December 31, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 763
If we could truly expect the unexpected, there would be no surprises. Not ever. Expect to be surprised. If you are not surprised quite often in this life, you're not getting your money's worth.
INTERVIEW WITH BENNY THE DEAD GUY
As a public service, bobcrespo.com from time to time offers interviews with prominent people. You can check our archives for our interviews with Mick Jagger, Willie Randolph, Satan's son, Bush The Younger, Santa Claus and others, as well as our groundbreaking sit-down with the great Elmer Fudd. Today's interview is not of a famous person, but more of the man-in-the-street variety, or more accurately, the man-in-the-casket. For the first time ever, bobcrespo.com has received permission to interview a dead person, to see what insights we can get from beyond the grave. Meet Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: So, Benny, this is it. What can you tell readers of bobcrespo.com about the service you received here at Chillum's Funeral Home?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Okay, Benny, we'll take that as a no comment, and maybe a head's up to the folks here at Chillum's. What about your funeral, Benny? Were you pleased with the turnout?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: By the expression on Benny's face, it appears there were some no-shows. Care to name names, Benny?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Very cagey, Ben. Your expression says it all, they know who they are. So tell us, are you looking forward to your dirt nap?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: You're right, Benny, that was just wrong and didn't deserve an answer. Sorry. I suppose it's difficult to contemplate eternity, even after you're dead, eh?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: You're not helping me out much here with your knowing silence, Benny, it just doesn't translate well to the written page. And your body language is just a little too subtle, pal. The readers here are expecting some insight into death. Can you help us out here?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Okay, if that's how you want to play it, fine! I'll just throw out some autosuggestions, and you twitch or somethning if it rings a bell, do nothing if I'm wrong. Here goes: Did you see God?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Okay, not yet, eh? There must be some sort of screening process before you get to meet the Big Guy. Makes sense... okay then... how about that white light we hear so much about from people with near-death experiences?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: No? I guess that death, like life, is a different experience for everyone. Try this on for size: Pearly Gates!
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Doesn't ring a bell,eh? So tell us, Benny the Dead Guy. what exactly has been your experience with death?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: What about harp music? Or is more like cellos, flutes and violins?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Don't be so coy, Roy, our readers want to know! What's it like to wake up dead?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Well, that does it, Benny The Dead Guy! If you don't want to cooperate, why didn't you just say so in the first place?
Well, that didn't work out as planned. Funny, Benny was all for it before he died, figuring he'd be the first one to give us all a shout out from the other side, but went all unresponsive and silent on us. Apparently something changed his mind. Wonder what that was? Until the next time, this has been an exclusive interview from bobcrespo.com with Benny The Dead Guy.
Benny The Dead Guy: What an asshole! I thought he'd never shut up and go away.
Bobcrespo.com: So, Benny, this is it. What can you tell readers of bobcrespo.com about the service you received here at Chillum's Funeral Home?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Okay, Benny, we'll take that as a no comment, and maybe a head's up to the folks here at Chillum's. What about your funeral, Benny? Were you pleased with the turnout?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: By the expression on Benny's face, it appears there were some no-shows. Care to name names, Benny?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Very cagey, Ben. Your expression says it all, they know who they are. So tell us, are you looking forward to your dirt nap?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: You're right, Benny, that was just wrong and didn't deserve an answer. Sorry. I suppose it's difficult to contemplate eternity, even after you're dead, eh?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: You're not helping me out much here with your knowing silence, Benny, it just doesn't translate well to the written page. And your body language is just a little too subtle, pal. The readers here are expecting some insight into death. Can you help us out here?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Okay, if that's how you want to play it, fine! I'll just throw out some autosuggestions, and you twitch or somethning if it rings a bell, do nothing if I'm wrong. Here goes: Did you see God?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Okay, not yet, eh? There must be some sort of screening process before you get to meet the Big Guy. Makes sense... okay then... how about that white light we hear so much about from people with near-death experiences?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: No? I guess that death, like life, is a different experience for everyone. Try this on for size: Pearly Gates!
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Doesn't ring a bell,eh? So tell us, Benny the Dead Guy. what exactly has been your experience with death?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: What about harp music? Or is more like cellos, flutes and violins?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Don't be so coy, Roy, our readers want to know! What's it like to wake up dead?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Well, that does it, Benny The Dead Guy! If you don't want to cooperate, why didn't you just say so in the first place?
Well, that didn't work out as planned. Funny, Benny was all for it before he died, figuring he'd be the first one to give us all a shout out from the other side, but went all unresponsive and silent on us. Apparently something changed his mind. Wonder what that was? Until the next time, this has been an exclusive interview from bobcrespo.com with Benny The Dead Guy.
Benny The Dead Guy: What an asshole! I thought he'd never shut up and go away.
December 28, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 762
Don't shoot the messenger, unless of course he's a really annoying messenger. After all, there's only so much one can take on top of bad news. Bearers of ill tidings, tread lightly.
THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN SNOWBOUND
For a great many citizens of the northeastern parts of the United States, the past couple of days have found them snowbound by a vast blizzard. This was one those doozies where even snow ploughs are getting stuck in the drifts. Any thoughts of getting out and about are quashed with a quick peek out the window. So now you're stuck in the house for a couple of days, wondering what to do with yourself, maybe thinking you can catch up on all those household chores you've been meaning to get around to.
Or not. You can shovel your sidewalk and dig out your car since that's the reflexive thing to do, but this time you're not going anywhere until the snow plows reach your street, hopefully before you miss too much work and everyone realizes that the place functions just fine without you and whatever it is you do all day long. So there's that pressure to deal with. How to pass the time?
Well, we here at bobcrespo.com figure "to each, his own " when it comes to dealing with cabin fever. Some prefer drinking themselves numb, others curl up with a good book and a cup of hot chocolate, some of us build snowmen with the little ones and then go inside for board games and jigsaw puzzles, while some people actually do catch up with their domestic chores (Go figure those nuts!). There are some housebound activities, however, we feel are important to avoid. Don't go here:
Law & Order Marathons: At this point every American has seen every episode of Law & Order at least 5 times. Besides, Law & Order Marathons are reserved for bouts of insomnia and aggressive procrastination.
Home Remodeling: Who cares if you've got all the tools and materials handy? They've been there for months waiting for you to get off your ass, Christmas has come and gone, and now you want to make the house all dusty? Dream on, Bob The Builder, and go shovel the driveway!
Learn a New Language: Unless you live alone, no one wants to hear your endless mispronunciation of getting directions to the rest room in German.
Rearrange your closets: You just did that, digging out your boots, parkas, gloves, scarves and snow shovels. Get used to the wet newspapers, the clutter by the door and not being able to find anything until further notice.
Practice your "Flaming Batons" juggling act: This one is self-explanatory, with a double advisory for those with real Christmas trees, which by this time are generally a headline waiting to happen.
Fix the Fireplace: There's nothing like a cozy fire to while away the snowbound hours with loved ones, but if you cannot remember the last time you actually used your fireplace, this is not an optimal time to find out whether or not your carbon monoxide detector is working.
Read or watch anything about The Donner Party: Nothing good can come of this.
Make life-altering decisions: You're snowbound, and so not in your right mind. You're covered in black soot, your head is spinning from Law & Order episodes, German lessons and visions of cannibalism. This is not the time to decide you really want to chuck it all and join the circus as a juggler.
Or not. You can shovel your sidewalk and dig out your car since that's the reflexive thing to do, but this time you're not going anywhere until the snow plows reach your street, hopefully before you miss too much work and everyone realizes that the place functions just fine without you and whatever it is you do all day long. So there's that pressure to deal with. How to pass the time?
Well, we here at bobcrespo.com figure "to each, his own " when it comes to dealing with cabin fever. Some prefer drinking themselves numb, others curl up with a good book and a cup of hot chocolate, some of us build snowmen with the little ones and then go inside for board games and jigsaw puzzles, while some people actually do catch up with their domestic chores (Go figure those nuts!). There are some housebound activities, however, we feel are important to avoid. Don't go here:
Law & Order Marathons: At this point every American has seen every episode of Law & Order at least 5 times. Besides, Law & Order Marathons are reserved for bouts of insomnia and aggressive procrastination.
Home Remodeling: Who cares if you've got all the tools and materials handy? They've been there for months waiting for you to get off your ass, Christmas has come and gone, and now you want to make the house all dusty? Dream on, Bob The Builder, and go shovel the driveway!
Learn a New Language: Unless you live alone, no one wants to hear your endless mispronunciation of getting directions to the rest room in German.
Rearrange your closets: You just did that, digging out your boots, parkas, gloves, scarves and snow shovels. Get used to the wet newspapers, the clutter by the door and not being able to find anything until further notice.
Practice your "Flaming Batons" juggling act: This one is self-explanatory, with a double advisory for those with real Christmas trees, which by this time are generally a headline waiting to happen.
Fix the Fireplace: There's nothing like a cozy fire to while away the snowbound hours with loved ones, but if you cannot remember the last time you actually used your fireplace, this is not an optimal time to find out whether or not your carbon monoxide detector is working.
