josef Goebbels, architect of the Big Lie. Next!
Dear Answer Man: When bears hibernate, do they dream? - Julie DeForth
Dear Julie DeForth: Yes they do, Julie, but unfortunately it's always that dream where you're on the subway in your underwear trying to act normal, so it's little wonder why they're so darned testy when they emerge from their dens in Springtime. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Lush Limburger says global warming is a myth and says that this winter proves it. Is Lush right? - Tipper from Tennessee
Dear Tipper from Tennessee: Perhaps Lush Limburger neglected to read the parts of the scientific studies mentioning that one result of global warming will be more snow and harsher winters in some areas of The Earth. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Why don't they give out a Nobel Prize for juggling? I can juggle two bowling pins, a bottle of wine (which I drink while juggling!) and a goldfish bowl and never spill a drop! - Jimbo the Magnificent
Dear Jimbo the Magnificent: The Answer Man loves his job! Sorry, Jimbo, I didn't mean to get carried away. Looks like you're a classic case of "born too late," son. The Nobel Committee retired the Juggling While Drunk Prize when W.C. Fields died in 1946. He had been the recipient of 5 of them, a record for Nobel Laureates. Next!
Dear Answer Man: My old lady Ginger Snap tells me she's sick of us being Poor White Trash even though we just upgraded to a double wide and got rid of most of the rusty junkers out front. Doesn't that make us Middle Class White Trash? - Bubba Ho Tep
Dear Bubba Ho Tep: Yes, that's exactly what it means. Tell Ginger Snap she can hold her head up high next time you two have a dustup and wind up appearing on another episode of COPS. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Who would win a 3-way cage match between Mike Sorrentino (The Situation from "Jersey Shore"), a wild African leopard and the head Transformer? - Sid Arthur
Dear Sid Arthur: I see you've specified an African leopard, Sid. Very astute, a subtle game-changer that makes it a tough call. The answer would be; Get a friggin' life, bozo, and maybe a thimbleful of knowledge one of these years! Next!
Dear Answer Man: You just totally threw up your hands and bailed on this one, didn't you, Answer Man? - Sammy Science
Dear Sammy Science: Bingo! You got me, Mister Science. An artist can only work with the materials at hand, my friend. You know as well as I do that some days in this biz you just say screw it and play the cards you're dealt. I notice you haven't been appearing on these pages lately. What gives?
Dear Answer Man: Hellooo! Didn't you get the memo? Science is something the president mentions every so often and everyone nods solemnly and agrees until the next day when we go back to taking political positions on proven facts. This ain't like the 1950's and '60s anymore, Answer Man, when every kid had a chemistry set and a microscope along with their baseball gloves, with maybe a rocket assembly kit too. Sammy Science is like the dinosaurs half the people around tell their kids didn't exist! I have to admit I've been hitting the bottle pretty heavy lately. - Sammy Science
Dear Sammy Science: Preaching to the choir pal, and that explains your hiatus, but hey, there's mouths to feed, and there's no heavy lifting here. That said, The Answer Man has had all he can take for one day, so... I... Am... Soooo... Outta here!
Dear Answer Man: Is it true that toilets and sinks drain in the opposite direction on the other side of the world? - Yuri Nidyet
Dear Yuri Nidyet: Yes. Next!
Dear Answer Man: You didn't tell him why! - Nan Compoop
Dear Nan Compoop: Sorry, there's no question here. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Will Egypt's revolution spread to other Middle East nations? - Ernesto Godliness
Dear Ernesto Godliness: Put it this way, Ernesto: how long would it take for a bunch of Manson-eyed creeps in robes who constantly tell everybody what worthless pieces of crap they are and try to talk your favorite nephew into blowing himself to smithereens to get on your nerves in a big way? So, the answer is yes, yes it will spread throughout the region. Next!
Dear Answer Man: How did you get to be so smart? - Justin Case
Dear Justin Case: I'll answer this one with a little parable: Two men, Tom and Teddy, were hiking in the woods when they encountered a giant hungry Grizzly Bear. Immediately Tom start to run away with Teddy on his heels and the Grizzly right behind them. Teddy breathlessly informs Tom that there's no way they can outrun the Grizzly Bear, to which Tom replies: "I know that Teddy, which is why I only have to outrun you!" Here's a clue, Justin: you're Teddy, I'm Tom. Next!
Dear Answer Man: I don't get it! - Justin Case.
Dear Justin Case: Bingo! And on such as yourself sir, is Answer Man's fortune made. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Scientists have determined that bees are not aerodynamically sound. How do they fly, then? - Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: If you don't tell the bees, I won't either. Next!
