DOPOTO REPORTS: SURPRISES IN THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS

Reports have crossed the desk of The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO) that the Dead Sea Scrolls will be posted on the internet. The Israeli government, owners of the scrolls, is allowing scientists to digitally scan the ancient parchment and papyrus texts, a process that will take two years before the format for internet posting is decided upon. The Israelis figure that will make the texts widely available to scholars, scientists and researchers and preserve them forever. It is well known that the Dead Sea Scrolls are copies of the Hebrew Bible minus the book of Esther written in ancient Hebrew, Early Greek and Aramaic. Also in the scrolls is a description of the construction of Solomon's Temple, discussions of the rituals of an obscure Jewish sect around the time of Christ and accounts of Jewish life and the lives of early Christians in the first century.

Interesting stuff, to be sure, and DOPOTO has been privileged to take a sneak peak at the scrolls. Not having any Aramaic speakers or ancient languages scholars on the payroll, we were relived to receive an English translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls. Most of them were as expected, faithful renditions of the Old Testament, or Torah, the same stories we've been reading for thousands of years, but with a few twists that have since been edited out of modern scripture. There were some real surprises, which DOPOTO is pleased to share with our readers. Some have to do with familiar books of the Bible, others with the accounts of life back in the day.

The Dead Sea itself was referred to as The Sea.

Christ's disciples called him Jerry.

Moses' mother wanted him to be an lawyer. He figured, lawyer, lawgiver, what's the dif?

The truth was that Job was prone to tantrums and constant complaining about all his tribulations.

Instead of a cross around their necks, early Christians wore a nail.

Solomon's Temple wasn't the nicest building in Jerusalem. It was one of John McCain's houses.

Joseph's coat of many colors was green, yellow and brown.

Jesus had a brother named Fredo who never amounted to much and was an embarrassment to the family. There were rumors of one of the disciples taking him fishing and returning alone.

Noah's Ark had racing stripes and was named "Endless Summer II".

David kept Goliath's severed head, hollowed it out, turned it upside down and used it as umbrella stand. After a few years it was pretty rank but by then he was king and that was that, it was a keeper.

There was an eleventh plague in Egypt; poodles. That's the one that convinced Pharoah to let the Jews go.

Sodom and Gomorra were popular tourist destinations.

Contrary to legend, the forty years the Jews were in the desert were not spent wandering. They sort of liked it there. It did wonders for their sinuses and they were in no rush to move. It was only when God threatened to cut off their manna did they rouse themselves to go to the Promised Land.

When Jesus rose from the dead the first thing he did was beat the crap out of the Roman soldiers who whipped him and hung him on a cross. Witnesses reported hearing him repeat over and over as he pummeled them "Prince of Peace, my ass!"

When Cain slew Abel, he was caught through forensic evidence. Ancient detective Sherlock took a plaster cast of his sandal prints, matched them up and he had to fess up.

Lazarus wasn't too crazy about being raised from the dead. His life was a mess and his wife was having an affair with the goat-milk man.

The only comedy entry of The Bible, Acts of Shecky, was edited out of the final draft.

The reason nobody had a last name in the Old Testament was that no one was allowed to have the same name, which sort of explains Meshach, Shadrach and Abednego.

KIng Solomon's mines were unionized and he paid good wages and benefits. He did, however, prove himself a shrewd negotiator when he promised his workers eyeglass coverage in lieu of a raise.

Jacob didn't look Jewish.

Abraham never completely trusted God again after that Isaac sacrifice stunt.

John The Baptist actually drowned a couple of people, prompting him to move his operation from the river to a shallow stream.

There was a paragraph omitted from Revelations that predicted balloon animals as one of the signs of the Apocalypse.