AMERICA'S GEORGIA MAKES HEADLINES TOO

The Republic of Georgia has been grabbing all the headlines lately, what with them being invaded by Russia and having the seeds for World War 3 sown there. But now some real news comes from America's Georgia, one of our good ol' states down south. It seems two hunters claim to have found the body of a 7 foot, seven-inch, 500 pound Bigfoot in the forest, dragged its dead ass out of there and stuffed it into a freezer in a secret location, also known as a double wide in the woods. The two lucky fellows are Rick Dyer and Matthew Whitton, who just so happen to be partners in Bigfoot Global LLC., a business that markets BIgfoot merchandise and offers Bigfoot expeditions and who also run a website called bigfoottracker.com. Small world, no?

Apparently, Bigfoot Global and the Bigfoot tracker web site are not the last word in Bigfootery, so they called in the world's foremost expert on the man/beast, sort of like when Scotland Yard calls in Sherlock Holmes when they have a real tough case to solve, although with the Bigfoot dead and frozen, it would seem it was already Case Closed. Nonetheless they called in one Tom Biscardi of Menlo Park, California, the CEO of Searching For Bigfoot, Inc., and searchingforbigfoot.com. No word on old Tom's scientific credentials, but his web site's quite extensive, and quite notable for its lack of any actual pictures or film footage of Bigfoot, pretty odd in a day and age where every 10 year old has a camera in his cell phone. Which just proves one thing, that Bigfoot is as diabolically clever as he is camera shy.

There are, however, on searchingforbigfoot.com, lots and lots of reports from good old boys who said they saw Bigfoot, and no shortage of pictures and plaster casts of giant footprints. On Tom Biscardi's bio page he informs the world he took up Bigfootology in the usual way, by watching grainy 8MM film of Bigfoot on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show. I'm pretty sure that's how most of our towering scientific figures got their inspiration, when scientists appeared on talk shows in the 1960's in between appearances by Buddy Hackett and Wayne Newton. It seems that the two Georgia guys are disciples of sorts to the man they defer to as "The Real Bigfoot Hunter," and widely celebrated in Bigfoot circles with this catchy rhyme:
"His Grand Bigfoot Eminence Biscardi
The Stephen Hawkings of Bigfootology"
Not exactly Shakespeare, but pretty good for redneck Bigfoot guys.

Mr. Biscardi appeared with Rick Dyers and Matt Whitton at the ensuing press conferences, dominating the proceedings and even magnanimously naming the Bigfoot corpse the "Rickmat Creature" to acknowledge their historic discovery. His Grand Eminence Biscardi announced to the world that tissue samples of the Rickmat Creature had been submitted for scientific DNA testing. The results of that DNA testing revealed the DNA of a possum and a human being, no doubt the result of the Bigfoot sharing freezer space in the boys' freezer with some tasty possums and squirrels they were saving for Sadie Hawkins day. While that might explain the presence of possum DNA, Georgia criminal investigators are likely getting just a mite curious as to the "secret location" of that freezer and just who's slice of human flesh it was that showed up in the DNA laboratory.

Undaunted, the Bigfootologists have declared the DNA tests "inconclusive" and explained that of course scientists could not identify Bigfoot's DNA since they never encountered one before. And besides, any creature that can hide in plain sight in the 21st century (in every state of the Union, according to the many Bigfoot websites) could easily disguise its DNA from modern scientists. Well, that was good enough for the Bigfoot community and the corpse discovery was declared an unqualified success and proof positive of Bigfoot's existence. Any attempts to by "so-called-scientists" or "the authorities" were characterized as a vast conspiracy to keep the truth from the public. The many cries or "Fraud" and "Hoax" only strengthen their resolve to bring the truth to world, that Bigfoot is real and you can go find him with the Bigfoot hunters for a modest fee and now we have one in a redneck's freezer right next to the possums and the squirrels and the murder victim! Sounds reasonable to me.

I can only offer these Bigfoot trackers a humble suggestion. Now that the World Weekly News is out of business, Bat Boy needs a job. Who better than Bat Boy to lead the hunt? He's the guy who found Sadaam Hussein, endorsed Al Gore when he wasn't running for anything, eluded the police time and again and gave the Bush Administration the location of Osama bin Laden, only to have Dumbya delete the e-mail by mistake while playing "Grand Theft Auto" on the White House top secret computer. He can be a bit of a handful, prone to maiming people who annoy him with his razor-sharp teeth and talons, but he's unequalled as a tracker of the elusive, and if these Bigfeet live in caves, well, it's Game Over. He's half bat, for Gods sake! Bat Boy can be the one guy to put the Bigfoot controversy to rest once and for all.

Of course there's always the danger that he will like them better than us, but nobody ever said that serious science is risk-free. If Bat Boy decides to live among the Bigfoot creatures and interbreed with them, well, there's always a future in tracking Big Batfoot. Rick and Matt, whose Bigfoot website is off-line as of this writing, might just revitalize their careers pursuing Bat Boy, who's not camera shy at all, and not at all averse to creating public controversy. Rick and Matt could finally get out of Biscardi's shadow and rake in enough dough to buy a reliable used pickup truck. Providing of course that they get rid of that human body sharing freezer space with the possums and the Bigfoot before the authorities get there first. That ought to show the world what America's Georgia is all about! On second thought, maybe we can talk Russia into keeping that war on the other Georgia going on for awhile until all this Bigfoot stuff blows over.