Dear Answer Man: But that's no answer, you blowhard phony! - Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: I'm sorry, Jerry, but you must submit your posts in the form of a question. Next!
Dear Answer Man: What's with that Jerry dude, A.M.? Seems a bit uptight. - Barbados Slim
Dear Barbados Slim: He's apparently a guy who doesn't keep up with the latest science journals and is thus unaware of new studies explaining that the incredible speed and complex design of bees' wings overcomes any inherent body-design deficiencies in aerodynamic drag and lift. Go figure. Next!
Dear Answer Man: No fair! - Jerry Mander
Dear Jerry Mander: You need not thank me now for teaching you this important life lesson, Jerry, but one day you'll realize that Answer Man is right, life is really not fair.
Dear Answer Man: The Moon is moving away from the earth at the rate of about one inch per year. Where is the Moon going in not-such-a-hurry? - Carrie Miebach
Dear Carrie Miebach: The Moon is going nowhere slow, but still finding it's permanent orbit around the earth. You see, Carrie, the moon used to be a part of Planet Earth, our Pacific flank, as it were, before there was a Pacific Ocean. Then a chuck of cosmic debris the size of Africa crashed into the planet, and one result was the moon separating and flying off into space, spinning around to become a globular mass and, although it has stopped spinning and we see only one side of it, it is still on that journey hundreds of millions of years later, but Earth's gravity will never allow it to fully leave our orbit. It may look a drop smaller when it finally finds its permanent groove, but it's not escaping. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Why do beavers build dams if they don't use hydroelectric power? - Friendly Freddy
Dear Friendly Freddy: Beavers dam up streams and rivers to irrigate their farms, and don't use electricity because they are Amish. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is that really true, that beavers are Amish? I always figured them to be Mennonites! - Isaah Lott
Dear Isaah Lott: The Answer Man is reminded once again to be supremely grateful for the intellectual development of the readers of bobcrespo.com, and yes, beavers are dam-building Amish farmers to the core of their beings! Next!
Dear Answer Man: Is messing with people's heads how you get your jollies? - Bull O'Really
Dear Bull O' Really: What, you think you invented horseshit, Bull? Please! I've watched your pathetic dog-and-pony show, and not once do you give any credit to your mentor Josef Goebbels, architect of the Big Lie. Next!
Dear Answer Man: When bears hibernate, do they dream? - Julie DeForth
Dear Julie DeForth: Yes they do, Julie, but unfortunately it's always that dream where you're on the subway in your underwear trying to act normal, so it's little wonder why they're so darned testy when they emerge from their dens in Springtime. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Lush Limburger says global warming is a myth and says that this winter proves it. Is Lush right? - Tipper from Tennessee
Dear Tipper from Tennessee: Perhaps Lush Limburger neglected to read the parts of the scientific studies mentioning that one result of global warming will be more snow and harsher winters in some areas of The Earth. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Why don't they give out a Nobel Prize for juggling? I can juggle two bowling pins, a bottle of wine (which I drink while juggling!) and a goldfish bowl and never spill a drop! - Jimbo the Magnificent
Dear Jimbo the Magnificent: The Answer Man loves his job! Sorry, Jimbo, I didn't mean to get carried away. Looks like you're a classic case of "born too late," son. The Nobel Committee retired the Juggling While Drunk Prize when W.C. Fields died in 1946. He had been the recipient of 5 of them, a record for Nobel Laureates. Next!
Dear Answer Man: My old lady Ginger Snap tells me she's sick of us being Poor White Trash even though we just upgraded to a double wide and got rid of most of the rusty junkers out front. Doesn't that make us Middle Class White Trash? - Bubba Ho Tep
Dear Bubba Ho Tep: Yes, that's exactly what it means. Tell Ginger Snap she can hold her head up high next time you two have a dustup and wind up appearing on another episode of COPS. Next!
Dear Answer Man: Who would win a 3-way cage match between Mike Sorrentino (The Situation from "Jersey Shore"), a wild African leopard and the head Transformer? - Sid Arthur
Dear Sid Arthur: I see you've specified an African leopard, Sid. Very astute, a subtle game-changer that makes it a tough call. The answer would be; Get a friggin' life, bozo, and maybe a thimbleful of knowledge one of these years! Next!
Dear Answer Man: You just totally threw up your hands and bailed on this one, didn't you, Answer Man? - Sammy Science
Dear Sammy Science: Bingo! You got me, Mister Science. An artist can only work with the materials at hand, my friend. You know as well as I do that some days in this biz you just say screw it and play the cards you're dealt. I notice you haven't been appearing on these pages lately. What gives?
