HELP WANTED: ANALYSTS AND EXPERTS NEED NOT APPLY

Looks like the good old U.S. of A is in world of trouble. Our economy is still taking a severe beating, jobs are evaporating and homes are being foreclosed in record numbers. And you are hearing from all sorts of self-appoinrted analysts and experts what the proper solutions to these huge problems ought to be. Well, that begs the question: Where were these analysts and experts two years ago, when they might have sounded a warning? And what's the deal with the title "economist?" How hard is it to attain that lofty position when no actual knowledge seems to be involved in calling yourself an economist?

And how about "financial analyst?" They must be handing out those diplomas in Cracker Jacks boxes too. They all seem to have the answers now, and it's not the ones the people in charge of actually dealing with these huge problems are proposing. Well, if these financial analysts are so smart, how did our economy collapse in the first place with so many of them around? Isn't the whole concept of being an analyst is that you need to have the ability to analyze things? To see the big picture and identify potential problems before they become full-blown disasters? Or are the titles "Analyst" and "Expert" just neat-looking signs to paint on your office door so that no one will know exactly what it is you do all day but won't bother you because of your impressive title?

And so the experts and analysts blow smoke and tell us that the government can't do anything about the economy, they'll just screw it up. Oh, we should let them fix it? Moe, Larry and Curly shouldn't be given a second shot at fixing the plumbing after they have flooded the whole neighborhood. These are the guys who thought it would be a great idea to make trillions in loans they knew were worthless, then to package and sell those loans to other experts and analysts for huge profits, like a bunch of children playing hot potato with other people's money. Like it or not, it's the government who has to be the one act like a grown-up and clean up their mess, maybe send these people to their rooms for an extended time out.

And what's so dumb about the government? Can any corporation match the efficiency of the Post Office? How about Social Security? Month in, month out, millions of checks are mailed to their proper recipients with damned few glitches. Who runs the military? Not any corporation, that's for sure. You'd sort of hate for the go-ahead to send in the Marines to come from some committee of corporate analysts or experts. We'd have ben overrun by Honduras years ago if corporations ran the military. All those new weapons would still be on the drawing board while the executives divvied up the military budget for bonuses, golf outings and Lear jets.

Not that the government is perfect either. Twenty years ago, when the Soviet Union went belly-up, all the analysts and experts in all of the government's so-called "intelligence" organizations were as surprised as the rest of us. Yes, the people whose only job was to keep track of such things had no clue as to biggest political realignment of the 20th century. The suspicion here is that the government fired all these useless experts and analysts and they all found work in the financial sector where they proceeded to not analyze a thing and to be experts in doing jack-all. They did, however, draw impressive salaries and had cool lettering on their office doors.

So now the nation needs help in a big way. We can only hope that the experts and analysts are given only courtesy interviews and shown the door in a hurry. Maybe just hire a bunch smart people who don't lay claim to any supernatural abilities, people who will work hard, act responsibly and do whatever it takes to fix their nation. People who will actually consider ideas from people not in the same political party as themselves. Maybe people who will obey the law and expect others to do the same, which is pretty much the definition of most people. When you are not encumbered and exalted with the title "Expert" or "Analyst," you tend to think of yourself and mortal and fallible, and so you do your level best to get things right.

So it's time to fire all the experts and analysts and fill their jobs with earnest Joes and Janes who want to work effectively and earn their pay. True, that's a radical concept, but hard times make for hard choices. Fire all the banking, insurance, investment and automotive CEOs too, under whose leadership the strongest economy in world history has been brought to the brink of collapse. They weren't asked to do anything but keep our successful financial institutions and core manufacturing companies working as always, in other words: "Just don't fuck this up." Not a huge request. Well, that task was obviously well beyond their capabilities, so it's time to get some new keepers for the Golden Goose. And whatever we do, don't let any of the new people paint the words "Analyst" or "Expert" on their office doors. When that happens, we might as well turn the whole thing over to the exalted firm of "Moe, Larry & Curly, Analysts and Experts in All Things, Unlimited."