SIGHTINGS

Observed recently on Main Street:

Scientists are working on a pill that will trick our muscles into thinking we have been exercising. The pill tones your muscles and gives you the same stamina and vitality as a rigorous physical workout. Nothing there not to love with all your heart. Now if they could come up with a pill to convince yuppies that 6 pack abs are not necessarily an asset in the office, that it's the potbellied guy in the corner office who makes the really big dough, we'd be getting somewhere.

In preparation for the Olympic Games in Beijing, The Chinese Government is bending over backwards to remind everyone that their nation is not only Wal-Mart's largest subsidiary but one of the worst governments in history and has been since 1948. They are in effect telling us: "Hey, don't let the skyscrapers and the factories fool you folks, this is still The People's Republic of China and we hate everybody and treat our own people like crap. This is why nobody used to like us. Now that we're making your computers and Yankee caps, you think we're all of sudden going all George Washington on the world? Grow up!" The odd thing about all this is that many of are reassured and sustained by the unchanging nature of at least some things in life. Some of us were dismayed by their Nelson Mandela act, but the tyrannical goons who run the place have come shining through with some truly heinous behavior during the prelude to these Olympics Games, flooding us with nostalgic comfort. Keep up the good work.

General Motors reportedly lost $15 billion in the last quarter. How is that possible? A quarter is 3 months! Many of us would love the opportunity to squander $15 bil in 3 months' time. Line forms to the right.

The main suspect in the fatal anthrax powder mail attacks of 2001 killed himself the other day. Wonder what he used?

The New York Times reports Trolls on the internet. What, Trolls don't get to have computers, Mister-All-The-News-That's-Fit-To-Print? Are Troll-Americans less American?

In science news it is reported that a big chunk of Arctic Ice broke free, forming a large iceberg. Well, no shit! What's tomorrow's flash? It's hot in Rio?

Good news for Yankee fans. The Boston Red Sox shot themselves in the foot by trading hitting superstar Manny Ramirez to the Dodgers. Ownership got tired of "Manny being Manny." Dodger manager Joe Torre can't wait to have Manny being Manny in the middle of his batting order. The best hitter and run producer of his generation is a difference maker. Ask Boston Fans, who watched their team win zero World Series since 1918 and then two of them in four years with Manny Ramirez as their hitting star. His replacement, former Pittsburgh Pirate Jason Bay, has a huge hole to fill in Boston. The move is the equivalent of having their division rivals each pull off a great trade. Let The Curse of The Mannbino begin!

The Department of Homeland Security announced that from now on they are allowed to seize any traveler's laptop computer at the border and take it to an "unspecified location" for inspection whether or not the person is suspected of any wrong doing. Wait a minute! Unspecified location? That's where Dick Cheney lives! Is this the Vice President's way of shopping for the best laptop for writing his memoirs, by trying them all? Odd...

Another series of news stories give us a collective sigh of relief now that all our famous blonde bimbos are back to acting like sluts. One after the other they fall back in line, exhibiting the incredibly vulgar behavior for which they are widely known and loved. Don't let us down, girls! None of that I've-gone-respectable crap anymore! Who did you think you were kidding anyway? So, go slap somebody, wreck a car or two, break up a marriage, flash your goodies for the camera already! Welcome home, ladies, welcome home.

A profile of the remaining kings of the world was pretty disappointing. These guys dress more Brooks Brothers somber business man than supreme monarch flamboyant. Gone are the theatrical outfits , the erratic behavior and the colossal egos. There's not a Man Jack one of them worthy of the title "The Great" or "The Magnificent" or even "The Bloodthirsty." More like "King JoeBlow The Nondescript!" What's the point of being king if you can't be an unreasonable monster? People don't want Corporate Kings! They want real live rootin'-tootin delusional lunatics steering the ship of state! Fire-breathing, costume-wearing, jewelry-rattling sociopaths scaring the crap out of everybody. Now, that's a king!