Dear Answer Man: Hellooo! Didn't you get the memo? Science is something the president mentions every so often and everyone nods solemnly and agrees until the next day when we go back to taking political positions on proven facts. This ain't like the 1950's and '60s anymore, Answer Man, when every kid had a chemistry set and a microscope along with their baseball gloves, with maybe a rocket assembly kit too. Sammy Science is like the dinosaurs half the people around tell their kids didn't exist! I have to admit I've been hitting the bottle pretty heavy lately. - Sammy Science
Dear Sammy Science: Preaching to the choir pal, and that explains your hiatus, but hey, there's mouths to feed, and there's no heavy lifting here. That said, The Answer Man has had all he can take for one day, so... I... Am... Soooo... Outta here!
WHAT THINGS REALLY MEAN
Ever the public servants, we here at bobcrespo.com have added one more service to our Menu of The Magnificent. Today we provide literal translations of common, but often misleading, words or phrases. Consider these:
Phrase: With all due respect.
Translation: Move over, Rodney Dangerfield.
Phrase: Not for nothing, but...
Translation: A huge something, and never good.
Phrase: You don't mind if I...?
Translation: I'm going to anyway.
Phrase: It's not the money, it's the principle
Translation: It's the principal, and I want interest!
Phrase: You know what they say...
Translation: Here's my opinion...
Phrase: A stitch in time saves nine.
Translation: Nobody likes this Ben Franklin line, its biggest mystery being how this least profound famous quote ever came to be so popular. The better mysterious quote from this notorious womanizer? Try this: "All cats are gray in the dark."
Phrase: Rumor has it.
Translation: It's true.
Phrase: Size doesn't matter.
Translation: It matters, otherwise the subject would never come up.
Phrase: I can see Russia from my house.
Translation: I saw Yeti once.
Phrase: Eccentric celebrity.
Translation: Loathsome degenerate with talent.
Phrase: Wired in.
Translation: I live only through my electronic devices and haven't had to meet an actual person since 2006, thank God.
Phrase: Trickle down.
Translation: Let them eat cake.
Phrase: Luxury Condo.
Translation: There is no other kind of condominium. When was the last time anyone tried to sell you a Regular Condo, or a Drafty Utilitarian Box Condo?
Phrase: The Right of Eminent Domain.
Translation: Sorry Granny, but Walmart needs another 1,000 parking spaces, your house is bulldozer food. On the bright side, you can always apply to be a greeter for minimum wage, plus a senior discount!
Phrase: Free gift!
Translation: As opposed to say, being charged for a gift.
Phrase: Life coach.
Translation: Scam artist.
Phrase: NYC Council Member
Translation: A member of The Manhattan Politburo, a powerless rubber-stamp committee designed to make New York City's government resemble an actual American government with a legislative and an executive branch, rather than the one-man rule over 8 million people that it is.
Phrase: Higher Education
Translation: A degree in Pharmacology.
Phrase: Rap
Translation: Street poetry
Phrase: Alternative music.
Translation: Will.I.am.not.
Phrase: Aroma therapist
Translation: Scam artist
Phrase: Peace process
Translation: Don't hold your breath.
Phrase: President For Life
Translation: Beware the Ides of March.
Phrase: Can we still be friends?
Translation: Of the long lost variety, of course.
Phrase: Vice President
Translation: A heartbeat away from being in way over your head.
Phrase: The Christian Right
Translation: Those who have openly broken with Jesus Christ's policies.
Phrase: Reality TV.
Translation: The Surreal McCoy.
Phrase: Corporate Spokesperson
Translation: U.S. Congressman
Phrase: Morbidly obese
Translation: A new dimension in cruelty by professional scolds.
Phrase: Vitamin Water
Translation: Kool Aid
Phrase: I don't love you that way.
Translation: Or, pretty much any way, now that you mention it.
Phrase: With all due respect.
Translation: Move over, Rodney Dangerfield.
Phrase: Not for nothing, but...
Translation: A huge something, and never good.
Phrase: You don't mind if I...?
Translation: I'm going to anyway.
Phrase: It's not the money, it's the principle
Translation: It's the principal, and I want interest!
Phrase: You know what they say...
Translation: Here's my opinion...
Phrase: A stitch in time saves nine.
Translation: Nobody likes this Ben Franklin line, its biggest mystery being how this least profound famous quote ever came to be so popular. The better mysterious quote from this notorious womanizer? Try this: "All cats are gray in the dark."
Phrase: Rumor has it.
Translation: It's true.
Phrase: Size doesn't matter.
Translation: It matters, otherwise the subject would never come up.
Phrase: I can see Russia from my house.
Translation: I saw Yeti once.
Phrase: Eccentric celebrity.
Translation: Loathsome degenerate with talent.
