THE 2009 TWO QUICK SLAPS AWARDS

In such hard and contentious times, the temptation is to take all those people who are actively contributing to the general stress and misery and either shoot them down like dogs, hang them, beat them about the head and neck with blunt objects or drown them in mud puddles. Or all of the above. However, we like to think we are better than that and are above such behavior in what we would hope are more enlightened times, at least outside of places like Saudi Arabia where whippings, amputations and beheadings are deemed wholesome family entertainment. As for those of us living in the present age and not the Middle Ages, we wish to impose a penalty upon certain individuals who are blatantly guilty of contributing to the widespread misery without tainting ourselves as barbarous butchers in the process.

Towards that end, we at bobcrespo.com propose a revival of The Two Quick Slaps Awards. After a vote on the most deserving recipients, a panel of 10 or 20 slappers (more than that might be too time-consuming, or fatal, whichever is worse) can be drawn by lot to administer two sharp slaps to the the insolent faces of any or all of those mentioned below. Or feel free to include your own write-in candidates along with a brief description of their transgressions. And the 2009 Two Quick Slaps Award goes to...

Richard and Mayumi Heene for The Dumbest News Story Category: The Heenes decided they wanted in on some of that reality show action, those TV programs that celebrate what fine families we have here in the good old U.S. of A. To illustrate why they were so deserving of their own show, they enlisted their 6 year-old son to be a liar when they launched an out-of-control hot air balloon and told the authorities he was aboard. Well, the Heenes got arrested, admitted the hoax and face custody hearings over their 3 children. Sounds like a surefire ratings winner! Thursdays on Fox, 8PM, 7 Central.

Bull O'Really, Crush Limburger and Gland Bucks for The Alarmist Blowhard Category: Past perennial winners O'Really and Limburger are joined by newcomer Gland Bucks in a 3-way tie for the coveted Alarmist Blowhard Award. Bucks has shown himself to be their equal in ignorance, lying and arrogance, and has gone these 2 famous gas bags one better by having having his tear ducts surgically altered to flow at will, ratcheting up his fake sincerity level several notches. Applications for awards presenters are skyrocketing. Line forms to the left.

MIchael Moore and Keith Olberman for The Most Annoying Liberal Award: These two have done more damage to the good causes they champion that any 10 Bull O'Reallys ever could, simply by force of their unappealing personalities. Mr. Moore thinks he is competing for the Nobel Smug Fat Slob Prize, While Olberman loves the sound of his own bleating voice more than the air he breathes (far more than his share). These two condescending clowns are also up for the Ted Kennedy Memorial Largest Head Award, hoping to unseat incumbent Lou Dobbs and potentially making them the first Multiple Two Quick Slaps Award Winners since Shotgun Dick Cheney and Karl "The Animal" Rove swept the Best Puppeteer and Most Malignant American categories as co-winners for 8 straight years.

Laura Harper and Mark Rayder for The Congressional Corruption Award: While neither of these two are members of the House or Senate, they are two of the leading lobbyists for the private health care industry. If you are wondering who is killing the Public Option Benefit of the Health Care Reform Bill (or at least has it on life support), look no further than the legions of wealthy lobbyists hired by wealthy health care corporations, who actively bribe our legislators in order to control the American government by working against the interests of the American people. There are far too many lobbyists to include them all here, so Ms. Harper and Mr. Ryder get the dubious honor of receiving Two Quick Slaps for all of these walking cancers in human form.

President Barack Obama for The Hamlet To Be Or Not To Be Award: When we last elected a president, we opted for the smart guy with a plan as opposed to the dumb guy with the puppet strings. Not only that, we handed the guy an insurmountable majority in both Houses of Congress! Would it be too much to ask that he stops deliberating at snail speed over every policy decision and piece of legislation as if these were brand new choices and not things he came in promising to do? What's to decide? He said he wanted to end our two wars, close Guantanamo and pass a Public Option Health Care Bill. It's written down and on video tape, you can look it up. Why the Hamlet act when next year's mid-term elections can very well close the window of opportunity to pass the agenda that the American people elected you to implement? Two Quick Slaps and A Swift Kick In The Butt for you, Mr. President.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer for The Prison For Profit Award: Arizona Governor Jan Brewer's official web site motto is "Building a better Arizona!" Like many of his Republican colleagues, he apparently thinks that building a better state of this union entails the profitizing of municipal services. Towards that end, he is entertaining bids from private corporations to run the entire Arizona Prison System. This malignant trend has led to Private Prison lobbyists petitioning state and federal governments to pass laws mandating longer prison sentences for every crime, thus maximizing their profits. In a country that imprisons more of our citizens than any other nation and persists in calling ourselves "The Land of The Free," this practice is unconscionable and a blatant attempt to shirk governmental responsibility. You think prisons are horrible criminal academies now? Wait until the profit-driven corporations drop all pretense of reforming and educating inmates so that petty criminals become the lifelong raw material for their sordid industry. Two Very Hard Slaps from inmates jailed for years for misdemeanors for Governor Brewer.

General Stanley McChrysal for The I Hated History Class Award: The commander of NATO (read that: American) forces in Afghanistan is convinced that he can turn Afghanistan into America Lite if only he's given 40,000 more troops, neatly omitting the fact the armed troops traipsing around our streets and countryside is not necessary for America to be America. What he also apparently forgets is that America won that war years ago, annihilating their armed forces and toppling their government. The only thing is, that he wasn't in command back then, and desperately needs a victory for his Joint Chiefs of Staff resume, so apparently he wants to re-defeat Afghanistan. Clever, no? Which has happened to Afghanistan any number of times in their 5,000 year history, including by Alexander The Great in 330 BC. Afghanis paid no attention to the many "conquerors" who came and went and continued to be the loose tribal confederation it has always been. Then there is the stated reason why America defeated Afghanistan in the first place, to rid the place of Al Qaeda. Mission accomplished, McChrystal, they all moved across the street to Pakistan. Two Quick Slaps for the ambitious General McChrystal.

Readers may feel free to tell bobcrespo.com of any other deserving nominees in any category they chose. This list has not even touched upon the Most Annoying Celebrity Award or the Dopiest Olympic Sport Award, two perennial favorites. Then there's the Famous For Being Famous Award, with multiple winner Paris Hilton facing some stiff competition from that clue-free dunce Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 Lawsuits fame. The Two Quick Slap Awards are very flexible, so feel free to nominate anyone who gets on your nerves. Your comments will be posted unedited on this website, so feel free to vent your spleen. The Two Quick Slap Awards may not lift the hard times, but they will make us all feel so much better.