ANOTHER SIGN THAT LIFE AS WE KNOW IT IS OVER: COSTCO IS SELLING CASKETS

The lovely wife asked me to look up the phone number for the wholesale grocery club Costco today. I'm sitting at the computer so I figure, sure, why not? It's 800- whatever, and she writes it down. I'm praying she doesn't want to join the place since I refuse to set foot in a joint that wants me to bring my own grocery bags and also charges a yearly fee for the privilege of shopping there, so she's on her own with this one. There's only two of us here, so I don't feel the need to buy a 55-gallon drum of cranberry juice or a bushel of raisin bran. I'm good with the regular supermarket.

But what do I see when I open their web site? Costco is now selling caskets! I knew they had branched out into all sorts of other things besides groceries for all their customers' household needs, but caskets? Do they run sales on these things? Are they a whole lot cheaper than regular casket sellers? And when a loved one dies, how many people will think of heading over to Costco for a bargain casket? Or will some people take advantage of the low price and buy their own casket years before they die? And if so, where would you keep it? Those things are pretty big.

One supposes it could serve as a guest bed in the old spare room, but definitely not for an elderly guest. No sense spooking the old folks, they've got enough reminders of their mortality already. Sticking it in the shed or the garage might be a good idea, but it's bound to become rusty and mildewed there. The attic is out of the question unless you've got six pallbearers handy when you need it since a casket is quite heavy. Unlike most products you buy from Costco, you only need this one just the one time. And if you're dead, odds are nobody will know you've got your own casket stashed away in the attic and they'll get you another, more costly one, thus defeating the purpose of buying it cheap in the first place.

And are Costco's caskets no-friills affairs? Not a bad idea since the comfy cushioning lining the interior of most caskets is wasted on the dead, as is the gleaming metal exterior. An altogether extravagant expense for someone who won't ever appreciate it. But just maybe, now that Costco's selling these things at a bargain, there's a chance to curry favor with that wealthy older relative who's preparing their will. You buy old Uncle Jack the fanciest, most comfortable coffin you can find, one with all the bells and whistles and you just might increase your piece of his estate pie.

Then again, that just might give the old boy the creeps and you'll find yourself disinherited. Or worse yet, Uncle Jack might keel over right then and there before he signs his new will and your Cousin Bill the drunken bum who hates everybody in the family inherits his dough and you're stuck with your Costco casket. Doesn't seem like an item for which they would have a liberal returns policy. Who would want to buy a used coffin? They can't be sure the thing was never used. So now you've got to figure out what the hell to do with it until you drop dead yourself, hopefully many years in the future.

You can always make a pretty cool looking go-cart for junior. Slap on some wheels, install some small seats and a steering wheel and he'll be the envy of all his friends, or at least the friends he has left when their parents get a load of his casket-mobile. A casket would also make a nice beer cooler. You could ice up a hell of a lot of beer in one of those things, although the ice might spoil the plush interior. Or your Costco coffin could be a nice planter, pushing up daises before you do. It doesn't seem all that useful as a piece of furniture, what with the curved top and all, but it would make a swell hope chest for Sissy, though. Lots of room for her trousseau in there.

So let's support Costco in their new endeavor. Who knows, maybe they'll start selling other specialty items at bargain rates, things like barometers, shoe-repair kits, butter churns and DNA testing apparatus. But if you're stuck with your Costco casket, just stick it in the storage room with your bow flex exercise machine, your salad shooter and your mountain bike. Unlike those items, you will be using your Costco casket someday. And you'll be using it for a long time. A very long time indeed. Happy bargain hunting.