GEE, THANKS FOR ALLOWING US TO KEEP WHAT IS OURS, AND OTHER SHAKY ASSUMPTIONS

Watching the presidential debates, which were not really debates of any sort since no candidate addressed the other and picked apart their arguments, one disturbing sentiment emerged form both the Republican and Democratic candidates. They both repeatedly referred to "allowing Americans to remain in their homes." How's that again, oh great Statesman? Allow us to keep what we own? Nobody recalls asking their permission to buy our homes, or either of them coming by to help paint the place, fix the plumbing, patch the roof, tend the garden or even shovel the snow after a blizzard. We put our life savings on the line to get these houses, poured uncounted hours of work into improving and maintaining them and called them home. Who the hell is anybody to allow us to keep what is ours?

Perhaps the candidates were confused, what with the 2-year, 24/7 ordeal America puts its candidates through before presidential elections. That's got to wear on you. Maybe they thought that Bush the Younger assumes that along with nationalizing the banks that our homes were now the property of the Federal government too. In Senator John McCain's case, a man at an age when most of his contemporaries are either long retired or dead, you can sort of understand his chalky blank stare.

Presidential campaigns are very grueling, and this poor guy is so exhausted from trying to keep up with what it is his handlers decide he stands for this week it's no wonder the Alzheimer's disease is kicking in early and with such ferocity. But Senator Barack Obama is young and healthy. What's his excuse for for playing the role of Liege Lord, benevolently allowing us serfs to remain in our thatched cottages on his vast estate? McCain's the guy with 10 homes, isn't he? Not that he remembers this, but it's true.

You have to watch these assumptions, they can be catching. Look at Sarah Palin, who keeps asking who the hell Barack Obama is. Well, shouldn't somebody on her staff tell her that for two years the American people have found out so much about Barack Obama that she's probably the only person in America who doesn't know who Barack Obama is? Maybe if she had read a newspaper once in a blue she would know. The campaign has been pretty widely reported, no?

You can safely bet she knows who Britney Spears is, even up there in frozen Alaska, which is still one of the United States in spite of Governor Palin's husband's attempts to have it secede from the Union. But she's so adamant in her assumption that Americans share her profound ignorance that she's got the Alzheimer's guy all confused and now he's wondering who is Barack Obama. That would be the guy kicking your ass in the polls, Senator. It's sad, really, when the two best minds the Republican Party can come up with are so damned feeble, one by nature and one by a debilitating disease and the ravages of old age.

Another false assumption was that Bush the Younger would finally touch something and it would not turn into a steaming pile of shit. Why did anybody tell him about the bank failures and the financial disaster that befell the nation in recent weeks? What the hell were they thinking? So much for the bail-out now that Dumbya is in the loop. Kiss that $850 billion goodbye now that he's involved. This is the guy who, lest we forget, invaded the wrong country! That's about as big a mistake as a president can make. And also the guy who keeps saying we still need a victory in Iraq despite the fact that 5 years ago our army completely destroyed theirs in a matter of 2 months and occupied their entire country.

Didn't anybody tell this guy that doing these things pretty much sums up winning a war? And on top of that, we disbanded their army and hunted down their leader in a hole in the ground and hung him. Like from the neck until dead hung him. Sounds like a big win, no? Maybe even overkill. What else do our troops have to do to satisfy this dunce that we won the Iraq War so they can leave that backward sweltering sandbox already? So, who was it that let the cat out of the bag and told Bush The Younger we were having a banking crisis? He could be placidly serving out his term clearing brush and tumbleweed from Texas, a full-time job if ever there was one, but noooo, now we're going to be stuck with this crisis for 5 more years of failure after failure. Thanks, Paulie!

Another dangerous assumption is that the Republicans are not going to try to steal this presidential election like they did the last two. They're already beating the drums about poor people getting organized into voter fraud rings, like that could happen. Some of them are even blaming the poor (!) for the banking crisis! How's that for onions? Yeah, you've really got to watch those wily paupers with no access to power and no means of perpetrating mass voter fraud. One suspects that the blame for global warming and the continued failure of the Chicago Cubs to win a World Series will soon be blamed on the nation's poor. The FBI is already being mobilized to thwart this nonexistent plot instead of being assigned to get to the bottom of the extensive criminal fraud perpetrated by super-wealthy bankers.

And why not? It's not like the poor can call in any highly placed connections to deny these allegations. They're poor, for crying out loud! Pawns, really. And what do you do with pawns? Use them, of course! They're way too busy trying to keep food on their tables to even notice such things, never mind refute them. Only this time around, accuse the pawns of attempting to dominate the chess board as an excuse to wipe out their votes. Different strategy, same goal. And the infinitely sad thing is that so many of us buy into these insane assumptions. Shame on us.