Read or watch anything about The Donner Party: Nothing good can come of this.
Make life-altering decisions: You're snowbound, and so not in your right mind. You're covered in black soot, your head is spinning from Law & Order episodes, German lessons and visions of cannibalism. This is not the time to decide you really want to chuck it all and join the circus as a juggler.
December 26, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 761
Everywhere you go you see the same thing; people, more than you can count. You'd have to work pretty damned hard not to make at least a few friends
PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR 2010
Christmas is over and you know what that means; It's Prediction Time! Once again, bobcrespo.com is on the cutting age of sure-fire predictions guaranteed to come true. How do we do it, you ask? Simple, we don't bother looking into the future, that's for cranks and gullible fools. We go right for the jugular, folks, and give you predictions for the past year! In 50 years, who's going to have the better record for predicting events, the visionary crackpots or bobcrespo.com? Move over, Nostradamus, and we're not giving it to you in riddles like he did, either, we're naming names and spelling them right! Aron Hister, my ass! These things will really happen! Here goes:
Charlie Sheen will get into hooker, drugs and booze trouble for the umpteenth time, resulting in no consequences for his freedom and lucrative acting career.
Lindsay Lohan will act just like Charlie Sheen, resulting in much negative publicity, jail time, forced rehab and a stalled career. Can you say "Double Standard," boys and girls?
Continuing its rich tradition of giving the job of Speaker of The House to their most useless and absurd member, The U.S. House of Representatives will reward Representative John Boehner with the Speakership of the upcoming 112th Congress for buffoonery above and beyond the call of duty.
President Obama will finally get the hang of getting his policies ratified by Congress at the end of the year, after it dawned on him that all he had to do to win Republican votes was to bribe the greedy sons-of-bitches.
The San Francisco Giants will win the World Series behind the pitching of starter TIm Lincecum and closer Brian Wilson, the longest shot and most unheralded team to do so in years.
An oddball semi-albino from Australia, the enigmatic Julian Assange, will attempt to shake up the world by releasing hundreds of thousands of classified documents on his website, Wikileaks.com. War crimes, gross stupidity, pettiness and greed on the part of world governments, multinational corporations, Big Religion and Big Media are spread over the internet for all to see, and the world will react with a rousing "Ho-hum."
Iran and North Korea will edge closer to building their own nuclear weapons, and generally annoy the crap out of the rest of the world for no apparent reason. Their respective leaders, Mahmoud Ahmadinijad and Kim Jong Il, take turns vying for the coveted Most Annoying Little Prick on Earth Award.
Sarah Palin, out to wrest the Fox News Award for Stupidest Public Figure from Glen Beck, will pick a fight with Michelle Obama for having the gall to encourage American children to eat healthier food. The First Lady won't seem to notice and will continued her despicable leftist campaign to promote nutrition, education, personal responsibility and excellence among America's youth. Ms. Palin will rally the fat, ignorant, underachieving demographic for support in this matter.
Not to be outdone in the Public Stupidity Department, Glen Beck organizes a rally designed to "rededicate America to God," in spite of the fact that this is illegal. Claiming a spiritual kinship to the late Martin Luther King, his "rally" will draw about 20,000 lunatics, racists, gun nuts and Christian Fascists, accompanied by 80,000 reporters.
British Petroleum will attempt to create the biggest petroleum reserve on earth by displacing all the water in the Gulf of Mexico with crude oil. Those living along the southern coast of the United States will strongly object and the plan is scrapped.
The President, Congress and the Federal regulatory agencies will forget to prosecute the vast majority of criminals in the financial industries or to implement new rules to prevent them from continuing the fraudulent practices and outright theft that blew up the entire world economy in 2008. These titans of high finance will show their gratitude by implementing a new round of predatory practices while helping themselves to hundreds of millions of dollars of other people's money in the form of bonuses. Asked about this glaring omission, President Obama simply said; "Slipped my mind. My bad!"
The two wars in Afghanistan and Iraq will drag on, marked by insurgencies, suicide bombings, government corruption and gross incompetence, and the complete absence of capturing Osama bin Laden, the only reason for both wars in the first place. The Army tired of that game of Where's Waldo years ago in favor of a strategy of having our soldiers walk around with machine guns or ride in trucks waiting for the next suicide bomber or ragtag group of insurgents to strike, while simultaneously bribing local warlords with millions in shrink-wrapped bundles of cash not to suicide bomb or ambush our soldiers. President Obama will like this idea so much that he will send in 30,000 more American troops and billions more in bribe money, and that will be so much fun he will consider expanding the war into Pakistan.
The Tea Party, originally created and controlled by Republicans to do the dirty work of spreading fear and disinformation, will turn the tables on the GOP by taking it over completely and purging its ranks of anyone with either brains or integrity. With their new-found influence, the Tea Partiers will begin a campaign to convince dumb guys that the South really won the Civil War, America's State Religion used to be Baptist until it was changed to Islam by our Kenyan President, and that poor people are conspiring to claim squatter's rights to a half-million foreclosed homes.
There will be a devastating earthquake in Haiti that will nearly destroy the capital city of Port Au Prince, and after an overwhelming influx of international aid, Haiti will be left to rot and die while our computer-shortened attention spans move on the the next shiny object.
Big media will create a firestorm when it attempts to goose ratings during a slow news cycle by objecting to the location a mosque in Manhattan that had been under construction for over a year, claiming it is too close to where the World Trade Center used to be. A few judiously-placed hate slogans will be all it takes to get the squeakiest wheels in the Tea party to revive their Brown Shirts sidewalk act and take it on the road. From that point on the stores will write themselves and the advertising revenue will roll in for coverage of the "Ground Zero Mosque," as it will come to be called.
There will be 41 miners rescued from a collapsed coal mine in Chile after being buried a mile underground for 69 days. Upon emerging from what they thought we would be their tomb on October 13, the first question all of them will ask their rescuers will be: "You people knew about these rescue pods before the collapse?"
The Supreme Court will finally make it official that multinational corporations now have their own special designation; U.S. Megacitizen, and as such are freely allowed to buy election results. When asked for a clarification of this ruling, Chief Justice John Roberts will explain: "In America, the law treats all people as equals. Megacitizens are like people, only more equal."
Dubai will complete their mile-high tower, The Burg Dubai, just as the last of the Eurotrash skip out on their opulent condos in the middle of the night, sticking Dubai with the tab for 5 years worth of their credit-fueled decadence. Heads will roll at the palace.
The Winter Olympics will be held in the nation that invented winter, Canada. Few will notice.
Emulating Ancient China, the State if Arizona will erect a wall along the Mexican border. It won't work any better at keeping out immigrants than the Great Wall did, but canny Arizona investors figure it will pay off in big tourist dollars in about a thousand years.
More that 20 million people will die a slow horrible death in 2010. No emergency will be declared, no headlines generated and very little help will be provided for the victims of starvation, 85% of them children under 5.
Charlie Sheen will get into hooker, drugs and booze trouble for the umpteenth time, resulting in no consequences for his freedom and lucrative acting career.
Lindsay Lohan will act just like Charlie Sheen, resulting in much negative publicity, jail time, forced rehab and a stalled career. Can you say "Double Standard," boys and girls?
Continuing its rich tradition of giving the job of Speaker of The House to their most useless and absurd member, The U.S. House of Representatives will reward Representative John Boehner with the Speakership of the upcoming 112th Congress for buffoonery above and beyond the call of duty.
President Obama will finally get the hang of getting his policies ratified by Congress at the end of the year, after it dawned on him that all he had to do to win Republican votes was to bribe the greedy sons-of-bitches.
The San Francisco Giants will win the World Series behind the pitching of starter TIm Lincecum and closer Brian Wilson, the longest shot and most unheralded team to do so in years.
An oddball semi-albino from Australia, the enigmatic Julian Assange, will attempt to shake up the world by releasing hundreds of thousands of classified documents on his website, Wikileaks.com. War crimes, gross stupidity, pettiness and greed on the part of world governments, multinational corporations, Big Religion and Big Media are spread over the internet for all to see, and the world will react with a rousing "Ho-hum."
Iran and North Korea will edge closer to building their own nuclear weapons, and generally annoy the crap out of the rest of the world for no apparent reason. Their respective leaders, Mahmoud Ahmadinijad and Kim Jong Il, take turns vying for the coveted Most Annoying Little Prick on Earth Award.
Sarah Palin, out to wrest the Fox News Award for Stupidest Public Figure from Glen Beck, will pick a fight with Michelle Obama for having the gall to encourage American children to eat healthier food. The First Lady won't seem to notice and will continued her despicable leftist campaign to promote nutrition, education, personal responsibility and excellence among America's youth. Ms. Palin will rally the fat, ignorant, underachieving demographic for support in this matter.
Not to be outdone in the Public Stupidity Department, Glen Beck organizes a rally designed to "rededicate America to God," in spite of the fact that this is illegal. Claiming a spiritual kinship to the late Martin Luther King, his "rally" will draw about 20,000 lunatics, racists, gun nuts and Christian Fascists, accompanied by 80,000 reporters.