Phrase: Wired in.
Translation: I live only through my electronic devices and haven't had to meet an actual person since 2006, thank God.
Phrase: Trickle down.
Translation: Let them eat cake.
Phrase: Luxury Condo.
Translation: There is no other kind of condominium. When was the last time anyone tried to sell you a Regular Condo, or a Drafty Utilitarian Box Condo?
Phrase: The Right of Eminent Domain.
Translation: Sorry Granny, but Walmart needs another 1,000 parking spaces, your house is bulldozer food. On the bright side, you can always apply to be a greeter for minimum wage, plus a senior discount!
Phrase: Free gift!
Translation: As opposed to say, being charged for a gift.
Phrase: Life coach.
Translation: Scam artist.
Phrase: NYC Council Member
Translation: A member of The Manhattan Politburo, a powerless rubber-stamp committee designed to make New York City's government resemble an actual American government with a legislative and an executive branch, rather than the one-man rule over 8 million people that it is.
Phrase: Higher Education
Translation: A degree in Pharmacology.
Phrase: Rap
Translation: Street poetry
Phrase: Alternative music.
Translation: Will.I.am.not.
Phrase: Aroma therapist
Translation: Scam artist
Phrase: Peace process
Translation: Don't hold your breath.
Phrase: President For Life
Translation: Beware the Ides of March.
Phrase: Can we still be friends?
Translation: Of the long lost variety, of course.
Phrase: Vice President
Translation: A heartbeat away from being in way over your head.
Phrase: The Christian Right
Translation: Those who have openly broken with Jesus Christ's policies.
Phrase: Reality TV.
Translation: The Surreal McCoy.
Phrase: Corporate Spokesperson
Translation: U.S. Congressman
Phrase: Morbidly obese
Translation: A new dimension in cruelty by professional scolds.
Phrase: Vitamin Water
Translation: Kool Aid
Phrase: I don't love you that way.
Translation: Or, pretty much any way, now that you mention it.
February 15, 2011
INTERVIEW WITH THE LAST CAVEMAN
In a stunning coup on the world's media, bobcrespo.com has secured an interview with George, the last living Neanderthal man. Long thought to be extinct for thousand of years, George came out of hiding when the last of his kind other than himself died. Alone in the world and facing the oblivion of loneliness and isolation, George wants to tell the world his story. Here goes:
Bobcrespo.com: Thank your for sitting down with us today, George.
George: Who us! Me see you only! There Spirit Man here?
BC: No, George, relax, I made a mistake. Thanks for sitting down with me!
George: Me joke you, me know you blowhard! No believe Spirit Man, me tease! Me like you, bobcrespo.com! No make funny with dem no like.
BC: Thank you George, and I like you too. May I ask you how you got the name George? Seems unusual for a Caveman.
George: That me human name. Real name Denzel. Many Caveman name Denzel. Me last.
BC: Why a human name?
George: Me pass sometimes. Many humans think me drunk biker, give me food, beer. Me take.
BC: Is that how you've been living since the next-to-last Caveman died?
George: Me still hunt, pick berries sometime, mostly act like drunk biker. Me no miss many meals!
BC: I'm amazed at your command of English, George!
George: Neanderthal no dumdum, bobcrespo.com, we just little slow on uptake! By time we realize you no mean Kumbaya, we almost extinct! You say "me show you new kind club," we say "okay sure," you bash skull new club! Den you say "want see new arrow" and again we say "okay sure...." You getting caribou scent here, bobcrespo.com?
BC: So you're saying Neanderthals are a trusting people?"
George: Me say was! It me only now, no trust human.
BC: I'm sorry to hear that.
George: You sorry? How think me feel?
BC: Well, you can always.... pass.
George: Me thinking of it. Me up for colors in bike gang.
BC: Don't they know you're a Neanderthal man?
George: Dem know, dem say make me ideal candidate. Biker no question if you okay. Dem say me okay. Me join, have food, beer, biker chick.
BC: You have a human girlfriend?
George: Her name Lulu. Many pictures on skin. Soft. Her like beer.
BC: So. you're not going public with who you are? You could make a fortune, you know, "The Last Caveman: The Movie," TV, DVDs, interviews, books, public appearances, you'd be a sensation!
George: Me no think so, bobcrespo.com. No want be Yeti for nobody, like bird in cage. Me no Yeti, me Caveman, me real! Me ride hog, me free, me have Lulu.
BC: Well, it's your life, George. You seem to have adjusted well to being the last of your kind, I must say.
George: You think me idea? Not confusing big number options for Last Caveman here! Me want live, me want free like was! Bike gang best shot.
