INVASION OF THE GREEN PEOPLE

Have you seen them? Have they contacted you? Have they attempted to invade your conscious thoughts and brainwash you? Clogged your computer with e-mails espousing Green Causes? We are of course, discussing The Green People. They walk among us, shop in the same stores, use the same roads and mass transit systems, perhaps work with us side-by-side at our jobs, their children attending the same school as our children, seeming like normal human beings in many respects.

But they are different, they are Green People, and they have come to transform humanity and remake us according their own visions, and then... eliminate us completely!

Towards that end, they have already enjoyed remarkable success, especially in having much of humanity install mercury-laden coiled light bulbs in their homes. Their stated reason for such light bulbs was sound, that they would reduce energy consumption on a planet hard-pressed to keep up with ever-increasing demands for electrical power.

The suspicion, of course, is that Green People thrive on mercury and that with every broken light bulb on top of the uncounted tonnage of discarded bulbs, the air, soil and water of Earth will be slowly but inexorably infused with mercury, a deadly poison to you and I, but ambrosia itself to the Green People, washed down by the nectar of mercury-tainted water.

Then there is their insistence that we grow our own fuel for our cars and power plants, replacing petroleum with corn or sugar-based oils, promising cleaner and ever-renewable sources of power. What they neglect to mention is that these fuels will be just as expensive and dirty as petroleum, and that they will remove millions of acres of farmland from food production on a planet already plagued with starvation.

Today and tomorrow, and for every tomorrow until we can solve this plague, 36,000 people will die a painfully slow and tortuous death from starvation. 85% of these victims are children under 5 years of age. If we listen to the Green People, those horrendous numbers will skyrocket, de-populating the planet so that the Greens can easily take over.

The Greens also actively campaign against the use of clean nuclear power, even though the navy has been using this technology for over half a century without a mishap and the only serious nuclear reactor accident happened in Russia 24 years ago. Since that time uncounted millions have died from the effects of dirty internal combustion.

Greater fuel efficiency for our internal combustion engines is also discouraged by the Green People, who insist they must be scrapped altogether. What chance we will have to invent new technology without using our existing technology is left to the imagination, but imagination without access to a means of implementing our imaginings is an exercise in futility. They would have us live by windmill power, a technology perfected in the 7th Century.

The suspicion is that the Green People are aliens from outer space with a society advanced beyond our own by only about fifteen years, and so lack any of the diabolical weaponry we always imagined space invaders would possess. That being the case, they must resort to other means to decimate our population and take over the Earth.

Cleverly, they have used many of mankind's own very real problems as a weapon against us, and their success in seeding the planet with mercury via our light bulbs shows that they are apt students of pubic relations. That success seems to have gone to their green heads, and now they envision an America chock full of bicycle riders living in candle-lit homes, purchasing mercury-free water for a dollar a bottle.

Bicycles used to cost one-tenth of what they do now and pure water used to be free. Who owns the bicycle factories and clean waterworks? Green People! Where are the profits going? That's right, to the Greens! What do they do with the money? They put it towards world conquest, of course. Not much point in invading a planet and not taking it over, is there?

There will come a day when we are all drinking dollar-a-bottle water, and at that point the water they sell us will be loaded with mercury and we'll all drop dead and the world will be inherited by the Green People without firing a shot, or a death ray, and with our cities, farms, roads and infrastructure intact so that millions and millions of Greens from the Green Planet can just move right in, raid our fridges, watch our DVD collections and sit in our Jacuzzis munching on mercury-laden popcorn! And the government does nothing about it!

Is it too late to stop them? Have they infiltrated the Halls of Power so completely? Perhaps not.Or so we hope. But what can we do do resist the Green People, who are, after all, 15 years more advanced a civilization! They have razors with seven blades on the Green Planet, and have finally ceased using Roman numerals to count their Super Bowls, marking a significant cultural breakthrough for the Greens. Their cars get an average of 54 miles to the gallon! They had iPads 15 years ago! They know how "The Biggest Loser" ends!

So we have our work cut out for us to repel these invaders, those who would pretend to be fighting the great evils in this world while actively engaged in the worst of them. Now they offer us mercury, bicycles and windmills. And whales, too. Who knows toward what insidious ends the Greens conspire to attack whaling ships? Are the whales cooperating with the Greens?

Okay, maybe you can't blame whales for bearing a grudge against us, but there's got to be a good reason the Greens are "saving the whales." For what? We shudder to think. Our only defense against the Green People is the defense of the conquered from time immemorial. Breed with them!

As the numerous descendants of the Roman slaves and vanquished races of people did, who intermarried with and eventually outnumbered their conquerors, Rome had to fall from within before it could be defeated from without, with babies as the most effective weapon.

So, young men and women of America, your mission is clear: To marry and interbreed with the sons and and daughters of the Green People. A pilot program has been underway for a generation in Brooklyn, our most active incubator for interracial babies for centuries. There are already some very interesting half Italian, half Green children, or a quarter Irish and an eighth Cherokee, or Black, or Puerto Rican, Greek, Lebanese or any other combination of Green and human you'd care to name.

These children will be raised in a world where Green People are mainstream, much more reasonable, and at least half human! No one wants to wipe out their Mom or Dad, or at least not too many of us. Perhaps one day a new level of acceptance and understanding will be achieved with the election of our first Half Green President, and our two races can live in harmony on a peaceful globe.