British Petroleum will attempt to create the biggest petroleum reserve on earth by displacing all the water in the Gulf of Mexico with crude oil. Those living along the southern coast of the United States will strongly object and the plan is scrapped.
The President, Congress and the Federal regulatory agencies will forget to prosecute the vast majority of criminals in the financial industries or to implement new rules to prevent them from continuing the fraudulent practices and outright theft that blew up the entire world economy in 2008. These titans of high finance will show their gratitude by implementing a new round of predatory practices while helping themselves to hundreds of millions of dollars of other people's money in the form of bonuses. Asked about this glaring omission, President Obama simply said; "Slipped my mind. My bad!"
The two wars in Afghanistan and Iraq will drag on, marked by insurgencies, suicide bombings, government corruption and gross incompetence, and the complete absence of capturing Osama bin Laden, the only reason for both wars in the first place. The Army tired of that game of Where's Waldo years ago in favor of a strategy of having our soldiers walk around with machine guns or ride in trucks waiting for the next suicide bomber or ragtag group of insurgents to strike, while simultaneously bribing local warlords with millions in shrink-wrapped bundles of cash not to suicide bomb or ambush our soldiers. President Obama will like this idea so much that he will send in 30,000 more American troops and billions more in bribe money, and that will be so much fun he will consider expanding the war into Pakistan.
The Tea Party, originally created and controlled by Republicans to do the dirty work of spreading fear and disinformation, will turn the tables on the GOP by taking it over completely and purging its ranks of anyone with either brains or integrity. With their new-found influence, the Tea Partiers will begin a campaign to convince dumb guys that the South really won the Civil War, America's State Religion used to be Baptist until it was changed to Islam by our Kenyan President, and that poor people are conspiring to claim squatter's rights to a half-million foreclosed homes.
There will be a devastating earthquake in Haiti that will nearly destroy the capital city of Port Au Prince, and after an overwhelming influx of international aid, Haiti will be left to rot and die while our computer-shortened attention spans move on the the next shiny object.
Big media will create a firestorm when it attempts to goose ratings during a slow news cycle by objecting to the location a mosque in Manhattan that had been under construction for over a year, claiming it is too close to where the World Trade Center used to be. A few judiously-placed hate slogans will be all it takes to get the squeakiest wheels in the Tea party to revive their Brown Shirts sidewalk act and take it on the road. From that point on the stores will write themselves and the advertising revenue will roll in for coverage of the "Ground Zero Mosque," as it will come to be called.
There will be 41 miners rescued from a collapsed coal mine in Chile after being buried a mile underground for 69 days. Upon emerging from what they thought we would be their tomb on October 13, the first question all of them will ask their rescuers will be: "You people knew about these rescue pods before the collapse?"
The Supreme Court will finally make it official that multinational corporations now have their own special designation; U.S. Megacitizen, and as such are freely allowed to buy election results. When asked for a clarification of this ruling, Chief Justice John Roberts will explain: "In America, the law treats all people as equals. Megacitizens are like people, only more equal."
Dubai will complete their mile-high tower, The Burg Dubai, just as the last of the Eurotrash skip out on their opulent condos in the middle of the night, sticking Dubai with the tab for 5 years worth of their credit-fueled decadence. Heads will roll at the palace.
The Winter Olympics will be held in the nation that invented winter, Canada. Few will notice.
Emulating Ancient China, the State if Arizona will erect a wall along the Mexican border. It won't work any better at keeping out immigrants than the Great Wall did, but canny Arizona investors figure it will pay off in big tourist dollars in about a thousand years.
More that 20 million people will die a slow horrible death in 2010. No emergency will be declared, no headlines generated and very little help will be provided for the victims of starvation, 85% of them children under 5.
December 19, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 760
Nobody loves you like your dog, who sees only perfection. The cat, on the other hand, sees a whole lot of room for improvement.
TWITTER TO SANTA CLAUS
It's never to early too get your letter to Santa Claus sent. Early bird catches the worm and all that. Why wait until December when he's inundated with millions of requests for Tickle Me Elmo dolls and iPhones? So the thinking here is that this year we get the drop on America's retailers and Greeting Card companies that kick off Christmas season simultaneously with Halloween, and treat it with about the same reverence. So, in the spirit of modernism, let's Tweet Santa our unreasonable demands this year. Outside of his mode of transportation, Santa Claus has always kept up with the latest technology. How else can he keep track of the exploding population? He's all about the technology and cutting his work load.
He's got that whole naughty and nice deal down a science these days, having subcontracted that work to a statistics company in India. This way he's free to read all the e-mails and twitters he gets requesting this gift or that and can quickly download who's deserving of an X Box who gets the lump of coal. He actually encourages the use of Twitter due to its electronically enforced brevity, that 140 character limit. So, in the interest of science and in the spirit of Christmas, bobcrespo.com has collected some of the early Tweets to Santa Claus from some prominent people. An added bonus is that this early in the season he even has the time to reply to the tweets. Here goes:
Santa - Thanks for the bonus last year. Have already spent it and am hoping to get a bigger one this Xmas, LOL. - The Big Bank Dawg
Don't hold your breath, Dawg. Looks like you'll have to make due on your $3 mil salary this year. The Mrs. is still PO'd about the millions in cash I gave away last season. - Santa
Dear Santa - You are my BFF and I just know you'll get me a new reality show! The one I have really stinks. - Paris
Dear Paris - Not to be a spoil sport, my dear, but haven't all your shows really stunk? Maybe the problem isn't the show, kiddo. Just a thought. - Santa
Santafier - Hopin' you could see your way clear to get me one of them nifty jet pilot costumes. Mr. Cheney took mine away when I was done Presidentiating. - Dubya
Dubya - You are still one dumb son-of-a-bitch and I'll always regret my gift to you of the 2000 election. Lose my Twitter address. -Santa
Claus - Here's what I want and it's a fabulous idea: You and me, reality show: "Trump Vs. Claus." We battle it out for who gets to sponsor Xmas. - The Donald
Dear The - I'll have you for breakfast, pompous fool. You're on! Only we call it "Claus Vs Trump." - The Santa
Claus - Title change is a deal breaker. Everybody knows the Trump name represents quality and fabulousness. - The Donald
The - Get real, Perry Combover! I was a household name before you dreamt of your first trophy wife, who if you recall, was a Christmas present from yours truly! Deal's off! - Claus
Claus - You'll be hearing from my attorneys, fat man. - The Donald
Dear Chump - Bring 'em on! You think Santa's afraid of your lawyers? I'll cross you all off my list! The Claus
Dear Santa, I know this might not be up your alley, but can you maybe slow down my wife's aging process? She's starting to look like my Mom and my Twitter fans are getting creeped out. - Ashton Kutcher
Dear Ashton - Who told you to marry granny, you dope? I'm Santa Claus, not Jesus! Have you seen Mrs. Claus? Best I can do is a couple of rounds of Botox treatments or a splashy divorce, your call - Santa
Santa - I think I'll go with the Botox deal. There's always next Christmas for the divorce. - Ashton
Asston - You greedy young punk! Just for that I'm giving your wife a handsome young pool boy this year who adores older women. - Santa
Dear Santa - Thanks for the new liver. One drawback, though. It has no Aps, can only do regular liver functions. Can anything be done about that this Christmas? -Steve Jobs
Steve - What can be done is you can thank God, you arrogant buffoon! A man died to give you that liver! And this Christmas you're getting some grown-up clothes. You can't be the boy genius in blue jeans for 30 years. -Santa
Dear Santa - I don't want anything for myself, only for you to rain hell fire on the liberals, the non-believing pagans and the Socialists who are staining my America. -Glen Beck
Dear Glen - You're scaring me, boy. Seek help ASAP! - Santa
Santa - I was wondering if you could provide me with something to do, maybe spark another race riot ala Rodney King or something big like that. Since Obama got elected no one listens when I yell at white folks. - Jesse Jackson
Dear Jesse - Get over it. Santa has given you many charismatic and oratorical gifts over the years and you used them to divide instead of unite. I gave you Dr. King as a teacher, too, but you didn't pay attention. This year it's a bottle of Old Spice and a red tie like the rest of the retired Grandpas. -Santa
Infidel Dog - As a Muslim I do not believe in you, but can' help but notice the many gifts you have bestowed upon America, or as we like to call it, The Great Satan. Can you give me the global voice I so deserve? - Ayatollah Ali Khameini, Supreme Leader of Iran
Dear El Supremo - Sure, you can make world headlines in a flash if you admit there was a holocaust, stop trying to enslave your women and ditch the stonings and beheadings already. Maybe lose the Merlin the Magician robe too. - Santa
Infidel Dog - Take all my fun away, Pawn of Satan! I knew you were in league with the enemies of God. I shall issue a fatwah upon you! - Ali Khameini