BC: Well, George, you're secret's relatively safe here, hardly anyone reads these things. If you ever change your mind and want to get rich, George, I'd love to be your agent.
George: Line form to right if George ever decide go pubic, me have pick of agent!Me no dumdum, me tell you, and me no trust. Me no go public, this me last sit down talk.
BC: Sorry to hear that George but I wish you the best in your new life. Is there anything you'd like to tell my readers before you ride of into the sunset with Lulu on the back of your hog? A message to humanity from the Last Caveman?
George: Me have wish. Me like brown bear. Tell human no kill all.
And there you have it folks, the first (and apparently last!) interview with The Last Caveman. True to his word, George walked out of bobcrespo.com HQ and roared off on his Harley to parts unknown with Lulu hanging on.
Bobcrespo.com: Thank your for sitting down with us today, George.
George: Who us! Me see you only! There Spirit Man here?
BC: No, George, relax, I made a mistake. Thanks for sitting down with me!
George: Me joke you, me know you blowhard! No believe Spirit Man, me tease! Me like you, bobcrespo.com! No make funny with dem no like.
BC: Thank you George, and I like you too. May I ask you how you got the name George? Seems unusual for a Caveman.
George: That me human name. Real name Denzel. Many Caveman name Denzel. Me last.
BC: Why a human name?
George: Me pass sometimes. Many humans think me drunk biker, give me food, beer. Me take.
BC: Is that how you've been living since the next-to-last Caveman died?
George: Me still hunt, pick berries sometime, mostly act like drunk biker. Me no miss many meals!
BC: I'm amazed at your command of English, George!
George: Neanderthal no dumdum, bobcrespo.com, we just little slow on uptake! By time we realize you no mean Kumbaya, we almost extinct! You say "me show you new kind club," we say "okay sure," you bash skull new club! Den you say "want see new arrow" and again we say "okay sure...." You getting caribou scent here, bobcrespo.com?
BC: So you're saying Neanderthals are a trusting people?"
George: Me say was! It me only now, no trust human.
BC: I'm sorry to hear that.
George: You sorry? How think me feel?
BC: Well, you can always.... pass.
George: Me thinking of it. Me up for colors in bike gang.
BC: Don't they know you're a Neanderthal man?
George: Dem know, dem say make me ideal candidate. Biker no question if you okay. Dem say me okay. Me join, have food, beer, biker chick.
BC: You have a human girlfriend?
George: Her name Lulu. Many pictures on skin. Soft. Her like beer.
BC: So. you're not going public with who you are? You could make a fortune, you know, "The Last Caveman: The Movie," TV, DVDs, interviews, books, public appearances, you'd be a sensation!
George: Me no think so, bobcrespo.com. No want be Yeti for nobody, like bird in cage. Me no Yeti, me Caveman, me real! Me ride hog, me free, me have Lulu.
BC: Well, it's your life, George. You seem to have adjusted well to being the last of your kind, I must say.
George: You think me idea? Not confusing big number options for Last Caveman here! Me want live, me want free like was! Bike gang best shot.
BC: Well, George, you're secret's relatively safe here, hardly anyone reads these things. If you ever change your mind and want to get rich, George, I'd love to be your agent.
George: Line form to right if George ever decide go pubic, me have pick of agent!Me no dumdum, me tell you, and me no trust. Me no go public, this me last sit down talk.
BC: Sorry to hear that George but I wish you the best in your new life. Is there anything you'd like to tell my readers before you ride of into the sunset with Lulu on the back of your hog? A message to humanity from the Last Caveman?
George: Me have wish. Me like brown bear. Tell human no kill all.
And there you have it folks, the first (and apparently last!) interview with The Last Caveman. True to his word, George walked out of bobcrespo.com HQ and roared off on his Harley to parts unknown with Lulu hanging on.
January 28, 2011
January 9, 2011
EARN AN ONLINE DOCTORATE FROM BOBCRESPO.COM UNIVERSITY!
As part of the major renovations we will be undertaking at this website in the coming year, bobcrespo.com is proud to announce the Bobcrespo.com Online University! That's right, BC.CU will soon be taking applications from promising undergrads looking for that prestigious doctorate degree that will push them over the top when it comes to employability in today's depressed job market.
More importantly, enrolling at BC.CU gives you Student Status, explaining that embarrassing years-long lapse on your work resume that most Americans have these days. Unlike other Online Universities, BC.CU will not offer advanced degrees in the stale old subjects that have been contributing to the complete unemployability of their students. Looking at the moonscape that is today's economy, we are tailoring our curriculum to offer careers in the fields where the money is today: The financial services, politics, computer engineering and popular science.
