MAKE UP YOU OWN BIBLE QUOTES!

There's a bunch of ancient Biblical texts written around the same time as The Bible, both the Old and the New Testament. When it was time back in the day to decide on what officially gets in the Bible, these texts were left out for one reason or another by those in charge, whoever they might be (The Bible doesn't give credit to its compilers. Fortunes in royalties for this perennial best-seller were lost this way.). Some of the texts were a bit out of synch with the overall orthodox message of Judaism and Christianity, and others gave weight to role of women in the two respective faiths, something of a no-no for the Middle Easterners who codified the texts. These people for the most part still have all sorts of severe woman problems, and the idea of a woman having authority in religious matters scares the crap out them. Anything remotely humorous was excised too. These books and gospels that didn't make the cut are available as Books of The Apocrypha, and the overall feel and and style of them is very much the same as the universally familiar Bible writings. That is; windy, bleak and wide open to second-guessing.

Some religious scholars have discounted a lot of these texts as forgeries or blasphemous attacks on the faith, while others have verified their authenticity through painstaking research. Who's to say? For that matter, who's to say that the official Bible texts are the correct ones? They were, after all, compiled by men, and men being imperfect beings who often have an axe to grind, you have to wonder what's what. There are so many contradictory messages and ambiguous passages, you have to figure the editing process was not very a rigorous one, but perhaps one full of sharp differences of opinion and compromises. The result speaks for itself, a confounding testament that would never have made it out the editing process of any respectable publisher in its current confusing form. But there is is, revered by billions, who live by whatever people tell them these whacky words mean.

These ambiguous and contradictory passages are the things that Biblical interpretation careers are made of. For example, Leviticus 19:27 says: "Do not round the corners of your head." What? What could that possibly mean, if anything? Who's head has corners? Some men take it to mean they should never shave. Okay, fine, if that works for them, what the hell, why not? Beards are cool, and save the bearded a lot of dough on razors, shaving cream and Brut. And that's just one of hundreds of statements and passages open to broad interpretation, and throughout history the arguments have raged even unto the point of widespread warfare over the meaning of the words in religious texts.

How cool is that? Let's make up some of our own! Oh, they can sound innocuous enough, like, say... "Cometh not unclean before thy God!" Sounds pretty Biblical, no? What does it mean? Whatever you want it to! That's the beauty of Biblical quotes, fake or otherwise. You state them with some sort of grave, condescending authority with just the right mixture of piety and insanity and with plenty of wiggle room to let people read their own meaning into them and some people will think you've got the answers, that you're The One. Others will declare you an evil menace, and the fight is on! It's a thing of beauty, people! How about this one: "Righteousness comes not by vinegar but wine!" That'll have people scratching their heads. Let's try some more:

"I am The Lord thy father... Luke."

"I am The Lord thy God - sacrifice not thy rancid goats to me!"

"Blessed be him that knoweth little, his days shall be filled with wonder."

"The road knoweth where it ends, ye do not."

"Betrayeth not thy nose."

"Speak to thy brethren of their pitiful failings, and castigate them fiercely!"

"Tend thy vineyard with whimsical vengeance."

"Teach thy children what thou knowest not."

"Vow ye vengeance upon false prophets."

"Sayeth no ill of female flesh, for thy Lord has created it thus."

"Do not stay the hand of vengeance from those who call the Lord's work shameful!"

"When thy cup runneth over, pour ye no more, blind fool!"

"If thy brother sayeth his words are the Lord's, smite him. If he hateth women, scorn his ignorance."

"Is not the Holy Spirit left-handed?"

"When the lamb and the lion lie together, only the lion shall rise."

"At some point, the left hand findeth out what the right hand doeth."

"Prayeth not for trivial things, for thy Lord has a full plate and little patience for insecure fools."

"When men and angels collide, doves fly in circles with olive branches in their beaks."

"The Lord will smite the wicked who claim His place."

"Who giveth empty words to the poor feedeth only his own ego."

"The Kingdom of God is built on the dreams of the faithful."

"Blareth no more thy loud trumpets, for thy Lord is sick of their sound."

What do these things mean? Who knows and who cares? They sound like they mean something and when it comes to religious texts, that's pretty much half the battle. Next time you're cornered by some overly religious annoying lunatic, try whipping out one of these quotes. That should rattle their cages and send them scrambling back to their Bibles to see how they missed that one. They'll find out eventually it's bogus but at least you're off the hook. Make up some of your own. It's fun and if you can start a fight or two here and here, well, that's energy well spent. If you can instigate a religious war, you might just attain sainthood or the nickname "The Great."

If you've read the Bible enough it's easy to come up with some ridiculous statement in a similar vein as that dense writing. Whatever you so, don't crack a smile when you whip out the bogus quotes. A sense of humor will give you away in a second. There's only one thing Bible nuts hate more than other Bible nuts questioning their perfection, and that's laughter. So "Jest ye not" and you can have some real fun with making Bible stuff up. And remember: the bleaker the better. Practice scowling and sneering in the mirror and rehearse your most morbid vocal delivery. When you creep yourself out, you've got it! Then go forth and spout scary nonsense. They'll eat up those grim words up like gumdrops. "So is it written, so it is misread."