THERE'S A REASON FOR THESE THINGS

Nature in its wisdom has given humans the ability to communicate but more importantly, the ability not to. There's a reason we can't read each others' minds and that is that if we could we'd be a each other's throats even more than usual. Think how many women men would offend if they could know right off the bat that the first thing we think of when meeting them for the first time is our chances of seeing them naked. So, it's a good thing that there's a filter between our brains and our mouths. Think of how many men would have their fragile egos crushed with an honest answer.

The non-mind reading thing also comes in handy when a woman asks a man what he's thinking. The truth would very often be "nothing at all" but you have a moment or two to come up with an answer you figure will please her so that you can have sex with her again real soon. Usually something about how good she looks or about curtains will suffice, so long as it's nothing about football. Women have notoriously low tolerance levels for football, but plenty of brain space for compliments and interior decorating. And that goes for even the most accomplished and sophisticated of women. Our educations never completely erase our basic natures. A new pair of shoes excites a woman neurosurgeon just as much as a cashier in a convenience store.

There's reasons for everything if you think about it. The clothing worn by Arabs in the desert, for example, those long flowing robes and turbans. They say it keeps them cool in that horrific heat but that doesn't make a lick of sense. No, those are spare tents for when company comes over at the oasis. And those body sacks they insist their women wear to hide everything but their eyes? No, that's not to keep them chaste like they claim, but great gimmicks for shoplifting. Those things are lined with deep pockets. Who's to tell which lumpy bundle of humanity is boosting goat steaks and which is just a dumpy broad? There's reasons for these things.

How about golf? There's a reason for that, too. It gives fat white guys the impression they are taking part in a sport, something to talk about other than stock options. At least the ones who can afford it. The poorer fat white guys have to settle for bowling. Most golfers hate Tiger Woods, since the participation of an actual athlete in this silly game naturally allows him to win almost all the time, making him far richer than most of the fat white guys who wouldn't have let Mr. Woods into their country clubs thirty years ago. He's closing in on a billion dollars in earnings very soon.

Bowlers now live in fear of a real athlete dominating their game too, winning all the tournaments and taking home all those hideous trophies. So there's a reason for Tiger Woods too, as sort of a human reality check. Now if someone could fix golf so it was actually a sport with real physical exertion, maybe some defense, running and strategy involved, there'd be some reason to pay attention to it. We're not there yet.

There's a reason why people hate lawyers, but not any of the obvious ones, you know, that whole greed thing, their assumption that they are smarter than regular people and their monopolizing of so many aspects of life that would be fairly routine without their annoying presence. It's their odor. Those people smell like rotten fish for the most part, sweating like fat guys in a sauna, and their breath would stop a pit bull attack. Nobody likes that. Nothing personal.

There's even a reason for religious whack jobs, that breed of men and women who take fairly simple ideas like peace, love and understanding and expand them to unrecognizably complex doctrines incorporating hatred, murder and intolerance. They exist to remind the rest of us that there but for the Grace of God go we. When your definition of loving your brother includes slaughtering him for not agreeing with you, maybe it's time to review the basic principles of your faith and see exactly where you went off the rails in a spectacular fiery crash. There's good reasons why people cross the street to avoid your irritating ass.