NOBODY EVER CONSULTS ME FIRST

Ever get the feeling that you're permanently out of the loop? I know I sure do. Not that I feel the need to give input on every major decision made everywhere, but there's some things I'd like to put my two cents worth into, like maybe starting with stuff that goes on in my own house. But I'm a married man, and realistic enough to know that the house is my wife's domain and I just live there. At this point I probably wouldn't know what color paint to pick for what room or what sort of furniture I'd prefer sitting my skinny butt on. It seems the old furniture I used to enjoy when I was single was completely wrong and I have no idea of what it takes to make a house a home. I was under the misconception that simply taking up residence in a place sort of made it home. How wrong I was!

So I defer to the lovely wife about the home decor since, truth be told, I really don't care one way or the next what color are my walls or how many throw pillows we have (that no one lets me throw) or whether or not our blinds are vertical or horizontal. I used to be under the mistaken impression that "window treatments" were some sort of weather stripping to solve a draft, but no, apparently windows require special treatments to look pretty. Okay, I stand corrected, even if all I do with windows is open and close them according to the weather or to gaze through them, again on a similar weather-related quest, like to see if it's raining outside or if I need to shovel some snow.

So, being that I have no input in the way my home looks or how is run, there must be some areas in life where I get to have my say. Which is why I always vote, even on the off years when the only guy up for re-election is some municipal judge or a City Council member who wields almost no power. But then all the people I vote for seem to make all sorts of decisions without consulting anybody. They tax the hell out of my cigarettes and then tell me I can't smoke them anywhere where I'm comfortable. And they encourage little children to tell me that smoking is bad for me. Who's idea was that? Little children are not supposed to comment on the personal habits of strangers. Not only is it extremely rude and inappropriate but it could also be a severe hazard to their own health. You think it's easy dislodging a size 12 shoe from one's little butt?

Oh, but we're not supposed to hit our children, you say? Well, I didn't beat my children like some violent drunken lout but there were those rare times when a sharp smack to their wise asses straightened them out in a hurry. While I spared the rod, I didn't spoil my kids. I never told them they can grow up to be the President or the head of some giant company. Why ruin a good childhood with that sort of pressure? I taught them how to play baseball and climb trees. People today have all sorts of rules for raising their children that nobody ever asked me about, probably because I'd tell them what I thought about "play dates" and all the extra schooling people are saddling their children with these days.

It's not like they're raising a generation of Einsteins and DaVincis either. There's not a whole lot you can teach a 2-year old in a scholastic setting except to make them hate you for ruining their lives. Bad enough you named the poor little son-of-a-bitch Madison or Lionel but now you've overscheduled and regimented their little lives at a time when they're more wild animal than human being. Some parents have these poor little bastards thinking that childhood is all about the future so much that they forget to enjoy the here and now of their childhood. These parents forget that there is only today. Yesterday's gone and tomorrow never comes, simply turning into another today. Let the little pains in the ass enjoy their todays. Can't you give them those few years we all had to not be special and ordained for great things, just be any other knucklehead little kid getting dirty and into all the mischief he or she possibly can?

What about those times when a kid just wants to relax with a blank stare on his face, playing with rocks and sticks and not having a care in the world? Nobody asked me the importance of these very important things, and America's children are suffering because of it. So parents, get over it. Odds are you're not raising the next Bill Gates or Hillary Clinton, just a nice little boy or girl who will someday figure things out just fine without your constant pressure and unrealistic expectations. Live your own damned life and let them live theirs. Take them a little bit for granted just like they take you. Love them, guide them and protect them but don't smother the life out them before their lives get rolling. Our kids are not robots or surrogates for our own dreams. They just might have their own ideas for their own damned lives. Get over it and get out of their way.

There, I feel better already, even though nobody asked me. Just like nobody asked me before the television industry decided that reality television was a really neat form of entertainment. Exactly who's reality were they referring to? How many people have you ever met who were stranded on an island with no food while a film crew records their intrigues? Does anyone think the film crew slept in the bushes or ate turtles that they trapped? Or did without sex or cell phones or i-pods? That's the reality, not what you see on camera, just like any form of entertainment. Or how about Donald Trump's show? Or Flava Flave for that matter. Think what you want about these two, but reality is hardly the word I'd use to describe either of these walking, talking cartoon characters' lives.

And didn't we already have reality shows? They were called news programs and documentaries. Now we've got the news shows trying to compete with reality shows by making stuff up and reporting it as news. Thanks, TV producers! Your greed has turned the world inside out. And now it's been proven since the writers' strike that TV can't get along too well without the creative input of, how shall I say this, the creators that the writers are. How's that for a cold bucket of reality for the TV corporate geniuses who thought they could produce shows that write themselves, thus eliminating the salaries of those who made the medium even moderately interesting. Might as well shoot for an all-mime network, see who watches that one. The shows there could feature TV producers trying to escape the invisible box they trapped themselves in, or walking an invisible dog of a TV show off the edge of a steep cliff.

Another thing nobody consulted me about is that when I turned 50 it was supposed to be the new 30. I didn't get that memo and felt every second of my 50 years. That is to say; healthy and vigorous but certainly not looking or feeling 30. I was 20 years smarter and more experienced, though, and had gained a small measure of wisdom and insight that no 30-year old can attain. Now I'm 55 and look 55 and don't apologize to anyone for it. I earned these lines in my face, thank you very much, living pretty hard and not getting much rest. Look, I grew up in a generation obsessed with youth and saw it for the joke that was even back then. Nobody stays young except for those who die young and I don't envy their molding asses. They'll never see their children married, never know the joys of maturity or find out what the new Yankee Stadium feels like on a balmy summer night with the Red Sox in town for a four-game weekend series.

There is a time for being 18, or 21 or 30 and those are good times, magic years like all the rest that accumulate and become the body of work that is your life. Well, I had those times and they were fine and good but now I'm in a different place so don't try telling me I've been left back 20 grades. 50 is the old 50, and my 55 is just plain 55 and it's as good a time of life as I've ever experienced so don't tell me where I'm at, you couldn't possibly know. My life has been different from yours. You are what you are and I am what I am and that's fine. We're both okay. Just don't tell me what I'm supposed to feel. I'll decide what I'm supposed to feel or how I should react or what I think of things. Just try to keep me in the loop, though, at least once in a while.