CURSE YOU, JOE BIDEN, YOU'RE STEALING MY JOB!

America's likely next President, Barack Obama, has gotten off on the wrong foot by failing to pick me as his Vice President. In a move that can only be considered in direct defiance of American tradition and the United States Constitution, he picked Senator Joe Biden as his running mate. By all accounts, Senator Biden is a decent, intelligent man with a lot of experience in government and is a reowned expert on foreign affairs. Not only that, he works really hard. In short, exactly the wrong type of guy to be Vice President. Everybody knows that the Vice Presidency is supposed to be a do-nothing job, it says so right there in the Constitution!

I was perfect for that position! I don't give a rat's ass about foreign policy or the inner workings of the government, nor do I care what cockamamie policies the President pursues. I'd just fly around in Air Force 2, hang around in the Vice Presidential Mansion and look good in a suit, the exact job description of Vice President. Is Joe Biden willing to do next to nothing all day and keep his 2 cents worth to himself? Doubtful. Experts on anything are incapable of shutting up and will corner anybody who crosses their path to listen to their whacky theories.

Will Joe Biden be willing to content himself with swimming with young interns in the Vice Presidential pool waiting for a tie vote in the Senate? Would he be happy to judge a wet T-shirt contest in Sweden? Unfortunately, for him and the nation, the answer is no. No, this guy's got "ideas" and has run for President himself in the past! Great, just what Obama needs, a number 2 guy who thinks he can do the job better, someone who will pester him night and day to listen to his "expert" opinions. It's hard enough being president without one of those guys around. What was he thinking?

Here I was, a perfectly unqualified and disinterested candidate, offering up my non-service to the nation and guaranteeing them a Vice President in the ungrand and non-illustrious tradition of the office, and he goes and picks a workaholic! Hell, I even offered to get fat and grow funny whiskers like some of our most forgettable Vice Presidents. Would Biden do that? And the man's from Delaware, for God's sake! What kind of Delaware person would want to end their long run as America's Most Anonymous State? Nobody knows anything about Delaware, and with good reason: There's not much to know. Why jeopardize all that?

You'd think Delaware would produce the ideal Vice President, some guy you don't know all that much about, but seems like a nice enough fellow who won't rock the boat. But no, Mr. Biden had to go all accomplishments and expertise on them! So not only is he betraying the complete lack of distinction of his home state, now he's going to be a pain-in-the-ass Vice President who thinks the job is on the level. I worry for the future of the Republic, to say nothing of my personal frustration at missing out on my dream no-show job, surrounded by attractive personal assistants and getting my own jumbo jet. Curse you, Joe Biden!