LET'S EXCUSE MY CULTURAL DIFFERENCES. IRRITABLE -AMERICANS, UNITE!

This world seems to bend over backwards to excuse heinous behavior when the words "Cultural Differences" are evoked. Saudi Arabia can enforce house arrest for half their population who committed only the crime of being born female. Doe this make them a MANarchy? They also get away with religious persecution, exporting jihad and making a spectator sport of decapitation. When you've got big money, the cultural differences card is easily played. Look at Japan, one of Asia's most racist societies. Having been forcibly dissuaded from practicing genocide (see World War 2), they are now content to prohibit foreigners from settling in their country and using unfair business practices to price foreign imports out of their domestic markets and to use their government as an extension of their corporations.

Japan's former government was an extension of their military, so one supposes that some day they might wake up and have a government that is just a government, but that seems doubtful. Domo Arigato, my ass. Their ancient enemy, China, has been mimicking the Japan, Incorporated mentality, although with the twist that the vast majority of Chinese citizens remain dirt-poor. They also get away with all sorts of political and religious persecution, once again on the grounds of cultural identity, which is just another way of saying; "Sure, we're a bunch of lowlife bastards, but Chinese governments have always been run by lowlife bastards! That's our culture, you see." Tell that to their child laborers, political prisoners, the Tibetan people and children all over the world poisoned by the lead in Chinese-manufactured toys.

Even poor nations get a pass for practicing genocide, citing cultural demands to avenge centuries-old grievances. Check out the never-ending ethnic cleansing campaigns and the elastic borders of the Balkan States and also the insane inter-tribal butchery in various parts of Africa. Countless nations practice religious persecution in the name of their so-called culture. Political persecution has long since become accepted in certain regions and countries around the globe as "the way things are done there." Oh yeah? Say's who? If nations can get a pass for behavior that in many countries would land them on Death Row, well, what about me?

As of now I am officially declaring myself a minority with a sacred and untouchable culture. Call me an Irritable-American. My culture includes advocating mass internment of "morning people," the traditional enemy of Irritable-Americans. I also insist on public floggings of those who would serve me weak coffee for four dollars a cup. And no punishment is too severe for people who don't read the newspapers and don't know what the hell you're talking about when you mention something that was a headline in every paper on the planet yesterday. I further insist on legislation being passed that recognizes Irritable-Americans as a legitimate sub-culture like Native Americans. We don't want casinos, we just want some understanding here.

And Irritable Americans need to be left alone. Don't call my house to take some stupid poll or try to sell me time shares in a Florida swamp. Don't tell me I have to understand why my taxes have to build cheese museums and pay cash to people to not grow alfalfa on their tennis courts or intercept the e-mails of chat-room nerds. Don't even think about asking me to watch a minute of reality television or another dopey sit-com written by morons for the entertainment of other morons. Don't ask me to listen to a grinning TV talking head after the president makes a speech explaining to me what he really said. I just heard for myself what he said, you boob! Let Moron-Americans form their own separate culture. Oops, sorry, they already have, and they are well on their way to dominating this society.

Which brings me to another cultural imperative of Irritable-Americans: People who cannot refrain from smiling as they speak will not be considered for employment as television news readers. That's an irritating enough habit in salesmen. There's no reason to watch people grinning their way through reports of earthquakes and starvation. Are these people smoking pot all the time? Must be. Perhaps re-education camps will be required for such people. And there's no maybes on mandatory re-education for those who think that Bill O'Reilly is anything but an entertainer and a mean drunk. Irritable-Amrericans have nothing against drunks, only mean people. So from now on, be careful about what you say about or to Irritable-Americns. The American Civil Liberties Association will be all over you like a priest on an altar boy.