MS. PALIN, THE ANSWER IS NOTHING

Sarah Palin, John McCain's running mate for the Presidency, said she could not be sure about whether or not she's ready to be Vice President until "Someone explains to me exactly what the VP does every day." Allow me, Sarah. The answer to that is Jack-all. Check the Constitution, lady. The Vice President pretty much hangs around waiting for a tie vote in the Senate, and not much else. So, one supposes you're ready to be Vice President. Hell, Andy Dick is ready to be Vice President.

In your case, however, part of your job will be to humanize John McCain, a man who seems more uncomfortable in his own skin than a snake ready to molt. And then there's his lapses of clarity, when his senility starts showing in the middle of a speech. You may feel obligated to step in and explain what he really meant to say when he starts rambling about nothing in particular, which is kind of a neat opportunity to say anything you feel like since McCain doesn't care much about any sort of consistent message and changes policies mid-sentence all the time. It will be a rare opportunity for a VP to voice any opinion other that "what he said."

On the down side, he may enter you in a biker gang's wet T-shirt contest like he did to his wife. Mrs. McCain wasn't such a good sport about it, but luckily for you you're a bit of a hottie and might win him some votes by showing off your assets. While it would be a lapse of good taste for a potential first lady like Cindy McCain to shake her money maker, to say nothing of the unpleasant mental image her naked bony ass conjures up, there's no dignity at all to uphold in the Vice presidency. There's not a word in the Constitution discouraging outrageous behavior in Vice Presidents. Hell, Dick Cheney shot an old guy in the face with a shotgun and nobody batted an eye! Everybody knows the son of a bitch is a crazy evil bastard and just shrugged it off as Dick being a dick.

So Ms. Palin, you may have stumbled into a job even easier than being Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, population 5,469 including caribou, who for the most part don't even vote. Being the Vice President is not even a part-time job, it's occasional work at best. Most Vice Presidents invent things to do in the absence of any actual job description, having no flair at all for the sporting life. In the unlikely event that the nation elects the nutty old coot McCain, you have an opportunity to kick back and do zip for four years. You'll be the envy of your fellow hockey Moms when you bring Junior to his game on Air Force Two. You and your family will be given a mansion, a huge staff and a large contingent of Secret Service Agents, although the bodyguards might be a drawback when you go hunting and fishing and they constantly wrestle the forest animals to the ground and frisk them. Might be amusing,though, just like John McCain's choice of running mate.