SOUTH DAKOTA: GATEWAY TO NORTH DAKOTA (AND OTHER SLOGANS)

Ever get the feeling that you're living a nondescript existence, you've missed the boat and life is passing you by? What you might need is a snappy slogan. Nothing says "Here I Am!" like a good old slogan, telling the world what you're all about. It doesn't even have to be true. Look at New Jersey, who's State Motto is "The Garden State." Although I'm sure New Jersey is a fine and wonderful place, the term Garden State doesn't readily spring to mind when you enter that place from the New York side and travel trough miles and miles of toxic haze spewing from the countless industrial and chemical buildings lining the highways. But New Jersey called dibs on "The Garden State" and that's that.

But how can you get in on the slogan bandwagon? Simple, just invent one! New York State doesn't have an empire but we're called "The Empire State" and nobody questions it. Montana is called "Big Sky Country" even though the size of the sky over Montana is identical to everywhere else. Who's to say their sky isn't really big? Idaho's is more accurate, but hardly a slogan that will make you eager to visit there: "Great Potatoes!" Doesn't exactly make you want to load up the mini-van and embark on that dream family vacation. Looking at a map of the Western United States, maybe they should have called it "Idaho: Not One of Those Rectangular States" to at least point out one difference between Idaho and its nearest neighbors.

A good slogan accentuates the positive, but that's not etched in stone. There may not be anyting positive about you so maybe enigmatic is the way to go. Say you're a working slob with a nagging wife and a drinking problem with no discernible interesting traits. Try this: "Big Jim: Shut the Hell Up!" Sort of gives you that "Live Free or Die" mystique that New Hampshire stamps on their license plates, possibly the only interesting thing about that place. Or maybe you're a soccer Mom bored out your skull with your life. How about "Loretta- I Used To Be a Stripper!" Put that on a bumper sticker and see if it doesn't garner you a little more attention.

Or maybe you're a maladjusted teenaged punk with an attitude. How to stand out from the millions and millions of other maladjusted teenaged punks with attitudes? Simple: "Donny: I Know Everything And You Owe Me So Get Off My Back!" Mortgage bankers too can benefit from a slogan to try to remove the stink of their nasty reputations. "Mega Bank-Pre-owned Little Pink Empty Houses For Sale." Corporations too: "ChemCorp- Less Poisonous Than China!" Or New Orleans: "The New Venice!" President Bush The Younger could have benefited from a good slogan: "I'm Dumb, Okay, Cut Me Some Slack!" or "You Were Expecting Thomas Jefferson?" Or Senator Wide Stance Larry Craig: "That's Why It's Called The Men's Room!"

Similarly, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer could have saved himself a lot of grief with a good slogan: "What, Like You Never Paid 5 G's For a Happy Ending?" So get busy with your new slogan defining the new you. Mine is "Not As Dumb As I Look" so you can't have that one. There's always "Butch-Screwing Up My Life One Day At A Time!" Or maybe "Maxine- I Know What's Best For You, Fool!" Your life won't be a bit different but at least you'll have a snappy slogan. That said, "I'm Outta Here!"