When the rules of mathematics and prudent financial investment are being rewritten daily by the leading practitioners in the financial industries, who needs another Certified Public Accountant or Doctor of Economics trained in the old ways, using the old math? Banks, credit corporations and investment houses won't touch those misinformed fools who think the game is on the level!
Instead, we turn out Doctors of Creative Accounting (DCAs), real-world savvy professionals adept at getting numbers to say whatever the boss needs them to say. Any fool can write "one plus one equals two," and guess what? No one wants to hear that crap anymore!
When $7 trillion "disappeared" in 2008, it only disappeared from some people's pockets and reappeared in the pockets of other people; really, really rich people. Remember, Physics 101 informed us that matter can neither be created or destroyed, and neither can wealth. But as millions and millions of us found out the hard way, it can sure be moved from hand to hand faster than you can say "Impoverished Golden Years."
A doctorate in Creative Accounting from Bocrespo.com University could have armed investors with the knowledge of how today's markets actually work, not how they are supposed to work. Don't forget, the players set the rules these days! Why pretend otherwise? Learn to be a player at BC.CU!
For example, when the drastic over-evaluation of everything that exists, combined with the financial industry's selling Mud Futures and Wind Bonds on world markets as if they were real things, a trained DCA would have bailed, knowing the fix was in, and even turned a tidy profit by betting against his country's economy.
At BC.CU, our curriculum reflects current realities, not academic pipe dreams or antiquated, arbitrary "Scholastic Standards." In keeping with this hard-nose approach to higher education, we will be offering advance university degrees in the following subjects as well:
Doctor of Popular Science: A scientist first and foremost has to eat, just like anybody else, and these days, a scientist's bread is buttered thickest in the employ of large corporations. What is science but explaining the unexplainable to non-scientists? So who's to say what is absolute truth? For all anyone really knows, the world is actually cooling, asbestos is harmless and tobacco is just a fun, cool weed. And with the letters Ph.D after your name, you can command instant respect and a huge salary to explain to the authorities and the general public that your company's policy of dumping oil slag in the local ecosytem is actually vital "Environmental Lubrication."
Doctor of Computer Appropriation: Learn to access information from any computer anywhere. If you are technically gifted and understand computers, why waste your time solving logistics problems for your stupid fat cat bosses at a fraction of their bloated salaries? At BC.CU you will learn how to mine the computer memories of any computer anywhere for the gold that is information in the Information Age, and how to run a bidding war to ensure you are selling your Appropriated Data to the highest bidder. Or you can electronically mine actual gold, mining the bank accounts of others and transferring the contents to a series of untraceable offshore accounts we will teach you to set up. Hackers will inherit the earth, and Doctor Hacker will inherit the lion's share!
Doctor of Political Manipulation (DPM): The modern political landscape is far different from the one still being taught in most universities, but here at BC.CU we teach the Modern Rules of The Game, mainly, that there are no rules anymore! Slander, lies, fear-mongering and histrionics are the hard currency of modern electoral politics, and that's what wins hearts and minds! Especially weak minds, who re eager to contribute money they cannot afford to a cause that promises them unrealistic prosperity. Issues-based political campaigning is a thing of the past and today's candidates run on platforms of demonizing the opposition and accusing them of actively preventing "the rest of us" (always include yourself in the great We) from returning to a fabricated idyllic golden age. It doesn't matter what you tell people what America used to be like before the godless drug addicted transvestites took over, the voters you are targeting know jack about history or the U.S. Constitution.
If that doesn't work you can always steal an election (see above; Doctor of Computer Appropriation). And we teach potential political operatives the latest successful techniques, such as focussing on as broad a base of the white majority as is possible, and convincing them they are an oppressed, long-sufering minority, with the inference being, that somebody is responsible for their downtrodden condition. Let them fill in their own pet "somebodies," and you will win the bigot vote as well. Political fortunes have been made this way. New catch phrase: Selective Inclusion.
Doctor of Journalistics: No, that's not a typo meaning "Doctor of Journalism." Journalistics is the new science of broadcasting, not what is actually happening, any fool can do that, but what you want people to think is happening. Huge dif. Old school schools are turning out unemployable Journalism Majors eager to report world events, dig for facts, obtain quotes from the main players, follow a strict code of ethics and present their findings in a neutral manner and yada yada yada... How yesterday is that? The Journalistician, on the other hand, cuts right to the chase and tells us that Most People Think such-and-such, or better yet, "most right-thinking people," and only then report the news!
