I'M STILL AVAILABLE FOR VICE PRESIDENT

As the primary campaigns continue, at least in the Democratic Party, little thought has been given to who gets to be Vice President. People who run for the Presidency don't want to settle for that slice of anonymity, a cheap consolation prize at best, at least in the eyes of wanna-be leaders. Outside of mounting a coup like Shotgun Dick Cheney and running the country yourself, Vice Presidents have been an unsung and quiet lot, and that's as it should be. The Constitution of The United States pretty much spells that out; Presidents run the show, Congress proposes legislation, the Supreme Court decides what's acceptable under the Constitution and the Vice President gets a house, a large staff, an airplane and very little to do.

Oh, once in a while he gets to cast the deciding vote in the Senate when they're deadlocked, but that's about it, really. It's more of a ceremonial position than a job, and people who see themselves as president are ill-suited to sitting on their hands for four years while the person who beat them for the presidential nomination gets to put forward their own agenda. In most cases that's the agenda the Vice President vociferously condemned on the campaign trail as being disastrous for America while he or she was trying to become president so naturally the actual president doesn't let them get anywhere near the decision making process. So by definition most Vice Presidents are craven cowards and hypocrites of the worst sort when they pledge to serve the president they spent the whole campaign season vilifying.

That's where I come in. I don't want to be president and don't much care what they do so long as they're not starting stupid wars or taxing the hell out of the working classes. I figure the Vice President should be a traditional one, not doing a hell of a lot of work at all. I've got that covered. I can dress in a suit and shake hands and pretend I know what I'm doing with the best of them. You can trot me out every so often just to let the American people know that indeed there actually is a Vice President out there somewhere doing whatever it is Vice Presidents do and I won't say or do anything outrageous to embarrass the president. That's basically all that's required of the office.

And the beauty of it is that the pay is great and the perks even better and you wind up with a decent pesions for the rest of your life. You get a jet plane, a mansion, Secret Service bodyguards, a large staff, attractive young interns to "train" and no actual work to be performed. What's not to love? Do you know how much of a good time you can have with a set up like that? The president would be more than happy to let you fly all over the world in Air Force 2, pretending to study something or other in some exotic location. You land in your giant jet, shake a few hands, review the troops there to greet you, then check into the finest hotel and proceed to enjoy yourself. One supposes you could have one of your staff prepare some cockamamie report about the place, but even that's optional since nobody cares what the Vice President has to say. Me, I'd just tell them to copy the Wikipedia report about the place and relax and work on their suntans.

Back in Washington my time would be spent at the Vice Presidential mansion playing cards with the Secret Service, swimming in the heated pool with my young interns and having my personal chef prepare lavish meals for me and my many guests. I could catch up with a lot of reading and writing with all my free time and maybe even have a little recording studio installed in the old mansion so I could work on some music.There's nothing in the Constitution that says one of your staff can't be a recording engineer. Vice Presidents already have their own photographer assigned to them, so why not a drummer, too? Hell, I might even hire my whole band while I'm at it. Who needs another secretary for a do-nothing job? What this Vice President will need is background singers and musicians. I figure in four years I could record hundreds of songs for my web site. That would be a hell of a lot more than most Vice Presidents accomplish.

Unless of course you're the kind of Vice President we have now, a guy that took over the government because the President is mildly retarded. And look at the fine mess he's created. The retarded guy couldn't have done any worse. I think the American people are going to elect a smart person this time around and return the Vice Presidency to it's former non-glory, which is only right and proper. When I'm Vice President I promise I won't shoot anybody in the face with a shotgun or mount a coup to oust the president. Who needs those headaches?

Of course I'm not offering my services to John McCain, and not only because I oppose the Republican agenda. I mean, the guy's really old and could die in office, leaving me to clean up the mess our current administration is leaving our country. That wouldn't do at all. McCain is already starting to show distressing signs of senility by vowing to continue to follow the retarded guy's policies! Man, if that isn't a sign he's ready for the robe and the adult diapers, I don't what is. No, I'm staying away from that geriatric quicksand. At least the Democratic candidates are both healthy and vigorous and will need no input from the likes of me. Whether or not they become great presidents, poor presidents or mediocre ones they're going to have to do so on their own.

Me, I'll have my own agenda, and that will be to pursue the leisure life that the Constitution demands of American Vice Presidents. There is no one better qualified for that than me. And given all the perks and the jet and all that stuff, I believe I can set the gold standard for future Vice Presidents as far as being a man of leisure. On the political end of things, well, who cares what a Vice President does or thinks? I will leave exactly no political legacy and never steal the president's thunder. America will be a better place for having me holding down the do-nothing part of a do-nothing office. Bob Crespo for Vice President in '08!