El Supremo - A fatwah? I'm already pretty fat, but go right ahead. The more of me, the merrier, as Mrs. Claus likes to say. My gift to you this Christmas will be a gift to the entire world. I will leave you unchanged so we all continue to be amused by your whacky antics. Jim Carey's got nothing on you, Supremo, LOL! - Santa Claus, Supreme Leader of The North Pole
He's got that whole naughty and nice deal down a science these days, having subcontracted that work to a statistics company in India. This way he's free to read all the e-mails and twitters he gets requesting this gift or that and can quickly download who's deserving of an X Box who gets the lump of coal. He actually encourages the use of Twitter due to its electronically enforced brevity, that 140 character limit. So, in the interest of science and in the spirit of Christmas, bobcrespo.com has collected some of the early Tweets to Santa Claus from some prominent people. An added bonus is that this early in the season he even has the time to reply to the tweets. Here goes:
Santa - Thanks for the bonus last year. Have already spent it and am hoping to get a bigger one this Xmas, LOL. - The Big Bank Dawg
Don't hold your breath, Dawg. Looks like you'll have to make due on your $3 mil salary this year. The Mrs. is still PO'd about the millions in cash I gave away last season. - Santa
Dear Santa - You are my BFF and I just know you'll get me a new reality show! The one I have really stinks. - Paris
Dear Paris - Not to be a spoil sport, my dear, but haven't all your shows really stunk? Maybe the problem isn't the show, kiddo. Just a thought. - Santa
Santafier - Hopin' you could see your way clear to get me one of them nifty jet pilot costumes. Mr. Cheney took mine away when I was done Presidentiating. - Dubya
Dubya - You are still one dumb son-of-a-bitch and I'll always regret my gift to you of the 2000 election. Lose my Twitter address. -Santa
Claus - Here's what I want and it's a fabulous idea: You and me, reality show: "Trump Vs. Claus." We battle it out for who gets to sponsor Xmas. - The Donald
Dear The - I'll have you for breakfast, pompous fool. You're on! Only we call it "Claus Vs Trump." - The Santa
Claus - Title change is a deal breaker. Everybody knows the Trump name represents quality and fabulousness. - The Donald
The - Get real, Perry Combover! I was a household name before you dreamt of your first trophy wife, who if you recall, was a Christmas present from yours truly! Deal's off! - Claus
Claus - You'll be hearing from my attorneys, fat man. - The Donald
Dear Chump - Bring 'em on! You think Santa's afraid of your lawyers? I'll cross you all off my list! The Claus
Dear Santa, I know this might not be up your alley, but can you maybe slow down my wife's aging process? She's starting to look like my Mom and my Twitter fans are getting creeped out. - Ashton Kutcher
Dear Ashton - Who told you to marry granny, you dope? I'm Santa Claus, not Jesus! Have you seen Mrs. Claus? Best I can do is a couple of rounds of Botox treatments or a splashy divorce, your call - Santa
Santa - I think I'll go with the Botox deal. There's always next Christmas for the divorce. - Ashton
Asston - You greedy young punk! Just for that I'm giving your wife a handsome young pool boy this year who adores older women. - Santa
Dear Santa - Thanks for the new liver. One drawback, though. It has no Aps, can only do regular liver functions. Can anything be done about that this Christmas? -Steve Jobs
Steve - What can be done is you can thank God, you arrogant buffoon! A man died to give you that liver! And this Christmas you're getting some grown-up clothes. You can't be the boy genius in blue jeans for 30 years. -Santa
Dear Santa - I don't want anything for myself, only for you to rain hell fire on the liberals, the non-believing pagans and the Socialists who are staining my America. -Glen Beck
Dear Glen - You're scaring me, boy. Seek help ASAP! - Santa
Santa - I was wondering if you could provide me with something to do, maybe spark another race riot ala Rodney King or something big like that. Since Obama got elected no one listens when I yell at white folks. - Jesse Jackson
Dear Jesse - Get over it. Santa has given you many charismatic and oratorical gifts over the years and you used them to divide instead of unite. I gave you Dr. King as a teacher, too, but you didn't pay attention. This year it's a bottle of Old Spice and a red tie like the rest of the retired Grandpas. -Santa
Infidel Dog - As a Muslim I do not believe in you, but can' help but notice the many gifts you have bestowed upon America, or as we like to call it, The Great Satan. Can you give me the global voice I so deserve? - Ayatollah Ali Khameini, Supreme Leader of Iran
Dear El Supremo - Sure, you can make world headlines in a flash if you admit there was a holocaust, stop trying to enslave your women and ditch the stonings and beheadings already. Maybe lose the Merlin the Magician robe too. - Santa
Infidel Dog - Take all my fun away, Pawn of Satan! I knew you were in league with the enemies of God. I shall issue a fatwah upon you! - Ali Khameini
El Supremo - A fatwah? I'm already pretty fat, but go right ahead. The more of me, the merrier, as Mrs. Claus likes to say. My gift to you this Christmas will be a gift to the entire world. I will leave you unchanged so we all continue to be amused by your whacky antics. Jim Carey's got nothing on you, Supremo, LOL! - Santa Claus, Supreme Leader of The North Pole
December 16, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 759
People who tell you that what you see clearly with your own eyes is not really what is happening are either blind, nuts or politicians.
MORE DISTURBING REVELATIONS AND TIPPITY TOP TOP SECRET DOCUMENTS FROM WICKEDLEAK.NET!
Tallyrand D'Antoine here, from a new undisclosed location, far, far away from my previous undisclosed location. A tip to my pursuers: don't bother trying to trace this URL address since this is being written on a disposable cell phone, which is quite a chore with this tiny friggin' Mickley Mouse keyboard, let me tell you! Anyway, wickedleak.net is beyond your reach, Big Brother! Our geeks are better than your geeks, and we know who yours are, so there! The following is a synopsis of some of the sensitive documents hidden from you by Big Government, Big Business, Big Religion and Big Media. But truth, like the sun, the moon and the stars, cannot long remain hidden. And to gain the support of the attention-deprived, the strategically placed bold lettering allows us to insinuate all sorts of other terrible things without a shred of proof! We have come into possession of corroborating documentation of the following truths:
Mob boss Sam Giancanna was the man behind the assassination of John F. Kendall of Ames, Iowa in October, 1963 when his hired hit men misunderstood his whispered instructions. Mr. Kendall owned a sporting goods store and had never shown the slightest interest in either politics or the Mafia, and until now this case has gone unsolved.
Since he left office in 2000, former President Bill Clinton has slept with the wives of most of the NATO heads of state, and was asked to leave France after a lengthy "World Hunger Seminar" with the French First Lady, Carla Bruni.
The phones on President George W. Bush's desk weren't connected.
Former Speaker of The House of Representatives back in to '90s, Newt Gingrich, got very upset when his fellow Republicans removed a clause in their Contract With America that stated that "the party of the first part, Newton Gingrich, shall be henceforth referred to as 'Grand Exalted Eminence' instead of Mr. Speaker."
The management of CNN realized early on that a 24/7/365 news channel would have a hard time finding enough news content to sustain interest. Internal e-mails and memos prove that they started a "News Generation Department" that instigated wars in several small nations, purchased sea-worthy craft and automatic weapons for Somali Pirates and sent operatives to Hollywood armed with anti-inhibitor drugs to administer to Lindsay Lohan, investments that paid off handsomely in sensational headlines.
The Catholic Church has long suppressed authentic chronicles of Christ's "missing years," between the ages of 10 and 30, that describe his career as a successful professional clown for children's birthday parties, performing all sort of miracles for the tots' amusement. "Jesus: The Balloon Animal Years," is now available at wickedleak.net.
Kim Jong Il of North Korea is the president of the Justin Bieber Fan Club, East Asia Chapter, and has offered young Mr. Bieber the chance to replace his fat idiotic son as his eventual successor if he takes the name Kimjustin Jong Il II.
Playboy Magazine offered Sarah Palin a million dollars to pose naked, but Playboy readers chipped in to pay Ms. Palin $2 million to turn them down.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin (CIA codename: Stalin Lite), has issued an executive order making it illegal to point out that Russia isn't scaring the crap out of anyone anymore.
Surprising even his closest intimates, former President George W. Bush has chosen his official portrait for his Presidential Library; an oil painting of himself and his "special friend," Saudi Prince Abdullah, sharing a milk shake with 2 straws and holding hands at the local ice cream parlor in Crawford, Texas.
When John Roberts was sworn in as Chief Justice of The Supreme Court, his first official act was to hire Bert, the courtroom security guard on "Judge Judy" in order to "add some pizzazz to this friggin' mausoleum." Roberts also vowed to donate half his wardrobe budget to charity since he wouldn't be needing pants anymore, telling anyone who would listen that "the best part of The Black Robe is going commando." When asked about this in an interview with Atlantic Monthly, he further explained; "It frees my mind too, you know."
Tallyrand D'Antoine signing off and moving on. Visit bobcrespo.com for new Top Secret revelations that the powerful ruling elite wishes to keep secret. We know things....
Mob boss Sam Giancanna was the man behind the assassination of John F. Kendall of Ames, Iowa in October, 1963 when his hired hit men misunderstood his whispered instructions. Mr. Kendall owned a sporting goods store and had never shown the slightest interest in either politics or the Mafia, and until now this case has gone unsolved.
