COMPANIES THAT WON'T GET BAILED OUT

So here we are bailing out some of the richest people on the planet, leading bankers and industrialists, none of whom are volunteering any of their own vast personal wealth to help the companies they helped ruin. It's a pretty odd state of affairs for the United States of America, one-time poster child among nations for Capitalism with a capital C, yet in spite of all the public bleating to the contrary, government bail-outs of large corporations are nothing new. The Airline industry was saved by Uncle Sam in 2001, the Savings and Loan sector in 1989, The Continental Illinois National Bank and Trust Company in 1984, Chrysler Motors in 1979, Franklin National Bank in 1974, Lockheed Aircraft in 1971 and the Penn Central Railroad in 1970, most occurring under Republican presidents. So much for being the "Party of Business" and the champions of unbridled capitalism. So let's not quibble here about keeping some our vital industries afloat before they all wind up in Third World nations.

Bad enough we don't make our own electronic gear, but that's not nearly as embarrassing as our inability to make socks and underwear in the event of a war with China. Which leads one to wonder where they make toilet paper and soap and fervently hope those nations are staunch allies. We're going to have to get rid of the Lex Luthors who have been running these corporations as their own personal piggy banks and make sure they start doing what they are supposed to do, what they've always done until the new breed of uber-greedy executives took over and started buying Rembrandts with company funds for the bathroom walls in their summer palaces. But there are limits. In the interest of public service, here is a list of companies who are definitely not deserving of a bailout.

WOLF FILMS - The production company that created the hit TV show "Law and Order" and then proceeded to spin it off into a dozen or more separate but unequal Law and Order shows. They have now applied for a government grant to create yet another one, this one called Law and Order: Sidewalk Vendor Unit, profiling the investigation and prosecution of guys selling hot pretzels and plastic Statues of Liberty on New York sidewalks without a proper street vending license. That's one Law and Order too many.

MEGAGIANTBIGMART UNLIMITED- A box store company that sells everything that can possibly be sold, with each of their 12,000 stores the size of several football fields, so huge that they blot out the sun in the towns where they are located, killing all surrounding vegetation and adversely affecting the local climate. When they come to town every local business including the funeral parlor goes bankrupt and everyone in town is forced to work at MegaGiantBigMart for minimum wage.

METHANE ENERGY RECYCLERS - This company seems at first glance to be on the right track, providing a viable alternative energy source in a world crying out for alternative energy. But a closer look at their application for federal funds reveals that their whole plan is to install flatulence collectors on fat guys to harness their gaseous emissions. Their business profile includes providing the fat guys with a bean-heavy diet to improve yield. Whether or not it is feasible is beside the point. Let's take a pass on this one.

NASA - Yes, NASA is already a government agency, the organization in charge of our space program. Anything they've done since the 1969 Moon Landing exciting anybody? Enough said. Replace them with some of the adventurous types that used to work there before they got bogged down in cautious, boring commercial enterprises and unmanned probes that don't work all that well. Those flying tractor-trailer Space Shuttles are being mercifully phased out before another one blows up. And didn't they install the lens on the Hubbel Telescope backwards at first, having to send up a space handyman to fix it? Meanwhile, there's no shortage of skilled and daring aviators willing and eager to explore the solar system and beyond. Cut NASA's budget back to weather satellite deployment status and let real men and women in an entirely new space agency lead us to the stars.

DONALD TRUMP DEVELOPERS- While The Donald has yet to apply for a government bail-out, ironically he was once bailed out by some of the financial institutions that are now taking government bail-out funds. He declared business bankruptcy once and came near to personal bankruptcy but managed to rebound with some fancy footwork and by ceding partial ownership of some of his properties to his creditors, among them Citicorp and Chase. While Trump was once a gifted real estate developer, those days seem to be gone as he concentrates on being a public nuisance. Perhaps as a condition of the bailouts Uncle Sam might include a provision designed to deny Trump any further financing until he starts developing something other than his mouth and his colossal ego. It's a win-win public service situation, the banks regaining solvency and The Donald being effectively muzzled. A grateful nation would forgive the banks their incompetence and greed if they could make that small miracle happen.

AMERICAN EXPRESS - The credit card giant is in trouble in large part because they extended almost unlimited credit to wealthy customers. No problem there, you say? They're rich and can afford it, right? Well, AMEX let their debts build up to several million dollars before bothering to send these high rollers a bill. Here's the catch: In a stunning reversal of roles, in this latest financial collapse it was the rich who took the first hit, having lots of dough tied up in the stocks of those giant banks, insurance companies, investment houses and credit card companies than just blew trillions of dollars of their investors' money. Guess what? The rich are stiffing AMEX. After their snooty ad campaigns selling themselves as the preferred double-dippped-platinum-diamond-gold-frankincense-and-myrrh card of the filthy rich, well, nobody's shedding too many tears to see them fall victim to their own kind and their own pretensions. And it's refreshing to the rest of us delinquent credit card payers to see that the rich really aren't so different after all. We working stiffs have all been hard up against it for a long time now and as we all know, misery loves company and a lot of people love to see the mighty fall, especially the arrogant ones. See you guys at the unemployment office. And no cutting the line, either, Bub.