IS THIS NECESSARY?

Looking around us in this big old world, we behold wonders and mysteries and miracles. Men have stood on the moon, towers scrape the sky, travel across vast oceans is swift, safe and comfortable, communication is accomplished in the blink of an eye and paper towels absorb many times their own weight in spilled Kool Aid. Okay, not everything is so profound, but you get the drift. This is one complex ball of wax we ride, this planet we call Earth. Life and progress proceed swiftly, technology molds our future and instant communication informs our present, wonders upon wonders delivered to our very doorsteps. Blessed are we to be alive today.

But then again, you look around and can't help but note that not everything that's new and shiny is such a blessing, and you ask yourself: "Is this necessary?" Then you might tell yourself: "This is friggin' irritating!" And it's not just sychronized swimming and gun shooting being called sports, it's a lot of things. Now, the vast majority of us are well versed in our native language before our age is more than one number, and by the time we are of an age to pay atention to the world around us we're stocked with all kinds of knowledge and experience. So when the president makes a speech about one thing or another, do we need TV news readers to come on afterwards to tell us what he just said, what we just heard in our native language with our own ears?

Is this necessary? For them maybe, since they possess no skills at all other than restating the obvious, but surely not for the rest of us. Which is where the greatest technological advance in telecommunications history comes in very handy, the MUTE button. Or there's always the old standby, the ON/OFF switch. Humanity waits in eager anticipation for MUTE buttons and ON/Off switches for a number of other irritants. A remote control ON/OFF switch for cars that have been converted into rolling arena-sized public address systems would be nice. Let others enjoy whatever music they prefer, that's no issue at all, but when you can feel the bass rattle your fillings from a hundred yards away and drowning out the radio station in your own car with the windows rolled up, your space is being invaded.

If others had the option to turn their 1,000 watt stereos off from a distance, then perhaps after a couple of dozen times they'd get the memo and turn it down to merely deafening. While others opt for small arms fire in these situations, we call upon our technical wizards to come up with a more humane way of letting a guy know he's acting like an asshole. Perhaps a light taser shock, just a tiny jolt since he's driving a car and all. Pistols are just so yesterday's technology and very messy. But then again, sometimes technology is the problem. Then what?

Consider the electronic devices in your home, your televisions, stereos, DVD players, computers, cable or satellite hookups and the like. They have more functions and options than NASA requires! Is it necessary to have to call up some technical geek in India who tells you his name is Billy in order to watch The Jerry Springer Show or record your favorite dumbass reality show? And if you want to hook all these devices together, why do you need a team of geeks to descend on your home and wire the place up like Frankenstein's laboratory, who then leave without telling you how any of this stuff works and you're back on the phone with "Billy" again, trying in vain to understand his thick Gujarat accent?

So in an effort to streamline our lives and separate the wheat from the chaff, bobcrespo.com has compiled a short list of things you have to ask yourself: "Is this necessary?"

1. Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly: Do we really need 2 guys like this; vicious, ignorant liars acting as unofficial Ministers of Propaganda? The proposal here is a cage match unto the death of one or the other, doesn't matter which one. The winner gets to continue his agenda of making stuff up and presenting it as fact for millions of dollars a year and the people who like that sort of thing are rewarded for their limited attention span and lack of analytical skills.

2. The United Nations: Is there a less united organization around? Or one less effective? Perhaps a year's sabbatical might provide UN delegates some much-needed time for reflection on whether or not those 6-month studies are the best way to solve immediate problems. And maybe thinking up a new motto besides "60 years of not making a dime's worth of difference!"

3. Reality television: Did we need a daily reminder of how banal and small-minded people can be? Can we institute some kind of limit on the amount of shows that reward viciousness and petty scheming?

4. The Fat Police: Isn't the function of government supposed to be paving roads, fighting fires, defending the nation and maintaining some, but not too much semblance of order? Leave the fat guys alone, they never did anything to you! What kind of lard they use to fry their donuts is nobody else's business, nor is it necessary to post the calorie counts of Big Macs. All those crazy fad diets don't do a damned thing but make the authors rich. If outgrowing their entire wardrobe more often than a teenager in a growth spurt didn't get their attention, well, what can anyone else do? They're fat, not stupid, and know full well that the only way to lose weight is eating less and exercising more. It's their life, and besides, where would our comedians get half their material without fat people? Is anybody thinking about that? We need our comedy!

5. The Weather Channel: Does anybody beside the people who live there give a rat's ass what the weather is like in Nebraska? You want to know what the weather is like right outside! Don't people have windows anymore? Or newspapers where they have printed accurate weather forecasts for over a century? Here's a flash to save time: It's hot in the tropics, cold in the north and the weather in London usually sucks. What's next, The Time Channel?

6. Safety Warnings: Outside of power tools, poisons and high voltage electrical gear, how many safety labels do we need? Anybody who doesn't realize that step ladders can be hazardous is a prime candidate for the thinning of the herd. See, that's the one of the drawbacks to living in a civilized and ordered society; the dumb get to survive and breed, and even get elected president from time to time. In prior times predators took care of the feeble minded pretty quick and the rest of us got on with our lives without so many idiots clogging up the doorways.

7. Instant Psychology: Anybody who has ever known or been "treated" by a mental health professional knows what clueless boobs they are, so why would anybody put one of these insight-free jerkoffs on television and popularize their meaningless jargon? There are no quick fixes for addled minds and these psycho-babbling charlatans know it. Why encourage them?

8. Tofu: Let's see, it's not meat, it's not dairy, so it's got to be made from some kind of plant, right? A Tofu plant? Does anyone really know? Have they seen it manufactured, or know just what process is used to remove all traces of flavor from this alleged food-like substance?

9. Car alarms: When was he last time a car alarm went off and anybody thought a car was being stolen? These shrieking annoyances that go off at the slightest breeze and never, ever when the car is actually being stolen are another candidate for universal MUTE switches.

!0. Disposable Celebrities: Take your pick of a very large litter, none of them in any way skilled, talented or remotely interesting. Why not skip the disposal part and never give them any publicity to begin with? There's something very odd about a person being famous only for being famous. Isn't there supposed to be some accomplishment involved in renown?