Since he left office in 2000, former President Bill Clinton has slept with the wives of most of the NATO heads of state, and was asked to leave France after a lengthy "World Hunger Seminar" with the French First Lady, Carla Bruni.
The phones on President George W. Bush's desk weren't connected.
Former Speaker of The House of Representatives back in to '90s, Newt Gingrich, got very upset when his fellow Republicans removed a clause in their Contract With America that stated that "the party of the first part, Newton Gingrich, shall be henceforth referred to as 'Grand Exalted Eminence' instead of Mr. Speaker."
The management of CNN realized early on that a 24/7/365 news channel would have a hard time finding enough news content to sustain interest. Internal e-mails and memos prove that they started a "News Generation Department" that instigated wars in several small nations, purchased sea-worthy craft and automatic weapons for Somali Pirates and sent operatives to Hollywood armed with anti-inhibitor drugs to administer to Lindsay Lohan, investments that paid off handsomely in sensational headlines.
The Catholic Church has long suppressed authentic chronicles of Christ's "missing years," between the ages of 10 and 30, that describe his career as a successful professional clown for children's birthday parties, performing all sort of miracles for the tots' amusement. "Jesus: The Balloon Animal Years," is now available at wickedleak.net.
Kim Jong Il of North Korea is the president of the Justin Bieber Fan Club, East Asia Chapter, and has offered young Mr. Bieber the chance to replace his fat idiotic son as his eventual successor if he takes the name Kimjustin Jong Il II.
Playboy Magazine offered Sarah Palin a million dollars to pose naked, but Playboy readers chipped in to pay Ms. Palin $2 million to turn them down.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin (CIA codename: Stalin Lite), has issued an executive order making it illegal to point out that Russia isn't scaring the crap out of anyone anymore.
Surprising even his closest intimates, former President George W. Bush has chosen his official portrait for his Presidential Library; an oil painting of himself and his "special friend," Saudi Prince Abdullah, sharing a milk shake with 2 straws and holding hands at the local ice cream parlor in Crawford, Texas.
When John Roberts was sworn in as Chief Justice of The Supreme Court, his first official act was to hire Bert, the courtroom security guard on "Judge Judy" in order to "add some pizzazz to this friggin' mausoleum." Roberts also vowed to donate half his wardrobe budget to charity since he wouldn't be needing pants anymore, telling anyone who would listen that "the best part of The Black Robe is going commando." When asked about this in an interview with Atlantic Monthly, he further explained; "It frees my mind too, you know."
Tallyrand D'Antoine signing off and moving on. Visit bobcrespo.com for new Top Secret revelations that the powerful ruling elite wishes to keep secret. We know things....
December 14, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 758
Truth and beauty is the quest of great art, no small achievement considering the materials at hand.
SOME LESSER KNOWN LEAKED DOCUMENTS FROM WICKEDLEAK.NET
Tallyrand D'Antoine here, of wickedleak.net, reporting from an undisclosed location. The people here at bobcrespo.com have shown themselves to be the only major website willing to risk their necks to reveal the truth to the world, and so have graciously offered wickedleak a forum after we were shut down by the authorities. We have in our possession many sensitive documents and e-mails that could prove embarrassing to powerful world leaders in various governments, multinational corporations, show business and the mass media. The incarceration and persecution of Julian Assange will not slow the flood of confidential documents to the public, this we vow! The following is a synopsis of some of the most volatile revelations we have uncovered. Judge for yourself:
President Barack Obama buys his cigarettes over the internet from an Indian reservation in Oklahoma, avoiding local and federal taxes.
Incoming Speaker of the House John Boehner's orange skin is the result of a DNA experiment gone terribly wrong. He was aiming for Grinch green. And the actual pronunciation of his name really is "boner," just like his college classmates called him.
The banking/investment giant, Goldman Sachs, has made an aggressive bid to acquire the U.S. Treasury, or at least that portion of it not already in its possession.
It turns out that the TV program, "The X-Files" was in fact a documentary made from U.S. Government archives about actual cases and real people.
The President of China, Hu Jintao, has a Twitter account under the name "Candypants from Malibu" with a million and a half followers.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had her husband fitted with a sophisticated electronic GPS bracelet disguised as a wristwatch to monitor his movements, but after only a week or so, former President Bill Clinton short-circuited it in a bubble bath with several interns at a Holiday Inn in Idaho.
The owner of Fox News, Rupert Murdoch, circulated an internal memo banning his on-air employees from using the term "creepy old douchebag."
The late Senator Ted Kennedy did not die of brain cancer as was widely reported, but instead succumbed to rickets.
Former Alaska Governor turned Cheerleader-in-Chief for the Tea Party, Sarah Palin, has said that if she is elected President in 2012, she will straighten out this county in 2 years, then resign to pursue her true passion; taxidermy. So far none of her aides has had the heart to tell her that this is not exactly what most people have in mind when the conversation turns to preserving endangered species.
Bull O'Really, Cable TV blowhard, prevailed over Headrush Limberger in a nude wrestling match in early 2010 to determine who will be the leader of the neo-con movement and, flush with victory, has challenged the #1 contender, Glen Bucks, to a cage match for the undisputed Flabbyweight title.
Muammar Khadaffy of Libya, accused of keeping company with a Ukranian prostitute, has vehemently denied the charge, claiming his Ukranian "nurse" is simply his fashion designer and Executive Wardrobe Consultant.
With Ted Kennedy gone, Keith Olberman of MSNBC has contacted the Guinness Book of World Records to claim the "Largest Human Head" title. Lawyers for Barry Bonds are disputing Olberman's claim.
In what could prove to be a devastating blow tho the fashion industry, it has been revealed that industry-leading women's fashion designer Tommy Stinkfinger is actually heterosexual, an unprecedented development in the world of Big Fashion. Faced with evidence of an actual wife and several children, look for Mr. Stinkfinger to hold a press conference in the near future announcing that he is out of the closet.
Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City has declined to run for President in 2012, citing "unfinished business." Wickedleak has discovered the real reason, a little known Constitutional "height requirement" for presidents. Unfortunately for Mr. Bloomberg (who is actually in HO Scale), he can neither be president, nor can he ride the Cyclone roller coaster in Coney island.
Another vertically-challenged American politician, the diminutive Senator Joe Biden, uses old copies of the Constitution to stand on when speaking in public, not so much to make himself taller but simply to show his complete and utter contempt for that document.
Glen Beck is not a real person but a creation of TV screenwriter David Mills of "NYPD" fame, who calls him "my best character since Andy Sipowitz." He is played on TV by the Chicago-based, former infomercial actor, Lance Boyle.
When he was America's Dictator for 8 years, Dick Cheney was awarded his weight in gold Krugerrands every month, which he then had melted down and shaped into various everyday items by skilled craftsmen, things like tea cups, a chess set, a comb, eyeglasses, a set of golf clubs andthe hotgunhe used to shoot his friend in the face just to see what it felt like.
President Obama has nominated his daughter Malia for Undersecretary of Education, citing the need for someone with "direct experience" with the nation's education system, or as he puts it; "who better than a schoolgirl?"
That is all for now, readers. If the powers-that-be do not shut down bobcrespo.com, you can look forward to even more startling revelations from wickedleak.net. This is Tallyrand D'Antoine signing off for now and moving to a new undisclosed location. The truth is out there...
President Barack Obama buys his cigarettes over the internet from an Indian reservation in Oklahoma, avoiding local and federal taxes.
Incoming Speaker of the House John Boehner's orange skin is the result of a DNA experiment gone terribly wrong. He was aiming for Grinch green. And the actual pronunciation of his name really is "boner," just like his college classmates called him.
The banking/investment giant, Goldman Sachs, has made an aggressive bid to acquire the U.S. Treasury, or at least that portion of it not already in its possession.
It turns out that the TV program, "The X-Files" was in fact a documentary made from U.S. Government archives about actual cases and real people.
The President of China, Hu Jintao, has a Twitter account under the name "Candypants from Malibu" with a million and a half followers.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had her husband fitted with a sophisticated electronic GPS bracelet disguised as a wristwatch to monitor his movements, but after only a week or so, former President Bill Clinton short-circuited it in a bubble bath with several interns at a Holiday Inn in Idaho.
The owner of Fox News, Rupert Murdoch, circulated an internal memo banning his on-air employees from using the term "creepy old douchebag."
The late Senator Ted Kennedy did not die of brain cancer as was widely reported, but instead succumbed to rickets.
Former Alaska Governor turned Cheerleader-in-Chief for the Tea Party, Sarah Palin, has said that if she is elected President in 2012, she will straighten out this county in 2 years, then resign to pursue her true passion; taxidermy. So far none of her aides has had the heart to tell her that this is not exactly what most people have in mind when the conversation turns to preserving endangered species.
Bull O'Really, Cable TV blowhard, prevailed over Headrush Limberger in a nude wrestling match in early 2010 to determine who will be the leader of the neo-con movement and, flush with victory, has challenged the #1 contender, Glen Bucks, to a cage match for the undisputed Flabbyweight title.
