WHO'S AFRAID OF THE BIG BAD WOLF?

Well, who isn't afraid of the big bad wolf? And if not, why not? Are you nuts or something? Are you carrying a powerful rifle? There's no shame in having fears, rational or not. Fear is what got us here, species-wise. People who claim to have no fear are either lying or lacking in a basic survival mechanism. When our distant ancestors roamed the killing fields of prehistory, they trod lightly and only ventured forth armed to the teeth. Nothing like being a potential meal for Cadillac-sized predators to instill a little bit of healthy fear into a species.

Even the creatures we hunted were pretty deadly. Wooly Mammoths would just as soon trample you flat as look at you and Giant Caribou got a kick out of decorating their huge antlers with impaled cave men. That sort of thing impressed the lady Caribou no end. So, humans being so puny and easily squashed and pierced we developed a healthy respect for the endless dangers confronting us in a hostile world. Without the benefit of any fangs, claws, sharp horns, thick hide, massive strength, lightning-quick reflexes or great speed, humans banded together into clans, tribes and eventually nations to ensure our continued survival.

That strategy worked, and these days the gigantic land predators are all extinct, their smaller but still deadly descendants confined to game preserves and National Geographic TV shows. Which is not to say there is no reason to have fear anymore. It is us who are a danger to us today, having gone overboard with the clans, tribes and nations to the point where we are at each others' throats. When not going about our routine business of securing meals and warm shelter, we like nothing more than to slaughter one another, starve each other to death or lock people up in cages for a long time. We're so good at this sort of thing that we as a species have developed an innate fear of one another.

Again, an entirely rational reaction to the brutal realities of a hostile world, not unlike lion cubs having to be wary of neighboring adult male lions who want to slay them so they can mate with their Mom. The fact that this is a world of our own making doesn't make it any less frightening. So it's natural for us to have a fear of murder, accidents, war and famine. Goes with the human territory. There are other fears that have arisen within us as our world grows more complex, the fear of flying for example, something no cave man ever experienced unless he was flung off a cliff by a rival, and then that fear was fleeting, lasting only until he landed on the rocks below with a resounding thud, his worries over. Today there's lot of things that happen in the normal course of events that our ancestors didn't have to dwell upon. Following is a short list of modern phobias.

Botoxophobia: The fear of grotesquely altered movie stars. This common fear has been known to cause traumatic nightmares as well as violent arguments over the identity of some celebrity or other who sort of looks like somebody familiar. A related condition is called Kenny Rogers Syndrome.

Olympiphobia: The fear of missing the telecast of all 3,782 Olympic events and the irrational compulsion to learn the rules of Field Hockey. Side effects include insomnia, irritability and social ostracism.

Correctophobia: The fear of not being completely current with the latest memo on what is and is not proper to think or to say in public. Also known as Black or African-American? Disease, sufferers of this dread malady are subject to severe fits of indignation and hysteria upon hearing words like Pollack, Mrs., retarded, crazy or homo. Symptoms include physical manifestations like bending over backwards and mental fatigue from incessant brain gymnastics.

Cheneyphobia: A growing fear that Shotgun Dick Cheney will start World War 3 before leaving office next January. Medical science has found this fear to be a completely rational response and not a disease of any sort.

Mad Trump Disease: The nauseating reaction to images or interviews of Donald Trump. Again, according to the American Medical Association, a normal and healthy reaction to a growing and dangerous phenomenon. Many doctors go so far as the recommend painless euthanasia for The Donald in order to spare humanity. Others are not so benign and call for the televised stoning to death of Mr. Trump so as to publicly relieve sufferers of Mad Trump Disease of potential long-term damage to their neural receptors.

Nerdophobia; The fear of having to ask somebody to help you figure out your new cell phone or computer. Mental health professionals characterize this condition as a dangerous trend among Americans desperate to be more tech-savvy than their neighbor without having to consult some horn-rimmed geek with a pen caddy in his short-sleeved dress shirt pocket and a smug attitude to explain your iPod or PC. Recommended treatment: Call in the nerd and learn how to cut and paste and forward your calls already and get on with your damned life! Such as it is...

UFObia: The fear of delusional alien abduction fanatics, unemployed black hole scientists and Area 51 conspiracy theorists completely taking over the Science Channel, leaving precious little air time for real science like Big Foot and the Bermuda Triangle.

Sissyboyitis: A condition closely akin to Correctophobia but striking only adult males. The wide range of symptoms include reminding your old lady that "The Prince of Tides" or some other dumbass chick flick is on, watching "Sex And The City" with her, eating way too much greenery for a man, asking directions, wearing shoulder bags, attempting to rationalize abhorrent behavior by calling it "alternative" or "culture-specific," tolerance of politically correct assholes, moisturizing, owning multiple cats, nurturing, drinking umbrella drinks, pretending to like cuddling, cleaning up after themselves, being overly sensitive, treating women like men with tits and not opening doors for them anymore or being a gentleman, self-loathing and generally acting completely counter to inborn human male nature. Baffled Scientists are unsure whether this phenomenon is the result of fluoridated drinking water or a feeble attempt to get laid by sniveling wimps, citing study after study confirming that women are still attracted to the bad boys. Recommended treatment: Beer and sports. Follow this regimen and the mojo and attitude will return faster than one of your extra cats with its tail on fire.