WHY THE NEANDERTHALS DIDN'T MAKE IT

More DNA news! Scientists are almost finished sequencing the entire DNA code of Neanderthal Man, the cavemen who lost out in the evolutionary sweepstakes and disappeared from the face of the earth about 20 or 30 thousand years ago. These people were bigger and stronger than modern man and had brains of equal or larger size than their competitors, and also had the gene for speech. They lived in similar extended clan groups as our immediate predecessors and used pretty much the same tools and hunted in groups like our forebears did. So why did they disappear while we thrived? Well, their DNA code is beginning to provide some startling answers.

For example, while the immediate predecessors to modern man were smaller and more fragile, they were able to climb trees and Neanderthals could not. Doesn't seem like such a big deal until you consider that saber-toothed tigers couldn't climb trees either. Those 800-pound lions enjoyed nothing more than snacking on bipeds. That's just one difference. Many other genetic disadvantages have been pointed out. While we always assumed that these people looked more or less like us, maybe a little hairier, it turns out that they were actually colored bright orange at a time in earth's history when nothing else was orange, and thus had a hell of a time blending in with the scenery when some of the large predators of the day were searching for a meal. During an Ice Age, playing "Where's Waldo the Caveman" was a snap.

Their DNA code has also revealed the Neanderthals to have a propensity for taking the caves of rival species, which is a fairly commonplace competition in nature, but theirs was a particularly stubborn trait. Neanderthals seemed to prefer to fight it out with something called Cave Bears, who were about the size of a Buick. Not surprisingly, that didn't always work out in their favor, with the bears getting to keep their lairs and getting well fed without having to go out hunting that day. And the ancestors of modern man, as devious as we are, adopted the practice of posing as real estate agents, placing signs saying "Open Cave today" and assuring the Neanderthals the place was ready for immediate occupancy. It seems that Neanderthals also had a strong genetic predisposition for trust, another trait that did not always serve them well. It was perhaps their most fatal flaw.

Our genetic code plays a huge role in the choices we make as a species. While their trusting nature was fine while they were the only cave men around, once modern humans started appearing, the Cave Real Estate Agent ruse was only one of the tricks played on Neanderthals. Other early humans posed as "Cave Bankers" and got all the Neanderthals to deposit all their dried food, beads and seashells in Cave Banks, supposedly for safekeeping. Imagine their distress when they went to make a withdrawal from the bank only to discover that these so-called bankers had given their seashells to their girlfriends and eaten all their food! Then they told the Neanderthals that they had to bail them out with more seashells and preserved food or the Cave Bank would go out of business.

The beauty of the whole scam was, the Neanderthals bought it! They thought they had done something wrong, and so they started hunting and preserving and bead-making overtime to keep the Cave banks well stocked. They looked the other way when the Cave Bankers started awarding each other huge bonuses of mammoth jerky and seashell necklaces, and even redoubled their efforts to stock the place and keep the Cave Bankers happy. Countless Neanderthals perished from exhaustion this way until they finally figured out they were being had, but at that point their numbers were so decimated that it was too late to recoup, population-wise. No only that, the Cave Bankers and Cave Real Estate Agents foreclosed on cavern after cavern, turning these people out into the cold, where the giant wolves, lions and bears had a field day picking off the bright orange and now homeless Neanderthals.

After those episodes, it was only a matter of time before the remaining Neanderthals simply lost their spirit. Everywhere they turned Homo-Sapiens had taken the choicest caves and hunting grounds, and had invented another scam to cheat them out of their hard-earned mammoth meat, sharp tools and seashell necklaces. They figured if life was going to be like this forever with all the Cave Bankers and Cave Real Estate Agents and endless toil to keep them happy, then extinction didn't seem like such a bad option. They had enjoyed a good 500,000 year run, far longer than Homo-Sapiens, and they figured what the hell, let's call it a day and see if these new guys can do something with this planet. The jury is still out on that one.