CRISIS FOR THE NATION'S COMICS

Before another year passes, the main inspiration for today's comedians will go away. I'm talking about our president, Bush the Younger, the man responsible for probably half the comedic material in the United States for the past seven-plus years. His blatant stupidity, gross incompetency, his lazy work habits and his transparent venality have been a gold mine for comedy writers and performers. Indeed, the man himself is hilarious, even more so in that it is unintentional. His every public appearance reveals a tongue-tied, inarticulate fool holding the most important job on the planet, the President of The United States, a premise that has the makings of great comedy if it wasn't all too real.

And not only is he funny, but his Vice President, the guy who actually has been running the country, one Dick Cheney, is a real-life caricature of a wealthy power-mad villain with no visible emotions and not a bit of concern or respect for America. His most powerful cabinet secretaries, Donald Rumsfeld and John Ashcroft, were also bumbling and arrogant criminals with made-to-order personalities for comics to lampoon. The transformation of the United States government from one representing the people of the nation into an entity that facilitates corporate interests at the expense of those same people is another great comedy premise come to life. Our great comic actors could have a ball with this outlandish premise if it was only a a premise and not bizarre reality.

And what comedy writer could top the notion of attacking the wrong nation in retaliation for being attacked? That's way too over the top for even wildman idiot comic like Jerry Lewis or Jim Carey. No producer would ever buy that insane scenario. And to have the United States hire large and highly paid mercenary corporate armies to supplement our armed forces would really be a reach, a suspension of reality even the most dedicated comedy fan wouldn't buy into. Or having a civilized nation torture prisoners, allow one if its finest cities to drown or having the government conduct illegal searches and seizures of its own citizens. That goes against the grain of comedy, which to be plausible has to have some grounding in reality in order to work.

What president would expose one of our own spies? Everybody knows that would put the agent in question's life in danger and sign the death warrants of all the people who had dealings with that spy in foreign lands. What Vice President would shoot a man in the face and then hide that fact for a couple of days? What president would call off the hunt for the man responsible for attacking his nation? It's just too far-fetched. And what president would have business ties and personal relationships with that man's family and make sure they got safely out of the country one step ahead of the FBI? Get real! And that whole business of having a gay prostitute pose as a member of the White House Press Corps in order to feed a stupid president easy questions? Even Monty Python wouldn't go that far!

But there you have it, an administration pushing the boundaries of comedy, which is really tragedy turned upside down, an approach to painful realities that enables us to laugh at our troubles instead of cry. So perhaps the Bush the Younger Administration isn't a complete fiasco after all. Isn't comedy one of our finest arts? Hasn't many a great mind provided us with much food for thought through the vehicle of comedy? And even if their intentions were not to provide high comedy, why look a gift horse in the mouth? Think of the fun Gilbert & Sullivan could have had writing a great comic opera about these buffoons! They might call it "The Executioner Prince of Texas." The big production number could revolve around the president wanting to get his own face carved into Mount Rushmore, a song and dance number called, "Move Over, Smart Guys" culminating in blowing up George Washinton's face and replacing it with Bush the Younger.

Or how about the Marx Brothers? "Duck Soup Goes to Washington." Harpo would be perfect as Bush the Younger, and his speeches would make more sense with the use of horns, bells, whistles and zany expressions, with a few comic props pulled out of his many pockets for emphasis. Chico could revise his scheming Chicolini character to play Rumsfeld and Groucho of course would be the callous mastermind Cheney, caring only for his own personal needs, with straight man brother Zeppo as his personal physician installing all sorts of whacky gadgets in the man to keep him alive. The great Margaret Dumont would be perfect as Condoleeza Rice, playing her as a clueless, prim matron placed in her job to keep Harpo out of trouble with all the predictable zaniness that entails, chasing him around the oval office with an out-sized hypodermic needle full of sedatives and then inadvertently sitting on it herself, leaving President Harpo free to pull some new outrageous stunt that embarrasses everybody. The possibilities are endless.

But alas, all things come to an end, even world-class comedy acts. No more Abbot and Costello in the White House come 2008. Bud Abbott, possibly the best straight man who ever lived, would have been perfect as Dick Cheney. Abbot never stepped out of character, always playing the venal, selfish small-time con man superbly, content to set up the jokes and allow his gifted partner Lou Costello to play for the laugh. And who better than Costello to portray the tongue-tied inadequacy that is Bush the Younger? Can't you see Miss Hillary as Condoleeza, the love of his life he can never find the words to win over? The beautiful woman who sees Bush the Younger as a lovable and sweet little dunce but out of the question as a serious suitor? Alright, the lovable thing is a stretch, but no more of a stretch than the whole administration has been.

But soon all this comedy fun will be behind us and we'll have a president who's main job will be to undo the wreckage of Bush the Younger and his Zany Players Revue. After all, one can't have a comedy act running the country and not expect them to screw it up big time. There will be wars to end, debts to pay and The Bill of Rights to reestablish, all mundane chores with little or no comedy potential. Perhaps the new president will even catch Osama Bin Laden, logically the only man we need to kill or capture to avenge the attack on America that he orchestrated. That will take more ready-made material away from our nation's comedians who have been having a field day spoofing his video career taunting the United States. More golden comedy opportunities vanishing.

Comic impersonators who have made fortunes mimicking Bush the Younger's easy-to-lampoon idiocy will have to develop new material. The rich source of illogical actions provided by this administration will also dry up, forcing comedy writers and performers of every stripe to find new inspiration. The truth is, Bush the Younger has made life too easy for our comics, and many of them have perhaps grown lazy, accustomed to having their government provide them with their material. Well, that welfare state is going away, people, and as of january 2008 you're on your own. No more freebies from the government.

Unless of course our nation is dumb enough to elect John McCain, or nostalgic enough for the comedy of the Reagan years, where our president was an old guy half daft with senility. Then our comic's skills would be further eroded by having their material gift-wraped and handed to them on a silver platter. Yet another reason to elect a serious person as president in November. Our comic minds are far too important to our nation to allow them to atrophy by not making them work for their material. Having a comedy act run the nation might be zany fun but it takes the incentive away from our professional comics and gives them unfair competition. So, though it's been tons of fun and quite a roller coaster ride, we bid adieu to the notion of dimwit puppet presidents and their venal straight men.