I GOT RIDDLED WITH HOLES

I'm glad to report that I'm none the worse for wear after having about a dozen holes punched in my back the other day. Drilled, punctured and pierced. A person came to my house and did this, why I'm still not sure. The lovely wife was getting a treatment from an acupuncturist, a lovely young lady from Russia who makes house calls. Now, I really didn't have any specific complaints to offer her, no symptoms of anything dire or any nagging conditions. While that state of affairs was somewhat disappointing to a hole-punching healer, it didn't stop her from offering a general treatment, sort of an all-organ maintenance thing with treatment for my lower back tossed in as well.

I'm happy to announce that it was at least as good as skipping it altogether. Outside of a tiny bit of soreness in various locations on my back I'm just fine. Whether or not she cured anything or prevented anything, well, who cares? She was kind of hot and had an exotic accent and was very feminine and gentle. How many regular doctors can you say that about? She explained a lot of stuff about acupuncture, none of which made much sense to me, but so what? Like I said, she was hot and had an exotic accent. What more did I need to know?

To her credit, she was very knowledgeable about the human body and asked a lot of questions specific to my age and circumstances. She seemed relieved that I didn't want to stop smoking and I was relieved she didn't press the issue. We smokers have to endure no end of lectures and death warnings from just about everyone who doesn't smoke. Health professionals are among the worst offenders, but at least you know what you're in for when you tell a doctor that yes, you smoke cigarettes and no, you have absolutely no desire to stop doing so. The wrinkled brow and the solemn warnings are pretty much a given in those circumstances, but we smokers are a resilient lot who really don't give a rat's ass what others think of our smoking. As soon as we leave the doctor's office we light one up, enjoying that one perhaps more than most.

It's the untrained everybodys that get in your face about your smoking that are most vexing. I often wonder if they do the same to overweight people, berate perfect strangers for their eating habits, something I would never do. I was raised with the idea that you don't bring up the personal habits of people or challenge them out of the blue for seemingly no reason. It is rude and a serious character flaw. As long as no one is harming you or yours, I was taught, live and let live. Luckily, my pretty little acupuncturist had a proper upbringing and contented herself to only punch the holes in me that would not interfere with my smoking pleasure. So I lay on my belly and let her stick needles all along the sides of my spine and stayed there for the requisite 20 minutes or so.

My wife and I were to report any changes in how we felt until she comes again. The lovely wife feels great and is ecstatic about her treatment. I think belief and enthusiasm is half the battle in pretty much any endeavor, so good for her. As for myself? Well, truth be told, hottie or no hottie, good manners and exotic accent notwithstanding, I don't feel any different at all. Which I suppose is all I can expect since I wasn't sick or injured in the first place. She at least lived up to the primary Hippocratic dictum for the medical arts: "First, do no harm." So I suppose you can say my puncturing was a rousing success. I'm still my irritable, cantankerous self in the morning and still grow more likable the further I get from waking up.

I'm not a bit more reasonable than usual, which is to say fairly stubborn and unreasonable, but not to a ridiculous degree. At least that's as far as I can say since I don't have to deal with me, others do. I have a sneaking suspicion that knowing yourself is different from being known by others. You never really observe yourself in action, so to speak. You try to be consistent, understanding and nice to others and hope for the best. So far, so good. People seem to like me okay which is a relief since I like almost everybody I meet, even people who come to my house for the sole purpose of punching my lovely wife and me full of holes.

Would I do it again? I mean, she's coming to treat the wife again soon and I'll sort of be handy, what with it being my house too and me kind of being there a lot. Do I submit again just to be nice and keep the domestic peace on an even keel? It's not a free service, after all. And parting with my hard-earned for a curiosity is not an ingrained habit. If it helps the lovely wife, well, I'm all for it, but I think I'll save myself the trouble of more hole-punching and lying still until I have a valid complaint. I mean, how else can I gauge its effectiveness if there's nothing wrong with me to begin with? But our acupuncturist is so nice and polite and very earnest. The polite thing for me to do would be to injure myself or develop some sort of chronic condition, but that seems a little extreme, no?

Anyway, it's a decision I don't have to make for another week or so. Right now I'm leaning towards "No, thank you, but thanks for the generous offer to punch me full of holes to cure something I don't have." As it turns out, this service can be paid for by medical insurance, and if that's the case, then it will be a freebie. Still, I think I''ll go with the thanks but no thanks strategy. Unless I develop something dire in the meantime, I think I'll just go with my usual coffee and cigarettes health routine. It's gotten me this far in the pink of health. Why ruin a good thing?

With Acupuncture, there's a whole body of Chinese medical practices and applications you ought to be aware of, I suppose, but that sounds like a lot of work. I've heard it said that you have to believe in Acupuncture for it to work properly and I'm thinking, wait a minute, in regular medicine you don't have to believe in anything one way or another, that's the doctor's job. Whether or not you believe in whatever medicine or procedure the doctor prescribes is irrelevant. If you think antibiotics, X-rays and CT scans are phony they still work, with or without you on board in the understanding or believing departments. I never really had to consider my state of belief or disbelief in these things. You got sick or injured, you went to a doctor and they did what they did to heal you and you took your medicine and that was pretty much that.

It's always worked out and no regular doctor ever tried to treat me for something I didn't have. Not that I think every one of them is a genius or that they have all the answers. I've met some lousy doctors here and there and also realize I sort of have some responsibility to try no to live too haphazardly. Been there, done that, paid the freight. So I eat right, stay away from booze, exercise a little bit and take some vitamins. I try not to smoke as many cigarettes as I used to, and see a doctor on a timely basis. So now I 'm told acupuncture will cure all ills. Well, I just wish I had some so I could test that theory. But I figure there's no rush. Stuff happens to everybody from time to time, and when that time comes, if the doctor can't cure me I'll ask the pretty Russian lady to punch more holes in me. First, do no harm, right?