Muammar Khadaffy of Libya, accused of keeping company with a Ukranian prostitute, has vehemently denied the charge, claiming his Ukranian "nurse" is simply his fashion designer and Executive Wardrobe Consultant.
With Ted Kennedy gone, Keith Olberman of MSNBC has contacted the Guinness Book of World Records to claim the "Largest Human Head" title. Lawyers for Barry Bonds are disputing Olberman's claim.
In what could prove to be a devastating blow tho the fashion industry, it has been revealed that industry-leading women's fashion designer Tommy Stinkfinger is actually heterosexual, an unprecedented development in the world of Big Fashion. Faced with evidence of an actual wife and several children, look for Mr. Stinkfinger to hold a press conference in the near future announcing that he is out of the closet.
Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City has declined to run for President in 2012, citing "unfinished business." Wickedleak has discovered the real reason, a little known Constitutional "height requirement" for presidents. Unfortunately for Mr. Bloomberg (who is actually in HO Scale), he can neither be president, nor can he ride the Cyclone roller coaster in Coney island.
Another vertically-challenged American politician, the diminutive Senator Joe Biden, uses old copies of the Constitution to stand on when speaking in public, not so much to make himself taller but simply to show his complete and utter contempt for that document.
Glen Beck is not a real person but a creation of TV screenwriter David Mills of "NYPD" fame, who calls him "my best character since Andy Sipowitz." He is played on TV by the Chicago-based, former infomercial actor, Lance Boyle.
When he was America's Dictator for 8 years, Dick Cheney was awarded his weight in gold Krugerrands every month, which he then had melted down and shaped into various everyday items by skilled craftsmen, things like tea cups, a chess set, a comb, eyeglasses, a set of golf clubs andthe hotgunhe used to shoot his friend in the face just to see what it felt like.
President Obama has nominated his daughter Malia for Undersecretary of Education, citing the need for someone with "direct experience" with the nation's education system, or as he puts it; "who better than a schoolgirl?"
That is all for now, readers. If the powers-that-be do not shut down bobcrespo.com, you can look forward to even more startling revelations from wickedleak.net. This is Tallyrand D'Antoine signing off for now and moving to a new undisclosed location. The truth is out there...
December 12, 2010
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 757
If nobody loves you when you're down and out, odds are you weren't exactly Mr. Wonderful when you were riding high.
CHRISTMAS GIFTS THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE GRADE
Ah Christmas, that holy celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, heralding sentiments of peace on earth, love, joy and good will towards our fellow man coupled with an orgiastic celebration of retail consumption. What's not to love? The gaudy decorations, the earnest caroling, the sumptuous feasts and all that shopping! How better to express it than it's the most wonderful time of the year? It's Christmas time, gosh darn it, and if you don't feel good, better or best, then there must be something radically wrong with your curmudgeonly ass! So get out there and buy some damned presents for your loved ones. Just avoid these less-than-stellar gifts:
Air Bagpipe Hero: A virtual music game letting players pretend they are the lead bagpiper in the local Police Marching Band. All the great bagpipe tunes are included, like "Amazing Grace" and all the rest of them that sound just like "Amazing Grace" when played on bagpipes.
Tickle Me Tiger: A Barbie and Ken-type doll/action figure of Tiger Woods, Mattel Toy Company figured to clean up this Christmas with this toy of the most popular golfer ever, packaged with a miniature set of golf clubs. After the scandal hit, they tried to recoup their losses by packaging each Tiger figure with one of a set of 13 look-alike "Bimbo Mistress Barbie" dolls with sexy cocktail waitress outfits, evening gowns or lingerie, but toy retailers have been slow to embrace the concept.
iCuffLinks: Apple computers finally went too far with their i-products, and the iCufflinks may be their worst idea ever. With one cufflink as the speaker and the other as the video screen and music player, these things are just a tad too tiny.
Stuffed Endangered Species: The people who marketed these real dead animals weren't getting the concept of "saving" endangered species when they figured people would like to have a genuine stuffed Polar Bear, Snow Leopard, Brown Spider Monkey or Bald Eagle in their parlor before they disappear. The only ones who placed any orders were the Palin family of Alaska. Some retailers just don't think things all the way through.
Edible Play Dough: Bowing to the inevitable, the makers of Play Dough finally took the next logical step and is now making "Edible Playdough," which tastes exactly like the original (not too bad, really, if memory serves) but is an actual food substance with all the required daily vitamins per serving.
The Shamwow Diaper Blanket: The ultimate couch potato's dream, a sleeved blanket you wear while you lay around the house that doubles as a super-absorbent diaper, eliminating the exhausting chore of walking to the toilet, often two entire rooms away from the couch, or even more daunting, up a flight of stairs! Sales were hurt by the fact that the target customers were too lazy to even click the mouse of their computer to order them, saving valuable energy to operate their TV remotes.
Junior's First Gun: Some say that firearms manufacturers have crossed a line with this red, white and blue lightweight but very real pistol built for the hand of a three year-old. Gun retailers defend the product as an educational toy intended for fire arms training and is sold with blank rounds, with real bullets only available with parental permission. The company is having a hard time keeping up with the orders.
Chanel #4: There is a reason why the world's most famous perfume is called "Chanel #5." The first four attempts resulted in very foul-smelling concoctions that attracted unwanted attention from leg-humping dogs. The marketers of Chanel #4 are figuring to cash in on a craze for retro fashion items, mounting an expensive advertising campaign aimed at the dim-witted children of rich people, and are actually doing quite well with it. Keep your distance from Yuppie trash this season.
Artificial Laps: This product is actually a practical invention, a small portable platform that really fat people can strap to their knees with handy velcro straps in order to have an actual "lap" for their laptop computers. So far there have been few takers.
Computo-cycle: This "simulated bicycle game" is an interactive computer game that lets children have the sensation of riding a real bicycle without the danger of leaving the couch. By the makers of "Artificial Laps" and "Shamwow Diaper Blankets."
Lego: There's nothing different about Lego after all these years, but it's been around long enough for us to know that it is one of the lamest and most frustrating toys ever, impossible to build something that looks like anything. Lego has created more disturbed and obsessed individuals than even Etch-A-Sketch or Pick-Up-Sticks.
Chia Pubes: Marketed by the Chia Pet people as a joke adult gift, Chia Pubes comes with either a clay penis or vagina, and as usual grows a green moldy looking weed for pubic hair. All in all, not funny and kind of disturbing.
Mister Parsnip Head: The Nutrition Police are getting a little crazy and have introduced this crazy toy as a healthy alternative Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. Kids will like it about as much as they do real parsnips.
Air Bagpipe Hero: A virtual music game letting players pretend they are the lead bagpiper in the local Police Marching Band. All the great bagpipe tunes are included, like "Amazing Grace" and all the rest of them that sound just like "Amazing Grace" when played on bagpipes.
Tickle Me Tiger: A Barbie and Ken-type doll/action figure of Tiger Woods, Mattel Toy Company figured to clean up this Christmas with this toy of the most popular golfer ever, packaged with a miniature set of golf clubs. After the scandal hit, they tried to recoup their losses by packaging each Tiger figure with one of a set of 13 look-alike "Bimbo Mistress Barbie" dolls with sexy cocktail waitress outfits, evening gowns or lingerie, but toy retailers have been slow to embrace the concept.
iCuffLinks: Apple computers finally went too far with their i-products, and the iCufflinks may be their worst idea ever. With one cufflink as the speaker and the other as the video screen and music player, these things are just a tad too tiny.
Stuffed Endangered Species: The people who marketed these real dead animals weren't getting the concept of "saving" endangered species when they figured people would like to have a genuine stuffed Polar Bear, Snow Leopard, Brown Spider Monkey or Bald Eagle in their parlor before they disappear. The only ones who placed any orders were the Palin family of Alaska. Some retailers just don't think things all the way through.
Edible Play Dough: Bowing to the inevitable, the makers of Play Dough finally took the next logical step and is now making "Edible Playdough," which tastes exactly like the original (not too bad, really, if memory serves) but is an actual food substance with all the required daily vitamins per serving.
The Shamwow Diaper Blanket: The ultimate couch potato's dream, a sleeved blanket you wear while you lay around the house that doubles as a super-absorbent diaper, eliminating the exhausting chore of walking to the toilet, often two entire rooms away from the couch, or even more daunting, up a flight of stairs! Sales were hurt by the fact that the target customers were too lazy to even click the mouse of their computer to order them, saving valuable energy to operate their TV remotes.
Junior's First Gun: Some say that firearms manufacturers have crossed a line with this red, white and blue lightweight but very real pistol built for the hand of a three year-old. Gun retailers defend the product as an educational toy intended for fire arms training and is sold with blank rounds, with real bullets only available with parental permission. The company is having a hard time keeping up with the orders.
Chanel #4: There is a reason why the world's most famous perfume is called "Chanel #5." The first four attempts resulted in very foul-smelling concoctions that attracted unwanted attention from leg-humping dogs. The marketers of Chanel #4 are figuring to cash in on a craze for retro fashion items, mounting an expensive advertising campaign aimed at the dim-witted children of rich people, and are actually doing quite well with it. Keep your distance from Yuppie trash this season.