We here at bobcrespo.com know that humans want to be right, want to be in some semblance of harmony with their neighbors, and so we teach our Journalisticians to: (A) React with Realistic Irrational Anger (RIA) to a great many things and Weep Buckets (WB) over meaningless things, and (B) edit every story to make it seem that our way of life is being threatened by Godless drug addicted transvestites. Some people desperately want to be part of Most People and will repeat anything you make up off the top of your head as if were proven truth. You will master these skills and many more at BC.CU. This degree is an express elevator to the top of the Big Media pile!
Doctor of Corporatology: Move over Harvard MBAs with all your supply and demand, market forces and good quality for fair prices claptrap! Have you not been following the events of the past decade? Market Motivation is where it's at! Screw what is actually being produced! Forecast Economics is what we teach, to sell your bonds and other financial products based on what they will be worth 2 years from now according to your own best guess. And who's to say for sure the economy won't double in size? If anyone disagrees, let them make up their own rosy forecast and sell their own damned bonds.
That's the beauty of today's market, any number can play! To most people, the market is what the traders say it is, not what is really is. There are countless "expert" forecasters selling their own best guesses to their loyal clients for a tidy profit. That's called Advanced Perception Management and a valuable executive tool in a world where fortunes change hands without so much as a clothespin being manufactured, but instead in the sacred belief that by God, we sure could make a fine clothespin if we felt like it! Nothing less than a Doctorate from Bobcrespo.com Online University will equip you to navigate these high stakes poker games using everyone else's money!
On the above advanced degrees, great fortunes are made. American Business has evolved past the surly physical world of products, assets and production, and into the ethereal realm of gossamer dreams bought and sold with the speed of a game of hot potato, and the last one holding the bag loses. Politics, Science and Journalism have evolved along these lines as well, having finally fallen more into line with what most people think.
Let the "control freaks," "alarmists" and "truth nuts," who spend their days with their noses buried in books or test tubes in their dark and mysterious laboratories and libraries worry about "digging for facts" when the only ones that matter are the facts of life, namely that he who is prepared, eats, and he who is best prepared, eats the most! The Age of Perception Management is upon us and we believe that people deserve an online university they can be proud of, one that supports this nation, our flag, our cherished common values and our valiant soldiers and blessed veterans! Enroll now and get and American Flag lapel pin for a reasonable price!
More importantly, enrolling at BC.CU gives you Student Status, explaining that embarrassing years-long lapse on your work resume that most Americans have these days. Unlike other Online Universities, BC.CU will not offer advanced degrees in the stale old subjects that have been contributing to the complete unemployability of their students. Looking at the moonscape that is today's economy, we are tailoring our curriculum to offer careers in the fields where the money is today: The financial services, politics, computer engineering and popular science.
When the rules of mathematics and prudent financial investment are being rewritten daily by the leading practitioners in the financial industries, who needs another Certified Public Accountant or Doctor of Economics trained in the old ways, using the old math? Banks, credit corporations and investment houses won't touch those misinformed fools who think the game is on the level!
Instead, we turn out Doctors of Creative Accounting (DCAs), real-world savvy professionals adept at getting numbers to say whatever the boss needs them to say. Any fool can write "one plus one equals two," and guess what? No one wants to hear that crap anymore!
When $7 trillion "disappeared" in 2008, it only disappeared from some people's pockets and reappeared in the pockets of other people; really, really rich people. Remember, Physics 101 informed us that matter can neither be created or destroyed, and neither can wealth. But as millions and millions of us found out the hard way, it can sure be moved from hand to hand faster than you can say "Impoverished Golden Years."
A doctorate in Creative Accounting from Bocrespo.com University could have armed investors with the knowledge of how today's markets actually work, not how they are supposed to work. Don't forget, the players set the rules these days! Why pretend otherwise? Learn to be a player at BC.CU!
For example, when the drastic over-evaluation of everything that exists, combined with the financial industry's selling Mud Futures and Wind Bonds on world markets as if they were real things, a trained DCA would have bailed, knowing the fix was in, and even turned a tidy profit by betting against his country's economy.
At BC.CU, our curriculum reflects current realities, not academic pipe dreams or antiquated, arbitrary "Scholastic Standards." In keeping with this hard-nose approach to higher education, we will be offering advance university degrees in the following subjects as well:
Doctor of Popular Science: A scientist first and foremost has to eat, just like anybody else, and these days, a scientist's bread is buttered thickest in the employ of large corporations. What is science but explaining the unexplainable to non-scientists? So who's to say what is absolute truth? For all anyone really knows, the world is actually cooling, asbestos is harmless and tobacco is just a fun, cool weed. And with the letters Ph.D after your name, you can command instant respect and a huge salary to explain to the authorities and the general public that your company's policy of dumping oil slag in the local ecosytem is actually vital "Environmental Lubrication."
