THE GO AWAY LIST

People who need to go away, in no particular order:

Shotgun Dick Cheney: Supposedly retired in what should be complete disgrace, Shotgun Dick has been reinforcing his image as a shameless hate monger, torturer and killer of human beings by going on TV a lot lately and defending the Bush The Younger Administration like those 8 years were some kind of Golden Age instead of the corrupt and incompetent cesspool that they were, a disaster for America and the world. And if anybody still thinks that Dumbya was in charge, well, ask Shotgun Dick who was calling the shots. The buckshot stopped at his desk. We know, we know! Now go away, Darth.

Donald Trump: A man who makes everybody's Go Away List, Donald Trump made his name as a builder and developer. Lately his building and development skills have been concentrated on his own ego, which was already one of the most formidable in existence but now threatens to dwarf the Sears Tower. Perhaps if we promise him yet another airhead blonde trophy wife he'll go away. No wait, that's been done repeatedly before but he just never goes away. What's it going to take to convince this airbag that we find him as entertaining as a root canal?

Lindsay Lohan: Isn't this kid supposed to be an actress? Anybody remember any movies she's been in lately? Or ever, for that matter? That's very Madonna-like, who is a singer on paper, but few people can recall any of her songs. Between the lesbian-not-a-lesbian soap opera, the public drug rehabs and car crashes, is there an interesting career in there somewhere we should know about? If not, then just go away.

Glen Beck: If you thought Bill O'Really was the biggest buffoon on Fox News, well, he's been eclipsed by the blubbering fool Glen Beck, an absolutely off-the-wall moron and rabid fear monger. He''s got some kind of I'm-a-real-America-and-those-who-disagree-with-me-are-not shtick, pretty much revolving around the 9/11 attacks, imagined conspiracies and the dire threat of useful social programs. It's hard to identify his message since he routinely loses any semblance of self-control. His is a strange act for a guy who's supposedly a political commentator, and a lot of people can't decide whether he's a psychotic clown, a shameless opportunist or just someone who hates everybody. Whatever the case, this guy needs to go away.

The American Chopper Guy: Paul Teutel, Sr., the Hulk Hogan look-alike who's the main guy on the TV show "American Chopper," has been everywhere lately, even getting Sarah Palen (another Go Away List All Star) to get all weepy about his (!) patriotism, of all things. A loudmouth who bullies and berates his children, he's just one of thousands and thousands of guys who can supe up Harley Davidson motorcycles. Why give this irritable dope a TV show and invite him to appear on every other TV show? Fire his grumpy ass and let his goofy son Michael take over.

NASCAR Drivers: Is there a pressing reason to make celebrities of guys who's main skill is turning left all day while driving really fast? And call them athletes? And why do they wear those whacky coveralls with 85 car product ads sewn on to them when they appear someplace other than a racetrack? They're probably afraid no one will know who they are without them. Not to worry Goober, as soon as you open your mouth and nothing remotely intelligible comes out, people will know you're a Nascar driver. Go make another left and disappear.