Artificial Laps: This product is actually a practical invention, a small portable platform that really fat people can strap to their knees with handy velcro straps in order to have an actual "lap" for their laptop computers. So far there have been few takers.
Computo-cycle: This "simulated bicycle game" is an interactive computer game that lets children have the sensation of riding a real bicycle without the danger of leaving the couch. By the makers of "Artificial Laps" and "Shamwow Diaper Blankets."
Lego: There's nothing different about Lego after all these years, but it's been around long enough for us to know that it is one of the lamest and most frustrating toys ever, impossible to build something that looks like anything. Lego has created more disturbed and obsessed individuals than even Etch-A-Sketch or Pick-Up-Sticks.
Chia Pubes: Marketed by the Chia Pet people as a joke adult gift, Chia Pubes comes with either a clay penis or vagina, and as usual grows a green moldy looking weed for pubic hair. All in all, not funny and kind of disturbing.
Mister Parsnip Head: The Nutrition Police are getting a little crazy and have introduced this crazy toy as a healthy alternative Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. Kids will like it about as much as they do real parsnips.
December 3, 2010
INTERVIEW WITH SANTA CLAUS
Well Ho Ho Ho, people. Guess who I ran into the other day in Manhattan? Good old Kris Kringle himself, Santa Claus! He was in town making some last minute preparations for his big night on Christmas Eve when he loads up his sleigh with toys for all the good little boys and girls, hitches up his reindeer and flies off through the night from his headquarters in the North Pole, completing his journey around the world by Christmas morning. Pretty impressive if you ask me. I've often wondered how Santa manages this miraculous task with an old sleigh and what must be some pretty old reindeer at this point.
He's been doing this routine for centuries now and the old guy's still got a nimble spring in his step. He's a little short, maybe around five-two, five-three, tops, and as round as you'd expect. His snow white beard is immaculately groomed and the trademark twinkle in his eye is still gleaming with delight. The only disconcerting thing about him when we met for the interview is that he wasn't sporting the red suit and fur-lined cap, instead wearing a smart corduroy blazer over a turtleneck and a pair of jeans. On his feet were a pair of Gucci loafers and he wore no cap at all. He explained that the red suit was for Christmas night only and besides, he was here on business, doing a final field test on his new GPS system.
BC: "Santa, you use a satellite navigation system?
SC: "Of course. What's the point of being Santa if you can't get all the latest toys?"
BC: "Oh. How did you used to do it?"
SC: "By the stars, just like the old sailors. It was a real hassle but I was younger then and a bit of a cowboy at the reins, if you know what I mean. The reindeer were younger too so we really put the pedal to the metal."
BC: "You still have the same reindeer?"
SC: "Sure. We're magic, you know. How else could we do what we do on Christmas Eve? And how else could I have the same reindeer for centuries?"
BC: "Makes sense. How about the elves? Are they magic, too?"
SC: "I wish. No, they're mortals, regular elves with regular life spans. Elves are the only ones willing to live and work at the North Pole. Those people don't mind the cold at all, and they're darn good craftsmen. If only they didn't drink so much..."
BC: "The elves are drunks?"
SC: "Not much else to do in the frozen north, my friend. I try to keep them occupied, you know. I've got a bowling alley, a heated pool, ball fields, a billiards hall and a couple of gymnasiums up there for them. But then that darned long polar night descends, six months of darkness... That's when the drinking and the fist fights start, and then they start hitting on each others' old ladies... it gets pretty ugly sometimes."
BC: "Ever think of relocating?"
SC: "Sure, lots of times, but the price of real estate is sky high. You have no idea how big an operation I'm running up there; toy factories, electronics assemblies, a whole division just for doll's clothes, a leather works for baseball gloves and footballs, to say nothing of the housing I need for all the elves and Mrs. Claus and myself and the stables for the reindeer."
BC: "I can see where a move might be a major undertaking."
"SC: "You said it. Sometimes I'm tempted to just contract it all out to China like Wal-Mart and chill out all year."
BC: "Santa, you can't be serious!"
SC: "Just dreaming out loud, my friend. No, Santa's got to do things like Santa does things and that's that. It just wouldn't be the same."
BC: "That's a relief. The elves still make everything by hand?"
SC: "Heck, no! I certainly don't go overboard with tradition. State of the art, Santa's workshop is, state of the art! We've got laser-guided power tools, computer-coordinated assembly lines, robot welders like in the car factories, automated gift wrapping machines, all sorts of modern gizmos!"
BC: "When did all this happen?"
SC: "Son, there's been a population explosion these past few centuries in case you haven't noticed. Elves are not exactly rabbits when it comes to breeding so I only have a small workforce. Automation was the only way to go.
BC: "But you still read the letters from the kids and make a list of who's naughty and nice, right?"
SC: "Bob, you've been hitting the egg nog and brandy again, haven't you? Didn't I tell you there's been a population explosion? Nowadays I have a computerized database to keep track of who's naughty and who's nice and which kid wants what presents and where they live nowadays. Don't forget that plenty of people move around a lot these days. Years ago I had Bill Gates' people work me up a foolproof program that keeps track of all that."
BC: "That must have cost you a pretty penny."
SC: "No way. Gates did it for old Santa, just doing his part for Christmas. Who do you think got him started in the computer business in the first place by giving him his first electronics kit for Christmas?"
BC: "I guess that was you, Santa."
SC: "Bingo! The same with all the factory components. If it wasn't for my Elf Research and Development Division half of these new inventions wouldn't exist. These billionaire industrialists owe me big time and it's the least they can do to retool Santa's workshop every so often. Besides their help, I own a lot of patents for a lot of handy inventions. Ever hear of Velcro? That's my personal invention. It's made me a fortune."
BC: "You invented Velcro? For what?"
SC: "Yep. I needed a way to keep all the presents from falling off the sleigh without having to tie them down and waste time untying the knots at every stop. It works wonders."
BC: "I love velcro! What else did you invent?"
SC: "It's a long list, my friend. Let me put it this way, Edison and Bell were amateurs. by comparison. Everything I've invented has been an effort to streamline my operation, and as it turns out, a lot of these inventions have practical uses for home and industry. NASA used a bunch of them for their space program and Steve Jobs actually owes the success of the iMac to a couple of little doohickeys Santa invented. Apple computers have donated hundreds of computers to my operation, with all the bells and whistles. The royalties on the toothpaste tube alone have funded a generous benefits and retirement package for the Elves."
BC: "You invented that? But what good is the toothpaste tube to running a toy factory?"
SC: "That was strictly for Christmas Eve. The truth is I didn't invent it for toothpaste but for Preparation H. All that sleigh riding is murder on the old hemorrhoids and the tube was much handier than the jar."
BC: "Okay, so much for your inventions, Santa. tell me about Mrs. Claus."
SC: " Which one?"
BC: "Your wife, Mrs. Claus! The kindly looking little old lady with the white hair and the glasses we see in all the pictures..."
SC: "That would be Emma, God rest her soul, my first wife. She's like a company logo today, sort of a tribute to my first love. She died three hundred and fifty years ago and I've been married a dozen more times, had a few live-in girlfriends too. The current Mrs. Clause is Sandi, a real hottie, let me tell you..."
BC: "Santa, you mean Mrs. Clause is dead? How can that be?"
SC: "My wives are mortal, Bob. It's only me and the reindeer who are magic. It's a sad truth, but that's how it is. It's not all sugarplums and candy canes being Santa."
BC: "You buried a dozen wives? How sad..."
SC: "No, not all of them. Some of them divorced me."
BC: "They divorced Santa Clause?"
SC: "It's not easy living in the North Pole, Bob. Just me an around 500 alcoholic elves. If you're really not completely committed to Christmas, it's no life for a gorgeous babe."
BC: "Where do you meet these gorgeous babes, Santa?"
SC: "I must confess that a couple of them I found dancing on a pole in 'gentlemen's clubs.' Others I met in various nightclubs around the world, art galleries or restaurants. I may be magic, but I have my desires too, you know. And I figure for all I give to mankind I'm entitled to a little good clean fun with pretty lady. Emma, the first Mrs. Clause was a serving wench in a wild pub in Bristol, England. She was a real firecracker, she was..."
BC: "Santa, you're blowing my mind. here!"
SC: "Whoa, don't be judging, pal. Don't forget that I know all about you, what's naughty and nice about your taste in women too! And we both know it leans more towards the naughty, if you know what I mean. Which isn't a bad thing, mind you. Why, me and the current Mrs. Clause often like to ..."
BC: "Easy, Santa, kids might be reading this."
SC: "My bad, Bob. But now that you've got me thinking about Sandi I can't wait to get back to the pole. The North Pole, that is."
BC: "Of course. So Santa, since you know all about me and have since I was a little kid, how'd I turn out?"
SC: "Quite frankly, Bob, I'm disappointed in you."
BC: "But Santa, I've been trying to do my best..."
