SUGGESTIONS

Here's a suggestion to the science teachers ordered by the Florida Department of Education to teach the Theory of Evolution to high school students who believe that the Bible is a literal and accurate time-line description of the creation of the universe and life on earth, which they think is 5,768 years old. If they don't get with the program, fail them. Nobody ever asked us whether or not we believed in algebra. We had to solve for that damned X or fail the course. And that's just what we did, at least those of us who wanted to evolve into graduates. And natural selection being what it is, some fell by the wayside.

Offer the Florida students the same option; develop some damned legs and walk among reasoning beings or swim in the ocean of ignorance forever. If the parents who taught these kids that crap object, well, let them. No one expects any different from clue-free zealots, and no one is under any obligation to pay them the slightest heed. They'll be extinct soon enough, of mild interest only to social paleontologists. Meanwhile, educate all our children properly and keep religion and government mutually exclusive like the highly evolved framers of the United States Constitution mandated.

Here's another suggestion, this one for the Barack Oama campaign: The man's running for President, not Messiah. Lose "The One." How about instead being the one who can figure out how to end the Iraq war, catch Osama bin Laden, tax the super-wealthy again, reign in corporate treasury looters, initiate efforts to develop new energy sources, stop the hemorrhaging of American jobs and capital to foreign nations, help the homeless and rebuild America's respected image in the world? How about being that guy?

Start spelling out your plans or risk delivering the nation to that grumpy old man who wants to fight all the wars he can imagine, is surrounded by corporate lobbyists and power brokers and can't recall how many luxurious homes he owns. Biden, help the kid out here! There's too much at stake to keep running a Billy Graham-style evangelical stadium crusade instead of making serious plans. The prospect of President John McCain is just too scary.

A suggestion to John McCain: Talk to those geezers at "60 Minutes," and Larry King, some really old guys who still have all their marbles. Ask them what's their secret. At 72, you're a little young to be getting so senile, but the signs are unmistakable. Take some antioxidants, get some treatment already! You're scaring the children, Senator, and that blank disoriented look on your face when you're out in public is all too familiar to those of us who have a loved one with the same affliction. Nominating your wife to compete in a biker gang's wet T-shirt contest isn't reassuring anybody. Did you even know where you were that day? Are you still sleeping on the couch? Are you trying to make Bush the Younger look good? It won't work, you know, so snap out of it already before you lose even your own family's votes.

A humble suggestion to the Chinese Government: If you want the feel-good glow of the Olympics to continue, offer your mass resignations and call for free elections. You've gotten out of your people's way as far as business and commerce is concerned and they've made China an economic powerhouse, something all the 5 Year Plans and ass-backwards Communist policies in creation couldn't do. Let's see if they can't do better than you have, The Worst Government in The Whole Wide World. Odds are they won't even lock you up or force you to work on farms like you do to 80 year-old grannies. They'll just forget about your pathetic asses and make themselves one hell of a good country while you guys wax nostalgic about your days of torturing and murdering on a grand scale over wistful glasses of rice wine in your retirement homes.

One final suggestion, this one to Bill and Hillary Clinton: Get over it! You're both still rich, famous and influential, and America didn't lose out on a potential FDR or Lincoln, let's not kid ourselves here. The nation's work force is still waiting for the Universal Health Care that Hillary pushed for as First Lady and did nothing about in the Senate and is rapidly shrinking thanks to Bubba's NAFTA treaty, so let's not pretend you two have exclusive rights to the answers here. The Clinton Presidency only looks good because it was followed by the Bush The Younger Administration, America's Worst President Ever. People would fondly remember Herbert Hoover had he preceded Dumbya.

In a race where Hillary was the odds-on favorite from the start, Obama came from nowhere and won fair and square. What does that tell you? It tells the rest of us that people wanted the other guy more than Hillary. These things happen and life goes on. Get behind your party's candidate and work for change already or disappear gracefully. You're either bitter also-rans looking to sabotage the Democratic campaign to set yourselves up for 2012 or responsible leaders bowing to the will of the electorate and trying to rally votes for the people's choice. You can't have it both ways. It's your call, Bubba and Hill. The suggestion here? Get over it.