ANNOUNCING PEPE: PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF PEOPLE

PETA, Shmeta. That anti-fur and anti-meat-eating crowd has had their day in the sun, made a lot of noise, gotten a ton of publicity and made not a hell of a lot of difference, except maybe ruining some perfectly good fur coats with red spray paint. Time for them to go somewhere else and be annoying there. It's now time for PEPE, People For The Ethical Treatment of People. Why isn't it called PFTETOP? Too unwieldy. Besides, why isn't People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals called PFTETOA? If they can pick and choose from the letters of their organization for a catchy anagram, then PEPE it is for People For The Ethical Treatment Of People.

And what's the mission of PEPE? Helping starving people? Championing the civil rights of the downtrodden? Please! There's plenty enough do-gooder organizations out there already to help those poor slobs and they've done just as much good as the fur painters, if that much. 36,000 people still die of starvation every single day on this earth and at least half of the 6 billion of us who share this troubled third stone from the sun suffer under repressive regimes. Why join another lost cause? No, PEPE will set our sights a bit lower. We're not Captain Kirk or Superman over here, saving the world on a regular basis. What did those heroes get in return? A world that showed their gratitude by going right out and screwing everything up again, that's what! The heck with beating our heads against that wall.

The mission of PEPE will be more modest. Not all that realistic, but hell, what organization of this sort is? PEPE will concentrate on getting people to leave each other alone and mind their own damned business. So, if you smoke, if you're fat, are not particularly politically correct, are sort of stupid, have a oddball world view or just want to be left alone, PEPE is your friend. Not that we'll work all that hard on your behalf, but we're at least there. There will be no rallies, no public screaming at anybody and no huge propaganda campaigns to convert anybody to our way of thinking. In other words, we'll treat everybody the way we ourselves want to be treated. We'll leave them alone. No sense being an annoying creep about your damned beliefs.

"Live and Let Live" will be PEPE's motto, or maybe "Do Unto Others, You Sick, Loudmouthed, Controlling Freaks!" And don't join PEPE to justify any aberrant behavior on you part. We're not looking to protect the rights of criminals, child molesters and disgraced neo-cons. You've already got the ACLU, NAMBLA and Bill O'Really looking out for you. All we're saying is that people in general should just back off, that's all. Judge ye not, and all that. Don't get in anyone's face if they're not bothering you. And the definition of "bothering you" is not existing.

If someone smokes cigarettes, you don't have to. If they don't exercise, that's their right. If they are gay, well, that's sure not contagious and no threat to you and your dysfunctional little family unit. Besides, without gays, who would design wallpaper, decide what ladies will wear this year and operate our musical theater, you? Any volunteers? Didn't think so. And what people eat is their own damned business and not an opportunity to approach a stranger in public with a stern lecture on nutrition or animal rights. And don't loudly announce your way of life when nobody asked you. Although this may come as a shock to some of you, most people are not all that fascinated with you or your Mickey Mouse theories.

If we do ask, well, go ahead. That's a different story and then we deserve what we get, don't we? But if we don't happen to agree with you afterwards, leave it at that. Hearing someone out is no invitation to be hounded. Hang on to the brochures, we don't want 'em. Don't attack people who don't see things your own way. If you see a stranger smoking a cigarette in the street, that's their business and none of your own. Odds are they can read the warning label on the cigarette pack just fine without your assistance. And a lot of you have taught your children to approach perfect strangers and comment on their personal habits! Don't you realize that this is inappropriate behavior and can be extremely harmful to their wise little asses? Why leave it to strangers to properly train your children to have manners? A shoe up the ass goes a long way towards telling Peewee he's crossed a line that Mommy and Daddy should have warned him about.

See, PEPE is all about the manners. The essence of good manners is to live and let live. And not just the way you want to live, either. If you feel so strongly that you are right, lead by example. If people think you're on to something good, they'll seek you out and ask exactly how it came to pass that you have attained such a level of perfection. If your idea of perfection is haranguing the rest of us about our shortcomings real or imagined, your movement is bound to be a small one. Get used to people crossing the street to avoid your preachy ass. And read the Bill Of Rights sometime, half of which is basically instructing us to leave each other alone. And outside of the weird jealous God ones, The Ten Commandments tell us pretty much the same thing: don't steal my stuff, don't lie about me, don't kill me and leave my damned spouse alone too.

Not that PEPE will be aligned with any political party or religion. It's none of our business what fairy tale you choose to believe. If it makes you happy, fine, that's a good thing. If it makes you annoying, however, then that's where PEPE comes in. Our members will be given little business cards. On them will be printed various slogans to be handed out to people who corner you in order to berate you about one thing or another. Some will simply say, "Thanks, but no thanks," others might be worded a little stronger. For persistent pests, you might have to hand out a card saying "Get out of my face now, you sniveling wimp!" For extreme cases, the "Fuck Off!" cards will be coated with a caustic substance that will give the annoying sons-of-bitches a good idea of what it feels like to be really irritated. Of course these will be wrapped in wax paper, handled with extreme care and used only when one has no other recourse.

PEPE does not seek confrontation, just the opposite. We celebrate diversity, and not just the kind of diversity that passes some arbitrary muster. Outside of harming others, we will hold no views of what it takes to be a proper human being. We reserve the right to seek out the company of whoever we like, and avoid the company of those who bug the crap out of us. PEPE's mission is nothing less than saving humanity from its biggest threat: ourselves. All the troubles in this world can be traced to one root problem, and that is people treating other people like shit. Considering others to be less than oneself leads to war, slavery, tyranny, starvation and greed. People For The Ethical Treatment Of People want no part of any of those things. We don't seek to convert anyone to anything. We put forth today the radical notion that even fat guys, dummies and cigarette smokers are people too and that all people have the right to be left the hell alone. PEPE will defend your right to be treated ethically.