Doctor of Computer Appropriation: Learn to access information from any computer anywhere. If you are technically gifted and understand computers, why waste your time solving logistics problems for your stupid fat cat bosses at a fraction of their bloated salaries? At BC.CU you will learn how to mine the computer memories of any computer anywhere for the gold that is information in the Information Age, and how to run a bidding war to ensure you are selling your Appropriated Data to the highest bidder. Or you can electronically mine actual gold, mining the bank accounts of others and transferring the contents to a series of untraceable offshore accounts we will teach you to set up. Hackers will inherit the earth, and Doctor Hacker will inherit the lion's share!
Doctor of Political Manipulation (DPM): The modern political landscape is far different from the one still being taught in most universities, but here at BC.CU we teach the Modern Rules of The Game, mainly, that there are no rules anymore! Slander, lies, fear-mongering and histrionics are the hard currency of modern electoral politics, and that's what wins hearts and minds! Especially weak minds, who re eager to contribute money they cannot afford to a cause that promises them unrealistic prosperity. Issues-based political campaigning is a thing of the past and today's candidates run on platforms of demonizing the opposition and accusing them of actively preventing "the rest of us" (always include yourself in the great We) from returning to a fabricated idyllic golden age. It doesn't matter what you tell people what America used to be like before the godless drug addicted transvestites took over, the voters you are targeting know jack about history or the U.S. Constitution.
If that doesn't work you can always steal an election (see above; Doctor of Computer Appropriation). And we teach potential political operatives the latest successful techniques, such as focussing on as broad a base of the white majority as is possible, and convincing them they are an oppressed, long-sufering minority, with the inference being, that somebody is responsible for their downtrodden condition. Let them fill in their own pet "somebodies," and you will win the bigot vote as well. Political fortunes have been made this way. New catch phrase: Selective Inclusion.
Doctor of Journalistics: No, that's not a typo meaning "Doctor of Journalism." Journalistics is the new science of broadcasting, not what is actually happening, any fool can do that, but what you want people to think is happening. Huge dif. Old school schools are turning out unemployable Journalism Majors eager to report world events, dig for facts, obtain quotes from the main players, follow a strict code of ethics and present their findings in a neutral manner and yada yada yada... How yesterday is that? The Journalistician, on the other hand, cuts right to the chase and tells us that Most People Think such-and-such, or better yet, "most right-thinking people," and only then report the news!
We here at bobcrespo.com know that humans want to be right, want to be in some semblance of harmony with their neighbors, and so we teach our Journalisticians to: (A) React with Realistic Irrational Anger (RIA) to a great many things and Weep Buckets (WB) over meaningless things, and (B) edit every story to make it seem that our way of life is being threatened by Godless drug addicted transvestites. Some people desperately want to be part of Most People and will repeat anything you make up off the top of your head as if were proven truth. You will master these skills and many more at BC.CU. This degree is an express elevator to the top of the Big Media pile!
Doctor of Corporatology: Move over Harvard MBAs with all your supply and demand, market forces and good quality for fair prices claptrap! Have you not been following the events of the past decade? Market Motivation is where it's at! Screw what is actually being produced! Forecast Economics is what we teach, to sell your bonds and other financial products based on what they will be worth 2 years from now according to your own best guess. And who's to say for sure the economy won't double in size? If anyone disagrees, let them make up their own rosy forecast and sell their own damned bonds.
That's the beauty of today's market, any number can play! To most people, the market is what the traders say it is, not what is really is. There are countless "expert" forecasters selling their own best guesses to their loyal clients for a tidy profit. That's called Advanced Perception Management and a valuable executive tool in a world where fortunes change hands without so much as a clothespin being manufactured, but instead in the sacred belief that by God, we sure could make a fine clothespin if we felt like it! Nothing less than a Doctorate from Bobcrespo.com Online University will equip you to navigate these high stakes poker games using everyone else's money!
On the above advanced degrees, great fortunes are made. American Business has evolved past the surly physical world of products, assets and production, and into the ethereal realm of gossamer dreams bought and sold with the speed of a game of hot potato, and the last one holding the bag loses. Politics, Science and Journalism have evolved along these lines as well, having finally fallen more into line with what most people think.
Let the "control freaks," "alarmists" and "truth nuts," who spend their days with their noses buried in books or test tubes in their dark and mysterious laboratories and libraries worry about "digging for facts" when the only ones that matter are the facts of life, namely that he who is prepared, eats, and he who is best prepared, eats the most! The Age of Perception Management is upon us and we believe that people deserve an online university they can be proud of, one that supports this nation, our flag, our cherished common values and our valiant soldiers and blessed veterans! Enroll now and get and American Flag lapel pin for a reasonable price!
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