SC: "Gotcha! Just messing with your head, Bob. You're fine. Now you can tell your buddies you were punk'd by Santa."
BC: "Gee, Santa, you're not anything like what I expected."
SC: "Just goes to show where you can stick most expectations, no?"
BC: "I guess so, Santa. Well, Merry Christmas and have a good trip on Christmas Eve."
SC: "And a Merry Christmas to you, Bob! Ho, Ho, Ho!"
And he was off in a flash. No, not on his sled with the eight tiny reindeer but in a cab to take him to the airport where his private jet would take him back to the North Pole to get ready for Christmas. A pretty nice guy, Santa, and more down to earth than you might expect. Quite earthy, actually. Well, good for him. Santa has done a lot of good for a lot of people over the years. If he wants to kick back in a gentlemen's club with a stiff whiskey and some gorgeous babes running their fingers through his beard after flying all over the world giving toys to children, well he's earned it. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
He's been doing this routine for centuries now and the old guy's still got a nimble spring in his step. He's a little short, maybe around five-two, five-three, tops, and as round as you'd expect. His snow white beard is immaculately groomed and the trademark twinkle in his eye is still gleaming with delight. The only disconcerting thing about him when we met for the interview is that he wasn't sporting the red suit and fur-lined cap, instead wearing a smart corduroy blazer over a turtleneck and a pair of jeans. On his feet were a pair of Gucci loafers and he wore no cap at all. He explained that the red suit was for Christmas night only and besides, he was here on business, doing a final field test on his new GPS system.
BC: "Santa, you use a satellite navigation system?
SC: "Of course. What's the point of being Santa if you can't get all the latest toys?"
BC: "Oh. How did you used to do it?"
SC: "By the stars, just like the old sailors. It was a real hassle but I was younger then and a bit of a cowboy at the reins, if you know what I mean. The reindeer were younger too so we really put the pedal to the metal."
BC: "You still have the same reindeer?"
SC: "Sure. We're magic, you know. How else could we do what we do on Christmas Eve? And how else could I have the same reindeer for centuries?"
BC: "Makes sense. How about the elves? Are they magic, too?"
SC: "I wish. No, they're mortals, regular elves with regular life spans. Elves are the only ones willing to live and work at the North Pole. Those people don't mind the cold at all, and they're darn good craftsmen. If only they didn't drink so much..."
BC: "The elves are drunks?"
SC: "Not much else to do in the frozen north, my friend. I try to keep them occupied, you know. I've got a bowling alley, a heated pool, ball fields, a billiards hall and a couple of gymnasiums up there for them. But then that darned long polar night descends, six months of darkness... That's when the drinking and the fist fights start, and then they start hitting on each others' old ladies... it gets pretty ugly sometimes."
BC: "Ever think of relocating?"
SC: "Sure, lots of times, but the price of real estate is sky high. You have no idea how big an operation I'm running up there; toy factories, electronics assemblies, a whole division just for doll's clothes, a leather works for baseball gloves and footballs, to say nothing of the housing I need for all the elves and Mrs. Claus and myself and the stables for the reindeer."
BC: "I can see where a move might be a major undertaking."
"SC: "You said it. Sometimes I'm tempted to just contract it all out to China like Wal-Mart and chill out all year."
BC: "Santa, you can't be serious!"
SC: "Just dreaming out loud, my friend. No, Santa's got to do things like Santa does things and that's that. It just wouldn't be the same."
BC: "That's a relief. The elves still make everything by hand?"
SC: "Heck, no! I certainly don't go overboard with tradition. State of the art, Santa's workshop is, state of the art! We've got laser-guided power tools, computer-coordinated assembly lines, robot welders like in the car factories, automated gift wrapping machines, all sorts of modern gizmos!"
BC: "When did all this happen?"
SC: "Son, there's been a population explosion these past few centuries in case you haven't noticed. Elves are not exactly rabbits when it comes to breeding so I only have a small workforce. Automation was the only way to go.
BC: "But you still read the letters from the kids and make a list of who's naughty and nice, right?"
SC: "Bob, you've been hitting the egg nog and brandy again, haven't you? Didn't I tell you there's been a population explosion? Nowadays I have a computerized database to keep track of who's naughty and who's nice and which kid wants what presents and where they live nowadays. Don't forget that plenty of people move around a lot these days. Years ago I had Bill Gates' people work me up a foolproof program that keeps track of all that."
BC: "That must have cost you a pretty penny."
SC: "No way. Gates did it for old Santa, just doing his part for Christmas. Who do you think got him started in the computer business in the first place by giving him his first electronics kit for Christmas?"
BC: "I guess that was you, Santa."
SC: "Bingo! The same with all the factory components. If it wasn't for my Elf Research and Development Division half of these new inventions wouldn't exist. These billionaire industrialists owe me big time and it's the least they can do to retool Santa's workshop every so often. Besides their help, I own a lot of patents for a lot of handy inventions. Ever hear of Velcro? That's my personal invention. It's made me a fortune."
BC: "You invented Velcro? For what?"
SC: "Yep. I needed a way to keep all the presents from falling off the sleigh without having to tie them down and waste time untying the knots at every stop. It works wonders."
BC: "I love velcro! What else did you invent?"
SC: "It's a long list, my friend. Let me put it this way, Edison and Bell were amateurs. by comparison. Everything I've invented has been an effort to streamline my operation, and as it turns out, a lot of these inventions have practical uses for home and industry. NASA used a bunch of them for their space program and Steve Jobs actually owes the success of the iMac to a couple of little doohickeys Santa invented. Apple computers have donated hundreds of computers to my operation, with all the bells and whistles. The royalties on the toothpaste tube alone have funded a generous benefits and retirement package for the Elves."
BC: "You invented that? But what good is the toothpaste tube to running a toy factory?"
SC: "That was strictly for Christmas Eve. The truth is I didn't invent it for toothpaste but for Preparation H. All that sleigh riding is murder on the old hemorrhoids and the tube was much handier than the jar."
BC: "Okay, so much for your inventions, Santa. tell me about Mrs. Claus."
SC: " Which one?"
BC: "Your wife, Mrs. Claus! The kindly looking little old lady with the white hair and the glasses we see in all the pictures..."
SC: "That would be Emma, God rest her soul, my first wife. She's like a company logo today, sort of a tribute to my first love. She died three hundred and fifty years ago and I've been married a dozen more times, had a few live-in girlfriends too. The current Mrs. Clause is Sandi, a real hottie, let me tell you..."
BC: "Santa, you mean Mrs. Clause is dead? How can that be?"
SC: "My wives are mortal, Bob. It's only me and the reindeer who are magic. It's a sad truth, but that's how it is. It's not all sugarplums and candy canes being Santa."
BC: "You buried a dozen wives? How sad..."
SC: "No, not all of them. Some of them divorced me."
BC: "They divorced Santa Clause?"
SC: "It's not easy living in the North Pole, Bob. Just me an around 500 alcoholic elves. If you're really not completely committed to Christmas, it's no life for a gorgeous babe."
BC: "Where do you meet these gorgeous babes, Santa?"
SC: "I must confess that a couple of them I found dancing on a pole in 'gentlemen's clubs.' Others I met in various nightclubs around the world, art galleries or restaurants. I may be magic, but I have my desires too, you know. And I figure for all I give to mankind I'm entitled to a little good clean fun with pretty lady. Emma, the first Mrs. Clause was a serving wench in a wild pub in Bristol, England. She was a real firecracker, she was..."
BC: "Santa, you're blowing my mind. here!"
SC: "Whoa, don't be judging, pal. Don't forget that I know all about you, what's naughty and nice about your taste in women too! And we both know it leans more towards the naughty, if you know what I mean. Which isn't a bad thing, mind you. Why, me and the current Mrs. Clause often like to ..."
BC: "Easy, Santa, kids might be reading this."
SC: "My bad, Bob. But now that you've got me thinking about Sandi I can't wait to get back to the pole. The North Pole, that is."
BC: "Of course. So Santa, since you know all about me and have since I was a little kid, how'd I turn out?"
SC: "Quite frankly, Bob, I'm disappointed in you."
BC: "But Santa, I've been trying to do my best..."
SC: "Gotcha! Just messing with your head, Bob. You're fine. Now you can tell your buddies you were punk'd by Santa."
BC: "Gee, Santa, you're not anything like what I expected."
SC: "Just goes to show where you can stick most expectations, no?"
BC: "I guess so, Santa. Well, Merry Christmas and have a good trip on Christmas Eve."
SC: "And a Merry Christmas to you, Bob! Ho, Ho, Ho!"
And he was off in a flash. No, not on his sled with the eight tiny reindeer but in a cab to take him to the airport where his private jet would take him back to the North Pole to get ready for Christmas. A pretty nice guy, Santa, and more down to earth than you might expect. Quite earthy, actually. Well, good for him. Santa has done a lot of good for a lot of people over the years. If he wants to kick back in a gentlemen's club with a stiff whiskey and some gorgeous babes running their fingers through his beard after flying all over the world giving toys to children, well he's earned it. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
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