SHORT BOOKS

Spring is here, that golden time of the year where renewal is all around us and within us as well. While we enjoy this experience we can look forward to Summer and plan some light reading to while away the sunny days ahead. As a service to my readers I have compiled a list of short books. Here they are:

MANHUNT! SEARCHING FOR OSAMA
This semi-gripping pamphlet describes the unrelenting hunt for 9/11 mastermind Osama bin Laden from the day after the attacks on New York and Washington right up to the point where it relented after a few frustrating weeks.

THE WIT AND WISDOM OF DOCTOR PHIL
In this little paperback, hear TV's Doctor Phil point out the obvious and rephrase the words of others while revealing the embarrassing private affairs of people who used to trust him.

TASTY VEGAN RECIPES
in the interest of making Vegan dishes actually palatable, the authors have taken the liberty of adding some meat to the bland recipes.

GREAT AMERICAN DIPLOMATS
This very short book begins and ends with Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin, the last two Americans to have any talent at all for foreign diplomacy.

COMBOVER! AMERICA'S MAYOR GOES AWAY
This glossy hard cover book finds Rudolph Giuliani whining about the fact that America will be deprived of his superb leadership skills following his embarrassingly poor showing in his campaign for the presidency. Hear him viciously insult the people he might have to count on one day to elect him to something else. A note to readers: Save some money and wait for the paperback due out a week later with the alternate title: "Burning Bridges."

THE GOLDEN AGE OF REALITY TELEVISION
This one is a very quick read, actually consisting of nothing more than glossy photographs of Flava Flav, Donald Trump and the various contestants from different reality shows with a brief caption beneath each picture informing the reader who they are and what shows they appeared on. There is mercifully no discussion of the actual content of the shows, the "Golden" in the title apparently referring to the money made by opportunistic producers.

BAYONNE: GATEWAY TO NEWARK
This little travelogue is designed to make you feel better about wherever it is you wind up spending your summer vacation, even if you can't afford to go anywhere. After reading this book you will be at least thankful you're not in Bayonne, New Jersey.

FOUR TWENTY-SOMETHING CRYBABIES WITH MESSY HAIR
This book examines the interchangeable pop stars of recent years and gives the public hints on how to actually tell them apart. Chapters include "Four English Weenies," describing a dozen or more British pop bands, "Midwest Clueless Malcontents," exploring the American pop scene, "Rip-Hop," a chapter that gives pointers on how to tell which rappers are which and what their public-realtions department-invented "street-cred" is, "Country Goes Vegas," which is pretty self-explanatory, "Generic Jangly Indie Sounds," describing the the ironclad formula for sounding "different" while sounding exactly the same as every other so-called Indie band and finally, "Dorky Whining Losers" which explores the phenomenon of singer-songwriters who look and sound almost identical and who give everybody the creeps. Indispensable reading for people trying to keep track of mass-produced corporate entertainment and how to tell one manufactured "artist" from another.

GREAT SPEECHES OF BUSH THE YOUNGER
The title is actually misleading since there are no actual speeches in it. Instead it a perfect reproduction of a coloring book completed by our president during coaching sessions by his handlers preparing him for his public appearances over the years. To his credit, he goes outside the lines only a few times, but the use of only the brown crayon is somewhat disturbing.

MODERN CHINESE PROVERBS
A disappointingly slim volume considering the rich history of previous Chinese wisdom. It opens with "Money good, disobedience bad" and goes downhill from there. Surprisingly, the most amusing quote, one from the Chinese minister of the Interior in charge of tearing down exquisitely designed landmarks and erecting faceless concrete apartment blocks and smoke-belching factories, sounds decidedly very un-Chinese: "Culture Shmulture." My personal favorite: " Nothing could be finer that a T-shirt made in China."

THE NEW CAT IN THE POINTY HAT
A celebration of Pope Benedict's first visit to the United States.

ALL WE WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS OUR TWO FRONT TEETH
This book consists of interviews with native New Yorkers wondering why it is taking longer to rebuild the Twin Towers than it took to build the Great Wall of China. Photos include endless artists' renderings of what they wish was built there and a few pictures of the two gaping holes that are still there six and a half years after the towers were destroyed.

THE MARRYING KIND
Profiles of some of our mast famous proponents of the institution of matrimony, people like Larry King, Elizabeth Taylor and Mickey Rooney, who love marriage so much they each did it six or seven times. An inspirational read affirming traditional family values. Tips of the cap are given to some of our younger stars who are emulating these masters by serial-marrying their way into the record books and our hearts. Recommended reading for nosy vicarious thrill-seekers.