Who's idea was it to install televisions on top of every pump at gas stations? More importantly, can that guy be legally taken out and shot down like a rabid dog? Is there anybody around who thought the gas-pumping experience needed to be enhanced with blaring news reports? How much per-gallon extra is this service costing us? Enough to hire someone to pump the gas for us again, maybe squeegee the windshield and check the oil?
Was there a public clamor around 10 years ago for television shows with no scripts, no stories and no actors? Other than the news, that is, which was already depressing enough. Now we're stuck with with a contest where one reality show tries to out-moron the next one and, truth be told, there's a lot of stiff competition for Dumbest Idea and Biggest Jackass.
How pressing a need did we have for text-messaging? Is it filling any sort of gaping void in our lives? Most of us figure, well, we've already got these cell phones right there in the old pocket, call me, I'm available. Let's talk. The whole thing takes less than a minute, unlike the texting deal, which eats up valuable chunks of our lives for frivolous bullshit that can wait, like forever. Never mind texting me instructions in a one-sided conversation, we already have e-mail for that. Anything so pressing that it can't wait just might be a good time to actually speak to someone. Like a friggin' therapist, maybe. You can even text your sessions with those ineffectual clowns and leave the rest of us alone. It's a win-win situation for text addicts and their victims. They won't be cured, of course, but we won't have to know about it one way or the next.
Since when did NASCAR become a mainstream sport? Bad enough we have that punching-on-iceskates fiasco called hockey, now we're supposed to watch rednecks drive around in ovals? Why? And then we have to consider these guys athletes and not lunatics? Fat chance. Pretty much any driver can turn left all day. The only thing to look forward to at one of these races is a spectacular crash, and that's pretty morbid. Which is why most of us, not giving a rat's ass who won the damned silly race, tune in to the sports news highlights shows where only the crashes are featured. It's a huge time saver.
Every so often you're at your computer and a window pops up telling you that new software or an important upgrade is available. Which sort of makes you wonder what's wrong with your machine as it is, so you push the right buttons, punch in your secret password and BIngo!, the newest information is uploaded. The only thing is that afterwards you don't notice any difference at all in your computer's performance. So you wonder if (A.) this is some sort of scam, or (B.) you've just surrendered a whole bunch of megabytes of memory for a feature you'll never use in the course of your natural life.
Okay, so now we drink our water in bottles and pay a dollar for the privilege. We carry it around with us like we're crossing the desert. We'll cede that little piece of absurdity, it's sort of too late in the game to question that whole deal. Do we have to know what the ingredients are? There shouldn't be any at all other than water, no? So what's with the calorie counts and vitamin percentage lists (zero, zero, zero and zero)? If they feel the need to print something on these labels, how about jokes? Other than the one about charging us a dollar to drink water, that is. That would just be rubbing it in.
Who decided that dogs had to be neutered? Wouldn't a vasectomy do the trick? How would any of us like to be owned and dominated, and on top of that robbed of the relief of being able to hump each other? That's just wrong. Bad enough the dopey names we give these poor creatures. Give little Fluffy at least the dignity of keeping his nuts. And we call this the "humane" thing to do! If it was you facing a knife to your privates, you'd probably want to slow down and take a few moments to rethink that whole humanity thing. Few among us would say "Stop me before I screw again!"
Do we need TV sets with DVD players in the minivan to amuse Pee Wee on the way to soccer practice? Okay, the little ones may not be the most riveting of conversationalists, but they're never going to get there if no one ever talks to them. Shutting them up with dopey video games and constant TV shows isn't doing them any favors. Sooner or later they'll be expected to participate in at least some form of human interaction. And if you're taking a long trip, why give them one more thing to fight over in the back seat? What ever happened to yelling at your kids when they misbehave, or threatening to turn this car right around? If you're going to traumatize the tykes, might as well do it right.
Which one of us thought it would be great if a dozen people on TV could explain to us what we just heard in our native language and saw with our own eyes? Used to be just the one guy after a presidential speech or some big news event, and he was plenty annoying enough. Now we've got committees of interpreters of things that need no interpretation. There's still the one main guy, but he keeps calling on "experts" of one sort or another to put their two cents in for a more "in-depth analysis," or as in-depth as these clods can manage in 30 second sound bytes. According to the committee, you did not hear what you thought you heard, and did not see what was plain as day. Who knew we were so stupid? It's pretty humbling, no?
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